Texts From Last Night · Jay1993's Favorites

Sorry fucttt hasn't picked any favorites yet.

Jay1993's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(567): View more from Ohio

i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand

Fav 4 2379 962
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.

Fav 3 1815 769
share tweet

(402): View more from Nebraska

On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.

Fav 22 4099 1432
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.

Fav 27 3221 1061
share tweet
(951): View more from California

my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.

Fav 21 4711 1445
share tweet
(209): View more from California

come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground

Fav 13 1115 2609
share tweet

(801): View more from Utah

Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

Fav 46 20096 2060
share tweet

(313): View more from Michigan

is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...

Fav 26 831 4550
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.

(313): View more from Michigan

Something like a penis light saber.

Fav 12 2590 985
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.

Fav 12 997 1546
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".

Fav 34 6104 6873
share tweet

(850): View more from Florida

It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis

Fav 3 1653 732
share tweet

(614): View more from Ohio

you really are a gigantic fucking slut.

(614): View more from Ohio

sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text

(1-614): View more from Ohio

it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?

Fav 6 3786 982
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.

(917): View more from New York City

Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.

(347): View more from New York

he is a god among men.

Fav 53 8223 1346
share tweet

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.

Fav 12 1980 1551
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!

Fav 18 1877 2563
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I wish they made people sized litter boxes.

Fav 11 968 1822
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.

Fav 7 2196 949
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.

Fav 42 5485 1007
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

I wanna bring you to show and tell

Fav 1 2286 966
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

How's work?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Spinning.

Fav 9 5285 1421
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?

(425): View more from Washington

Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.

Fav 11 5005 1139
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Woah.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

that's not how you spell hell yes.

Fav 56 7968 1739
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

God wants them to get laid too.

Fav 59 8465 1870
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.

Fav 14 2617 1005
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls

(763): View more from Minnesota

is that a poem?!

Fav 55 7866 2263
share tweet
(510): View more from California

The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.

Fav 13 1687 2888
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged

(703): View more from Virginia

just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit

Fav 61 2085 12773
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Are you pooping in the stall next to me?

(404): View more from Georgia

Maybe....

(540): View more from Virginia

Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.

Fav 82 4784 5545
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized

Fav 53 5433 1347
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card

Fav 29 3860 1529
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

(410): View more from Maryland

you are way too vulgar to be a girl

Fav 20 8744 1451
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.

Fav 8 3420 965
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.

Fav 9 1975 5124
share tweet
(+10): View more from

I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays

Fav 3 1012 1940
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.

Fav 8 2839 1013
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.

Fav 6 2837 1172
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude

Fav 4 1440 895
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.

Fav 5 1878 747
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.

Fav 7 2755 893
share tweet
(772): View more from Florida

Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish

Fav 9 2560 916
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".

Fav 7 1684 947
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.

Fav 5 1813 1009
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Gong!

(1-253): View more from Washington

YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT

Fav 17 4743 1055
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

why is my forehead so bruised?

(1+61): View more from

i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.

Fav 6 2657 1020
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I just ran into the couch, vagina first.

(1-818): View more from California

I hope you got dinner out of it

Fav 15 4502 1099
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying

(203): View more from Connecticut

but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she

Fav 34 4957 1257
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks

(1-801): View more from Utah

wait.... you do what?

Fav 18 3872 1234
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.

Fav 7 3016 1517
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!

Fav 66 1550 17567
share tweet
(786): View more from Florida

He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."

Fav 17 8040 1623
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?

(201): View more from New Jersey

Strong 6

(516): View more from New York

That's an oxymoron.

Fav 32 1661 4690
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles

Fav 18 3785 1007
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.

Fav 9 2564 1165
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.

Fav 18 2323 6636
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.

Fav 5 1052 3975
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night

Fav 28 5383 1375
share tweet
(731): View more from Tennessee

Maybe she gives good head

(615): View more from Tennessee

A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head

Fav 44 1145 4066
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?

Fav 11 1119 2077
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?

Fav 10 2347 1047
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.

Fav 17 3139 1023
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.

