Texts From Last Night · landrebelshark's Favorites

Sorry brewedintexas96 hasn't picked any favorites yet.

landrebelshark's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(682): View more from Texas

I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face

Fav 16 5920 1556
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours

Fav 5 3061 1134
share tweet

(845): View more from New York

I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar

Fav 22 1200 1836
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND

Fav 11 2567 1061
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.

Fav 17 3422 965
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.

Fav 11 2921 1017
share tweet

(949): View more from California

You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.

Fav 15 3288 936
share tweet

(419): View more from Ohio

My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong

Fav 10 2070 956
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.

Fav 4 2820 1036
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply

(1-414): View more from Wisconsin

I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday

Fav 10 5449 1135
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.

Fav 13 4584 1213
share tweet

(705): View more from Ontario

Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

Fav 41 8709 1717
share tweet

(303): View more from Colorado

Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group

(1-303): View more from Colorado

But you wear shame so well

Fav 4 3154 1009
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.

Fav 20 4562 1466
share tweet

(850): View more from Florida

hungover and i feel like a burrito

(1-850): View more from Florida

like eating one or like you are one?

(850): View more from Florida

like i am one.

Fav 10 2596 988
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Found your dick twin last night

Fav 5 2477 1081
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

yeah you don't forget that shit easily

(651): View more from Minnesota

We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.

Fav 11 5022 1065
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.

Fav 12 3341 900
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.

Fav 10 3278 1087
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left

Fav 5 964 2581
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.

Fav 10 912 1463
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.

Fav 6 1624 1497
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese

Fav 11 2786 991
share tweet
(244): View more from

There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other

Fav 2 2030 1025
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis

Fav 8 2243 913
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.

Fav 10 3124 963
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?

Fav 21 1537 1930
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Is there a law against that?

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.

Fav 5 3756 1045
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.

(856): View more from New Jersey

dear god, who put you in a cab?

Fav 21 4881 1369
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"

Fav 12 5603 1205
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.

Fav 28 1553 10166
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.

Fav 23 7478 1283
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.

Fav 18 5330 1022
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.

Fav 42 5631 1116
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?

Fav 13 3279 1392
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...

Fav 13 2246 969
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?

Fav 10 4794 1431
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.

Fav 54 12864 2495
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty

Fav 14 4772 1441
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.

Fav 8 4651 1189
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?

(614): View more from Ohio

I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?

(330): View more from Ohio

I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.

Fav 6 3830 1065
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.

Fav 11 3712 1002
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.

Fav 11 3933 1054
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?

(910): View more from North Carolina

That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?

(770): View more from Georgia

Touche.

(910): View more from North Carolina

I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.

Fav 6 4342 1238
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?

Fav 24 6915 1240
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes

Fav 29 4457 1605
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.

Fav 7 4678 1637
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Oh God.

Fav 20 5048 1084
share tweet
(707): View more from California

She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.

Fav 9 5907 1378
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

She fuckin peed on me

(817): View more from Texas

Stay golden ponyboy

Fav 17 5190 1489
share tweet
(228): View more from Mississippi

Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.

Fav 15 5438 1265
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.

(941): View more from Florida

it was a krispy kreme

Fav 15 5497 1622
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT

Fav 21 7417 1161
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.

Fav 13 8841 1444
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)

Fav 8 1938 980
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.

Fav 5 2443 1116
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.

Fav 4 1915 1119
share tweet
(951): View more from California

My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room

Fav 26 4972 1669
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend

Fav 18 4865 1495
share tweet
(213): View more from California

are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town

(1-213): View more from California

well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT

Fav 14 1268 6377
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable

Fav 16 6983 1361
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.

Fav 9 6487 1280
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.

Fav 24 8270 1679
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.

Fav 7 1354 4028
share tweet
(530): View more from California

I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover

Fav 7 3044 1331
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.

Fav 5 2574 992
share tweet
(408): View more from California

We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.

Fav 5 2700 1421
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick

Fav 21 1773 2422
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.

Fav 11 4590 1395
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.

Fav 7 3704 1259
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.

Fav 9 2293 1147
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved

Fav 3 2811 977
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.

Fav 5 8675 1198
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.

(518): View more from New York

I am in love with you.

Fav 5 5555 1279
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair

Fav 16 6678 1193
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was

(734): View more from Michigan

you're 26.

Fav 10 1273 2989
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.

Fav 30 6130 2184
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.

Fav 31 1371 4855
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...

Fav 12 1606 877
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

I don`t remember Saturday, actually

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

Its ok, i dont remember 2007

Fav 16 8194 1333
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!

(1-512): View more from Texas

well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number

Fav 21 1011 3530
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is

Fav 46 5269 1604
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute

Fav 8 1796 4410
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

Fav 58 15471 2159
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.

Fav 7 1929 6112
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

and the officer said have you been drinking

(864): View more from South Carolina

and i said NOO SIR.

(864): View more from South Carolina

and he said, I am a woman.

Fav 19 2370 7358
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.

Fav 10 3037 1137
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.

Fav 6 2521 1241
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.

(214): View more from Texas

elevator sex. pronto.

Fav 5 2972 1187
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single

Fav 12 2829 1206
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

How was dinner with ur grandparents?

(1-607): View more from New York

I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."

Fav 18 1787 6964
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

I want you more than these girls want KFC

Fav 37 4003 1139
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

Fav 39 16944 1858
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Finally jerked of with a banana peel.

Fav 27 1693 4846
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again

Fav 7 2286 956
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.

Fav 4 2712 1025
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"

Fav 45 4276 1414
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'

Fav 41 9720 1406
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Can you return condoms to CVS?

(516): View more from New York

Only if you return your pride as well.

Fav 32 982 3931
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date

Fav 29 15043 1680
share tweet
(760): View more from California

so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?

Fav 21 3325 7326
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.

Fav 19 7262 1772
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

you want me

(978): View more from Massachusetts

i'd rather choke on a dick.

Fav 3 1373 1994
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.

Fav 7 4655 1185
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.

Fav 5 5055 1286
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

You can't call dibs 8 years later.

Fav 7 2701 1186
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.

Fav 23 4717 1331
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?

Fav 14 4019 1122
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy

Fav 7 1490 963
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?

(219): View more from Indiana

yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?

Fav 5 2624 983
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.

Fav 5 2530 1367
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.

Fav 16 1246 3597
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS

Fav 7 2598 876
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor

Fav 3 1678 1214
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?

Fav 3 2500 1068
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.

Fav 8 3836 1045
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.

Fav 5 2550 1184
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.

Fav 6 2662 1142
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.

Fav 5 2004 1026
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.

Fav 20 3815 1301
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"

Fav 17 1275 5424
share tweet
(435): View more from Utah

When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics

Fav 13 4201 1243
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table

Fav 5 2728 1408
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.

Fav 6 1843 1306
share tweet
(626): View more from California

He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.

Fav 7 4044 1554
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

the head trauma was worth the blowjob.

Fav 12 2498 1111
share tweet
(916): View more from California

whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door

Fav 8 1474 2408
share tweet
(714): View more from California

If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.

Fav 10 2792 1537
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.

Fav 16 4467 1023
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds

Fav 8 1554 2835
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.

Fav 7 2306 1007
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me

Fav 2 1228 2701
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.

Fav 1 1835 1249
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.

Fav 33 1505 3203
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

"bouncy castle"

Fav 6 4375 1207
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.

Fav 6 3115 1069
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.

Fav 10 6594 1584
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch

(740): View more from Ohio

enter at your own risk

Fav 5 2792 1172
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.

Fav 4 2519 873
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?

Fav 28 8678 1595
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.

Fav 20 1479 2407
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...

Fav 6 2497 1448
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight

Fav 4 2759 946
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.

Fav 21 4629 1759
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Vomiting outside the employee entrance

Fav 15 7818 2211
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.

