Texts From Last Night · darkethernaut5's Favorites

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(714): View more from California

I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!

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(519): View more from Ontario

don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.

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(914): View more from New York

Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing

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(616): View more from Michigan

Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.

(469): View more from Texas

I have the flu.

(214): View more from Texas

I don't give a shit

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(810): View more from Michigan

I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?

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(956): View more from Texas

She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.

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(954): View more from Florida

Sadly, she's the porn star that got away

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(586): View more from Michigan

The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."

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(270): View more from Kentucky

It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Would you like season tickets to my vagina?

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(616): View more from Michigan

I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"

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(618): View more from Illinois

There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement

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(520): View more from Arizona

We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.

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(705): View more from Ontario

We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.

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(904): View more from Florida

Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I need rollerblades now

(774): View more from Massachusetts

Rollerblades pick up bitches

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(561): View more from Florida

I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.

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(719): View more from Colorado

The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.

(719): View more from Colorado

This has been a Party Success Story

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(360): View more from Washington

I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.

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(703): View more from Virginia

BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon

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(205): View more from Alabama

No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.

(1-205): View more from Alabama

Can I get that on a shirt

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.

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(512): View more from Texas

I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?

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(708): View more from Illinois

He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck

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(260): View more from Indiana

He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.

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(289): View more from Ontario

God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.

(519): View more from Ontario

Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Are we in any of the areas with tornados?

(931): View more from Tennessee

Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.

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(574): View more from Indiana

how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Basically.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.

(410): View more from Maryland

By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!

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(720): View more from Colorado

Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...

(303): View more from Colorado

God works in mysterious ways my friend.

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(207): View more from Maine

Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?

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(563): View more from Iowa

I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...

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(469): View more from Texas

I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I think we have a problem.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch

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(757): View more from Virginia

YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.

(1-757): View more from Virginia

Wait, that's an option?

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(614): View more from Ohio

You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.

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(713): View more from Texas

I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.

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(817): View more from Texas

If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.

(1-817): View more from Texas

It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.

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(817): View more from Texas

I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.

(512): View more from Texas

Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

You are my mentor.

(276): View more from Virginia

I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...

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(+61): View more from Australia

If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.

(417): View more from Missouri

I will make you one.

(417): View more from Missouri

Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it

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(303): View more from Colorado

Why does my jaw hurt?

(402): View more from Nebraska

I may have punched you.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent

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(765): View more from Indiana

He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me

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(720): View more from Colorado

Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...

(262): View more from Wisconsin

I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.

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(417): View more from Missouri

For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song

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(727): View more from Florida

I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?

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(207): View more from Maine

Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.

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(845): View more from New York

Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?

(701): View more from North Dakota

In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!

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(873): View more from

I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in

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(416): View more from Toronto

She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"

(1-416): View more from Toronto

You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?

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(307): View more from Wyoming

She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.

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(425): View more from Washington

You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.

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(906): View more from Michigan

Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.

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(627): View more from California

Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am

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(323): View more from California

Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night

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(914): View more from New York

Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.

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(630): View more from Illinois

And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear

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(602): View more from Arizona

I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.

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(804): View more from Virginia

If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.

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(585): View more from New York

I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.

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(914): View more from New York

It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you

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(916): View more from California

Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING

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(716): View more from New York

I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.

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(706): View more from Georgia

My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.

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(574): View more from Indiana

I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio

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(616): View more from Michigan

If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out

(417): View more from Missouri

You'd think the first few times would have been enough

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(469): View more from Texas

After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.

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(804): View more from Virginia

God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.

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(334): View more from Alabama

We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.

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(360): View more from Washington

Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?

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(480): View more from Arizona

We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."

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(434): View more from Virginia

He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.

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(618): View more from Illinois

She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?

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(631): View more from New York

She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis

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(850): View more from Florida

This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5

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(702): View more from Nevada

Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can

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(623): View more from Arizona

You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'

(1-623): View more from Arizona

I thought I could.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You are a booty call, not a friend.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?

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(256): View more from Alabama

I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud

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(970): View more from Colorado

He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.

(303): View more from Colorado

Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

A true beacon of hope in these dark times

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.

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(305): View more from Florida

Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"

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(917): View more from New York City

Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.

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(785): View more from Kansas

We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.

