Texts From Last Night · whitneykaye's Favorites

Sorry denpoppin hasn't picked any favorites yet.

whitneykaye's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(408): View more from California

every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.

Fav 10 3228 1168
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.

Fav 33 9233 1482
share tweet

(734): View more from Michigan

debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.

Fav 22 1303 4303
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.

Fav 11 7928 1589
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.

Fav 55 1352 4037
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.

Fav 13 9159 1468
share tweet

(402): View more from Nebraska

lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.

Fav 105 13626 2014
share tweet

(202): View more from Washington, DC

if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.

Fav 2 1113 1045
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker

Fav 25 6799 1261
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.

Fav 38 2143 4481
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.

Fav 42 6274 859
share tweet

(631): View more from New York

well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore

Fav 10 4802 1685
share tweet

(303): View more from Colorado

you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you

Fav 15 5773 1457
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.

Fav 12 5506 2121
share tweet

(101): View more from

Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?

Fav 23 3503 939
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem

(914): View more from New York

Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.

Fav 53 7812 2823
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..

Fav 37 7704 2475
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

Fav 62 20367 2184
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?

Fav 8 5825 1505
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.

Fav 29 5562 975
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff

Fav 83 12668 1742
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

K. On the way. I need a drink.

(904): View more from Florida

Like a drink drink or like water?

(601): View more from Mississippi

Have we met?

Fav 10 6672 1375
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.

Fav 33 4472 1240
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "

Fav 40 10296 1539
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to

(1-845): View more from New York

i wanted you to too

Fav 15 1151 1718
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...

Fav 23 1438 6988
share tweet
(650): View more from California

after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you

Fav 38 10286 1062
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy

Fav 15 4043 1043
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.

Fav 36 8704 1647
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy

Fav 18 1499 2474
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

Fav 91 22471 3685
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.

Fav 9 1976 5125
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.

Fav 18 7047 1558
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril

Fav 21 5523 1359
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.

Fav 11 812 2212
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

What are you wearing to our high school reunion?

(678): View more from Georgia

I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"

Fav 27 4753 809
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition

Fav 15 1113 5327
share tweet
(408): View more from California

if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place

Fav 33 6383 1724
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night

(1-940): View more from Texas

I don't have a cat..?

(940): View more from Texas

Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.

Fav 13 1887 5601
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Little spoons don't ask big questions

Fav 18 4752 1148
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food

Fav 121 7957 2000
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.

Fav 38 8361 1416
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.

Fav 9 6972 1484
share tweet
(707): View more from California

My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.

Fav 16 3651 840
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?

Fav 26 1572 6311
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came

Fav 40 3077 6969
share tweet
(905): View more from Toronto

No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags

Fav 24 1977 4355
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.

Fav 63 7387 1210
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.

Fav 12 3987 2026
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd

Fav 39 1187 5552
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake

Fav 42 9235 1807
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."

Fav 11 1809 4666
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"

Fav 12 7425 1498
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack

Fav 14 1827 3503
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.

Fav 27 1328 6386
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

(828): View more from North Carolina

Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

(864): View more from South Carolina

Previous statement retracted.

Fav 46 14035 1760
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Her name starts with A and ends with whore.

Fav 12 1865 3909
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

Fav 42 28637 1531
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning

(1-253): View more from Washington

because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'

(253): View more from Washington

no more ever clear

Fav 33 7791 1422
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.

Fav 15 1483 3134
share tweet
(626): View more from California

Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.

Fav 7 4509 1911
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.

Fav 37 4306 896
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.

Fav 19 5152 1652
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.

Fav 39 2228 5815
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

dude how high are you right now?

(256): View more from Alabama

do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

Fav 41 12269 1783
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.

Fav 59 5553 5150
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

How am I a tease?

(1-813): View more from Florida

Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.

(813): View more from Florida

ONLY PART OF IT.

Fav 45 8799 2022
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.

Fav 27 6777 1142
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.

Fav 20 1542 8909
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.

Fav 2 1137 4048
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.

Fav 25 11942 1623
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"

Fav 38 7297 1536
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

Fav 48 13249 2053
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.

(517): View more from Michigan

Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.

