Texts From Last Night · nurselele's Favorites

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nurselele's Favorites Texts:

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"

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(586): View more from Michigan

Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.

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(517): View more from Michigan

He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.

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(443): View more from Maryland

The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?

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(253): View more from Washington

There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after

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(647): View more from Ontario

My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.

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(256): View more from Alabama

He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!

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(415): View more from California

He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands

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(406): View more from Montana

You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille

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(586): View more from Michigan

Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.

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(519): View more from Ontario

You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?

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(585): View more from New York

He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus

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(517): View more from Michigan

Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness

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(703): View more from Virginia

sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out

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(970): View more from Colorado

I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar

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(913): View more from Kansas

as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up

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(703): View more from Virginia

The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.

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(503): View more from Oregon

If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.

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(801): View more from Utah

Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think

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(305): View more from Florida

According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??

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(804): View more from Virginia

I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment

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(972): View more from Texas

I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.

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(630): View more from Illinois

did you just send me my own nude

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(931): View more from Tennessee

He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Cat or human?

(563): View more from Iowa

Human

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(219): View more from Indiana

Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.

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(917): View more from New York City

Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.

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(813): View more from Florida

He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.

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(303): View more from Colorado

My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.

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(607): View more from New York

She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam

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(863): View more from Florida

The porch is breathing.

(813): View more from Florida

STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.

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(760): View more from California

People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto

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(678): View more from Georgia

Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES

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(716): View more from New York

Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"

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(303): View more from Colorado

If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams

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(785): View more from Kansas

Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.

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(212): View more from New York

Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.

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(488): View more from

Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy

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(212): View more from New York

She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up

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(416): View more from Toronto

no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after

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(804): View more from Virginia

One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen

(1-804): View more from Virginia

summertime

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

It was so small.

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back

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(904): View more from Florida

Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.

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(740): View more from Ohio

See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want

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(989): View more from Michigan

I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?

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(630): View more from Illinois

He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.

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(707): View more from California

We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup

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(248): View more from Michigan

Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied

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(615): View more from Tennessee

To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

You have a 50 50 chance

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.

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(805): View more from California

I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.

(310): View more from California

When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways

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(989): View more from Michigan

I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.

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(216): View more from Ohio

if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid

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(770): View more from Georgia

Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.

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(571): View more from Virginia

I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.

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(310): View more from California

Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.

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(386): View more from Florida

And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.

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(772): View more from Florida

22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days

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(317): View more from Indiana

He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??

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(509): View more from Washington

well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend

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(903): View more from Texas

The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night

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(702): View more from Nevada

In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.

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(678): View more from Georgia

If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is

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(802): View more from Vermont

Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist

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(407): View more from Florida

For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.

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(602): View more from Arizona

It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses

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(406): View more from Montana

I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.

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(407): View more from Florida

It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird

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(630): View more from Illinois

His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.

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(940): View more from Texas

Did you leave ur panties in the sink?

(214): View more from Texas

Kitchen or bathroom?

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(867): View more from Yukon/N.W.Territory

Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?

(1-867): View more from Yukon/N.W.Territory

Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you

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(607): View more from New York

His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos

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(915): View more from Texas

He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

What happened to fro yo and sex?

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(726): View more from

Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.

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(818): View more from California

I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.

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(925): View more from California

I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...

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(210): View more from Texas

It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex

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(310): View more from California

NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT

(310): View more from California

NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS

(310): View more from California

NOTHING

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(206): View more from Washington

You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.

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(214): View more from Texas

BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.

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(416): View more from Toronto

This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.

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(636): View more from Missouri

She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!

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(330): View more from Ohio

This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself

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(212): View more from New York

He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.

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(734): View more from Michigan

If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear

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(727): View more from Florida

My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".

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(775): View more from Nevada

He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?

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(404): View more from Georgia

I think you just miss his friendship.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.

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(408): View more from California

If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed

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(773): View more from Illinois

you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.

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(251): View more from Alabama

So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.

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(845): View more from New York

Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.

