Texts From Last Night · whocares109's Favorites

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

New vibrator arrived today.

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

How was it?

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Who are these wee mortals we call men?

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(847): View more from Illinois

Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart

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(518): View more from New York

I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP

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(609): View more from New Jersey

He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.

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(941): View more from Florida

I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night

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(504): View more from Louisiana

She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.

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(941): View more from Florida

I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels

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(330): View more from Ohio

I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us

(1-330): View more from Ohio

Um. We all know how I feel about sea life

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(714): View more from California

Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.

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(279): View more from

Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.

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(319): View more from Iowa

How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?

(720): View more from Colorado

I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.

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(404): View more from Georgia

It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.

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(239): View more from Florida

Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you

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(616): View more from Michigan

Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do

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(212): View more from New York

She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.

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(925): View more from California

You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it

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(530): View more from California

She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

We call him Texas for a reason.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here

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(443): View more from Maryland

Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.

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(515): View more from Iowa

yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now

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(602): View more from Arizona

Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.

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(206): View more from Washington

I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.

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(845): View more from New York

Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.

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(361): View more from Texas

My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me

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(318): View more from Louisiana

What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.

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(602): View more from Arizona

The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here

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(559): View more from California

Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"

(707): View more from California

Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.

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(574): View more from Indiana

I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested

(612): View more from Minnesota

Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever

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(916): View more from California

Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.

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(678): View more from Georgia

If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.

(904): View more from Florida

You're a good person. Sharing is caring.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

No this is saxophone Chris

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.

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(775): View more from Nevada

We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before

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(773): View more from Illinois

the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!

(708): View more from Illinois

who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.

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(917): View more from New York City

I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

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(585): View more from New York

When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.

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(206): View more from Washington

No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.

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(212): View more from New York

No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.

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(447): View more from

She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.

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(415): View more from California

Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles

(907): View more from Alaska

How do you keep ending up in these situations?

(415): View more from California

My dad is their accountant

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(773): View more from Illinois

there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me

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(859): View more from Kentucky

We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free

(502): View more from Kentucky

Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"

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(903): View more from Texas

He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights

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(316): View more from Kansas

Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it

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(707): View more from California

New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up

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(773): View more from Illinois

In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

new district manager is here. you need to come in early

(630): View more from Illinois

5th mimosa says otherwise

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(440): View more from Ohio

You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?

(330): View more from Ohio

Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.

(703): View more from Virginia

But doesn't your shift end at like noon?

(540): View more from Virginia

I don't think you understand.

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(818): View more from California

Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business

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(443): View more from Maryland

yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac

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(505): View more from New Mexico

The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"

(703): View more from Virginia

Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend

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(913): View more from Kansas

I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.

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(314): View more from Missouri

The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.

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(719): View more from Colorado

My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.

(505): View more from New Mexico

By piano you mean.....

(719): View more from Colorado

Like literally a piano.

(505): View more from New Mexico

Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.

(1-952): View more from Minnesota

The tryst?

(952): View more from Minnesota

The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.

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(646): View more from New York

Is 1:30 too early for the bar?

(718): View more from New York

Do you want my opinion or society's?

(646): View more from New York

I want your company

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(219): View more from Indiana

You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.

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(815): View more from Illinois

also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.

(848): View more from New Jersey

No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.

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(269): View more from Michigan

Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?

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(949): View more from California

Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving

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(775): View more from Nevada

Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool

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(419): View more from Ohio

I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila

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(906): View more from Michigan

A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."

(239): View more from Florida

I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.

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(712): View more from Iowa

When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot

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(619): View more from California

I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?

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(334): View more from Alabama

So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police

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(714): View more from California

She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick

(1-714): View more from California

Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

I almost fell asleep reading that.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

I almost fell asleep fucking it.

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(903): View more from Texas

I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED

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(713): View more from Texas

She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.

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(917): View more from New York City

He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.

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(727): View more from Florida

We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.

(1-727): View more from Florida

I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too

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(310): View more from California

My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too

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(802): View more from Vermont

at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off

(720): View more from Colorado

I mean come on

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(312): View more from Illinois

I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.

(312): View more from Illinois

It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!

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(305): View more from Florida

My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".

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(386): View more from Florida

I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?

