Texts From Last Night · bitchinnhoin88's Favorites

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(240): View more from Maryland

We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.

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(516): View more from New York

my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now

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(910): View more from North Carolina

All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...

(910): View more from North Carolina

It's inspiring.

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(613): View more from Ontario

My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?

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(415): View more from California

Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"

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(204): View more from Manitoba

You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.

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(805): View more from California

I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.

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(541): View more from Oregon

So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display

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(912): View more from Georgia

Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina

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(614): View more from Ohio

It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade

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(203): View more from Connecticut

My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl

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(302): View more from Delaware

He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly

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(503): View more from Oregon

If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family

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(616): View more from Michigan

You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?

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(443): View more from Maryland

we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice

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(228): View more from Mississippi

thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"

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(407): View more from Florida

I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.

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(407): View more from Florida

HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN

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(706): View more from Georgia

She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.

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(705): View more from Ontario

All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...

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(518): View more from New York

I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.

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(253): View more from Washington

The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid

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(407): View more from Florida

Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service

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(828): View more from North Carolina

you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.

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(352): View more from Florida

Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?

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(714): View more from California

My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.

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(516): View more from New York

OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM

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(631): View more from New York

well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore

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(214): View more from Texas

things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.

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(619): View more from California

Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..

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(802): View more from Vermont

his penis is PERFECT

(802): View more from Vermont

I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm

(802): View more from Vermont

or knit it little hat

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."

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(206): View more from Washington

I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians

(503): View more from Oregon

How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?

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(818): View more from California

remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,

(702): View more from Nevada

Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.

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(914): View more from New York

I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.

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(720): View more from Colorado

At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course

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(561): View more from Florida

I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.

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(602): View more from Arizona

so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.

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(512): View more from Texas

The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?

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(256): View more from Alabama

FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.

(217): View more from Illinois

Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I can get orange kush...

(586): View more from Michigan

GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!

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(203): View more from Connecticut

you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

(508): View more from Massachusetts

what was i wearing?

(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing

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(248): View more from Michigan

They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I honestly don't know what to make of that.

(423): View more from Tennessee

A ham sandwich would be nice.

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(916): View more from California

my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"

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(631): View more from New York

So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"

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(985): View more from Louisiana

shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.

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(718): View more from New York

he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty

(917): View more from New York City

smooth operator

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(239): View more from Florida

Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?

(813): View more from Florida

Nah, just masturbating louder

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(419): View more from Ohio

We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball

(419): View more from Ohio

And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity

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(314): View more from Missouri

i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.

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(513): View more from Ohio

i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.

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(214): View more from Texas

She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca

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(530): View more from California

As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.

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(214): View more from Texas

Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.

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(845): View more from New York

my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie

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(661): View more from California

aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet

(623): View more from Arizona

And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs

(661): View more from California

Exactly.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.

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(807): View more from Ontario

I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(954): View more from Florida

tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?

(1-954): View more from Florida

Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?

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(205): View more from Alabama

I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(207): View more from Maine

Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.

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(404): View more from Georgia

There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase

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(317): View more from Indiana

cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome

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(917): View more from New York City

I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.

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(208): View more from Idaho

She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"

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(402): View more from Nebraska

my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.

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(707): View more from California

You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.

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(989): View more from Michigan

It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.

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(785): View more from Kansas

There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though

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(415): View more from California

I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"

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(850): View more from Florida

Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

She tied me up with her honor cords...

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.

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(409): View more from Texas

We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus

(1-409): View more from Texas

How are you texting me from 1998?

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(650): View more from California

we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed

(505): View more from New Mexico

god you guys know how to party

(650): View more from California

worst. bachelorette party. ever.

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(650): View more from California

so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.

(1-650): View more from California

did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?

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(404): View more from Georgia

hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

What?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.

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(765): View more from Indiana

let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings

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(714): View more from California

drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.

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(912): View more from Georgia

He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.

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(631): View more from New York

the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'

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(903): View more from Texas

omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia

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(914): View more from New York

still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.

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(949): View more from California

The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.

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(806): View more from Texas

We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.

