Texts From Last Night · gladyz

gladyz_lz's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.

Fav 10 2393 1074
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?

(1-574): View more from Indiana

meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?

Fav 8 2257 902
share tweet

(405): View more from Oklahoma

he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.

Fav 19 6369 1345
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.

Fav 49 8103 2557
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"

Fav 35 6175 8824
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.

Fav 22 4783 1793
share tweet

(847): View more from Illinois

u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends

Fav 14 4629 2257
share tweet

(613): View more from Ontario

I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games

Fav 18 4491 1561
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.

Fav 15 3709 1152
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.

Fav 35 3163 1848
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome

Fav 13 5410 1360
share tweet

(845): View more from New York

Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12

Fav 6 2703 786
share tweet

(615): View more from Tennessee

Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

By a pack of ravenous dildos

Fav 3 2421 815
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.

Fav 27 5086 1307
share tweet

(503): View more from Oregon

My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf

Fav 28 1669 7444
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid

Fav 16 2695 1259
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?

Fav 18 4336 1050
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.

Fav 17 4775 2017
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?

Fav 10 3243 1103
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

True on all accounts.

Fav 13 3856 1323
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?

Fav 12 4625 1605
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.

Fav 44 8674 1523
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.

Fav 9 3306 1183
share tweet
(862): View more from New Jersey

Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip

Fav 15 2356 6314
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."

Fav 18 5502 1675
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.

Fav 9 3656 1160
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.

Fav 20 3248 1767
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.

Fav 5 5231 1130
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity

Fav 9 2559 1035
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.

Fav 20 7669 1425
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.

Fav 13 5939 1458
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.

Fav 6 4350 979
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."

Fav 5 2805 952
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave

Fav 5 1274 3319
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico

Fav 28 3829 1279
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.

Fav 16 7276 2628
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

What changed your mind?

(1-616): View more from Michigan

Being sober

Fav 3 1876 873
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.

Fav 50 5302 1949
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj

Fav 5 1632 669
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.

Fav 8 1679 1036
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."

Fav 5 5012 1043
share tweet
(818): View more from California

The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.

Fav 18 6434 923
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?

Fav 16 4234 922
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.

(410): View more from Maryland

The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.

Fav 10 1201 2348
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?

(651): View more from Minnesota

Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better

Fav 5 2457 932
share tweet
(213): View more from California

Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.

(1-213): View more from California

best text I've received ever.

Fav 16 5350 1142
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.

Fav 9 2714 1253
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.

Fav 20 8427 1469
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!

Fav 68 7210 1326
share tweet
(289): View more from Ontario

Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.

Fav 17 5755 1340
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.

Fav 4 1637 1028
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.

Fav 9 6969 1483
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

i dedicated my morning wood to you.

Fav 17 5514 952
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

Fav 87 26958 5266
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.

Fav 17 3456 1118
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood

Fav 1 1455 1961
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.

Fav 12 3694 891
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.

(1-954): View more from Florida

Marco

(954): View more from Florida

Polo

Fav 7 2945 909
share tweet
(805): View more from California

I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life

Fav 22 1314 2009
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?

(1-419): View more from Ohio

Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.

Fav 20 3700 932
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.

Fav 18 5170 1111
share tweet
(587): View more from Alberta

His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?

(780): View more from Alberta, CA

You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?

(587): View more from Alberta

She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.

Fav 68 2710 4919
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan

Fav 14 2440 1002
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?

Fav 13 2162 842
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"

(404): View more from Georgia

I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.

Fav 3 2713 894
share tweet
(310): View more from California

It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.

(415): View more from California

That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.

Fav 11 2299 898
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!

Fav 10 2256 1141
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

(315): View more from New York

Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.

Fav 16 4600 1113
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.

Fav 15 852 2174
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn

(706): View more from Georgia

And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her

Fav 49 3651 1022
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

Porn is love you can see.

Fav 9 1436 1007
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.

Fav 28 1728 10651
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.

Fav 21 1467 846
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.

Fav 47 5873 1733
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.

Fav 5 2400 784
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head

(770): View more from Georgia

Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you

Fav 20 4202 823
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!

Fav 5 1153 1622
share tweet
(905): View more from Toronto

I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it

Fav 32 4652 2203
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick

Fav 32 3262 1156
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy

Fav 7 1378 3136
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods

Fav 13 7360 1549
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Reggie can tackle my bush.

