Texts From Last Night · shelteredme's Favorites

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(540): View more from Virginia

She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her

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(410): View more from Maryland

So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.

(443): View more from Maryland

YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."

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(541): View more from Oregon

im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more

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(804): View more from Virginia

Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry

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(602): View more from Arizona

Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it

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(205): View more from Alabama

Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.

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(925): View more from California

370HSSV 0773H read that upside down

(1-925): View more from California

what are you doing with your life

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(706): View more from Georgia

Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE

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(970): View more from Colorado

I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.

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(540): View more from Virginia

i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall

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(585): View more from New York

In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?

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(770): View more from Georgia

Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.

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(903): View more from Texas

Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you

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(847): View more from Illinois

Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.

(847): View more from Illinois

It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.

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(315): View more from New York

Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."

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(903): View more from Texas

EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT

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(613): View more from Ontario

Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Vomiting outside the employee entrance

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(586): View more from Michigan

on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"

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(231): View more from Michigan

I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.

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(347): View more from New York

his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm

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(614): View more from Ohio

I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?

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(806): View more from Texas

Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that

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(512): View more from Texas

all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me

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(779): View more from Illinois

Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?

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(509): View more from Washington

Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.

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(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

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(361): View more from Texas

After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably

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(806): View more from Texas

You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....

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(912): View more from Georgia

You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.

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(802): View more from Vermont

She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.

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(281): View more from Texas

WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!

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(904): View more from Florida

HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

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(303): View more from Colorado

its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn

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(361): View more from Texas

There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.

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(515): View more from Iowa

You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.

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(361): View more from Texas

I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either

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(402): View more from Nebraska

when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"

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(503): View more from Oregon

He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.

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(209): View more from California

You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant

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(206): View more from Washington

And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music

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(623): View more from Arizona

He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day

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(281): View more from Texas

She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out

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(562): View more from California

My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.

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(512): View more from Texas

We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"

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(614): View more from Ohio

she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?

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(561): View more from Florida

She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again

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(907): View more from Alaska

I've ID'd the nipple biter.

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(206): View more from Washington

Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.

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(585): View more from New York

that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag

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(206): View more from Washington

do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.

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(210): View more from Texas

Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad

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(970): View more from Colorado

I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.

(1-970): View more from Colorado

Soup is delicious

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(270): View more from Kentucky

We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.

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(810): View more from Michigan

you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay

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(434): View more from Virginia

She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit

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(248): View more from Michigan

Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."

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(660): View more from Missouri

There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK

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(516): View more from New York

i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

What did you cook with whisky?

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We started a fire.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..

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(361): View more from Texas

As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.

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(540): View more from Virginia

we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here

(540): View more from Virginia

you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill

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(915): View more from Texas

at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?

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(765): View more from Indiana

Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake

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(917): View more from New York City

u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY

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(917): View more from New York City

You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.

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(219): View more from Indiana

U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"

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(815): View more from Illinois

She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.

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(914): View more from New York

This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.

(1-914): View more from New York

maybe it's her son

(914): View more from New York

thats not any better.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!

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(303): View more from Colorado

Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Just invented taco cereal.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts

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(916): View more from California

I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.

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(251): View more from Alabama

I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.

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(518): View more from New York

I can feel the alcohol in my calves

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(917): View more from New York City

I just found a bag of teeth...

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(519): View more from Ontario

i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

some bitch filled my sink with salsa.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.

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(206): View more from Washington

it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.

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(541): View more from Oregon

he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.

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(847): View more from Illinois

He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!

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(330): View more from Ohio

theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.

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(519): View more from Ontario

like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...

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(443): View more from Maryland

and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp

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(406): View more from Montana

He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage

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(505): View more from New Mexico

so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment

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(248): View more from Michigan

Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology

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(313): View more from Michigan

Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.

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(207): View more from Maine

My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.

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(301): View more from Maryland

we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"

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(650): View more from California

Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"

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(317): View more from Indiana

He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

(1-317): View more from Indiana

He's the fucking cop whisperer.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.

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(303): View more from Colorado

He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.

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(425): View more from Washington

If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.

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(702): View more from Nevada

You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume

(612): View more from Minnesota

we need ur ladder

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(785): View more from Kansas

sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed

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(269): View more from Michigan

Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.

