Texts From Last Night · doodypumpkin's Favorites

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(941): View more from Florida

its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.

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(970): View more from Colorado

No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...

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(720): View more from Colorado

i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944

(720): View more from Colorado

and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate

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(757): View more from Virginia

It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"

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(845): View more from New York

I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting

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(518): View more from New York

i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock

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(631): View more from New York

You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.

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(513): View more from Ohio

The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.

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(303): View more from Colorado

But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka

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(203): View more from Connecticut

apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis

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(585): View more from New York

any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?

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(410): View more from Maryland

he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero

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(360): View more from Washington

Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.

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(517): View more from Michigan

we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'

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(727): View more from Florida

My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.

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(303): View more from Colorado

why im i the only drunk person in the library?

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(407): View more from Florida

I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city

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(716): View more from New York

it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

(1-440): View more from Ohio

please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

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(954): View more from Florida

What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?

(904): View more from Florida

Both

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(519): View more from Ontario

DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.

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(315): View more from New York

I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in

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(661): View more from California

I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me

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(843): View more from South Carolina

She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

That doesn't help me much...

(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm right under the moon!

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(616): View more from Michigan

So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful

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(712): View more from Iowa

Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer

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(925): View more from California

don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement

(510): View more from California

big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.

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(970): View more from Colorado

ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"

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(281): View more from Texas

Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.

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(661): View more from California

Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds

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(770): View more from Georgia

who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!

(404): View more from Georgia

you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.

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(773): View more from Illinois

she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable

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(773): View more from Illinois

you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"

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(330): View more from Ohio

Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking

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(908): View more from New Jersey

how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?

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(773): View more from Illinois

You're such a slut.

(318): View more from Louisiana

I prefer opportunist.

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(912): View more from Georgia

an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks

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(818): View more from California

apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"

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(515): View more from Iowa

you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.

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(206): View more from Washington

woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night

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(425): View more from Washington

we turned his baptism video into a drinking game

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(240): View more from Maryland

And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer

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(404): View more from Georgia

I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans

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(703): View more from Virginia

Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.

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(619): View more from California

I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.

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(845): View more from New York

We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?

(1-845): View more from New York

Who won mens moguls?

(845): View more from New York

That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?

(941): View more from Florida

better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

I like it rough

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(256): View more from Alabama

You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.

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(410): View more from Maryland

hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)

(1-410): View more from Maryland

stop writing like that.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Winning.

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(404): View more from Georgia

you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."

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(207): View more from Maine

I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.

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(708): View more from Illinois

We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now

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(425): View more from Washington

i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"

(206): View more from Washington

do it. it's every man's dream.

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(208): View more from Idaho

The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it

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(760): View more from California

when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Umm you met him three days ago....

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I said what I said

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(314): View more from Missouri

I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.

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(254): View more from Texas

There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.

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(702): View more from Nevada

As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

i want to fuck

(320): View more from Minnesota

?

(701): View more from North Dakota

it's pretty self explanatory

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(573): View more from Missouri

Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.

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(256): View more from Alabama

He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.

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(620): View more from Kansas

How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?

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(865): View more from Tennessee

we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door

(865): View more from Tennessee

and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice

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(315): View more from New York

I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob

(203): View more from Connecticut

For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho

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(631): View more from New York

This beer is not sobering me up at all

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(810): View more from Michigan

Adam has been drinking

(1-810): View more from Michigan

Who has his phone

(810): View more from Michigan

Adam does

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(404): View more from Georgia

Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?

(1-404): View more from Georgia

did you answer or finish?

(404): View more from Georgia

both

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(204): View more from Manitoba

My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash

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(908): View more from New Jersey

It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!

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(503): View more from Oregon

i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text

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(586): View more from Michigan

he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.

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(815): View more from Illinois

New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.

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(303): View more from Colorado

One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.

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(956): View more from Texas

Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."

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(407): View more from Florida

Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?

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(816): View more from Missouri

Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe

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(330): View more from Ohio

Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list

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(303): View more from Colorado

i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed

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(805): View more from California

my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.

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(917): View more from New York City

she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad

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(+44): View more from England

Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back

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(289): View more from Ontario

So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already

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(856): View more from New Jersey

smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.

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(702): View more from Nevada

When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

I've always been the spiritual type.

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(909): View more from California

i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.

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(636): View more from Missouri

You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.

(847): View more from Illinois

What did I say?

(636): View more from Missouri

Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,

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(207): View more from Maine

Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....

(617): View more from Massachusetts

I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11

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(281): View more from Texas

Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.

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(239): View more from Florida

just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...