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(210): View more from Texas

Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....

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(785): View more from Kansas

That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"

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(727): View more from Florida

She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"

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(609): View more from New Jersey

And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.

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(940): View more from Texas

I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused

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(727): View more from Florida

On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired

(727): View more from Florida

I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches

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(343): View more from Ontario

Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?

(1-343): View more from Ontario

Lol, last year was UNREAL

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

Next. Level. Shit.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW

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(281): View more from Texas

Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.

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(305): View more from Florida

He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.

(1-305): View more from Florida

Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?

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(912): View more from Georgia

I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away

(781): View more from Massachusetts

i think i might be a female sloth

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(+61): View more from Australia

You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.

(1+61): View more from

Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?

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(801): View more from Utah

I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me

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(415): View more from California

I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week

(1-415): View more from California

I don't deserve you.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.

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(641): View more from Iowa

Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.

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(815): View more from Illinois

We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.

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(956): View more from Texas

She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.

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(801): View more from Utah

Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.

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(765): View more from Indiana

We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.

(708): View more from Illinois

And it tastes incredible.

(708): View more from Illinois

And I have chest pains.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell

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(330): View more from Ohio

i've created a new STD.

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(925): View more from California

I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy

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(201): View more from New Jersey

If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.

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(706): View more from Georgia

URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?

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(479): View more from Arkansas

The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."

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(586): View more from Michigan

He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.

(248): View more from Michigan

Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.

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(630): View more from Illinois

She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.

(630): View more from Illinois

I'm in love.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.

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(655): View more from

Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?

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(518): View more from New York

That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.

(315): View more from New York

Who is this?!????

(518): View more from New York

That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.

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(424): View more from California

Update: I may or may not be in a cult

(424): View more from California

Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult

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(917): View more from New York City

I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.

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(360): View more from Washington

I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.

(1-360): View more from Washington

It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.

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(903): View more from Texas

Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.

(1-903): View more from Texas

Dude I've been in FL since Monday.

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(904): View more from Florida

Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers

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(+61): View more from Australia

The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.

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(+33): View more from France

If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.

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(208): View more from Idaho

That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.

(208): View more from Idaho

Especially drunk mermaids.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I want a burrito.

(1-541): View more from Oregon

Truly, you are the voice of a generation.

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(310): View more from California

My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.

(1-310): View more from California

That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...

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(310): View more from California

thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.

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(915): View more from Texas

My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry

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(719): View more from Colorado

I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free

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(925): View more from California

Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.

(1-925): View more from California

How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?

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(970): View more from Colorado

he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.

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(850): View more from Florida

For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.

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(613): View more from Ontario

All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.

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(775): View more from Nevada

They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.

(1-775): View more from Nevada

I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America

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(815): View more from Illinois

Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship

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(951): View more from California

Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.

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(614): View more from Ohio

We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell

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(925): View more from California

We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.

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(431): View more from

Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.

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(917): View more from New York City

hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.

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(720): View more from Colorado

His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.

(1-720): View more from Colorado

I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.

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(317): View more from Indiana

He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.

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(914): View more from New York

THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED

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(619): View more from California

We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.

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(802): View more from Vermont

just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store

(203): View more from Connecticut

was it you?

(802): View more from Vermont

...yes

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(616): View more from Michigan

if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore

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(650): View more from California

OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.

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(914): View more from New York

You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.

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(512): View more from Texas

Was I asleep on the ride home?

(1-512): View more from Texas

Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.

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(925): View more from California

After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...

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(562): View more from California

I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.

(416): View more from Toronto

You are not an adult

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(720): View more from Colorado

Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...

(303): View more from Colorado

God works in mysterious ways my friend.

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(716): View more from New York

he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."

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(901): View more from Tennessee

As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...

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(423): View more from Tennessee

What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.

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(404): View more from Georgia

All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....

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(214): View more from Texas

Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea

(214): View more from Texas

WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO

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(44): View more from United Kingdom

I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian

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(817): View more from Texas

I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.

(512): View more from Texas

Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.

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(903): View more from Texas

Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.

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(616): View more from Michigan

We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

So, were they human bite marks at least?

(434): View more from Virginia

Your guess is as good as mine.

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(805): View more from California

Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"

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(540): View more from Virginia

He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.