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(530): View more from California

Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering

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(317): View more from Indiana

Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed

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(520): View more from Arizona

Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples

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(217): View more from Illinois

Do one night stands count towards my number?

(516): View more from New York

Yes. A penis is a penis

(217): View more from Illinois

Even bad ones?

(516): View more from New York

YES.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Didn't you used to babysit him?

(607): View more from New York

18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.

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(425): View more from Washington

I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."

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(310): View more from California

You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.

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(516): View more from New York

I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.

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(408): View more from California

I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW

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(616): View more from Michigan

The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.

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(727): View more from Florida

We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf

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(602): View more from Arizona

So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.

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(315): View more from New York

we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.

(224): View more from Illinois

That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night

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(763): View more from Minnesota

No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested

(612): View more from Minnesota

Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.

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(574): View more from Indiana

I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.

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(543): View more from

So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?

(256): View more from Alabama

Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.

(543): View more from

You are an idiot.

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(937): View more from Ohio

He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling

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(501): View more from Arkansas

When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.

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(360): View more from Washington

Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.

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(315): View more from New York

Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.

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(425): View more from Washington

I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.

(503): View more from Oregon

......how on earth do you do that?

(425): View more from Washington

NINJAAAA

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(347): View more from New York

It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her

(718): View more from New York

What is this high school

(347): View more from New York

There was a lot of catching up to do bro

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(214): View more from Texas

As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?

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(209): View more from California

Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?

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(970): View more from Colorado

The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.

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(650): View more from California

He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.

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(314): View more from Missouri

When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

Did you win?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.

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(323): View more from California

She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.

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(602): View more from Arizona

If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive

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(630): View more from Illinois

the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm

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(571): View more from Virginia

I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.

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(330): View more from Ohio

We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.

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(602): View more from Arizona

you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"

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(208): View more from Idaho

Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.

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(207): View more from Maine

i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.

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(480): View more from Arizona

He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?

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(404): View more from Georgia

All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready

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(647): View more from Ontario

I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.

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(407): View more from Florida

If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch

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(520): View more from Arizona

WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s

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(530): View more from California

Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.

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(313): View more from Michigan

He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album

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(708): View more from Illinois

I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle

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(440): View more from Ohio

im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"

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(518): View more from New York

My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray

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(585): View more from New York

When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.

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(905): View more from Ontario

downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE

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(516): View more from New York

He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?

(1-802): View more from Vermont

Why do you think I have a job?

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(406): View more from Montana

Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.

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(416): View more from Toronto

what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.

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(315): View more from New York

i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters

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(406): View more from Montana

I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad

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(714): View more from California

I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?

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(440): View more from Ohio

he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.

(440): View more from Ohio

he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.

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(775): View more from Nevada

All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting

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(631): View more from New York

I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck

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(360): View more from Washington

Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.

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(845): View more from New York

I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.

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(805): View more from California

I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water

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(330): View more from Ohio

Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could

(1306): View more from

well, that escalated quicky

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.

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(903): View more from Texas

He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?

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(601): View more from Mississippi

My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.

(1-601): View more from Mississippi

Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.

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(425): View more from Washington

So what are you going to be for halloween?

(503): View more from Oregon

A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights

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(407): View more from Florida

What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.

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(970): View more from Colorado

It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...

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(630): View more from Illinois

At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"

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(404): View more from Georgia

Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me

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(970): View more from Colorado

You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed

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(410): View more from Maryland

For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"

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(713): View more from Texas

I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick

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(775): View more from Nevada

All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.

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(408): View more from California

I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.

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(904): View more from Florida

I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.

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(573): View more from Missouri

She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.

(703): View more from Virginia

But doesn't your shift end at like noon?

(540): View more from Virginia

I don't think you understand.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...

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(661): View more from California

He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call

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(716): View more from New York

Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex

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(541): View more from Oregon

His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?

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(646): View more from New York

Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?

(1-541): View more from Oregon

I was just power-washing my vagina.