Fav 17 1960 4104
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fav 3 2448 919
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???

Fav 13 3965 1707
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.

Fav 13 1258 3341
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery

Fav 8 1726 882
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.

Fav 11 5908 1543
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS

Fav 5 3326 1309
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me

Fav 9 3473 1092
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.

Fav 2 1570 866
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.

Fav 6 888 2257
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?

Fav 10 2724 1570
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

well in DOG beers, i've only had one

Fav 20 5841 1255
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."

Fav 5 2805 952
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her

Fav 3 2156 1114
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.

(443): View more from Maryland

YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?

Fav 14 4598 1037
share tweet
(714): View more from California

You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.

Fav 15 3965 1045
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry

Fav 5 1775 901
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.

Fav 5 2641 1088
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains

Fav 11 2957 1508
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.

Fav 23 6681 908
share tweet
(619): View more from California

guys are not supposed to queef...right?

Fav 96 982 7298
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.

Fav 3 2966 1047
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.

Fav 9 1877 800
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"

Fav 26 1262 2040
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them

Fav 13 2835 922
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay

Fav 5 1127 2197
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.

Fav 4 885 2465
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.

Fav 4 2469 1109
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook

Fav 15 3374 1484
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.

Fav 5 1720 947
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...

Fav 19 2387 989
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!

Fav 7 3542 943
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.

(1-516): View more from New York

right. well we all have our lows.

Fav 4 1360 1642
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.

Fav 13 1093 2628
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.

Fav 8 3983 1234
share tweet
(650): View more from California

one two three fourrrrnication!

Fav 4 4008 973
share tweet
(415): View more from California

this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.

Fav 11 4229 1219
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Little spoons don't ask big questions

Fav 18 4752 1148
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...

Fav 17 4699 1044
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....

Fav 10 6714 1823
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?

Fav 20 1917 913
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car

Fav 3 2301 951
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.

Fav 41 9811 1751
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.

Fav 19 8239 1332
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.

Fav 8 1248 4556
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence

Fav 66 20826 1545
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....

Fav 5 1291 1117
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?

Fav 4 2060 1769
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.

Fav 9 1038 4165
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?

Fav 16 3538 2381
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.

Fav 11 2656 946
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.

Fav 14 3062 1492
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.

Fav 7 1660 1366
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?

Fav 7 4381 1012
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.

Fav 5 1073 2014
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.

Fav 2 1710 836
share tweet
(818): View more from California

you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.

Fav 11 2974 1037
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

Fav 2 2852 1089
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.

Fav 7 2182 968
share tweet
(580): View more from Oklahoma

I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.

Fav 31 6437 1297
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

I wish I could punch you in the face.

Fav 4 1767 931
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.

Fav 5 2220 1360
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.

(734): View more from Michigan

Your friend and I already don't get along

Fav 4 3828 1121
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I feel awful

(1-513): View more from Ohio

Physically or morally

(513): View more from Ohio

Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.

Fav 10 2883 1015
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.

Fav 6 3569 1057
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...

Fav 8 1173 2265
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf

Fav 6 1735 956
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!

Fav 8 3892 934
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism

(917): View more from New York City

cool. same. I'm in class drinking

(646): View more from New York

NOT OKAY

(917): View more from New York City

sorry for partying

(646): View more from New York

THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS

Fav 10 2914 1258
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.

Fav 10 1992 961
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.

Fav 6 2132 1079
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.

Fav 11 2097 1269
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.

Fav 2 2161 926
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?

Fav 6 1303 1830
share tweet
(731): View more from Tennessee

Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.

Fav 8 2931 1141
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...

Fav 5 2458 1250
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.

Fav 6 2324 942
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me

Fav 9 1940 1151
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.

(207): View more from Maine

HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.

Fav 21 3567 2474
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.

Fav 4 1546 1034
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.

Fav 4 2273 1607
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!

Fav 7 3099 1570
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur

Fav 8 5661 1815
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.

Fav 10 4284 1555
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.

(1-507): View more from Minnesota

We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.

Fav 21 2777 1260
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.

