Texts From Last Night · emcdermott6's Favorites

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emcdermott6's Favorites Texts:

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(646): View more from New York

I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it

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(614): View more from Ohio

Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

I had better be fucking involved with step four.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.

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(845): View more from New York

Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.

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(530): View more from California

He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.

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(907): View more from Alaska

This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.

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(905): View more from Ontario

gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way

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(914): View more from New York

shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness

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(845): View more from New York

We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?

(1-845): View more from New York

Who won mens moguls?

(845): View more from New York

That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.

(608): View more from Wisconsin

Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.

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(917): View more from New York City

Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him

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(214): View more from Texas

Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.

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(813): View more from Florida

The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism

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(571): View more from Virginia

It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack

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(214): View more from Texas

No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

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(775): View more from Nevada

If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?

(404): View more from Georgia

Things like this can't be explained over text man

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(301): View more from Maryland

Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass

(240): View more from Maryland

He should have died. Natural selection.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

FUCK YOU MAN

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Are you alive?

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.

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(815): View more from Illinois

he ran through my sliding door

(1-815): View more from Illinois

in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers

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(360): View more from Washington

I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.

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(425): View more from Washington

Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.

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(772): View more from Florida

So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?

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(408): View more from California

you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face

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(801): View more from Utah

Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high

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(614): View more from Ohio

Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.

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(631): View more from New York

Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?

(516): View more from New York

lol... you weighed it?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.

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(469): View more from Texas

You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.

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(352): View more from Florida

You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.

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(352): View more from Florida

I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.

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(480): View more from Arizona

The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag

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(619): View more from California

i miss you so much

(858): View more from California

i miss you too

(858): View more from California

oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me

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(512): View more from Texas

He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".

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(914): View more from New York

He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Five things that make you perfect. Go.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.

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(519): View more from Ontario

It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.

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(301): View more from Maryland

she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying

(203): View more from Connecticut

but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she

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(443): View more from Maryland

she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.

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(971): View more from Oregon

I have two black x marks on my hands.

(503): View more from Oregon

Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

(971): View more from Oregon

damnit I wish I could remember that.

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(716): View more from New York

she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.

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(905): View more from Ontario

i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.

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(660): View more from Missouri

Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.

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(714): View more from California

we're chasing vodka with high fives

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Fear?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

FEAR.

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(714): View more from California

she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.

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(718): View more from New York

He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.

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(949): View more from California

Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.

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(512): View more from Texas

and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through

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(313): View more from Michigan

her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace

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(361): View more from Texas

After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.

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(765): View more from Indiana

he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.

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(314): View more from Missouri

There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.

(818): View more from California

Punch her baby.

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(713): View more from Texas

Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.

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(206): View more from Washington

You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..

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(317): View more from Indiana

He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

(1-317): View more from Indiana

He's the fucking cop whisperer.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money

(813): View more from Florida

sounds like you understand them just fine

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(586): View more from Michigan

I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.

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(214): View more from Texas

I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad

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(646): View more from New York

Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?

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(214): View more from Texas

she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm

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(205): View more from Alabama

you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!

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(314): View more from Missouri

You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I stuck it in and pulled it out

(1-678): View more from Georgia

Did she like it?

(678): View more from Georgia

She giggled?

(1-678): View more from Georgia

She liked it

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(410): View more from Maryland

I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.

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(636): View more from Missouri

dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you

(1-636): View more from Missouri

when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced

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(503): View more from Oregon

you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub

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(816): View more from Missouri

She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"

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(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".

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(248): View more from Michigan

I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang

(917): View more from New York City

really making moves this morning i see

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(703): View more from Virginia

I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.

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(858): View more from California

Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1

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(949): View more from California

Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

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(904): View more from Florida

Was it cool?

(1-904): View more from Florida

About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.

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(845): View more from New York

Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"

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(312): View more from Illinois

awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!

(708): View more from Illinois

Did someone propose they get off the stage?

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(309): View more from Illinois

Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door

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(419): View more from Ohio

i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I just saw the nastiest chick.

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

Where?

(603): View more from New Hampshire

woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

that girl last night was a 15

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

wait she was 15?

(413): View more from Massachusetts

no like black jack not sure if you should hit it

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(775): View more from Nevada

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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(973): View more from New Jersey

she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous

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(860): View more from Connecticut

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

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(619): View more from California

Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!

(615): View more from Tennessee

I don't wanna die...

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(618): View more from Illinois

he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.

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(631): View more from New York

It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.

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(330): View more from Ohio

if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.

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(904): View more from Florida

I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.

(602): View more from Arizona

you slept with him again didn't you

(480): View more from Arizona

you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well

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(443): View more from Maryland

her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"

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(917): View more from New York City

He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had

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(985): View more from Louisiana

when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"

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(512): View more from Texas

he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

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(206): View more from Washington

Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.

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(216): View more from Ohio

somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.

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(425): View more from Washington

He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Do ugly people know they are ugly?

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

The quiet ones do.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero

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(917): View more from New York City

i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.

(516): View more from New York

was the water running?

(917): View more from New York City

yeah but he said he knows how to swim

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?

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(513): View more from Ohio

just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already

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(404): View more from Georgia

She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"

(678): View more from Georgia

So... What happend then?

(404): View more from Georgia

We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.

(339): View more from Massachusetts

No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party

(423): View more from Tennessee

so no drinking for you?

(615): View more from Tennessee

don't be silly

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(269): View more from Michigan

Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown

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(912): View more from Georgia

This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?

