Texts From Last Night · ctizz's Favorites

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ctizz's Favorites Texts:

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING

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(209): View more from California

I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.

(209): View more from California

Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.

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(509): View more from Washington

He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.

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(904): View more from Florida

My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.

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(720): View more from Colorado

We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.

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(845): View more from New York

I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."

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(210): View more from Texas

I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish

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(904): View more from Florida

It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?

(515): View more from Iowa

Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...

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(310): View more from California

I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis

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(805): View more from California

You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.

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(434): View more from Virginia

He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.

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(310): View more from California

I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?

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(254): View more from Texas

I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.

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(310): View more from California

how was it?

(1-310): View more from California

he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.

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(714): View more from California

Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.

(562): View more from California

You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.

(714): View more from California

Well someones bitter they didn't get any.

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(334): View more from Alabama

Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...

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(850): View more from Florida

Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.

(1-850): View more from Florida

Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted

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(661): View more from California

He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.

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(315): View more from New York

Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?

(540): View more from Virginia

Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude

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(631): View more from New York

Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.

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(540): View more from Virginia

all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes

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(519): View more from Ontario

you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"

(1-519): View more from Ontario

no way

(519): View more from Ontario

that's when i decided you were gonna be okay

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(704): View more from North Carolina

She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.

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(319): View more from Iowa

I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.

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(406): View more from Montana

I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself

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(989): View more from Michigan

We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!

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(613): View more from Ontario

New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."

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(651): View more from Minnesota

You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.

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(916): View more from California

I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.

(1-916): View more from California

Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

My vibrator challenges you to a duel.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.

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(315): View more from New York

What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?

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(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.

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(619): View more from California

We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

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(443): View more from Maryland

He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".

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(+61): View more from Australia

I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.

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(209): View more from California

High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..

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(248): View more from Michigan

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

what if every blade of grass was a penis?

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(515): View more from Iowa

I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.

(512): View more from Texas

That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?

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(845): View more from New York

Make me a sandwich

(301): View more from Maryland

The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.

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(636): View more from Missouri

You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.

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(817): View more from Texas

Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.

(972): View more from Texas

Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.

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(416): View more from Toronto

i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.

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(509): View more from Washington

I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.

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(303): View more from Colorado

nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ

(1-303): View more from Colorado

he is risen halelujah

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

She puked her nose ring out of her face.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating

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(254): View more from Texas

When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery

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(410): View more from Maryland

SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Don't text me with that hand

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(317): View more from Indiana

It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.

(1-317): View more from Indiana

Emoooo

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(301): View more from Maryland

Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass

(240): View more from Maryland

He should have died. Natural selection.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.

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(254): View more from Texas

By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.

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(917): View more from New York City

She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?

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(310): View more from California

I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"

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(712): View more from Iowa

I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love

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(607): View more from New York

Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth

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(914): View more from New York

I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day

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(785): View more from Kansas

That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.

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(587): View more from Alberta

Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap

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(309): View more from Illinois

We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.

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(914): View more from New York

There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone

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(516): View more from New York

i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.

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(703): View more from Virginia

So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?

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(815): View more from Illinois

It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.

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(916): View more from California

We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.

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(303): View more from Colorado

His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.

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(661): View more from California

There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.

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(812): View more from Indiana

that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level

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(352): View more from Florida

Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.

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(716): View more from New York

As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."

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(319): View more from Iowa

In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.

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(714): View more from California

Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww

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(757): View more from Virginia

Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy

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(860): View more from Connecticut

MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!

(860): View more from Connecticut

I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo

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(540): View more from Virginia

I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this

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(702): View more from Nevada

Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!

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(908): View more from New Jersey

and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"

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(678): View more from Georgia

I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...

(404): View more from Georgia

I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.

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(619): View more from California

Be still, my beating vagina.

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(408): View more from California

This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator

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(270): View more from Kentucky

and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown

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(434): View more from Virginia

i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.

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(907): View more from Alaska

He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg

(920): View more from Wisconsin

Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged

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(765): View more from Indiana

he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed

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(605): View more from South Dakota

You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.

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(302): View more from Delaware

He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".