Fav 17 5044 1379
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.

Fav 7 4493 1368
share tweet
(510): View more from California

I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.

Fav 6 1908 1128
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.

Fav 0 1971 948
share tweet
(714): View more from California

BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.

Fav 8 2707 1184
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms

Fav 6 3257 1225
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.

Fav 9 3208 1198
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Come over. Drunk tacos.

(1-214): View more from Texas

That isn't even a sentence.

(214): View more from Texas

I kept the important parts.

Fav 8 5127 1226
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.

Fav 9 5968 1271
share tweet
(760): View more from California

BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY

Fav 3 2801 829
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.

Fav 10 1440 2161
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.

Fav 4 2781 1534
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

We talked him into tasing himself.

Fav 12 3392 1367
share tweet
(435): View more from Utah

he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!

Fav 19 1549 3994
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

She looks like a junkie muppet...awful

Fav 5 1121 1983
share tweet
(289): View more from Ontario

Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.

Fav 17 5755 1340
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias

Fav 6 3953 982
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.

Fav 9 3350 961
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.

Fav 14 3113 1445
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.

Fav 15 6933 1462
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"

Fav 48 4532 1057
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.

Fav 12 10344 1459
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"

Fav 29 3291 855
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers

Fav 16 1438 5544
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.

Fav 5 2604 1377
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.

Fav 7 2693 1015
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom

Fav 3 2440 1115
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.

Fav 15 2634 1149
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers

Fav 7 1985 1245
share tweet
(661): View more from California

u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom

Fav 10 3697 1235
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!

Fav 11 3383 1257
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.

Fav 11 6995 1496
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.

Fav 7 1107 2068
share tweet
(707): View more from California

He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.

Fav 21 7788 1514
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.

Fav 5 2021 1065
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.

Fav 9 3575 1407
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

My vibrator challenges you to a duel.

Fav 18 4239 1449
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home

Fav 12 3784 1156
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.

Fav 5 3684 1166
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."

Fav 11 4465 1538
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night

Fav 10 3065 1114
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.

Fav 15 3502 1490
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Less talking, more tequila

Fav 8 2564 1001
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport

Fav 10 5739 1369
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch

Fav 13 4539 1855
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.

Fav 16 2956 982
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.

Fav 5 2377 1648
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off

Fav 10 3785 1728
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...

(317): View more from Indiana

Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even

Fav 7 3071 989
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.

Fav 7 3058 911
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?

Fav 12 2753 1081
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.

Fav 17 3856 1161
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.

Fav 14 3121 1097
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.

Fav 6 1648 1397
share tweet
(831): View more from California

maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick

Fav 3 940 1698
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.

Fav 3 2305 956
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.

Fav 27 3498 967
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.

Fav 14 3970 1264
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.

Fav 21 3757 1099
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this

Fav 9 1031 3879
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where the hell are you

(706): View more from Georgia

He's winning.

Fav 23 6117 1556
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.

Fav 6 2434 1107
share tweet
(772): View more from Florida

You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.

Fav 9 3253 1813
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

Thanks, mom.

Fav 25 2300 4967
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.

Fav 8 3033 1060
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.

Fav 6 3496 1186
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.

Fav 13 4650 1187
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?

Fav 12 4367 1008
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.

Fav 27 3464 1542
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".

Fav 8 2781 1205
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday

Fav 8 2961 1929
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs

Fav 6 2550 1023
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism

Fav 4 3157 985
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.

Fav 21 3008 1540
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

did you find a tooth?

(254): View more from Texas

did you lose one?

Fav 16 3939 1701
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats

Fav 2 1738 864
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.

Fav 9 4108 1028
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."

Fav 4 2461 992
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside

Fav 21 3436 1462
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.

Fav 12 3406 1043
share tweet
(925): View more from California

After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome

Fav 10 4299 1598
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.

Fav 9 3214 1139
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.

Fav 6 3176 1015
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?

Fav 13 2113 2215
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.

Fav 6 2277 1055
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.

Fav 3 1542 2018
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.

Fav 11 2958 1808
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck

Fav 12 3673 1160
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.

Fav 15 1230 3729
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK

Fav 9 3222 1215
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

The strip club called, they have your shoe.

Fav 13 4066 1144
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.

Fav 10 3559 1174
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

He just called me juicy booty via text message.

Fav 6 2155 1223
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.

Fav 5 3663 1147
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.

Fav 4 2129 887
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.

Fav 5 1084 1863
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.

Fav 12 3570 1331
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.

Fav 4 2968 1131
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation

Fav 7 2330 1079
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?

Fav 3 2942 1589
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?

Fav 6 2581 1034
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.

Fav 10 3556 1707
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

We welcome drunken adversity.

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

With open legs.

Fav 12 4056 1614
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter

Fav 30 5718 1734
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

quadriplegic porn is always funny

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

no. no its not

Fav 38 1581 4983
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.

Fav 23 2676 4950
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks

Fav 11 4756 1426
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

And to think..we used to do everything sober...

Fav 7 5142 1264
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.

Fav 35 4570 1155
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

running late. just ran over a dude on a bike

Fav 52 2500 8519
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.

Fav 18 4405 1049
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?

(1-802): View more from Vermont

The one in Montpelier?

(802): View more from Vermont

yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.

Fav 53 751 2478
share tweet
(925): View more from California

so explain again why im purple

(617): View more from Massachusetts

no

Fav 10 2221 958
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.

Fav 17 4927 2348
share tweet
(805): View more from California

she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.

Fav 12 1716 1966
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.

Fav 41 4520 1520
share tweet
(381): View more from

I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.

Fav 15 1675 3570
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.

Fav 16 6690 1665
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.

Fav 3 2985 1293
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.

Fav 5 3302 1021
share tweet
(807): View more from Ontario

If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right

Fav 3 4315 1287
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

Fav 14 12316 1861
share tweet
(+35): View more from

i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.

Fav 5 2143 1491
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.

Fav 26 1949 4849
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat

Fav 17 4704 1457
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.

Fav 5 2827 1178
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .

Fav 13 3942 1728
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.

Fav 8 2277 1083
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.

Fav 3 2798 962
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.

Fav 11 2728 1096
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.

Fav 17 5131 1548
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem

Fav 16 5668 1360
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.

Fav 26 8206 1330
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places

Fav 7 5922 1399
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you

Fav 6 1035 2673
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!

Fav 20 3317 5171
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?

Fav 13 1557 2225
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.

Fav 3 4020 1039
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling

Fav 15 3435 994
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.

(512): View more from Texas

That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.

Fav 9 3222 1507
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.

Fav 7 2543 1041
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.

Fav 18 6975 1259
share tweet
(760): View more from California

if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel

Fav 6 3375 1515
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.

Fav 6 4652 1100
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.

Fav 8 3643 924
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .

Fav 26 1913 3344
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub

Fav 8 2301 1312
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

bitch so ugly she owes me an erection

Fav 29 1100 5030
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

my self respect just called, its having a good time without me

Fav 9 3436 1450
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?

Fav 13 2981 1140
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

Fav 9 2835 1269
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"

Fav 10 4370 1237
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.

Fav 5 2376 1148
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?

Fav 6 2510 964
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"

Fav 7 1627 2275
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.

Fav 14 3753 1042
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN

Fav 7 2816 944
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.

Fav 10 1449 3959
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.

Fav 10 1361 2220
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up

Fav 26 1379 3226
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.

Fav 7 2135 1152
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.

Fav 15 4769 1258
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.

Fav 4 3890 1254
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?

Fav 17 2720 1336
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.

Fav 8 4135 1097
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.

Fav 10 1487 2761
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.

Fav 11 4960 1939
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence

Fav 14 2904 902
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis

Fav 13 3670 1065
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious

Fav 9 4783 1106
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.

