Texts From Last Night · smithr380's Favorites

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smithr380's Favorites Texts:

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(406): View more from Montana

She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial

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(907): View more from Alaska

Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.

(647): View more from Ontario

Would it have been easier if he talked to her?

(416): View more from Toronto

Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.

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(361): View more from Texas

Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.

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(641): View more from Iowa

You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.

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(937): View more from Ohio

do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good

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(757): View more from Virginia

you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background

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(803): View more from South Carolina

It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".

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(512): View more from Texas

That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.

(210): View more from Texas

It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?

(512): View more from Texas

Is your card paying for my plan b?

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(586): View more from Michigan

LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply

(1-414): View more from Wisconsin

I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday

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(513): View more from Ohio

You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.

(802): View more from Vermont

So basically you were a dog.

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(630): View more from Illinois

i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'

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(210): View more from Texas

My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.

(720): View more from Colorado

Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?

(303): View more from Colorado

my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.

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(940): View more from Texas

My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!

(940): View more from Texas

HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.

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(804): View more from Virginia

My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.

(910): View more from North Carolina

Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.

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(325): View more from Texas

3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!

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(646): View more from New York

HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.

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(727): View more from Florida

pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....

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(989): View more from Michigan

What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night

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(651): View more from Minnesota

You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

yeah you don't forget that shit easily

(651): View more from Minnesota

We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.

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(509): View more from Washington

I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty

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(248): View more from Michigan

My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.

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(206): View more from Washington

Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am

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(835): View more from Pennsylvania

The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving

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(304): View more from West Virginia

she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'

(860): View more from Connecticut

where do you find these guys?

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(541): View more from Oregon

Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.

(1-313): View more from Michigan

Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.

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(480): View more from Arizona

its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore

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(303): View more from Colorado

What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"

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(313): View more from Michigan

I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina

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(213): View more from California

I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.

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(317): View more from Indiana

i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..

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(203): View more from Connecticut

you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.

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(980): View more from North Carolina

Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?

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(727): View more from Florida

It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.

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(845): View more from New York

I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...

(1+44): View more from

That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!

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(248): View more from Michigan

I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians

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(631): View more from New York

I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.

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(520): View more from Arizona

I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour

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(615): View more from Tennessee

i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.

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(914): View more from New York

They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"

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(210): View more from Texas

Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.

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(904): View more from Florida

I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...

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(708): View more from Illinois

is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro

(773): View more from Illinois

yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.

(708): View more from Illinois

how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?

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(716): View more from New York

Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?

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(303): View more from Colorado

How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?

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(806): View more from Texas

I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.

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(408): View more from California

Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning

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(770): View more from Georgia

If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?

(910): View more from North Carolina

That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?

(770): View more from Georgia

Touche.

(910): View more from North Carolina

I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.

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(812): View more from Indiana

They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal

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(785): View more from Kansas

MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.

(207): View more from Maine

HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.

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(614): View more from Ohio

would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?

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(719): View more from Colorado

Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room

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(458): View more from Oregon

I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.

(350): View more from

You are my idol.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Why are you speaking in third person?

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,

(679): View more from Michigan

I wanted to be a dolphin.

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(251): View more from Alabama

He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.

(1-251): View more from Alabama

Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.

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(419): View more from Ohio

laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?

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(404): View more from Georgia

I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?

(408): View more from California

JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.

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(530): View more from California

We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."

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(614): View more from Ohio

she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.

(614): View more from Ohio

I was always good at matching as a child.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...

(404): View more from Georgia

I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'

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(303): View more from Colorado

I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.

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(903): View more from Texas

Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me

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(919): View more from North Carolina

DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Oh God.

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(519): View more from Ontario

If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes

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(936): View more from Texas

I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.

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(813): View more from Florida

that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

this is not real life

(1-267): View more from Pennsylvania

it never is. after midnight never counts.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers

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(740): View more from Ohio

If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...

(1-336): View more from North Carolina

Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!

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(619): View more from California

Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.

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(323): View more from California

What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?

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(248): View more from Michigan

Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.

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(904): View more from Florida

you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...

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(949): View more from California

I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...

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(402): View more from Nebraska

1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!

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(949): View more from California

Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer

(1-949): View more from California

Party on wayne

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.

(917): View more from New York City

So many issues. You honestly need help.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!

(860): View more from Connecticut

I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo

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(319): View more from Iowa

I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.

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(904): View more from Florida

stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.

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(512): View more from Texas

you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday

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(406): View more from Montana

She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.

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(805): View more from California

I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.

(734): View more from Michigan

Your friend and I already don't get along

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.