Fav 49 6705 1912
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle

(859): View more from Kentucky

Guys should not giggle. Ever.

Fav 22 3363 1004
share tweet
(+44): View more from England

mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.

(+44): View more from England

"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"

Fav 32 4743 1743
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.

Fav 14 1806 6054
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow

Fav 10 1977 4548
share tweet
(786): View more from Florida

I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.

Fav 58 1527 7581
share tweet
(949): View more from California

I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage

Fav 45 4137 1010
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.

Fav 18 2326 6637
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism

Fav 12 1026 2866
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Hannah Montana > iCarly

(309): View more from Illinois

I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely

Fav 49 1656 5512
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.

Fav 18 1133 4952
share tweet
(943): View more from

You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka

Fav 10 5729 1120
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

Fav 58 15474 2162
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.

Fav 5 4962 1021
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

what if I'm pregnant?

(848): View more from New Jersey

smusmorshion

Fav 103 2371 3362
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.

Fav 117 4856 1911
share tweet
(415): View more from California

mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you

Fav 3 2792 829
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed

Fav 17 7241 1335
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?

Fav 6 3830 1009
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.

Fav 8 2417 992
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.

Fav 21 5852 2192
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.

Fav 35 1262 5281
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.

Fav 28 1523 6461
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.

Fav 14 4932 1964
share tweet
(530): View more from California

If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.

Fav 6 3527 852
share tweet
(478): View more from Georgia

So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking

(404): View more from Georgia

how did that work out?

(478): View more from Georgia

Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...

Fav 15 5695 2065
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter

Fav 10 4581 1513
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?

Fav 30 4148 960
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.

Fav 13 5536 1680
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.

Fav 19 5776 1296
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.

Fav 41 1738 6432
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.

Fav 10 4906 888
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.

Fav 61 19439 1817
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!

(804): View more from Virginia

a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.

(804): View more from Virginia

That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.

Fav 115 1239 3635
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart

(281): View more from Texas

What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?

(660): View more from Missouri

Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni

Fav 19 5511 1201
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.

Fav 15 6937 1464
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis

Fav 21 3473 1005
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors

Fav 25 3091 1129
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.

Fav 43 5637 1260
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike

(303): View more from Colorado

you still have morals?

(443): View more from Maryland

Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole

Fav 46 10200 1912
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store

Fav 19 5548 1417
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less

Fav 35 6663 815
share tweet
(760): View more from California

I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"

(760): View more from California

When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."

Fav 19 7317 1102
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.

Fav 17 3496 913
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number

Fav 23 1251 6234
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them

Fav 7 3269 1055
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

did i?

Fav 33 8087 1151
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.

Fav 25 2775 1153
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.

Fav 34 5546 1411
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.

Fav 67 3661 935
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.

Fav 27 8856 1633
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.

Fav 16 5195 1601
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures

Fav 39 15167 1579
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...

Fav 55 9949 1752
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.

Fav 29 6539 1496
share tweet
(559): View more from California

Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.

Fav 35 5256 2235
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape

(310): View more from California

wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?

(818): View more from California

why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES

Fav 94 1635 12768
share tweet
(760): View more from California

The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.

Fav 11 1279 6861
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with

(217): View more from Illinois

well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment

Fav 23 1845 2795
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.

Fav 52 2113 4353
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.

Fav 69 28610 1845
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.

Fav 17 1351 4079
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear

Fav 2 2168 894
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.

(770): View more from Georgia

WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!

Fav 49 1723 7464
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies

Fav 64 20234 1835
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.

Fav 10 963 3557
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"

(973): View more from New Jersey

What's this douchebags name?

(908): View more from New Jersey

Rob...

Fav 67 8123 4289
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?

Fav 4 734 2744
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

Fav 62 31766 1918
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies

(815): View more from Illinois

Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.

Fav 13 1217 2125
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM

(616): View more from Michigan

Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?

(401): View more from Rhode Island

wait... oh

Fav 9 3718 1200
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My face left an imprint in the loaf...

Fav 12 5048 1396
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.

Fav 18 4819 1347
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...

Fav 47 8652 1378
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on

Fav 24 7961 1223
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.