Fav 11 4045 1003
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.

Fav 5 2968 1043
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...

Fav 8 2577 1009
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.

Fav 10 3052 1316
share tweet
(805): View more from California

I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.

Fav 45 10474 1694
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.

Fav 12 2849 2271
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend

Fav 8 1423 2323
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.

Fav 7 3700 1048
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.

Fav 10 4021 1467
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?

Fav 11 2686 2102
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.

Fav 5 2520 1861
share tweet
(530): View more from California

so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro

Fav 5 1957 987
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.

Fav 9 3344 1212
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.

Fav 8 2927 1169
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.

Fav 9 3306 1182
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?

Fav 7 4147 1231
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

no more duck duck goose at the bar

Fav 6 2620 1143
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.

Fav 9 1712 1423
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.

Fav 19 4013 1865
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me

Fav 7 1809 1130
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw

Fav 10 3968 1098
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.

Fav 3 3341 1430
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I have surprise drugs for everyone

Fav 11 3090 1196
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment

Fav 20 3182 1578
share tweet
(575): View more from New Mexico

you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.

Fav 10 3291 1243
share tweet
(661): View more from California

1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.

(1-661): View more from California

1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up

Fav 12 4806 1436
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.

(1-419): View more from Ohio

it's a Wednesday?

(419): View more from Ohio

:)

Fav 4 3466 1228
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.

Fav 11 1300 3056
share tweet
(213): View more from California

"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.

Fav 17 3489 1564
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.

Fav 4 2273 1498
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.

Fav 8 5220 1136
share tweet
(905): View more from Toronto

Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.

Fav 12 1508 4286
share tweet
(831): View more from California

I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.

(1-831): View more from California

stop. you already have a dog

Fav 8 1300 2161
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like

Fav 37 2409 3572
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.

Fav 14 2297 905
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.

Fav 4 1336 1635
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.

Fav 9 3673 1328
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.

Fav 12 3482 1792
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.

(1-205): View more from Alabama

Is it working?

Fav 17 4463 1373
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?

Fav 28 1903 3868
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.

Fav 5 1293 2043
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.

(225): View more from Louisiana

where am I supposed to find one of those?

Fav 17 1430 2900
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin

Fav 6 1133 1322
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

that's what penises do

(254): View more from Texas

they tell lies.

Fav 14 5052 1732
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move

Fav 33 7637 1140
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I thought spray tan was a myth

(1-206): View more from Washington

?

(206): View more from Washington

You know, something that only happens in Jersey

Fav 48 2966 899
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

I want your puppy

(507): View more from Minnesota

I meant pussy

(612): View more from Minnesota

I would rather you take my puppy

Fav 34 1743 5568
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table

Fav 15 4292 1405
share tweet
(415): View more from California

If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.

Fav 13 10320 1419
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..

Fav 34 5928 1047
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club

Fav 14 6301 1315
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

So you had sex with my brother?

(1-520): View more from Arizona

It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.

Fav 8 6013 1622
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.

Fav 10 5501 766
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.

Fav 19 4332 1350
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.

Fav 9 4077 1224
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.

Fav 4 2701 1043
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway

Fav 3 2290 1028
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early

Fav 62 7455 1358
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

So you threw a sword at me last night

(419): View more from Ohio

I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.

Fav 11 6093 1448
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?

Fav 8 4650 882
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either

Fav 7 3460 1392
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to

Fav 5 1224 2551
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.

Fav 8 2784 1163
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.

Fav 5 3653 1071
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.

Fav 10 1614 2647
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.

Fav 15 5587 1292
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.

Fav 11 5243 1316
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag

Fav 4 1396 2300
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"

Fav 7 3309 1382
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.

Fav 13 3098 1167
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.

Fav 7 3351 1516
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I want a grilled cheese and an IV

Fav 5 2652 1155
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD

Fav 20 1155 6052
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.

Fav 7 3673 1329
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.

Fav 22 6396 1560
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out

Fav 11 1566 2695
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.

Fav 8 2717 1317
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out

Fav 33 11717 1646
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE

Fav 7 1629 2104
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.

Fav 7 6283 1804
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.

Fav 3 3088 1149
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday

Fav 3 2306 1107
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.

Fav 10 3407 1186
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big

Fav 15 3100 1096
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"

Fav 7 3126 926
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final

Fav 7 2823 1287
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..

Fav 4 2481 1299
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.

Fav 28 1444 4440
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.

Fav 16 4483 1525
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.

Fav 17 4677 1300
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.

Fav 24 4934 1341
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.

Fav 13 3760 1218
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"

Fav 18 6929 1478
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww

Fav 13 4187 1610
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag

Fav 11 1741 4103
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.

Fav 14 3801 1214
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.

Fav 2 4042 1177
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

no. you cant fuck a burger.

Fav 9 2890 1314
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling

Fav 5 1364 2602
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.

Fav 11 3299 1358
share tweet
(805): View more from California

Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?

(805): View more from California

and why are they spooning a flamingo?

(714): View more from California

they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.

Fav 14 4427 1343
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.

Fav 16 5030 1455
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.

Fav 6 3203 1346
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.

Fav 6 4571 1440
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.

Fav 16 5471 1445
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in

Fav 5 3091 1466
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.

Fav 7 2616 1162
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

Semen is not good for contacts.

Fav 10 1348 3561
share tweet
(805): View more from California

100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.

Fav 5 2304 1255
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.

Fav 10 3669 2024
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....

Fav 5 3157 1890
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.

Fav 2 2480 2452
share tweet
(889): View more from

found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.

Fav 3 3044 1631
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.

Fav 10 2927 2097
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.

(1-970): View more from Colorado

Soup is delicious

Fav 12 5269 1384
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.

Fav 18 4778 2541
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us

(847): View more from Illinois

You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.

Fav 6 3069 1583
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.

Fav 14 4192 1422
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.

Fav 10 4011 1272
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again

Fav 14 7511 1779
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss

Fav 11 2303 1498
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.

Fav 12 5194 1807
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed

Fav 4 2300 1023
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

If i could tip my vagina, i would.

Fav 7 3623 743
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

OMG. Drunk.

(662): View more from Mississippi

I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.

(718): View more from New York

Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.

Fav 8 1459 876
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.

Fav 3 3104 1123
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.

Fav 11 3993 1155
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.

Fav 7 3244 1555
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.

Fav 32 8972 1272
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?

Fav 16 5301 1940
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?

Fav 67 17830 2410
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?

Fav 5 3227 1511
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.

Fav 6 3313 1449
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

Fav 17 9489 1645
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.

Fav 7 4077 1579
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.

Fav 2 2871 1113
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.

Fav 11 2431 1353
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.

(254): View more from Texas

Tornado warnings are fun!

Fav 13 3581 1366
share tweet
(831): View more from California

Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.

Fav 20 6880 1570
share tweet
(949): View more from California

it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable

Fav 13 4022 1554
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.

Fav 6 4553 1516
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.

Fav 7 2759 1266
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.

Fav 15 5779 1340
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.

Fav 27 6080 1525
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.

Fav 6 3360 1214
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done

Fav 4 3803 1462
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.

Fav 5 3586 1303
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.

Fav 4 2148 1645
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.

Fav 12 2450 1269
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.

Fav 8 1813 2978
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.

Fav 5 2837 1555
share tweet
(510): View more from California

Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"

Fav 14 3656 1843
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.

Fav 5 2410 1220
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately

Fav 3 2700 1056
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."

Fav 6 4986 1798
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.

Fav 13 2846 1806
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?

Fav 15 3470 1496
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night

Fav 11 3779 1670
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.

Fav 11 3084 1772
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER

Fav 7 1416 3316
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.

Fav 13 4393 1445
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.

Fav 8 4435 1289
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety

Fav 4 2353 1290
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend

Fav 5 4117 1264
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.

