Texts From Last Night · TtotheHort's Favorites

Sorry Kage250 hasn't picked any favorites yet.

TtotheHort's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(316): View more from Kansas

At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment

Fav 4 1623 750
share tweet
(714): View more from California

You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.

Fav 2 1853 777
share tweet

(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?

Fav 7 1682 820
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.

Fav 12 6942 1204
share tweet
(424): View more from California

You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.

(1-424): View more from California

The hell is wrong with me

Fav 4 1505 1010
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.

Fav 4 1799 814
share tweet

(514): View more from Quebec

He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?

Fav 15 1207 1972
share tweet

(859): View more from Kentucky

When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"

Fav 6 3576 1917
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.

Fav 2 1790 819
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.

Fav 6 3385 970
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.

Fav 13 1583 1224
share tweet

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.

Fav 9 3413 942
share tweet

(214): View more from Texas

I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship

Fav 3 1439 833
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.

Fav 9 1524 1689
share tweet

(774): View more from Massachusetts

It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.

Fav 6 1431 956
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...

Fav 5 1507 715
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross

Fav 18 1330 3276
share tweet
(530): View more from California

My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans

(530): View more from California

You've been usurped as King of the Gays

Fav 19 2136 1035
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness

Fav 2 711 1084
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.

(206): View more from Washington

The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!

Fav 8 2136 998
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke

Fav 1 690 1492
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.

Fav 19 1356 2177
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar

Fav 8 846 2271
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I will be naked everywhere

Fav 4 2135 1190
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.

Fav 10 2230 829
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.

Fav 5 2842 921
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude

Fav 10 2034 847
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Wanna skype?

(1-425): View more from Washington

Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.

Fav 7 2686 1164
share tweet
(831): View more from California

I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.

Fav 8 2514 881
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.

Fav 35 3419 1077
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.

Fav 29 2463 1704
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.

(1-701): View more from North Dakota

Jesus, are you hammered?

(701): View more from North Dakota

Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.

Fav 26 4380 1271
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol

Fav 10 1986 1282
share tweet
(619): View more from California

I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.

Fav 10 1715 1077
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

You went to jail last night?!

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

Just a little bit.

Fav 24 4255 1296
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.

(1-518): View more from New York

Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.

Fav 5 2708 1164
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.

(1-720): View more from Colorado

You sound pretty unsure about all of this.

Fav 5 2740 1068
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.

Fav 14 2400 907
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior

Fav 20 4500 1628
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?

Fav 9 1769 1170
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..

Fav 9 2482 1061
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.

Fav 11 5909 1543
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.

Fav 4 2386 931
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.

Fav 4 823 1263
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains

Fav 11 2959 1509
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.

Fav 11 3866 1052
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

well in DOG beers, i've only had one

Fav 20 5842 1256
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."

Fav 5 3077 1034
share tweet
(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.

Fav 11 2601 1845
share tweet
(707): View more from California

Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god

Fav 9 1812 1712
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.

Fav 6 4259 1092
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ

Fav 15 3704 1563
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.

Fav 9 4445 1248
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman

Fav 6 2285 979
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

What time did you start drinking?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe isn't a time...

Fav 14 6517 1247
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.

Fav 20 7265 1223
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

Fav 41 8711 1719
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT

Fav 19 2710 1578
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.

Fav 15 2521 1205
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.

Fav 2 1226 900
share tweet
(760): View more from California

PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.

Fav 12 3119 1076
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?

Fav 10 846 1904
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.

Fav 11 883 2317
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

It was pathetic and I was covered in butter

Fav 5 1603 1072
share tweet
(244): View more from

There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other

Fav 2 2030 1028
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT

Fav 21 7419 1163
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.

Fav 5 1935 1553
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.

Fav 9 4364 1043
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

Its gonna be a symphony of fucks

Fav 7 1964 897
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.

Fav 13 2247 1355
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.

Fav 4 1093 849
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?

Fav 6 755 2186
share tweet
(916): View more from California

God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.

Fav 12 2620 1091
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.

Fav 6 1479 981
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.

Fav 6 2419 984
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

I feel like everything in this room is sweating

Fav 2 1001 1388
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face

Fav 7 849 2174
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.