Fav 5 3207 680
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.

(1-304): View more from West Virginia

That wasn't intended for you, my bad.

Fav 23 6006 1763
share tweet
(276): View more from Virginia

Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face

Fav 7 4273 1153
share tweet
(805): View more from California

at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.

Fav 64 1448 3464
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.

Fav 21 5088 892
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

I should be sponsored by Trojan

Fav 15 4841 873
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks

Fav 49 4878 1588
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.

Fav 80 1004 6887
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"

Fav 9 5085 1051
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.

Fav 22 8926 1838
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.

Fav 29 1784 7328
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Call me so I can make it juicy for ya

Fav 8 1742 921
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.

Fav 85 8783 1550
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.

Fav 6 3999 1015
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

I mean not really

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.

Fav 25 3187 1062
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".

Fav 19 1252 2541
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Hello wreck, this is your train calling.

Fav 13 6066 1690
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again

Fav 15 4071 1805
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.

Fav 13 7178 1237
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

Vodka is such a love hate relationship.

(661): View more from California

Truer words have never been spoken.

Fav 21 5710 1535
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

You went to church with your boobs hanging out?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.

Fav 22 7272 1491
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

(1-440): View more from Ohio

please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

Fav 78 6903 7366
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"

Fav 7 5070 1300
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.

Fav 8 1037 1777
share tweet
(951): View more from California

My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now

Fav 13 4795 1902
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.

Fav 16 3039 1829
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong

Fav 17 5987 792
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.

Fav 41 2720 785
share tweet
(858): View more from California

My sheets look like a crime scene.

Fav 9 1128 1284
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

Dude, I think my check liver light just came on

Fav 29 8231 1683
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

Are you dead

(1-260): View more from Indiana

Yes

(260): View more from Indiana

Oh man

(1-260): View more from Indiana

Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard

Fav 7 3533 1128
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me

Fav 20 7711 1623
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.

Fav 25 12343 1123
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"

Fav 21 12025 1297
share tweet
(530): View more from California

my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...

Fav 52 2718 10606
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

How drunk are you??

(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm flawless.

Fav 8 2651 990
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.

Fav 24 8036 1437
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Fuck appropriateness.

Fav 17 6354 995
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?

Fav 59 10082 1273
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"

Fav 17 8417 2151
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I love tequila.

Fav 46 7191 1175
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.

Fav 38 12654 1612
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober

Fav 22 6320 1576
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal

Fav 19 6463 2188
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?

Fav 105 19709 2137
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

Fav 46 29492 2650
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night

Fav 43 10547 3436
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.

Fav 22 3412 1113
share tweet
(949): View more from California

I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.

Fav 24 5685 944
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"

Fav 27 2270 4311
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life

Fav 16 8077 1190
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time

(732): View more from New Jersey

no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.

Fav 23 9107 1594
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.

Fav 20 3352 1020
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?

(541): View more from Oregon

I don't know but we should still do that

Fav 20 5502 1043
share tweet
(310): View more from California

So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?

Fav 33 1213 4123
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.

Fav 15 6689 1378
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.

Fav 86 9707 4846
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.

Fav 51 5141 823
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it

Fav 3 979 1219
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu

(781): View more from Massachusetts

So you're taking me there this weekend?

(508): View more from Massachusetts

oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.

Fav 35 7960 1471
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.

Fav 62 6516 1401
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?

Fav 41 7172 960
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.

Fav 45 5158 1379
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.

Fav 56 6772 1566
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino

Fav 8 953 3280
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.

Fav 20 10782 1427
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.

Fav 44 6450 1077
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens

Fav 19 6047 939
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.

Fav 28 1631 5418
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin

(954): View more from Florida

Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language

Fav 34 1385 5367
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.

Fav 15 5920 2117
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.

Fav 27 1583 6492
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.

Fav 22 6751 870
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.

Fav 23 6683 908
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it

Fav 11 5701 934
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.

Fav 1 2311 976
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.

Fav 21 6564 1023
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

What should our trivia night team be named?

(925): View more from California

Define Statutory

Fav 27 5033 1054
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.

Fav 23 1845 5198
share tweet
(320): View more from Minnesota

im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...

