Texts From Last Night · sydnebabyyyx3's Favorites

Sorry partygirl2191 hasn't picked any favorites yet.

sydnebabyyyx3's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(561): View more from Florida

If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.

Fav 8 4063 1678
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.

Fav 17 6648 1550
share tweet

(803): View more from South Carolina

Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.

Fav 18 8172 1567
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now

Fav 12 1764 5335
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.

Fav 24 1294 5596
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"

(1-440): View more from Ohio

Perfectly normal.

Fav 15 6979 1465
share tweet

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".

Fav 39 11793 2285
share tweet

(334): View more from Alabama

This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.

Fav 36 16127 1595
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"

(1-519): View more from Ontario

I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"

Fav 16 4814 1431
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

(1-806): View more from Texas

Best pick-up line ever!

Fav 35 10254 1635
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good

Fav 14 5359 1627
share tweet

(410): View more from Maryland

Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.

Fav 15 1604 3548
share tweet

(920): View more from Wisconsin

He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.

Fav 38 11690 1726
share tweet
(650): View more from California

she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.

Fav 17 1745 9387
share tweet

(469): View more from Texas

Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.

Fav 23 1192 5639
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.

Fav 18 1454 4692
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii

Fav 22 9590 1845
share tweet
(+47): View more from Norway

i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls

Fav 48 11108 1526
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want

Fav 39 7477 1808
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"

Fav 44 8807 1895
share tweet
(818): View more from California

remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,

(702): View more from Nevada

Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.

Fav 116 6955 12714
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics

Fav 21 6793 1318
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.

Fav 15 6271 1338
share tweet
(415): View more from California

There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.

Fav 43 6695 1966
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer

Fav 32 11539 1647
share tweet
(235): View more from

I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.

Fav 55 2589 6972
share tweet
(661): View more from California

I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it

Fav 15 1565 7103
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING

Fav 18 6265 1470
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.

Fav 36 1697 6460
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'

Fav 12 1720 4222
share tweet
(925): View more from California

don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement

(510): View more from California

big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.

Fav 11 6997 1567
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.

Fav 10 5458 1463
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.

Fav 14 6094 1641
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though

Fav 8 6364 1343
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

The police scanner is talking about you again....

Fav 17 9086 1768
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

Fav 51 17987 2069
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

(905): View more from Ontario

You're fat. Stop making excuses

Fav 70 13889 6049
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell

Fav 17 6211 1358
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.

Fav 68 18780 1866
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.

Fav 14 1955 3487
share tweet
(+62): View more from

This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.

Fav 50 1861 4722
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.

Fav 52 2768 8402
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had

Fav 16 5110 1238
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]

Fav 29 12047 2999
share tweet
(956): View more from Texas

Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.

Fav 41 7556 1375
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

Fav 51 16034 4495
share tweet
(510): View more from California

answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.

Fav 6 1794 5796
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.

Fav 21 10046 1349
share tweet
(916): View more from California

my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

Fav 44 17640 1901
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.

Fav 24 9468 1443
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.

Fav 16 5633 1329
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?

Fav 43 7267 1330
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?

Fav 25 7205 2119
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.

Fav 26 1722 5882
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.

Fav 11 3714 1807
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."

Fav 26 6382 1365
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago

Fav 20 6646 1543
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex

Fav 25 6274 2161
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.

Fav 15 2115 5670
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now

Fav 10 5549 1327
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.

Fav 24 1574 4923
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.

Fav 26 5410 2332
share tweet
(626): View more from California

she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo

Fav 18 10508 1834
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

I wish I had a frozen water bed.

(253): View more from Washington

best. idea. ever.

Fav 58 6187 2398
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.

(217): View more from Illinois

Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.

Fav 13 9460 1516
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.

Fav 26 9014 1784
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.

Fav 26 8478 1779
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay

Fav 9 4483 1423
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together

Fav 50 4011 5843
share tweet
(478): View more from Georgia

I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.

Fav 38 10918 2515
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"

Fav 8 4779 1987
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore

Fav 38 5536 1947
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

(508): View more from Massachusetts

what was i wearing?

(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing

Fav 22 15629 1739
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.

(503): View more from Oregon

By 8 I mean 9.

(503): View more from Oregon

And by 9 I mean 10.

Fav 62 3684 5437
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it

Fav 36 7362 1588
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!

Fav 28 1870 4084
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch

(636): View more from Missouri

Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?

