Texts From Last Night · bambieyes34's Favorites

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bambieyes34's Favorites Texts:

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(719): View more from Colorado

She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.

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(716): View more from New York

You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage

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(240): View more from Maryland

The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!

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(229): View more from Georgia

You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name

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(949): View more from California

You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.

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(510): View more from California

She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.

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(518): View more from New York

I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!

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(931): View more from Tennessee

nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.

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(818): View more from California

My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club

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(519): View more from Ontario

she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"

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(905): View more from Ontario

His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.

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(904): View more from Florida

I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am

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(404): View more from Georgia

So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.

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(440): View more from Ohio

He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.

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(316): View more from Kansas

I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before

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(408): View more from California

I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?

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(256): View more from Alabama

i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?

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(480): View more from Arizona

It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.

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(951): View more from California

I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.

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(323): View more from California

BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!

(910): View more from North Carolina

I THINK I SHARTED

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(917): View more from New York City

bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...

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(248): View more from Michigan

Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..

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(706): View more from Georgia

I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.

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(509): View more from Washington

He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.

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(207): View more from Maine

It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"

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(646): View more from New York

My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.

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(714): View more from California

I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?

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(619): View more from California

My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

people would bow to what i just did to her vagina

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.

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(514): View more from Quebec

Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for

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(360): View more from Washington

Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.

(1-360): View more from Washington

You win. Erica always eats cat food.

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(513): View more from Ohio

seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been

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(208): View more from Idaho

He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...

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(250): View more from British Columbia

You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.

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(314): View more from Missouri

The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.

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(850): View more from Florida

Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??

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(816): View more from Missouri

you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?

(636): View more from Missouri

you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game

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(530): View more from California

I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big

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(719): View more from Colorado

Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great

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(423): View more from Tennessee

You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!

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(503): View more from Oregon

So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...

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(517): View more from Michigan

First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.

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(309): View more from Illinois

there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s

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(443): View more from Maryland

I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...

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(770): View more from Georgia

Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.

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(714): View more from California

I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.

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(913): View more from Kansas

My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog

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(510): View more from California

yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him

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(210): View more from Texas

I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!

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(303): View more from Colorado

accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...

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(480): View more from Arizona

I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.

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(678): View more from Georgia

You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'

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(541): View more from Oregon

they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you

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(509): View more from Washington

She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after

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(785): View more from Kansas

i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks

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(314): View more from Missouri

We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.

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(214): View more from Texas

I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.

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(561): View more from Florida

he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd

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(404): View more from Georgia

He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.

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(916): View more from California

is it cool if i come over and use your computer?

(1-916): View more from California

what happened to yours?

(916): View more from California

i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.

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(925): View more from California

so explain again why im purple

(617): View more from Massachusetts

no

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(713): View more from Texas

I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.

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(407): View more from Florida

So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina

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(316): View more from Kansas

I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.

(1-419): View more from Ohio

I'm out of town so we should be golden.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

Ooooh. Get funfetti

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(406): View more from Montana

All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off

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(773): View more from Illinois

What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.

(773): View more from Illinois

We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.

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(714): View more from California

he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now

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(806): View more from Texas

It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.

(1-806): View more from Texas

It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.

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(214): View more from Texas

Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?

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(514): View more from Quebec

He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth

(1-870): View more from Arkansas

I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come

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(917): View more from New York City

Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.

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(425): View more from Washington

You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.

(206): View more from Washington

The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!

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(281): View more from Texas

Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.

(940): View more from Texas

Deal.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.

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(512): View more from Texas

I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend

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(314): View more from Missouri

Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best

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(770): View more from Georgia

Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit

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(303): View more from Colorado

How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?

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(763): View more from Minnesota

It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language

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(847): View more from Illinois

Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding

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(512): View more from Texas

I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position

(1-512): View more from Texas

I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.

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(937): View more from Ohio

as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.

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(586): View more from Michigan

We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.

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(812): View more from Indiana

If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours

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(732): View more from New Jersey

if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february

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(410): View more from Maryland

Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day

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(229): View more from Georgia

It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.