Fav 9 4443 1371
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.

Fav 7 1337 3345
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

how was ur day?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.

Fav 13 6882 1654
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid

Fav 5 2583 1101
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons

Fav 5 3143 1277
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.

Fav 6 3001 1463
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.

Fav 37 1591 5565
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

That's science, my friend. Boner science.

Fav 7 3399 1351
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions

Fav 6 2660 1131
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.

Fav 5 1195 2812
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.

Fav 11 4594 1523
share tweet
(578): View more from

You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"

Fav 6 3261 1223
share tweet
(61): View more from Australia

Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed

Fav 10 5011 1305
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night

Fav 3 2794 1204
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK

Fav 10 1677 3283
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.

Fav 14 3766 1227
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.

Fav 6 3359 1325
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.

Fav 6 2166 1616
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR

Fav 7 2647 1414
share tweet
(228): View more from Mississippi

you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.

Fav 19 4197 1787
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?

Fav 7 5541 1378
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel

Fav 11 2653 1333
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.

Fav 7 3822 1344
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?

Fav 3 1841 1097
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating

Fav 10 3628 1231
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.

Fav 3 954 3144
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.

Fav 8 4571 1316
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time

Fav 21 7127 1711
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

What did you cook with whisky?

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We started a fire.

Fav 11 6437 1597
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend

Fav 2 2833 1202
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

soo how bad was i last night?

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.

Fav 4 1399 2282
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.

(1-360): View more from Washington

oh. my. god. yes.

Fav 14 6280 1872
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?

(607): View more from New York

Nevermind, it's in the dryer.

Fav 6 3754 1214
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.

Fav 24 7714 1404
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.

Fav 7 2736 1012
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok

Fav 9 2868 1071
share tweet
(361): View more from Texas

As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.

Fav 12 7414 1954
share tweet
(575): View more from New Mexico

not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.

Fav 5 1205 2715
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila

Fav 6 4806 1122
share tweet
(661): View more from California

His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.

Fav 14 1040 3498
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.

(623): View more from Arizona

and by single i mean slutty

Fav 12 3853 1328
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.

Fav 9 3628 1344
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level

Fav 3 2246 1211
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me

Fav 8 3460 1245
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.

Fav 33 3427 2734
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?

Fav 6 3518 1071
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.

Fav 13 3942 1488
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before

Fav 4 3568 3823
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.

Fav 4 2186 1537
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning

Fav 5 3612 1142
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.

Fav 9 2939 1346
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.

Fav 8 5413 1242
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.

Fav 4 3934 1309
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?

Fav 3 2841 1718
share tweet
(805): View more from California

We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.

Fav 17 1365 2882
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.

Fav 24 2353 4334
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone

Fav 3 3079 978
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"

Fav 10 4677 1173
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.

Fav 1 2873 1018
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.

Fav 1 2374 964
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.

Fav 2 3790 1251
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care

Fav 14 1670 4256
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

Actions speak louder than pants.

Fav 12 5440 1430
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.

Fav 6 3017 1168
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?

Fav 48 1596 7629
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

whats a bus flip?

(225): View more from Louisiana

idk but apparently i invented it

Fav 23 10169 1407
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"

Fav 14 5638 1445
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.

Fav 40 1148 2961
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?

Fav 13 1360 3246
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.

Fav 3 2396 816
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

Fav 16 10629 1511
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe

Fav 10 1812 4695
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.

Fav 41 4329 1531
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents

(1-519): View more from Ontario

I'm down.

Fav 23 3379 1248
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.

(248): View more from Michigan

You're ridiculous

(586): View more from Michigan

Your hot

Fav 3 1715 851
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.

Fav 14 4409 1212
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.

Fav 5 1169 3828
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.

Fav 2 3636 1050
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night

Fav 2 2526 1120
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes

Fav 5 3633 1139
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long

Fav 8 3602 1538
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.

Fav 8 2661 1064
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?

Fav 18 4336 1050
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up

Fav 5 2974 905
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.

Fav 11 4738 962
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.

Fav 2 1011 1909
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."

Fav 6 4012 1005
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.

Fav 3 2937 1238
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?

Fav 4 2457 1225
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.

Fav 8 4072 1330
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.

Fav 19 1323 3090
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.

Fav 4 2981 1013
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.

Fav 7 3211 1310
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser

Fav 5 2386 1037
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.

Fav 4 3421 1118
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.

Fav 8 2072 1241
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I think I have vodka in my lungs

Fav 4 2241 1403
share tweet
(707): View more from California

Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.

Fav 8 3661 1092
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets

Fav 2 1469 896
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.

Fav 7 3787 1052
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic

Fav 6 5331 1214
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?

Fav 3 2286 1146
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing

Fav 20 6526 1402
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.

Fav 17 1963 6114
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.

Fav 9 1078 1324
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.

Fav 18 1693 1139
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.

Fav 14 1136 4080
share tweet
(650): View more from California

party gras won. party gras always wins.

Fav 5 2485 917
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm

Fav 27 7828 1489
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth

(330): View more from Ohio

well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth

Fav 25 5334 897
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

Happy Easter!!!

(248): View more from Michigan

I'm an idiot

Fav 3 1188 842
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.

Fav 27 12035 1258
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

so... i had sex tonight

(906): View more from Michigan

with a midget

(906): View more from Michigan

nicccce tits for a little person

Fav 1 1732 941
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.

Fav 29 4692 2125
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.

Fav 12 4496 1229
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.

Fav 4 3137 1150
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.

Fav 3 2543 1129
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.

Fav 17 1284 4611
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.

Fav 1 2256 997
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...

Fav 3 3010 1045
share tweet
(805): View more from California

He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.

Fav 23 1963 2628
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.

Fav 11 2733 1929
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.

Fav 24 1820 3080
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me

Fav 13 3578 1965
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.

Fav 9 3506 1060
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore

Fav 11 4029 1237
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up

Fav 6 3880 1618
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.

Fav 5 1236 2939
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Did everyone make it back alive?

(309): View more from Illinois

You say that with such hope.

(217): View more from Illinois

Is that a no?

Fav 3 3608 1285
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?

Fav 22 6576 1398
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy

Fav 8 2261 1440
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.

Fav 12 4627 1175
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

He asked if I wanted to "hang out"

(410): View more from Maryland

A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"

Fav 9 3501 1506
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class

Fav 10 3514 1302
share tweet
(209): View more from California

I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.

Fav 3 2657 1111
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.

Fav 8 4247 1086
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.

Fav 15 2643 1311
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.

Fav 21 6151 1923
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Drunk

(845): View more from New York

Deyhxbr

(845): View more from New York

Fucaerrrrr

Fav 10 2935 992
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.

Fav 8 4987 998
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.

Fav 7 3496 1369
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Someone in a vagina costume on campus.

Fav 7 3270 1162
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?

Fav 6 3003 1200
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.

Fav 13 3506 1766
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?

Fav 22 4003 1273
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?

Fav 7 2367 1255
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.

Fav 13 6140 1367
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.

Fav 18 1638 3976
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick

Fav 10 4801 1185
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.

Fav 8 1731 4160
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever

Fav 3 1279 2663
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.

Fav 1 1886 1048
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.

Fav 7 2666 1095
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.

Fav 8 2509 1265
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?

Fav 8 3993 1120
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.

Fav 3 1167 2388
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing

Fav 6 3209 1125
share tweet
(559): View more from California

Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.

Fav 9 2610 1354
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.

Fav 6 1400 2693
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex

Fav 20 3736 1641
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on

Fav 5 2537 1163
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.

Fav 4 1610 3627
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.

Fav 5 3946 1263
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.

Fav 7 2046 1566
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!

Fav 7 1253 3243
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

we already have meals planned for the weekend.

(1-864): View more from South Carolina

SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.

Fav 13 5375 1413
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night

Fav 7 3248 998
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.

