Texts From Last Night · 9_out_of

9_out_of_10's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(682): View more from Texas

I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face

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(206): View more from Washington

a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.

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(984): View more from North Carolina

i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.

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(734): View more from Michigan

If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

(410): View more from Maryland

you are way too vulgar to be a girl

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I'm wearing red that night.

(301): View more from Maryland

Noted, what shade?

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Whore.

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(386): View more from Florida

he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it

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(284): View more from British V.I.-Carib

they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.

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(513): View more from Ohio

he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"

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(727): View more from Florida

I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.

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(914): View more from New York

Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?

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(408): View more from California

I miss the smell of you or some shit.

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(513): View more from Ohio

He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.

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(903): View more from Texas

EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT

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(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

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(912): View more from Georgia

He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.

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(949): View more from California

In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.

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(682): View more from Texas

I plan on gettn treatment center drunk

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go

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(415): View more from California

i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again

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(727): View more from Florida

the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere

(1-727): View more from Florida

it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man

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(214): View more from Texas

No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea

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(559): View more from California

Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.

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(716): View more from New York

come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!

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(309): View more from Illinois

I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.

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(807): View more from Ontario

her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me

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(646): View more from New York

It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....

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(317): View more from Indiana

Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.

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(516): View more from New York

I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match

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(250): View more from British Columbia

If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.

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(586): View more from Michigan

She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

That doesn't help me much...

(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm right under the moon!

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(701): View more from North Dakota

He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there

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(720): View more from Colorado

i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(815): View more from Illinois

It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.

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(516): View more from New York

There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.

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(315): View more from New York

MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!

(315): View more from New York

AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.

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(631): View more from New York

lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon

(1-631): View more from New York

wow.

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(519): View more from Ontario

ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?

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(214): View more from Texas

You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.

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(949): View more from California

Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING

(617): View more from Massachusetts

you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.

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(214): View more from Texas

Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"

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(804): View more from Virginia

IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT

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(270): View more from Kentucky

The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower

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(661): View more from California

So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?

(818): View more from California

I hate you.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.

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(+66): View more from Thailand

A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure

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(224): View more from Illinois

You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.

(630): View more from Illinois

Thats like the definition of a good friend

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(919): View more from North Carolina

is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?

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(419): View more from Ohio

I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?

(937): View more from Ohio

Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.

(419): View more from Ohio

Is that considered a cock block?

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(937): View more from Ohio

He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.

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(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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(226): View more from Ontario

This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...

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(719): View more from Colorado

He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"

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(216): View more from Ohio

6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.

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(616): View more from Michigan

So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.

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(727): View more from Florida

the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick

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(310): View more from California

While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?

(1-218): View more from Minnesota

Both?

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(404): View more from Georgia

My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?

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(806): View more from Texas

I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?

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(951): View more from California

All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores

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(864): View more from South Carolina

no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.

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(518): View more from New York

September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location

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(406): View more from Montana

I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life

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(917): View more from New York City

He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.

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(678): View more from Georgia

You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"

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(419): View more from Ohio

The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .

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(703): View more from Virginia

Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.

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(706): View more from Georgia

This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.

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(850): View more from Florida

my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working

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(727): View more from Florida

she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex

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(517): View more from Michigan

The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came

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(505): View more from New Mexico

he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.

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(417): View more from Missouri

He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...

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(248): View more from Michigan

To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....

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(516): View more from New York

the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!

(218): View more from Minnesota

I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.

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(949): View more from California

Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

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(917): View more from New York City

They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.

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(305): View more from Florida

I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can

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(815): View more from Illinois

I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while

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(425): View more from Washington

Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"

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(630): View more from Illinois

You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot

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(703): View more from Virginia

just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.

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(516): View more from New York

The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

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(917): View more from New York City

M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT

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(250): View more from British Columbia

tequila makes me forget i have legs

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(251): View more from Alabama

As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.

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(757): View more from Virginia

It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"

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(614): View more from Ohio

yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

and what did he say?

(614): View more from Ohio

there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.

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(478): View more from Georgia

So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking

(404): View more from Georgia

how did that work out?

(478): View more from Georgia

Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Hey man your outta milk

(541): View more from Oregon

How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!

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(313): View more from Michigan

I can get orange kush...

(586): View more from Michigan

GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!

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(802): View more from Vermont

I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore

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(520): View more from Arizona

She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.

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(207): View more from Maine

I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.

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(913): View more from Kansas

sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.

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(530): View more from California

As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.

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(845): View more from New York

She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".

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(303): View more from Colorado

He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!

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(805): View more from California

the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.

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(514): View more from Quebec

His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.

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(630): View more from Illinois

wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?

(816): View more from Missouri

yes. helicopter.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.

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(785): View more from Kansas

i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.

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(706): View more from Georgia

We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where's it at?

(706): View more from Georgia

In your pants.

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(406): View more from Montana

She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.

(409): View more from Texas

That was definitely the right answer.

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(702): View more from Nevada

She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew

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(937): View more from Ohio

He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?

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(417): View more from Missouri

I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt

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(864): View more from South Carolina

i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room

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(850): View more from Florida

Are you still giving blowjobs?

(1-850): View more from Florida

Who is this?

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(301): View more from Maryland

If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?