(904): View more from Florida

Keeping it classy as usual I see

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(732): View more from New Jersey

How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar

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(613): View more from Ontario

She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think

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(614): View more from Ohio

Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.

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(772): View more from Florida

So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.

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(620): View more from Kansas

Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.

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(757): View more from Virginia

So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway

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(740): View more from Ohio

Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.

(740): View more from Ohio

Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.

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(613): View more from Ontario

have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?

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(850): View more from Florida

There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.

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(+61): View more from Australia

On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety

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(256): View more from Alabama

Just make sure my intervention has a theme...

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(540): View more from Virginia

how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".

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(641): View more from Iowa

You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area

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(703): View more from Virginia

No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me

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(708): View more from Illinois

you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...

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(906): View more from Michigan

It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.

(1-906): View more from Michigan

Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.

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(574): View more from Indiana

I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor

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(808): View more from Hawaii

And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.

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(713): View more from Texas

There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special

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(417): View more from Missouri

Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?

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(438): View more from Quebec

gladiator or hannah montana?

(514): View more from Quebec

This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You're just horny.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus

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(831): View more from California

YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.

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(440): View more from Ohio

They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.

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(805): View more from California

Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?

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(970): View more from Colorado

I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.

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(404): View more from Georgia

NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..

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(316): View more from Kansas

I was tackling you out of excitement

(918): View more from Oklahoma

Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.

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(+49): View more from Germany

we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!

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(856): View more from New Jersey

After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.

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(352): View more from Florida

I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard

(1-417): View more from Missouri

Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.

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(302): View more from Delaware

She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.

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(949): View more from California

Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.

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(541): View more from Oregon

bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?

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(905): View more from Ontario

Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I stole a fireplace last night.

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(804): View more from Virginia

have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with

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(204): View more from Manitoba

We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.

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(407): View more from Florida

I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

Now it's a party.

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(518): View more from New York

I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?

(208): View more from Idaho

Beautiful, beautiful reality

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(406): View more from Montana

Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?

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(320): View more from Minnesota

He won't sleep with me again until I commit...

(1-320): View more from Minnesota

Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.

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(425): View more from Washington

He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that

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(425): View more from Washington

I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.

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(416): View more from Toronto

You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.

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(831): View more from California

She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester

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(518): View more from New York

Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.

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(714): View more from California

im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.

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(360): View more from Washington

When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.

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(679): View more from Michigan

I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.

(507): View more from Minnesota

Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.

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(972): View more from Texas

Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.

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(607): View more from New York

You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.

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(515): View more from Iowa

nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right

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(209): View more from California

I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?

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(951): View more from California

Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.

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(914): View more from New York

My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.

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(563): View more from Iowa

You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.

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(313): View more from Michigan

It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.

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(348): View more from

Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.

(1-348): View more from

You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk

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(214): View more from Texas

As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

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(718): View more from New York

She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.

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(433): View more from

There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables

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(602): View more from Arizona

Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.

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(847): View more from Illinois

My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo

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(789): View more from

If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.

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(850): View more from Florida

He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life

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(973): View more from New Jersey

How did you even find out?

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."

(973): View more from New Jersey

Oh.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

her facebook's as public as her vagina

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(609): View more from New Jersey

no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.

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(818): View more from California

hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.

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(360): View more from Washington

I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(734): View more from Michigan

I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

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(720): View more from Colorado

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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(847): View more from Illinois

He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

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(410): View more from Maryland

so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

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(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(815): View more from Illinois

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

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(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(520): View more from Arizona

you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab

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(641): View more from Iowa

Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.

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(847): View more from Illinois

The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.

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(514): View more from Quebec

Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick

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(216): View more from Ohio

I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit

(216): View more from Ohio

There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.

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(408): View more from California

She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety

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(952): View more from Minnesota

So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.

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(770): View more from Georgia

the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.

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(913): View more from Kansas

The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.

(816): View more from Missouri

Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from

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(720): View more from Colorado

You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.

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(303): View more from Colorado

theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.

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(812): View more from Indiana

You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.

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(949): View more from California

He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...

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(941): View more from Florida

It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.