(1-920): View more from Wisconsin

no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?

(920): View more from Wisconsin

he wasn't. neither were you.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog

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(416): View more from Toronto

that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle

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(410): View more from Maryland

I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"

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(727): View more from Florida

writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka

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(205): View more from Alabama

i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode

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(847): View more from Illinois

Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.

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(520): View more from Arizona

she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"

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(519): View more from Ontario

He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.

(604): View more from British Columbia

HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES

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(651): View more from Minnesota

The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion

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(360): View more from Washington

drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience

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(317): View more from Indiana

You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time

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(815): View more from Illinois

Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.

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(847): View more from Illinois

And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.

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(636): View more from Missouri

hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?

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(404): View more from Georgia

We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.

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(980): View more from North Carolina

when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy

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(314): View more from Missouri

just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle

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(613): View more from Ontario

oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt

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(586): View more from Michigan

the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.

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(727): View more from Florida

what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(619): View more from California

went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.

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(641): View more from Iowa

I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.

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(214): View more from Texas

Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS

(210): View more from Texas

Put my glitter back.

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(516): View more from New York

Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.

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(217): View more from Illinois

you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012

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(502): View more from Kentucky

WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!

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(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

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(604): View more from British Columbia

My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen

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(516): View more from New York

i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"

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(320): View more from Minnesota

Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.

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(301): View more from Maryland

It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form

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(712): View more from Iowa

she used her one phone call to ask me about my day

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks

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(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

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(804): View more from Virginia

Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop

(213): View more from California

so that means christmas in space?

(781): View more from Massachusetts

imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi

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(317): View more from Indiana

If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.

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(703): View more from Virginia

of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high

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(408): View more from California

They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I love boston

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(323): View more from California

You got in a fight last night?

(818): View more from California

Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

(323): View more from California

Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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(740): View more from Ohio

Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.

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(207): View more from Maine

I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.

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(574): View more from Indiana

some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous

(1-574): View more from Indiana

class

(574): View more from Indiana

he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson

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(404): View more from Georgia

Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity

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(132): View more from

if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder

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(973): View more from New Jersey

How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson

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(903): View more from Texas

omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.

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(248): View more from Michigan

What you up to?

(734): View more from Michigan

Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.

(248): View more from Michigan

Full throttle

(734): View more from Michigan

Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

They are making fun of natty and blackberries.

(646): View more from New York

Tell them they are ugly.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."

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(916): View more from California

i think i have herpe

(1-916): View more from California

just one?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.

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(980): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks

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(970): View more from Colorado

Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"

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(514): View more from Quebec

just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

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(678): View more from Georgia

You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"

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(803): View more from South Carolina

so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.

(843): View more from South Carolina

drunk me is so punny.

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(404): View more from Georgia

FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night

(1-404): View more from Georgia

haha good one..how did you even know?

(404): View more from Georgia

we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.

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(571): View more from Virginia

so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare

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(480): View more from Arizona

is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.

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(330): View more from Ohio

thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?

(708): View more from Illinois

We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

And that worked?

(919): View more from North Carolina

9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?

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(512): View more from Texas

got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule

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(541): View more from Oregon

woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.

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(209): View more from California

do you want me to make hamburgers?

(541): View more from Oregon

i'm vegan

(209): View more from California

i'll put lettuce on them

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

How's work?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Spinning.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.

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(313): View more from Michigan

So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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(323): View more from California

may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.

(818): View more from California

First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

Yeah, but four times?

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(207): View more from Maine

I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.

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(248): View more from Michigan

So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...

(703): View more from Virginia

oh

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter

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(973): View more from New Jersey

$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

math is fun

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....

(1-630): View more from Illinois

which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

watch out for the queen of hearts

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

fuucck i forgot ab her

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog

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(630): View more from Illinois

I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...

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(310): View more from California

Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.

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(305): View more from Florida

It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45

(773): View more from Illinois

Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy

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(970): View more from Colorado

I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me

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(707): View more from California

I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS

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(718): View more from New York

at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends

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(248): View more from Michigan

dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call

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(224): View more from Illinois

:( I'm sorry!!!

(847): View more from Illinois

sexual favors sorry?

(224): View more from Illinois

absolutely not

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(631): View more from New York

Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I cherish every text you send me

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(304): View more from West Virginia

yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.

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(509): View more from Washington

Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.

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(256): View more from Alabama

you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

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(519): View more from Ontario

When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(631): View more from New York

stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???

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(813): View more from Florida

Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(310): View more from California

ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(503): View more from Oregon

Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(630): View more from Illinois

all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

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(970): View more from Colorado

There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun

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(613): View more from Ontario

I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg

(1-613): View more from Ontario

so what did you do?

(613): View more from Ontario

I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!

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(817): View more from Texas

What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?

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(971): View more from Oregon

one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.

(706): View more from Georgia

i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...

(971): View more from Oregon

it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Whoa Z and x make the same sound

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(+32): View more from Belgium

Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.

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(213): View more from California

I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.

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(587): View more from Alberta

Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

bl l w

(201): View more from New Jersey

this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM

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(443): View more from Maryland

So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka

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(256): View more from Alabama

just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level

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(253): View more from Washington

The pine trees are waving at me.

(907): View more from Alaska

Put the pipe down honey.

(253): View more from Washington

Hi trees.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Want to have sex later?

(614): View more from Ohio

This feels like a trap

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(952): View more from Minnesota

well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.

(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm moving there. Get me hired.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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