Texts From Last Night · stashman's Favorites

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss

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(207): View more from Maine

my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

my sombrero is too big for the bathroom

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(712): View more from Iowa

it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class

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(917): View more from New York City

i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing

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(760): View more from California

Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I love boston

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(803): View more from South Carolina

She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.

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(802): View more from Vermont

i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.

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(407): View more from Florida

I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

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(727): View more from Florida

how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?

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(516): View more from New York

The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.

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(316): View more from Kansas

when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best

(1-773): View more from Illinois

that's your solution for everything

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(847): View more from Illinois

..i think i can hear you losing your virginity

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(248): View more from Michigan

Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?

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(845): View more from New York

They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out

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(516): View more from New York

Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.

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(314): View more from Missouri

he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."

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(254): View more from Texas

I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time

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(813): View more from Florida

God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.

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(812): View more from Indiana

through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.

(847): View more from Illinois

ill be there in 5.

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(305): View more from Florida

you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out

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(813): View more from Florida

so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw

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(847): View more from Illinois

On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.

(519): View more from Ontario

She did the bend and snap...

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(970): View more from Colorado

you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.

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(434): View more from Virginia

NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun

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(516): View more from New York

She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"

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(613): View more from Ontario

The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city

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(802): View more from Vermont

he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...

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(704): View more from North Carolina

The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?

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(480): View more from Arizona

He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.

(602): View more from Arizona

Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.

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(845): View more from New York

that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...

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(201): View more from New Jersey

It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

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(650): View more from California

I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.

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(503): View more from Oregon

How did you steal an entire pie?

(602): View more from Arizona

I don't know. It's in my purse.

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(903): View more from Texas

The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.

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(718): View more from New York

At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.

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(217): View more from Illinois

you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

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(815): View more from Illinois

Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

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(419): View more from Ohio

vegan vag taste different. and not a good different

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(818): View more from California

im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.

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(646): View more from New York

Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.

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(509): View more from Washington

I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics

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(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?

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(443): View more from Maryland

Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..

(250): View more from British Columbia

i'll start checking the bushes on campus.

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(416): View more from Toronto

the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone

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(416): View more from Toronto

he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010

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(602): View more from Arizona

shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness

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(303): View more from Colorado

I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.

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(206): View more from Washington

And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny

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(609): View more from New Jersey

One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.

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(972): View more from Texas

Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?

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(301): View more from Maryland

she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break

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(816): View more from Missouri

Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.

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(707): View more from California

the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.

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(703): View more from Virginia

We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.

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(310): View more from California

as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'

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(231): View more from Michigan

Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.

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(281): View more from Texas

He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.

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(718): View more from New York

You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?

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(407): View more from Florida

the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?

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(904): View more from Florida

The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.

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(309): View more from Illinois

"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.

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(221): View more from

I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so horny!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so hungry

(508): View more from Massachusetts

WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

For your pussy...

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(727): View more from Florida

and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.

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(801): View more from Utah

We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."

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(208): View more from Idaho

I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink

(313): View more from Michigan

Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver

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(404): View more from Georgia

dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere

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(614): View more from Ohio

It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.

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(510): View more from California

He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you

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(630): View more from Illinois

you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.

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(541): View more from Oregon

You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.

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(301): View more from Maryland

the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"

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(815): View more from Illinois

i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila

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(732): View more from New Jersey

yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."

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(330): View more from Ohio

I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?

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(804): View more from Virginia

I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store

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(845): View more from New York

Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.

(716): View more from New York

gotta love spring break

(845): View more from New York

gotta love slutty girls from the south

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.

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(801): View more from Utah

Yah man, that place is surreal

(731): View more from Tennessee

Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?

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(818): View more from California

Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks

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(720): View more from Colorado

I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was

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(415): View more from California

the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication

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(813): View more from Florida

How am I a tease?

(1-813): View more from Florida

Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.

(813): View more from Florida

ONLY PART OF IT.

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(613): View more from Ontario

You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.

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(315): View more from New York

I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.

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(714): View more from California

Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros

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(336): View more from North Carolina

do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?

(828): View more from North Carolina

how high are you?

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(519): View more from Ontario

I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.

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(716): View more from New York

God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(317): View more from Indiana

All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...

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(712): View more from Iowa

My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.

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(630): View more from Illinois

When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.

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(303): View more from Colorado

It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.

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(785): View more from Kansas

last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.

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(925): View more from California

So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.