Fav 32 4620 1445
share tweet
(980): View more from North Carolina

How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.

Fav 10 1022 2288
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry

Fav 8 716 2429
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?

Fav 12 1478 1509
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.

Fav 14 6689 1328
share tweet
(474): View more from

Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.

Fav 28 6847 1454
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about

Fav 23 1683 6598
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Sorry. Im on my way.

Fav 23 6538 1353
share tweet
(226): View more from Ontario

This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.

Fav 6 3207 920
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

God wants them to get laid too.

Fav 59 8464 1869
share tweet
(323): View more from California

I totes stole your whore crown.

(239): View more from Florida

With great power comes great responsibility.

Fav 57 6366 1038
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Penises. Everywhere.

(772): View more from Florida

You're. Welcome.

Fav 5 2567 807
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

Sacagawea was the original milf.

Fav 39 5532 1220
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.

Fav 13 1264 1046
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is

Fav 16 5510 2225
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.

Fav 46 10718 1840
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

one word: firstdatebathroomanal

Fav 24 5169 1685
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.

Fav 32 8194 2862
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

she was so not down for the gang bang

Fav 4 1027 1681
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.

Fav 12 8243 1767
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL

(609): View more from New Jersey

dude. stop pregaming the food network.

Fav 6 2546 926
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year

Fav 4 1204 2420
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point

Fav 10 6712 1233
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.

Fav 42 5485 1007
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.

Fav 76 3761 2238
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.

Fav 12 2620 1488
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth

Fav 38 5833 1957
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?

Fav 38 6230 2039
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.

Fav 11 2339 1357
share tweet
(365): View more from

As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.

(1-365): View more from

I was judging you.

Fav 3 3442 829
share tweet
(432): View more from Texas

3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.

(1-432): View more from Texas

Erry day erry day!

Fav 22 2794 1470
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.

Fav 4 1799 811
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.

Fav 17 4652 1297
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?

Fav 12 2492 764
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.

Fav 6 3193 1172
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.

Fav 33 12019 3445
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts

Fav 9 2060 881
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.

Fav 25 1302 4500
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.

Fav 16 3536 1058
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy

Fav 13 2807 859
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.

Fav 22 7351 1404
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both

Fav 9 3326 1194
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.

Fav 3 1539 850
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood

Fav 20 4342 1441
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.

Fav 9 1937 754
share tweet
(530): View more from California

My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans

(530): View more from California

You've been usurped as King of the Gays

Fav 19 2135 1035
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?

Fav 11 2016 1212
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.

Fav 10 1474 969
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.

Fav 2 2109 999
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.

Fav 9 3167 906
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.

Fav 14 2433 783
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.

Fav 13 3380 997
share tweet
(714): View more from California

So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.

Fav 5 2094 735
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

We were fucking at break-dick speeds.

Fav 15 2184 936
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.

Fav 17 2834 831
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"

Fav 17 4390 990
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.

(937): View more from Ohio

Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!

Fav 19 4644 841
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates

Fav 28 4243 887
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?

Fav 29 4165 1019
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.

Fav 10 888 1929
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.

Fav 2 1572 1265
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake

(1-561): View more from Florida

Who the fuck is this

Fav 13 5078 1252
share tweet
(731): View more from Tennessee

all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were

Fav 12 2888 961
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?

Fav 12 2217 4061
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?

Fav 28 4819 1182
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Same.

Fav 10 2456 1137
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.

Fav 25 6499 1152
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..

(1-330): View more from Ohio

that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.

Fav 12 2046 887
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina

Fav 9 1506 890
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."

Fav 20 3058 937
share tweet
(580): View more from Oklahoma

it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch

Fav 15 3193 922
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance

Fav 10 2586 994
share tweet
(320): View more from Minnesota

I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...

(1-320): View more from Minnesota

It's been a bad semester.

Fav 9 1323 2420
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore

Fav 14 3137 1295
share tweet
(+27): View more from South Africa

She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."

Fav 13 2229 1088
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina

Fav 16 2197 1008
share tweet
(559): View more from California

I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.

Fav 25 1497 3317
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?

(810): View more from Michigan

shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you

Fav 14 2706 1061
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with

(509): View more from Washington

Isn't life beautiful?

Fav 13 2369 1321
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.

Fav 20 5195 1144
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.