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(517): View more from Michigan

He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters

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(573): View more from Missouri

I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."

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(480): View more from Arizona

I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours

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(212): View more from New York

He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall

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(903): View more from Texas

So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants

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(646): View more from New York

when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.

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(813): View more from Florida

His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again

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(419): View more from Ohio

Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe

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(407): View more from Florida

And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.

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(614): View more from Ohio

All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.

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(716): View more from New York

Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera

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(925): View more from California

I hope this adventure ends at a hospital

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...

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(860): View more from Connecticut

That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog

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(518): View more from New York

I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.

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(904): View more from Florida

my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...

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(516): View more from New York

There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face

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(828): View more from North Carolina

then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge

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(419): View more from Ohio

Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.

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(703): View more from Virginia

keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am

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(985): View more from Louisiana

she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.

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(773): View more from Illinois

grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!

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(516): View more from New York

do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?

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(765): View more from Indiana

Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.

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(905): View more from Ontario

They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.

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(315): View more from New York

careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....

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(818): View more from California

I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.

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(703): View more from Virginia

There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.

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(408): View more from California

that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?

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(240): View more from Maryland

Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.

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(352): View more from Florida

My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.

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(630): View more from Illinois

The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.

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(847): View more from Illinois

This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.

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(660): View more from Missouri

Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you

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(713): View more from Texas

So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me

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(805): View more from California

You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.

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(254): View more from Texas

In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.

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(620): View more from Kansas

In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.

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(904): View more from Florida

she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...

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(954): View more from Florida

8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it

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(614): View more from Ohio

she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost

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(415): View more from California

Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.

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(949): View more from California

Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.

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(712): View more from Iowa

He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.

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(315): View more from New York

why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower

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(510): View more from California

Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet

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(517): View more from Michigan

I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided

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(253): View more from Washington

Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out

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(303): View more from Colorado

One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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(519): View more from Ontario

He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.

(604): View more from British Columbia

HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES

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(631): View more from New York

beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.

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(613): View more from Ontario

you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.

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(607): View more from New York

Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high

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(404): View more from Georgia

He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar

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(732): View more from New Jersey

four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

(732): View more from New Jersey

like it was yesterday

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.

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(301): View more from Maryland

The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"

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(432): View more from Texas

Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"

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(641): View more from Iowa

she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...

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(773): View more from Illinois

literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in

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(307): View more from Wyoming

The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story

(307): View more from Wyoming

The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it

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(361): View more from Texas

Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better

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(540): View more from Virginia

there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber

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(313): View more from Michigan

Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight

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(702): View more from Nevada

So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"

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(719): View more from Colorado

He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"

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(802): View more from Vermont

She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.

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(226): View more from Ontario

Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again

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(816): View more from Missouri

Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet

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(973): View more from New Jersey

can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..

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(616): View more from Michigan

So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"

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(678): View more from Georgia

NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree

(404): View more from Georgia

YES.

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(310): View more from California

While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

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(740): View more from Ohio

How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?

(1-740): View more from Ohio

2.5

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(503): View more from Oregon

They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?

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(818): View more from California

They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now

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(415): View more from California

apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.

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(850): View more from Florida

I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...

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(585): View more from New York

The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.

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(913): View more from Kansas

You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy

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(240): View more from Maryland

He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?

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(605): View more from South Dakota

there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".

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(250): View more from British Columbia

she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza

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(229): View more from Georgia

He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.

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(248): View more from Michigan

To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....

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(440): View more from Ohio

Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.

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(818): View more from California

I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?

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(562): View more from California

it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with

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(912): View more from Georgia

Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.

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(443): View more from Maryland

We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...

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(435): View more from Utah

this will be a night to untag.

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(847): View more from Illinois

He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.

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(916): View more from California

Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.

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(561): View more from Florida

oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.

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(480): View more from Arizona

New game: find the sober person in Tbell

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(765): View more from Indiana

After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.

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(805): View more from California

my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.

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(315): View more from New York

some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable

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(732): View more from New Jersey

ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision

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(908): View more from New Jersey

we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours

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(216): View more from Ohio

Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"

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(260): View more from Indiana

dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?

(1-260): View more from Indiana

what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing

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(816): View more from Missouri

you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(831): View more from California

theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.

