Texts From Last Night · Daft's Favorites

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Daft's Favorites Texts:

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(630): View more from Illinois

Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Are you high?

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(678): View more from Georgia

He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it

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(807): View more from Ontario

I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma

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(253): View more from Washington

Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!

(218): View more from Minnesota

I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.

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(970): View more from Colorado

And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out

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(416): View more from Toronto

He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n

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(443): View more from Maryland

she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

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(213): View more from California

Her brother is deaf.

(214): View more from Texas

no wonder she was so good with her hands

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.

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(305): View more from Florida

you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"

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(516): View more from New York

i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor

(1-516): View more from New York

did you bang her?

(516): View more from New York

seriously?

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(802): View more from Vermont

just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!

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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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(801): View more from Utah

He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!

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(254): View more from Texas

that's what penises do

(254): View more from Texas

they tell lies.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Best. Handjob. Ever.

(905): View more from Ontario

I'm guessing Kelly is over?

(416): View more from Toronto

Nope. Home alone.

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(817): View more from Texas

I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.

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(519): View more from Ontario

You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.

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(281): View more from Texas

She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something

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(619): View more from California

She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something

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(660): View more from Missouri

THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.

(816): View more from Missouri

..So we should take it off Youtube?

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(281): View more from Texas

Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.

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(818): View more from California

remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,

(702): View more from Nevada

Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.

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(561): View more from Florida

She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'

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(904): View more from Florida

I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.

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(714): View more from California

walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

(714): View more from California

he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

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(630): View more from Illinois

Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper

(952): View more from Minnesota

Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?

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(713): View more from Texas

How bad was it?

(1-713): View more from Texas

You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth

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(563): View more from Iowa

The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.

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(562): View more from California

glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore

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(205): View more from Alabama

you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!

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(210): View more from Texas

My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm in love with you.

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

huh?

(860): View more from Connecticut

Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it

(651): View more from Minnesota

nevermind its newpaper

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.

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(315): View more from New York

I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.

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(303): View more from Colorado

normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.

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(248): View more from Michigan

toast her oven

(1-248): View more from Michigan

toast her strudel

(248): View more from Michigan

inspect her gadget

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(+44): View more from England

Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.

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(607): View more from New York

I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me

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(703): View more from Virginia

I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?

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(971): View more from Oregon

I have two black x marks on my hands.

(503): View more from Oregon

Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

(971): View more from Oregon

damnit I wish I could remember that.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.

(504): View more from Louisiana

Who won?

(225): View more from Louisiana

All of them.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever

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(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

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(201): View more from New Jersey

why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic

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(914): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly

(1-208): View more from Idaho

What is a GED?

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(240): View more from Maryland

I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I honestly don't know what to make of that.

(423): View more from Tennessee

A ham sandwich would be nice.

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(626): View more from California

Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.

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(562): View more from California

In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...

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(319): View more from Iowa

Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter

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(727): View more from Florida

Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick

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(916): View more from California

i think i have herpe

(1-916): View more from California

just one?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

the vacuum is drunk

(703): View more from Virginia

what?

(908): View more from New Jersey

i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk

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(516): View more from New York

Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes

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(404): View more from Georgia

Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.

(706): View more from Georgia

Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.

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(647): View more from Ontario

she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'

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(281): View more from Texas

I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.

(936): View more from Texas

haha now u have to piss out ur bum

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(432): View more from Texas

So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?

(207): View more from Maine

You need to stop watching Twilight.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.

(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm moving there. Get me hired.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I CAN MOONWALK!

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(501): View more from Arkansas

He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.

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(650): View more from California

I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?

(573): View more from Missouri

I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up

(314): View more from Missouri

Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?

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(936): View more from Texas

im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...

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(503): View more from Oregon

iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.

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(214): View more from Texas

My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.

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(757): View more from Virginia

hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...

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(256): View more from Alabama

A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Redeem this text for a blowjob

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Wrong number and your a loser

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(515): View more from Iowa

John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.

(1-515): View more from Iowa

As in blowjob or cannibalism?

(515): View more from Iowa

I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?

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(214): View more from Texas

You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song

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(703): View more from Virginia

So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.

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(816): View more from Missouri

So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeeah thank god

(816): View more from Missouri

Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.

