Texts From Last Night · corythosaurus's Favorites

Sorry jnomcb hasn't picked any favorites yet.

corythosaurus's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(805): View more from California

I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.

Fav 6 4639 1708
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.

Fav 14 6177 1465
share tweet

(908): View more from New Jersey

i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy

Fav 7 1378 3136
share tweet
(786): View more from Florida

I miss vodka workout Fridays

Fav 5 3181 1255
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.

Fav 24 10563 1390
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.

Fav 21 8832 1434
share tweet

(519): View more from Ontario

He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.

(604): View more from British Columbia

HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES

Fav 26 5544 1761
share tweet

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.

Fav 11 1378 2678
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away

Fav 11 5693 1455
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.

Fav 31 11103 1630
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.

Fav 4 1134 2894
share tweet

(801): View more from Utah

two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?

Fav 10 1305 4350
share tweet

(972): View more from Texas

My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.

Fav 10 1357 3794
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.

Fav 10 4393 1036
share tweet

(647): View more from Ontario

We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.

Fav 8 4324 1300
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome

Fav 13 5197 1247
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.

Fav 8 4757 2390
share tweet
(707): View more from California

just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.

Fav 20 10109 1275
share tweet
(562): View more from California

it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with

Fav 14 5132 1244
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.

Fav 4 4533 1089
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.

Fav 43 15734 1828
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first

(206): View more from Washington

You are the luckiest man alive

Fav 16 11139 2014
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.

Fav 26 9476 1662
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.

Fav 9 4679 1561
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.

Fav 18 4718 1348
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS

Fav 34 11292 1741
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.

Fav 16 4943 2319
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx

Fav 30 2868 4371
share tweet
(228): View more from Mississippi

She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her

Fav 15 3724 1963
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.

(1-813): View more from Florida

only on the fourth of july.

Fav 20 8360 1578
share tweet
(619): View more from California

he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days

Fav 10 5154 1531
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.

(478): View more from Georgia

I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.

Fav 28 6244 1625
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.

Fav 16 1827 7195
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

That reminds me...we need to get swords

Fav 15 7524 1387
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.

Fav 71 8430 2043
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

Fav 27 9372 1795
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.

Fav 21 2233 5313
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"

Fav 20 6797 1374
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

Fav 45 26630 1764
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.

Fav 7 6164 1289
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.

Fav 39 7242 1403
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.

Fav 42 8759 2291
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.

Fav 44 10555 1569
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear

Fav 9 1139 2991
share tweet
(949): View more from California

You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?

Fav 15 7925 1313
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox

Fav 15 3922 1631
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.

Fav 9 4106 1502
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.

Fav 18 4284 1318
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes

Fav 19 1191 3898
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

Fav 30 13126 1908
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?

Fav 8 5684 1259
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss

Fav 17 9045 1375
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?

Fav 16 1170 5155
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

Fav 62 20367 2184
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.

Fav 6 4823 1179
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.

Fav 22 8825 1486
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs

Fav 26 6803 1887
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.

Fav 33 12890 1846
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.

Fav 12 5506 2121
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Because ur a stupid bitch

(1-845): View more from New York

Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.

Fav 54 11926 1661
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.

Fav 23 5194 1211
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.

Fav 56 14264 1990
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table

Fav 20 3551 1836
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?

Fav 56 7377 2497
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.

Fav 26 8536 1714
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women

(319): View more from Iowa

I wish I had your problem

Fav 11 4925 1228
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy

Fav 51 8769 2031
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone

Fav 13 6128 1432
share tweet
(951): View more from California

I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal

Fav 23 10788 1455
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk

Fav 8 4997 1569
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja

Fav 30 7871 1631
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.

Fav 27 7690 1337
share tweet
(339): View more from Massachusetts

I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette

Fav 22 6365 1863
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

this study room smells like vodka

(310): View more from California

the study room thinks the same about you

Fav 16 6685 1406
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.