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(352): View more from Florida

He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun

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(317): View more from Indiana

Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport

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(201): View more from New Jersey

If you need anything just hit me up

(845): View more from New York

Pancakes

(201): View more from New Jersey

Noted.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face

(1-312): View more from Illinois

he seemed brazillian..

(312): View more from Illinois

fuck.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"

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(406): View more from Montana

She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"

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(314): View more from Missouri

He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.

(1-314): View more from Missouri

So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.

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(281): View more from Texas

Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.

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(925): View more from California

Where did you go?

(1-925): View more from California

I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?

(1-775): View more from Nevada

Maybe for her....

(775): View more from Nevada

Her problem, not mine

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(513): View more from Ohio

My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.

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(574): View more from Indiana

I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??

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(206): View more from Washington

I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.

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(714): View more from California

I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)

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(989): View more from Michigan

I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"

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(941): View more from Florida

She looks like a beluga.

(954): View more from Florida

I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.

(985): View more from Louisiana

Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.

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(718): View more from New York

He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina

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(847): View more from Illinois

How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.

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(616): View more from Michigan

do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.

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(661): View more from California

Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.

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(360): View more from Washington

Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?

(1-360): View more from Washington

I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.

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(585): View more from New York

let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious

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(971): View more from Oregon

Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account

(971): View more from Oregon

It could happen to you too!

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(206): View more from Washington

sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?

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(440): View more from Ohio

Since when do you jog?

(1-440): View more from Ohio

Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs

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(513): View more from Ohio

The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.

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(713): View more from Texas

So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.

(936): View more from Texas

I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.

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(347): View more from New York

in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!

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(905): View more from Ontario

So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.

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(587): View more from Alberta

You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later

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(970): View more from Colorado

Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.

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(817): View more from Texas

Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.

(817): View more from Texas

Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".

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(801): View more from Utah

It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...

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(334): View more from Alabama

You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.

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(770): View more from Georgia

The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex

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(605): View more from South Dakota

it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps

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(914): View more from New York

Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.

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(206): View more from Washington

Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?

(360): View more from Washington

What are you gonna do about it?

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(334): View more from Alabama

That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.

(678): View more from Georgia

Good point.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.

(469): View more from Texas

I have the flu.

(214): View more from Texas

I don't give a shit

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(404): View more from Georgia

Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.

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(613): View more from Ontario

You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

.,.,you might have to leave

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(305): View more from Florida

I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.

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(616): View more from Michigan

MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!

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(989): View more from Michigan

We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.

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(703): View more from Virginia

WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'

(661): View more from California

The cougar kind?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

I almost fell asleep reading that.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

I almost fell asleep fucking it.

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(415): View more from California

If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning

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(423): View more from Tennessee

In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!

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(469): View more from Texas

He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.

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(729): View more from

Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.

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(205): View more from Alabama

There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore

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(541): View more from Oregon

I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?

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(818): View more from California

Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.

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(954): View more from Florida

When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.

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(775): View more from Nevada

She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Happy you have kids and I don't day!

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(850): View more from Florida

We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.

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(585): View more from New York

I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.

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(+33): View more from France

He asked me how france is treating me

(312): View more from Illinois

Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away

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(425): View more from Washington

So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?

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(305): View more from Florida

He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.

(1-305): View more from Florida

Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches

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(571): View more from Virginia

I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

Next. Level. Shit.

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(714): View more from California

I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?

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(347): View more from New York

My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted

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(310): View more from California

I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...

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(314): View more from Missouri

Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?

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(707): View more from California

Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..

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(201): View more from New Jersey

There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.

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(706): View more from Georgia

All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.

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(415): View more from California

Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?

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(+46): View more from Sweden

Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving

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(971): View more from Oregon

you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON

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(760): View more from California

Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.

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(971): View more from Oregon

I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.

(509): View more from Washington

you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left

(971): View more from Oregon

goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan

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(+61): View more from Australia

You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.

(1+61): View more from

Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.

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(847): View more from Illinois

My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.

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(415): View more from California

I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week

(1-415): View more from California

I don't deserve you.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.