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(816): View more from Missouri

It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.

(-1816): View more from

Probably is probably an understatement.

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(949): View more from California

He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?

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(303): View more from Colorado

I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B

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(248): View more from Michigan

I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is

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(713): View more from Texas

We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.

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(847): View more from Illinois

In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her

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(404): View more from Georgia

like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.

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(314): View more from Missouri

The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight

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(775): View more from Nevada

Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls

(702): View more from Nevada

Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us

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(903): View more from Texas

EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT

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(208): View more from Idaho

The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo

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(613): View more from Ontario

I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."

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(240): View more from Maryland

Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.

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(315): View more from New York

some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.

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(585): View more from New York

they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too

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(530): View more from California

When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.

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(623): View more from Arizona

its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..

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(209): View more from California

His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.

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(512): View more from Texas

we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja

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(619): View more from California

Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa

(603): View more from New Hampshire

I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...

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(914): View more from New York

He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name

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(816): View more from Missouri

He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion

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(310): View more from California

Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Vomiting outside the employee entrance

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(713): View more from Texas

Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.

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(909): View more from California

i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life

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(217): View more from Illinois

I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day

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(661): View more from California

the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

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(410): View more from Maryland

so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

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(315): View more from New York

So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(404): View more from Georgia

i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(443): View more from Maryland

I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong

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(916): View more from California

on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.

(1-916): View more from California

your optimism is becoming unhealthy

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(740): View more from Ohio

So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?

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(631): View more from New York

You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.

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(406): View more from Montana

she pinky promised me she was 18

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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(641): View more from Iowa

just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now

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(+33): View more from France

On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."

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(818): View more from California

I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.

(1-417): View more from Missouri

That's because you are an idiot.

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(419): View more from Ohio

i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me

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(512): View more from Texas

and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through

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(770): View more from Georgia

I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.

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(256): View more from Alabama

i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

dude how high are you right now?

(256): View more from Alabama

do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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(207): View more from Maine

Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices

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(303): View more from Colorado

I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on

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(773): View more from Illinois

How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?

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(585): View more from New York

If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.

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(845): View more from New York

i can't find my house

(1-845): View more from New York

we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

(845): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure my house moved.

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(478): View more from Georgia

So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking

(404): View more from Georgia

how did that work out?

(478): View more from Georgia

Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.

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(+54): View more from

My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.

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(713): View more from Texas

I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.

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(425): View more from Washington

Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.

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(360): View more from Washington

super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again

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(334): View more from Alabama

This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing

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(757): View more from Virginia

I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...

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(732): View more from New Jersey

hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again

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(831): View more from California

she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?

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(660): View more from Missouri

THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.

(816): View more from Missouri

..So we should take it off Youtube?

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(703): View more from Virginia

But I thought everyone had breakup sex?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.

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(703): View more from Virginia

like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.

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(512): View more from Texas

The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?

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(415): View more from California

There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better

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(908): View more from New Jersey

so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.

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(315): View more from New York

Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.

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(352): View more from Florida

Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.

(1-352): View more from Florida

What?

(352): View more from Florida

Just dont open the beer drawer.

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(904): View more from Florida

Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?

(1-904): View more from Florida

six.

(904): View more from Florida

Oh, I thought it was higher.

(1-904): View more from Florida

No, that would be the Matt's

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(319): View more from Iowa

he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"

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(914): View more from New York

It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.

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(206): View more from Washington

woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.

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(904): View more from Florida

Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.

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(647): View more from Ontario

all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

(905): View more from Ontario

You're fat. Stop making excuses

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(503): View more from Oregon

Hey man your outta milk

(541): View more from Oregon

How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!

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(313): View more from Michigan

I can get orange kush...

(586): View more from Michigan

GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!

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(502): View more from Kentucky

one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.

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(616): View more from Michigan

my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.

(1-616): View more from Michigan

does that include her cleaning your bowl?

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(248): View more from Michigan

I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.

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(248): View more from Michigan

They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"

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(224): View more from Illinois

I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am

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(951): View more from California

My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.

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(815): View more from Illinois

you thought your balls were fighting each other...

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(248): View more from Michigan

Am i fat?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Well i wouldnt let you on top

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Do they take checks?

(1-606): View more from Kentucky

Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?

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(770): View more from Georgia

The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Ask politely.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Thats good enough.

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(425): View more from Washington

i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.

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(315): View more from New York

dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A

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(862): View more from New Jersey

Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside

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(626): View more from California

she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo

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(205): View more from Alabama

I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo

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(440): View more from Ohio

So you threw a sword at me last night

(419): View more from Ohio

I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

We need to talk about our relationship.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.