Fav 14 6037 1176
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.

Fav 14 5274 1033
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"

Fav 27 1356 5387
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.

Fav 21 6428 1303
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out

Fav 13 9111 1497
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.

Fav 18 7084 2255
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad

Fav 21 1834 1126
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota

Fav 67 2381 1031
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.

Fav 14 9862 1070
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Why am I in a dog kennel?

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

It was for your own safety

Fav 27 13678 1979
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

i think i left my bra at your place

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.

Fav 22 11228 1446
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.

Fav 15 5756 953
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.

(970): View more from Colorado

Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.

Fav 18 1546 2096
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

Fav 44 17663 1752
share tweet
(559): View more from California

Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs

Fav 18 2935 806
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg

Fav 15 1711 4407
share tweet
(650): View more from California

Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah

Fav 2 1987 1028
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

Fav 176 53656 6695
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

Fav 46 21536 1606
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis

Fav 64 8356 1123
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.

Fav 50 7156 1097
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Four. Poor grandma...

Fav 15 1655 6037
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...

Fav 11 3857 909
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document

Fav 49 1544 6432
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

(404): View more from Georgia

You mean bread?

Fav 60 17840 1912
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.

(1-781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.

Fav 19 6470 967
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

Fav 185 53791 3106
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.

Fav 19 1634 6575
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"

Fav 22 6467 1192
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I think my vagina is haunted

Fav 26 1178 3554
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.

(416): View more from Toronto

Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!

Fav 40 10891 1672
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you

Fav 21 1330 4761
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.

(401): View more from Rhode Island

I don't want you to recite the pledge!

(631): View more from New York

Pledge alligien to america to united states of america

Fav 20 3980 1162
share tweet
(408): View more from California

I think I just got seasick

(409): View more from Texas

you're not on a boat

(408): View more from California

he has a waterbed.

Fav 7 1726 878
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns

Fav 17 1867 6007
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood

Fav 22 5560 1913
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.

Fav 27 6247 1305
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick

Fav 28 1432 9282
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.

Fav 25 8793 1705
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.

Fav 34 2731 3147
share tweet
(619): View more from California

You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.

Fav 18 5624 1401
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.

Fav 22 7710 1695
share tweet
(858): View more from California

Life is so much better after having sex.

Fav 39 11643 1050
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

fair is fair

Fav 21 6456 1434
share tweet
(818): View more from California

you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me

Fav 28 12159 1596
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?

(1-812): View more from Indiana

You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?

Fav 15 7758 1303
share tweet
(916): View more from California

Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.

Fav 17 1508 3779
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.

Fav 19 1477 6874
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.

Fav 17 7519 1409
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.

Fav 16 6289 1359
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk

Fav 7 4747 1690
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.

Fav 32 4506 1709
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.

Fav 13 4043 1533
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life

Fav 13 4022 1462
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire

Fav 10 5423 1993
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.

Fav 10 1345 5048
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.

Fav 16 3517 1474
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this

Fav 8 2742 1033
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

what happened last night?

(917): View more from New York City

u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style

(718): View more from New York

that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left

Fav 39 14865 1539
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.

Fav 14 5108 958
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.

Fav 37 7009 920
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,

Fav 14 5390 1095
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though

Fav 19 6358 1403
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.

Fav 6 2572 1004
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.

Fav 58 2047 15107
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.

Fav 20 6606 1695
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.

Fav 13 9124 1339
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week

Fav 26 6929 1475
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career

Fav 18 1678 3703
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.

Fav 16 6134 1355
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.

Fav 9 4419 1224
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.

Fav 13 5208 1875
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.

(937): View more from Ohio

He had some in his pocket. That was weird.

Fav 27 1336 5473
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.

(407): View more from Florida

Its part of my fall instant classic line.

Fav 13 3796 927
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.

Fav 13 6565 2013
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

Fav 140 40100 2218
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.

Fav 75 14750 2282
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell

Fav 9 1755 2546
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe

Fav 10 1515 4416
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.

(309): View more from Illinois

so finals studying is going well?