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(801): View more from Utah

I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower

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(573): View more from Missouri

Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?

(816): View more from Missouri

Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING

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(423): View more from Tennessee

hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.

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(314): View more from Missouri

struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.

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(323): View more from California

Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not

(818): View more from California

Stop it right now

(323): View more from California

This time face forward

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(801): View more from Utah

Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.

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(469): View more from Texas

So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.

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(727): View more from Florida

No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.

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(425): View more from Washington

My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.

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(740): View more from Ohio

my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home

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(334): View more from Alabama

As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.

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(716): View more from New York

I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad

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(828): View more from North Carolina

While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee

(1-828): View more from North Carolina

You were drinking Everclear weren't you?

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(509): View more from Washington

btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...

(480): View more from Arizona

gifts from me to you. you're welcome.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now

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(925): View more from California

I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy

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(651): View more from Minnesota

My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means

(651): View more from Minnesota

ITS ORAL SEX CAROL

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(651): View more from Minnesota

We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.

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(917): View more from New York City

Yea we just broke up

(914): View more from New York

so do we start sexting now or later?

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(646): View more from New York

Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable

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(860): View more from Connecticut

he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.

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(310): View more from California

When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face

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(216): View more from Ohio

I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.

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(518): View more from New York

Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about

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(440): View more from Ohio

Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!

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(216): View more from Ohio

My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.

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(903): View more from Texas

Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.

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(586): View more from Michigan

He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.

(248): View more from Michigan

Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.

(1-785): View more from Kansas

The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...

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(425): View more from Washington

THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!

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(813): View more from Florida

He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm

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(909): View more from California

omg i wish you could see the front of my car.

(909): View more from California

There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.

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(706): View more from Georgia

We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday

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(248): View more from Michigan

It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.

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(650): View more from California

Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?

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(312): View more from Illinois

he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I thought you wanted to talk?

(908): View more from New Jersey

What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?

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(734): View more from Michigan

all my money is vodka money

(1-734): View more from Michigan

I have never read a truer sentence.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..

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(517): View more from Michigan

There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom

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(801): View more from Utah

If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.

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(440): View more from Ohio

My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.

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(779): View more from Illinois

I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs

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(734): View more from Michigan

If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do

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(901): View more from Tennessee

The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella

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(416): View more from Toronto

How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?

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(550): View more from

I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.

(864): View more from South Carolina

I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.

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(239): View more from Florida

And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok

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(518): View more from New York

That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.

(315): View more from New York

Who is this?!????

(518): View more from New York

That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.

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(660): View more from Missouri

hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?

(816): View more from Missouri

yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident

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(319): View more from Iowa

"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.

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(541): View more from Oregon

What should I say back?

(1-541): View more from Oregon

Well, how do you want the conversation to go?

(541): View more from Oregon

Straight into my pants.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.

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(747): View more from California

That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.

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(516): View more from New York

Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.

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(805): View more from California

It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!

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(503): View more from Oregon

You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free

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(719): View more from Colorado

I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen

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(203): View more from Connecticut

They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.

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(616): View more from Michigan

time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?

(1-616): View more from Michigan

we need a secret handshake

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(248): View more from Michigan

Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

How's dating the med student working out for you?

(715): View more from Wisconsin

After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.

(414): View more from Wisconsin

A true anatomy project.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.

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(319): View more from Iowa

"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell

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(714): View more from California

Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.

(951): View more from California

Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.

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(954): View more from Florida

You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me

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(316): View more from Kansas

She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.

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(626): View more from California

Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why

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(818): View more from California

We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.

(619): View more from California

I will find you...

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(431): View more from

Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.

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(805): View more from California

Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.

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(334): View more from Alabama

OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS

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(928): View more from Arizona

Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.

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(512): View more from Texas

You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."

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(352): View more from Florida

a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?

(1-304): View more from West Virginia

Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"

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(512): View more from Texas

my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear

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(360): View more from Washington

I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.

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(226): View more from Ontario

I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater

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(701): View more from North Dakota

You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me

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(541): View more from Oregon

If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?

