Texts From Last Night · dhooks111490's Favorites

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(256): View more from Alabama

On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult

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(937): View more from Ohio

I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.

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(801): View more from Utah

I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Alls I remember is making out with that chick.

(612): View more from Minnesota

Nope that was a dude

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(360): View more from Washington

DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!

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(314): View more from Missouri

You are a booty call, not a friend.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."

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(720): View more from Colorado

She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.

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(817): View more from Texas

Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.

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(260): View more from Indiana

I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.

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(720): View more from Colorado

My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

Who in tha hell do u hang out with?

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(513): View more from Ohio

Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro

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(619): View more from California

My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.

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(972): View more from Texas

I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.

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(805): View more from California

No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.

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(619): View more from California

I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.

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(714): View more from California

Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.

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(518): View more from New York

I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights

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(289): View more from Ontario

eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.

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(404): View more from Georgia

You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up

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(317): View more from Indiana

You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time

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(404): View more from Georgia

I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.

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(678): View more from Georgia

i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.

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(937): View more from Ohio

i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.

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(317): View more from Indiana

that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

How have you survived this long?

(479): View more from Arkansas

Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day

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(720): View more from Colorado

i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.

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(954): View more from Florida

You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.

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(858): View more from California

this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me

(619): View more from California

that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.

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(850): View more from Florida

I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day

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(847): View more from Illinois

And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.

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(516): View more from New York

Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down

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(720): View more from Colorado

So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Technically my penis started a fight tonight

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(424): View more from California

Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag

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(714): View more from California

Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.

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(301): View more from Maryland

he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"

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(803): View more from South Carolina

thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem

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(979): View more from Texas

A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Get your penis over here NOW. emergency

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(734): View more from Michigan

It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free

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(662): View more from Mississippi

What if our hands were octopus tentacles?

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

You're an idiot.

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(805): View more from California

the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.

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(714): View more from California

I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?

(949): View more from California

Midgetier?

(714): View more from California

Smaller, yet meaner.

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(303): View more from Colorado

This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.

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(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

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(512): View more from Texas

With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.

(330): View more from Ohio

Dude what the fuck...

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face

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(914): View more from New York

I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint

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(716): View more from New York

her body is proportioned like a family guy character

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(516): View more from New York

you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.

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(248): View more from Michigan

she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list

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(903): View more from Texas

Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance

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(330): View more from Ohio

I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.

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(404): View more from Georgia

If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.

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(415): View more from California

I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes

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(914): View more from New York

I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.

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(818): View more from California

Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive

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(313): View more from Michigan

sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework

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(914): View more from New York

I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.

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(607): View more from New York

Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!

(315): View more from New York

I get naked cuz your not there

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(616): View more from Michigan

What changed your mind?

(1-616): View more from Michigan

Being sober

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(540): View more from Virginia

Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.

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(801): View more from Utah

We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina

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(972): View more from Texas

We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".

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(419): View more from Ohio

Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious

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(847): View more from Illinois

I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.

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(630): View more from Illinois

slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.

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(641): View more from Iowa

I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".

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(631): View more from New York

I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.

(631): View more from New York

Cruelly.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.

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(850): View more from Florida

You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.

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(520): View more from Arizona

I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm pregnant.

(1-407): View more from Florida

The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???

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(443): View more from Maryland

No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..

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(914): View more from New York

He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first

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(209): View more from California

Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.

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(914): View more from New York

How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop

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(517): View more from Michigan

This baby is an asshole

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(850): View more from Florida

I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.

(908): View more from New Jersey

Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.

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(561): View more from Florida

I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?

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(602): View more from Arizona

I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits

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(606): View more from Kentucky

i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.

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(310): View more from California

It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.

(415): View more from California

That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.

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(469): View more from Texas

i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...

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(317): View more from Indiana

just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.

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(620): View more from Kansas

Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.

(1-620): View more from Kansas

No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.

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(661): View more from California

ive cried into many a lonely burritos..

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.

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(586): View more from Michigan

on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.

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(517): View more from Michigan

winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.

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(718): View more from New York

Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?

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(530): View more from California

You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.

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(404): View more from Georgia

standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.

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(210): View more from Texas

he referred to my room as the tit cave...

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night

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(253): View more from Washington

Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.

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(909): View more from California

i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed

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(585): View more from New York

any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?

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(240): View more from Maryland

this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.

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(979): View more from Texas

we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.