Fav 24 5343 1381
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.

Fav 8 2490 1189
share tweet
(415): View more from California

I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.

Fav 7 1448 3780
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.

Fav 12 3850 1127
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.

Fav 7 3510 1081
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary

Fav 5 2656 1483
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

and she just brought her bike into the shower with her

Fav 8 2886 1363
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?

Fav 11 3852 1220
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?

Fav 6 3663 1322
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure

Fav 5 2674 1229
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.

Fav 4 1371 2875
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami

Fav 22 1426 4141
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.

Fav 6 3494 1092
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.

Fav 18 3735 1552
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.

Fav 6 3317 1148
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.

Fav 4 2434 1288
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.

Fav 6 1604 2449
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.

Fav 21 5847 3066
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.

Fav 3 3427 1230
share tweet
(510): View more from California

You did a strip tease for the toilet.

Fav 6 2666 1299
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.

Fav 1 2552 830
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was

Fav 7 3537 899
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT

Fav 6 3059 968
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.

Fav 5 4682 1918
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.

Fav 15 2836 1265
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.

Fav 6 3925 1432
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?

Fav 8 4053 1223
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?

Fav 8 3279 1142
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.

Fav 6 2955 1217
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol

Fav 5 2512 1484
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg

(920): View more from Wisconsin

Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha

Fav 29 2468 1285
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.

Fav 9 4515 1398
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?

Fav 14 3169 1233
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.

Fav 3 3584 1019
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.

Fav 5 2147 1073
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.

Fav 7 1529 1880
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.

Fav 7 2953 1459
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.

Fav 11 3000 1163
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.

Fav 6 1525 2830
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.

Fav 8 2587 1406
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.

Fav 4 1106 2330
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.

Fav 8 3647 1020
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.

Fav 9 4511 1418
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.

Fav 3 2655 1092
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.

Fav 9 2373 1259
share tweet
(772): View more from Florida

I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates

Fav 3 2645 1129
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret

Fav 53 1834 2731
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....

Fav 24 8034 2437
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it

Fav 43 4807 995
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.

Fav 22 5120 827
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.

Fav 12 3993 1395
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.

Fav 25 7003 1479
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america

Fav 9 1812 2467
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

he has the hands of the vagina gods.

Fav 12 4896 1283
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.

Fav 11 4339 1274
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.

Fav 6 2278 2879
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

she could've warned me his penis was curved

(708): View more from Illinois

ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.

Fav 14 2015 5019
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.

Fav 8 5452 1635
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?

Fav 11 4754 1374
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar

Fav 1 3036 1560
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him

Fav 11 2605 1539
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.

Fav 14 4082 1156
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.

Fav 11 4569 1196
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com

Fav 38 1577 3416
share tweet
(925): View more from California

This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.

Fav 16 3760 1230
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside

Fav 48 933 7857
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.

Fav 4 2661 1171
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions

Fav 11 6134 1276
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.

(1-253): View more from Washington

I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.

Fav 71 6004 920
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.

Fav 19 2874 850
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.

Fav 16 4027 2385
share tweet
(438): View more from Quebec

I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.

Fav 15 3530 1336
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

they just started filling water ballons with vodka.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

on my way.

Fav 13 4329 1285
share tweet
(01): View more from

He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.

Fav 6 3116 1132
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.

Fav 23 1583 5711
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Just invented taco cereal.

Fav 8 1809 2289
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?

Fav 5 2218 1142
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!

Fav 25 3962 1193
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.

Fav 10 5412 1239
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling

(303): View more from Colorado

Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper

Fav 3 2515 1201
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away

Fav 10 3869 1318
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.

Fav 2 1151 2530
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?

Fav 10 3305 1298
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.

Fav 3 3357 951
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.

Fav 6 2274 920
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome

Fav 6 4631 1115
share tweet
(228): View more from Mississippi

There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars

Fav 4 3450 1133
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?

Fav 13 2886 1635
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

you inspire me to be a worse person

Fav 6 3749 1559
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.

Fav 11 5331 1526
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double

Fav 18 5160 1417
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'

Fav 5 2408 1093
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"

Fav 16 7773 1324
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober

Fav 10 3397 1343
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.

Fav 6 4399 1353
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads

Fav 4 2718 1204
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I feel like my teeth are sweating.

Fav 9 1421 2430
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.

Fav 24 3651 1349
share tweet
(559): View more from California

Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?

Fav 10 2531 1204
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.

Fav 8 3775 1303
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.

Fav 20 3889 1597
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.

Fav 8 3075 1058
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.

Fav 32 9939 2305
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked

Fav 10 3802 1867
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"

Fav 15 6323 1986
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.

Fav 4 2355 1001
share tweet
(661): View more from California

Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...

Fav 6 1186 2535
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.

Fav 5 3105 901
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done

Fav 9 1301 4656
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much

Fav 10 1514 2578
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk

Fav 4 3261 1376
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie

Fav 3 2201 1666
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.

Fav 4 1300 2537
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards

Fav 11 1276 3141
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?

Fav 3 2053 877
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.

Fav 7 3412 1223
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me

Fav 8 3566 1266
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.

Fav 4 2844 1092
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?

Fav 1 2428 1191
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I smell like Captain Morgan and tears

Fav 11 1662 3039
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?

Fav 4 2773 1687
share tweet
(707): View more from California

I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister

Fav 7 2705 1075
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?

Fav 11 1085 3811
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.

Fav 6 2452 1305
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.

Fav 9 3012 1020
share tweet
(916): View more from California

I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.

Fav 4 1296 2869
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame

Fav 9 3124 1565
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard

Fav 9 1312 2694
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan

Fav 7 2416 945
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them

Fav 4 2489 1156
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.

Fav 2 1256 1875
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.

Fav 6 3627 1272
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.

Fav 19 5784 1409
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.

Fav 28 8564 1745
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I just found a bag of teeth...

Fav 18 1625 5038
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

and now there are teeth marks on my dick.

Fav 17 1535 5935
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again

Fav 3 1824 2934
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..

Fav 3 1834 1552
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I can feel the alcohol in my calves

Fav 3 3098 1185
share tweet
(415): View more from California

When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

Fav 17 9868 1514
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.

Fav 1 1554 2074
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I have no recollection of sleep choking you

Fav 8 1847 2468
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.

Fav 1 2680 1133
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom

Fav 6 1339 2327
share tweet
(760): View more from California

I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.

Fav 11 4438 1119
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.

Fav 45 2270 4231
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?

Fav 6 2316 1218
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time

Fav 5 1262 2314
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

He called his prostate his "boner button".

Fav 17 1914 3640
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.

Fav 6 3483 1691
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.

Fav 21 7632 1609
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.

Fav 11 3428 1413
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.

Fav 6 1516 2915
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.

Fav 33 1840 3346
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it

Fav 15 3132 2133
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended

Fav 14 1303 3477
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

he tried to breastfeed my turtle

Fav 16 1928 3096
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?

Fav 11 3076 1065
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

professor came back from spring break missing a tooth

Fav 8 7603 1191
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.

Fav 4 3365 1714
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.

Fav 16 1419 4217
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

some bitch filled my sink with salsa.

Fav 10 2641 1751
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.

Fav 10 5178 1212
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.

Fav 3 2338 1005
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.

Fav 20 3248 1767
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.

Fav 25 1968 3586
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.

Fav 5 2871 1061
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children

Fav 7 2577 1838
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?

Fav 3 2482 1242
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.

Fav 9 1716 3800
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported

Fav 7 1860 3105
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.

Fav 3 1752 1137
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here

Fav 3 3296 866
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.

Fav 11 1014 3190
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs

(310): View more from California

Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?

Fav 6 4118 1487
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.

Fav 13 2562 1272
share tweet
(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing

Fav 6 3089 1130
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.

