Texts From Last Night · shrivledballs's Favorites

Sorry baldhead_krillin hasn't picked any favorites yet.

shrivledballs's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(718): View more from New York

I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"

Fav 29 8626 1506
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours

Fav 15 13873 1581
share tweet

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...

Fav 14 6015 1420
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her

Fav 11 6082 1254
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.

Fav 8 2285 3532
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"

Fav 12 6095 1359
share tweet

(678): View more from Georgia

NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree

(404): View more from Georgia

YES.

Fav 5 4005 1187
share tweet

(310): View more from California

While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

Fav 34 17974 2089
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.

Fav 13 9159 1467
share tweet
(714): View more from California

walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

(714): View more from California

he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

Fav 44 5324 9045
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.

Fav 25 9952 1392
share tweet

(443): View more from Maryland

He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid

Fav 18 3586 1463
share tweet

(310): View more from California

thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!

(1-310): View more from California

you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?

Fav 30 12341 1703
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away

(440): View more from Ohio

isn't bella the cat???

(216): View more from Ohio

that she is

Fav 9 3315 1419
share tweet

(502): View more from Kentucky

so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...

Fav 48 1575 6317
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...

(1-614): View more from Ohio

FUCK YOU.

Fav 69 4507 3092
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.

Fav 10 1660 4086
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse

(914): View more from New York

so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though

Fav 11 4609 888
share tweet
(562): View more from California

I wanna eat

(562): View more from California

then frost

(562): View more from California

then eat your cupcake

Fav 12 1480 867
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef

Fav 33 7234 1142
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life

Fav 24 5239 1042
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes

Fav 34 8593 1600
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?

(720): View more from Colorado

This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?

Fav 98 3081 6210
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!

Fav 20 2650 1194
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

Two?

(404): View more from Georgia

Two.

Fav 264 5199 80181
share tweet
(925): View more from California

don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement

(510): View more from California

big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.

Fav 11 6997 1567
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.

Fav 9 1775 3528
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test

(1-217): View more from Illinois

wow, a mother in the making

Fav 45 2016 6037
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there

Fav 14 7182 1363
share tweet
(807): View more from Ontario

I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.

Fav 46 7734 1415
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.

(503): View more from Oregon

By 8 I mean 9.

(503): View more from Oregon

And by 9 I mean 10.

Fav 62 3684 5437
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.

Fav 32 5014 2232
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

(508): View more from Massachusetts

what was i wearing?

(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing

Fav 22 15629 1739
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

They are making fun of natty and blackberries.

(646): View more from New York

Tell them they are ugly.

Fav 8 4223 1444
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!

Fav 51 1758 10920
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay

Fav 9 4483 1423
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.

Fav 41 11927 1832
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.

Fav 37 9342 1501
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

Do they take checks?

(1-606): View more from Kentucky

Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?

Fav 18 5365 2037
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Ask politely.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Thats good enough.

Fav 62 14043 1745
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?

Fav 72 18828 3097
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.

Fav 21 7148 1285
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.

Fav 26 1722 5882
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.

Fav 9 4955 1392
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.

Fav 11 3714 1807
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

It'd be like medium rare by now.

(1-419): View more from Ohio

I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.

Fav 9 2047 3907
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.

(1-813): View more from Florida

only on the fourth of july.

Fav 20 8359 1576
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip

Fav 10 3872 1922
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college

Fav 27 6489 1402
share tweet
(916): View more from California

my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

Fav 44 17641 1902
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"

Fav 51 2596 7282
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

Fav 51 16034 4495
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

it glows. i had to have it.

Fav 14 5855 1360
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.

Fav 6 4781 1343
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I honestly don't know what to make of that.

(423): View more from Tennessee

A ham sandwich would be nice.

Fav 16 8166 1577
share tweet
(562): View more from California

Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.

Fav 34 12263 1842
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.

Fav 20 4550 1425
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]

Fav 29 12047 2999
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole

Fav 21 1190 7298
share tweet
(760): View more from California

It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.