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(707): View more from California

He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick

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(571): View more from Virginia

I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave

(617): View more from Massachusetts

dude are you serious?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

I know you already have a pic on your phone

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"

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(347): View more from New York

we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this

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(503): View more from Oregon

I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you

(541): View more from Oregon

I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know

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(816): View more from Missouri

He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.

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(708): View more from Illinois

bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.

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(301): View more from Maryland

The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.

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(720): View more from Colorado

He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You could give me a blowjob later? :)

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I meant do something romantic..

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Blowjob In the moonlight?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.

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(214): View more from Texas

Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street

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(908): View more from New Jersey

was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.

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(614): View more from Ohio

she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.

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(760): View more from California

It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.

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(850): View more from Florida

I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?

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(519): View more from Ontario

he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it

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(585): View more from New York

Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello

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(817): View more from Texas

I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.

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(706): View more from Georgia

She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things

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(941): View more from Florida

I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special

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(804): View more from Virginia

Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy

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(404): View more from Georgia

to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy

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(519): View more from Ontario

I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.

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(+33): View more from France

how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...

(413): View more from Massachusetts

how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers

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(864): View more from South Carolina

We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.

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(678): View more from Georgia

He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it

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(973): View more from New Jersey

this is a time for prayers...seriously

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...

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(586): View more from Michigan

he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.

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(903): View more from Texas

He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...

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(252): View more from North Carolina

so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.

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(954): View more from Florida

We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.

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(858): View more from California

Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls

(763): View more from Minnesota

is that a poem?!

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(626): View more from California

Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?

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(509): View more from Washington

My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.

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(512): View more from Texas

Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over

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(515): View more from Iowa

the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point

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(314): View more from Missouri

What happened to the watermelon?

(1-314): View more from Missouri

You fucked it.

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(443): View more from Maryland

We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm never eating chinese again.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.

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(343): View more from Ontario

His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted

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(307): View more from Wyoming

try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...

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(619): View more from California

I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson

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(919): View more from North Carolina

What are we going to do tonight?

(704): View more from North Carolina

What we try to do every night. Take over the world

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Why am I even shocked you're doing this....

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(352): View more from Florida

So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field

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(757): View more from Virginia

No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

wakey wakey hands off snakey

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

did u get his digits?

(201): View more from New Jersey

yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...

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(516): View more from New York

watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...

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(239): View more from Florida

Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?

(440): View more from Ohio

Probably.

(216): View more from Ohio

I'm in.

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(914): View more from New York

Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."

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(443): View more from Maryland

So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem

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(716): View more from New York

So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.

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(586): View more from Michigan

you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway

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(323): View more from California

Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."

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(614): View more from Ohio

My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.

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(305): View more from Florida

i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot

(1-305): View more from Florida

lets call myth busters

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(310): View more from California

I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls

(415): View more from California

Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?

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(281): View more from Texas

I just know... :) goodntight

(1-281): View more from Texas

Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.

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(512): View more from Texas

Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"

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(786): View more from Florida

He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....

(732): View more from New Jersey

This explains a lot.

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(206): View more from Washington

This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.

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(440): View more from Ohio

sarcasm needs its own font

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(417): View more from Missouri

I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.

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(812): View more from Indiana

No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...

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(615): View more from Tennessee

It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i dont know what to do

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

with your life?

(732): View more from New Jersey

no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3

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(818): View more from California

Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.

(818): View more from California

And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.

(302): View more from Delaware

You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.

(865): View more from Tennessee

They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done

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(604): View more from British Columbia

when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on

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(509): View more from Washington

I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.

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(410): View more from Maryland

When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.

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(207): View more from Maine

Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices

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(317): View more from Indiana

she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.

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(816): View more from Missouri

we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.

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(770): View more from Georgia

my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad

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(708): View more from Illinois

Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.

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(703): View more from Virginia

She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper

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(212): View more from New York

lets start a swedish sibling band together

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(+61): View more from Australia

yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn

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(708): View more from Illinois

Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?

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(708): View more from Illinois

Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.

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(409): View more from Texas

Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs

(1-409): View more from Texas

His name should be shouldn't

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia

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(847): View more from Illinois

Rock

(630): View more from Illinois

Scissors

(630): View more from Illinois

Fuck

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(813): View more from Florida

my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me

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(253): View more from Washington

Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i have to get rid of the hedgehog.