Fav 6 3507 1170
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Someone shattered a urinal.

Fav 8 1949 1131
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

Fav 5 2177 1399
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick

Fav 17 6279 1472
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom

Fav 3 2197 1429
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.

Fav 16 4538 2192
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.

Fav 15 4405 1464
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.

Fav 9 3617 1259
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood

Fav 5 3180 1265
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.

Fav 4 2589 1175
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.

Fav 14 4719 1318
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.

Fav 8 3781 1598
share tweet
(415): View more from California

He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.

Fav 16 4539 2044
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I don't think my arm is broken I can still text

Fav 1 2680 1292
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.

Fav 14 5497 1904
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.

Fav 19 4141 1303
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars

Fav 10 5264 1405
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO

Fav 8 2022 1508
share tweet
(619): View more from California

It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.

Fav 7 3695 1274
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it

Fav 22 3144 1621
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.

Fav 3 1148 2271
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.

Fav 6 2076 1190
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?

Fav 5 3605 1274
share tweet
(949): View more from California

She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?

Fav 13 4370 1782
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.

Fav 8 2791 1158
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.

Fav 4 2441 1380
share tweet
(575): View more from New Mexico

I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.

Fav 6 2355 1179
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.

Fav 14 3540 1373
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.

Fav 9 6238 1434
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.

Fav 5 1876 1284
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day

Fav 16 3862 1265
share tweet
(626): View more from California

Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?

Fav 4 2316 1247
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.

Fav 7 2454 1215
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name

Fav 6 3588 1305
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning

Fav 6 2340 1471
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.

Fav 12 4212 1468
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?

Fav 16 4936 1380
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you

Fav 2 2332 1113
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.

Fav 5 2392 1097
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands

(845): View more from New York

i made a dollar

Fav 7 4026 1716
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Nice meating you last night

(843): View more from South Carolina

Not a typo

Fav 19 5395 1038
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.

Fav 16 2148 6159
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song

Fav 48 1558 5239
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.

Fav 8 1535 2970
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

Fav 36 22409 3677
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches

Fav 6 4401 1006
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.

Fav 4 2244 1209
share tweet
(772): View more from Florida

it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night

Fav 13 2710 2184
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"

Fav 5 3199 1388
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.

Fav 10 1896 2538
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US

(281): View more from Texas

WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW

(281): View more from Texas

THE REISLING ATRACEX US

Fav 21 2418 1501
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.

Fav 4 2467 1243
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.

Fav 10 3098 1160
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week

Fav 13 1574 4207
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....

Fav 3 2646 1373
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?

Fav 12 1078 2911
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!

Fav 19 1455 2660
share tweet
(650): View more from California

dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king

Fav 12 5804 1351
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.

Fav 8 3818 1278
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.

Fav 6 2413 1272
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.

Fav 12 2404 1625
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.

Fav 26 5803 1398
share tweet
(707): View more from California

You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"

Fav 6 3854 1431
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this

Fav 11 5022 1487
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.

Fav 9 3230 1829
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.

Fav 5 1762 3466
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.

Fav 12 1782 4435
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.

Fav 17 1626 3202
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...

Fav 3 2775 1161
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.

Fav 12 1155 3646
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.

Fav 4 2499 1344
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese

Fav 9 5050 1456
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties

Fav 16 5611 1299
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Going to get a "plan B"urrito

Fav 7 3445 1696
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?

Fav 10 3184 1146
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?

Fav 22 3504 1559
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.

Fav 14 3400 1378
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

they're like a gay fantastic four

Fav 15 2768 1338
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

the room spins SO much faster in panama

Fav 5 2706 1131
share tweet
(530): View more from California

I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.

Fav 29 4611 1434
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again

Fav 6 3732 1141
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question

Fav 7 3504 1347
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again

Fav 5 2765 1158
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?

Fav 10 3654 1222
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.

Fav 15 5178 1505
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.

Fav 11 5632 1465
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Even my vagina gasped.

Fav 15 5537 1381
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.

Fav 9 2832 1227
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.

Fav 5 2218 1333
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

It was like getting head from an anaconda

Fav 23 3353 2501
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.

Fav 21 1429 5198
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend

Fav 48 4486 3241
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?

Fav 7 2850 1166
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that

Fav 6 4627 1227
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?

Fav 25 2264 4629
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...

Fav 6 3141 1437
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed

Fav 6 1025 2844
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.

Fav 11 4524 1541
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre

Fav 10 2286 1485
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.

Fav 19 2735 1344
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.

Fav 8 3050 1212
share tweet
(650): View more from California

Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp

(1-650): View more from California

i loe djcudia fjxos rue.

Fav 15 3101 1466
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?

Fav 15 5367 1808
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...

Fav 22 3705 1447
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.

Fav 31 1172 7385
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.

(1-317): View more from Indiana

details please.

(317): View more from Indiana

they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."

Fav 61 5665 874
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it

Fav 4 2259 858
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.

Fav 9 3349 1279
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?

Fav 16 4193 1444
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.

Fav 16 6903 1332
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.

Fav 15 2399 839
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.

(407): View more from Florida

i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.

Fav 32 11083 1167
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony

Fav 13 3111 1509
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this

Fav 7 2627 1342
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.

Fav 22 4594 1266
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth

Fav 13 1440 3497
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.

Fav 4 1452 3928
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale

Fav 8 2510 1316
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.

Fav 6 1554 2786
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.

Fav 3 3091 1034
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math

Fav 9 2671 1431
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata

Fav 8 3644 1089
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister

Fav 17 6970 1559
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number

Fav 6 3196 1207
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.

Fav 13 3862 1458
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.

Fav 9 1057 2719
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

I just googled if crying burns calories

Fav 14 1346 3754
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.

Fav 17 3181 1707
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

We left an ass print on the piano.

Fav 23 4272 1228
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.

Fav 14 6312 1472
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.

Fav 12 4393 1285
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE

Fav 21 4458 1910
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.

(1-352): View more from Florida

Oh God. You're going to jail

Fav 30 6472 1963
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.

Fav 29 7267 1512
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line

Fav 12 3127 1121
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.

Fav 15 4531 1190
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

There is a pube in my fucking eyeball

Fav 15 1185 5504
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times

Fav 15 4469 1260
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?

Fav 8 2780 1160
share tweet
(415): View more from California

sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.

Fav 24 5465 1575
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"

Fav 12 4294 1832
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?

Fav 9 4781 1171
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet

Fav 11 6179 1023
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine

Fav 7 3168 1631
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.

Fav 21 5632 1195
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp

Fav 32 2307 4828
share tweet
(925): View more from California

you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race

Fav 8 4487 1185
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

There r osticjed everywhere

Fav 12 2032 1379
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.

Fav 8 3129 1200
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.

Fav 15 3452 1322
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.

Fav 10 1756 3380
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.

Fav 12 6501 1095
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.

Fav 39 10691 1596
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.

Fav 18 1943 7169
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder

Fav 4 2685 1110
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.

Fav 9 2799 1375
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

what is it with giant penises always finding me

Fav 26 4508 1204
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''

Fav 11 6916 2398
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

i think i left a case of beer in your dryer

Fav 10 3595 1393
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke

Fav 11 2495 1978
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'

Fav 7 3219 1391
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar

(219): View more from Indiana

I need you to use more vowels.

Fav 15 8717 1478
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.

Fav 7 1520 3690
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.

Fav 5 2605 1132
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window

Fav 10 2237 1255
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....

Fav 19 3092 1385
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.

Fav 8 3732 1289
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.

Fav 18 2779 3054
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs

Fav 10 2798 1866
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life

Fav 16 5034 1198
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking

Fav 8 2932 1533
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares

Fav 22 6980 1190
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.

Fav 30 9959 1580
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.

Fav 14 4623 1753
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.