Fav 20 6947 1192
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.

Fav 9 4006 1066
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.

Fav 9 2281 993
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers

Fav 10 1793 1179
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

you goin out tonight?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

who is this.

(302): View more from Delaware

your orgasm for tonight

Fav 12 5472 1126
share tweet
(909): View more from California

It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?

Fav 8 2174 1022
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.

Fav 5 1892 1273
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.

Fav 12 1135 2015
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.

Fav 5 2768 985
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?

Fav 5 806 1904
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.

Fav 8 3236 988
share tweet
(707): View more from California

And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa

Fav 12 2240 1191
share tweet
(559): View more from California

there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.

Fav 11 2839 1203
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass

Fav 3 3756 1346
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

There were penises being pulled out everywhere.

Fav 17 2276 1025
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.

Fav 12 3073 1153
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life

Fav 6 3181 1794
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Whatever you gave me is making me lactate

Fav 8 1030 3125
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

I booty called her while she was in labor.

Fav 19 1513 6458
share tweet
(575): View more from New Mexico

I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE

Fav 8 4252 1179
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?

Fav 16 3192 1013
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.

Fav 7 4439 1210
share tweet
(510): View more from California

It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.

Fav 4 2499 950
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.

(406): View more from Montana

Hospital.

(509): View more from Washington

I am invincible.

Fav 10 2825 1492
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.

Fav 9 3518 1201
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.

Fav 3 1440 1704
share tweet
(408): View more from California

I miss the smell of you or some shit.

Fav 23 3331 1597
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor

Fav 3 1678 1215
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up

Fav 4 1264 1965
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple

Fav 11 2179 1207
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.

Fav 7 2418 919
share tweet
(408): View more from California

I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete

Fav 9 3185 985
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Come over. Drunk tacos.

(1-214): View more from Texas

That isn't even a sentence.

(214): View more from Texas

I kept the important parts.

Fav 8 5128 1226
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.

Fav 5 1531 3011
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Be still, my beating vagina.

Fav 22 4817 1445
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.

Fav 4 1904 1441
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off

Fav 10 3787 1728
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

I want her autograph on my taint

Fav 3 1474 1346
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.

Fav 6 2402 1070
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.

Fav 5 1098 1706
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?

Fav 11 4163 1769
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend

Fav 4 2174 853
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

How did you break your hand eating pizza?

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Boxes are hard to see rocks through.

Fav 7 3003 1178
share tweet
(209): View more from California

What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?

Fav 20 3567 1483
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.

Fav 13 2741 1265
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where the hell are you

(706): View more from Georgia

He's winning.

Fav 23 6118 1557
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.

Fav 5 1189 2018
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.

Fav 4 4008 1185
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?

Fav 12 3615 1148
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.

Fav 4 2969 1131
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.

Fav 8 1087 2773
share tweet
(044): View more from

I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.

Fav 8 1926 1641
share tweet
(510): View more from California

Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"

Fav 7 2855 1161
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..

Fav 3 2978 1557
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.

Fav 10 1326 2426
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!

Fav 16 3452 1479
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.

Fav 10 3346 1139
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"

Fav 3 5753 1296
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?

Fav 7 3250 1193
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.

Fav 7 2812 1456
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand

Fav 12 3381 1107
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.

Fav 11 2395 1697
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos

Fav 11 5001 1254
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

Fav 14 12322 1866
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.

Fav 13 3172 1408
share tweet
(562): View more from California

He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome

Fav 6 2829 1013
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I have surprise drugs for everyone

Fav 11 3090 1197
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens

Fav 9 4031 1311
share tweet
(707): View more from California

We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.

Fav 9 1609 2606
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.

Fav 4 2965 1115
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.

Fav 20 1295 4230
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music

Fav 7 3149 1666
share tweet
(559): View more from California

Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.

Fav 7 3108 1161
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7

Fav 3 2975 1229
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?

Fav 10 2604 1139
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

I've ID'd the nipple biter.

Fav 6 2493 1666
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens

Fav 5 4039 1211
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.

Fav 16 5471 1447
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

Fav 17 9492 1645
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".

Fav 5 2743 1275
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.

Fav 50 2757 5910
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car

Fav 9 2123 1359
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.

