Texts From Last Night · magnumcorpus's Favorites

magnumcorpus's Favorites Texts:

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome

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(406): View more from Montana

You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt

(1-406): View more from Montana

That literally makes no sense

(406): View more from Montana

Exactly

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(812): View more from Indiana

Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...

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(757): View more from Virginia

I understand Curling. That high.

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(813): View more from Florida

You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?

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(559): View more from California

well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"

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(301): View more from Maryland

Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.

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(714): View more from California

When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.

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(586): View more from Michigan

It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.

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(845): View more from New York

She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.

(1-845): View more from New York

she is way to in-touch with her childhood

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(319): View more from Iowa

Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"

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(443): View more from Maryland

At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?

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(970): View more from Colorado

Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.

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(757): View more from Virginia

shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.

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(510): View more from California

Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

You're a rent hooker.

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(512): View more from Texas

Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa

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(908): View more from New Jersey

We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"

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(330): View more from Ohio

French fry pizza

(502): View more from Kentucky

Are you brilliant or just really high?

(330): View more from Ohio

Can't it be both?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.

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(573): View more from Missouri

You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin

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(513): View more from Ohio

2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.

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(314): View more from Missouri

For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.

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(818): View more from California

I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire

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(705): View more from Ontario

I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...

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(325): View more from Texas

The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails

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(903): View more from Texas

I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass

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(480): View more from Arizona

Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.

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(630): View more from Illinois

you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.

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(317): View more from Indiana

On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!

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(239): View more from Florida

In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.

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(301): View more from Maryland

we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"

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(818): View more from California

Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.

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(703): View more from Virginia

got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon

(703): View more from Virginia

she was in a cheetah costume

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(206): View more from Washington

he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.

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(941): View more from Florida

its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny

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(210): View more from Texas

If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.

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(913): View more from Kansas

she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.

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(240): View more from Maryland

i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'

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(310): View more from California

so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.

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(541): View more from Oregon

side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.

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(641): View more from Iowa

TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY

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(931): View more from Tennessee

EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?

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(410): View more from Maryland

I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.

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(817): View more from Texas

He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...

(1-817): View more from Texas

Actually, she's fat now, so...

(817): View more from Texas

Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.

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(630): View more from Illinois

it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.

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(404): View more from Georgia

You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation

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(636): View more from Missouri

Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night

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(810): View more from Michigan

I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.

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(623): View more from Arizona

highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...

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(718): View more from New York

You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Are my feet made of real feet?

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(815): View more from Illinois

im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine

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(250): View more from British Columbia

for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.

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(703): View more from Virginia

She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis

(1-703): View more from Virginia

Every man deserves at least one moment like that

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(315): View more from New York

i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor

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(860): View more from Connecticut

We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.

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(916): View more from California

craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?

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(308): View more from Nebraska

You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.

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(914): View more from New York

She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.

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(303): View more from Colorado

she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone

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(702): View more from Nevada

Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.

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(310): View more from California

Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?

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(815): View more from Illinois

I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".

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(937): View more from Ohio

Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.

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(812): View more from Indiana

according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep

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(914): View more from New York

something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..

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(303): View more from Colorado

i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.

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(410): View more from Maryland

i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed

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(602): View more from Arizona

Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?

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(914): View more from New York

you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.

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(432): View more from Texas

Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.

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(720): View more from Colorado

He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."

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(802): View more from Vermont

she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.

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(914): View more from New York

im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj

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(602): View more from Arizona

i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments

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(410): View more from Maryland

well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.

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(562): View more from California

It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.

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(714): View more from California

I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay

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(904): View more from Florida

Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.

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(330): View more from Ohio

the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

im here for your entertainment

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(607): View more from New York

I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.

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(310): View more from California

He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...

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(207): View more from Maine

She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "

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(703): View more from Virginia

Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...

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(317): View more from Indiana

Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.

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(260): View more from Indiana

I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.

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(512): View more from Texas

Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...

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(530): View more from California

she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.

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(631): View more from New York

I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed

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(850): View more from Florida

I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea

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(912): View more from Georgia

just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.

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(314): View more from Missouri

pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service

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(480): View more from Arizona

i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....

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(817): View more from Texas

Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight

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(207): View more from Maine

I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.

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(614): View more from Ohio

i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.

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(626): View more from California

One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska

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(618): View more from Illinois

She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.

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(517): View more from Michigan

we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..

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(813): View more from Florida

If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.

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(360): View more from Washington

i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know

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(952): View more from Minnesota

In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.

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(316): View more from Kansas

The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.

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(571): View more from Virginia

What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail

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(779): View more from Illinois

should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?

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(626): View more from California

This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side

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(704): View more from North Carolina

He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink

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(214): View more from Texas

So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.

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(469): View more from Texas

Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take

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(817): View more from Texas

he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I don`t remember Saturday, actually

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

Its ok, i dont remember 2007

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(914): View more from New York

Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.

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(845): View more from New York

You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.

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(727): View more from Florida

i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.

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(850): View more from Florida

does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.

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(650): View more from California

OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop

(213): View more from California

so that means christmas in space?

(781): View more from Massachusetts

imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi

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(+86): View more from China

Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.

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(518): View more from New York

I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far

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(256): View more from Alabama

do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!

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(619): View more from California

Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..