(513): View more from Ohio

Get out now.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Ask politely.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Thats good enough.

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(847): View more from Illinois

He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A

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(702): View more from Nevada

she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.

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(319): View more from Iowa

How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.

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(718): View more from New York

You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck

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(517): View more from Michigan

you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"

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(562): View more from California

the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

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(425): View more from Washington

her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.

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(937): View more from Ohio

[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]

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(517): View more from Michigan

drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea

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(917): View more from New York City

I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I honestly don't know what to make of that.

(423): View more from Tennessee

A ham sandwich would be nice.

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(916): View more from California

my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"

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(614): View more from Ohio

I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.

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(434): View more from Virginia

because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?

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(813): View more from Florida

right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.

(1-813): View more from Florida

only on the fourth of july.

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(850): View more from Florida

Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.

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(330): View more from Ohio

She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.

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(409): View more from Texas

First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.

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(630): View more from Illinois

She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep

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(509): View more from Washington

She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after

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(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

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(806): View more from Texas

at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.

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(916): View more from California

Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs

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(325): View more from Texas

I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.

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(518): View more from New York

All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

(301): View more from Maryland

OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

(518): View more from New York

Doritoesssssss

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.

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(903): View more from Texas

omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia

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(818): View more from California

Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...

(615): View more from Tennessee

Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again

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(702): View more from Nevada

Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

Yeah, but four times?

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(310): View more from California

i fucked a milf yesterday.

(619): View more from California

i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.

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(661): View more from California

new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did he notice?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..

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(410): View more from Maryland

I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.

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(206): View more from Washington

She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.

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(845): View more from New York

I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.

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(434): View more from Virginia

i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome

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(604): View more from British Columbia

5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

You should've just screamed yes we can!

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.

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(971): View more from Oregon

I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.

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(951): View more from California

Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.

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(850): View more from Florida

You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I hate the hobo that sits outside our building

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Joe or Chris?

(314): View more from Missouri

do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?

(1-314): View more from Missouri

well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.

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(815): View more from Illinois

May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

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(231): View more from Michigan

Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"

(231): View more from Michigan

OMG its one we used last night

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(519): View more from Ontario

Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.

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(585): View more from New York

She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it

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(860): View more from Connecticut

what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(678): View more from Georgia

He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.

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(916): View more from California

17 year olds will be the death of me.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest

(248): View more from Michigan

If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does

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(757): View more from Virginia

He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you

(580): View more from Oklahoma

Really.

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(240): View more from Maryland

boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

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(917): View more from New York City

so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style

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(803): View more from South Carolina

there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool

(252): View more from North Carolina

Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five

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(337): View more from Louisiana

The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party

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(207): View more from Maine

dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

That's funny. Are they weird looking???

(262): View more from Wisconsin

OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.

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(530): View more from California

I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.

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(517): View more from Michigan

this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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(954): View more from Florida

Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.

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(586): View more from Michigan

so how was last night?

(1-586): View more from Michigan

got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.

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(949): View more from California

Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.

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(574): View more from Indiana

You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.

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(309): View more from Illinois

so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.

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(281): View more from Texas

I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...

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(703): View more from Virginia

So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win

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(336): View more from North Carolina

While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.

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(206): View more from Washington

she told me i tasted like america

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(757): View more from Virginia

you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.

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(951): View more from California

I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal

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(503): View more from Oregon

Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower

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(707): View more from California

My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."

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(513): View more from Ohio

So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.

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(818): View more from California

my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie

(420): View more from

your the best winggirl ever

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(703): View more from Virginia

Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall

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(409): View more from Texas

We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

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(813): View more from Florida

We shouldn"t be alone together

(606): View more from Kentucky

you didn"t say that yesterday

(813): View more from Florida

you weren't married yesterday

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(989): View more from Michigan

dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away

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(513): View more from Ohio

I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??

(713): View more from Texas

Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.

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(516): View more from New York

my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

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(240): View more from Maryland

Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.

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(562): View more from California

omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(281): View more from Texas

How do you jack off and text at the same time?

(1-281): View more from Texas

On my iPhone they have an app for that

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(214): View more from Texas

he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

fireball beer pong. youre missing out

(732): View more from New Jersey

how is that even possible?

(908): View more from New Jersey

ove gloves.

(732): View more from New Jersey

be there in ten.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.

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(562): View more from California

Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on

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(646): View more from New York

They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!

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(410): View more from Maryland

He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

True romance of the 21st century.

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(703): View more from Virginia

As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

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(912): View more from Georgia

There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.

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(972): View more from Texas

They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

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(845): View more from New York

he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"

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(817): View more from Texas

just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child

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(216): View more from Ohio

somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.

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(716): View more from New York

she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.

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(406): View more from Montana

Its weird to pet your cat with a boner

(1-406): View more from Montana

What the fuck?

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(518): View more from New York

and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card

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(775): View more from Nevada

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(812): View more from Indiana

through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.

(847): View more from Illinois

ill be there in 5.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"

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(714): View more from California

She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.

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(503): View more from Oregon

we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.

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(574): View more from Indiana

no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"

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(208): View more from Idaho

His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(301): View more from Maryland

look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.

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(425): View more from Washington

Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.

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(716): View more from New York

the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..

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(573): View more from Missouri

just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.

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