Fav 15 5781 1343
share tweet
(787): View more from Puerto Rico

He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.

Fav 21 5019 1510
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?

(312): View more from Illinois

I get to be your mom.

Fav 11 4062 1732
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.

Fav 16 6691 1667
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.

Fav 10 3623 1696
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...

Fav 6 2314 1160
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?

Fav 13 6748 1722
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.

Fav 9 4446 1374
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?

Fav 8 1235 2693
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK

Fav 10 1677 3284
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

That's science, my friend. Boner science.

Fav 7 3400 1355
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher

Fav 5 2591 1305
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.

Fav 3 1987 1076
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.

Fav 9 3629 1348
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?

(607): View more from New York

Nevermind, it's in the dryer.

Fav 6 3754 1214
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy

Fav 2 2750 1312
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him

Fav 4 2786 1048
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up

Fav 5 2975 905
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.

Fav 11 2734 1930
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.

Fav 12 4497 1232
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.

Fav 5 3044 1251
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.

Fav 12 3850 1129
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.

Fav 5 3946 1264
share tweet
(530): View more from California

Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.

Fav 12 1906 2923
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".

Fav 19 7266 1484
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.

Fav 8 2588 1407
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged

Fav 16 5134 3194
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.

Fav 28 5164 1884
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

Fav 15 4861 1701
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.

Fav 9 4517 1400
share tweet
(325): View more from Texas

I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.

Fav 6 2104 2392
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT

Fav 6 3060 968
share tweet
(925): View more from California

This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.

Fav 16 3761 1230
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"

Fav 12 4194 1232
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.

Fav 8 5454 1637
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water

Fav 8 3547 1094
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.

Fav 8 5158 1207
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away

Fav 10 3870 1319
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads

Fav 4 2718 1206
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.

Fav 7 3312 1754
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same

Fav 6 2877 1629
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.

Fav 13 2169 3693
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.

Fav 2 2290 941
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.

Fav 10 3786 1358
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you

Fav 12 4290 1318
share tweet
(916): View more from California

I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.

Fav 4 1297 2870
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .

Fav 6 3186 1465
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I just found a bag of teeth...

Fav 18 1626 5041
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

he tried to breastfeed my turtle

Fav 16 1929 3096
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it

Fav 15 3134 2133
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".

Fav 18 5752 1667
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.

Fav 6 2362 1173
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.

Fav 14 5498 1905
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!

Fav 19 1456 2661
share tweet
(626): View more from California

How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.

Fav 12 2884 1364
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.

Fav 8 1154 4548
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.

Fav 3 1772 1143
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.

Fav 8 2458 1793
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?

Fav 25 2266 4629
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.

Fav 11 4525 1543
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.

Fav 6 3993 1269
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...

Fav 9 3287 1214
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.

Fav 7 2288 1250
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy

Fav 7 1345 2812
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

then he tried to convert me to islam

Fav 23 1769 5362
share tweet
(415): View more from California

sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.

Fav 24 5465 1577
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

i wish i coudl send you meat via computure

Fav 3 2202 1050
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.

Fav 18 2781 3054
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment

Fav 9 5348 2341
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'

Fav 7 3219 1391
share tweet
(760): View more from California

If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone

Fav 20 8502 1572
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.

Fav 18 1947 7174
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?

Fav 16 1272 2503
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.

Fav 11 4713 2087
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA

Fav 21 1809 4205
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.

Fav 11 2993 1334
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.

Fav 7 4310 1563
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.

Fav 13 2515 1441
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY

Fav 8 2498 1488
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u

Fav 21 4499 1334
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD

Fav 10 1271 3459
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters

Fav 7 2793 1338
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy

Fav 11 4333 1186
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.

Fav 9 1452 3220
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome

Fav 9 5416 1196
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.

Fav 15 6611 1403
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine

Fav 27 6218 1569
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?

Fav 9 1203 2297
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.

Fav 10 5175 1279
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.

Fav 21 4963 1877
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night

Fav 7 3312 1044
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.

Fav 14 1469 2985
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass

Fav 10 3040 1419
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.

Fav 10 6168 1260
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

You're like the curious george of whores

Fav 5 3845 1097
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?