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(480): View more from Arizona

So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.

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(514): View more from Quebec

He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.

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(+47): View more from Norway

You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me

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(708): View more from Illinois

Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.

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(512): View more from Texas

I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?

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(734): View more from Michigan

But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless

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(810): View more from Michigan

So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.

(810): View more from Michigan

They're like sad pomegranates.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON

(908): View more from New Jersey

Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise

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(248): View more from Michigan

They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients

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(602): View more from Arizona

Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend

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(706): View more from Georgia

He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.

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(740): View more from Ohio

No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick

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(928): View more from Arizona

It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".

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(646): View more from New York

Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name

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(860): View more from Connecticut

It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time

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(706): View more from Georgia

He could stay over, if you'd just ask.

(912): View more from Georgia

Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"

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(618): View more from Illinois

Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question

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(937): View more from Ohio

Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.

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(303): View more from Colorado

My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

That is awesome that you did that.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

I thank god almighty everyday

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(330): View more from Ohio

Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway

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(949): View more from California

Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut

(714): View more from California

I think mark twain said that originally

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(562): View more from California

It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?

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(315): View more from New York

Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart

(763): View more from Minnesota

Die.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.

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(972): View more from Texas

Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT

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(720): View more from Colorado

We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I think we have a problem.

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(727): View more from Florida

This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.

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(916): View more from California

Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.

(1-916): View more from California

Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.

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(619): View more from California

The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it

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(408): View more from California

We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...

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(44): View more from United Kingdom

I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.

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(817): View more from Texas

Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex

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(386): View more from Florida

I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."

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(651): View more from Minnesota

First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.

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(214): View more from Texas

Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea

(214): View more from Texas

WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat

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(216): View more from Ohio

I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex

(216): View more from Ohio

Never mind I found pizza just bring sex

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(520): View more from Arizona

Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.

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(940): View more from Texas

No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.

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(816): View more from Missouri

God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!

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(541): View more from Oregon

After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)

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(917): View more from New York City

Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms

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(949): View more from California

We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"

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(219): View more from Indiana

Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?

(219): View more from Indiana

Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.

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(619): View more from California

I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix

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(289): View more from Ontario

Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.

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(818): View more from California

The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.

(304): View more from West Virginia

Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?

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(916): View more from California

I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake

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(516): View more from New York

Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.

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(360): View more from Washington

ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.

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(530): View more from California

When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.

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(815): View more from Illinois

YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.

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(925): View more from California

I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.

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(515): View more from Iowa

You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.

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(614): View more from Ohio

My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.

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(519): View more from Ontario

sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?

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(678): View more from Georgia

It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.

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(813): View more from Florida

IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.

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(845): View more from New York

YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE

(1-914): View more from New York

YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.

(845): View more from New York

I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER

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(520): View more from Arizona

Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?

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(518): View more from New York

The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.

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(940): View more from Texas

I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.

(254): View more from Texas

It's 2 pm....

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(443): View more from Maryland

She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.

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(813): View more from Florida

And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.

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(765): View more from Indiana

He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.

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(518): View more from New York

You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.

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(415): View more from California

Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.

(905): View more from Ontario

Fuhga

(250): View more from British Columbia

Thank you.

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(404): View more from Georgia

After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"

(404): View more from Georgia

I come from her. Holy hell.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration

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(716): View more from New York

I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

We can Fuck in the shower to save time

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.

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(513): View more from Ohio

If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.

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(303): View more from Colorado

We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options

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(812): View more from Indiana

I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.

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(917): View more from New York City

Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.

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(909): View more from California

I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.

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(954): View more from Florida

I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window

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(309): View more from Illinois

I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked

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(860): View more from Connecticut

next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous

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(647): View more from Ontario

I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!

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(586): View more from Michigan

I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you

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(541): View more from Oregon

So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.

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(515): View more from Iowa

i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy

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(585): View more from New York

WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!

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(602): View more from Arizona

Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.

(316): View more from Kansas

That's the best creepy text ever.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?

