Texts From Last Night · rawremnic's Favorites

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(802): View more from Vermont

He's yummy.

(613): View more from Ontario

HE'S GAY. AND 40.

(802): View more from Vermont

Irrelevant.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...

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(406): View more from Montana

Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink

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(803): View more from South Carolina

There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on

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(530): View more from California

He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He's almost as awesome as vicodin.

(513): View more from Ohio

Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?

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(315): View more from New York

Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench

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(630): View more from Illinois

You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.

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(708): View more from Illinois

so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.

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(212): View more from New York

i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack

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(720): View more from Colorado

the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.

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(209): View more from California

His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.

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(512): View more from Texas

we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja

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(519): View more from Ontario

I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.

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(310): View more from California

my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.

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(518): View more from New York

I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.

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(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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(214): View more from Texas

a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.

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(309): View more from Illinois

It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".

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(613): View more from Ontario

who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked

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(240): View more from Maryland

Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.

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(720): View more from Colorado

turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"

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(407): View more from Florida

Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot

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(336): View more from North Carolina

the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood

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(858): View more from California

Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was

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(480): View more from Arizona

I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

Is my tampon string too long for this dress?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

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(619): View more from California

you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog

(716): View more from New York

do you not see the irony in that??

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(914): View more from New York

And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.

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(630): View more from Illinois

He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.

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(863): View more from Florida

There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.

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(845): View more from New York

Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution

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(515): View more from Iowa

Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...

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(219): View more from Indiana

Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa

(708): View more from Illinois

Oh Jesus.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it

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(554): View more from

No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted

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(512): View more from Texas

that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club

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(586): View more from Michigan

Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes

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(805): View more from California

I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.

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(224): View more from Illinois

:( I'm sorry!!!

(847): View more from Illinois

sexual favors sorry?

(224): View more from Illinois

absolutely not

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(813): View more from Florida

he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there

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(248): View more from Michigan

she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear

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(908): View more from New Jersey

The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.

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(305): View more from Florida

I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy

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(706): View more from Georgia

They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods

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(727): View more from Florida

I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.

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(410): View more from Maryland

She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Please get laid.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

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(802): View more from Vermont

he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...

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(208): View more from Idaho

Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.

(208): View more from Idaho

ha well at least you have goals.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher

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(813): View more from Florida

So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"

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(503): View more from Oregon

Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?

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(480): View more from Arizona

Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.

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(330): View more from Ohio

not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?

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(630): View more from Illinois

Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta

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(630): View more from Illinois

At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us

(847): View more from Illinois

You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.

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(440): View more from Ohio

My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.

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(650): View more from California

guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no

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(810): View more from Michigan

was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit

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(252): View more from North Carolina

she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?

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(712): View more from Iowa

it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe

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(240): View more from Maryland

oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!

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(714): View more from California

I need hand sanitizer and jesus.

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(813): View more from Florida

from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick

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(203): View more from Connecticut

have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

omg every time its on

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(409): View more from Texas

Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.

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(917): View more from New York City

the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?

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(740): View more from Ohio

He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.

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(650): View more from California

Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Did everyone make it back alive?

(309): View more from Illinois

You say that with such hope.

(217): View more from Illinois

Is that a no?

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(972): View more from Texas

he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.

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(716): View more from New York

my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?

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(708): View more from Illinois

this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick

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(803): View more from South Carolina

the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar

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(917): View more from New York City

Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers

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(406): View more from Montana

apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...

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(704): View more from North Carolina

One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Hey I don't know if you will get this but all I know is you are so beautiful to .ee and? I dare anyone to stop me me from caring for you ante so beautiful so I kid you not gorgeous iyoiu are so beautiful to me i dare som.eone too stioo you

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(530): View more from California

Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.

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(416): View more from Ontario

you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

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(803): View more from South Carolina

just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car

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(917): View more from New York City

i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you

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(713): View more from Texas

Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.

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(315): View more from New York

His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.

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(518): View more from New York

4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over

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(636): View more from Missouri

The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.

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(818): View more from California

got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night

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(646): View more from New York

So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."

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(618): View more from Illinois

how was the sex?

(1-618): View more from Illinois

he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.

(618): View more from Illinois

well, there's that.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.

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(802): View more from Vermont

i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.

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(443): View more from Maryland

booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again

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(207): View more from Maine

how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?