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(226): View more from Ontario

forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.

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(415): View more from California

well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart

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(432): View more from Texas

Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

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(443): View more from Maryland

shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

wrong number but thanks

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it

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(731): View more from Tennessee

can we take a shower together?

(901): View more from Tennessee

no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing

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(586): View more from Michigan

You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?

(1-586): View more from Michigan

You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!

(508): View more from Massachusetts

because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.

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(913): View more from Kansas

So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?

(314): View more from Missouri

you had an obligation.

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(720): View more from Colorado

i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.

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(208): View more from Idaho

why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

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(253): View more from Washington

Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.

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(434): View more from Virginia

i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome

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(605): View more from South Dakota

i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."

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(732): View more from New Jersey

She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.

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(310): View more from California

So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes

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(217): View more from Illinois

he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.

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(214): View more from Texas

new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.

(504): View more from Louisiana

Who won?

(225): View more from Louisiana

All of them.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.

(860): View more from Connecticut

what did you do?

(203): View more from Connecticut

i asked her out. that's so hot.

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(804): View more from Virginia

you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high

(808): View more from Hawaii

worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

nevermind....I'm on the way

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar

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(330): View more from Ohio

She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.

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(607): View more from New York

I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.

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(415): View more from California

I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there

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(910): View more from North Carolina

it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'

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(843): View more from South Carolina

i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.

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(971): View more from Oregon

So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"

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(248): View more from Michigan

Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.

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(360): View more from Washington

We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.

(1-360): View more from Washington

I absolutely love you.

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(317): View more from Indiana

and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way

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(804): View more from Virginia

Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.

(571): View more from Virginia

was that a mass text??

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(810): View more from Michigan

According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.

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(315): View more from New York

Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.

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(410): View more from Maryland

what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground

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(540): View more from Virginia

so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..

(1-540): View more from Virginia

What did u do?

(540): View more from Virginia

turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..

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(347): View more from New York

I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN

(347): View more from New York

I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN

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(519): View more from Ontario

her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs

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(630): View more from Illinois

He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius

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(469): View more from Texas

i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...

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(402): View more from Nebraska

lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.

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(410): View more from Maryland

He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

True romance of the 21st century.

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(850): View more from Florida

Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

And that worked?

(919): View more from North Carolina

9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.

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(571): View more from Virginia

non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?

(708): View more from Illinois

We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked

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(559): View more from California

So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?

(1-559): View more from California

That depends on who this is.

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(650): View more from California

I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

(508): View more from Massachusetts

what was i wearing?

(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing

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(440): View more from Ohio

Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

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(970): View more from Colorado

Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.

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(703): View more from Virginia

swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

(202): View more from Washington, DC

buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

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(310): View more from California

so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?

(818): View more from California

by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ

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(334): View more from Alabama

He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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(314): View more from Missouri

he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

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(302): View more from Delaware

Who goes to Church hungover

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk

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(206): View more from Washington

I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

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(513): View more from Ohio

why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position

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(310): View more from California

i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.

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(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

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(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

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(248): View more from Michigan

New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Banned from zoo.

(301): View more from Maryland

Again?

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.

(1-931): View more from Tennessee

Wtf? What happened?

(931): View more from Tennessee

Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles

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(831): View more from California

just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf

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(801): View more from Utah

You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.

(1-801): View more from Utah

There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.

(801): View more from Utah

alright see you in the morning.

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(845): View more from New York

She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"

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(619): View more from California

i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame

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(860): View more from Connecticut

you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown

(303): View more from Colorado

I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.

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(406): View more from Montana

When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.

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(315): View more from New York

idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....

(732): View more from New Jersey

This explains a lot.

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(613): View more from Ontario

you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved

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(845): View more from New York

alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually

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(720): View more from Colorado

turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?

(1-218): View more from Minnesota

Both?

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(909): View more from California

The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."

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(352): View more from Florida

I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.

(917): View more from New York City

I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.

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(915): View more from Texas

so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on

(1-915): View more from Texas

who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.

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(207): View more from Maine

It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..

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(812): View more from Indiana

Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

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(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(954): View more from Florida

you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.

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(416): View more from Ontario

Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(516): View more from New York

my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(831): View more from California

theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it

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(734): View more from Michigan

I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

(910): View more from North Carolina

IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

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(661): View more from California

the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

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(315): View more from New York

So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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(410): View more from Maryland

so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(847): View more from Illinois

so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

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(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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(514): View more from Quebec

just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(212): View more from New York

i want you now

(916): View more from California

you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

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(404): View more from Georgia

Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

Two?

(404): View more from Georgia

Two.

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