Fav 13 7827 1521
share tweet
(339): View more from Massachusetts

i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

Fav 38 22563 3004
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything

Fav 5 5262 1447
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer

Fav 32 5871 1547
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again

Fav 1 1821 744
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...

Fav 17 6274 1537
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.

Fav 31 8385 1612
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.

Fav 21 1150 4000
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.

Fav 18 4798 1481
share tweet
(905): View more from Toronto

the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.

Fav 30 1460 4392
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card

Fav 30 2803 8330
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".

Fav 68 26531 1827
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.

Fav 45 1820 5370
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.

Fav 131 15187 1769
share tweet
(807): View more from Ontario

yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd

Fav 39 11389 1668
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.

Fav 45 11738 2893
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

Fav 44 15905 1917
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

you left your dildo in my car

(516): View more from New York

rules of finders keepers apply

Fav 20 3837 1579
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.

Fav 16 1171 3810
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?

Fav 59 4236 1017
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.

Fav 22 1519 4481
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

Fav 86 41321 2578
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood

Fav 4 4349 958
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.

Fav 5 1873 906
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.

Fav 11 5221 1743
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"

Fav 12 6722 1357
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I don't know where my bra went.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.

Fav 22 8304 1423
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.

Fav 14 5381 1684
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake

Fav 4 3501 1015
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

Fav 49 18835 1915
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"

Fav 17 4518 1267
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.

Fav 20 4819 1265
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

her facebook's as public as her vagina

Fav 43 3448 2855
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"

Fav 17 4958 1335
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation

Fav 9 7143 1414
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.

Fav 10 5627 1511
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.

Fav 15 10193 1428
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy

Fav 16 6909 1514
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I hate the hobo that sits outside our building

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Joe or Chris?

(314): View more from Missouri

do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?

(1-314): View more from Missouri

well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.

Fav 17 8704 1539
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.

Fav 31 6128 2221
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion

Fav 12 2595 4571
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish

Fav 26 3152 1369
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.

Fav 12 1184 2443
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

Fav 45 15495 2362
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical

Fav 18 9911 1135
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...

Fav 15 5766 1249
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.

Fav 10 6715 1255
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.

Fav 23 3480 843
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef

Fav 33 7234 1144
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"

Fav 29 10389 1245
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.

Fav 22 1228 4685
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

Fav 41 32284 1496
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him

Fav 144 18338 3511
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.

Fav 12 5052 958
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.

Fav 8 882 2351
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.

(1-216): View more from Ohio

Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.

(216): View more from Ohio

Take that integrity

Fav 48 3347 973
share tweet
(415): View more from California

this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.

Fav 11 4229 1220
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.

(317): View more from Indiana

Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.

(812): View more from Indiana

Ah, my reputation precedes me.

Fav 25 1990 4746
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day

Fav 30 4107 1231
share tweet
(626): View more from California

What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?

(1-626): View more from California

You have mice?

(626): View more from California

no why?

Fav 15 4067 1225
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.

Fav 17 4302 970
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.

Fav 26 6234 1625
share tweet
(760): View more from California

For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".

Fav 12 4280 1348
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.

Fav 43 6818 1379
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"

Fav 20 1487 5934
share tweet
(805): View more from California

IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!

(818): View more from California

A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?

(805): View more from California

CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT

Fav 21 5802 1271
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent

Fav 44 1595 2876
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.

Fav 32 3300 978
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.

Fav 15 8244 1405
share tweet
(432): View more from Texas

So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?

(207): View more from Maine

You need to stop watching Twilight.

Fav 48 1643 1833
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12

Fav 44 6977 2959
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

those are such fre$h shoes

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign

Fav 29 1654 4081
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?

Fav 26 7740 1703
share tweet
(830): View more from Texas

If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice

Fav 37 4193 1200
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber

Fav 21 875 4299
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant

Fav 54 1669 16180
share tweet
(707): View more from California

I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n

(559): View more from California

sry, psychiatrist trumps professor

Fav 44 7009 1415
share tweet
(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

Fav 107 32825 1976
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.

Fav 12 3386 873
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?

Fav 118 1373 8803
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.

Fav 51 3572 1207
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?

(212): View more from New York

Vagina

Fav 9 2702 1021
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.