(1-619): View more from California

I am not bailing you of of jail

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(619): View more from California

i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.

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(714): View more from California

Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

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(519): View more from Ontario

Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.

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(816): View more from Missouri

At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.

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(716): View more from New York

If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.

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(415): View more from California

Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up

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(707): View more from California

I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"

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(514): View more from Quebec

Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for

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(248): View more from Michigan

Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month

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(520): View more from Arizona

If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.

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(510): View more from California

I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk

(415): View more from California

yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts

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(573): View more from Missouri

You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy

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(216): View more from Ohio

For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?

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(804): View more from Virginia

Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?

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(636): View more from Missouri

the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"

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(806): View more from Texas

And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...

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(360): View more from Washington

She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.

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(847): View more from Illinois

there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check

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(843): View more from South Carolina

throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

since when the fuck is that glamorous?

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(305): View more from Florida

he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine

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(815): View more from Illinois

The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.

(928): View more from Arizona

wow.

(815): View more from Illinois

But it's a REALLY good back rub.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.

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(979): View more from Texas

How sober do you have to be to donate blood?

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(312): View more from Illinois

You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time

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(912): View more from Georgia

I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.

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(210): View more from Texas

I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!

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(785): View more from Kansas

my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working

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(305): View more from Florida

Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.

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(618): View more from Illinois

My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.

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(775): View more from Nevada

FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again

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(208): View more from Idaho

What's a "vodkaffle"?

(608): View more from Wisconsin

It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.

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(518): View more from New York

You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops

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(949): View more from California

shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...

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(619): View more from California

thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina

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(303): View more from Colorado

So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.

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(519): View more from Ontario

What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".

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(865): View more from Tennessee

just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.

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(214): View more from Texas

dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.

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(773): View more from Illinois

grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.

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(314): View more from Missouri

not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy

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(281): View more from Texas

Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?

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(901): View more from Tennessee

My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

That doesn't help me much...

(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm right under the moon!

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(615): View more from Tennessee

If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween

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(509): View more from Washington

woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach

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(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

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(510): View more from California

i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me

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(503): View more from Oregon

Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.

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(518): View more from New York

Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis

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(760): View more from California

It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he said i ruined lesbian porn for him

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(630): View more from Illinois

So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!

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(830): View more from Texas

Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious

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(210): View more from Texas

I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs

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(415): View more from California

Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!

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(+61): View more from Australia

She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

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(810): View more from Michigan

He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I think this baby is eyeing my beer

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card

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(713): View more from Texas

I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"

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(303): View more from Colorado

One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

where's my purse there's an important taco in it

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(703): View more from Virginia

He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job

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(650): View more from California

i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.

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(+66): View more from Thailand

A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure

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(503): View more from Oregon

I swear to god he's a one man village people.

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(586): View more from Michigan

he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever

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(443): View more from Maryland

I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly

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(973): View more from New Jersey

her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.

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(289): View more from Ontario

The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.

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(727): View more from Florida

would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.

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(954): View more from Florida

I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy

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(256): View more from Alabama

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma

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(310): View more from California

While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!

(508): View more from Massachusetts

because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.

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(517): View more from Michigan

found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins

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(240): View more from Maryland

last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours

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(903): View more from Texas

I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.

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(518): View more from New York

September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location

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(808): View more from Hawaii

You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"

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(712): View more from Iowa

i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends

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(513): View more from Ohio

he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden

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(404): View more from Georgia

My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?

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(757): View more from Virginia

Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee

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(503): View more from Oregon

The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck

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(304): View more from West Virginia

If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason

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(516): View more from New York

the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY

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(707): View more from California

just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.

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(858): View more from California

I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.

(619): View more from California

you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS

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(619): View more from California

There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.

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(619): View more from California

went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.

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(727): View more from Florida

he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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(315): View more from New York

My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'

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(218): View more from Minnesota

he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while

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(716): View more from New York

Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.

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(972): View more from Texas

It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.

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(937): View more from Ohio

This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.

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(815): View more from Illinois

she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.

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(703): View more from Virginia

just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.

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(818): View more from California

I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

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(205): View more from Alabama

The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...

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(937): View more from Ohio

Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!

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(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

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(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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(914): View more from New York

Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem

(914): View more from New York

Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Goodnight sugar queer

(480): View more from Arizona

Sugar queer??

(602): View more from Arizona

Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(315): View more from New York

So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

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(713): View more from Texas

I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.

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(516): View more from New York

Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.

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(301): View more from Maryland

It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.

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(850): View more from Florida

my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?

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(224): View more from Illinois

get to allyx's house asap

(312): View more from Illinois

Ok is everything ok

(224): View more from Illinois

Yeah, theres just lesbians

(312): View more from Illinois

omg yes on my way

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(770): View more from Georgia

my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad

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(281): View more from Texas

Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

She's like the pied piper of lesbians.

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(406): View more from Montana

she pinky promised me she was 18

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.

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(281): View more from Texas

She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.

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(330): View more from Ohio

apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple

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(720): View more from Colorado

She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics

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(817): View more from Texas

I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(386): View more from Florida

smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.

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(631): View more from New York

My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud

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(248): View more from Michigan

Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her

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(571): View more from Virginia

Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..

(703): View more from Virginia

this can't be going anywhere good

(571): View more from Virginia

nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(727): View more from Florida

He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.

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