(573): View more from Missouri

IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation

Fav 29 7464 2731
share tweet
(209): View more from California

Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.

Fav 27 5450 1552
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her

Fav 10 4013 1652
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.

Fav 26 9474 1659
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.

Fav 13 5575 1275
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations

Fav 17 2752 4683
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.

Fav 22 2997 6799
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds

Fav 26 12668 2380
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"

Fav 17 8417 2148
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.

Fav 14 7502 2270
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.

Fav 114 1950 25661
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks

Fav 25 6793 1420
share tweet
(562): View more from California

In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...

Fav 23 7118 1809
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.

Fav 31 4802 5709
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.

Fav 24 12046 1680
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.

Fav 13 6498 1689
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.

Fav 21 5837 2477
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?

(317): View more from Indiana

all hypothetical of course

Fav 14 5866 1597
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face

Fav 52 9109 1698
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.

Fav 61 11285 2281
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.

Fav 16 6374 1298
share tweet
(862): View more from New Jersey

forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious

Fav 19 3646 1180
share tweet
(807): View more from Ontario

I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.

Fav 47 6918 1573
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.

Fav 12 1232 7508
share tweet
(980): View more from North Carolina

You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.

Fav 12 2389 3576
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.

Fav 12 5648 1362
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times

Fav 12 9147 2021
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"

Fav 9 2592 6922
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.

Fav 38 13585 1851
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.

Fav 12 6877 1410
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.

Fav 48 8333 2401
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.

Fav 7 5576 2830
share tweet
(714): View more from California

when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow

Fav 14 1129 5691
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.

Fav 3 3943 1273
share tweet
(661): View more from California

aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet

(623): View more from Arizona

And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs

(661): View more from California

Exactly.

Fav 18 7365 1531
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.

Fav 6 6179 1265
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.

Fav 29 5702 2388
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

Fav 44 8519 2976
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying

Fav 8 3663 4436
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation

Fav 13 5201 2000
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.

Fav 36 8233 1682
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.

Fav 1 5425 1148
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties

Fav 16 7586 1355
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .

Fav 9 6852 1570
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?

Fav 37 9190 3480
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.

Fav 45 12482 1731
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?

Fav 39 2145 7435
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.

Fav 21 6849 1612
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'

Fav 28 2066 8112
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.

Fav 18 7521 2328
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome

Fav 13 6367 1223
share tweet
(562): View more from California

If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up

Fav 24 12390 1705
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"

Fav 29 1468 8827
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.

Fav 11 4113 2354
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.

Fav 16 2577 7138
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.

Fav 32 4505 1707
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.

Fav 36 6556 1534
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake

Fav 8 2847 5889
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.

Fav 35 6633 1470
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.

Fav 18 8469 1464
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.

Fav 31 779 4578
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.

Fav 6 1237 4024
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.

Fav 19 7103 1440
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style

Fav 104 9608 1058
share tweet
(510): View more from California

And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"

Fav 40 1102 10970
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.

Fav 24 5360 997
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

What should our trivia night team be named?

(925): View more from California

Define Statutory

Fav 27 5032 1054
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

Fav 111 47668 3211
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.

Fav 39 1192 7926
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.

Fav 15 1725 7290
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.

Fav 23 5623 1734
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.

Fav 14 6903 1392
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.

Fav 20 6604 1695
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.

Fav 24 6558 1654
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock

(347): View more from New York

I THOUGHT I SAW YOU

Fav 27 14206 2603
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.

Fav 8 3935 1238
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career

Fav 18 1677 3703
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.

Fav 83 3101 8676
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.

Fav 14 8861 1311
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.

Fav 11 7160 1535
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2

(908): View more from New Jersey

Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?

Fav 14 5694 2307
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.

Fav 58 2045 15107
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"

Fav 27 1957 5007
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.

Fav 14 4910 1274
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.

(1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

Girl's gotta have her standards.

Fav 7 1456 2167
share tweet
(310): View more from California

i fucked a milf yesterday.

(619): View more from California

i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.

Fav 28 14080 2295
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears

Fav 29 1571 8692
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.

Fav 20 10280 2242
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.

Fav 13 6333 1899
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.

Fav 22 2123 6181
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE

Fav 23 2498 6277
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs

Fav 18 11090 1653
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?

Fav 24 6202 2816
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.

(607): View more from New York

Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.

Fav 7 6223 1375
share tweet
(325): View more from Texas

I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.

Fav 19 7283 1713
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.