Fav 19 4159 1581
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

Fav 30 13126 1908
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

so how was last night?

(1-586): View more from Michigan

got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.

Fav 21 10831 1618
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.

(817): View more from Texas

Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.

(972): View more from Texas

ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.

Fav 66 6052 1617
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night

Fav 14 6776 1488
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.

Fav 10 1361 2221
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.

Fav 56 8778 1329
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.

Fav 58 6061 980
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur

Fav 36 12331 1058
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night

Fav 5 4447 1079
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.

Fav 33 1588 5557
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.

Fav 17 7647 1393
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.

Fav 21 5411 1555
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.

Fav 12 3786 1175
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex

(703): View more from Virginia

I'm on my period, period, period

Fav 72 2289 16367
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.

Fav 20 6972 1172
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...

(714): View more from California

Didn't you just get a DUI last week?

(818): View more from California

Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it

Fav 3 3096 1066
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!

Fav 10 7207 1447
share tweet
(925): View more from California

so explain again why im purple

(617): View more from Massachusetts

no

Fav 10 2222 959
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively

Fav 15 5490 965
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.

Fav 8 1197 3273
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.

Fav 18 5024 1317
share tweet
(418): View more from Quebec

I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate

Fav 5 1968 924
share tweet
(949): View more from California

i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit

Fav 13 3578 1362
share tweet
(530): View more from California

You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.

Fav 8 1748 6267
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.

Fav 34 4869 1036
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.

Fav 27 2900 5369
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.

Fav 50 3551 1286
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.

Fav 31 2037 6924
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.

Fav 40 5136 1081
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.

Fav 22 2849 2089
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.

Fav 30 6748 984
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.

Fav 13 4010 993
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego

Fav 8 5047 847
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.

Fav 4 6456 1344
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

Fav 45 26630 1764
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week

Fav 32 6994 1438
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...

(775): View more from Nevada

yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.

Fav 25 5922 1267
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem

Fav 6 1231 1758
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?

Fav 57 3365 1158
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

the vacuum is drunk

(703): View more from Virginia

what?

(908): View more from New Jersey

i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk

Fav 17 3099 1076
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.

Fav 46 2718 8445
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

(713): View more from Texas

lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

Fav 21 11548 1663
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you definitely held a convo with a hobo

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

we have a secret handshake

Fav 25 4685 863
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that

Fav 8 2171 800
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?

Fav 20 1160 2189
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..

Fav 17 4245 1790
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.

Fav 37 20301 1344
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.

Fav 23 1812 4149
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

fuck the hobbit

(301): View more from Maryland

what about unicorns?

(732): View more from New Jersey

fuck those pointy horses

Fav 9 3084 1153
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter

Fav 24 7389 1147
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?

(573): View more from Missouri

You can't be serious.

Fav 58 3659 1015
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.

Fav 12 2160 3320
share tweet
(530): View more from California

69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle

Fav 31 1050 6883
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.

(847): View more from Illinois

Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.

Fav 63 3320 6539
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

Fav 249 68669 3919
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much

Fav 26 10896 1536
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.

Fav 12 8244 1768
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to

Fav 36 6720 2572
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men

Fav 39 1540 2833
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Who was that guy you went home with?

(1-714): View more from California

Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.

Fav 45 6929 1623
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.

Fav 20 10803 1091
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.

Fav 108 14444 1594
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.

Fav 10 1341 2792
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?

(770): View more from Georgia

I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle

Fav 32 3953 1037
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up

Fav 29 4204 1296
share tweet
(510): View more from California

I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.

(1-510): View more from California

It was probably Jesus.

(510): View more from California

I feel like he would have left a message.

Fav 36 4800 1165
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.

Fav 18 7110 1161
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?

Fav 14 4530 1069
share tweet
(562): View more from California

Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up

Fav 18 1442 3904
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times

Fav 12 6849 1287
share tweet
(415): View more from California

I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.

Fav 32 1309 4442
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.

Fav 8 6432 1483
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.

(1405): View more from

I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?

Fav 47 10718 1466
share tweet
(916): View more from California

ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra

Fav 5 2937 771
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.

Fav 10 2106 833
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

That's funny. Are they weird looking???