Fav 10 1244 5622
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

..i think i can hear you losing your virginity

Fav 17 9001 2442
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.

Fav 11 8405 1987
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?

Fav 18 8395 2643
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk

Fav 28 10783 1430
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."

(423): View more from Tennessee

Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.

Fav 24 10050 1752
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"

Fav 18 6894 1523
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.

Fav 23 6998 1201
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.

Fav 25 6166 3204
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

fireball beer pong. youre missing out

(732): View more from New Jersey

how is that even possible?

(908): View more from New Jersey

ove gloves.

(732): View more from New Jersey

be there in ten.

Fav 30 9415 1607
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals

Fav 33 9211 1724
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.

Fav 63 5179 2181
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter

Fav 22 4648 1502
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.

Fav 17 6072 1597
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

Fav 61 19544 2391
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.

Fav 13 6736 1491
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.

Fav 31 8386 1991
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..

(1-619): View more from California

I am not bailing you of of jail

Fav 19 6755 1631
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

his penis was the training wheels of my sex life

Fav 16 5013 1546
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

Fav 77 19444 3090
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.

Fav 27 5853 1566
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.

Fav 25 10582 1354
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies

Fav 77 1725 7191
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.

Fav 11 6367 1555
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?

Fav 16 4196 1446
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.

Fav 13 7053 1954
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?

Fav 27 7537 1410
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Fav 20 7493 1936
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

Fav 17 16529 1701
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons

Fav 15 6670 1166
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I intend to get homeless drunk

Fav 20 5349 1759
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it

Fav 14 6010 1283
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.

Fav 15 6509 1181
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

well he's currently spooning the coffee table

Fav 6 4462 1605
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.

Fav 37 16062 1753
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.

Fav 30 10299 1471
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun

Fav 16 7574 1246
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.

Fav 13 6810 1423
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.

Fav 6 4361 1038
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.

Fav 17 1413 6313
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car

Fav 38 9516 2396
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.

Fav 10 6533 1129
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again

Fav 37 7839 1303
share tweet
(575): View more from New Mexico

The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"

Fav 18 13373 1547
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

Fav 37 11181 1821
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.

Fav 39 4571 5724
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper

Fav 57 28709 1991
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?

(1-305): View more from Florida

Seriously?

(305): View more from Florida

100%

Fav 15 7176 1509
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.

Fav 7 6381 1187
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

How did you steal an entire pie?

(602): View more from Arizona

I don't know. It's in my purse.

Fav 22 11987 1531
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.

Fav 45 10964 4725
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?

Fav 22 5428 1937
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever

Fav 16 6835 1826
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.

Fav 12 9338 1348
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.

Fav 18 7999 1550
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

Fav 42 11448 1729
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..

Fav 14 10233 1429
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.

Fav 15 1421 5473
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

Fav 40 13035 1832
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.

Fav 7 1667 5778
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.

Fav 26 1980 7975
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.

Fav 32 1688 9260
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

i dont even know how to be here

Fav 34 5918 1910
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.

Fav 20 5606 2339
share tweet
(559): View more from California

Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.

Fav 35 5256 2235
share tweet
(818): View more from California

im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.

Fav 23 2292 6947
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

Fav 436 57263 7326
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.

Fav 7 5509 1363
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party

Fav 10 1164 4173
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.

Fav 16 5839 1307
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...

Fav 13 7846 1426
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.

Fav 7 9152 1393
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

Fav 46 20097 2062
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her

Fav 42 8351 1683
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?

Fav 33 5151 2565
share tweet
(951): View more from California

I didn't know people actually cried after sex.

Fav 25 1377 7727
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze

Fav 14 5848 1212
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.

Fav 26 10728 1908
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.

Fav 17 17652 1576
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

Fav 51 25042 2261
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg

Fav 65 19223 1736
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.

Fav 18 4901 1344
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.