(765): View more from Indiana

Does it come with a cage?

(201): View more from New Jersey

yes. and food and toys.

(765): View more from Indiana

i'll trade you an 8th for it

(201): View more from New Jersey

deal.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing

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(303): View more from Colorado

Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)

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(586): View more from Michigan

love how google fills in search terms for you, today for example, i ran a query for "why do girls get t"

(586): View more from Michigan

and google finished it w/ "ramp stamps."

(586): View more from Michigan

I felt less weird knowing others had searched this before me.

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(217): View more from Illinois

The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.

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(210): View more from Texas

Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.

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(631): View more from New York

I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?

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(216): View more from Ohio

somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...

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(626): View more from California

I bet he comes in French.

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(443): View more from Maryland

he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila

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(631): View more from New York

im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger

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(812): View more from Indiana

apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"

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(207): View more from Maine

I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.

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(317): View more from Indiana

All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.

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(740): View more from Ohio

While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

They are making fun of natty and blackberries.

(646): View more from New York

Tell them they are ugly.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.

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(804): View more from Virginia

And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Ask politely.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Thats good enough.

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(310): View more from California

i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic

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(813): View more from Florida

right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.

(1-813): View more from Florida

only on the fourth of july.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fuck appropriateness.

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(817): View more from Texas

you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag

(817): View more from Texas

could you get any more awkward?

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(614): View more from Ohio

I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.

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(916): View more from California

my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

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(806): View more from Texas

Two words Indian burn...

(1-806): View more from Texas

What did she think it was, a shake weight?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime

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(314): View more from Missouri

My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

like hot dogs and buns.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter

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(718): View more from New York

he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty

(917): View more from New York City

smooth operator

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(585): View more from New York

he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice

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(703): View more from Virginia

Quoting wale wont save you from herpes

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(240): View more from Maryland

I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.

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(602): View more from Arizona

you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!

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(360): View more from Washington

While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

How wet are you?

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

Ever heard of a U-boat?

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(516): View more from New York

The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.

(614): View more from Ohio

Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money

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(480): View more from Arizona

I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.

(602): View more from Arizona

you slept with him again didn't you

(480): View more from Arizona

you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well

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(678): View more from Georgia

I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband

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(913): View more from Kansas

Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're the best girlfriend ever.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Im so hungover

(248): View more from Michigan

Come over i have rolls

(201): View more from New Jersey

Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?

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(828): View more from North Carolina

you will always have a special place in my vag

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?

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(303): View more from Colorado

He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!

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(856): View more from New Jersey

It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.

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(714): View more from California

Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.

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(207): View more from Maine

reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.

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(317): View more from Indiana

dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.

(1-317): View more from Indiana

details please.

(317): View more from Indiana

they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."

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(913): View more from Kansas

sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.

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(904): View more from Florida

i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk

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(618): View more from Illinois

i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(317): View more from Indiana

cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture

(1-336): View more from North Carolina

Glad to see your being a lady about this

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(209): View more from California

I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.

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(407): View more from Florida

Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water

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(336): View more from North Carolina

This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.

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(802): View more from Vermont

every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.

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(850): View more from Florida

Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.

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(813): View more from Florida

so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across

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(207): View more from Maine

Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.

(1-207): View more from Maine

I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...

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(212): View more from New York

Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.

(248): View more from Michigan

hah, sarcasm, classic

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(251): View more from Alabama

the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.

(608): View more from Wisconsin

Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.

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(317): View more from Indiana

she was licking his armpits.

(317): View more from Indiana

asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.

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(708): View more from Illinois

This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.

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(917): View more from New York City

pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock

(347): View more from New York

I THOUGHT I SAW YOU

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"

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(518): View more from New York

All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

(301): View more from Maryland

OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

(518): View more from New York

Doritoesssssss

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(248): View more from Michigan

We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.

(440): View more from Ohio

I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.

(248): View more from Michigan

Playoffs. This shit is serious.

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(302): View more from Delaware

i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

story of my life.

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(248): View more from Michigan

The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.