Fav 15 1406 3119
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me

Fav 9 1192 3309
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.

Fav 8 3201 1204
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?

(1-850): View more from Florida

Her vagina devoured it.

Fav 8 5434 1545
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.

Fav 11 5710 1150
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.

Fav 4 1377 2995
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me

Fav 4 3245 1363
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.

Fav 10 4286 1581
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

where are you?

(240): View more from Maryland

Hypothermia

Fav 20 2840 4503
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this

Fav 2 2976 1279
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.

Fav 9 5613 1351
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party

Fav 12 4134 1449
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.

Fav 17 4955 1490
share tweet
(308): View more from Nebraska

You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.

Fav 13 5735 1460
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.

Fav 6 3536 1055
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?

Fav 12 3964 1366
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.

Fav 5 1105 3744
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.

Fav 4 4582 1055
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.

Fav 13 2887 4907
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

when I sang my humps to you I meant it.

Fav 2 3686 1047
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?

Fav 5 3638 1522
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.

Fav 5 4088 1014
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.

Fav 8 1521 3918
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."

Fav 8 4913 1294
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.

Fav 8 2288 1100
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context

Fav 4 2679 1238
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.

Fav 19 7007 1967
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

You coming home soon, man?

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

HENBARSCLOSE

Fav 7 4322 1087
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.

Fav 4 1159 2777
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.

Fav 13 4262 1319
share tweet
(916): View more from California

I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.

Fav 5 3660 1021
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it

Fav 5 3258 1406
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.

Fav 15 6488 2377
share tweet
(276): View more from Virginia

Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.

Fav 7 3181 1222
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

She bit a glass in half.

Fav 11 1603 3718
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.

Fav 11 5713 1242
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.

Fav 6 1151 2690
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out

Fav 9 1265 4463
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

Fav 16 10635 1513
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.

Fav 11 4050 1106
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.

Fav 7 5688 1686
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night

Fav 11 3005 1245
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.

Fav 3 1101 2657
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".

Fav 6 1055 3941
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.

Fav 3 2610 1256
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home

(254): View more from Texas

Challenge accepted.

Fav 8 6592 1292
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat

Fav 11 3335 1723
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.

Fav 4 4395 1639
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster

Fav 13 1318 3797
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

this must be what syphilis tastes like

Fav 15 1058 6342
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there

Fav 12 4508 1792
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.

Fav 22 2278 9000
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up

Fav 35 7992 1550
share tweet
(626): View more from California

We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.

Fav 14 3628 1611
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.

Fav 15 4201 1341
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him

Fav 4 2579 1968
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.

Fav 5 4368 1244
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.

Fav 12 2896 1190
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?

Fav 19 5777 1323
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?

Fav 6 2321 1338
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.

Fav 4 3331 998
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?

Fav 11 1637 2862
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.

Fav 17 1312 2613
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine

Fav 7 2470 1249
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.

Fav 6 4743 1152
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests

Fav 10 4192 1274
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.

Fav 9 8655 1424
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn

Fav 5 2859 1460
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.

Fav 12 1687 2608
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face

Fav 9 4430 1169
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."

Fav 12 12056 1478
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

She's the barista slut.

Fav 14 2839 1208
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you

Fav 17 4497 1597
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.

Fav 17 8327 2500
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch

Fav 10 4848 1029
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.

Fav 14 6177 1465
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.

Fav 25 6606 2304
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.

Fav 22 1406 4713
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.

Fav 4 5235 1258
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster

Fav 9 2952 1382
share tweet
(951): View more from California

apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.

Fav 10 2530 1300
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness

Fav 8 2766 1106
share tweet
(650): View more from California

OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.

Fav 37 10258 2619
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"

Fav 19 4800 2361
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far

Fav 11 6171 1598
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.

Fav 14 4057 2228
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.

Fav 9 2959 1822
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.

Fav 19 6915 1409
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.

Fav 11 4842 1297
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The Swedes wanted a tensome.

Fav 19 5837 1313
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby

Fav 13 4687 1838
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

Fav 56 16897 1916
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of

Fav 10 3905 1228
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.

Fav 8 3542 1382
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie

Fav 5 3323 1065
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted

Fav 6 3790 1201
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now

Fav 41 6859 1590
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

If i need to get strippers involved i will.

