Texts From Last Night · MaskedJackal's Favorites

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MaskedJackal's Favorites Texts:

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(254): View more from Texas

I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.

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(714): View more from California

There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..

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(515): View more from Iowa

You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.

(1-515): View more from Iowa

Any good?

(515): View more from Iowa

Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point

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(269): View more from Michigan

Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome

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(574): View more from Indiana

He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i came so hard i kicked through my windshield

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(210): View more from Texas

I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.

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(614): View more from Ohio

My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.

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(830): View more from Texas

I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time

(830): View more from Texas

well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from

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(434): View more from Virginia

My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.

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(561): View more from Florida

jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.

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(951): View more from California

Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.

(1-951): View more from California

Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary

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(410): View more from Maryland

I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I have major gossip for you.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh no, did you have sex last night?

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.

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(512): View more from Texas

My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?

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(443): View more from Maryland

Liz is crying about burritos again.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm okay with that.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor

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(503): View more from Oregon

Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.

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(912): View more from Georgia

I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.

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(410): View more from Maryland

We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.

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(585): View more from New York

Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.

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(904): View more from Florida

Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.

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(831): View more from California

Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.

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(206): View more from Washington

i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.

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(914): View more from New York

It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.

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(207): View more from Maine

So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right

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(612): View more from Minnesota

There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.

(763): View more from Minnesota

like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo

(612): View more from Minnesota

Wat

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(252): View more from North Carolina

You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"

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(862): View more from New Jersey

You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"

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(504): View more from Louisiana

My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!

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(540): View more from Virginia

We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.

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(206): View more from Washington

Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.

(1-206): View more from Washington

That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.

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(906): View more from Michigan

Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?

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(516): View more from New York

How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?

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(740): View more from Ohio

Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul

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(619): View more from California

But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.

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(352): View more from Florida

Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live

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(+61): View more from Australia

BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON

(+61): View more from Australia

SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE

(+61): View more from Australia

THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.

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(530): View more from California

Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.

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(574): View more from Indiana

most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water

(1-574): View more from Indiana

desperate times, desperate measures

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(716): View more from New York

So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.

(1-716): View more from New York

Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.

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(804): View more from Virginia

If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?

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(716): View more from New York

Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.

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(510): View more from California

You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.

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(234): View more from Ohio

Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.

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(425): View more from Washington

I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"

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(907): View more from Alaska

You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.

(1-907): View more from Alaska

That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying

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(512): View more from Texas

I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!

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(619): View more from California

It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone

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(201): View more from New Jersey

All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched

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(206): View more from Washington

I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again

(1-206): View more from Washington

RESPECT THE VODQUILA

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.

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(906): View more from Michigan

Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.

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(718): View more from New York

She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet

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(914): View more from New York

I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"

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(315): View more from New York

I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night

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(216): View more from Ohio

Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud

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(937): View more from Ohio

I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.

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(850): View more from Florida

She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.

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(905): View more from Ontario

And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.

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(949): View more from California

Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite

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(714): View more from California

She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.

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(406): View more from Montana

I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey

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(919): View more from North Carolina

OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO

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(320): View more from Minnesota

He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...

(320): View more from Minnesota

He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun

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(518): View more from New York

I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!

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(319): View more from Iowa

4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW

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(714): View more from California

Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.

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(949): View more from California

I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library

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(914): View more from New York

I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.

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(303): View more from Colorado

ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or

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(254): View more from Texas

Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table

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(410): View more from Maryland

Bad breakup?

(1-410): View more from Maryland

He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for

(804): View more from Virginia

Oh my god she just threw up on her dog

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(212): View more from New York

The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.

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(805): View more from California

WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts

(805): View more from California

YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts are serious business

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(720): View more from Colorado

Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.

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(661): View more from California

ive cried into many a lonely burritos..

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react

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(714): View more from California

After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots

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(406): View more from Montana

All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.

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(518): View more from New York

I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.

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(950): View more from

The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.

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(530): View more from California

My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face

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(914): View more from New York

We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.