Fav 8 3526 1112
share tweet
(805): View more from California

He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex

(949): View more from California

How do you have pretend sex?

(805): View more from California

It was bad...so it was pretend

Fav 13 928 4142
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment

Fav 2 851 1649
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses

Fav 1 1719 1457
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.

Fav 60 8719 2067
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.

Fav 18 3807 1327
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery

Fav 17 4784 794
share tweet
(760): View more from California

I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.

Fav 57 21660 1906
share tweet
(310): View more from California

The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?

Fav 7 3066 1038
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?

Fav 9 1513 918
share tweet
(805): View more from California

Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.

Fav 6 1030 1947
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?

Fav 12 4531 1338
share tweet
(831): View more from California

I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE

Fav 29 5983 1291
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.

Fav 0 1994 1009
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?

(325): View more from Texas

Jail. That could go wrong.

Fav 5 2527 1034
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.

Fav 7 1562 1090
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon

Fav 4 1474 989
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.

Fav 80 14790 1420
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it

Fav 29 5665 2088
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.

Fav 34 5842 1066
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

Fav 41 5061 7903
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...

(623): View more from Arizona

What did she do!?

(602): View more from Arizona

I didn't tell her...

Fav 218 5741 25280
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.

Fav 13 1502 901
share tweet
(234): View more from Ohio

Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.

Fav 3 2057 945
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out

Fav 7 2430 1053
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Fear?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

FEAR.

Fav 5 3158 1151
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.

Fav 6 979 2279
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day

Fav 15 935 1811
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers

Fav 14 4437 1247
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.

Fav 2 2281 825
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.

Fav 4 2027 1054
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.

Fav 5 2253 946
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick

(732): View more from New Jersey

i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.

Fav 59 866 2565
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing

Fav 10 4589 1878
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.

Fav 16 7685 1514
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.

Fav 45 7927 1431
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick

Fav 5 1254 2439
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.

Fav 3 2176 933
share tweet
(916): View more from California

In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?

(1-916): View more from California

Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.

Fav 11 5394 1181
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.

Fav 5 2164 1307
share tweet
(805): View more from California

You are such a cockblock sometimes

(661): View more from California

You NEED a cockblock sometimes

Fav 10 4961 1351
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome

Fav 3 2186 1016
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.

Fav 17 5385 1049
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.

Fav 6 2300 1593
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.

Fav 7 1953 881
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.

(1-808): View more from Hawaii

Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?

Fav 4 1638 2137
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

Fav 51 17094 1832
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

Fav 109 45415 2757
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

I would never do this in real life. It's only college.

Fav 4 3080 1217
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.

Fav 7 3934 924
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.

Fav 17 1344 3536
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.

Fav 37 4306 896
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one

Fav 25 8384 1048
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works

Fav 10 2799 1131
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.

Fav 50 6132 1857
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.

Fav 6 2751 1053
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?

Fav 9 1881 1054
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar

(1-336): View more from North Carolina

Blow your rape whistle

Fav 22 3332 1395
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.

Fav 17 7813 1403
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.

Fav 5 4396 1004
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.

Fav 1 2313 1053
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes

Fav 9 864 2873
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.

Fav 5 3139 1158
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.

Fav 20 10093 1189
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.

(1-607): View more from New York

I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.

Fav 15 2705 1482
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club

Fav 8 5653 1407
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

when are you leaving homes?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51

(302): View more from Delaware

I had a sex dream about Oprah.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

go back to sleep

(302): View more from Delaware

dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.

Fav 16 1739 5761
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

Fav 842 146104 10755
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag

Fav 9 1535 4729
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.

Fav 4 2274 1093
share tweet
(925): View more from California

370HSSV 0773H read that upside down

(1-925): View more from California

what are you doing with your life

Fav 19 5535 1770
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.

Fav 4 2229 876
share tweet
(707): View more from California

come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.

Fav 17 2397 2855
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"

Fav 49 2604 9763
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.

Fav 14 3032 1219
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!

Fav 9 2998 1176
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.

Fav 9 3208 1198
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.

Fav 17 1455 3780
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

Fav 99 27492 1856
share tweet
(619): View more from California

I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.