Fav 16 3328 1361
share tweet
(+91): View more from India

I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.

Fav 7 3117 1594
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

What did I eat last night that was bloody?

Fav 30 1268 5517
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon

(703): View more from Virginia

she was in a cheetah costume

Fav 13 4922 1284
share tweet
(+31): View more from The Netherlands

bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.

Fav 18 1746 6814
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.

Fav 47 2196 7564
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.

Fav 15 7501 1514
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE

Fav 5 2644 1548
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........

Fav 21 2078 3748
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him

Fav 23 5074 2331
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?

(303): View more from Colorado

He told her it was international road head day.

Fav 11 5638 1468
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.

Fav 14 1971 4936
share tweet
(458): View more from Oregon

Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.

Fav 22 6406 2051
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.

Fav 11 2993 1334
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.

Fav 11 4314 1176
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together

Fav 6 3675 1007
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.

Fav 5 2524 1117
share tweet
(758): View more from St. Lucia-Carib

He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.

Fav 2 2735 1315
share tweet
(707): View more from California

Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.

Fav 13 4939 2916
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?

Fav 11 3866 2220
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.

Fav 4 2892 2143
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.

Fav 8 4081 1978
share tweet
(559): View more from California

can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.

Fav 16 6238 1306
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"

Fav 10 5673 1581
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?

Fav 16 1271 2502
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.

Fav 4 2831 1477
share tweet
(575): View more from New Mexico

If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong

Fav 12 1021 5294
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up

Fav 3 2551 1314
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.

Fav 3 3042 1301
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.

Fav 5 2540 1441
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?

Fav 9 3943 1397
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.

Fav 3 2260 1377
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.

Fav 10 3976 1418
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love

Fav 14 4185 1529
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.

Fav 8 2206 1188
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet

Fav 6 1197 2598
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.

Fav 12 4408 1417
share tweet
(530): View more from California

Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me

Fav 6 3004 1161
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess

Fav 25 4058 1315
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.

Fav 34 9701 2773
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.

Fav 5 2387 925
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny

Fav 39 2500 7756
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.

Fav 11 4196 2043
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed

Fav 28 5571 1684
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

He made me a "booty call of the year" award.

Fav 15 4078 1561
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.

Fav 5 3725 1289
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.

Fav 9 3698 1575
share tweet
(862): View more from New Jersey

Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.

Fav 2 2866 1453
share tweet
(650): View more from California

Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"

Fav 13 7386 2404
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.

Fav 6 5042 1796
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.

Fav 15 8576 1602
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates

Fav 12 7611 1539
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look

Fav 14 4600 1323
share tweet
(956): View more from Texas

found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.

Fav 14 1811 3267
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.

Fav 20 4534 1682
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.

Fav 24 4444 1557
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

(1-317): View more from Indiana

He's the fucking cop whisperer.

Fav 25 11788 1401
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.

Fav 5 1633 2898
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.

Fav 6 3762 1657
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.

Fav 30 12727 1623
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.

Fav 16 6296 2285
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.

Fav 8 3138 1268
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.

Fav 9 6459 1538
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.

Fav 4 4493 1494
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.

Fav 8 3733 1190
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave

Fav 5 1274 3319
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.

Fav 15 6147 1142
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions

Fav 11 2637 1131
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.

Fav 10 5740 1138
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....

Fav 7 3264 1533
share tweet
(818): View more from California

The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.

Fav 11 4800 1273
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?

Fav 3 4055 1160
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.

Fav 7 1185 2825
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?

Fav 9 2975 1417
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.

Fav 21 4139 1699
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.

Fav 5 3554 1221
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

As in ill only blow him next week

Fav 14 3348 1171
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken

Fav 5 1980 1569
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.

Fav 4 1617 2283
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that

Fav 6 1260 3154
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.

Fav 5 3525 1195
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked

Fav 7 3166 1009
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.

Fav 29 6177 1589
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.

Fav 13 4301 1038
share tweet
(323): View more from California

When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.

Fav 12 1839 3495
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.

Fav 8 4379 1046
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.

Fav 9 1342 2642
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.

Fav 2 3188 967
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.

Fav 13 2908 1249
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board

Fav 5 1276 2084
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed

Fav 6 1342 3239
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?

Fav 6 2633 1246
share tweet
(650): View more from California

It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.

Fav 14 1058 2905
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?

Fav 25 2459 2448
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?

Fav 13 3167 1245
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

she fell through a window trying to flash someone

Fav 12 4799 1955
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.

Fav 20 8427 1469
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.

Fav 30 3835 1896
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that

Fav 5 2982 995
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.

Fav 8 4156 1168
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.

Fav 9 1536 4272
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

even the AIR tastes like tequila.

Fav 4 3355 1133
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it

Fav 13 1918 3498
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.

Fav 15 6610 1402
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.

Fav 10 5494 1625
share tweet
(650): View more from California

She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine

Fav 15 3772 1756
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me

Fav 6 1487 3276
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?

Fav 26 4520 1346
share tweet
(325): View more from Texas

She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...

Fav 38 4343 2601
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.

Fav 20 2380 3028
share tweet
(916): View more from California

You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.

Fav 6 4257 1496
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.

Fav 10 1852 2987
share tweet
(+25): View more from

We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?

Fav 9 1102 2732
share tweet
(61): View more from Australia

who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class

Fav 6 4794 1082
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.

Fav 11 3256 1050
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life

Fav 13 1673 3352
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.

Fav 6 2604 1127
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.

Fav 21 4459 1613
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...

Fav 6 4745 1207
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?

Fav 10 5479 1136
share tweet
(786): View more from Florida

HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.

Fav 30 7438 1260
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.

Fav 15 2895 2121
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.

Fav 12 5489 1204
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon

Fav 14 4993 1739
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?

Fav 7 3631 1108
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.

Fav 10 3517 1153
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am

Fav 15 4132 1192
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?

Fav 9 1896 2477
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears

Fav 19 5282 1027
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho

Fav 3 3204 1552
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.

Fav 4 975 3049
share tweet
(858): View more from California

Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts

Fav 17 7129 1293
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.

Fav 3 1194 2213
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

Are my feet made of real feet?

Fav 17 6174 1415
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.

Fav 11 5104 2360
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

where are you?

(240): View more from Maryland

Hypothermia

Fav 20 2837 4503
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.

Fav 11 5710 1149
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.

Fav 6 3903 1095
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...

Fav 5 4010 1035
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"

Fav 13 1247 4254
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal

Fav 20 4171 1315
share tweet
(308): View more from Nebraska

You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.

Fav 13 5733 1459
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.

Fav 11 5699 1174
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what

Fav 3 4062 1010
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

he seriously made his penis a facebook.

Fav 15 4668 2143
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."

Fav 8 6507 1155
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.

Fav 10 3535 1369
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.

Fav 16 3943 1627
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

She told me I should be a condom model.

Fav 14 7323 1144
share tweet
(510): View more from California

i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.

Fav 10 3687 1165
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.

Fav 3 1251 3271
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.

Fav 33 1423 3281
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend

Fav 7 6658 1320
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".

Fav 23 5303 1551
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.

Fav 10 1993 2540
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.

(417): View more from Missouri

I can't feel my brain.

Fav 11 2217 4469
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now

Fav 35 7766 1255
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.

Fav 10 6260 1170
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table

Fav 10 4754 1420
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.

Fav 10 4936 1166
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.

Fav 5 3486 1168
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.

Fav 12 4279 1139
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."

Fav 11 4843 1133
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.

Fav 9 3011 1385
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems

Fav 13 1456 3279
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.

Fav 16 3013 1822
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings

Fav 26 5190 1405
share tweet
(+45): View more from Denmark

Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.

Fav 9 5497 1479
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.

Fav 8 2098 3820
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?

Fav 15 5049 1412
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

It'll be just me and my penis against the world.