Fav 18 2225 1197
share tweet
(862): View more from New Jersey

He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking

Fav 15 2837 1343
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.

Fav 23 5876 1070
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."

Fav 15 2588 1119
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night

(401): View more from Rhode Island

no, that is not a typo

(401): View more from Rhode Island

i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday

Fav 50 6984 2587
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?

(770): View more from Georgia

I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."

Fav 6 3006 1181
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.

Fav 30 4109 3153
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.

Fav 27 8855 1630
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.

Fav 11 3652 1555
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."

Fav 34 6321 1725
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.

Fav 39 2144 5762
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.

Fav 21 4719 904
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience

Fav 37 6872 1177
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.

Fav 13 6799 1523
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?

Fav 6 3634 907
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

I don`t remember Saturday, actually

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

Its ok, i dont remember 2007

Fav 16 8194 1333
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."

(401): View more from Rhode Island

I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.

Fav 17 5536 1277
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.

Fav 18 5816 1019
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.

Fav 42 2184 14886
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!

(1-440): View more from Ohio

I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!

Fav 80 1452 4255
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow

Fav 17 3844 1236
share tweet
(619): View more from California

definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius

Fav 25 3187 1135
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...

Fav 5 2458 1250
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.

(1-334): View more from Alabama

Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.

Fav 22 5115 1229
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.

Fav 12 1220 5334
share tweet
(323): View more from California

If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"

Fav 19 3095 1194
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project

Fav 6 2947 1519
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.

Fav 23 9752 1433
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5

(312): View more from Illinois

Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy

Fav 2 1235 754
share tweet
(925): View more from California

if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars

Fav 16 5442 1554
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"

Fav 13 9391 1461
share tweet
(562): View more from California

I wanna eat

(562): View more from California

then frost

(562): View more from California

then eat your cupcake

Fav 12 1480 867
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again

Fav 14 7512 1779
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.

Fav 14 5610 1256
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

True romance of the 21st century.

Fav 63 13878 1722
share tweet
(310): View more from California

do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?

Fav 30 2420 10501
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell

Fav 9 3611 954
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.

Fav 51 9348 1296
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.

Fav 17 1868 3227
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down

Fav 6 4510 1489
share tweet
(760): View more from California

It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.

Fav 13 6149 1314
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.

Fav 60 892 5314
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.

Fav 17 3009 1068
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?

Fav 48 5487 1604
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.

Fav 26 2379 1591
share tweet
(650): View more from California

areolas are like halos for boobs.

Fav 41 5465 1561
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck

Fav 18 3669 1149
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.

Fav 9 952 2916
share tweet
(415): View more from California

I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.

Fav 6 2640 1231
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us

Fav 32 1259 7931
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car

Fav 191 16687 2800
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.

(504): View more from Louisiana

That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.

Fav 2 2682 946
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.

Fav 8 1480 3181
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...

Fav 19 2253 7743
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Wish you were here....

(734): View more from Michigan

And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?

Fav 36 2402 7398
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

ru fi oooo

Fav 71 5506 990
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?

(212): View more from New York

Vagina

Fav 9 2699 1020
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out

Fav 14 5453 961
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"

Fav 17 6731 1440
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."

Fav 22 4018 2138
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?

Fav 18 2846 1096
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.

Fav 4 2341 915
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.

Fav 6 2570 876
share tweet
(925): View more from California

2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.

Fav 74 12295 1660
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.

Fav 14 3431 1852
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.

Fav 31 7104 1594
share tweet
(310): View more from California

hey what are you doing

(310): View more from California

hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!

(310): View more from California

i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic

Fav 59 880 5075
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?

Fav 4 3147 1107
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.

Fav 43 12346 1748
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.

Fav 34 6397 3406
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.

Fav 15 3805 831
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.

Fav 18 4706 1066
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!

Fav 7 1954 791
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."

Fav 23 2476 1553
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang

Fav 12 4423 1055
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.

Fav 7 2165 1178
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.

Fav 12 3245 1094
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents

Fav 48 1445 3539
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"

Fav 4 1724 748
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".

Fav 6 2315 938
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?

Fav 12 3150 1270
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.

Fav 24 5722 1410
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.

Fav 3 4443 1042
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.

Fav 49 8103 1610
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...

Fav 15 1467 3222
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.

Fav 9 4058 1732
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized

(914): View more from New York

No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."

Fav 23 3550 1062
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.