Fav 17 3652 1155
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

We are two peas in an std pod

Fav 12 1217 5879
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."

Fav 7 972 3356
share tweet
(+30): View more from

Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi

Fav 13 6496 1551
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.

Fav 10 4249 1233
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.

Fav 20 3591 3062
share tweet
(619): View more from California

i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die

Fav 18 1564 5311
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.

Fav 6 1372 2567
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?

Fav 20 1406 4013
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

i think the doormans mad at me

(773): View more from Illinois

well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...

Fav 12 1591 2829
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.

Fav 5 2962 1200
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.

Fav 9 7030 1512
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out

Fav 4 1085 2775
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.

Fav 30 15360 1685
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice

Fav 11 3594 1297
share tweet
(707): View more from California

I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.

Fav 26 1605 4374
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.

Fav 8 1554 4291
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it

Fav 5 1230 3271
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.

Fav 19 5021 1270
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...

Fav 16 3174 1320
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"

Fav 22 1355 5016
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.

Fav 6 3162 1039
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone

Fav 13 4733 1086
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

Fav 50 20776 2684
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?

Fav 8 4529 1238
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.

Fav 5 2963 1007
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.

Fav 14 1474 4908
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.

Fav 3 3010 1161
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again

Fav 25 7025 1609
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked

Fav 5 3850 1040
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.

Fav 11 3377 2127
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.

Fav 5 3275 1227
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

i want to swaddle you in tequila

Fav 4 2904 1097
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.

Fav 14 5889 2494
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".

Fav 5 3279 1181
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place

Fav 9 1493 4829
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall

Fav 4 4324 1728
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.

Fav 15 4926 1177
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.

Fav 9 4826 2164
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

My grandma had to be escorted out by police.

Fav 18 7323 1289
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?

Fav 14 1616 4424
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.

Fav 6 2471 1439
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours

Fav 17 1311 3066
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

he fucked my hip out of place.

Fav 11 5515 1253
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.

Fav 13 8565 1644
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?

Fav 10 5441 2175
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.

Fav 4 2506 1606
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time

Fav 15 4476 1525
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...

Fav 16 4113 1285
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?

Fav 6 3051 1237
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.

Fav 7 3617 1434
share tweet
(325): View more from Texas

As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,

Fav 11 4467 1899
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok

(850): View more from Florida

They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good

Fav 10 7054 2287
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?

Fav 13 5354 1469
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson

Fav 7 3981 1035
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.

Fav 12 1340 3032
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.

Fav 6 5734 1270
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat

Fav 3 1338 3487
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge

Fav 10 4563 1571
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster

Fav 15 3690 1400
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.

Fav 23 2069 6167
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

Fav 71 25980 2506
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal

Fav 11 5075 2382
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon

(1-631): View more from New York

wow.

Fav 20 5135 1885
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table

Fav 24 1528 4632
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.

Fav 6 5907 1144
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.

Fav 17 4586 1535
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there

Fav 12 5526 1517
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.

Fav 7 3377 1262
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.

Fav 6 4284 1226
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass

Fav 17 3351 2909
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome

Fav 8 5403 1732
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.

Fav 8 3899 1184
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian

Fav 30 7270 3270
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.

Fav 11 7419 1261
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me

Fav 8 3371 1063
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

So....maintenance found the bullethole.....

Fav 22 5735 2762
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.

Fav 6 3899 1262
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.

Fav 6 1214 3148
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent

Fav 9 1287 4128
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose

Fav 9 1702 4291
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.

Fav 5 4145 1106
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?

Fav 13 4526 1876
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday

Fav 7 2635 1324
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay

Fav 4 3755 1381
share tweet
(951): View more from California

I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved

Fav 7 1303 2680
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.

Fav 8 3106 1653
share tweet
(510): View more from California

Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.

Fav 7 1658 2914
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.

Fav 14 5779 1409
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.

Fav 17 3976 1798
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.

Fav 5 1439 4307
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.

Fav 7 1032 2546
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.

Fav 12 6971 2292
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.

Fav 13 6586 1957
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated

Fav 6 1179 3570
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?