Fav 13 7254 1756
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here

Fav 16 5711 1524
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks

Fav 21 7537 1373
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella

Fav 31 12934 1963
share tweet
(510): View more from California

stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work

Fav 20 7677 1933
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.

Fav 54 12866 2495
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

Fav 57 21185 1942
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.

Fav 16 11360 1471
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.

Fav 18 3999 1267
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old

Fav 9 4791 1093
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.

Fav 7 4251 1446
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

We should party with her soon

Fav 17 8918 1555
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."

Fav 18 5964 3095
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

bring the vodka.

(1-904): View more from Florida

i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?

(904): View more from Florida

we are.

Fav 33 10160 1611
share tweet
(961): View more from

I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit

Fav 28 8047 2043
share tweet
(862): View more from New Jersey

found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"

Fav 19 10894 2178
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.

Fav 10 6983 1413
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Why am I in a dog kennel?

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

It was for your own safety

Fav 27 13678 1979
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

Fav 69 28900 3780
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.

(260): View more from Indiana

He probs deserved it.

(317): View more from Indiana

Every good man does.

Fav 32 6040 2149
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team

Fav 6 4680 1489
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.

Fav 16 6814 1336
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.

Fav 22 9822 1545
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character

Fav 13 6572 1329
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.

Fav 10 7584 1292
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.

Fav 12 9944 1892
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.

Fav 13 5027 3807
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.

Fav 19 7499 1599
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again

Fav 21 6049 1562
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.

Fav 12 6836 1888
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.

Fav 17 8943 1272
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long

Fav 31 7547 1222
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.

Fav 47 13407 1286
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for

Fav 27 10632 1168
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval

Fav 7 7399 1070
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.

Fav 65 3199 5709
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?

Fav 11 5431 1622
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?

(636): View more from Missouri

anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence

Fav 32 9115 1381
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.

Fav 23 6497 1954
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.

Fav 33 12019 3446
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

He felt like a one man threesome

Fav 17 9506 1289
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere

Fav 13 5696 1067
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.

Fav 18 1908 4643
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".

Fav 15 9008 1550
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.

Fav 47 14832 2479
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.

Fav 8 6626 1265
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

Fav 112 53250 2387
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day

Fav 25 1968 5923
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos

Fav 17 8514 1642
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?

(856): View more from New Jersey

Right after we had the just friends talk..

Fav 22 1408 7670
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.

Fav 10 1423 4576
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...

Fav 9 4649 1111
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.

Fav 18 11604 1338
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.

Fav 32 8985 1291
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.

Fav 33 6235 1223
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.

Fav 10 3621 1179
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?

Fav 23 7926 1465
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

Fav 64 29358 1880
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.

Fav 16 6094 1767
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.

Fav 32 10352 1517
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.

Fav 12 6867 1227
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.

(1-210): View more from Texas

I love milkshakes.

(210): View more from Texas

Not the point.

Fav 19 5642 1795
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm so glad i pay social security

Fav 17 4559 1183
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.

Fav 25 5170 1592
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one

Fav 18 7976 1909
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.

Fav 34 2832 11413
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.

Fav 17 7080 1208
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.

(812): View more from Indiana

and...?

(936): View more from Texas

I told him it was alright.

Fav 28 4330 6052
share tweet
(951): View more from California

Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.

Fav 13 9089 1341
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.

Fav 19 4854 1626
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

Fav 36 16875 1737
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful

Fav 30 7460 1742
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.

Fav 16 5773 1190
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros

Fav 24 6462 1140
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.

Fav 25 13432 1599
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?

Fav 73 10197 2572
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk

Fav 9 5886 1127
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.

Fav 14 5744 1725
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

i don't want you to think of me as your TA

Fav 26 10465 1700
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you

(1-804): View more from Virginia

couldn't find a condom?

(804): View more from Virginia

basically

Fav 16 6241 1697
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12

Fav 44 6977 2959
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"

Fav 33 13804 1900
share tweet
(650): View more from California

they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.