Fav 18 3811 1237
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.

Fav 2 3993 2244
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.

Fav 9 5611 1351
share tweet
(530): View more from California

We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.

Fav 11 4672 1035
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.

Fav 9 3883 1074
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?

Fav 30 3261 3896
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.

Fav 9 1336 3339
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...

Fav 15 7601 1259
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...

Fav 6 3777 1051
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"

Fav 4 4407 1144
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.

Fav 15 4837 2228
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either

Fav 3 2361 1064
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.

Fav 7 4638 1039
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.

Fav 6 5747 1250
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.

Fav 10 3295 1398
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.

Fav 3 4069 1027
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.

Fav 21 3430 1298
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".

Fav 23 9332 1317
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you

Fav 6 3216 1221
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.

Fav 38 1361 5007
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.

Fav 5 4942 1037
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.

Fav 13 7147 1279
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate

Fav 8 4166 1683
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?

Fav 6 3442 1253
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.

Fav 5 4977 1016
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?

Fav 4 2607 1263
share tweet
(619): View more from California

My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.

Fav 21 15219 1740
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.

Fav 11 5712 1241
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.

Fav 15 4292 1301
share tweet
(424): View more from California

he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety

Fav 12 3905 1191
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl

Fav 3 1072 2668
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?

Fav 12 1605 4539
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.

Fav 14 4178 2203
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.

Fav 15 6105 1525
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.

Fav 20 7732 1203
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.

Fav 43 2045 6943
share tweet
(714): View more from California

if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.

Fav 3 3271 1243
share tweet
(772): View more from Florida

At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?

Fav 20 2787 2696
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there

Fav 14 1502 3312
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months

Fav 10 3263 3985
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.

Fav 18 4787 1290
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell

Fav 11 4124 1152
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.

Fav 19 7003 1964
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.

Fav 9 3789 1991
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?

Fav 34 2620 3393
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter

(310): View more from California

your less of a man for seeing that

Fav 13 1107 3776
share tweet
(707): View more from California

Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.

Fav 11 1889 909
share tweet
(650): View more from California

I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.

Fav 7 2052 903
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"

Fav 37 6809 1778
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Drinking in an igloo changes everything.

Fav 37 6928 923
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.

Fav 9 1076 3410
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

What did I say to him last night?

(385): View more from Utah

Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

all in all not a bad night

Fav 5 1898 1124
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.

Fav 14 3792 1485
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too

Fav 7 3195 1261
share tweet
(310): View more from California

He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone

Fav 18 6883 1269
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal

Fav 5 2143 1015
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.

Fav 61 2156 11568
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?

Fav 6 2209 1087
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years

Fav 7 2479 1036
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.

Fav 7 3103 1283
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.

Fav 19 1078 5963
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

im here for your entertainment

Fav 7 2944 1148
share tweet
(228): View more from Mississippi

He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.

Fav 10 1496 3124
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.

Fav 6 3966 1102
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.

Fav 10 10143 1539
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.

Fav 6 4342 1965
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.

Fav 11 4116 2497
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.

Fav 4 1654 3314
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"

Fav 3 1206 2215
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.

Fav 2 2828 966
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.

Fav 6 3595 1226
share tweet
(619): View more from California

So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.

Fav 12 8258 1317
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.

Fav 7 1629 5127
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.

Fav 7 5688 1451
share tweet
(807): View more from Ontario

at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.

Fav 8 5440 1857
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.

Fav 10 7085 1307
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?

Fav 18 6103 1148
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.

Fav 21 10267 1205
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...

Fav 7 1217 2695
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine

Fav 20 5890 1388
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.

Fav 10 5132 1225
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa

Fav 13 3525 1455
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.

Fav 9 1847 4482
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

I will never swim in a flooded basement again..

Fav 7 1816 3193
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.

Fav 29 7566 1427
share tweet
(818): View more from California

What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?

Fav 17 1097 5328
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.

Fav 10 1398 3155
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.

Fav 8 1460 3041
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...

Fav 12 5577 1261
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?

Fav 29 1988 4232
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.

Fav 9 3834 1217
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.

Fav 15 5064 1132
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.

Fav 15 7528 1244
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.

Fav 18 2668 2244
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.

Fav 9 4107 1154
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.

Fav 18 6193 1655
share tweet
(626): View more from California

We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.

Fav 14 3627 1611
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.

Fav 23 1637 3433
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it

Fav 13 3206 1342
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system

Fav 18 5225 1191
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.

Fav 20 4607 1451
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while

Fav 21 5599 1246
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.

Fav 8 1462 3423
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.

Fav 3 2899 1389
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.

Fav 8 3944 1321
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.

Fav 3 2748 1693
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

this must be what syphilis tastes like

Fav 15 1057 6341
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.

Fav 5 4558 1924
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.

Fav 21 8523 1263
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"

Fav 40 5659 5471
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.

Fav 26 8370 2450
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.

Fav 5 4640 2227
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.

Fav 2 2791 1014
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.

Fav 30 12291 1657
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.

Fav 15 4199 1339
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me

Fav 14 1291 2491
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about

Fav 3 3891 1302
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is

Fav 6 6322 1097
share tweet
(213): View more from California

he quoted Bring It On. It's over.

Fav 10 1092 2821
share tweet
(408): View more from California

I think I just got seasick

(409): View more from Texas

you're not on a boat

(408): View more from California

he has a waterbed.

Fav 7 1723 874
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that

Fav 33 4218 1503
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis

Fav 13 3842 1471
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.

Fav 5 1229 4259
share tweet
(339): View more from Massachusetts

My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.

Fav 11 4985 1448
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.

Fav 17 7213 1882
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.

Fav 13 7464 1168
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?

Fav 13 2091 2959
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.

Fav 30 8575 1584
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro

Fav 13 3971 1421
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him

Fav 4 1209 2163
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.

Fav 6 5206 1110
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.

Fav 5 4367 1243
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole

Fav 15 1235 6256
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.

Fav 11 4935 2013
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.

Fav 8 4148 1951
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.

Fav 45 7927 1430
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.

Fav 25 9876 1327
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?

Fav 16 6198 1375
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.

Fav 38 8084 1335
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course

Fav 62 2491 1379
share tweet
(209): View more from California

I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.

Fav 25 8093 1363
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

What are we going to do tonight?

(704): View more from North Carolina

What we try to do every night. Take over the world

Fav 30 4919 1151
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends

Fav 77 7840 1553
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake

Fav 8 2847 5889
share tweet
(925): View more from California

We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?

Fav 37 3066 2832
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.

Fav 2 1459 712
share tweet
(894): View more from

just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit

Fav 16 7555 1143
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn

Fav 5 2858 1460
share tweet
(925): View more from California

if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars

Fav 16 5442 1554
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends

Fav 14 4629 2257
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate

Fav 3 5088 1295
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job

Fav 8 1064 3998
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.

Fav 26 6253 1399
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars

Fav 37 2125 5085
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america

Fav 23 1978 5236
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.

Fav 42 5473 1977
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first

Fav 13 2721 1349
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?

Fav 19 1847 5291
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.

Fav 20 1921 3185
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."

Fav 17 1243 6181
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

It was just a squirrel

(253): View more from Washington

You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar

Fav 12 6167 1410
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you

Fav 11 5955 1899
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.

Fav 5 5341 1187
share tweet
(707): View more from California

He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".

Fav 29 2144 3658
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you

Fav 20 5964 2306
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far

Fav 11 6169 1598
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.

Fav 16 3700 1166
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.

Fav 19 6914 1406
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine

Fav 21 3934 2112
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form

Fav 6 4769 1360
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

i would one night stand the shit outta him

Fav 11 5945 1202
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.

Fav 15 5332 1388
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.

Fav 18 7129 1340
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

Fav 50 20775 2680
share tweet