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(773): View more from Illinois

arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now

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(513): View more from Ohio

Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.

(478): View more from Georgia

I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.

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(518): View more from New York

she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..

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(862): View more from New Jersey

he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"

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(660): View more from Missouri

Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(310): View more from California

ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage

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(408): View more from California

They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.

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(562): View more from California

not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.

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(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion

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(805): View more from California

a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot

(818): View more from California

god is laughing at you again

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(443): View more from Maryland

She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?

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(208): View more from Idaho

why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month

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(517): View more from Michigan

this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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(925): View more from California

after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.

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(586): View more from Michigan

so how was last night?

(1-586): View more from Michigan

got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.

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(210): View more from Texas

Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously

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(804): View more from Virginia

finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

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(585): View more from New York

My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation

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(810): View more from Michigan

can I come stay the night

(217): View more from Illinois

yeah, but no sex tonight

(810): View more from Michigan

I'll stay home

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(217): View more from Illinois

i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest

(248): View more from Michigan

If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does

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(419): View more from Ohio

All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.

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(757): View more from Virginia

He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit

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(916): View more from California

This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.

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(269): View more from Michigan

Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.

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(512): View more from Texas

She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."

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(816): View more from Missouri

Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.

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(248): View more from Michigan

my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'

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(207): View more from Maine

my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!

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(757): View more from Virginia

you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'

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(616): View more from Michigan

We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex

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(917): View more from New York City

someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.

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(845): View more from New York

Because ur a stupid bitch

(1-845): View more from New York

Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.

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(352): View more from Florida

Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.

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(210): View more from Texas

I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.

(512): View more from Texas

There are margaritas in the freezer still.

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(904): View more from Florida

Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea

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(573): View more from Missouri

this study room smells like vodka

(310): View more from California

the study room thinks the same about you

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(314): View more from Missouri

Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?

(636): View more from Missouri

our generation is not ready to get married

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(480): View more from Arizona

Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.

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(914): View more from New York

I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me

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(818): View more from California

my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.

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(707): View more from California

My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.

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(917): View more from New York City

i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing

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(760): View more from California

Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?

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(409): View more from Texas

We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.

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(585): View more from New York

You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.

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(802): View more from Vermont

i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.

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(562): View more from California

Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night

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(516): View more from New York

I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator

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(360): View more from Washington

Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere

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(210): View more from Texas

it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class

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(303): View more from Colorado

Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.

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(620): View more from Kansas

I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.

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(216): View more from Ohio

somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser

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(410): View more from Maryland

He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

True romance of the 21st century.

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(513): View more from Ohio

sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.

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(513): View more from Ohio

i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.

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(303): View more from Colorado

i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'

(586): View more from Michigan

I thought that was really considerate

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(586): View more from Michigan

There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.

(586): View more from Michigan

It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them

(586): View more from Michigan

Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window

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(240): View more from Maryland

Thanks for last night it was amazing as always

(703): View more from Virginia

What are you talking about

(240): View more from Maryland

You've got to be kidding me

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(248): View more from Michigan

I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now

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(305): View more from Florida

I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".

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(970): View more from Colorado

Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.

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(607): View more from New York

You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(910): View more from North Carolina

wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

(910): View more from North Carolina

IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(410): View more from Maryland

so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(847): View more from Illinois

so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(310): View more from California

So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts

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(858): View more from California

Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.

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(407): View more from Florida

Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.

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(786): View more from Florida

He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way

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(847): View more from Illinois

Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life

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(256): View more from Alabama

from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.

(334): View more from Alabama

i do.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so horny!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so hungry

(508): View more from Massachusetts

WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

For your pussy...

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu

(781): View more from Massachusetts

So you're taking me there this weekend?

(508): View more from Massachusetts

oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."

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(908): View more from New Jersey

If I go to jail what happens to my debt?

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

You dont have to pay it.

(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm going to jail.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

the vacuum is drunk

(703): View more from Virginia

what?

(908): View more from New Jersey

i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk

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(908): View more from New Jersey

we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

you should have been aborted.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"

(973): View more from New Jersey

What's this douchebags name?

(908): View more from New Jersey

Rob...

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.

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