Fav 16 6850 1369
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend

Fav 18 4865 1495
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.

Fav 27 16988 1528
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

(301): View more from Maryland

OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

(518): View more from New York

Doritoesssssss

Fav 41 13894 1844
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.

Fav 17 4397 2532
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.

(478): View more from Georgia

I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.

Fav 28 6243 1625
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.

Fav 6 9304 1557
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer

Fav 16 5913 1312
share tweet
(951): View more from California

my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.

Fav 21 4711 1445
share tweet
(714): View more from California

i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock

Fav 14 6582 1640
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe

Fav 10 1515 4415
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

Fav 51 17094 1832
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

Dude, if you don't take her, I will.

Fav 34 7283 1659
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.

Fav 24 5429 1179
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on

Fav 7 4685 1304
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.

Fav 24 5543 1556
share tweet
(530): View more from California

I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.

(1-530): View more from California

fuck. you.

Fav 54 12763 2275
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his

Fav 26 1567 7273
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.

Fav 90 2152 13335
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

Fav 44 15905 1914
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

Fav 101 35342 4428
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised

Fav 10 4265 1692
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.

Fav 7 8088 1249
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it

Fav 10 4945 1711
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did he notice?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..

Fav 83 2181 10532
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed

Fav 25 11126 1790
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.

Fav 71 8428 2041
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...

Fav 50 3536 6171
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year

Fav 19 8965 1488
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.

Fav 4 6455 1344
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

She brought up feelings... her days are numbered

Fav 19 2109 5673
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.

Fav 15 1633 5893
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times

Fav 12 6849 1285
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.

Fav 7 1215 4012
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...

(1-352): View more from Florida

so you did it...

(352): View more from Florida

obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.

Fav 29 6239 1768
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.

Fav 12 8382 1462
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

Fav 62 20366 2184
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.

Fav 25 5690 1800
share tweet
(661): View more from California

He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.

Fav 23 8005 1463
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.

Fav 14 5405 1826
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.

Fav 16 7690 1386
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.

Fav 17 8382 1455
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'

Fav 18 10608 1443
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

Fav 34 26487 2347
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.

Fav 28 3079 12625
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations

Fav 10 1416 4574
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf

Fav 33 2313 6406
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom

Fav 13 6162 1461
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.

(214): View more from Texas

so how much did i say i owed you?

(972): View more from Texas

$5 and a new fuck buddy.

Fav 21 3623 1069
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!

(1-248): View more from Michigan

What does that mean?

(248): View more from Michigan

How when the cu k dos I yet u

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Focus

Fav 13 2301 1076
share tweet
(760): View more from California

Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.

Fav 29 1115 6469
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.

Fav 26 8533 1713
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!

Fav 16 11154 1332
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)

Fav 21 6359 1960
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.

Fav 39 6430 3276
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.

(1-813): View more from Florida

I ordered a moonbounce.

(813): View more from Florida

Fuck, you win.

Fav 39 10952 1545
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.

(904): View more from Florida

FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift

Fav 18 8123 1530
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me

Fav 28 7744 1194
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?

Fav 20 6955 1412
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass

Fav 21 1700 8574
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.

(219): View more from Indiana

You said that last year...

Fav 18 2407 5854
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??

(713): View more from Texas

Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.

Fav 44 5434 9844
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.

Fav 14 7637 1411
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again

Fav 19 5937 1616
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?

Fav 16 4726 1174
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones

Fav 11 3852 1405
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table

Fav 40 7380 2192
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"

(773): View more from Illinois

I forgot about that,good spring break.

Fav 16 6556 1659
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.

Fav 31 12001 1614
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth

Fav 16 1187 4496
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.

Fav 11 5806 1462
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.

Fav 19 4940 1672
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.

Fav 38 9215 2249
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

grab my backpack.....its in the fridge

Fav 19 8275 1365
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.

Fav 16 6134 1462
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!

Fav 9 6601 1429
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.

Fav 21 4093 1874
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big

(720): View more from Colorado

Welcome to my life

Fav 34 6462 1420
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.

Fav 33 12888 1845
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".

Fav 27 6516 1567
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Because ur a stupid bitch

(1-845): View more from New York

Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.

Fav 54 11924 1660
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Clothes are such an inconvenience.

Fav 22 8800 1373
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...

(708): View more from Illinois

I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....

Fav 20 5292 1423
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood

Fav 19 6769 1260
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"

Fav 20 1487 5933
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.

