Texts From Last Night · papichulokulo's Favorites

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom

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(858): View more from California

He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him

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(224): View more from Illinois

Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.

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(512): View more from Texas

There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.

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(207): View more from Maine

He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.

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(925): View more from California

370HSSV 0773H read that upside down

(1-925): View more from California

what are you doing with your life

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(970): View more from Colorado

Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy

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(817): View more from Texas

I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"

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(217): View more from Illinois

Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.

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(512): View more from Texas

her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"

(1-512): View more from Texas

you motherfucker

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?

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(614): View more from Ohio

Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."

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(416): View more from Toronto

Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops

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(518): View more from New York

How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.

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(432): View more from Texas

she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.

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(727): View more from Florida

I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?

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(509): View more from Washington

Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?

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(410): View more from Maryland

We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.

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(+61): View more from Australia

She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...

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(619): View more from California

My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"

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(817): View more from Texas

Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.

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(914): View more from New York

I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"

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(443): View more from Maryland

booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again

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(310): View more from California

While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

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(443): View more from Maryland

My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.

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(720): View more from Colorado

ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.

(1-720): View more from Colorado

Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.

(720): View more from Colorado

I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.

(720): View more from Colorado

I rest my case.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

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(949): View more from California

Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

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(+47): View more from Norway

i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls

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(408): View more from California

4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

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(419): View more from Ohio

His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch

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(937): View more from Ohio

so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs

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(706): View more from Georgia

I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.

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(562): View more from California

If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up

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(253): View more from Washington

Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.

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(646): View more from New York

He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.

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(916): View more from California

Yep. How's your hangover?

(1-916): View more from California

It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(845): View more from New York

Because ur a stupid bitch

(1-845): View more from New York

Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Why Weren't you wearing pants?

(647): View more from Ontario

because pants are for people with no imagination

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(801): View more from Utah

Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?

(309): View more from Illinois

No idea. And yes be here at 4

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(716): View more from New York

I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.

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(847): View more from Illinois

He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.

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(443): View more from Maryland

She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.

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(706): View more from Georgia

The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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(314): View more from Missouri

he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

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(917): View more from New York City

shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".

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(434): View more from Virginia

I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.

(201): View more from New Jersey

We better fuck soon then

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(714): View more from California

Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon

(310): View more from California

Fuck you.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.

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(303): View more from Colorado

If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina

(401): View more from Rhode Island

I told you those kegels would come in handy one day

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(734): View more from Michigan

it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio

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(512): View more from Texas

Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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(207): View more from Maine

Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

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(443): View more from Maryland

So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..

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(320): View more from Minnesota

He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...

(320): View more from Minnesota

He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.

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(419): View more from Ohio

He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..

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(831): View more from California

She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"

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(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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(631): View more from New York

His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE

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(704): View more from North Carolina

How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?

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(352): View more from Florida

He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.

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(905): View more from Ontario

She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris

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(213): View more from California

Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.

(1-213): View more from California

best text I've received ever.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.

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(480): View more from Arizona

just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.

(480): View more from Arizona

k i'll be over in 5.

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(602): View more from Arizona

69 |D_O

(1-602): View more from Arizona

wtf does that mean??

(602): View more from Arizona

it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(440): View more from Ohio

I love you

(720): View more from Colorado

are you drunk

(440): View more from Ohio

yes but I def love you, we should get married

(720): View more from Colorado

But I'm Jewish

(440): View more from Ohio

embrace Jesus

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Walk of Shame time yet?

(1+44): View more from

Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?

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(718): View more from New York

what happened last night?

(917): View more from New York City

u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style

(718): View more from New York

that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left

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(319): View more from Iowa

I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women

(319): View more from Iowa

I wish I had your problem

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(716): View more from New York

Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.

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(360): View more from Washington

If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.

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(702): View more from Nevada

So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!

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(614): View more from Ohio

Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?

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(305): View more from Florida

If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.