(210): View more from Texas

It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?

(512): View more from Texas

Is your card paying for my plan b?

Fav 12 1595 3096
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.

(1-850): View more from Florida

Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.

Fav 80 4458 1099
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience

Fav 12 2907 1011
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...

Fav 23 1582 4871
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"

Fav 12 6304 1490
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

be more specific...?

Fav 6 2264 891
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.

Fav 34 2160 4719
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....

Fav 16 2235 5365
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?

(720): View more from Colorado

Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.

Fav 35 13258 1730
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved

Fav 11 5648 1720
share tweet
(310): View more from California

You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...

Fav 9 2375 6139
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.

Fav 20 6619 1021
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic

Fav 44 8994 1416
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann

(803): View more from South Carolina

honey you're def caucasian

(704): View more from North Carolina

i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z

Fav 4 1954 870
share tweet
(626): View more from California

He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.

Fav 62 1522 7927
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

people would bow to what i just did to her vagina

Fav 31 7678 872
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time

(1-763): View more from Minnesota

Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.

Fav 29 1470 3054
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I drank myself into bisexuality again.

Fav 16 6461 1500
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.

Fav 17 8382 1455
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...

(1-937): View more from Ohio

I see you've learned your lesson.

Fav 12 6916 1279
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize

Fav 8 874 2844
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?

Fav 16 3075 974
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"

Fav 16 4038 1138
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out

Fav 48 1736 7026
share tweet
(807): View more from Ontario

your like the ambassador to my penis.

Fav 8 1763 1023
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

Fav 41 8709 1717
share tweet
(308): View more from Nebraska

He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.

Fav 13 3507 1541
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply

(1-414): View more from Wisconsin

I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday

Fav 10 5449 1135
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?

Fav 5 2006 870
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.

Fav 4 2565 985
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.

Fav 29 4625 1276
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.

Fav 43 15732 1825
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?

Fav 24 6915 1240
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality

Fav 6 1059 1132
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage

Fav 14 3482 1035
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.

Fav 16 3214 1482
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic

Fav 35 3812 1855
share tweet
(650): View more from California

apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again

Fav 23 1650 4015
share tweet
(323): View more from California

Booty call?

(310): View more from California

Dude you don't even follow my twitter

Fav 15 957 2952
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.

Fav 142 2866 2587
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?

Fav 12 959 1221
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.

Fav 8 3075 1058
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.

Fav 14 1753 3711
share tweet
(858): View more from California

batman tramp stamp. Dibs.

Fav 56 10860 1257
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.

Fav 57 6612 899
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.

Fav 34 1508 13680
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign

Fav 9 3434 1318
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.

Fav 39 4555 1188
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....

Fav 13 3906 923
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying

Fav 2 842 1258
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

The panties match.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

I'll be right there.

Fav 35 6291 1349
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."

Fav 24 5163 984
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time

Fav 21 6141 1580
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?

(541): View more from Oregon

I don't know but we should still do that

Fav 20 5502 1043
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

Well... I doubt that.

Fav 25 1747 1053
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeeah thank god

(816): View more from Missouri

Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.

Fav 55 2544 16037
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.

Fav 34 2163 5355
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.

(540): View more from Virginia

You guys make me sad

(703): View more from Virginia

You misspelled jealous there

Fav 23 12229 1869
share tweet
(707): View more from California

OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.

(1-707): View more from California

Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.

Fav 11 1961 3580
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

we just fucked in the mcds parking lot

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

wasnt he a virgin

(732): View more from New Jersey

yes we got celebratory milkshakes after

Fav 60 13975 1549
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?

Fav 56 4466 1367
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

he said i'm too pretty to suck penis

Fav 100 14230 2124
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?

Fav 12 3611 1145
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?

Fav 18 4315 1404
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.

Fav 15 5738 1907
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay

Fav 24 6038 1065
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.

Fav 4 1641 732
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"

Fav 16 1867 3013
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country

Fav 27 4878 1158
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.

Fav 19 2646 1268
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won

Fav 6 3905 1054
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.

Fav 8 3119 902
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.

Fav 14 1214 2990
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.

Fav 6 3355 893
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.

Fav 6 1000 2078
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.

Fav 24 3364 1046
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.

Fav 47 15888 1251
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.

(716): View more from New York

i dont this its possible to queef on command.

Fav 90 1218 3141
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.