Fav 23 1376 4113
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high

Fav 49 7811 1176
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had

Fav 16 5110 1238
share tweet
(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.

Fav 22 1485 4496
share tweet
(562): View more from California

the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

Fav 95 21329 2346
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.

Fav 13 5038 1527
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.

Fav 14 1955 3487
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.

Fav 18 5024 1315
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You might as well just give her the money now.

Fav 72 4315 1827
share tweet
(310): View more from California

So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?

Fav 15 5505 1376
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.

Fav 9 1431 5379
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur

(413): View more from Massachusetts

did it start talking like on Land before time?

Fav 12 4365 942
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?

Fav 40 1206 9868
share tweet
(760): View more from California

Why is your vibrator in the fridge?

(1-760): View more from California

I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.

Fav 41 7336 1793
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.

Fav 114 1950 25661
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

Fav 76 17029 2587
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

like hot dogs and buns.

Fav 22 8748 1585
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?

Fav 42 10800 1674
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.

Fav 29 6843 3123
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.

Fav 26 8582 1995
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch

(636): View more from Missouri

Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?

(573): View more from Missouri

IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation

Fav 29 7464 2731
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.

Fav 38 12651 1611
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.

Fav 31 9358 1965
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...

Fav 36 8346 1745
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.

Fav 15 7058 2492
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.

Fav 35 6569 2521
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other

Fav 9 5749 1339
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.

Fav 15 6148 1366
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt

Fav 25 12701 1830
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.

Fav 39 2146 5762
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina

Fav 24 2794 5770
share tweet
(650): View more from California

you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"

Fav 18 6095 903
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Mommy issues

Fav 4 1207 2082
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack

Fav 21 1389 890
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco

Fav 61 3526 1754
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.

Fav 26 8533 1713
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.

(585): View more from New York

I hate you.

(314): View more from Missouri

To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.

Fav 23 3460 867
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.

Fav 18 6950 1402
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

I feel like half our conversations start this way.

Fav 16 6461 1156
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.

Fav 25 1640 5018
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

Fav 125 44240 1935
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.

Fav 36 6606 1194
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?

Fav 5 2093 904
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.

Fav 2 5771 1831
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him

(608): View more from Wisconsin

Just another sign I need to get out of this town

Fav 25 3173 1100
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.

Fav 20 8122 1399
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'

Fav 22 2595 4863
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.

Fav 9 4721 1305
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.

Fav 21 8918 1547
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.

Fav 8 4949 1666
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?

Fav 11 1446 4818
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.

Fav 22 1742 6575
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?

Fav 22 10540 1449
share tweet
(818): View more from California

his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up

Fav 13 1391 5158
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!

Fav 27 9713 4569
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed

Fav 21 5387 1211
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?

(816): View more from Missouri

yes. helicopter.

Fav 19 5931 1334
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.

Fav 12 1573 5327
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70

Fav 13 6567 1356
share tweet
(980): View more from North Carolina

You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.

Fav 12 2389 3576
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.

Fav 12 1232 7508
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.

Fav 37 4909 997
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle

(859): View more from Kentucky

Guys should not giggle. Ever.

Fav 22 3362 1004
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?

Fav 8 5023 1369
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...

Fav 13 1383 4987
share tweet
(+32): View more from Belgium

We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.

Fav 13 6956 1364
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

My bed smells like naked

(414): View more from Wisconsin

Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes

Fav 2 2796 927
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.

Fav 3 3643 1593
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.

Fav 9 8210 1270
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?

Fav 14 5339 2741
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.

Fav 31 4802 5709
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.

Fav 24 12046 1680
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.

Fav 13 5939 1458
share tweet
(916): View more from California

day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.

Fav 10 6439 1457
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.

Fav 5 5794 1303
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?

(317): View more from Indiana

all hypothetical of course

Fav 14 5866 1597
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face

Fav 52 9109 1698
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.