(1-941): View more from Florida

Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime

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(310): View more from California

I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm

(1-757): View more from Virginia

Dick in a box?

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(347): View more from New York

Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me

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(320): View more from Minnesota

It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.

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(713): View more from Texas

We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

Marry him. Now.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Do what your heart wants. . .

(504): View more from Louisiana

My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis

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(419): View more from Ohio

That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.

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(231): View more from Michigan

My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....

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(256): View more from Alabama

I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!

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(727): View more from Florida

well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.

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(623): View more from Arizona

How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?

(1-623): View more from Arizona

You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.

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(831): View more from California

tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better

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(541): View more from Oregon

I want a burrito.

(1-541): View more from Oregon

Truly, you are the voice of a generation.

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(619): View more from California

The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.

(1-619): View more from California

Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt

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(310): View more from California

Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.

(1-310): View more from California

Shall we take a trip back?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.

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(330): View more from Ohio

After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?

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(517): View more from Michigan

I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch

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(678): View more from Georgia

So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.

(770): View more from Georgia

Dude. Do it.

(678): View more from Georgia

Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?

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(816): View more from Missouri

We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"

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(773): View more from Illinois

I think I sprained my soul last night

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(719): View more from Colorado

I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits

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(254): View more from Texas

Are we hungover?

(713): View more from Texas

I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..

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(207): View more from Maine

no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.

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(328): View more from

im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?

(1-328): View more from

anal.

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(989): View more from Michigan

his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.

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(817): View more from Texas

In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.

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(773): View more from Illinois

It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.

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(509): View more from Washington

I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..

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(239): View more from Florida

His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick

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(712): View more from Iowa

buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.

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(407): View more from Florida

He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.

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(404): View more from Georgia

and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.

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(512): View more from Texas

what did gay clubs do before lady gaga

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(585): View more from New York

You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You slow clapped the stripper last night.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

how bad is she

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

captain morgan with tits

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(314): View more from Missouri

Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.

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(806): View more from Texas

I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I'm wearing red that night.

(301): View more from Maryland

Noted, what shade?

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Whore.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

(410): View more from Maryland

you are way too vulgar to be a girl

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(778): View more from British Columbia

You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.

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(517): View more from Michigan

btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being

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(773): View more from Illinois

while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"

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(407): View more from Florida

I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much

(352): View more from Florida

Like they're going to fly away?

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(719): View more from Colorado

If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key

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(253): View more from Washington

At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.

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(631): View more from New York

Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.

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(747): View more from California

by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.

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(909): View more from California

What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for

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(573): View more from Missouri

No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?

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(914): View more from New York

He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.

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(714): View more from California

Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that

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(757): View more from Virginia

Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.

(1-757): View more from Virginia

It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?

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(714): View more from California

my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.

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(916): View more from California

I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay

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(314): View more from Missouri

The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

He likes bondage and spanking and shit.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university

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(503): View more from Oregon

She wants to have naked weekends

(541): View more from Oregon

They call that free range vagina in France

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(937): View more from Ohio

Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.

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(775): View more from Nevada

They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.

(1-775): View more from Nevada

I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.

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(+61): View more from Australia

why is my forehead so bruised?

(1+61): View more from

i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.

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(419): View more from Ohio

after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch

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(614): View more from Ohio

Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday

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(905): View more from Ontario

he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...

(719): View more from Colorado

LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..

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(609): View more from New Jersey

She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks

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(972): View more from Texas

I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.

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(801): View more from Utah

The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance

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(604): View more from British Columbia

a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?

(604): View more from British Columbia

unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.

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(561): View more from Florida

I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?

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(404): View more from Georgia

My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is

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(817): View more from Texas

All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning

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(631): View more from New York

i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night

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(585): View more from New York

i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place

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(517): View more from Michigan

I'm having a debate with **** over whether or not he is gay... what's your verdict?

(1-517): View more from Michigan

GAY or at the very least bisexual.

(1-517): View more from Michigan

His "joking around" with all of his roommates is clearly as act. He needs to step back and reevaluate his sexual orientation.