Fav 21 4459 1613
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.

Fav 58 9598 1047
share tweet
(760): View more from California

genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex

Fav 33 3729 1783
share tweet
(415): View more from California

No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."

Fav 91 4874 1611
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

I just want to hang out with her.

(916): View more from California

You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.

Fav 24 2141 4122
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''

Fav 22 7626 1297
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.

Fav 35 4884 1643
share tweet
(308): View more from Nebraska

Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.

Fav 20 8247 1067
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord

Fav 10 3139 972
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.

Fav 18 2044 6546
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.

Fav 4 3331 749
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20

Fav 48 1449 6966
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room

Fav 50 1974 8464
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.

Fav 39 4307 1122
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex

Fav 7 2119 1203
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"

Fav 48 4532 1057
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina

Fav 16 1070 8594
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.

(1-907): View more from Alaska

Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..

Fav 45 7828 1206
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.

(1-813): View more from Florida

Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.

Fav 90 8434 2048
share tweet
(619): View more from California

you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog

(716): View more from New York

do you not see the irony in that??

Fav 73 16812 1657
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot

(770): View more from Georgia

Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.

Fav 15 5399 877
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.

Fav 13 4893 1085
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS

Fav 35 8667 1553
share tweet
(551): View more from New Jersey

She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does

Fav 26 10659 926
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.

(602): View more from Arizona

you slept with him again didn't you

(480): View more from Arizona

you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well

Fav 21 6126 1655
share tweet
(714): View more from California

his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time

Fav 21 4403 914
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.

Fav 50 10333 2797
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.

Fav 11 3428 1413
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.

Fav 7 1238 4906
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning

Fav 33 10126 1183
share tweet
(650): View more from California

PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?

(773): View more from Illinois

No - puma.

Fav 8 1988 765
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.

Fav 21 6426 1303
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek

Fav 5 1215 3864
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Those memories are both hazy and awesome.

Fav 6 2166 820
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.

Fav 31 4656 1486
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings

Fav 40 1173 7670
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.

Fav 34 5939 1119
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.

Fav 26 1501 8273
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator

(954): View more from Florida

you didnt stop her?

(305): View more from Florida

too entertaining

Fav 49 5064 881
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now

(1-484): View more from Pennsylvania

sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

:)

Fav 12 4219 965
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.

Fav 12 5371 947
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"

Fav 20 7275 1429
share tweet
(415): View more from California

the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication

Fav 16 9586 1521
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.

Fav 29 7978 1175
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year

(847): View more from Illinois

And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month

Fav 91 912 3357
share tweet
(956): View more from Texas

What do you think she thinks of us?

(1-956): View more from Texas

I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us

Fav 8 2576 826
share tweet
(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"

Fav 27 5342 1801
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper

Fav 57 28705 1989
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple

Fav 61 1401 6947
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

She brought up feelings... her days are numbered

Fav 19 2109 5673
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year

Fav 19 8965 1488
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like

Fav 72 13228 1640
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!

(985): View more from Louisiana

doesn't he have a girlfriend???

(504): View more from Louisiana

yeah...who do you think woke us up...

Fav 21 1310 2091
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!

Fav 23 888 4841
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.

Fav 4 3934 1309
share tweet
(510): View more from California

I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.

Fav 24 7084 1891
share tweet
(650): View more from California

Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"

Fav 13 7386 2404
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.

Fav 13 3056 1647
share tweet
(905): View more from Toronto

Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?

(1-905): View more from Toronto

i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood

Fav 23 5652 1292
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate

Fav 16 6341 1181
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.

Fav 9 2146 7372
share tweet
(707): View more from California

I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.

(951): View more from California

That's the thing about women.

Fav 6 1059 2763
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

he told me I talked like a deaf person

Fav 9 1055 5856
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash

Fav 15 8007 1218
share tweet
(209): View more from California

it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits

Fav 22 1399 7621
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.

Fav 39 1163 7147
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!

Fav 10 1072 4715
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.

Fav 20 8897 1670
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.

Fav 36 3895 1234
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."

Fav 5 2096 1245
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".

Fav 12 2347 4187
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm not a mortal combat character

(410): View more from Maryland

but my vagina is

Fav 16 1753 850
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?

Fav 28 871 1276
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.

Fav 7 3510 1081
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.

Fav 14 3540 1373
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american

Fav 194 3430 16186
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.