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(845): View more from New York

YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE

(1-914): View more from New York

YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.

(845): View more from New York

I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary

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(253): View more from Washington

For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.

(1-704): View more from North Carolina

Celebratory bar crawl?

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(705): View more from Ontario

My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo

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(816): View more from Missouri

Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.

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(309): View more from Illinois

well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly

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(404): View more from Georgia

After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"

(404): View more from Georgia

I come from her. Holy hell.

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(619): View more from California

Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.

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(949): View more from California

the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops

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(937): View more from Ohio

We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.

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(512): View more from Texas

I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."

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(859): View more from Kentucky

You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"

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(859): View more from Kentucky

i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex

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(775): View more from Nevada

My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case

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(835): View more from Pennsylvania

You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"

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(757): View more from Virginia

you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.

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(660): View more from Missouri

On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?

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(740): View more from Ohio

I have a surprise for you guys

(937): View more from Ohio

What is it?

(740): View more from Ohio

A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS

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(901): View more from Tennessee

This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.

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(301): View more from Maryland

The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.

(479): View more from Arkansas

Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

This is why I married you.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it

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(303): View more from Colorado

how did operation slutty penguin go?

(619): View more from California

pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter

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(602): View more from Arizona

Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake

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(914): View more from New York

I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.

(1-808): View more from Hawaii

To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character

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(660): View more from Missouri

People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

they paper machayed me.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.

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(574): View more from Indiana

I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.

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(720): View more from Colorado

ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.

(1-720): View more from Colorado

Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.

(720): View more from Colorado

I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.

(720): View more from Colorado

I rest my case.

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(541): View more from Oregon

mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.

(925): View more from California

"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.

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(415): View more from California

I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT

(707): View more from California

I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.

(415): View more from California

I effort

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(802): View more from Vermont

You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Is she still in your room?

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.

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(657): View more from California

He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"

(818): View more from California

this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!

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(303): View more from Colorado

I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind

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(707): View more from California

As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.

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(805): View more from California

Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.

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(480): View more from Arizona

We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."

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(845): View more from New York

just woke up under a car ? That's odd

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Holy fucking shit

(845): View more from New York

WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT

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(301): View more from Maryland

This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."

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(317): View more from Indiana

When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.

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(214): View more from Texas

Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat

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(817): View more from Texas

Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.

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(850): View more from Florida

I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.

(239): View more from Florida

that is the opposite of a normal text message.

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(310): View more from California

I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass

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(406): View more from Montana

the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here

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(631): View more from New York

She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.

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(716): View more from New York

He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.

(585): View more from New York

Find him and marry him.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.

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(408): View more from California

Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship

(817): View more from Texas

Last one there wins

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(425): View more from Washington

Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.

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(623): View more from Arizona

You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'

(1-623): View more from Arizona

I thought I could.

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(516): View more from New York

I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.

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(207): View more from Maine

Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...

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(240): View more from Maryland

Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire

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(515): View more from Iowa

We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.

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(435): View more from Utah

I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...

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(951): View more from California

You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.

(1-951): View more from California

This is the first time I'm hearing this information.

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(818): View more from California

On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?

(1-818): View more from California

I'm about a 7.95

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(860): View more from Connecticut

My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro

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(619): View more from California

I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands

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(805): View more from California

What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.

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(248): View more from Michigan

What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?

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(+61): View more from Australia

Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.

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(719): View more from Colorado

tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.

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(702): View more from Nevada

We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.

(843): View more from South Carolina

You're the best wingman ever.

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(212): View more from New York

You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.

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(210): View more from Texas

You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL

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(650): View more from California

i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra

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(908): View more from New Jersey

She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.

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(443): View more from Maryland

its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike

(303): View more from Colorado

you still have morals?

(443): View more from Maryland

Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole

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(719): View more from Colorado

we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING

(617): View more from Massachusetts

you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.

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(514): View more from Quebec

so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.

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(519): View more from Ontario

My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now

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(252): View more from North Carolina

We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground

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(914): View more from New York

I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.

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(619): View more from California

No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England

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(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important

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(260): View more from Indiana

dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?