(517): View more from Michigan

Weird... you've rode him.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous

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(604): View more from British Columbia

All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?

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(949): View more from California

I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.

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(325): View more from Texas

Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero

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(805): View more from California

You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.

(1-805): View more from California

watch me

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(772): View more from Florida

Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish

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(336): View more from North Carolina

But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(847): View more from Illinois

so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

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(516): View more from New York

im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(585): View more from New York

Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered

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(516): View more from New York

Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking

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(847): View more from Illinois

I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE

(1-847): View more from Illinois

This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.

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(815): View more from Illinois

We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

peace be with you.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Wheres my essay?

(415): View more from California

You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?

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(720): View more from Colorado

As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.

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(512): View more from Texas

i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick

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(203): View more from Connecticut

No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.

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(512): View more from Texas

ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..

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(504): View more from Louisiana

But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...

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(408): View more from California

I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.

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(607): View more from New York

It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.

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(703): View more from Virginia

You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."

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(772): View more from Florida

I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.

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(303): View more from Colorado

When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes

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(469): View more from Texas

I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Guess what happened to me today at work?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

I have chlamydia. What happened.

(734): View more from Michigan

Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision

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(301): View more from Maryland

my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook

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(604): View more from British Columbia

In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order

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(604): View more from British Columbia

The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina

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(804): View more from Virginia

Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.

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(309): View more from Illinois

We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.

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(937): View more from Ohio

You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.

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(713): View more from Texas

I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you

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(587): View more from Alberta

Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.

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(707): View more from California

I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.

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(616): View more from Michigan

This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.

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(914): View more from New York

Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?

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(727): View more from Florida

It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.

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(219): View more from Indiana

The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning

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(248): View more from Michigan

She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."

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(404): View more from Georgia

He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn

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(312): View more from Illinois

Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog

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(806): View more from Texas

Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep

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(217): View more from Illinois

Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.

(910): View more from North Carolina

Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.

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(602): View more from Arizona

She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically

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(415): View more from California

He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished

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(519): View more from Ontario

My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"

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(614): View more from Ohio

Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.

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(903): View more from Texas

This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.

(254): View more from Texas

Jealous?

(903): View more from Texas

Very.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.

(720): View more from Colorado

Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?

(303): View more from Colorado

my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"

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(509): View more from Washington

Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.

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(661): View more from California

He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT

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(330): View more from Ohio

Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.

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(512): View more from Texas

I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show

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(310): View more from California

Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement

(310): View more from California

oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine

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(734): View more from Michigan

The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.

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(562): View more from California

The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Where was your thought process?

(1-778): View more from British Columbia

Drowning in my hangover.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle

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(480): View more from Arizona

Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?

(501): View more from Arkansas

Go back and try to find another to go home with.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.

(856): View more from New Jersey

dear god, who put you in a cab?

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(757): View more from Virginia

Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.

(1-757): View more from Virginia

I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?

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(307): View more from Wyoming

this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'

(860): View more from Connecticut

where do you find these guys?

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(641): View more from Iowa

I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.

(515): View more from Iowa

That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.

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(906): View more from Michigan

3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D

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(732): View more from New Jersey

A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?

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(207): View more from Maine

There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.

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(207): View more from Maine

I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid

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(510): View more from California

This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.

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(630): View more from Illinois

For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"

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(802): View more from Vermont

stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.

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(435): View more from Utah

Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

yeah you don't forget that shit easily

(651): View more from Minnesota

We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

That's practically a relationship for you

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(727): View more from Florida

Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.

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(616): View more from Michigan

She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.

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(949): View more from California

You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"

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(803): View more from South Carolina

at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear

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(770): View more from Georgia

Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals

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(517): View more from Michigan

I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.

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(925): View more from California

He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.

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(831): View more from California

i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila

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(254): View more from Texas

There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator

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(224): View more from Illinois

I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!

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(757): View more from Virginia

This theraflu would make for a great margarita.

(1-757): View more from Virginia

I can make a sudafedarita

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.

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(646): View more from New York

So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking

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(773): View more from Illinois

Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well

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