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(207): View more from Maine

I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

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(904): View more from Florida

it glows. i had to have it.

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(510): View more from California

answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.

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(815): View more from Illinois

No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

thats actually pretty good logic

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I honestly don't know what to make of that.

(423): View more from Tennessee

A ham sandwich would be nice.

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(916): View more from California

my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"

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(614): View more from Ohio

I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.

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(716): View more from New York

One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.

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(937): View more from Ohio

[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]

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(404): View more from Georgia

dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?

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(239): View more from Florida

Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?

(813): View more from Florida

Nah, just masturbating louder

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(514): View more from Quebec

He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.

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(209): View more from California

Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.

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(850): View more from Florida

Are you still giving blowjobs?

(1-850): View more from Florida

Who is this?

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(573): View more from Missouri

just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch

(636): View more from Missouri

Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?

(573): View more from Missouri

IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation

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(727): View more from Florida

Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt

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(360): View more from Washington

He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.

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(706): View more from Georgia

We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where's it at?

(706): View more from Georgia

In your pants.

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(210): View more from Texas

I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job

(917): View more from New York City

You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.

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(224): View more from Illinois

I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.

(714): View more from California

Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."

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(320): View more from Minnesota

Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...

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(646): View more from New York

Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?

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(317): View more from Indiana

Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.

(614): View more from Ohio

Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money

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(303): View more from Colorado

im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

that was a mass text, wasnt it?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.

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(310): View more from California

can your parents tell?

(310): View more from California

i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know

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(417): View more from Missouri

I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.

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(518): View more from New York

Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.

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(425): View more from Washington

couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.

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(516): View more from New York

she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen

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(516): View more from New York

I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.

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(513): View more from Ohio

i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.

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(636): View more from Missouri

You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.

(847): View more from Illinois

What did I say?

(636): View more from Missouri

Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,

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(319): View more from Iowa

Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother

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(806): View more from Texas

Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.

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(214): View more from Texas

It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.

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(913): View more from Kansas

sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.

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(410): View more from Maryland

just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.

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(301): View more from Maryland

did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.

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(305): View more from Florida

I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.

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(317): View more from Indiana

if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?

(317): View more from Indiana

all hypothetical of course

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(858): View more from California

It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.

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(972): View more from Texas

Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving

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(404): View more from Georgia

Are you still at the party or did I leave?

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(443): View more from Maryland

The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.

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(503): View more from Oregon

iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.

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(216): View more from Ohio

We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber

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(203): View more from Connecticut

are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?

(203): View more from Connecticut

bc i get to see you. naked.

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(516): View more from New York

my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper

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(310): View more from California

I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.

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(949): View more from California

When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'

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(954): View more from Florida

tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?

(1-954): View more from Florida

Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.

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(334): View more from Alabama

she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.

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(415): View more from California

dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out

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(404): View more from Georgia

he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off

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(305): View more from Florida

Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle

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(260): View more from Indiana

I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.

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(727): View more from Florida

He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...

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(813): View more from Florida

watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...

(863): View more from Florida

Can I come live with you?

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(913): View more from Kansas

just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.

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(562): View more from California

If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome

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(630): View more from Illinois

You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.

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(513): View more from Ohio

just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America

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(970): View more from Colorado

let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(509): View more from Washington

Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.

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(407): View more from Florida

I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.

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(210): View more from Texas

I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink

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(515): View more from Iowa

I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror

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(812): View more from Indiana

I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.

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(817): View more from Texas

I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.

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(323): View more from California

I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.

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(817): View more from Texas

You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time

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(716): View more from New York

i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?

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(917): View more from New York City

I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.

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(801): View more from Utah

Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first

(206): View more from Washington

You are the luckiest man alive

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(786): View more from Florida

hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.

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(716): View more from New York

she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.

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(707): View more from California

You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome

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(614): View more from Ohio

you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.

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(914): View more from New York

just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm full of awesome ideas

(972): View more from Texas

Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...

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(330): View more from Ohio

She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"

(201): View more from New Jersey

hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins

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(541): View more from Oregon

Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?

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(205): View more from Alabama

It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.

(1-312): View more from Illinois

None of that is ok.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

What?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.

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(714): View more from California

drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.

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(630): View more from Illinois

He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?

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(904): View more from Florida

And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool

(386): View more from Florida

It could be our claim to fame

(904): View more from Florida

Done. I'll pack a cooler.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.

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(949): View more from California

I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.

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(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.

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(916): View more from California

Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?