Fav 8 2497 1163
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you

Fav 8 4193 1000
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you

Fav 8 3603 1507
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.

Fav 3 3070 1019
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone

Fav 5 1876 1139
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!

Fav 16 11154 1332
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.

Fav 6 3029 1009
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.

Fav 6 1687 2560
share tweet
(949): View more from California

youre so sexy i want your bod

(410): View more from Maryland

dude, did you turn gay?

(949): View more from California

heather?

(410): View more from Maryland

this is jacob

Fav 14 1623 2477
share tweet
(831): View more from California

She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs

Fav 7 3423 1523
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.

Fav 15 3710 1153
share tweet
(510): View more from California

In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...

Fav 9 5503 1194
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.

Fav 13 4544 1693
share tweet
(925): View more from California

she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"

Fav 15 4866 1278
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

fuck the hobbit

(301): View more from Maryland

what about unicorns?

(732): View more from New Jersey

fuck those pointy horses

Fav 9 3083 1152
share tweet
(858): View more from California

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass

Fav 19 3639 1112
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

Can we have unprotected sex soon?

(270): View more from Kentucky

Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner

Fav 5 2005 1006
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".

(416): View more from Toronto

That's about an "8" on normal scales.

Fav 7 3040 1283
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?

Fav 41 3441 821
share tweet
(818): View more from California

he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came

(323): View more from California

i love that song!

(818): View more from California

NOT THE POINT

Fav 19 7863 1798
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?

Fav 25 1207 2991
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.

Fav 5 2533 1174
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.

Fav 23 3363 1275
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.

Fav 9 2660 1409
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.

Fav 8 5524 1330
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

Fav 58 15472 2160
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

Fav 190 59121 5678
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

Fav 180 38253 5880
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.

Fav 15 3502 1490
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.

Fav 10 6678 1483
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.

Fav 6 2402 1069
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread

Fav 6 2294 1338
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?

Fav 17 5440 1368
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome

Fav 32 967 9499
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Every perfect package comes with a warning label.

Fav 25 4155 1476
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.

Fav 17 1298 5427
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.

Fav 16 1778 2225
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much

Fav 7 2699 855
share tweet
(310): View more from California

So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.

Fav 51 15719 2861
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil

Fav 14 882 4303
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.

Fav 17 1119 5123
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.

Fav 7 3058 911
share tweet
(559): View more from California

He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.

Fav 6 1379 2741
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.

Fav 6 1254 3452
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

My lips are sealed. Both pairs.

Fav 11 3556 1337
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.

Fav 6 1235 2493
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.

Fav 6 1648 1398
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.

Fav 8 1163 2662
share tweet
(707): View more from California

I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.

(1-707): View more from California

is that even a sentence?

Fav 13 3604 1448
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.

Fav 6 3496 1186
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.

Fav 12 3659 2179
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.

Fav 14 3348 1082
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?

Fav 10 2978 956
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.

Fav 3 2086 941
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

Thanks, mom.

Fav 25 2300 4968
share tweet
(650): View more from California

I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.

Fav 7 1788 939
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.

Fav 14 3970 1265
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.

Fav 35 12220 1310
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game

Fav 36 7508 874
share tweet
(957): View more from

I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.

Fav 9 6193 1397
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.

Fav 13 2740 1265
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?

Fav 11 4161 1767
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together

(770): View more from Georgia

The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy

Fav 7 3225 1017
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.

Fav 15 2604 1453
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.

Fav 23 5083 803
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.

Fav 9 2358 921
share tweet
(661): View more from California

fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.

Fav 5 3640 891
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.

Fav 5 1757 885
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.

Fav 3 947 1837
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.

Fav 6 3177 1015
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.

(856): View more from New Jersey

Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits

Fav 19 5576 1225
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"

Fav 14 3190 1183
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before

Fav 6 2932 1192
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night

Fav 17 5504 1546
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.

Fav 7 1381 4437
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory

Fav 15 4412 914
share tweet
(228): View more from Mississippi

Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?

Fav 37 5103 1163
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

Fav 42 28637 1529
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.