Fav 6 7885 1314
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"

Fav 15 6583 1474
share tweet
(925): View more from California

So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.

Fav 22 9185 1716
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.

Fav 10 2216 4304
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.

Fav 19 6667 1229
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.

Fav 26 6211 1655
share tweet
(714): View more from California

turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker

Fav 14 9828 1826
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"

Fav 13 9712 1445
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."

Fav 13 6768 1737
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.

Fav 19 8304 1734
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer

Fav 11 6698 1263
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.

Fav 31 8896 3422
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.

Fav 30 6134 2184
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture

Fav 15 4487 1434
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

Fav 44 17663 1752
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

Fav 56 31651 2128
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?

(1-941): View more from Florida

idk, I had a turtle in mine.

Fav 30 4082 5816
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party

Fav 33 12974 1324
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

she has a santa fetish

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

cute.

Fav 18 6067 1577
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"

Fav 9 1324 4664
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.

Fav 29 12051 1725
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty

Fav 19 1537 7158
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?

Fav 172 5469 17671
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.

Fav 46 7732 1753
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics

Fav 68 11233 2866
share tweet
(805): View more from California

they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate

Fav 22 9432 1750
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm

Fav 37 9561 2040
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it

Fav 14 7439 1024
share tweet
(310): View more from California

it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined

Fav 15 8887 1161
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.

Fav 55 11142 3720
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

Fav 34 19333 1856
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.

Fav 8 7759 2120
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Walk of Shame time yet?

(1+44): View more from

Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?

Fav 44 19710 2146
share tweet
(339): View more from Massachusetts

i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

Fav 38 22563 3004
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.

Fav 87 8365 2051
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST

(602): View more from Arizona

I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!

Fav 36 7421 1338
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"

(1-312): View more from Illinois

go get him tiger.

Fav 17 5250 1308
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.

Fav 55 3009 15631
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?

Fav 35 2378 5675
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Please get laid.

Fav 37 2232 6276
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot

Fav 21 11330 1139
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.

Fav 32 11989 1711
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!

Fav 11 4817 1497
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.

Fav 8 4869 909
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.

Fav 33 10900 1363
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.

Fav 13 4625 967
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

(949): View more from California

I gave it to your brother to give to you.

Fav 57 14528 5764
share tweet
(974): View more from

You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.

Fav 28 8253 1200
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.

Fav 25 7676 1255
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

Fav 249 68669 3919
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.

Fav 31 16171 1311
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.

Fav 36 6674 2790
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.

Fav 23 12076 1399
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.

Fav 15 5970 1259
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.

Fav 15 6937 1464
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.

Fav 10 5941 1100
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

(202): View more from Washington, DC

buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

Fav 34 16510 1560
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

Fav 74 19053 1437
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky

Fav 90 8428 1661
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I really wanna talk..

(1-817): View more from Texas

if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down

Fav 82 8307 1251
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.

Fav 56 1350 5274
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome

(816): View more from Missouri

no its not leave

Fav 92 2500 8451
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname

Fav 62 7815 1226
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me

Fav 22 7049 1379
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..

Fav 17 5355 914
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

(718): View more from New York

pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

Fav 31 11902 1552
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.

Fav 26 9176 1148
share tweet
(916): View more from California

And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.

Fav 29 1767 3555
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.

Fav 26 8633 1347
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?

Fav 26 4832 1041
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work

Fav 20 5223 1135
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.

Fav 17 6768 1318
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?

Fav 26 7227 1063
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.

Fav 29 8742 1195
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.

(407): View more from Florida

Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.

Fav 21 5801 991
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.

Fav 69 9957 3436
share tweet
(+81): View more from

I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.

(+61): View more from Australia

You're never coming back, are you?

Fav 63 7025 1174
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her

Fav 6 3863 1969
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.