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(630): View more from Illinois

she could've warned me his penis was curved

(708): View more from Illinois

ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

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(503): View more from Oregon

I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars

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(336): View more from North Carolina

okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

you can....by speaking....

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?

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(229): View more from Georgia

I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.

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(434): View more from Virginia

ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.

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(360): View more from Washington

He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.

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(913): View more from Kansas

she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.

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(214): View more from Texas

LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.

(972): View more from Texas

I worry about you sometimes...

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(269): View more from Michigan

Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.

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(313): View more from Michigan

She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.

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(817): View more from Texas

He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...

(1-817): View more from Texas

Actually, she's fat now, so...

(817): View more from Texas

Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed

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(+65): View more from

No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.

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(248): View more from Michigan

like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume

(612): View more from Minnesota

we need ur ladder

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(765): View more from Indiana

The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor

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(702): View more from Nevada

you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?

(1-702): View more from Nevada

oh that explains alot.

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(353): View more from

i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash

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(801): View more from Utah

see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks

(1-801): View more from Utah

wait.... you do what?

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(810): View more from Michigan

I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.

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(786): View more from Florida

HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good

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(810): View more from Michigan

Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?

(828): View more from North Carolina

Is it working?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.

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(630): View more from Illinois

But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them

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(519): View more from Ontario

your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho

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(214): View more from Texas

Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.

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(703): View more from Virginia

She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis

(1-703): View more from Virginia

Every man deserves at least one moment like that

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(605): View more from South Dakota

You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me

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(+61): View more from Australia

Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.

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(516): View more from New York

That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.

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(773): View more from Illinois

That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper

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(858): View more from California

Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts

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(224): View more from Illinois

Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.

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(716): View more from New York

I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.

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(514): View more from Quebec

Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for

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(+30): View more from

Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi

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(415): View more from California

It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.

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(432): View more from Texas

He looks like he has a penis

(210): View more from Texas

What the fuck

(432): View more from Texas

A good one, a good penis

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Am I supposed to find that romantic?

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(661): View more from California

I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me

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(618): View more from Illinois

My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.

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(315): View more from New York

when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'

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(314): View more from Missouri

I drank myself into bisexuality again.

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(626): View more from California

All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.

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(516): View more from New York

There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face

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(801): View more from Utah

As long as you're not dating white guys again.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"

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(631): View more from New York

Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed

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(816): View more from Missouri

My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.

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(703): View more from Virginia

he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh

(1-703): View more from Virginia

be sure to add "office slut" to your resume

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(951): View more from California

Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries

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(937): View more from Ohio

It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes

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(954): View more from Florida

We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.

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(510): View more from California

Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.

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(513): View more from Ohio

walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN

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(856): View more from New Jersey

nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends

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(606): View more from Kentucky

All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.

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(718): View more from New York

what happened last night?

(917): View more from New York City

u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style

(718): View more from New York

that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left

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(239): View more from Florida

When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.

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(972): View more from Texas

I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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(607): View more from New York

Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high

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(785): View more from Kansas

I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.

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(740): View more from Ohio

i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation

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(289): View more from Ontario

The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.

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(425): View more from Washington

Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me

(1-425): View more from Washington

Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.

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(850): View more from Florida

I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity

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(307): View more from Wyoming

The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story

(307): View more from Wyoming

The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.

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(520): View more from Arizona

She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.

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(503): View more from Oregon

His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.

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(540): View more from Virginia

what do you have against ST

(1-540): View more from Virginia

DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie

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(805): View more from California

you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma

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(806): View more from Texas

That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.

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(661): View more from California

Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.

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(231): View more from Michigan

you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.

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(718): View more from New York

I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"

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(248): View more from Michigan

I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Totally get that.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...

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(518): View more from New York

September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location

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(256): View more from Alabama

this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

You know i think she's just using me for sex

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

I hate you.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.

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(785): View more from Kansas

i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks

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(503): View more from Oregon

The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!

(218): View more from Minnesota

I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.

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(515): View more from Iowa

the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point

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(209): View more from California

I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.

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(806): View more from Texas

Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.

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(703): View more from Virginia

She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper

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(516): View more from New York

I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen

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(302): View more from Delaware

Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?

(845): View more from New York

Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.

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(207): View more from Maine

So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.

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(713): View more from Texas

The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me

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(913): View more from Kansas

Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...

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(416): View more from Toronto

Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.

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(334): View more from Alabama

He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.