Fav 72 1694 16788
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.

Fav 79 2497 11511
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

Fav 61 19543 2390
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar

Fav 13 5956 1424
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.

Fav 25 6165 3204
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally

Fav 28 1959 4648
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

fireball beer pong. youre missing out

(732): View more from New Jersey

how is that even possible?

(908): View more from New Jersey

ove gloves.

(732): View more from New Jersey

be there in ten.

Fav 30 9415 1607
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class

Fav 29 10543 1492
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing

Fav 21 5669 2256
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.

Fav 14 4746 1607
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I love boston

Fav 37 9028 1510
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.

Fav 12 8710 1510
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.

Fav 6 6388 1363
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again

Fav 29 5433 1975
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.

Fav 7 5319 1223
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?

Fav 20 4953 1128
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child

Fav 31 8444 1871
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it

Fav 9 4451 1332
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.

Fav 23 6996 1200
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?

Fav 19 1514 4983
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.

Fav 9 5641 1245
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.

Fav 27 5731 1240
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Fav 20 7488 1936
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

Fav 17 16526 1701
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best

(1-773): View more from Illinois

that's your solution for everything

Fav 36 7573 1693
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech

Fav 19 4357 2051
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?

Fav 12 6416 2117
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.

Fav 26 3334 5211
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk

Fav 28 10783 1428
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!

Fav 10 7205 1446
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."

(423): View more from Tennessee

Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.

Fav 24 10047 1751
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on

Fav 10 3699 1260
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"

Fav 18 6893 1523
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.

(847): View more from Illinois

ill be there in 5.

Fav 26 9155 1357
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.

Fav 9 5065 1455
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.

Fav 26 6589 1480
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.

Fav 9 8729 1437
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.

Fav 63 21320 1640
share tweet
(714): View more from California

She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.

Fav 17 7064 2527
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.

Fav 39 3787 5919
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?

Fav 20 1600 4488
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.

Fav 13 5930 1260
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card

Fav 30 2802 8327
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

Its weird to pet your cat with a boner

(1-406): View more from Montana

What the fuck?

Fav 48 2488 9155
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?

Fav 37 13978 1462
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.

Fav 48 3166 9947
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?

Fav 35 5123 1624
share tweet
(925): View more from California

DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR

Fav 42 11577 1759
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

Fav 34 21338 2216
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.

Fav 12 5939 1378
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.

Fav 10 9260 1361
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"

Fav 5 4428 1302
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

(816): View more from Missouri

that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

Fav 35 13049 1899
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now

Fav 25 9366 1837
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"

Fav 13 8043 1406
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."

Fav 20 9453 2163
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...

Fav 13 8459 1599
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

Fav 25 16039 1837
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.

Fav 27 7088 1457
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.

Fav 26 11656 1540
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.

Fav 12 8208 1207
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.

Fav 63 11142 2060
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.

Fav 17 13202 2112
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops

Fav 29 8384 1220
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list

Fav 20 12045 1492
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'

Fav 17 1396 6680
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?

Fav 22 4407 2189
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.

Fav 37 16061 1750
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.

Fav 24 8234 1771
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun

Fav 16 7574 1246
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.

Fav 30 10296 1471
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

Fav 66 26246 3371
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"

Fav 29 7104 2056
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father

Fav 44 2310 9383
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper

Fav 57 28706 1990
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him

Fav 21 1747 9254
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

who'd you have sex with.

Fav 12 2565 4544
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?

(1-305): View more from Florida

Seriously?

(305): View more from Florida

100%

Fav 15 7174 1509
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.

Fav 7 6380 1186
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

How did you steal an entire pie?

(602): View more from Arizona

I don't know. It's in my purse.

Fav 22 11987 1528
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.

Fav 7 1666 5778
share tweet
(530): View more from California

my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...

Fav 52 2716 10605
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.

Fav 32 1687 9259
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.

Fav 24 7916 2104
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?

Fav 22 5428 1937
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day

Fav 13 1285 5090
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe

Fav 35 1674 14429
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.

Fav 12 9337 1347
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.

Fav 18 7998 1548
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"

Fav 46 2270 9936
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..

Fav 14 10232 1429
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.

Fav 39 4571 5723
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that

Fav 37 2728 6964
share tweet
(872): View more from Illinois

mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning

Fav 11 1729 5046
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".

Fav 10 6146 1363
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.

Fav 19 6725 1552
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.

Fav 9 5217 1507
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won

Fav 30 13942 1497
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.