Fav 9 1488 4552
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall

Fav 11 4173 1763
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.

Fav 4 7141 1389
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.

Fav 5 4201 1226
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.

Fav 15 6622 2289
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room

Fav 5 5378 2335
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking

Fav 8 1690 3193
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy

Fav 3 3374 1253
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.

Fav 8 4055 1804
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

Fav 22 11149 2458
share tweet
(+66): View more from Thailand

A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure

Fav 24 7184 2157
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers

Fav 14 4074 1521
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

Fav 12 14090 1680
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high

Fav 11 5342 1613
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.

Fav 5 4100 1229
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.

Fav 11 1053 3714
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.

Fav 15 5698 1390
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks

Fav 3 4320 1288
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup

Fav 20 1977 5761
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"

Fav 20 7245 1851
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.

Fav 6 3014 1190
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.

Fav 17 1654 3552
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.

Fav 22 6827 1780
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in

Fav 8 4344 2263
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole

Fav 4 2341 1225
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...

Fav 50 11815 3029
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.

Fav 18 4917 1533
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better

Fav 4 1088 4008
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?

Fav 8 1880 2866
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

he just came in and straightened the chair and left again

Fav 4 2717 1068
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear

Fav 14 2202 4322
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions

Fav 6 3671 1256
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"

Fav 2 3696 1058
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

We need a plan...

(1-512): View more from Texas

Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.

Fav 36 6803 1279
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.

Fav 20 3562 1449
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!

(508): View more from Massachusetts

because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.

Fav 20 9622 1698
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?

(1-740): View more from Ohio

2.5

Fav 7 4837 1304
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.

Fav 11 2756 1985
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.

Fav 8 3373 1902
share tweet
(626): View more from California

i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen

Fav 4 3247 1320
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet

Fav 7 4932 1226
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me

Fav 12 1294 6012
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.

Fav 11 5146 1707
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.

Fav 10 4202 1306
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"

Fav 23 5170 2280
share tweet
(707): View more from California

You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.

Fav 6 4576 1516
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?

(1-218): View more from Minnesota

Both?

Fav 21 9781 1538
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

Fav 34 15081 1932
share tweet
(949): View more from California

you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.

Fav 7 3969 1268
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.

Fav 7 3774 1197
share tweet
(805): View more from California

my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.

Fav 16 7314 1334
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Dude you has no fucking this poptart

(719): View more from Colorado

What?

(843): View more from South Carolina

I dont know to explain this.

Fav 35 7092 1831
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.

Fav 15 1396 4663
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.

Fav 16 6145 1696
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.

Fav 16 2279 4137
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.

Fav 14 3534 1966
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner

Fav 9 6553 1278
share tweet
(+41): View more from Switzerland

I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples

Fav 16 1398 5439
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits

Fav 15 1229 4284
share tweet
(213): View more from California

Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.

Fav 3 2530 1348
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.

Fav 6 3563 1156
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself

Fav 29 2498 4694
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.

Fav 10 4785 1290
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

this is really not the time to pretend we have morals

Fav 10 5270 1372
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.

Fav 8 4689 1243
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury

Fav 17 5782 1368
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire

Fav 3 3486 1221
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?

Fav 9 5692 1305
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.

Fav 2 4025 1476
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.

Fav 5 1249 4706
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!

Fav 20 8328 1349
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this

Fav 40 2207 6953
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

did u get his digits?

(201): View more from New Jersey

yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...

Fav 8 5378 1322
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you

Fav 16 4928 1392
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye

Fav 12 1483 2992
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."

Fav 11 7430 1907
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.

Fav 20 5890 1510
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon

Fav 12 2332 2921
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store

Fav 8 6521 1413
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.

Fav 11 7928 1589
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?

Fav 5 4115 1269
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..

Fav 11 1564 4804
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.

Fav 18 4283 1279
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..

Fav 7 1156 2243
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!

Fav 28 6892 1901
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

that's what penises do

(254): View more from Texas

they tell lies.

Fav 14 5054 1732
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away

Fav 11 5693 1455
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

it's great music for shaving your balls

Fav 25 4163 2047
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.

Fav 14 2450 8036
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.

Fav 36 8704 1647
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.