Fav 12 9251 1996
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.

Fav 17 979 3586
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.

Fav 16 867 4480
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished

Fav 8 4059 1595
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

he confused my yawn for an orgasm

Fav 14 1383 6938
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Slut skills are useful in every country.

Fav 14 4879 998
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..

Fav 5 3205 1830
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.

Fav 7 3625 1655
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

Fav 34 26488 2349
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Houston, we have a squirter

Fav 25 6936 1770
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.

Fav 7 6284 1804
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

Fav 14 12316 1863
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.

Fav 19 6915 1406
share tweet
(+49): View more from Germany

Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.

Fav 6 3151 1309
share tweet
(619): View more from California

he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up

Fav 5 2426 1297
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

i jhust puked up my retainher.

Fav 3 948 1539
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...

Fav 22 904 5747
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight

Fav 17 3452 929
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.

Fav 11 5712 1242
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.

Fav 19 1476 6874
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs

Fav 29 6628 933
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

you can....by speaking....

Fav 16 2767 3162
share tweet
(351): View more from Massachusetts

the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.

Fav 5 4774 1623
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

READY

(1-210): View more from Texas

for what?

(210): View more from Texas

TO HAVE SEXXXX

(1-210): View more from Texas

i think you have the wrong number

Fav 8 1368 2856
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?

(773): View more from Illinois

Too tired to pretend that I care : (

Fav 29 1452 8269
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?

Fav 7 3250 1191
share tweet
(807): View more from Ontario

If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right

Fav 3 4315 1287
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.

Fav 5 3302 1021
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"

Fav 4 4912 1228
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.

(864): View more from South Carolina

And I meant every ounce of it.

Fav 7 1593 2572
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

and you succeeded.

Fav 11 4752 1332
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem

Fav 19 5148 1062
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.

Fav 14 5497 1904
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

What's he like?

(954): View more from Florida

The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.

Fav 29 7894 1481
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

Fav 298 76382 3429
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.

Fav 19 5021 1269
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock

Fav 6 5130 1506
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

New invention idea: vibrating tampons

Fav 36 3870 1075
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark

Fav 4 3285 1090
share tweet
(310): View more from California

ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

Fav 175 7682 81665
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.

Fav 27 1317 3593
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

Fav 445 115831 11202
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann

(803): View more from South Carolina

honey you're def caucasian

(704): View more from North Carolina

i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z

Fav 4 1954 870
share tweet
(916): View more from California

Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?

Fav 15 7066 1936
share tweet
(226): View more from Ontario

forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.

Fav 15 8246 1440
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN

Fav 28 9120 1820
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.

Fav 25 9677 1358
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

Fav 82 27581 2040
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap

Fav 9 3956 1210
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

will power is for people who don't want to get laid

Fav 22 4293 1010
share tweet
(+44): View more from England

mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.

(+44): View more from England

"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"

Fav 32 4743 1743
share tweet
(323): View more from California

I totes stole your whore crown.

(239): View more from Florida

With great power comes great responsibility.

Fav 57 6366 1039
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!

Fav 20 3318 5171
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"

Fav 14 5679 1198
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

Fav 44 15905 1914
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal

Fav 29 22812 1338
share tweet
(707): View more from California

its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me

Fav 11 2100 3587
share tweet
(760): View more from California

if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel

Fav 6 3376 1515
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.

Fav 18 6975 1260
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I was like, "um, that's my butthole."

Fav 32 2118 6646
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.

Fav 24 7501 1052
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.

Fav 23 8749 5542
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

video games are the ultimate cock blocker

Fav 42 1106 4326
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!

Fav 63 1272 2463
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

my self respect just called, its having a good time without me

Fav 9 3437 1450
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?

Fav 3 2373 1116
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

Fav 37 19433 1705
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

Fav 36 22410 3678
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.

Fav 2 2333 2314
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

You don't think I'm weird or immature right?

(917): View more from New York City

No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets

Fav 40 5016 4280
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving

Fav 13 5063 1463
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

Fav 52 38162 2304
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.

Fav 56 7613 1515
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.