(701): View more from North Dakota

In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.

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(240): View more from Maryland

If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters

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(312): View more from Illinois

We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

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(712): View more from Iowa

I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave

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(251): View more from Alabama

You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.

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(916): View more from California

I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?

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(619): View more from California

I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.

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(410): View more from Maryland

We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?

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(863): View more from Florida

Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?

(416): View more from Toronto

I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.

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(660): View more from Missouri

On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.

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(914): View more from New York

Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.

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(630): View more from Illinois

And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear

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(619): View more from California

I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds

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(804): View more from Virginia

If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will

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(450): View more from Quebec

If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.

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(514): View more from Quebec

So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle

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(330): View more from Ohio

GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.

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(845): View more from New York

The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it

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(303): View more from Colorado

how did operation slutty penguin go?

(619): View more from California

pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter

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(602): View more from Arizona

I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.

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(410): View more from Maryland

So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity

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(708): View more from Illinois

That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device

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(406): View more from Montana

Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.

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(209): View more from California

I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.

(209): View more from California

Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.

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(607): View more from New York

I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...

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(660): View more from Missouri

People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic

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(817): View more from Texas

I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care

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(309): View more from Illinois

But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.

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(905): View more from Ontario

And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.

(502): View more from Kentucky

Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!

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(907): View more from Alaska

I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

10 points to you

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(631): View more from New York

Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"

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(219): View more from Indiana

Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.

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(954): View more from Florida

Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"

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(616): View more from Michigan

Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?

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(631): View more from New York

I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.

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(315): View more from New York

That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"

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(+45): View more from Denmark

I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.

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(310): View more from California

I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.

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(301): View more from Maryland

This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.

(615): View more from Tennessee

My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door

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(845): View more from New York

It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.

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(614): View more from Ohio

The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body

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(773): View more from Illinois

You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.

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(813): View more from Florida

Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.

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(678): View more from Georgia

It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.

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(563): View more from Iowa

My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.

(1-563): View more from Iowa

I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob

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(631): View more from New York

She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck

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(775): View more from Nevada

Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha

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(443): View more from Maryland

Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long

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(647): View more from Ontario

Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...

(732): View more from New Jersey

I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable

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(940): View more from Texas

Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago

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(206): View more from Washington

I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.

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(530): View more from California

Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Congratulations on your lack of fetus.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5

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(916): View more from California

I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want

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(231): View more from Michigan

FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today

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(360): View more from Washington

that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...

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(231): View more from Michigan

if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid

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(773): View more from Illinois

Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.

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(406): View more from Montana

He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.

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(417): View more from Missouri

New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.

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(410): View more from Maryland

What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?

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(727): View more from Florida

Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.

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(914): View more from New York

He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.

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(813): View more from Florida

You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him

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(601): View more from Mississippi

He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.

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(573): View more from Missouri

She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.

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(541): View more from Oregon

You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!

(503): View more from Oregon

... That's a shower caddy.

(541): View more from Oregon

I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.

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(813): View more from Florida

This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.

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(619): View more from California

Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"

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(858): View more from California

I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.

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(251): View more from Alabama

How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.

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(970): View more from Colorado

He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.

(303): View more from Colorado

Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.

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(817): View more from Texas

We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden

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(440): View more from Ohio

It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina

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(432): View more from Texas

dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"

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(512): View more from Texas

My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"

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(602): View more from Arizona

It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Love me.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just for one nugget?

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.

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(760): View more from California

The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND

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(231): View more from Michigan

Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen

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(208): View more from Idaho

well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

Am I going to be on condom boxes?

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(416): View more from Toronto

I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.

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(420): View more from

Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.

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(810): View more from Michigan

He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.

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(519): View more from Ontario

All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?

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(240): View more from Maryland

the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.

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(817): View more from Texas

Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend

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(631): View more from New York

I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"

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(815): View more from Illinois

I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.

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(925): View more from California

crossed #23 off the Slucket List!

(1-925): View more from California

YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.

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(416): View more from Toronto

He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK

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(816): View more from Missouri

So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.