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(561): View more from Florida

There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it

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(269): View more from Michigan

I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

... I threw up in the shower this morning

(406): View more from Montana

You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.

(307): View more from Wyoming

I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Sad Megan is Sad

(1-864): View more from South Carolina

Have you been drinking my beer?

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.

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(559): View more from California

Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational

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(714): View more from California

Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..

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(817): View more from Texas

It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.

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(510): View more from California

EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!

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(510): View more from California

I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay

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(512): View more from Texas

I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...

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(804): View more from Virginia

I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO

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(804): View more from Virginia

Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is

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(513): View more from Ohio

It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.

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(312): View more from Illinois

He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3

(906): View more from Michigan

Omg sara

(920): View more from Wisconsin

I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty

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(714): View more from California

The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.

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(906): View more from Michigan

I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!

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(914): View more from New York

Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.

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(519): View more from Ontario

My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now

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(218): View more from Minnesota

i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...

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(702): View more from Nevada

I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny

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(219): View more from Indiana

We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.

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(845): View more from New York

He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?

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(618): View more from Illinois

He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero

(618): View more from Illinois

I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

God you're perfect.

(303): View more from Colorado

I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.

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(914): View more from New York

Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.

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(812): View more from Indiana

after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..

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(831): View more from California

Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.

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(415): View more from California

You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women

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(614): View more from Ohio

I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.

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(703): View more from Virginia

well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I'm stealing this baby.

(1-719): View more from Colorado

Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever

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(415): View more from California

I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station

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(616): View more from Michigan

i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".

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(843): View more from South Carolina

What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.

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(607): View more from New York

Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.

(426): View more from

So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.

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(541): View more from Oregon

So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"

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(914): View more from New York

You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n

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(614): View more from Ohio

We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid

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(770): View more from Georgia

Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.

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(269): View more from Michigan

"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken

(269): View more from Michigan

"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy

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(479): View more from Arkansas

We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair

(501): View more from Arkansas

Strong work

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(310): View more from California

My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"

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(626): View more from California

While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.

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(714): View more from California

Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?

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(213): View more from California

Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.

(1-213): View more from California

best text I've received ever.

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(315): View more from New York

I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer

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(517): View more from Michigan

This baby is an asshole

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies

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(817): View more from Texas

Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.

(214): View more from Texas

I still make more money.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.

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(563): View more from Iowa

i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.

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(916): View more from California

Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?

(518): View more from New York

I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game

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(901): View more from Tennessee

He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.

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(407): View more from Florida

That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.

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(703): View more from Virginia

My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?

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(631): View more from New York

Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole

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(937): View more from Ohio

Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.

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(361): View more from Texas

There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.

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(231): View more from Michigan

my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring

(989): View more from Michigan

i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me

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(970): View more from Colorado

He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag

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(859): View more from Kentucky

When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"

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(520): View more from Arizona

Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.

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(734): View more from Michigan

What do you wear to apply at a strip club?

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(845): View more from New York

Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way

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(916): View more from California

I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.

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(708): View more from Illinois

blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

wakey wakey hands off snakey

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(410): View more from Maryland

I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward

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(317): View more from Indiana

it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely

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(630): View more from Illinois

I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.

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(512): View more from Texas

I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..

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(425): View more from Washington

It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now

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(775): View more from Nevada

He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors

(1-775): View more from Nevada

Fuck he won the bet

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(989): View more from Michigan

Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.

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(561): View more from Florida

I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.

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(516): View more from New York

Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.

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(224): View more from Illinois

Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?

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(410): View more from Maryland

In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"

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(305): View more from Florida

so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator

(954): View more from Florida

you didnt stop her?

(305): View more from Florida

too entertaining

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.

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(281): View more from Texas

Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.

(940): View more from Texas

Deal.

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(734): View more from Michigan

It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."

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(937): View more from Ohio

in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.

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(315): View more from New York

Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.

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(757): View more from Virginia

So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.

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(718): View more from New York

Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.

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(301): View more from Maryland

There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.

(240): View more from Maryland

What a good friend

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore

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(712): View more from Iowa

You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?

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(815): View more from Illinois

You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you

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(707): View more from California

She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.

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(801): View more from Utah

walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.

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(248): View more from Michigan

No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.

(1-701): View more from North Dakota

Jesus, are you hammered?