(519): View more from Ontario

She did the bend and snap...

Fav 29 8078 1498
share tweet
(619): View more from California

you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog

(716): View more from New York

do you not see the irony in that??

Fav 73 16812 1657
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.

Fav 8 4405 1155
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened

Fav 8 4603 1023
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.

Fav 8 3659 1018
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.

Fav 18 5751 1502
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.

Fav 11 6794 1635
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.

Fav 46 7421 1300
share tweet
(432): View more from Texas

TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!

Fav 47 5822 1197
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.

Fav 18 6187 1069
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.

Fav 46 1143 9975
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.

Fav 64 17764 2114
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier

Fav 6 8396 1363
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO

(908): View more from New Jersey

dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me

Fav 27 4522 1298
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand

Fav 6 2581 673
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.

Fav 36 8703 1645
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.

Fav 26 6412 1214
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

we have officially lost it.

Fav 3 1441 802
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

there are ass prints on the hood of my car.

Fav 10 3369 1341
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it

Fav 13 4723 1455
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!

Fav 12 4589 1242
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

Fav 87 26960 5268
share tweet
(650): View more from California

She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine

Fav 15 3772 1757
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?

(1-775): View more from Nevada

A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!

Fav 16 2040 2886
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

Fav 214 53081 3394
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate

Fav 3 2763 965
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?

Fav 6 1543 2494
share tweet
(+64): View more from New Zealand

I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.

Fav 4 2662 1382
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child

Fav 10 2453 1211
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!

Fav 45 6212 1666
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets

Fav 7 1466 2377
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3

Fav 4 4876 1449
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit

Fav 12 10081 1550
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Shittttttt.

(734): View more from Michigan

Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.

Fav 33 10303 1225
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh

(1-219): View more from Indiana

wow.

Fav 38 7035 3217
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

Fav 205 41516 3928
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

the new term for farting is butt boxing.

Fav 10 1299 1542
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.

Fav 16 9316 1485
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..

Fav 4 2481 1299
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.

Fav 17 4677 1300
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"

Fav 46 16788 1735
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

Fav 125 44240 1935
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

bitch

Fav 62 3554 5273
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds

Fav 23 4143 2235
share tweet
(650): View more from California

Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.

Fav 18 5735 1642
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

Fav 436 57260 7324
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

Fav 131 63492 2874
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

Fav 154 67667 4393
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.

Fav 140 2237 38908
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

Fav 156 7730 42054
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.

Fav 136 8446 56815
share tweet
(848): View more from New Jersey

I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa

Fav 152 6795 58681
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"

Fav 18 6929 1478
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better

Fav 7 1050 4672
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag

Fav 11 1741 4103
share tweet
(530): View more from California

I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will

Fav 4 3767 1025
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink

Fav 9 6735 1597
share tweet
(909): View more from California

Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.

Fav 22 2040 3722
share tweet
(905): View more from Toronto

Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..

(1-905): View more from Toronto

With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.

Fav 34 20580 2710
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.

Fav 27 9416 1284
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall

Fav 10 3191 2236
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....

Fav 27 1615 5664
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit

Fav 14 1502 4014
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect

Fav 1 2597 1295
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

The gym has a pool

(914): View more from New York

my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"

Fav 4 3540 1225
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it

Fav 16 3779 1823
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Can you return condoms to CVS?

(516): View more from New York

Only if you return your pride as well.

Fav 32 982 3932
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

Fav 131 32856 3009
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

That's science, my friend. Boner science.

Fav 7 3399 1352
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.

Fav 37 1592 5565
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.

Fav 6 3001 1463
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases

Fav 14 5461 1637
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.

Fav 1 2873 1018
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.

Fav 6 3797 1386
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.

Fav 12 2182 1484
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.

Fav 8 2073 1241
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.

Fav 11 3135 1621
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...

Fav 29 7422 3066
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

we're making bets on your personal life

Fav 14 4380 1495
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?

Fav 28 6842 1711
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.

Fav 11 6096 1550
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

youre lurking in front of me

Fav 4 1071 1001
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha

Fav 21 4083 903
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town

Fav 20 6053 1697
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.