(1-260): View more from Indiana

what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing

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(970): View more from Colorado

Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"

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(972): View more from Texas

they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!

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(850): View more from Florida

hey. who tried to drive me home last night?

(904): View more from Florida

not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?

(850): View more from Florida

i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

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(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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(416): View more from Ontario

you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(720): View more from Colorado

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.

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(213): View more from California

I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...

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(410): View more from Maryland

Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar

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(360): View more from Washington

The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.

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(618): View more from Illinois

He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero

(618): View more from Illinois

I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them

(256): View more from Alabama

FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine

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(952): View more from Minnesota

You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i have to get rid of the hedgehog.

(765): View more from Indiana

Does it come with a cage?

(201): View more from New Jersey

yes. and food and toys.

(765): View more from Indiana

i'll trade you an 8th for it

(201): View more from New Jersey

deal.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

You know i think she's just using me for sex

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

I hate you.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important

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(269): View more from Michigan

"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken

(269): View more from Michigan

"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy

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(859): View more from Kentucky

The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?

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(616): View more from Michigan

Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.

(616): View more from Michigan

I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?

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(815): View more from Illinois

She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.

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(815): View more from Illinois

He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

fireball beer pong. youre missing out

(732): View more from New Jersey

how is that even possible?

(908): View more from New Jersey

ove gloves.

(732): View more from New Jersey

be there in ten.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.

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(914): View more from New York

Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.

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(415): View more from California

Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.

(1-414): View more from Wisconsin

That is like, the point of shorts

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?

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(517): View more from Michigan

This baby is an asshole

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(443): View more from Maryland

Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.

(410): View more from Maryland

The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Everything smells like blood and olive oil.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility

(910): View more from North Carolina

well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...

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(352): View more from Florida

The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"

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(719): View more from Colorado

I'm stealing this baby.

(1-719): View more from Colorado

Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.

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(831): View more from California

Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance

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(406): View more from Montana

She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial

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(520): View more from Arizona

I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.

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(614): View more from Ohio

The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?

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(805): View more from California

WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts

(805): View more from California

YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts are serious business

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(818): View more from California

The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.

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(231): View more from Michigan

My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test

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(970): View more from Colorado

The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night

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(972): View more from Texas

I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.

(512): View more from Texas

That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?

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(828): View more from North Carolina

No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry

(828): View more from North Carolina

Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302

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(503): View more from Oregon

Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.

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(734): View more from Michigan

In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.

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(678): View more from Georgia

You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'

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(970): View more from Colorado

Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.

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(440): View more from Ohio

im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.

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(248): View more from Michigan

The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"

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(512): View more from Texas

scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck

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(206): View more from Washington

Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.

(1-206): View more from Washington

Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.

(206): View more from Washington

Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

I regret nothing

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(937): View more from Ohio

Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.

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(315): View more from New York

Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?

(518): View more from New York

Its called bad cop laid cop.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.

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(734): View more from Michigan

we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.

(248): View more from Michigan

...that shit cray.

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(419): View more from Ohio

we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit

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(845): View more from New York

Make me a sandwich

(301): View more from Maryland

The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.

(1-832): View more from Houston, Texas

Totally acceptable.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.

(703): View more from Virginia

OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid

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(417): View more from Missouri

It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.

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(416): View more from Toronto

i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.

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(217): View more from Illinois

She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Found the puke drawer

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(434): View more from Virginia

I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME

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(513): View more from Ohio

trapped on the roof of the strip club. help

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?

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(206): View more from Washington

I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.

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(631): View more from New York

I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"

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(336): View more from North Carolina

The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge

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(892): View more from

YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!

(314): View more from Missouri

Only one tier

(314): View more from Missouri

Tastes like cardboard anyway

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.

(404): View more from Georgia

Everyone is cheering

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2

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(714): View more from California

Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.

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(415): View more from California

my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked

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(503): View more from Oregon

That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO

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(701): View more from North Dakota

They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.

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(425): View more from Washington

What goes on in that head of yours?

(206): View more from Washington

Gay sex, for the most part. Why?

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(904): View more from Florida

I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded

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(914): View more from New York

I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage

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(623): View more from Arizona

Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.

(1-623): View more from Arizona

That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me

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(224): View more from Illinois

My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.