(701): View more from North Dakota

Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.

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(989): View more from Michigan

walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..

(587): View more from Alberta

Wow. We're meant to be..

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?

(604): View more from British Columbia

And your cock privileges have been revoked.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?

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(936): View more from Texas

You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.

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(404): View more from Georgia

NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR

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(614): View more from Ohio

I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?

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(812): View more from Indiana

Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.

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(438): View more from Quebec

gladiator or hannah montana?

(514): View more from Quebec

This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Well douche your snatch and let's go!

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(352): View more from Florida

I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."

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(606): View more from Kentucky

after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.

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(518): View more from New York

Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.

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(302): View more from Delaware

She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.

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(806): View more from Texas

You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.

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(360): View more from Washington

sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people

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(802): View more from Vermont

she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor

(1-802): View more from Vermont

oh but she would

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(785): View more from Kansas

Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.

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(904): View more from Florida

Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?

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(917): View more from New York City

when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.

(917): View more from New York City

Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.

(347): View more from New York

he is a god among men.

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(305): View more from Florida

It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You went to jail last night?!

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

Just a little bit.

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(661): View more from California

Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw

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(917): View more from New York City

I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.

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(313): View more from Michigan

It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?

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(440): View more from Ohio

Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"

(1-440): View more from Ohio

Perfectly normal.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster

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(440): View more from Ohio

I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

You should probably take note of that and make it happen.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.

(423): View more from Tennessee

strike, motherfucker.

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(561): View more from Florida

Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake

(1-561): View more from Florida

Who the fuck is this

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(314): View more from Missouri

I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now

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(303): View more from Colorado

I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.

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(530): View more from California

It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.

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(903): View more from Texas

Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?

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(386): View more from Florida

I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness

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(928): View more from Arizona

I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.

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(503): View more from Oregon

You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.

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(480): View more from Arizona

just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.

(480): View more from Arizona

k i'll be over in 5.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty

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(317): View more from Indiana

I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

Marry him. Now.

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(661): View more from California

First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.

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(707): View more from California

Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick

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(214): View more from Texas

It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I want a burrito.

(1-541): View more from Oregon

Truly, you are the voice of a generation.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up

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(859): View more from Kentucky

if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice

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(661): View more from California

What a dumb baby whore.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.

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(708): View more from Illinois

just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..

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(641): View more from Iowa

you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts

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(949): View more from California

And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex

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(949): View more from California

He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick

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(708): View more from Illinois

Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis

(773): View more from Illinois

Just arrived at our party

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(407): View more from Florida

I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much

(352): View more from Florida

Like they're going to fly away?

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(607): View more from New York

I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!

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(586): View more from Michigan

Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".

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(586): View more from Michigan

It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.

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(714): View more from California

Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.

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(714): View more from California

my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.

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(210): View more from Texas

im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!

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(270): View more from Kentucky

No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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(435): View more from Utah

Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.

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(917): View more from New York City

every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies

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(207): View more from Maine

did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go

(860): View more from Connecticut

Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

How did people poop without Blackberrys?

(416): View more from Ontario

Motorola Razers?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Stone age, man.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.

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(206): View more from Washington

Gong!

(1-253): View more from Washington

YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?

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(914): View more from New York

He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?

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(913): View more from Kansas

No, drunk sperm still make babies.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally

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(618): View more from Illinois

You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Walk of Shame time yet?

(1+44): View more from

Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?

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(623): View more from Arizona

By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit

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(410): View more from Maryland

SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Don't text me with that hand

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(519): View more from Ontario

she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??

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(702): View more from Nevada

Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.

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(785): View more from Kansas

That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.

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(541): View more from Oregon

And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.

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(540): View more from Virginia

The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth

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(201): View more from New Jersey

A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

well in DOG beers, i've only had one

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(845): View more from New York

Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."

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(914): View more from New York

Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.

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(310): View more from California

I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.

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(912): View more from Georgia

I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person

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(626): View more from California

What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?

(1-626): View more from California

You have mice?

(626): View more from California

no why?

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(519): View more from Ontario

I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"

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(269): View more from Michigan

I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.

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(323): View more from California

Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.

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(734): View more from Michigan

It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand

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(914): View more from New York

He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.