(262): View more from Wisconsin

OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.

Fav 39 9448 1836
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.

Fav 6 4491 1115
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.

Fav 15 4699 1490
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.

Fav 25 8401 1338
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.

Fav 3 4394 1334
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now

(310): View more from California

Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...

Fav 14 4548 1313
share tweet
(580): View more from Oklahoma

Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.

Fav 7 1573 3634
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.

Fav 12 1843 4283
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?

Fav 47 1733 7289
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

He went soft

(631): View more from New York

Wait. During?

(260): View more from Indiana

Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.

Fav 99 1255 16398
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

mustard is like jesus in yellow tights

Fav 9 1785 1036
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks

(1-801): View more from Utah

wait.... you do what?

Fav 18 3872 1235
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab

Fav 8 3263 1029
share tweet
(559): View more from California

i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.

Fav 62 10228 1272
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..

Fav 33 1813 4094
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money

(813): View more from Florida

sounds like you understand them just fine

Fav 10 2108 1148
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.

Fav 9 4878 1328
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.

Fav 29 5776 1050
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.

Fav 21 6072 955
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'

Fav 55 1797 17434
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.

Fav 74 4314 18528
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.

Fav 10 7147 2110
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?

Fav 10 4763 1945
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes

(1-260): View more from Indiana

Are your eyes okay

(260): View more from Indiana

I mean if I was Asian they would be

Fav 8 2673 1045
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.

Fav 27 7089 1457
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.

Fav 16 1425 4937
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.

Fav 11 8162 1724
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.

Fav 38 6600 1097
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle

Fav 3 1070 1336
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash

(1-513): View more from Ohio

GO. BACK. NOW.

Fav 42 6937 1042
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys

(214): View more from Texas

I hope to god you are high

Fav 12 3515 967
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.

(970): View more from Colorado

well, dont

(720): View more from Colorado

I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.

Fav 32 6558 1198
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.

Fav 43 5149 1219
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb

Fav 16 4110 1157
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.

Fav 15 1634 5893
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.

(1-785): View more from Kansas

But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.

Fav 26 9102 1298
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

You going out tonight?

(318): View more from Louisiana

No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.

Fav 18 1560 6719
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy

Fav 12 4089 1199
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..

Fav 37 14062 1414
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.

Fav 38 7493 936
share tweet
(619): View more from California

i miss you so much

(858): View more from California

i miss you too

(858): View more from California

oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me

Fav 16 3214 1315
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

First class.

Fav 16 5191 963
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?

Fav 84 1151 6283
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.

Fav 32 1152 6525
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays

Fav 19 7290 941
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.

Fav 72 10572 1124
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.

Fav 200 8449 3061
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..

Fav 9 1743 840
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.

Fav 24 4966 1232
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone

(802): View more from Vermont

Tonite tequila might call you

(802): View more from Vermont

Be prepared

Fav 7 2837 852
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.

Fav 47 14633 1810
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter

Fav 13 8776 1452
share tweet
(805): View more from California

He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex

(949): View more from California

How do you have pretend sex?

(805): View more from California

It was bad...so it was pretend

Fav 13 928 4142
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.

(1-302): View more from Delaware

You mean inside out.

(302): View more from Delaware

No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.

Fav 20 8004 1362
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.

Fav 41 3307 5123
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

I wish they made helmets for livers.

Fav 12 5999 1151
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.

Fav 27 6050 1110
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.

Fav 9 2361 5105
share tweet
(858): View more from California

I like my sex mixed with concussions.

Fav 6 1394 936
share tweet
(925): View more from California

I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me

Fav 26 6412 1102
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..

Fav 45 1680 5727
share tweet
(805): View more from California

they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate

Fav 22 9432 1750
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said

(770): View more from Georgia

she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to

(404): View more from Georgia

You KNEW her power was out...

Fav 39 12382 1433
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.

Fav 11 3896 1401
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with

Fav 41 2369 5079
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.

Fav 96 13848 2783
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

Fav 83 51212 2741
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

Fav 280 55478 5265
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

Fav 842 146109 10758
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

Fav 445 115835 11205
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

Fav 54 75100 3013
share tweet