(602): View more from Arizona

Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?

Fav 17 6085 1635
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.

Fav 32 7865 1628
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...

Fav 23 6487 1544
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.

Fav 21 2712 5162
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka

(479): View more from Arkansas

I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once

Fav 10 6347 1203
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?

Fav 25 7351 1499
share tweet
(234): View more from Ohio

No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.

(387): View more from

I don't know what to judge you more for.

Fav 18 4380 1552
share tweet
(760): View more from California

so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?

Fav 21 3326 7326
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A

Fav 28 1459 5663
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing

Fav 28 6517 2107
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh

Fav 29 10755 1467
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.

Fav 35 2161 5435
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.

Fav 25 2039 6237
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

That's the best idea I've heard all day.

Fav 30 9520 3087
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.

Fav 15 2379 6945
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

Fav 436 57260 7323
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.

Fav 16 6135 1295
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.

Fav 7 9152 1391
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

Fav 46 20096 2060
share tweet
(786): View more from Florida

All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"

Fav 49 9756 1599
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

(713): View more from Texas

lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

Fav 21 11547 1663
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her

Fav 42 8351 1682
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.

Fav 11 4763 1587
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed

Fav 12 6788 1282
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple

Fav 19 10427 1410
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.

Fav 36 1944 8857
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.

Fav 27 7972 1546
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.

Fav 13 10098 2200
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

Fav 48 26746 2047
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.

Fav 48 9210 1625
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?

Fav 31 10060 1478
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.

Fav 24 2278 7132
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.

Fav 22 10343 1709
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over

Fav 14 10307 1445
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.

Fav 26 10728 1907
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.

(416): View more from Toronto

Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!

Fav 40 10890 1670
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

What happened?....

(304): View more from West Virginia

He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....

Fav 10 2020 5552
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.

Fav 32 7161 1419
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.

Fav 15 2096 4866
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.

Fav 9 1324 4779
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.

Fav 12 1582 5641
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.

Fav 33 1714 8071
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'

Fav 62 2908 25017
share tweet
(916): View more from California

She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad

Fav 75 12485 4006
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.

Fav 11 1807 6863
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.

Fav 21 7924 1611
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?

Fav 44 5085 2590
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...

(404): View more from Georgia

Dont! You were just serving you country

Fav 71 7206 2835
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.

Fav 12 8244 1767
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.

Fav 27 11766 1877
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

Fav 29 17913 1675
share tweet
(760): View more from California

She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.

Fav 30 8014 1562
share tweet
(320): View more from Minnesota

That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.

Fav 30 4331 1295
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza

Fav 53 27174 2475
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!

Fav 26 13075 1764
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas

Fav 27 6467 2811
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried

Fav 7 7035 1480
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.

Fav 25 15097 2081
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Why am I in a dog kennel?

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

It was for your own safety

Fav 27 13675 1976
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.

Fav 12 4845 1372
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.

Fav 49 7770 2445
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

whats a bus flip?

(225): View more from Louisiana

idk but apparently i invented it

Fav 23 10169 1407
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

Fav 61 28046 1880
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.

Fav 6 5657 1569
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...

Fav 16 1524 5605
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here

Fav 16 5711 1523
share tweet
(530): View more from California

I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite

Fav 45 19954 1707
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...

Fav 21 7465 1538
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.

Fav 54 12865 2495
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.

Fav 42 2675 7588
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

Fav 57 21184 1939
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?

Fav 26 1711 8233
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"

Fav 17 5280 1296
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

We should party with her soon

Fav 17 8916 1553
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong

Fav 15 6776 1866
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...

Fav 23 6494 1519
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

bring the vodka.

(1-904): View more from Florida

i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?

(904): View more from Florida

we are.

Fav 33 10157 1610
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...

Fav 29 7421 3066
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?

Fav 18 6411 1399
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.

Fav 9 6188 1153
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.

(786): View more from Florida

How high are you right now..

(305): View more from Florida

I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.

Fav 29 10883 1595
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"

Fav 51 18396 1738
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

i think i recognize dicks better than faces

Fav 56 4203 3307
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"

Fav 24 6355 1401
share tweet
(943): View more from

You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka

Fav 10 5729 1119
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?

Fav 27 8183 1462
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.

Fav 16 7697 1331
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

A simple 'no' would have sufficed

Fav 14 2286 5983
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

Fav 17 10942 1587
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?

Fav 17 7924 1354
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.