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(585): View more from New York

Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew

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(406): View more from Montana

Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls

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(843): View more from South Carolina

My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio

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(765): View more from Indiana

Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.

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(813): View more from Florida

$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.

(1-704): View more from North Carolina

I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.

(704): View more from North Carolina

Dude, you are the most awesome.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.

(802): View more from Vermont

So basically you were a dog.

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(702): View more from Nevada

As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'

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(909): View more from California

The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.

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(509): View more from Washington

walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.

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(518): View more from New York

Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.

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(386): View more from Florida

I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply

(1-414): View more from Wisconsin

I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday

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(631): View more from New York

The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.

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(314): View more from Missouri

handjob tips. give me some.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.

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(831): View more from California

i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila

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(720): View more from Colorado

I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid

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(210): View more from Texas

The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced

(210): View more from Texas

The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)

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(207): View more from Maine

There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.

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(815): View more from Illinois

thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.

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(443): View more from Maryland

he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it

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(661): View more from California

Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.

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(213): View more from California

I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.

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(818): View more from California

Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!

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(731): View more from Tennessee

I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.

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(206): View more from Washington

Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.

(1-206): View more from Washington

Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?

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(862): View more from New Jersey

Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT

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(207): View more from Maine

Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them

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(757): View more from Virginia

We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.

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(305): View more from Florida

Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are

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(404): View more from Georgia

He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.

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(619): View more from California

Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything

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(503): View more from Oregon

since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either

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(718): View more from New York

Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.

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(573): View more from Missouri

What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?

(408): View more from California

JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.

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(916): View more from California

The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.

(1-916): View more from California

Try oodles of noodles this time.

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(206): View more from Washington

Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.

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(631): View more from New York

He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.

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(713): View more from Texas

do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(858): View more from California

Fuck U Mike is a golden god.

(504): View more from Louisiana

Mike give steph back her phone.

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(785): View more from Kansas

MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.

(207): View more from Maine

HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.

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(816): View more from Missouri

no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.

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(315): View more from New York

I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you

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(402): View more from Nebraska

My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.

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(206): View more from Washington

I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.

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(510): View more from California

she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong

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(970): View more from Colorado

I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.

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(360): View more from Washington

Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck

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(802): View more from Vermont

ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss

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(912): View more from Georgia

Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.

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(303): View more from Colorado

do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?

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(647): View more from Ontario

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

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(323): View more from California

this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude

(765): View more from Indiana

call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing

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(916): View more from California

I hate ducks.

(916): View more from California

What?

(916): View more from California

they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won

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(631): View more from New York

using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof

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(307): View more from Wyoming

i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.

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(239): View more from Florida

dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

The key to alley sex is drunkeness.

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(206): View more from Washington

It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to

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(915): View more from Texas

so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on

(1-915): View more from Texas

who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me

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(340): View more from US Virgin Islands

I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you

(541): View more from Oregon

I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.

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(406): View more from Montana

apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...

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(480): View more from Arizona

just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.

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(541): View more from Oregon

someone get that fucking seahorse.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes

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(207): View more from Maine

I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7

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(203): View more from Connecticut

We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE

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(208): View more from Idaho

I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.

(1-813): View more from Florida

Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?

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(530): View more from California

It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls

(763): View more from Minnesota

is that a poem?!

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(419): View more from Ohio

His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch

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(804): View more from Virginia

My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This is sufficient.

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(940): View more from Texas

An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off

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(618): View more from Illinois

Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Barney's a jerk

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth

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(646): View more from New York

A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"

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(256): View more from Alabama

we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.

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(727): View more from Florida

and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos

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(863): View more from Florida

There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.

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(212): View more from New York

How's tricks little girl?

(205): View more from Alabama

Trix are for kids, old man.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I demand visitation hours with the duck.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...

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(323): View more from California

You know you want to come over later

(1-323): View more from California

1:27a: Um no

(1-323): View more from California

1:45a: Maybe

(1-323): View more from California

2:05a: Probably

(1-323): View more from California

2:38a: I'm outside, let me in

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(630): View more from Illinois

She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.

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(305): View more from Florida

Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.

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(989): View more from Michigan

He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame

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(801): View more from Utah

when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen

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(818): View more from California

don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You look like a girl that would like strip clubs

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(716): View more from New York

its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose

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(404): View more from Georgia

Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.