Fav 26 7919 1645
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

My vagina just recognized that song.

Fav 7 3387 1076
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms

Fav 12 1156 4056
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.

Fav 9 1654 4772
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

This beer is not sobering me up at all

Fav 13 8185 1578
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.

Fav 28 4548 3004
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way

Fav 22 5581 1892
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"

Fav 12 5861 1606
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.

Fav 24 2518 3821
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.

Fav 18 7047 1558
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.

Fav 25 5949 1515
share tweet
(408): View more from California

It's chlamydia! Thank God!

Fav 25 1883 8711
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.

Fav 10 6007 1995
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.

Fav 9 5176 1416
share tweet
(949): View more from California

hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk

Fav 7 1525 4157
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.

Fav 12 10664 1699
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina

Fav 22 1189 5470
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...

Fav 40 1554 4048
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

there were a lot.

Fav 29 6856 1467
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.

Fav 29 4738 1447
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

Fav 44 15610 1984
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick

Fav 18 2195 5920
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit

Fav 18 4248 1888
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...

Fav 76 2644 7129
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it

Fav 29 5667 2089
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??

(1-925): View more from California

Yes. Yes it is.

Fav 12 4740 2162
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

God, you're like boner-b-gone

Fav 10 1545 5949
share tweet
(818): View more from California

he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror

Fav 14 6600 2078
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk

Fav 21 1886 4198
share tweet
(925): View more from California

It smells like ranch

(925): View more from California

Must be all the white people

Fav 52 5930 2302
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan

Fav 20 8327 1969
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..

Fav 24 1230 4763
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake

Fav 42 9236 1808
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage

Fav 22 2077 7630
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on

Fav 17 10852 1529
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?

(1-678): View more from Georgia

630.

Fav 22 7137 1580
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.

Fav 12 2111 6355
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

Fav 48 13250 2054
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.

Fav 12 4761 967
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..

Fav 7 4261 1974
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me

Fav 19 5594 2123
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.

Fav 25 11943 1625
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!

Fav 66 1551 17567
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.

Fav 33 2585 5435
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.

Fav 47 12198 2843
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here

Fav 13 2311 5172
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow

Fav 10 1977 4548
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter

Fav 36 2354 6049
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3

Fav 20 2162 4046
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.

(480): View more from Arizona

What will that accomplish?

(602): View more from Arizona

It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.

Fav 23 8641 1945
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.

Fav 11 5919 2179
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.

Fav 23 8750 5545
share tweet
(415): View more from California

is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?

Fav 7 3800 1419
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes

Fav 22 1700 5387
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

Fav 88 15149 3443
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"

Fav 12 5936 1564
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint

(203): View more from Connecticut

i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you

Fav 10 5657 1574
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter

Fav 10 4581 1513
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.

Fav 20 1748 5280
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way

Fav 12 7677 1352
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon

Fav 18 4994 1790
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?

Fav 42 2242 5845
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat

Fav 11 4634 1788
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.

Fav 23 2677 4954
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now

Fav 12 1765 5335
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I was literally just a half conscious dildo.

Fav 16 4742 1802
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.

Fav 8 1314 5513
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?

Fav 8 5825 1506
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.

Fav 24 1624 5322
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.

(214): View more from Texas

Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.

(817): View more from Texas

You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.

Fav 35 10992 1774
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.

Fav 9 5183 1681
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.

Fav 16 1020 5552
share tweet
(530): View more from California

We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.

Fav 17 4669 1362
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?

Fav 12 3547 1230
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want

Fav 39 7481 1809
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.

Fav 19 2029 4377
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.

Fav 31 1887 5166
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.

Fav 44 5593 1673
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike

(303): View more from Colorado

you still have morals?

(443): View more from Maryland

Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole

Fav 46 10201 1913
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.

Fav 11 1010 3279
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.

Fav 30 9547 1510
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Apparently senior citizens don't like that position

Fav 34 1442 5792
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go

Fav 15 5654 1770
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex

Fav 23 6885 1477
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians

(503): View more from Oregon

How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?

Fav 20 5582 1462
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?

Fav 24 7804 1457
share tweet
(+91): View more from India

Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.