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(517): View more from Michigan

this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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(516): View more from New York

my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall

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(860): View more from Connecticut

She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora

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(773): View more from Illinois

I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(631): View more from New York

she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.

(904): View more from Florida

FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift

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(989): View more from Michigan

dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class

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(916): View more from California

I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.

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(972): View more from Texas

They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?

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(916): View more from California

The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.

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(818): View more from California

I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"

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(714): View more from California

She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(858): View more from California

She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.

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(714): View more from California

so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.

(1-714): View more from California

yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...

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(502): View more from Kentucky

She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.

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(816): View more from Missouri

dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

(816): View more from Missouri

that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

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(540): View more from Virginia

he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

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(607): View more from New York

You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

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(936): View more from Texas

he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.

(812): View more from Indiana

and...?

(936): View more from Texas

I told him it was alright.

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(248): View more from Michigan

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

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(303): View more from Colorado

Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.

(612): View more from Minnesota

I wish i was spraying into your jaw.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way

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(734): View more from Michigan

i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

what was she crying about?

(734): View more from Michigan

i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know

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(847): View more from Illinois

2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.

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(831): View more from California

There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.

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(415): View more from California

I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?

(510): View more from California

I hope so

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(909): View more from California

College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.

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(972): View more from Texas

i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.

(817): View more from Texas

Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.

(972): View more from Texas

ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on

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(516): View more from New York

she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".

(917): View more from New York City

I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(973): View more from New Jersey

gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.

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(912): View more from Georgia

I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person

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(646): View more from New York

How is your vagina???

(941): View more from Florida

Double booked

(646): View more from New York

With your butt?

(941): View more from Florida

Totes, candlesticks and all

(646): View more from New York

Yay!!

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.

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(314): View more from Missouri

10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza

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(650): View more from California

Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)

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(703): View more from Virginia

i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move

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(856): View more from New Jersey

It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...

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(360): View more from Washington

i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man

(206): View more from Washington

?

(360): View more from Washington

he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!

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(651): View more from Minnesota

She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.

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(254): View more from Texas

I am coming home for anal

(254): View more from Texas

* a nap*

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(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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(646): View more from New York

Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?

(1-870): View more from Arkansas

well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic

(870): View more from Arkansas

what chic?

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(810): View more from Michigan

I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?

(989): View more from Michigan

By definition I think it does.

(810): View more from Michigan

So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

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(716): View more from New York

Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!

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(805): View more from California

you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"

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(804): View more from Virginia

Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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(903): View more from Texas

u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?

(214): View more from Texas

Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?

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(314): View more from Missouri

I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?

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(620): View more from Kansas

We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(917): View more from New York City

Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS

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(817): View more from Texas

The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.

(504): View more from Louisiana

Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text

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(586): View more from Michigan

we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.

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(305): View more from Florida

I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".

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(647): View more from Ontario

We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood

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(815): View more from Illinois

Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper

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(443): View more from Maryland

One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(914): View more from New York

There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone

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(213): View more from California

I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.

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(562): View more from California

omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.

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(816): View more from Missouri

dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine

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(805): View more from California

we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.

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(850): View more from Florida

I mistook a propane tank for a keg.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.

(402): View more from Nebraska

but it's kind of a high honor.

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(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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(916): View more from California

She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.

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(727): View more from Florida

She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.

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(510): View more from California

i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me

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(352): View more from Florida

I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.

(917): View more from New York City

I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.

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(303): View more from Colorado

i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed

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(443): View more from Maryland

So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka

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(703): View more from Virginia

Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

New charity walk idea!

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(925): View more from California

I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.

(713): View more from Texas

Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...

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(718): View more from New York

They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule

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(440): View more from Ohio

I never noticed this but I have a beauty mark on my labia minora

(1-440): View more from Ohio

Please tell me how you discovered this.

(440): View more from Ohio

I was looking in the mirror snooping around

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.

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(419): View more from Ohio

idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night

(248): View more from Michigan

he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit

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(513): View more from Ohio

NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...

(1-513): View more from Ohio

God I fucking love America.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?

(206): View more from Washington

Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.

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(631): View more from New York

It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.

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(740): View more from Ohio

We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville

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(904): View more from Florida

There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?

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(650): View more from California

I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

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