(312): View more from Illinois

Elaborate

(224): View more from Illinois

Strip Mario-Kart

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Lube is flammable

(404): View more from Georgia

Who is this??

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(208): View more from Idaho

so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.

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(619): View more from California

I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit

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(757): View more from Virginia

Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(

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(402): View more from Nebraska

found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon

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(260): View more from Indiana

A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?

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(817): View more from Texas

Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.

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(516): View more from New York

Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now

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(530): View more from California

I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously

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(425): View more from Washington

You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.

(206): View more from Washington

The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?

(732): View more from New Jersey

No, I did. It's a long story.

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(229): View more from Georgia

It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.

(904): View more from Florida

Keeping it classy as usual I see

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over

(1+44): View more from

Wet with either fear or sexual excitement

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I think a mixture of both is appropriate

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(201): View more from New Jersey

He's cheating on her.

(973): View more from New Jersey

Are you sure it wasn't her?

(201): View more from New Jersey

I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls

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(609): View more from New Jersey

How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?

(941): View more from Florida

I was attacked by whores

(609): View more from New Jersey

You threw up on yourself again didn't you?

(941): View more from Florida

They were strong whores

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(318): View more from Louisiana

They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.

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(716): View more from New York

i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt

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(516): View more from New York

He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?

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(979): View more from Texas

Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.

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(815): View more from Illinois

he ran through my sliding door

(1-815): View more from Illinois

in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers

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(404): View more from Georgia

Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.

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(559): View more from California

Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes

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(571): View more from Virginia

How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.

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(415): View more from California

She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?

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(718): View more from New York

If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.

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(760): View more from California

But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy

(530): View more from California

I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce

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(816): View more from Missouri

Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.

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(831): View more from California

I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.

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(469): View more from Texas

Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.

(416): View more from Toronto

I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.

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(712): View more from Iowa

You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.

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(+61): View more from Australia

On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety

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(905): View more from Ontario

I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".

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(641): View more from Iowa

You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own

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(703): View more from Virginia

No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?

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(310): View more from California

Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...

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(402): View more from Nebraska

God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway

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(757): View more from Virginia

Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.

(1-757): View more from Virginia

I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face

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(949): View more from California

I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.

(702): View more from Nevada

It's like the whiskey god was watching over you

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(646): View more from New York

Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.

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(331): View more from Illinois

My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.

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(206): View more from Washington

Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities

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(605): View more from South Dakota

You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.

(336): View more from North Carolina

Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.

(504): View more from Louisiana

A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.

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(779): View more from Illinois

I smell like gasoline and adventure.

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(409): View more from Texas

Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo

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(949): View more from California

We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.

(1-701): View more from North Dakota

Jesus, are you hammered?

(701): View more from North Dakota

Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Disregard the shoes in the freezer.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.

(1+44): View more from

Doesn't she keep a spare?

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.

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(813): View more from Florida

EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?

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(626): View more from California

Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?

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(909): View more from California

I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.

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(913): View more from Kansas

So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on

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(301): View more from Maryland

He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.

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(520): View more from Arizona

She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.

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(303): View more from Colorado

normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.

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(208): View more from Idaho

the day after is always just damage control

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(361): View more from Texas

There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous

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(804): View more from Virginia

I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store

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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit

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(704): View more from North Carolina

It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.

(734): View more from Michigan

What'd you do?

(313): View more from Michigan

Its more like what im about to do.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...

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(757): View more from Virginia

you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.

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(817): View more from Texas

I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.

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(303): View more from Colorado

im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

that was a mass text, wasnt it?

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(815): View more from Illinois

Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?

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(432): View more from Texas

Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"

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(443): View more from Maryland

she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??

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(919): View more from North Carolina

she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE

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(970): View more from Colorado

I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?

(513): View more from Ohio

um, yeah. i think it is.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.

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(408): View more from California

she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room

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(530): View more from California

Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.

(1-530): View more from California

at least it wasnt animals

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(469): View more from Texas

You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."

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(972): View more from Texas

The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard

(972): View more from Texas

OHHH and there was a Batman too.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you found the shrooms didnt you

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(847): View more from Illinois

I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?

(+48): View more from Poland

Poland

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(419): View more from Ohio

They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.