(901): View more from Tennessee

BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that

Fav 26 2211 4507
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...

Fav 15 7601 1259
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids

Fav 38 9918 1931
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister

Fav 56 9534 2866
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?

Fav 56 1643 14040
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"

Fav 42 1660 7028
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton

(1-770): View more from Georgia

i said paris hilton

(770): View more from Georgia

thats even worse

Fav 8 1115 2485
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?

Fav 23 5703 1607
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.

Fav 28 4784 1011
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

which gay bar do you need a ride home from?

Fav 14 1844 5221
share tweet
(580): View more from Oklahoma

She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.

Fav 28 8961 1270
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.

Fav 9 7034 1368
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.

Fav 64 2185 8777
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.

Fav 3 1372 2091
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.

Fav 18 2726 3963
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..

Fav 36 1112 11040
share tweet
(424): View more from California

I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick

Fav 1 1164 1420
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina

Fav 23 7704 1289
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.

Fav 22 2997 6799
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?

Fav 67 17830 2410
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.

Fav 24 5591 1870
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.

Fav 6 4546 1770
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'

Fav 22 2595 4862
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.

Fav 59 5551 5150
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.

(1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.

Fav 15 1215 2507
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar

Fav 11 4884 2142
share tweet
(228): View more from Mississippi

yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations

Fav 16 5909 908
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

what if every blade of grass was a penis?

Fav 34 4541 1453
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.

(716): View more from New York

you're writing country songs now?

Fav 32 2217 7005
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

when are you leaving homes?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51

(302): View more from Delaware

I had a sex dream about Oprah.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

go back to sleep

(302): View more from Delaware

dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.

Fav 16 1738 5761
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.

(1-360): View more from Washington

That changes everything.

Fav 27 5370 1107
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it

Fav 15 8085 1468
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.

Fav 9 5459 1387
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.

Fav 10 3397 1278
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no

Fav 15 2905 1614
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.

Fav 10 10143 1539
share tweet
(707): View more from California

I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.

Fav 29 4184 2784
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.

Fav 67 11277 1373
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?

Fav 35 1319 15409
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.

Fav 16 3506 1067
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.

Fav 10 2556 1185
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while

Fav 21 5600 1246
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.

Fav 26 7055 1555
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties

Fav 16 1320 797
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.

Fav 6 4336 1384
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian

Fav 7 1724 3008
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps

Fav 7 5159 1542
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo

Fav 38 1120 5024
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

(1-817): View more from Texas

You weighed it?

Fav 37 23138 2050
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.

Fav 14 892 2294
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!

(678): View more from Georgia

correction: escorted out

Fav 23 5576 1323
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas

Fav 58 1396 6434
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

i can juggle bunnies

(1-802): View more from Vermont

cool

(802): View more from Vermont

on fire

Fav 11 3487 1251
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?

(910): View more from North Carolina

That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?

(770): View more from Georgia

Touche.

(910): View more from North Carolina

I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.

Fav 6 4342 1238
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.

Fav 13 3020 893
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

Its gonna be a symphony of fucks

Fav 7 1964 896
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple

Fav 60 1114 6476
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."

Fav 8 4084 1131
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave

(703): View more from Virginia

and miss being on the news....no way

Fav 21 9195 1573
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.

(407): View more from Florida

i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.

Fav 32 11083 1167
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.

Fav 19 1448 3348
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped

Fav 23 7260 1387
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.

Fav 13 1363 4935
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.

Fav 6 1016 1270
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.

Fav 6 4743 958
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Ppl just aren't as funny as we are

Fav 7 1768 966
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Church boner. Awkwardddd

Fav 43 3029 6021
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.

Fav 31 1451 4123
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity

Fav 9 4119 1650
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

I wanna come home

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

And do what?

(270): View more from Kentucky

Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.

Fav 4 2765 929
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"

Fav 26 2585 9621
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.

Fav 33 1307 4595
share tweet
(551): View more from New Jersey

Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead

(201): View more from New Jersey

NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"

Fav 85 5233 1425
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!

(1-313): View more from Michigan

it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...

Fav 13 1154 2226
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.

Fav 85 13433 1865
share tweet
(858): View more from California

Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?

Fav 27 1005 8600
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

How has he not realized you're pregnant?

(201): View more from New Jersey

Spanx.

Fav 31 1493 5649
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis

Fav 22 4153 975
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?