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(352): View more from Florida

She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.

(1-605): View more from South Dakota

Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.

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(818): View more from California

actually, I'm a sock model

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(865): View more from Tennessee

that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.

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(631): View more from New York

I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move

(617): View more from Massachusetts

that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame

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(503): View more from Oregon

ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker

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(315): View more from New York

I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.

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(310): View more from California

Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

he told me I talked like a deaf person

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(509): View more from Washington

Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom

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(845): View more from New York

You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"

Fav 3 1784 825
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(540): View more from Virginia

I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus

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(309): View more from Illinois

My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome

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(803): View more from South Carolina

High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.

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(404): View more from Georgia

i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me

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(330): View more from Ohio

You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen

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(514): View more from Quebec

I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I think the camel was justified in biting me.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH

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(804): View more from Virginia

Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?

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(913): View more from Kansas

My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits

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(303): View more from Colorado

accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...

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(509): View more from Washington

Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.

Fav 22 2202 939
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(705): View more from Ontario

and you said cock pushups were impossible

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm home now. bring me food and boobies

Fav 3 2796 979
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(859): View more from Kentucky

How external is "for external use only"?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.

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(44): View more from England

What's everyones problem with my costume?!

(1-44): View more from England

It looks like a unicorn came on your face.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...

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(419): View more from Ohio

I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.

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(210): View more from Texas

I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.

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(509): View more from Washington

As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.

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(303): View more from Colorado

if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous

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(586): View more from Michigan

I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'

(586): View more from Michigan

I thought that was really considerate

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(480): View more from Arizona

WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.

Fav 4 1032 2175
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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.

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(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever

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(704): View more from North Carolina

this is really not the time to pretend we have morals

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(905): View more from Toronto

No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags

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(602): View more from Arizona

69 |D_O

(1-602): View more from Arizona

wtf does that mean??

(602): View more from Arizona

it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?

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(619): View more from California

found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.

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(281): View more from Texas

Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno

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(512): View more from Texas

He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse

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(757): View more from Virginia

If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?

(269): View more from Michigan

Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.

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(661): View more from California

It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas

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(845): View more from New York

don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.

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(518): View more from New York

I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

So do you want to come over? ;)

(763): View more from Minnesota

Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.

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(713): View more from Texas

on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left

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(347): View more from New York

sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina

Fav 4 2892 1273
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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.

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(330): View more from Ohio

He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed

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(248): View more from Michigan

Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.

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(214): View more from Texas

Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G

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(419): View more from Ohio

I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?

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(763): View more from Minnesota

she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day

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(859): View more from Kentucky

When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"

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(219): View more from Indiana

LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS

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(336): View more from North Carolina

The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Found the puke drawer

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(260): View more from Indiana

Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.

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(817): View more from Texas

You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness

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(914): View more from New York

All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.

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(909): View more from California

If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.

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(903): View more from Texas

Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Me specifically?

(903): View more from Texas

Yep.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.

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(614): View more from Ohio

how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready

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(402): View more from Nebraska

apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"

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(816): View more from Missouri

Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"

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(512): View more from Texas

My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.

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(904): View more from Florida

We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese

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(714): View more from California

Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.

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(801): View more from Utah

You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.

(1-801): View more from Utah

There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.

(801): View more from Utah

alright see you in the morning.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Wish you were here....

(734): View more from Michigan

And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?

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(212): View more from New York

Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!

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(936): View more from Texas

Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!

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(602): View more from Arizona

I wish they made sweatshirts for legs

(1-602): View more from Arizona

you mean pants?

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(989): View more from Michigan

i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.

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(254): View more from Texas

I am coming home for anal

(254): View more from Texas

* a nap*

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(925): View more from California

370HSSV 0773H read that upside down

(1-925): View more from California

what are you doing with your life

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(805): View more from California

im having a threesome with these popsicles

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(720): View more from Colorado

just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life

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(708): View more from Illinois

We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."

(1-708): View more from Illinois

Let's do it. All homo

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(301): View more from Maryland

Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Well douche your snatch and let's go!

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(210): View more from Texas

Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.

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(303): View more from Colorado

i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.

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(574): View more from Indiana

I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.

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(714): View more from California

we're chasing vodka with high fives

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.

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(813): View more from Florida

My mind said no, but my drink said yes.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.

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(647): View more from Ontario

on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..

(1-647): View more from Ontario

who won?

(647): View more from Ontario

THAT is your concern right now?