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(310): View more from California

She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL

(310): View more from California

so no, not her best night

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.

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(585): View more from New York

Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20

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(763): View more from Minnesota

We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"

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(818): View more from California

It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.

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(734): View more from Michigan

WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES

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(323): View more from California

He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible

(310): View more from California

well did you say yes?

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(970): View more from Colorado

Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.

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(541): View more from Oregon

they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you

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(631): View more from New York

Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus

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(540): View more from Virginia

I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica

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(714): View more from California

Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.

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(480): View more from Arizona

He was uncircumcised

(480): View more from Arizona

It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis

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(765): View more from Indiana

The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange

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(630): View more from Illinois

Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart

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(909): View more from California

If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.

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(513): View more from Ohio

trapped on the roof of the strip club. help

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(775): View more from Nevada

True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.

(1-775): View more from Nevada

That was beautiful.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.

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(214): View more from Texas

And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy

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(618): View more from Illinois

College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.

(1-618): View more from Illinois

This is true but you can't really get fired from college

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(310): View more from California

What's the address?

(626): View more from California

Too drunk. Just google it.

(310): View more from California

IT'S YOUR HOUSE

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah, that was you

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.

(216): View more from Ohio

this is the second day in a row.

(330): View more from Ohio

Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Sex on roller skates

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Floating mattress

(301): View more from Maryland

Tie

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(410): View more from Maryland

Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight

(440): View more from Ohio

Challenge Accepted

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(331): View more from Illinois

DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME

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(714): View more from California

Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.

(1-714): View more from California

This is why we're friends.

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(512): View more from Texas

I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.

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(214): View more from Texas

I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me

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(616): View more from Michigan

She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross

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(530): View more from California

Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek

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(347): View more from New York

Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk

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(562): View more from California

Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.

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(274): View more from Wisconsin

Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place

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(916): View more from California

WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!

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(218): View more from Minnesota

You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob

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(289): View more from Ontario

Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.

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(903): View more from Texas

All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.

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(480): View more from Arizona

While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.

(602): View more from Arizona

What other scale is there?

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(516): View more from New York

I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.

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(360): View more from Washington

You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.

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(434): View more from Virginia

Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.

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(905): View more from Ontario

you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you said candy land and then passed out.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.

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(407): View more from Florida

Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.

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(516): View more from New York

I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.

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(254): View more from Texas

Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.

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(917): View more from New York City

She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.

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(419): View more from Ohio

They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.

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(727): View more from Florida

Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.

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(972): View more from Texas

The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard

(972): View more from Texas

OHHH and there was a Batman too.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.

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(408): View more from California

Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.

(831): View more from California

You did a keg stand on the toilet?!

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(360): View more from Washington

Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.

(253): View more from Washington

you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.

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(812): View more from Indiana

i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?

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(425): View more from Washington

He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that

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(707): View more from California

They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.

(705): View more from Ontario

I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.

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(917): View more from New York City

when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.

(917): View more from New York City

Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.

(347): View more from New York

he is a god among men.

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(972): View more from Texas

I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.

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(812): View more from Indiana

It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.

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(213): View more from California

Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??

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(770): View more from Georgia

the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.

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(207): View more from Maine

We are hot boxing the gondola

(607): View more from New York

I hate everything.

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(646): View more from New York

There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.

(917): View more from New York City

Delicious

(646): View more from New York

I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.

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(847): View more from Illinois

The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.

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(352): View more from Florida

I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house

(713): View more from Texas

So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?

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(770): View more from Georgia

you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.

(678): View more from Georgia

THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.

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(209): View more from California

Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.

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(712): View more from Iowa

That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"

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(914): View more from New York

How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?

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(806): View more from Texas

Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.

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(530): View more from California

TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong

(980): View more from North Carolina

And?

(704): View more from North Carolina

He melted the stem

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(205): View more from Alabama

After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.

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(714): View more from California

Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.

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(253): View more from Washington

At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!

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(509): View more from Washington

Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom

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(410): View more from Maryland

You threw up with your ski mask on still.