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(309): View more from Illinois

i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.

(309): View more from Illinois

so finals studying is going well?

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(301): View more from Maryland

you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.

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(513): View more from Ohio

So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut

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(253): View more from Washington

I'm going to rape someone's good day.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.

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(510): View more from California

It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...

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(801): View more from Utah

don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.

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(509): View more from Washington

I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?

(1-509): View more from Washington

talent.

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(678): View more from Georgia

apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.

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(416): View more from Ontario

we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance

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(303): View more from Colorado

That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.

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(443): View more from Maryland

she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

did u get his digits?

(201): View more from New Jersey

yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...

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(703): View more from Virginia

We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.

(540): View more from Virginia

You guys make me sad

(703): View more from Virginia

You misspelled jealous there

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(623): View more from Arizona

Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple

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(303): View more from Colorado

She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.

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(425): View more from Washington

Hi

(805): View more from California

Babe...You're really smothering me right now

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(201): View more from New Jersey

you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin

(914): View more from New York

and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.

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(302): View more from Delaware

It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.

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(913): View more from Kansas

sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.

(904): View more from Florida

FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift

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(303): View more from Colorado

We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know

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(917): View more from New York City

I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.

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(917): View more from New York City

He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now

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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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(330): View more from Ohio

We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob

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(352): View more from Florida

Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.

(352): View more from Florida

And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."

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(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.

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(305): View more from Florida

We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?

(812): View more from Indiana

You're dead to me.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters

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(281): View more from Texas

I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.

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(719): View more from Colorado

new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.

(1-513): View more from Ohio

She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.

(513): View more from Ohio

She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!

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(253): View more from Washington

I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.

(281): View more from Texas

No. Just liquor. Time's no good.

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(210): View more from Texas

I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job

(917): View more from New York City

You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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(226): View more from Ontario

I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I cont stop tolking in a british axsent

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.

(719): View more from Colorado

she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.

(414): View more from Wisconsin

are you serious?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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(562): View more from California

hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

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(917): View more from New York City

M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

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(786): View more from Florida

He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(317): View more from Indiana

So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he thanks me after handjobs.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

you found the perfect man.

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(727): View more from Florida

i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I'm eager to hear this explaination.

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(404): View more from Georgia

His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Umm you met him three days ago....

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I said what I said

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.

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(631): View more from New York

So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.

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(845): View more from New York

Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.

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(713): View more from Texas

yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

life is too short to starve

(678): View more from Georgia

life is also too short to be fat

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(303): View more from Colorado

I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.

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(314): View more from Missouri

i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him

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(281): View more from Texas

Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.

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(816): View more from Missouri

we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.

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(360): View more from Washington

I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood

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(785): View more from Kansas

if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.

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(650): View more from California

an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.

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(559): View more from California

You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.

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(909): View more from California

It must have been true love

(604): View more from British Columbia

I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other

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(304): View more from West Virginia

yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.

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(360): View more from Washington

I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.

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(650): View more from California

the ice cream truck is coming omgomg

(1-650): View more from California

dude, it's 2 am.

(650): View more from California

but its COMING

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(281): View more from Texas

I just know... :) goodntight

(1-281): View more from Texas

Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.

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(360): View more from Washington

i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew

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(815): View more from Illinois

I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.

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(323): View more from California

are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions

(310): View more from California

i wish

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(415): View more from California

Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."

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(806): View more from Texas

You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

(1-806): View more from Texas

Best pick-up line ever!

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(757): View more from Virginia

I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

And she used to have such long ones. Sad.

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(254): View more from Texas

I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...

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(509): View more from Washington

Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you

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(914): View more from New York

Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.

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(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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(971): View more from Oregon

I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.

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(510): View more from California

I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.

(702): View more from Nevada

Are you high?

(510): View more from California

No. That's why it's odd

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures

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(206): View more from Washington

Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now

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(703): View more from Virginia

As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

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(914): View more from New York

I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them

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(713): View more from Texas

Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.

(713): View more from Texas

I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Texas should really raise its teaching standards.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.

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(620): View more from Kansas

My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm pregnant just thinking about him.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old

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(256): View more from Alabama

I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up

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(636): View more from Missouri

It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.

(314): View more from Missouri

Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.

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(305): View more from Florida

I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.

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(801): View more from Utah

Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"

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(512): View more from Texas

I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.