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(239): View more from Florida

Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word

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(206): View more from Washington

My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.

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(305): View more from Florida

I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left

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(618): View more from Illinois

His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?

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(661): View more from California

Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?

(1-661): View more from California

What the hell did you do last night?!

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(775): View more from Nevada

i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure

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(248): View more from Michigan

am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????

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(646): View more from New York

ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!

(812): View more from Indiana

?

(646): View more from New York

Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind

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(303): View more from Colorado

At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.

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(972): View more from Texas

Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.

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(208): View more from Idaho

so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Please, let me fuck your mom

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(972): View more from Texas

You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'

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(614): View more from Ohio

would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.

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(630): View more from Illinois

So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could

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(206): View more from Washington

Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her

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(256): View more from Alabama

I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.

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(906): View more from Michigan

i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?

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(248): View more from Michigan

Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.

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(903): View more from Texas

u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?

(214): View more from Texas

Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?

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(815): View more from Illinois

you thought your balls were fighting each other...

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(775): View more from Nevada

If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.

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(817): View more from Texas

despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds

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(785): View more from Kansas

It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...

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(520): View more from Arizona

He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets

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(612): View more from Minnesota

the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!

(615): View more from Tennessee

I don't wanna die...

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(915): View more from Texas

You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs

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(716): View more from New York

People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.

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(909): View more from California

why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.

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(607): View more from New York

Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.

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(434): View more from Virginia

Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...

(434): View more from Virginia

I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade

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(815): View more from Illinois

She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.

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(786): View more from Florida

He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."

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(773): View more from Illinois

So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay

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(850): View more from Florida

it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.

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(404): View more from Georgia

hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??

(1-404): View more from Georgia

no.

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(815): View more from Illinois

you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.

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(314): View more from Missouri

It'll be just me and my penis against the world.

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(623): View more from Arizona

just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?

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(646): View more from New York

he just put it in my mouth and said "go"

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(703): View more from Virginia

I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.

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(509): View more from Washington

I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride

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(301): View more from Maryland

my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook

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(937): View more from Ohio

just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.

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(206): View more from Washington

i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.

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(801): View more from Utah

He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...

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(604): View more from British Columbia

she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.

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(209): View more from California

it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.

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(850): View more from Florida

that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?

(1-920): View more from Wisconsin

no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?

(920): View more from Wisconsin

he wasn't. neither were you.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?

(918): View more from Oklahoma

You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

I wish there were wingman of the year awards.

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(765): View more from Indiana

He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...

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(630): View more from Illinois

just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.

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(925): View more from California

I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

FUCK YOU MAN

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(917): View more from New York City

I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.

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(514): View more from Quebec

Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?

(1-514): View more from Quebec

Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra

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(773): View more from Illinois

oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever

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(510): View more from California

He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?

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(602): View more from Arizona

where are you

(303): View more from Colorado

in your bedroom

(602): View more from Arizona

how did you get in

(303): View more from Colorado

your wife…

(602): View more from Arizona

WTF

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(360): View more from Washington

I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.

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(519): View more from Ontario

like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...

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(801): View more from Utah

Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first

(206): View more from Washington

You are the luckiest man alive

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(812): View more from Indiana

there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!

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(941): View more from Florida

sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single

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(530): View more from California

the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.

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(305): View more from Florida

God, you're like boner-b-gone

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(310): View more from California

I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.

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(917): View more from New York City

i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me

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(256): View more from Alabama

I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Did you fuck her?

(212): View more from New York

If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.

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(912): View more from Georgia

She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Goodnight sugar queer

(480): View more from Arizona

Sugar queer??

(602): View more from Arizona

Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?

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(916): View more from California

I'm really into asian looking animals

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(541): View more from Oregon

its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.

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(303): View more from Colorado

There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .

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(940): View more from Texas

Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.

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(415): View more from California

I have another pimple on my ass cheek.

(420): View more from

I'll be there in 10 minutes.

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(248): View more from Michigan

it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar

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(352): View more from Florida

What are you doing?

(352): View more from Florida

High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...

(352): View more from Florida

That guy could sell me cancer.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

you traded sex for a burrito?

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(516): View more from New York

Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.

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(478): View more from Georgia

you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...

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(512): View more from Texas

we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.

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(518): View more from New York

All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

(301): View more from Maryland

OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

(518): View more from New York

Doritoesssssss

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".

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(503): View more from Oregon

I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.