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(917): View more from New York City

She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.

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(425): View more from Washington

He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that

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(270): View more from Kentucky

A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

Now it's a party.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm not really sure actually. until I fell in love with a boy (which was just a few weeks ago) I thought my attraction to men was purely physical.

(201): View more from New Jersey

so you were gay...and then you realized you were EVEN MORE gay

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(970): View more from Colorado

I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.

(1-970): View more from Colorado

Soup is delicious

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(310): View more from California

Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?

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(727): View more from Florida

She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.

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(816): View more from Missouri

My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.

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(916): View more from California

So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.

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(301): View more from Maryland

His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.

(1-301): View more from Maryland

I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You went to jail last night?!

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

Just a little bit.

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(917): View more from New York City

when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.

(917): View more from New York City

Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.

(347): View more from New York

he is a god among men.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I will cut you

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me

(423): View more from Tennessee

Put that in perspective

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.

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(386): View more from Florida

I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness

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(831): View more from California

I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.

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(772): View more from Florida

You're fine

(585): View more from New York

I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"

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(229): View more from Georgia

Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?

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(416): View more from Toronto

Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.

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(229): View more from Georgia

I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.

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(512): View more from Texas

There are so many Jimmy John's employees here

(1-512): View more from Texas

Where are you?

(512): View more from Texas

Jimmy John's.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.

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(682): View more from Texas

I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face

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(208): View more from Idaho

I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I love you more than champagne and correct grammar

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

(410): View more from Maryland

you are way too vulgar to be a girl

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(248): View more from Michigan

Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that

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(914): View more from New York

He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.

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(817): View more from Texas

My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.

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(817): View more from Texas

Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

(1-817): View more from Texas

You weighed it?

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(626): View more from California

Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...

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(914): View more from New York

He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?

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(602): View more from Arizona

If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!

(623): View more from Arizona

It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...

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(320): View more from Minnesota

In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now

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(541): View more from Oregon

im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more

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(404): View more from Georgia

He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...

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(416): View more from Toronto

this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me

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(587): View more from Alberta

Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.

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(616): View more from Michigan

This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.

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(410): View more from Maryland

So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.

(443): View more from Maryland

YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?

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(303): View more from Colorado

we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us

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(847): View more from Illinois

I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.

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(714): View more from California

Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.

(1-714): View more from California

If he was naked that was me.

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(+33): View more from France

I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.

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(305): View more from Florida

Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.

(720): View more from Colorado

Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?

(303): View more from Colorado

my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are

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(845): View more from New York

if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

What time did you start drinking?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe isn't a time...

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(628): View more from California

That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?

(1-618): View more from Illinois

We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

How have you survived this long?

(479): View more from Arkansas

Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.

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(810): View more from Michigan

You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.

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(989): View more from Michigan

i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.

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(804): View more from Virginia

My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.

(802): View more from Vermont

So basically you were a dog.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.

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(954): View more from Florida

Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I only kidnapped one of them. chill

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."

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(313): View more from Michigan

I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.

(1-313): View more from Michigan

Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..

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(540): View more from Virginia

'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"

(732): View more from New Jersey

Career choice validated

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

No...more like a life jacket.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"

(308): View more from Nebraska

Stop drinking at work.

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(248): View more from Michigan

My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist

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(+61): View more from Australia

He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.

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(813): View more from Florida

Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.

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(765): View more from Indiana

On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.

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(607): View more from New York

Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis

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(773): View more from Illinois

We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.

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(802): View more from Vermont

i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone

(1-540): View more from Virginia

I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her

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(858): View more from California

No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.

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(818): View more from California

Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill

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(330): View more from Ohio

My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.

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(845): View more from New York

You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...

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(330): View more from Ohio

The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind

(1-330): View more from Ohio

Well it worked

(330): View more from Ohio

Not the point

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was

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(765): View more from Indiana

we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.

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(917): View more from New York City

i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.

(516): View more from New York

was the water running?

(917): View more from New York City

yeah but he said he knows how to swim

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(513): View more from Ohio

Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives

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(480): View more from Arizona

Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major

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(503): View more from Oregon

Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?

(408): View more from California

JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Oh God.

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(772): View more from Florida

how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?