Fav 3 1638 839
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...

Fav 27 7116 1379
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.

Fav 12 1184 2443
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead

Fav 8 1717 857
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

My brain says no but my pants say off.

Fav 7 5488 1093
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Church boner. Awkwardddd

Fav 43 3029 6022
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.

Fav 3 2793 1062
share tweet
(619): View more from California

surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.

Fav 4 1492 3640
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.

Fav 49 2634 5722
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?

(860): View more from Connecticut

Becoming a productive member of society?

(509): View more from Washington

Sam. Come on.

Fav 38 7117 1195
share tweet
(+26): View more from

Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY

Fav 30 7882 3079
share tweet
(418): View more from Quebec

I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate

Fav 5 1968 923
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.

Fav 29 1803 8791
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed

Fav 3 985 1155
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.

Fav 14 4921 894
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.

Fav 2 3704 1408
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.

Fav 14 5084 880
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.

Fav 5 808 1134
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat

Fav 30 6313 1638
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

wtf

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?

Fav 12 4558 1747
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.

(804): View more from Virginia

He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.

Fav 8 1171 2948
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"

Fav 6 5252 862
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.

Fav 5 4201 1225
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level

Fav 11 5784 1691
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.

Fav 12 7721 1271
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It's a beautiful day for a hangover

Fav 32 4740 1005
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.

Fav 48 1522 7178
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring

Fav 18 4831 1375
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."

Fav 8 5964 1178
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.

Fav 4 4297 1175
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.

Fav 15 4839 1292
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later

Fav 24 6553 1206
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo

Fav 2 1843 1004
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.

Fav 6 1098 4030
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.

Fav 13 1688 4857
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen

Fav 4 4081 1754
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.

Fav 12 4297 1750
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense

Fav 23 2172 5879
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.

Fav 26 6233 1623
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.

Fav 4 5523 1504
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!

Fav 7 1253 3243
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.

Fav 5 3378 1173
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.

Fav 18 3799 759
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.

Fav 9 3239 1090
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....

Fav 5 2503 1295
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.

Fav 7 3510 1081
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

we already have meals planned for the weekend.

(1-864): View more from South Carolina

SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.

Fav 13 5375 1414
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?

Fav 8 4053 1223
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

Fav 15 4860 1700
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer

Fav 11 6697 1263
share tweet
(714): View more from California

He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.

Fav 28 4362 2070
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone

Fav 14 3622 1739
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar

Fav 11 4884 2142
share tweet
(408): View more from California

you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"

Fav 14 7863 1441
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore

Fav 14 4144 1124
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.

Fav 27 1232 5985
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.

Fav 27 2156 7738
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.

Fav 31 5640 1759
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"

Fav 21 1497 5485
share tweet
(408): View more from California

I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.

Fav 14 7169 1670
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.

Fav 262 21110 2542
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.

Fav 19 4035 1847
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

I can't open my eyes

(925): View more from California

Lol why not?

(808): View more from Hawaii

Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk

Fav 4 1360 1542
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.

Fav 9 2373 1259
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

What do you think it is?

(615): View more from Tennessee

It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.

Fav 12 5538 2083
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

my mouth tastes like poor choices

Fav 29 1669 1190
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

you inspire me to be a worse person

Fav 6 3750 1559
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis

Fav 21 3473 1005
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I love boston

Fav 37 9028 1510
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.

Fav 12 5797 1288
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.

Fav 20 1307 6861
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"

Fav 54 11251 2128
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.

Fav 28 911 5392
share tweet
(818): View more from California

That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff

Fav 33 1041 8737
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here

Fav 3 1171 791
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.

Fav 5 2566 1107
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you

Fav 27 3690 4444
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I wish i was in the wii world.

Fav 5 3005 1140
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

Fav 42 11448 1728
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.

Fav 6 3904 829
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.

Fav 16 3799 994
share tweet
(530): View more from California

the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.

Fav 11 3937 1214
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.

Fav 17 1028 5390
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...

Fav 7 1508 5073
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.