Fav 61 11285 2282
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu

Fav 36 1048 5299
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover

Fav 56 3402 6813
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...

Fav 17 6274 1534
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...

Fav 29 3647 1825
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.

Fav 16 5993 1477
share tweet
(510): View more from California

well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it

Fav 16 5009 1234
share tweet
(661): View more from California

aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet

(623): View more from Arizona

And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs

(661): View more from California

Exactly.

Fav 18 7365 1532
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

He managed to light the Jello on fire...

Fav 16 6226 1324
share tweet
(805): View more from California

we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home

Fav 17 1331 8235
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.

Fav 6 6179 1265
share tweet
(818): View more from California

His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.

Fav 42 4185 9591
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.

Fav 6 4028 1616
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?

Fav 12 4363 1388
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.

Fav 29 5702 2388
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

Fav 44 8521 2976
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.

Fav 16 1129 6597
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.

Fav 11 6045 1654
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..

Fav 17 6064 1366
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

Fav 111 40363 3926
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?

Fav 28 8950 1793
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night

Fav 43 10546 3436
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.

Fav 44 1336 6774
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'd give my left nut to see you

(609): View more from New Jersey

don't do that. I like the set

Fav 12 10202 1205
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.

Fav 19 5837 1356
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

Jesus knows you're telling a lie.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup

Fav 6 5138 1041
share tweet
(707): View more from California

so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?

Fav 27 1277 3502
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.

Fav 24 6675 1461
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think

Fav 16 4599 3506
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.

Fav 50 6066 1244
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?

Fav 5 1455 975
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!

Fav 45 6212 1666
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.

Fav 19 5467 1637
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"

(1-606): View more from Kentucky

You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.

Fav 17 1341 6104
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.

Fav 22 1519 4480
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.

Fav 74 4312 18528
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.

Fav 26 3828 1223
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Um, that's called prostitution

(773): View more from Illinois

Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money

Fav 4 3020 820
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.

(1-302): View more from Delaware

he's 29.

Fav 16 1899 5120
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.

Fav 17 1602 6073
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.

Fav 20 10781 1426
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.

Fav 7 1929 6113
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.

Fav 7 5576 2830
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.

Fav 20 6775 1610
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.

Fav 24 9142 1937
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"

Fav 7 5070 1300
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.

Fav 18 6894 1507
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.

Fav 16 6439 1243
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

It usually does with you

Fav 6 4570 1273
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.

Fav 22 4683 1285
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.

Fav 4 3190 2141
share tweet
(415): View more from California

dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.

Fav 25 9647 1672
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out

Fav 13 9111 1496
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???

Fav 24 1504 8357
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.

Fav 18 7082 2252
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is

Fav 16 5510 2225
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.

Fav 48 8333 2401
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.

Fav 16 5251 1566
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk

Fav 27 3647 1175
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.

Fav 30 1923 6379
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"

Fav 9 2592 6922
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times

Fav 12 9147 2021
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.

Fav 9 4677 1615
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.

Fav 38 13585 1851
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

Fav 125 48824 2422
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.

Fav 36 8233 1682
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.

Fav 74 2721 9388
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week

Fav 25 5335 914
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.

Fav 11 871 4139
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.

Fav 31 3481 1644
share tweet
(916): View more from California

put your butt on the phone this is a booty call

Fav 25 3369 1014
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.

Fav 18 2433 4374
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation

Fav 13 5201 2000
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.

Fav 12 5506 1854
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.

Fav 28 4186 6034
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...

(863): View more from Florida

Can I come live with you?

Fav 21 5956 1462
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.

Fav 15 4665 1584
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .

Fav 9 6852 1570
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?

Fav 37 9190 3480
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay

Fav 16 5546 3889
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

i think i left my bra at your place

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.

Fav 22 11226 1445
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!

Fav 13 7092 1495
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?

(1-954): View more from Florida

Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.

Fav 72 11325 1844
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.

(440): View more from Ohio

I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl

Fav 25 7026 1032
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Writing my paper on freud at bar

(917): View more from New York City

??