(404): View more from Georgia

you should get a family discount.

Fav 33 11339 1794
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

Fav 28 13865 2497
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.

Fav 22 1747 7790
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

Fav 35 15842 1928
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.

Fav 12 7403 1714
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.

Fav 13 5576 1164
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.

Fav 10 4513 2741
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously

Fav 28 3596 1660
share tweet
(650): View more from California

This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"

Fav 12 6922 1248
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny

Fav 17 6902 1469
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.

Fav 35 7138 1412
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video

Fav 14 7215 1301
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense

Fav 20 8402 1250
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over

Fav 14 7745 1456
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever

Fav 22 8071 1586
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas

Fav 22 8652 1448
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.

Fav 32 1111 3284
share tweet
(760): View more from California

For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".

Fav 12 4278 1347
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.

Fav 14 6454 1369
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"

(973): View more from New Jersey

That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"

Fav 13 4965 1415
share tweet
(418): View more from Quebec

I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.

Fav 15 7185 1222
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.

Fav 7 4237 1093
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

You got my ass fired just for knowing you

(479): View more from Arkansas

thanks for the bacon

Fav 19 5964 1679
share tweet
(619): View more from California

after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.

Fav 18 7184 1006
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"

Fav 12 6304 1491
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off

Fav 17 5943 1652
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.

Fav 7 5571 1221
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry

Fav 16 8300 1276
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over

Fav 41 1528 3261
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.

Fav 15 6905 1508
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.

Fav 27 1418 6534
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

Fav 120 28217 5132
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.

Fav 9 4976 1304
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?

Fav 27 8287 1778
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly

Fav 19 1754 5887
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night

Fav 77 8190 4876
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.

Fav 31 4365 2279
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.

Fav 19 6154 1567
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it

Fav 29 7047 1520
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."

Fav 15 4369 5277
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.

Fav 19 6447 1520
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance

Fav 10 6663 1655
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.

Fav 33 12019 3445
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining

Fav 11 6366 1407
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.

Fav 16 7498 1584
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it

Fav 17 7438 1413
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.

Fav 21 2269 8024
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.

Fav 19 6331 2579
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

Fav 112 53248 2386
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

Fav 64 29358 1876
share tweet
(951): View more from California

So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.

Fav 22 7396 1982
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later

Fav 26 7999 2393
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.

Fav 20 3813 6190
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.

Fav 40 11635 3452
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed

Fav 43 2389 14611
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.

Fav 65 1881 20124
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.

Fav 7 6613 1469
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"

Fav 49 2604 9763
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.

Fav 38 15409 1937
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

How am I a tease?

(1-813): View more from Florida

Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.

(813): View more from Florida

ONLY PART OF IT.

Fav 45 8798 2020
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

Fav 36 16875 1736
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.

Fav 25 13432 1598
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12

Fav 44 6976 2959
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.

Fav 35 2156 7108
share tweet
(308): View more from Nebraska

I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.

Fav 38 1559 9485
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

Fav 106 39927 2449
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.

Fav 42 10353 2109
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?

Fav 12 6430 1329
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.

Fav 13 6658 1089
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.

Fav 25 24631 1592
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...

Fav 53 12722 1796
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.

Fav 14 9691 1433
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.

Fav 17 13080 1322
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.

Fav 24 1712 5730
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL

Fav 56 1894 6424
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.

Fav 26 6210 1654
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.

Fav 15 4892 1777
share tweet
(650): View more from California

they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.

Fav 6 7884 1312
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january

Fav 18 6636 1334
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"

Fav 15 6582 1474
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.

Fav 16 9670 1498
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own

Fav 27 9010 1522
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.

Fav 25 8818 1441
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

(828): View more from North Carolina

Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

(864): View more from South Carolina

Previous statement retracted.

Fav 46 14033 1759
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

she has a santa fetish

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

cute.

Fav 18 6066 1576
share tweet
(559): View more from California

So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?

(1-559): View more from California

That depends on who this is.

Fav 42 15246 2557
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.

(917): View more from New York City

I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.

Fav 122 3686 15934
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.

Fav 17 4865 1706
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line

Fav 51 10862 1878
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top

Fav 257 8832 2811
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

Fav 54 75096 3011
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

Fav 205 41516 3928
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.

Fav 90 14088 2037
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.

(727): View more from Florida

More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.

Fav 15 5001 911
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.

Fav 14 1129 3906
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.

Fav 4 3118 877
share tweet