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(386): View more from Florida

And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur

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(609): View more from New Jersey

wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.

(941): View more from Florida

it was a krispy kreme

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!

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(404): View more from Georgia

He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.

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(719): View more from Colorado

hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.

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(207): View more from Maine

Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT

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(916): View more from California

God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".

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(541): View more from Oregon

I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.

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(206): View more from Washington

college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars

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(512): View more from Texas

her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"

(1-512): View more from Texas

you motherfucker

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.

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(740): View more from Ohio

As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.

(1-334): View more from Alabama

Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.

(1-304): View more from West Virginia

Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?

(304): View more from West Virginia

No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.

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(574): View more from Indiana

should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?

(1-574): View more from Indiana

meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?

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(989): View more from Michigan

Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

...i wondered where i left that...

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,

(679): View more from Michigan

I wanted to be a dolphin.

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(519): View more from Ontario

There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge

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(256): View more from Alabama

I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.

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(904): View more from Florida

stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.

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(334): View more from Alabama

My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.

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(305): View more from Florida

Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.

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(251): View more from Alabama

When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.

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(425): View more from Washington

WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.

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(519): View more from Ontario

sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.

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(813): View more from Florida

that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Breakfast tacos?

(1-832): View more from Houston, Texas

YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Fear?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

FEAR.

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(428): View more from

she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

it is a toga and you are a goddess.

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(330): View more from Ohio

The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.

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(519): View more from Ontario

we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning

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(706): View more from Georgia

Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note

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(616): View more from Michigan

I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.

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(916): View more from California

In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?

(1-916): View more from California

Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin

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(636): View more from Missouri

He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.

(314): View more from Missouri

That was the greatest thing i have ever read.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.

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(425): View more from Washington

I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.

(1-425): View more from Washington

No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!

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(502): View more from Kentucky

We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.

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(905): View more from Ontario

We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.

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(904): View more from Florida

After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.

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(845): View more from New York

Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me

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(812): View more from Indiana

Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.

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(757): View more from Virginia

broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.

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(646): View more from New York

Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done

(760): View more from California

Victory lap

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(540): View more from Virginia

Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.

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(+33): View more from France

Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.

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(509): View more from Washington

We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.

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(310): View more from California

I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.

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(530): View more from California

I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover

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(847): View more from Illinois

Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.

(847): View more from Illinois

It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.

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(415): View more from California

Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.

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(845): View more from New York

Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.

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(313): View more from Michigan

My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He's almost as awesome as vicodin.

(513): View more from Ohio

Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...

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(979): View more from Texas

Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again

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(509): View more from Washington

Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is

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(713): View more from Texas

We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.

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(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

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(407): View more from Florida

Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS

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(843): View more from South Carolina

great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.

(260): View more from Indiana

He probs deserved it.

(317): View more from Indiana

Every good man does.

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(408): View more from California

I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.

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(212): View more from New York

dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?

(1-212): View more from New York

idk but i think it had a face

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(415): View more from California

You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.

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(518): View more from New York

how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago

(404): View more from Georgia

so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?

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(519): View more from Ontario

was it more than 30 minutes?

(416): View more from Ontario

ya

(519): View more from Ontario

then you're in a relationship

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(214): View more from Texas

Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."

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(305): View more from Florida

nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.

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(707): View more from California

We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.

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(208): View more from Idaho

The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo

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(314): View more from Missouri

he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

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(706): View more from Georgia

Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"

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(720): View more from Colorado

yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.

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(516): View more from New York

Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar

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(207): View more from Maine

Damn you and your Monday night power hours.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?

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(313): View more from Michigan

he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!

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(519): View more from Ontario

On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?

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(512): View more from Texas

we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja

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(919): View more from North Carolina

what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

"bouncy castle"

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(519): View more from Ontario

I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god

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(716): View more from New York

IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me

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(513): View more from Ohio

2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.

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(214): View more from Texas

Come over. Drunk tacos.

(1-214): View more from Texas

That isn't even a sentence.

(214): View more from Texas

I kept the important parts.

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(217): View more from Illinois

You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.

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(425): View more from Washington

He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine

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(773): View more from Illinois

I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.

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(619): View more from California

Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..

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(863): View more from Florida

I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.

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(516): View more from New York

well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks

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(916): View more from California

let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.