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(347): View more from New York

sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.

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(515): View more from Iowa

then she stuck her tongue in my ass

(1-515): View more from Iowa

I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?

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(714): View more from California

I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.

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(256): View more from Alabama

you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

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(817): View more from Texas

I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?

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(847): View more from Illinois

You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head

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(616): View more from Michigan

Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.

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(705): View more from Ontario

APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...

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(513): View more from Ohio

I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?

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(518): View more from New York

he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."

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(705): View more from Ontario

She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.

(905): View more from Ontario

I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.

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(365): View more from

Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine

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(815): View more from Illinois

she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

You tried to poop in the sink last night.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now

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(419): View more from Ohio

my computer doesn't work...

(619): View more from California

why?

(419): View more from Ohio

i puked on it last night

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(214): View more from Texas

No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix

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(815): View more from Illinois

Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.

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(418): View more from Quebec

You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"

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(906): View more from Michigan

Dude, I think my check liver light just came on

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.

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(816): View more from Missouri

So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeeah thank god

(816): View more from Missouri

Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.

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(313): View more from Michigan

So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?

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(970): View more from Colorado

you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.

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(+77): View more from

her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'

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(478): View more from Georgia

yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"

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(214): View more from Texas

Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go

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(618): View more from Illinois

he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

People in love make me want to vomit

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(206): View more from Washington

I will die if light touches me.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I puked a lego.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high

(808): View more from Hawaii

worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

nevermind....I'm on the way

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(734): View more from Michigan

How was the bike ride?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.

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(616): View more from Michigan

a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning

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(440): View more from Ohio

Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.

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(903): View more from Texas

My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.

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(614): View more from Ohio

There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.

(614): View more from Ohio

Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.

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(925): View more from California

She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.

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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room

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(480): View more from Arizona

allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed

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(630): View more from Illinois

I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.

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(512): View more from Texas

they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation

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(503): View more from Oregon

I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.

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(510): View more from California

I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series

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(847): View more from Illinois

If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen

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(802): View more from Vermont

i can juggle bunnies

(1-802): View more from Vermont

cool

(802): View more from Vermont

on fire

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(816): View more from Missouri

That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

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(651): View more from Minnesota

we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers

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(651): View more from Minnesota

theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it

(651): View more from Minnesota

nevermind its newpaper

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun

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(858): View more from California

I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.

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(206): View more from Washington

Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.

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(831): View more from California

I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.

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(740): View more from Ohio

My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome

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(250): View more from British Columbia

tequila makes me forget i have legs

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(515): View more from Iowa

Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby

(1-515): View more from Iowa

What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(734): View more from Michigan

I wish I only lived at night.

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(614): View more from Ohio

im so drunk with asians

(1-614): View more from Ohio

where?

(614): View more from Ohio

always

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.

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(614): View more from Ohio

you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.

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(913): View more from Kansas

i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.

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(313): View more from Michigan

remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?

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(425): View more from Washington

He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from

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(805): View more from California

all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava

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(772): View more from Florida

The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me

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(309): View more from Illinois

i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.

(309): View more from Illinois

so finals studying is going well?

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(713): View more from Texas

woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night

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(301): View more from Maryland

Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?

(760): View more from California

You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.

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(301): View more from Maryland

You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope

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(713): View more from Texas

He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.

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(734): View more from Michigan

hey call me

(810): View more from Michigan

can't. in the shower.

(734): View more from Michigan

... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.

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(904): View more from Florida

i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall

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(231): View more from Michigan

I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!

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(845): View more from New York

alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.

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(516): View more from New York

OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM

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(858): View more from California

I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?

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(847): View more from Illinois

i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her

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(516): View more from New York

I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...

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(609): View more from New Jersey

WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.

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(727): View more from Florida

singing on the bus should be illegal

(607): View more from New York

huh?

(727): View more from Florida

There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down

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(706): View more from Georgia

I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"

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(801): View more from Utah

So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away

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(941): View more from Florida

She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???

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(541): View more from Oregon

you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?

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(864): View more from South Carolina

she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.

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(616): View more from Michigan

whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.

(231): View more from Michigan

i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.

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(706): View more from Georgia

If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore

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(619): View more from California

i wish my penis had a tongue

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(917): View more from New York City

half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.