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(949): View more from California

so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"

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(518): View more from New York

i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina

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(630): View more from Illinois

Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

did you know it's going to storm tonight?

(630): View more from Illinois

You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence

(415): View more from California

shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.

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(972): View more from Texas

some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Woah.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

that's not how you spell hell yes.

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(310): View more from California

Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.

(336): View more from North Carolina

Did it work?

(918): View more from Oklahoma

Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

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(559): View more from California

So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?

(1-559): View more from California

That depends on who this is.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.

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(619): View more from California

It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.

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(478): View more from Georgia

So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking

(404): View more from Georgia

how did that work out?

(478): View more from Georgia

Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...

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(443): View more from Maryland

She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.

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(425): View more from Washington

It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

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(815): View more from Illinois

i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.

(518): View more from New York

So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.

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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so horny!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so hungry

(508): View more from Massachusetts

WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

For your pussy...

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(443): View more from Maryland

i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's

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(+41): View more from Switzerland

How did she break his doorknob?

(1+41): View more from

That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.

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(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.

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(734): View more from Michigan

we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.

(248): View more from Michigan

...that shit cray.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where the hell are you

(706): View more from Georgia

He's winning.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

no his phone, idiot.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night

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(317): View more from Indiana

Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.

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(239): View more from Florida

they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application

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(502): View more from Kentucky

You were right. It hurts to walk today.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

That doesn't help me much...

(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm right under the moon!

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(214): View more from Texas

I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.

(720): View more from Colorado

Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?

(303): View more from Colorado

my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are

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(623): View more from Arizona

Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.

(1-623): View more from Arizona

That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?

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(303): View more from Colorado

I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on

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(347): View more from New York

Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono

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(314): View more from Missouri

My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.

(585): View more from New York

I hate you.

(314): View more from Missouri

To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."

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(602): View more from Arizona

I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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(816): View more from Missouri

That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"

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(917): View more from New York City

He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Shut up. I did not.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

I really wish I was making that up.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.

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(313): View more from Michigan

The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.

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(805): View more from California

We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.

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(408): View more from California

you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face

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(561): View more from Florida

This dress was meant to end up on your floor

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(248): View more from Michigan

toast her oven

(1-248): View more from Michigan

toast her strudel

(248): View more from Michigan

inspect her gadget

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(845): View more from New York

Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good

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(214): View more from Texas

She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Ask politely.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Thats good enough.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS

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(240): View more from Maryland

stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.

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(716): View more from New York

The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast

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(517): View more from Michigan

you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.

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(573): View more from Missouri

dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one

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(760): View more from California

Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.

(912): View more from Georgia

What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?

(760): View more from California

I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you

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(847): View more from Illinois

Just so you know, I have a bf.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.

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(631): View more from New York

Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "

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(601): View more from Mississippi

K. On the way. I need a drink.

(904): View more from Florida

Like a drink drink or like water?

(601): View more from Mississippi

Have we met?

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(678): View more from Georgia

you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently

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(740): View more from Ohio

new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.

(419): View more from Ohio

you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.

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(913): View more from Kansas

the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me

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(504): View more from Louisiana

she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?

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(281): View more from Texas

I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

SEEEEXXX PLEASE

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(260): View more from Indiana

dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?

(1-260): View more from Indiana

what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing

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(352): View more from Florida

redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!

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(636): View more from Missouri

It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.

(314): View more from Missouri

Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.

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(540): View more from Virginia

First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.

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(678): View more from Georgia

why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?

(770): View more from Georgia

I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle

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(214): View more from Texas

in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now

(469): View more from Texas

Pride?

(214): View more from Texas

thats a pack of cougars

(469): View more from Texas

go fuck yourself

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(702): View more from Nevada

Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu

(781): View more from Massachusetts

So you're taking me there this weekend?

(508): View more from Massachusetts

oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.

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(904): View more from Florida

Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'

(1-904): View more from Florida

wtf?