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(425): View more from Washington

UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD

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(216): View more from Ohio

I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies

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(206): View more from Washington

You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.

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(949): View more from California

I have no words

(951): View more from California

Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.

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(703): View more from Virginia

You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here

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(914): View more from New York

We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.

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(509): View more from Washington

Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one

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(734): View more from Michigan

Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time

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(517): View more from Michigan

There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Wheres my essay?

(415): View more from California

You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?

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(831): View more from California

sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.

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(989): View more from Michigan

TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND

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(867): View more from Yukon/N.W.Territory

Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension

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(604): View more from British Columbia

i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

well in DOG beers, i've only had one

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(206): View more from Washington

Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.

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(410): View more from Maryland

So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.

(443): View more from Maryland

YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?

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(587): View more from Alberta

Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.

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(254): View more from Texas

I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls

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(386): View more from Florida

It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina

(386): View more from Florida

It really is the softest mustache

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(704): View more from North Carolina

It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning

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(734): View more from Michigan

He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.

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(630): View more from Illinois

the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed

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(541): View more from Oregon

theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?

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(415): View more from California

Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.

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(949): View more from California

Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?

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(512): View more from Texas

I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio

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(317): View more from Indiana

Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.

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(207): View more from Maine

Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.

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(703): View more from Virginia

You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.

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(979): View more from Texas

For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.

(512): View more from Texas

You. Win. At. Life.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.

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(415): View more from California

I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc

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(512): View more from Texas

That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.

(210): View more from Texas

It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?

(512): View more from Texas

Is your card paying for my plan b?

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(614): View more from Ohio

Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.

(802): View more from Vermont

So basically you were a dog.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.

(720): View more from Colorado

Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?

(303): View more from Colorado

my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are

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(250): View more from British Columbia

well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Let's paint friendship bongs

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(435): View more from Utah

Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.

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(425): View more from Washington

It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.

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(650): View more from California

Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it

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(313): View more from Michigan

I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.

(1-313): View more from Michigan

Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.

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(352): View more from Florida

Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.

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(210): View more from Texas

The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced

(210): View more from Texas

The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks

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(410): View more from Maryland

If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina

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(334): View more from Alabama

It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.

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(818): View more from California

Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

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(480): View more from Arizona

I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.

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(443): View more from Maryland

i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country

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(217): View more from Illinois

Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out

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(313): View more from Michigan

Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill

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(207): View more from Maine

Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child

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(757): View more from Virginia

She fuckin peed on me

(817): View more from Texas

Stay golden ponyboy

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(907): View more from Alaska

Threesome in a minivan. New low

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?

(408): View more from California

JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.

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(360): View more from Washington

Im 95% ready to shit behind 711

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

this is not real life

(1-267): View more from Pennsylvania

it never is. after midnight never counts.

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(360): View more from Washington

Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.

(941): View more from Florida

it was a krispy kreme

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(406): View more from Montana

I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...

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(352): View more from Florida

Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?

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(518): View more from New York

Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.

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(229): View more from Georgia

My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.

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(416): View more from Toronto

You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony

(289): View more from Ontario

Yeah I know, the people below me already told me

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(434): View more from Virginia

Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...

(434): View more from Virginia

I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade

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(303): View more from Colorado

My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.

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(917): View more from New York City

This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.

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(248): View more from Michigan

We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.

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(713): View more from Texas

Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.

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(707): View more from California

there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals

(480): View more from Arizona

Are you high and at a petting zoo again?

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(585): View more from New York

He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"

(612): View more from Minnesota

Drunk you is pretty stunner.

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(415): View more from California

You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring

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(214): View more from Texas

Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.

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(360): View more from Washington

it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing

(206): View more from Washington

and semen

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(970): View more from Colorado

I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.

(970): View more from Colorado

I am going to be fat forever.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.

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(562): View more from California

Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night

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(410): View more from Maryland

was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long

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(740): View more from Ohio

He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs

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(604): View more from British Columbia

We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.

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(315): View more from New York

My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.

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(425): View more from Washington

i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house

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(313): View more from Michigan

My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.