(203): View more from Connecticut

Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children

(917): View more from New York City

Smooth

Fav 8 2061 1059
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!

(806): View more from Texas

wasnt one 13?

Fav 58 1258 3886
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.

Fav 22 4390 1249
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.

Fav 25 2329 845
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?

Fav 12 6416 2117
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college

Fav 32 5993 1018
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.

Fav 31 2921 7591
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.

Fav 37 3649 909
share tweet
(818): View more from California

i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.

Fav 12 4116 1119
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.

Fav 18 7521 2328
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

Wait until you see the roof.

Fav 34 4830 1847
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you

Fav 8 3988 934
share tweet
(415): View more from California

I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"

Fav 11 8458 1524
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.

Fav 48 5045 1285
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.

Fav 36 9286 1420
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks

Fav 20 6340 867
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

She's allergic to latex.

(678): View more from Georgia

Lucky bastard.

Fav 30 6120 1885
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.

Fav 91 2369 10205
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.

Fav 7 3097 871
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend

(301): View more from Maryland

1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps

Fav 29 4128 1095
share tweet
(951): View more from California

Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?

(949): View more from California

Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.

Fav 29 1415 4243
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Why did you send me a picture of a dick?

(630): View more from Illinois

It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.

Fav 15 1035 1721
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??

(1-404): View more from Georgia

no.

Fav 21 6771 1047
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.

Fav 26 6589 1480
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.

Fav 26 11696 1179
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

i think the cat found all the blow we lost...

Fav 31 1758 5927
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?

(1-815): View more from Illinois

You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.

Fav 16 1851 969
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

I should injure you considerably.

Fav 86 4407 1896
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink

Fav 9 8476 1639
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

Fav 185 53788 3105
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase

Fav 25 9704 1476
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.

Fav 18 1600 3195
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!

(1-903): View more from Texas

What does that even mean?

Fav 30 1567 5504
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"

(314): View more from Missouri

You fucking left with him didn't you?!

Fav 33 1977 4280
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.

Fav 9 1008 1527
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.

Fav 20 6109 1188
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room

Fav 12 4669 1370
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.

Fav 26 10543 1105
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes

(1-260): View more from Indiana

Are your eyes okay

(260): View more from Indiana

I mean if I was Asian they would be

Fav 8 2673 1045
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!

(615): View more from Tennessee

I don't wanna die...

Fav 10 7155 1591
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.

(1-513): View more from Ohio

She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.

(513): View more from Ohio

She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.

Fav 35 1780 5298
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.

Fav 22 2196 11020
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture

(1-336): View more from North Carolina

Glad to see your being a lady about this

Fav 50 9907 1689
share tweet
(831): View more from California

I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.

Fav 41 4742 2936
share tweet
(831): View more from California

I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.

Fav 15 9304 1177
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.

Fav 20 2122 5693
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?

Fav 90 1786 3889
share tweet
(650): View more from California

There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.

(650): View more from California

I tried to assassinate the ginger baby

Fav 28 2197 1262
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS

Fav 97 2038 8024
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first

(206): View more from Washington

You are the luckiest man alive

Fav 16 11135 2014
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood

Fav 22 5560 1911
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.

Fav 22 6942 822
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.

Fav 43 6612 1346
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.

Fav 50 1148 4945
share tweet
(650): View more from California

my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah

(415): View more from California

and she bought it?!?

(650): View more from California

yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes

Fav 28 8640 1084
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!

Fav 9 6601 1429
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?

Fav 7 976 2587
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"

Fav 5 1032 3817
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.

Fav 8 2417 990
share tweet
(760): View more from California

Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.

(912): View more from Georgia

What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?

(760): View more from California

I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.

Fav 26 5006 1109
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave

(617): View more from Massachusetts

dude are you serious?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

I know you already have a pic on your phone

Fav 95 2936 3503
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee

Fav 20 8977 1505
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...