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(360): View more from Washington

i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man

(206): View more from Washington

?

(360): View more from Washington

he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!

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(516): View more from New York

Are you with Adam and his vodka?

(1-516): View more from New York

Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued

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(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.

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(613): View more from Ontario

She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.

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(817): View more from Texas

He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

You should've just screamed yes we can!

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(336): View more from North Carolina

You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.

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(425): View more from Washington

Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.

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(216): View more from Ohio

she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???

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(703): View more from Virginia

look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys

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(352): View more from Florida

homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...

(1-352): View more from Florida

so you did it...

(352): View more from Florida

obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.

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(972): View more from Texas

The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

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(361): View more from Texas

I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.

(1-361): View more from Texas

Def the best call fo sho

(361): View more from Texas

That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes

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(317): View more from Indiana

It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?

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(862): View more from New Jersey

5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF

(973): View more from New Jersey

children are so perceptive these days... and horny

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(509): View more from Washington

My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.

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(914): View more from New York

he puts the penis in happiness.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja

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(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.

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(912): View more from Georgia

I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers

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(303): View more from Colorado

Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny

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(858): View more from California

Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch

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(630): View more from Illinois

He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...

(708): View more from Illinois

I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....

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(303): View more from Colorado

If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie

(420): View more from

your the best winggirl ever

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(903): View more from Texas

Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.

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(207): View more from Maine

I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."

(423): View more from Tennessee

Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"

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(317): View more from Indiana

Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar

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(562): View more from California

Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on

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(940): View more from Texas

nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that

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(765): View more from Indiana

just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.

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(317): View more from Indiana

He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(214): View more from Texas

Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over

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(559): View more from California

Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.

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(630): View more from Illinois

the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.

(630): View more from Illinois

just thought you should know her name is kristen

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(519): View more from Ontario

her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs

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(302): View more from Delaware

I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game

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(240): View more from Maryland

I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

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(281): View more from Texas

Thanks for getting me home last night.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi

(214): View more from Texas

ok, stay where you are, be there soon

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(862): View more from New Jersey

win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight

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(727): View more from Florida

Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"

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(214): View more from Texas

decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg

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(281): View more from Texas

Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.

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(917): View more from New York City

If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her

(732): View more from New Jersey

Clearly I went along with it

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(718): View more from New York

Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him

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(806): View more from Texas

Jesus knows you're telling a lie.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup

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(773): View more from Illinois

When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger

(708): View more from Illinois

You are the reason we need health care reform

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?

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(716): View more from New York

Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!

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(317): View more from Indiana

and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way

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(862): View more from New Jersey

found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.

(260): View more from Indiana

He probs deserved it.

(317): View more from Indiana

Every good man does.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks

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(443): View more from Maryland

Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella

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(630): View more from Illinois

My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.

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(760): View more from California

I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.

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(517): View more from Michigan

There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated

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(646): View more from New York

Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them

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(775): View more from Nevada

Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation

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(512): View more from Texas

its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.

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(925): View more from California

If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.

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(847): View more from Illinois

He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night

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(417): View more from Missouri

He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.

(417): View more from Missouri

He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.

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(716): View more from New York

i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

it's 1 pm.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper

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(512): View more from Texas

its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty

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(513): View more from Ohio

Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.

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(619): View more from California

thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina

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(720): View more from Colorado

its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous

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(416): View more from Ontario

Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.

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(585): View more from New York

I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.

(1-585): View more from New York

You are so irish.

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(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"

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(720): View more from Colorado

I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was

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(614): View more from Ohio

if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?

(1-614): View more from Ohio

i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.

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(+65): View more from

He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"

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(248): View more from Michigan

it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world

(1-248): View more from Michigan

i told you not to try chat roulette

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(269): View more from Michigan

Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown

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(567): View more from Ohio

we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

you were grabbing cocks left and right

(808): View more from Hawaii

you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"

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(937): View more from Ohio

He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I love you

(720): View more from Colorado

are you drunk

(440): View more from Ohio

yes but I def love you, we should get married

(720): View more from Colorado

But I'm Jewish

(440): View more from Ohio

embrace Jesus

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(845): View more from New York

just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.

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