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(404): View more from Georgia

Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.

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(917): View more from New York City

pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock

(347): View more from New York

I THOUGHT I SAW YOU

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(210): View more from Texas

i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.

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(773): View more from Illinois

she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"

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(256): View more from Alabama

she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia

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(914): View more from New York

still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium

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(604): View more from British Columbia

fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this

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(862): View more from New Jersey

he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"

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(206): View more from Washington

She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.

(478): View more from Georgia

I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.

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(434): View more from Virginia

i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome

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(309): View more from Illinois

i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.

(309): View more from Illinois

so finals studying is going well?

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(310): View more from California

i fucked a milf yesterday.

(619): View more from California

i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

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(+49): View more from Germany

Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.

(607): View more from New York

Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.

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(540): View more from Virginia

my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.

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(518): View more from New York

All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

(301): View more from Maryland

OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

(518): View more from New York

Doritoesssssss

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(253): View more from Washington

The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.

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(512): View more from Texas

why does the wii remote smell like your vag?

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(818): View more from California

apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"

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(512): View more from Texas

I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.

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(315): View more from New York

my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.

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(317): View more from Indiana

my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive

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(630): View more from Illinois

We stopped her at 12

(708): View more from Illinois

12 shots? Or 12 midnight?

(630): View more from Illinois

Which answer would freak you out less

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(314): View more from Missouri

I hate the hobo that sits outside our building

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Joe or Chris?

(314): View more from Missouri

do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?

(1-314): View more from Missouri

well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.

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(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back

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(708): View more from Illinois

sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed

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(303): View more from Colorado

I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.

(303): View more from Colorado

well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you

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(970): View more from Colorado

Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(586): View more from Michigan

so how was last night?

(1-586): View more from Michigan

got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

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(519): View more from Ontario

Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said

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(585): View more from New York

She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.

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(210): View more from Texas

Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously

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(602): View more from Arizona

you'll never guess what i found when i got home...

(928): View more from Arizona

a cake, in the toilet

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.

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(256): View more from Alabama

My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.

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(714): View more from California

You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that

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(559): View more from California

he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker

(914): View more from New York

Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?

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(706): View more from Georgia

I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

That's funny. Are they weird looking???

(262): View more from Wisconsin

OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water

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(805): View more from California

a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot

(818): View more from California

god is laughing at you again

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(408): View more from California

They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.

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(716): View more from New York

Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?

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(330): View more from Ohio

You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.

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(425): View more from Washington

Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while

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(207): View more from Maine

dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(239): View more from Florida

Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool

(252): View more from North Carolina

Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five

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(734): View more from Michigan

Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Haha did she know what fisting meant?

(734): View more from Michigan

Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Church boner. Awkwardddd

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(352): View more from Florida

homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...

(1-352): View more from Florida

so you did it...

(352): View more from Florida

obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party

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(732): View more from New Jersey

just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer

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(518): View more from New York

I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot

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(618): View more from Illinois

Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you

(580): View more from Oklahoma

Really.

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(240): View more from Maryland

oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times

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(210): View more from Texas

You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...

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(513): View more from Ohio

Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home

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(720): View more from Colorado

Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?

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(734): View more from Michigan

Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

How did the beer even get there in the first place?

(734): View more from Michigan

That's not what's important right now

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(773): View more from Illinois

I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit

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(352): View more from Florida

Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes

(1-352): View more from Florida

I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.

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(512): View more from Texas

She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."

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(214): View more from Texas

Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

God wants them to get laid too.

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(630): View more from Illinois

i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

nothing about this is right.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work

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(949): View more from California

Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up

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(303): View more from Colorado

You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city

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(575): View more from New Mexico

The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"

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(314): View more from Missouri

he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

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(440): View more from Ohio

You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

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(248): View more from Michigan

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

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(510): View more from California

On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.

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(661): View more from California

He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.

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(518): View more from New York

As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.

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(847): View more from Illinois

he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?

(952): View more from Minnesota

You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....

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(816): View more from Missouri

Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar

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(831): View more from California

she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him

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(207): View more from Maine

my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.

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(807): View more from Ontario

Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?

(1-807): View more from Ontario

Just flip the mattress, it erases all

(807): View more from Ontario

Done and done

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(303): View more from Colorado

I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes

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(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations

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(817): View more from Texas

how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...

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(951): View more from California

I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal

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(250): View more from British Columbia

A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja

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(908): View more from New Jersey

how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots

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(845): View more from New York

Because ur a stupid bitch

(1-845): View more from New York

Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(913): View more from Kansas

Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're the best girlfriend ever.

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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