Fav 34 1926 4289
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys

Fav 21 1562 3904
share tweet
(310): View more from California

thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!

(1-310): View more from California

you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?

Fav 30 12344 1704
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.

Fav 27 2360 6117
share tweet
(650): View more from California

I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now

Fav 23 4358 1750
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.

(1-352): View more from Florida

What?

(352): View more from Florida

Just dont open the beer drawer.

Fav 16 1999 6197
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.

Fav 38 3608 7188
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.

Fav 34 5448 6824
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

Why are you covered in frosting?

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.

Fav 24 6829 1347
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...

Fav 13 1077 4442
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.

Fav 17 5025 1495
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.

Fav 28 8449 1581
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella

Fav 34 6571 2576
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

(905): View more from Ontario

You're fat. Stop making excuses

Fav 70 13894 6053
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"

Fav 15 4956 1835
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.

Fav 16 1648 6152
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you

Fav 13 5834 1502
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes

Fav 34 8593 1601
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay

Fav 21 4178 1953
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes

Fav 13 6519 1369
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Hey man your outta milk

(541): View more from Oregon

How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!

Fav 17 10974 2033
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?

Fav 29 1432 6152
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar

Fav 11 4884 2144
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do

Fav 35 9950 1590
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

(508): View more from Massachusetts

what was i wearing?

(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing

Fav 22 15632 1743
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.

(503): View more from Oregon

By 8 I mean 9.

(503): View more from Oregon

And by 9 I mean 10.

Fav 62 3684 5437
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?

Fav 6 3409 1350
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?

Fav 19 5904 1525
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer

Fav 9 5113 1636
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.

Fav 14 5949 2418
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?

Fav 46 1669 8061
share tweet
(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.

Fav 8 4505 1342
share tweet
(626): View more from California

she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo

Fav 18 10512 1836
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.

Fav 26 8480 1779
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

What did I eat last night that was bloody?

Fav 19 969 6967
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions

Fav 11 6134 1277
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"

Fav 17 6934 2199
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.

Fav 25 5405 2647
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

it glows. i had to have it.

Fav 14 5857 1360
share tweet
(510): View more from California

answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.

Fav 6 1795 5797
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.

Fav 5 5027 1204
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I honestly don't know what to make of that.

(423): View more from Tennessee

A ham sandwich would be nice.

Fav 16 8168 1579
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward

Fav 9 3736 1328
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done

Fav 15 4113 3171
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

So you threw a sword at me last night

(419): View more from Ohio

I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.

Fav 11 6094 1448
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

you thought your balls were fighting each other...

Fav 13 4424 2152
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Am i fat?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Well i wouldnt let you on top

Fav 36 2201 9881
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.

Fav 52 2771 8403
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?

Fav 57 4445 2014
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?

Fav 24 892 5875
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn

Fav 14 1334 5345
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.

Fav 31 12517 1766
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.

Fav 7 1149 4842
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.

Fav 6 8590 2038
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT

Fav 17 4948 1361
share tweet
(562): View more from California

In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...

Fav 23 7118 1813
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.

Fav 60 15769 2602
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.

Fav 35 10296 1421
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.

Fav 7 4421 1299
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.

Fav 41 5016 1846
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.

Fav 11 6176 1651
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.

Fav 26 9476 1663
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"

Fav 17 8418 2153
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!

Fav 42 2825 7387
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

And the cops told us we were all naked.

Fav 15 7028 1489
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?

(513): View more from Ohio

Get out now.

Fav 57 8661 3029
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework

Fav 12 5328 1231
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.

Fav 10 4507 1288
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other

Fav 9 5750 1341
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude

Fav 20 7605 1350
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head

Fav 12 5156 1953
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything

Fav 8 4002 1405
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal

Fav 19 6463 2188
share tweet
(909): View more from California

You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"

Fav 9 3923 1008
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?

Fav 69 2170 26616
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.

Fav 12 7360 1588
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina

Fav 24 2797 5771
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'

Fav 22 2598 4864
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.

Fav 21 8920 1548
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where's it at?

(706): View more from Georgia

In your pants.

Fav 19 7988 1595
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.

Fav 19 1484 9482
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.

Fav 10 7980 1304
share tweet