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(914): View more from New York

my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip

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(519): View more from Ontario

She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has

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(231): View more from Michigan

His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.

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(281): View more from Texas

We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.

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(520): View more from Arizona

remember, YOU ARE A WINNER

(410): View more from Maryland

my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.

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(940): View more from Texas

Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed

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(513): View more from Ohio

Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.

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(317): View more from Indiana

He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

(1-317): View more from Indiana

He's the fucking cop whisperer.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.

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(913): View more from Kansas

she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.

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(734): View more from Michigan

We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."

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(360): View more from Washington

Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.

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(630): View more from Illinois

we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same

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(404): View more from Georgia

I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan

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(319): View more from Iowa

Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.

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(224): View more from Illinois

Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume

(612): View more from Minnesota

we need ur ladder

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(760): View more from California

She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.

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(512): View more from Texas

When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man

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(425): View more from Washington

It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.

(425): View more from Washington

Not including when spray tanning

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(703): View more from Virginia

She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis

(1-703): View more from Virginia

Every man deserves at least one moment like that

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(406): View more from Montana

he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten

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(+45): View more from Denmark

You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".

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(+61): View more from Australia

Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.

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(519): View more from Ontario

It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.

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(410): View more from Maryland

You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

and then he started using my ass as a stressball

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(+03): View more from

Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'

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(248): View more from Michigan

yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.

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(310): View more from California

Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?

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(518): View more from New York

I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.

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(913): View more from Kansas

you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.

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(714): View more from California

he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick

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(303): View more from Colorado

dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.

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(214): View more from Texas

No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog

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(708): View more from Illinois

He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..

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(208): View more from Idaho

She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".

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(917): View more from New York City

My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.

(917): View more from New York City

Also pregame at mine tomorrow?

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(410): View more from Maryland

Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"

(1-410): View more from Maryland

How come I never meet celebrities?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers

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(631): View more from New York

Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.

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(765): View more from Indiana

We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.

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(619): View more from California

My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.

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(409): View more from Texas

The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...

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(703): View more from Virginia

She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.

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(734): View more from Michigan

He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.

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(905): View more from Ontario

He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night

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(253): View more from Washington

The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid

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(905): View more from Ontario

Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.

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(616): View more from Michigan

You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop

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(407): View more from Florida

HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN

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(720): View more from Colorado

Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.

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(815): View more from Illinois

i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer

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(678): View more from Georgia

So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight

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(404): View more from Georgia

I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.

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(513): View more from Ohio

im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.

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(316): View more from Kansas

The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.

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(443): View more from Maryland

We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.

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(894): View more from

just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit

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(937): View more from Ohio

She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building

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(207): View more from Maine

I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet

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(614): View more from Ohio

I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up

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(805): View more from California

He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.

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(207): View more from Maine

Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

OMG THAT WAS YOU?!

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.

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(772): View more from Florida

He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.

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(847): View more from Illinois

just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?

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(714): View more from California

Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now

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(650): View more from California

I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.

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(407): View more from Florida

This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.

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(316): View more from Kansas

I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.

(1-316): View more from Kansas

Yeah I'm going to bathe him.

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(620): View more from Kansas

Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes

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(804): View more from Virginia

He likes Jesus. Game over.

(804): View more from Virginia

Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it

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(312): View more from Illinois

You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.

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(660): View more from Missouri

We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out

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(513): View more from Ohio

If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would

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(256): View more from Alabama

she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump

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(816): View more from Missouri

He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Because we had sex in one.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.

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(631): View more from New York

He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.

(205): View more from Alabama

I hate freshman.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.

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(315): View more from New York

I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"

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(720): View more from Colorado

I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match

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(518): View more from New York

You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops

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(208): View more from Idaho

What's a "vodkaffle"?

(608): View more from Wisconsin

It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.

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(703): View more from Virginia

There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.

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(917): View more from New York City

Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics

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(850): View more from Florida

I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok

(850): View more from Florida

They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good

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(410): View more from Maryland

Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?

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(301): View more from Maryland

I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.