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(585): View more from New York

you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish

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(303): View more from Colorado

True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back

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(941): View more from Florida

can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?

(1-941): View more from Florida

idk, I had a turtle in mine.

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(970): View more from Colorado

We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.

(1-970): View more from Colorado

you better fuck at least one or both of them.

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(904): View more from Florida

Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.

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(319): View more from Iowa

you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met

(1-319): View more from Iowa

thanks it was an honor just to be nominated

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(269): View more from Michigan

You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon

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(908): View more from New Jersey

it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere

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(917): View more from New York City

still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.

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(214): View more from Texas

Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious

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(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

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(631): View more from New York

I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

My cha cha got a haircut

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf

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(402): View more from Nebraska

my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Wish you were here....

(734): View more from Michigan

And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.

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(325): View more from Texas

I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka

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(203): View more from Connecticut

whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit

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(661): View more from California

Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds

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(913): View more from Kansas

I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

just woke up in my neighbors garage.

(931): View more from Tennessee

scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.

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(251): View more from Alabama

you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

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(585): View more from New York

she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?

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(903): View more from Texas

Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Me specifically?

(903): View more from Texas

Yep.

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(224): View more from Illinois

She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.

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(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.

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(410): View more from Maryland

These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.

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(951): View more from California

So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.

(909): View more from California

dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I told you not to have sex with her on my futon

(612): View more from Minnesota

I didnt dude, i swear!

(952): View more from Minnesota

either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES

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(858): View more from California

you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"

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(917): View more from New York City

im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out

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(515): View more from Iowa

I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?

(1-515): View more from Iowa

Eco-friendly.

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(917): View more from New York City

Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.

(1-813): View more from Florida

Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Well how do you think I feel

(860): View more from Connecticut

fair enough

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.

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(727): View more from Florida

im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night

(303): View more from Colorado

lol who won

(727): View more from Florida

well im in the hospital right now so u tell me

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(206): View more from Washington

put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties

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(727): View more from Florida

im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens

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(847): View more from Illinois

There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

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(516): View more from New York

my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.

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(917): View more from New York City

I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.

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(303): View more from Colorado

hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"

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(631): View more from New York

You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(703): View more from Virginia

Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow

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(973): View more from New Jersey

He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.

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(740): View more from Ohio

The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.

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(416): View more from Ontario

Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.

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(239): View more from Florida

they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(812): View more from Indiana

How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?

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(845): View more from New York

Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?

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(619): View more from California

you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog

(716): View more from New York

do you not see the irony in that??

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(585): View more from New York

broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.

(716): View more from New York

you're writing country songs now?

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(970): View more from Colorado

If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.

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(607): View more from New York

If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.

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(858): View more from California

Do you think there is vodka in heaven?

(619): View more from California

you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity

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(641): View more from Iowa

she has no idea who harrison ford is.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.

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(912): View more from Georgia

So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.

(1-912): View more from Georgia

Who leaves their car unlocked at night?

(912): View more from Georgia

Someone who wants to read the newspaper.

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(314): View more from Missouri

just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"

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(516): View more from New York

she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".

(917): View more from New York City

I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?

(847): View more from Illinois

Beat you to it.

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(845): View more from New York

I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing

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(631): View more from New York

there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.

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(360): View more from Washington

i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew

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(503): View more from Oregon

after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.

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(386): View more from Florida

you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.

(1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

at least i was looking out for everybody

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava

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(512): View more from Texas

halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...

(480): View more from Arizona

exactly, that's why i want something interesting

(512): View more from Texas

slutty neuroscientist?

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(410): View more from Maryland

I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk

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(402): View more from Nebraska

just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.

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(630): View more from Illinois

you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.

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(802): View more from Vermont

you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

(718): View more from New York

pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

suggestion: become a stripper.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(757): View more from Virginia

I understand Curling. That high.

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(269): View more from Michigan

So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow

(1-269): View more from Michigan

Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10

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(614): View more from Ohio

There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw

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(214): View more from Texas

just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname

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(224): View more from Illinois

hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube

(630): View more from Illinois

my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.

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(850): View more from Florida

I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.

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(559): View more from California

my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.

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(410): View more from Maryland

You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.

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(305): View more from Florida

If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(913): View more from Kansas

if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad

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(513): View more from Ohio

Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified

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(207): View more from Maine

Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people

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(513): View more from Ohio

Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.

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