(904): View more from Florida

It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high

(808): View more from Hawaii

worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

nevermind....I'm on the way

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(561): View more from Florida

I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

I like taco bell too

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(323): View more from California

may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.

(818): View more from California

First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.

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(858): View more from California

Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch

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(214): View more from Texas

Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS

(210): View more from Texas

Put my glitter back.

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(914): View more from New York

she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.

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(571): View more from Virginia

every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.

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(904): View more from Florida

When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"

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(205): View more from Alabama

im getting a BJ in a closet

(205): View more from Alabama

and a penguin just handed me a bong

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.

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(816): View more from Missouri

She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?

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(650): View more from California

Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.

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(559): View more from California

my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker

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(213): View more from California

I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.

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(+61): View more from Australia

He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...

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(520): View more from Arizona

hahaha! you have a girlfriend

(1-520): View more from Arizona

tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...

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(224): View more from Illinois

Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'

(224): View more from Illinois

Im going to research this theory. . .

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(860): View more from Connecticut

How drunk are you??

(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm flawless.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Umm you met him three days ago....

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I said what I said

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(812): View more from Indiana

If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?

(815): View more from Illinois

Quite the contrary. Sophistication.

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(561): View more from Florida

Bad news is he broke up with me via text message

(561): View more from Florida

But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent

(860): View more from Connecticut

fuckk wrong person

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

.. who was that for? a girlscout?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"

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(516): View more from New York

We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.

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(360): View more from Washington

We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.

(1-360): View more from Washington

I absolutely love you.

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(914): View more from New York

Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS

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(440): View more from Ohio

if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life

(619): View more from California

with a huge shlong

(440): View more from Ohio

massive. i wanna make bitches cry

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(317): View more from Indiana

my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive

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(504): View more from Louisiana

My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life

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(804): View more from Virginia

just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos

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(631): View more from New York

It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.

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(706): View more from Georgia

If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore

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(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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(319): View more from Iowa

So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."

(319): View more from Iowa

Decisions, decisions.

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(607): View more from New York

Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

He wasn't the only one with a full load.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"

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(727): View more from Florida

she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.

(376): View more from

you are insane

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(970): View more from Colorado

I want to walk on stilts...naked

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(678): View more from Georgia

I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits

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(847): View more from Illinois

i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.

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(972): View more from Texas

i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.

(817): View more from Texas

Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.

(972): View more from Texas

ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.

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(916): View more from California

I hate ducks.

(916): View more from California

What?

(916): View more from California

they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Fuck now we have to have sex

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

What?

(203): View more from Connecticut

In a bet, need to win

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(515): View more from Iowa

So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.

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(614): View more from Ohio

We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.

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(425): View more from Washington

Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?

(1-425): View more from Washington

I hate you

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(303): View more from Colorado

I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.

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(831): View more from California

You should get sea herpes

(831): View more from California

I mean sea horses

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.

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(407): View more from Florida

The bars here don't close until 4!

(703): View more from Virginia

my legs don't close until 4

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(775): View more from Nevada

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(925): View more from California

I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.

(916): View more from California

You're drunk. Make complete sentences.

(925): View more from California

It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.

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(240): View more from Maryland

There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.

(443): View more from Maryland

So glad I found your sister.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?

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(865): View more from Tennessee

she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty

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(815): View more from Illinois

Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.

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(818): View more from California

Its about making memories worth repressing

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(253): View more from Washington

oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.

(1-253): View more from Washington

I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.

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(314): View more from Missouri

There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.

(818): View more from California

Punch her baby.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her

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(323): View more from California

Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.

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(478): View more from Georgia

I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.

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(253): View more from Washington

Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'

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(214): View more from Texas

i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"

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(713): View more from Texas

Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

you traded sex for a burrito?

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(540): View more from Virginia

she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out

(803): View more from South Carolina

youve hit the jackpot

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(585): View more from New York

I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.

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(206): View more from Washington

If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh

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