(704): View more from North Carolina

How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?

(301): View more from Maryland

Salt in an open wound right now.

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(586): View more from Michigan

She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers

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(432): View more from Texas

the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(214): View more from Texas

That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.

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(647): View more from Ontario

She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.

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(937): View more from Ohio

so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.

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(713): View more from Texas

So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me

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(315): View more from New York

MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!

(315): View more from New York

AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell

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(410): View more from Maryland

260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.

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(469): View more from Texas

The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands

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(201): View more from New Jersey

the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do

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(718): View more from New York

He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."

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(210): View more from Texas

I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night

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(585): View more from New York

Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided

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(703): View more from Virginia

She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.

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(205): View more from Alabama

i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you

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(817): View more from Texas

she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.

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(213): View more from California

dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.

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(956): View more from Texas

Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."

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(240): View more from Maryland

Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

(732): View more from New Jersey

like it was yesterday

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(425): View more from Washington

Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma

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(954): View more from Florida

We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.

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(719): View more from Colorado

He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"

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(310): View more from California

I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.

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(361): View more from Texas

Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.

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(518): View more from New York

September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location

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(503): View more from Oregon

The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"

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(765): View more from Indiana

He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family

(812): View more from Indiana

Not even marginally surprised

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.

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(714): View more from California

He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.

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(312): View more from Illinois

This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.

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(302): View more from Delaware

when are you leaving homes?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51

(302): View more from Delaware

I had a sex dream about Oprah.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

go back to sleep

(302): View more from Delaware

dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.

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(954): View more from Florida

I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.

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(334): View more from Alabama

He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.

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(765): View more from Indiana

After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.

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(817): View more from Texas

I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.

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(253): View more from Washington

Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.

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(562): View more from California

you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?

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(936): View more from Texas

Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american

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(416): View more from Toronto

he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.

(816): View more from Missouri

...... wtf.

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(516): View more from New York

She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning

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(702): View more from Nevada

Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.

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(416): View more from Toronto

He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n

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(309): View more from Illinois

ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.

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(703): View more from Virginia

just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.

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(305): View more from Florida

He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.

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(410): View more from Maryland

i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there

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(507): View more from Minnesota

She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...

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(510): View more from California

ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(212): View more from New York

it was like a zeppelin in a condom

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.

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(256): View more from Alabama

He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.

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(720): View more from Colorado

She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.

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(301): View more from Maryland

you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.

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(425): View more from Washington

im bored tell me something entertaining

(206): View more from Washington

You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.

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(410): View more from Maryland

new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.

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(410): View more from Maryland

She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(805): View more from California

He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.

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(845): View more from New York

So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(313): View more from Michigan

How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...

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(817): View more from Texas

At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.

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(408): View more from California

worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum

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(614): View more from Ohio

Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"

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(646): View more from New York

You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.

(404): View more from Georgia

you should get a family discount.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

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(510): View more from California

stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work

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(612): View more from Minnesota

three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome

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(707): View more from California

he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.

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(650): View more from California

after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower

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(212): View more from New York

You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?

(475): View more from Connecticut

Yeah?

(212): View more from New York

Stuck it in his pooper.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?

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(330): View more from Ohio

We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.

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(585): View more from New York

please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.

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(216): View more from Ohio

ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.

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(972): View more from Texas

You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"

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(703): View more from Virginia

okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?

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(614): View more from Ohio

We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.

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(631): View more from New York

woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?

(516): View more from New York

you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."

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(240): View more from Maryland

this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.

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(718): View more from New York

what happened last night?

(917): View more from New York City

u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style

(718): View more from New York

that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left

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(270): View more from Kentucky

you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.

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(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

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(847): View more from Illinois

i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.

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(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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(714): View more from California

we're chasing vodka with high fives

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(714): View more from California

Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me

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(817): View more from Texas

Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

(1-817): View more from Texas

You weighed it?

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(905): View more from Toronto

so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.

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(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(315): View more from New York

Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(954): View more from Florida

I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza

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(516): View more from New York

my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'

(301): View more from Maryland

Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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