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(519): View more from Ontario

When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned

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(804): View more from Virginia

she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.

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(661): View more from California

i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..

(951): View more from California

u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!

(661): View more from California

i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.

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(757): View more from Virginia

DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?

(703): View more from Virginia

I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.

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(216): View more from Ohio

he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out

(513): View more from Ohio

so is it as big as he says?

(216): View more from Ohio

he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit

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(785): View more from Kansas

I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?

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(562): View more from California

the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

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(847): View more from Illinois

He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(425): View more from Washington

if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you

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(214): View more from Texas

It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.

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(281): View more from Texas

I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do

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(203): View more from Connecticut

you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

(508): View more from Massachusetts

what was i wearing?

(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing

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(516): View more from New York

we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan

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(650): View more from California

Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex

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(575): View more from New Mexico

We need to talk about our relationship.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes

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(225): View more from Louisiana

True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us

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(815): View more from Illinois

Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.

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(515): View more from Iowa

What did I eat last night that was bloody?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Ask politely.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Thats good enough.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

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(248): View more from Michigan

I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me

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(904): View more from Florida

it glows. i had to have it.

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(440): View more from Ohio

wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant

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(361): View more from Texas

I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?

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(517): View more from Michigan

you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"

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(970): View more from Colorado

And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on

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(602): View more from Arizona

69 |D_O

(1-602): View more from Arizona

wtf does that mean??

(602): View more from Arizona

it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"

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(801): View more from Utah

I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures

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(973): View more from New Jersey

we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.

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(516): View more from New York

I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.

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(706): View more from Georgia

We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where's it at?

(706): View more from Georgia

In your pants.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.

(714): View more from California

Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."

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(310): View more from California

can your parents tell?

(310): View more from California

i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know

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(908): View more from New Jersey

there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time

(732): View more from New Jersey

no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality

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(561): View more from Florida

I am going to give you the keys to my place

(1-561): View more from Florida

Then I'll give you the keys to my heart

(561): View more from Florida

Gag me

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(720): View more from Colorado

I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...

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(646): View more from New York

Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.

(1-646): View more from New York

what. the. fuck.

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(614): View more from Ohio

i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?

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(813): View more from Florida

Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.

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(972): View more from Texas

You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"

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(248): View more from Michigan

Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?

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(757): View more from Virginia

I won't be sarcastic... just naked

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(661): View more from California

His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger

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(303): View more from Colorado

Have you learned any life lessons?

(406): View more from Montana

I like big butts and I cannot lie.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

you have to choose: penises or morals?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

6 min

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(817): View more from Texas

Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

(1-817): View more from Texas

You weighed it?

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(903): View more from Texas

Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Me specifically?

(903): View more from Texas

Yep.

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(303): View more from Colorado

He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?

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(416): View more from Ontario

If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.

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(516): View more from New York

and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(847): View more from Illinois

Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?

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(315): View more from New York

She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...

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(641): View more from Iowa

i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that

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(678): View more from Georgia

I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.

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(716): View more from New York

right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable

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(630): View more from Illinois

If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.

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(386): View more from Florida

it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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(315): View more from New York

My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...

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(571): View more from Virginia

final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself

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(949): View more from California

We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations

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(850): View more from Florida

Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.

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(404): View more from Georgia

hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away

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(860): View more from Connecticut

we've started having sober sex

(203): View more from Connecticut

you really do like him

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(917): View more from New York City

pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock

(347): View more from New York

I THOUGHT I SAW YOU

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(517): View more from Michigan

I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...

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(651): View more from Minnesota

The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.

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(503): View more from Oregon

What's wrong?

(1-503): View more from Oregon

Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.

(503): View more from Oregon

Pussy.

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(281): View more from Texas

I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.

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(916): View more from California

put your butt on the phone this is a booty call

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(302): View more from Delaware

Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing

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(604): View more from British Columbia

fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.

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(518): View more from New York

she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(818): View more from California

apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"

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(269): View more from Michigan

I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I'm going to jail i love you

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(678): View more from Georgia

He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation

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(201): View more from New Jersey

The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

told you he was gay.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...

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(315): View more from New York

Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.

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(425): View more from Washington

I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month

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(970): View more from Colorado

ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.

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(410): View more from Maryland

He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.

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(925): View more from California

after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.

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(303): View more from Colorado

she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.

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(904): View more from Florida

I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox

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(320): View more from Minnesota

A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.

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