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(503): View more from Oregon

My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"

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(734): View more from Michigan

i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

what was she crying about?

(734): View more from Michigan

i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Hawaiian shirts and no dignity

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.

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(703): View more from Virginia

i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.

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(540): View more from Virginia

my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.

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(440): View more from Ohio

We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

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(214): View more from Texas

Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.

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(316): View more from Kansas

how do we leave politely?

(1-316): View more from Kansas

Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

what does that even mean?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.

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(765): View more from Indiana

She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed

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(661): View more from California

I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.

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(845): View more from New York

maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night

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(334): View more from Alabama

Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.

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(440): View more from Ohio

We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.

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(415): View more from California

Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.

(503): View more from Oregon

Cooked or uncooked?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.

(1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

Your godly.

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(917): View more from New York City

I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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(360): View more from Washington

his personality makes his face look like an asshole.

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(810): View more from Michigan

When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

that probably didn't help your case.

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(718): View more from New York

At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.

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(818): View more from California

Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night

(334): View more from Alabama

I felt like a fucking code breaker.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

and the officer said have you been drinking

(864): View more from South Carolina

and i said NOO SIR.

(864): View more from South Carolina

and he said, I am a woman.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .

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(602): View more from Arizona

at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long

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(408): View more from California

man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"

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(317): View more from Indiana

I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....

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(727): View more from Florida

what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway

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(248): View more from Michigan

im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me

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(740): View more from Ohio

hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara

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(513): View more from Ohio

Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word

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(330): View more from Ohio

Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.

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(831): View more from California

I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE

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(518): View more from New York

Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.

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(217): View more from Illinois

you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

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(520): View more from Arizona

she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"

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(720): View more from Colorado

have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?

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(303): View more from Colorado

pwbgyin

(1-303): View more from Colorado

what?

(303): View more from Colorado

penguin condom

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.

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(917): View more from New York City

Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.

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(256): View more from Alabama

You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

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(806): View more from Texas

All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"

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(786): View more from Florida

He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."

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(416): View more from Toronto

Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit

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(805): View more from California

found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.

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(773): View more from Illinois

It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(480): View more from Arizona

He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.

(602): View more from Arizona

Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good

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(541): View more from Oregon

Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?

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(240): View more from Maryland

this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?

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(408): View more from California

you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"

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(417): View more from Missouri

He has such a weird drunk-voice.

(1-417): View more from Missouri

dude, he's deaf.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.

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(+66): View more from Thailand

She said her name was "party"

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(305): View more from Florida

If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining

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(650): View more from California

Get your hand out of your ass!

(734): View more from Michigan

how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?

(650): View more from California

In your belly button

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(480): View more from Arizona

the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....

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(810): View more from Michigan

i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!

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(416): View more from Ontario

He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.

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(305): View more from Florida

I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.

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(619): View more from California

she peed on how many people?

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome

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(518): View more from New York

i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere

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(386): View more from Florida

i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena

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(586): View more from Michigan

Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?

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(330): View more from Ohio

when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk

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(937): View more from Ohio

I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.

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(817): View more from Texas

I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.

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(519): View more from Ontario

You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.

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(845): View more from New York

Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo

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(734): View more from Michigan

swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.

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(310): View more from California

When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth

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(908): View more from New Jersey

how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(718): View more from New York

i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite

(917): View more from New York City

get a pic

(718): View more from New York

i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that

(917): View more from New York City

i want ur life

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please

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(201): View more from New Jersey

they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.

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(646): View more from New York

I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me

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(256): View more from Alabama

He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.

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(314): View more from Missouri

There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.

(818): View more from California

Punch her baby.

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(716): View more from New York

My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics

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(501): View more from Arkansas

thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.

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(571): View more from Virginia

final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.

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(469): View more from Texas

i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...

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(248): View more from Michigan

It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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(310): View more from California

thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!

(1-310): View more from California

you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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(845): View more from New York

i can't find my house

(1-845): View more from New York

we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

(845): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure my house moved.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(616): View more from Michigan

who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss

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(219): View more from Indiana

Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia

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(585): View more from New York

please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.

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(207): View more from Maine

I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it

(617): View more from Massachusetts

We call that spaghetti Os

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