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(276): View more from Virginia

They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?

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(240): View more from Maryland

Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"

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(303): View more from Colorado

I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose

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(949): View more from California

Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.

(949): View more from California

I felt like a god.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.

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(319): View more from Iowa

I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

what type of emt are you

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...

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(718): View more from New York

Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.

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(352): View more from Florida

Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.

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(325): View more from Texas

Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.

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(951): View more from California

You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.

(1-951): View more from California

This is the first time I'm hearing this information.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.

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(516): View more from New York

I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me

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(760): View more from California

Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that

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(613): View more from Ontario

You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".

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(406): View more from Montana

I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.

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(512): View more from Texas

I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

Sunday is the day of rest.

(857): View more from Massachusetts

As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.

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(352): View more from Florida

All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."

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(512): View more from Texas

I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?

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(818): View more from California

I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle

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(804): View more from Virginia

I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.

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(530): View more from California

red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.

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(636): View more from Missouri

it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.

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(906): View more from Michigan

I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO

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(678): View more from Georgia

I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs

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(765): View more from Indiana

Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.

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(970): View more from Colorado

They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(

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(702): View more from Nevada

Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems

(702): View more from Nevada

I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.

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(616): View more from Michigan

But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"

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(206): View more from Washington

when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.

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(807): View more from Ontario

It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.

(1-778): View more from British Columbia

You fool.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado

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(804): View more from Virginia

Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Cute underage boy is in my house.

(410): View more from Maryland

OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.

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(706): View more from Georgia

The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.

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(613): View more from Ontario

It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'

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(760): View more from California

No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!

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(307): View more from Wyoming

just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.

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(951): View more from California

diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..

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(916): View more from California

I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.

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(206): View more from Washington

It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!

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(+97): View more from

Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.

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(315): View more from New York

A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos

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(519): View more from Ontario

My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now

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(347): View more from New York

The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though

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(281): View more from Texas

Dinner?

(713): View more from Texas

YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!

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(970): View more from Colorado

I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out

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(404): View more from Georgia

Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.

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(571): View more from Virginia

The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or

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(512): View more from Texas

He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game

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(616): View more from Michigan

I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."

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(206): View more from Washington

He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.

(415): View more from California

Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese

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(785): View more from Kansas

The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?

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(815): View more from Illinois

I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex

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(206): View more from Washington

Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.

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(253): View more from Washington

I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.

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(207): View more from Maine

Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.

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(716): View more from New York

this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon

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(510): View more from California

It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.

(1-510): View more from California

First world problems?

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(970): View more from Colorado

Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis

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(951): View more from California

I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.

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(352): View more from Florida

Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.

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(785): View more from Kansas

im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.

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(440): View more from Ohio

That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"

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(904): View more from Florida

I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am

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(415): View more from California

I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.

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(719): View more from Colorado

He's a Shit stain on my heart

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(360): View more from Washington

Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?

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(313): View more from Michigan

When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me

(970): View more from Colorado

Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die

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(260): View more from Indiana

One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Life is too short to have fake orgasms.

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(310): View more from California

I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...

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(703): View more from Virginia

I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge

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(602): View more from Arizona

Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor

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(416): View more from Toronto

I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises

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(843): View more from South Carolina

What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.

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(779): View more from Illinois

I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.

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(303): View more from Colorado

The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage

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(207): View more from Maine

Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.

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(541): View more from Oregon

So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"

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(607): View more from New York

Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.

(426): View more from

So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.

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(520): View more from Arizona

This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.

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(248): View more from Michigan

We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.

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(301): View more from Maryland

FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.

(727): View more from Florida

MAS TEQUILA.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.

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(928): View more from Arizona

So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.

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(515): View more from Iowa

We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?

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(712): View more from Iowa

Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.

(1-440): View more from Ohio

That's better than I've done so far.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"

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(432): View more from Texas

Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter

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(613): View more from Ontario

She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"

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(720): View more from Colorado

So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."

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(647): View more from Ontario

I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.

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(386): View more from Florida

I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.