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(989): View more from Michigan

If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back

(906): View more from Michigan

I resent that

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(740): View more from Ohio

we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke

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(352): View more from Florida

he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled

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(770): View more from Georgia

She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias

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(206): View more from Washington

Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed

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(289): View more from Ontario

Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.

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(757): View more from Virginia

It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.

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(760): View more from California

so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.

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(206): View more from Washington

Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"

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(816): View more from Missouri

He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50

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(503): View more from Oregon

We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake

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(256): View more from Alabama

Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you

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(863): View more from Florida

Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.

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(347): View more from New York

It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself

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(562): View more from California

Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.

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(845): View more from New York

Did you bedazzle the elevator?

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(631): View more from New York

i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.

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(206): View more from Washington

He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.

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(705): View more from Ontario

I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.

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(940): View more from Texas

Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.

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(510): View more from California

In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...

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(316): View more from Kansas

Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first

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(604): View more from British Columbia

There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.

(917): View more from New York City

what ever happened to our old dealer?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later

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(315): View more from New York

i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.

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(425): View more from Washington

Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?

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(904): View more from Florida

Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.

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(407): View more from Florida

There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!

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(523): View more from

Hey did where's my bong?

(1-523): View more from

In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right

(523): View more from

Should I bother to ask?

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(305): View more from Florida

No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog

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(530): View more from California

Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.

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(812): View more from Indiana

No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...

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(703): View more from Virginia

A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...

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(630): View more from Illinois

i have a girlfriend

(847): View more from Illinois

if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?

(630): View more from Illinois

no

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?

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(713): View more from Texas

Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

My vibrator challenges you to a duel.

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(972): View more from Texas

I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out

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(847): View more from Illinois

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?

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(360): View more from Washington

have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation

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(707): View more from California

He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.

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(519): View more from Ontario

This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.

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(417): View more from Missouri

When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.

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(239): View more from Florida

Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.

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(705): View more from Ontario

and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.

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(716): View more from New York

He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.

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(419): View more from Ohio

His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch

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(317): View more from Indiana

You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.

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(480): View more from Arizona

My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"

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(231): View more from Michigan

I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.

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(205): View more from Alabama

He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you

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(631): View more from New York

these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.

(631): View more from New York

i got hit in the ear.

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(207): View more from Maine

I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."

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(615): View more from Tennessee

6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread

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(210): View more from Texas

I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.

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(801): View more from Utah

On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.

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(443): View more from Maryland

you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.

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(631): View more from New York

I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday

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(443): View more from Maryland

We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over

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(940): View more from Texas

An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.

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(845): View more from New York

They were actually really boring considering how we met them.

(1-845): View more from New York

howd you meet them?

(845): View more from New York

They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen

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(860): View more from Connecticut

omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.

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(708): View more from Illinois

You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

where the hell would u of bought a deer

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where the hell are you

(706): View more from Georgia

He's winning.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".

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(707): View more from California

My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her

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(760): View more from California

explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?

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(731): View more from Tennessee

He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties

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(443): View more from Maryland

She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.

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(214): View more from Texas

It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?

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(713): View more from Texas

That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.

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(334): View more from Alabama

thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."

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(859): View more from Kentucky

You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.

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(530): View more from California

Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats

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(512): View more from Texas

did you find a tooth?

(254): View more from Texas

did you lose one?

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(270): View more from Kentucky

and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown

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(613): View more from Ontario

I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Shut up. I did not.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

I really wish I was making that up.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.

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(518): View more from New York

our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.

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(248): View more from Michigan

im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...

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(515): View more from Iowa

If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.

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(813): View more from Florida

We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow

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(513): View more from Ohio

Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

You got my ass fired just for knowing you

(479): View more from Arkansas

thanks for the bacon

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(647): View more from Ontario

on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..

(1-647): View more from Ontario

who won?

(647): View more from Ontario

THAT is your concern right now?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

without a question

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(843): View more from South Carolina

70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.

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(512): View more from Texas

The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.

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(212): View more from New York

There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.

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(206): View more from Washington

I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up

(919): View more from North Carolina

which one looks the most like her?

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(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever

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(530): View more from California

My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.

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(949): View more from California

My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it

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