(206): View more from Washington

only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.

Fav 72 1286 9281
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I think mounting someone proves who's house this is

Fav 5 1849 988
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you

Fav 3 4107 1077
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.

(352): View more from Florida

I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.

Fav 28 7719 1162
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl

Fav 43 3066 951
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.

Fav 23 6014 2310
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.

Fav 9 1504 3006
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

Fav 81 46058 2516
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?

Fav 33 1280 7401
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.

Fav 34 1582 10021
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.

Fav 37 6056 932
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about

Fav 32 8108 1354
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.

Fav 5 4396 1004
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.

Fav 29 7566 1427
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers

Fav 14 1193 4648
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.

(416): View more from Toronto

Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!

Fav 40 10889 1670
share tweet
(831): View more from California

i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3

Fav 22 5879 963
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.

Fav 40 1181 7998
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.

Fav 11 3613 1262
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently

Fav 17 5326 940
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.

Fav 16 1898 3634
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.

Fav 7 4009 1400
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.

Fav 44 1817 4728
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

Fav 842 146097 10747
share tweet
(858): View more from California

he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order

Fav 2 925 2221
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!

Fav 26 13074 1764
share tweet
(707): View more from California

I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n

(559): View more from California

sry, psychiatrist trumps professor

Fav 44 7008 1414
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.

Fav 10 1636 2221
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.

Fav 19 1853 3593
share tweet
(925): View more from California

I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.

Fav 22 6844 1621
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.

Fav 18 978 4037
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.

Fav 12 4566 1150
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend

Fav 8 1423 2323
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????

Fav 39 6720 1954
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward

Fav 23 4817 1402
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava

Fav 164 2596 3894
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.

Fav 45 3902 1256
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.

Fav 14 4782 1284
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.

Fav 3 3280 1095
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines

Fav 9 3235 1500
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?

Fav 39 8768 1404
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat

Fav 9 1051 6112
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol

(661): View more from California

HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator

Fav 6 1451 867
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

just do him I won't tell jon

(1-269): View more from Michigan

um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore

Fav 7 1246 2934
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

so... how was it???

(317): View more from Indiana

he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy

Fav 14 859 3211
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.

Fav 15 3446 875
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??

(1-925): View more from California

Yes. Yes it is.

Fav 12 4739 2161
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..

Fav 8 6048 1447
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I just saw a hot homeless man

Fav 18 1507 1028
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.

(702): View more from Nevada

now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"

Fav 17 8739 1619
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex

Fav 20 3736 1641
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.

Fav 29 6851 1479
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.

Fav 800 8593 112716
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS

Fav 40 9791 1091
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"

Fav 7 5645 1936
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.

Fav 13 919 5736
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you

Fav 39 20273 1573
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent

(860): View more from Connecticut

fuckk wrong person

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

.. who was that for? a girlscout?

Fav 31 3169 1865
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?

Fav 14 1945 1010
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

she told me i tasted like america

Fav 31 8270 1594
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.

Fav 2 2363 837
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.

Fav 11 3933 1054
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...

Fav 10 3150 909
share tweet
(213): View more from California

Her brother is deaf.

(214): View more from Texas

no wonder she was so good with her hands

Fav 6 5805 1336
share tweet
(714): View more from California

So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him

Fav 113 8285 1575
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

I learned to sign I want to be on you today

(1-309): View more from Illinois

Score

(309): View more from Illinois

Deaf chicks here I come

Fav 35 5833 948
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope

Fav 8 3799 970
share tweet
(310): View more from California

kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.

(1-310): View more from California

damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.

Fav 65 3000 3948
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING

(617): View more from Massachusetts

you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.

Fav 34 8875 1996
share tweet
(818): View more from California

im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.

Fav 23 2289 6946
share tweet
(661): View more from California

I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."

Fav 18 1300 4279
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think

Fav 30 1788 1478
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.

Fav 4 3179 1213
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.

Fav 28 1689 7886
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15

Fav 33 7867 1010
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.

(1-727): View more from Florida

Lol welcome to greek life

Fav 43 1149 4494
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?

Fav 11 1896 1323
share tweet
(361): View more from Texas

yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.

(361): View more from Texas

I just can't bring boyfriends home.

Fav 29 1431 4977
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.

Fav 41 8976 2977
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.

Fav 101 10304 1563
share tweet