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(415): View more from California

sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.

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(541): View more from Oregon

for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college

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(706): View more from Georgia

I GOT MY PERIOD!

(706): View more from Georgia

damn. i had names picked out.

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(817): View more from Texas

Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(408): View more from California

just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".

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(509): View more from Washington

She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center

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(210): View more from Texas

I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.

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(516): View more from New York

Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...

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(607): View more from New York

please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already

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(931): View more from Tennessee

and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!

(508): View more from Massachusetts

because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him

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(256): View more from Alabama

Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.

(228): View more from Mississippi

Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.

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(949): View more from California

Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

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(443): View more from Maryland

We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.

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(914): View more from New York

shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness

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(619): View more from California

I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?

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(310): View more from California

I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too

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(515): View more from Iowa

RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..

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(207): View more from Maine

My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."

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(712): View more from Iowa

Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.

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(913): View more from Kansas

i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(254): View more from Texas

that's what penises do

(254): View more from Texas

they tell lies.

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(631): View more from New York

This beer is not sobering me up at all

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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(718): View more from New York

Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.

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(810): View more from Michigan

According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.

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(607): View more from New York

Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.

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(334): View more from Alabama

God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.

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(251): View more from Alabama

As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.

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(813): View more from Florida

I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.

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(360): View more from Washington

super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again

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(757): View more from Virginia

I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...

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(310): View more from California

It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations

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(330): View more from Ohio

why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?

(1-330): View more from Ohio

she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old

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(770): View more from Georgia

who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!

(404): View more from Georgia

you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.

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(281): View more from Texas

when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer

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(623): View more from Arizona

listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.

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(904): View more from Florida

Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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(407): View more from Florida

Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.

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(626): View more from California

he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.

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(317): View more from Indiana

All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.

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(408): View more from California

Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.

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(626): View more from California

she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A

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(813): View more from Florida

right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.

(1-813): View more from Florida

only on the fourth of july.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex

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(301): View more from Maryland

We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?

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(404): View more from Georgia

Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.

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(678): View more from Georgia

What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.

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(425): View more from Washington

her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids

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(845): View more from New York

I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal

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(410): View more from Maryland

what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!

(1-410): View more from Maryland

the part where you beat me to him

(410): View more from Maryland

fair enough.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Is he smart?

(1-952): View more from Minnesota

Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.

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(845): View more from New York

She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".

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(480): View more from Arizona

I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.

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(801): View more from Utah

She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.

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(305): View more from Florida

false alarm. still invincible.

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(917): View more from New York City

i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"

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(404): View more from Georgia

There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase

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(404): View more from Georgia

Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.

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(515): View more from Iowa

If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend

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(303): View more from Colorado

maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...

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(586): View more from Michigan

You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?

(1-586): View more from Michigan

You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.

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(216): View more from Ohio

As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.

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(817): View more from Texas

look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.

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(716): View more from New York

I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina

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(+61): View more from Australia

When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.

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(309): View more from Illinois

i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.

(309): View more from Illinois

so finals studying is going well?

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(845): View more from New York

I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.

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(480): View more from Arizona

my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion

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(269): View more from Michigan

sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!

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(503): View more from Oregon

I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"

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(865): View more from Tennessee

he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty

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(315): View more from New York

my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.

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(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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(714): View more from California

So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.

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(210): View more from Texas

so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....

(512): View more from Texas

oh shit that had to have been awkward

(210): View more from Texas

i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(913): View more from Kansas

My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??

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(540): View more from Virginia

The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace

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(540): View more from Virginia

I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.

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(816): View more from Missouri

believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.

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(208): View more from Idaho

why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.

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(970): View more from Colorado

ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.

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(802): View more from Vermont

i can juggle bunnies

(1-802): View more from Vermont

cool

(802): View more from Vermont

on fire

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(858): View more from California

I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.

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(207): View more from Maine

dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat

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(404): View more from Georgia

You can't special order awesome

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(562): View more from California

We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.

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(619): View more from California

We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants

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(954): View more from Florida

I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.

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(415): View more from California

JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP

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(216): View more from Ohio

I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.

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(585): View more from New York

He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.

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(330): View more from Ohio

It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table

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(989): View more from Michigan

dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away

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(909): View more from California

You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"

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