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(541): View more from Oregon

It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.

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(904): View more from Florida

He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.

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(443): View more from Maryland

No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.

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(334): View more from Alabama

You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.

(205): View more from Alabama

Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.

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(914): View more from New York

I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj

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(519): View more from Ontario

Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"

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(650): View more from California

sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else

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(352): View more from Florida

I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...

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(310): View more from California

I'm so sick

(323): View more from California

I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.

(310): View more from California

That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..

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(904): View more from Florida

The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?

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(716): View more from New York

Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?

(585): View more from New York

Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.

(716): View more from New York

.......

(585): View more from New York

I'm just looking out for you.

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(845): View more from New York

I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.

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(614): View more from Ohio

The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the evidence from last night is not good...

(904): View more from Florida

what evidence?

(843): View more from South Carolina

my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...

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(229): View more from Georgia

He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.

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(518): View more from New York

He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw

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(210): View more from Texas

I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.

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(213): View more from California

Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.

(1-213): View more from California

best text I've received ever.

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(224): View more from Illinois

This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.

(309): View more from Illinois

Too low?

(224): View more from Illinois

Yes.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.

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(205): View more from Alabama

...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.

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(214): View more from Texas

Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that

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(703): View more from Virginia

i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.

(303): View more from Colorado

well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you

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(443): View more from Maryland

I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"

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(847): View more from Illinois

I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day

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(206): View more from Washington

I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.

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(863): View more from Florida

I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule

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(937): View more from Ohio

My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.

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(214): View more from Texas

A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Ask politely.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Thats good enough.

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(954): View more from Florida

These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.

(1-954): View more from Florida

Marco

(954): View more from Florida

Polo

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?

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(909): View more from California

So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment

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(419): View more from Ohio

Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?

(1-419): View more from Ohio

Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.

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(517): View more from Michigan

my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.

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(251): View more from Alabama

I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.

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(407): View more from Florida

Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.

(908): View more from New Jersey

Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.

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(817): View more from Texas

It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.

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(707): View more from California

You rang?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick

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(972): View more from Texas

so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.

(214): View more from Texas

so how much did i say i owed you?

(972): View more from Texas

$5 and a new fuck buddy.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"

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(818): View more from California

I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.

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(315): View more from New York

Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench

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(702): View more from Nevada

im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?

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(757): View more from Virginia

I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?

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(619): View more from California

I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.

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(951): View more from California

Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.

(951): View more from California

Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji

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(+61): View more from Australia

The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.

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(206): View more from Washington

I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2

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(330): View more from Ohio

OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan

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(972): View more from Texas

I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?

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(720): View more from Colorado

I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.

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(972): View more from Texas

we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry

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(517): View more from Michigan

I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends

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(563): View more from Iowa

i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.

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(302): View more from Delaware

are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life

(860): View more from Connecticut

.....a litte

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(201): View more from New Jersey

A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.

(615): View more from Tennessee

Like handprints on my lower back...

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"

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(631): View more from New York

But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND

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(416): View more from Toronto

Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear

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(805): View more from California

OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.

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(805): View more from California

So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka

(1-805): View more from California

Sweet. Did I win?

(805): View more from California

Youre hungover arent you?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.

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(949): View more from California

Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?

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(407): View more from Florida

That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.

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(850): View more from Florida

Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??

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(630): View more from Illinois

Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...

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(207): View more from Maine

Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.

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(512): View more from Texas

Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.

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(813): View more from Florida

Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult

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(647): View more from Ontario

The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.

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(516): View more from New York

Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign

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(815): View more from Illinois

I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?

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(440): View more from Ohio

I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"

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(317): View more from Indiana

I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket

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(503): View more from Oregon

ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking

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(407): View more from Florida

Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!

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(602): View more from Arizona

Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day

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(907): View more from Alaska

This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

How bad is the voicemail?

(1-864): View more from South Carolina

You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.

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(740): View more from Ohio

do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.

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(972): View more from Texas

You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.

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(602): View more from Arizona

hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse

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(302): View more from Delaware

Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here

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