Fav 14 6321 827
share tweet
(909): View more from California

my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks

Fav 16 1398 4505
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?

Fav 20 4519 1263
share tweet
(858): View more from California

I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.

Fav 35 8891 1135
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono

Fav 32 5606 1143
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

Fav 46 21536 1606
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.

Fav 12 1404 5338
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...

Fav 16 4971 1316
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.

Fav 27 6544 1137
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.

Fav 27 10293 1135
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.

Fav 18 4280 1257
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.

Fav 43 10146 1065
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.

Fav 33 13150 1153
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics

Fav 50 5667 1432
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up

Fav 27 7848 1067
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.

Fav 22 4919 1100
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party

Fav 30 6277 1380
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow

(1-269): View more from Michigan

Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10

Fav 63 15756 1367
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?

Fav 39 8740 1228
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES

Fav 37 8450 1202
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...

Fav 26 7941 1084
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"

(1-864): View more from South Carolina

as in "white"?

Fav 24 5551 1237
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out

Fav 106 21758 1487
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.

Fav 35 14140 1499
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.

Fav 14 4925 1737
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level

Fav 35 7204 910
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?

(1-845): View more from New York

Who won mens moguls?

(845): View more from New York

That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.

Fav 63 7074 2587
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.

Fav 56 1744 7162
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.

Fav 17 6165 1053
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you

(541): View more from Oregon

I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.

Fav 55 14054 1372
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.

Fav 51 9753 1662
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car

Fav 191 16690 2802
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"

Fav 23 9337 1315
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.

Fav 56 1746 2851
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"

Fav 19 4009 991
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets

Fav 33 7906 1037
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does

Fav 21 1053 5873
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.

Fav 7 7020 923
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.

Fav 18 9078 1641
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?

(330): View more from Ohio

yes... and buy you lunch

Fav 24 8444 1033
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Me specifically?

(903): View more from Texas

Yep.

Fav 44 10104 1552
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Yah man, that place is surreal

(731): View more from Tennessee

Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?

Fav 70 4507 1985
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."

Fav 33 4872 950
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.

(1-801): View more from Utah

There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.

(801): View more from Utah

alright see you in the morning.

Fav 47 19511 1278
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success

Fav 52 9098 1299
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.

Fav 10 5690 1344
share tweet
(510): View more from California

I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk

(415): View more from California

yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts

Fav 49 8807 1608
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.

(1-931): View more from Tennessee

Wtf? What happened?

(931): View more from Tennessee

Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.

Fav 42 18334 1446
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.

Fav 45 9537 3145
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.

(1-907): View more from Alaska

Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..

Fav 45 7831 1208
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.

Fav 31 6417 1923
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.

Fav 63 7387 1210
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.

Fav 62 10049 1949
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

I've always been the spiritual type.

Fav 27 8054 1234
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now

Fav 40 9633 1774
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

did u really fuck my little sister???

(706): View more from Georgia

im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"

Fav 155 16333 2366
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?

(475): View more from Connecticut

Yeah?

(212): View more from New York

Stuck it in his pooper.

Fav 209 11134 5017
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

Fav 31 30396 1602
share tweet
(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

Fav 107 32825 1976
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.

Fav 47 15892 1251
share tweet
(310): View more from California

ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

Fav 175 7686 81667
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

Fav 60 37317 1625
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

Fav 131 32857 3009
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good

Fav 111 30496 1715
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

Fav 29 34811 1714
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

Fav 362 61944 8175
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

Fav 77 39774 2395
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

Fav 79 54012 2794
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

Fav 69 39794 2528
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

Fav 190 59123 5679
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

Fav 388 41774 4649
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

Fav 290 63942 5492
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

Fav 184 96430 5746
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

Fav 388 132000 5202
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

Fav 51 26508 1664
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high

Fav 24 5206 1220
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.

Fav 13 7616 1115
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk

(1-914): View more from New York

It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you

Fav 55 9048 1188
share tweet