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(323): View more from California

I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.

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(214): View more from Texas

More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings

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(772): View more from Florida

He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby

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(514): View more from Quebec

I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was

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(540): View more from Virginia

hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut

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(770): View more from Georgia

Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.

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(850): View more from Florida

hey. who tried to drive me home last night?

(904): View more from Florida

not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?

(850): View more from Florida

i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.

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(330): View more from Ohio

The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind

(1-330): View more from Ohio

Well it worked

(330): View more from Ohio

Not the point

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(910): View more from North Carolina

just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics

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(773): View more from Illinois

i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck

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(916): View more from California

God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Its gonna be a symphony of fucks

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..

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(512): View more from Texas

I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.

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(678): View more from Georgia

His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.

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(951): View more from California

So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.

(909): View more from California

dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?

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(616): View more from Michigan

Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.

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(518): View more from New York

i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting

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(432): View more from Texas

I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.

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(817): View more from Texas

this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Umm..who the fuck is this?

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Oh shit

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(347): View more from New York

Moan for me like Helen Keller

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(862): View more from New Jersey

dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off

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(864): View more from South Carolina

We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.

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(941): View more from Florida

Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.

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(303): View more from Colorado

If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.

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(407): View more from Florida

this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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(514): View more from Quebec

Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"

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(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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(360): View more from Washington

he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

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(512): View more from Texas

The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?

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(912): View more from Georgia

just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart

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(917): View more from New York City

Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him

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(440): View more from Ohio

You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

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(314): View more from Missouri

doooooooo herrrrrrrrr

(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm out of practice. be my yoda

(314): View more from Missouri

put your penis in her you must.

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(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

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(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

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(641): View more from Iowa

Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.

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(+79): View more from

You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"

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(303): View more from Colorado

Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.

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(360): View more from Washington

What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.

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(770): View more from Georgia

You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.

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(541): View more from Oregon

THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?

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(703): View more from Virginia

Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.

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(+61): View more from Australia

On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety

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(973): View more from New Jersey

"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time

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(303): View more from Colorado

Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You're just horny.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.

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(248): View more from Michigan

He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.

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(352): View more from Florida

I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.

(1-701): View more from North Dakota

Jesus, are you hammered?

(701): View more from North Dakota

Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.

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(936): View more from Texas

You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?

(+48): View more from Poland

Poland

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."

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(626): View more from California

Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?

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(606): View more from Kentucky

after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.

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(541): View more from Oregon

When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?

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(712): View more from Iowa

You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?

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(678): View more from Georgia

Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Casually had to file a missing persons report last night

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(503): View more from Oregon

And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.

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(707): View more from California

She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night

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(703): View more from Virginia

we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'

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(248): View more from Michigan

SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!

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(732): View more from New Jersey

So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"

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(602): View more from Arizona

I just woke up to me licking the dognuts

(623): View more from Arizona

You mean Doughnuts?

(602): View more from Arizona

......No :(

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(604): View more from British Columbia

she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower

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(560): View more from

I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?

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(516): View more from New York

onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?

(443): View more from Maryland

he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?

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(518): View more from New York

my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...

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(616): View more from Michigan

Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?

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(626): View more from California

you didnt know i had herpes?

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(310): View more from California

ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I love you

(720): View more from Colorado

are you drunk

(440): View more from Ohio

yes but I def love you, we should get married

(720): View more from Colorado

But I'm Jewish

(440): View more from Ohio

embrace Jesus

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is

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(925): View more from California

Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.

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(416): View more from Ontario

dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!

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(937): View more from Ohio

[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]

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(864): View more from South Carolina

he tried to breastfeed my turtle

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN

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(913): View more from Kansas

"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.

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(516): View more from New York

You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?

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(903): View more from Texas

Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.

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(616): View more from Michigan

who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss

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(619): View more from California

i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

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(817): View more from Texas

Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

(1-817): View more from Texas

You weighed it?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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(954): View more from Florida

I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza

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(219): View more from Indiana

Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(416): View more from Ontario

Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(720): View more from Colorado

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(410): View more from Maryland

so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

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(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(828): View more from North Carolina

NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE

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(740): View more from Ohio

Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.

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(425): View more from Washington

Wanna skype?

(1-425): View more from Washington

Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.

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(571): View more from Virginia

How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP

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(714): View more from California

I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.

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(916): View more from California

My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...

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(702): View more from Nevada

I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.

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(561): View more from Florida

I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.

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