Fav 21 1451 7950
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it

Fav 3 2384 982
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.

Fav 1 1520 2757
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.

Fav 7 3412 1223
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"

Fav 15 6324 1986
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas

Fav 13 3356 1234
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.

Fav 9 1554 3998
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.

Fav 4 5232 1258
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !

(1-716): View more from New York

How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'

Fav 48 9947 1397
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk

Fav 13 1170 4200
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone

(802): View more from Vermont

Tonite tequila might call you

(802): View more from Vermont

Be prepared

Fav 7 2837 851
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life

Fav 16 4916 1646
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."

Fav 18 6640 1706
share tweet
(361): View more from Texas

is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?

(702): View more from Nevada

not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning

Fav 23 3000 4739
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

let's bang

(773): View more from Illinois

You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.

Fav 68 1788 6787
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away

Fav 19 5729 1152
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?

Fav 42 1497 4355
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.

Fav 54 1087 4659
share tweet
(707): View more from California

I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister

Fav 7 2705 1075
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.

Fav 5 4404 1115
share tweet
(916): View more from California

The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.

Fav 9 5445 1748
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.

Fav 20 5031 1395
share tweet
(530): View more from California

just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life

Fav 28 8139 1044
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".

Fav 5 4213 1430
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....

Fav 16 1009 5477
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch

Fav 7 7340 1399
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on

Fav 1 1359 1938
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.

Fav 2 3391 1741
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY

Fav 12 2233 1338
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative

Fav 6 5837 1481
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.

Fav 6 3980 1340
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .

Fav 6 3185 1464
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.

Fav 4 3640 1151
share tweet
(381): View more from

I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.

Fav 15 1675 3570
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.

Fav 8 5057 1811
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters

Fav 30 5501 1516
share tweet
(805): View more from California

Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!

Fav 9 2907 1163
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.

Fav 12 6451 1610
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...

Fav 27 1380 4482
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands

Fav 37 1166 5918
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.

(260): View more from Indiana

Sorry- wrong number! :)

Fav 18 1849 5224
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.

Fav 27 12123 1681
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!

(253): View more from Washington

Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.

Fav 68 1557 3574
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.

Fav 16 2006 4335
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.

Fav 11 6099 1311
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.

Fav 111 2919 36823
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?

Fav 98 5676 55435
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.

Fav 2 1096 2058
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.

Fav 5 1310 1599
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.

Fav 9 4014 1219
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

some bitch filled my sink with salsa.

Fav 10 2641 1751
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

Are my feet made of real feet?

Fav 17 6174 1415
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.

Fav 8 6625 1264
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo

(810): View more from Michigan

With himself

Fav 1 1159 1291
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"

Fav 4 1362 2907
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?

Fav 11 1546 4491
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.

Fav 100 4359 906
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.

Fav 3 2381 1197
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you

Fav 4 2410 1388
share tweet
(562): View more from California

that was a gay-test. you passed.

(1-562): View more from California

with flying rainbow colors i hope!

Fav 13 4184 961
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did

Fav 9 2886 1410
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.

Fav 8 3781 1598
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"

Fav 19 11272 1630
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.

Fav 7 4567 1149
share tweet
(858): View more from California

Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?

Fav 7 3789 1445
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.

Fav 7 3835 1528
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"

Fav 3 3616 1173
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.

Fav 8 2791 1159
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.

Fav 5 2263 1254
share tweet
(619): View more from California

It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.

Fav 7 3695 1275
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...

Fav 7 4249 1209
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"

Fav 5 3199 1388
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"

Fav 6 2600 1543
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.

Fav 15 8119 1220
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question

Fav 7 3505 1348
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?

Fav 25 2264 4629
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.

Fav 11 4524 1542
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.

Fav 5 2219 1334
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.

Fav 16 1273 7039
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.

Fav 2 2626 2415
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.

Fav 10 1635 3238
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.

Fav 42 2605 4945
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes

Fav 10 4561 1209
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed

Fav 43 2390 14612
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..

Fav 57 1345 16488
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

Fav 249 68668 3917
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

Fav 1642 173880 44331
share tweet