Fav 12 7173 1726
share tweet
(209): View more from California

I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.

Fav 25 8093 1363
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...

Fav 43 3570 7139
share tweet
(415): View more from California

This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.

Fav 15 1236 7299
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?

Fav 38 5495 1316
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies

(815): View more from Illinois

Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.

Fav 13 1216 2125
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.

Fav 13 4528 968
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.

Fav 40 9191 1028
share tweet
(650): View more from California

im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.

Fav 13 4596 1079
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her

Fav 14 1788 5803
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.

Fav 30 10027 1601
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.

Fav 47 9180 2542
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"

Fav 29 1468 8828
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.

Fav 28 6349 1291
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.

Fav 11 4113 2354
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I'm full of awesome ideas

(972): View more from Texas

Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...

Fav 20 4901 1572
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.

Fav 9 1591 5461
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....

Fav 13 1150 4809
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.

Fav 16 2577 7138
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes

Fav 21 8144 1694
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

we've started having sober sex

(203): View more from Connecticut

you really do like him

Fav 19 9225 1343
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.

Fav 24 9762 1464
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?

Fav 19 4921 2612
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.

Fav 54 10179 1808
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.

Fav 13 5323 1532
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.

Fav 90 7485 2054
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.

Fav 6 4742 1031
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.

Fav 32 4505 1707
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."

Fav 8 6025 1317
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky

Fav 26 4755 2289
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.

Fav 18 2323 6636
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later

Fav 19 8944 1290
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.

Fav 18 8469 1464
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.

Fav 63 7110 2490
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water

Fav 14 5747 1487
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though

Fav 10 1879 4673
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.

Fav 44 13895 1616
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?

Fav 22 5532 1660
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on

Fav 12 3982 2228
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.

Fav 8 4693 1352
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.

Fav 19 11123 1678
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.

Fav 34 6397 3406
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.

Fav 29 1766 5429
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

It's shedding

(1-912): View more from Georgia

I told you penises don't tan

Fav 43 1767 10627
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.

Fav 15 1754 3900
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.

Fav 21 5484 2202
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.

Fav 19 1476 6874
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves

Fav 20 6431 1623
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.

Fav 32 10090 2435
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.

Fav 9 5002 1128
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen

Fav 9 1613 5584
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.

Fav 12 6290 2014
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.

Fav 17 5274 1523
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.

Fav 19 7614 1503
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings

Fav 13 3323 5245
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.

Fav 17 4896 1382
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.

Fav 16 6289 1358
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.

Fav 3 3250 933
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.

(608): View more from Wisconsin

Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.

Fav 18 1509 2913
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon

Fav 21 5073 797
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.

Fav 13 4431 1173
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.

(1-312): View more from Illinois

None of that is ok.

Fav 38 5965 4205
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.

Fav 19 1869 5124
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?

Fav 29 5075 2555
share tweet
(415): View more from California

shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.

Fav 3 1070 1217
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.

(1-619): View more from California

i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!

Fav 9 1982 846
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.

(1-781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.

Fav 19 6470 966
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit

Fav 51 2755 14321
share tweet
(714): View more from California

You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"

Fav 9 1648 4430
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???

Fav 41 959 3631
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

Fav 33 13419 2006
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.

Fav 11 1305 4646
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.

Fav 13 4042 1533
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.

Fav 26 9529 1592
share tweet
(916): View more from California

Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?

Fav 15 7066 1936
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one

Fav 12 4304 1798
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?

(253): View more from Washington

Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.

Fav 21 1449 866
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.

Fav 33 1373 8776
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am

Fav 3 3567 1484
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...

Fav 16 10264 1487
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.

Fav 14 6903 1392
share tweet
(949): View more from California

I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.

Fav 13 7350 1348
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

You suck.

Fav 41 1118 3669
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.

Fav 59 8484 1371
share tweet
(626): View more from California

Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.

Fav 24 18757 1368
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.

Fav 15 1725 7290
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool

(386): View more from Florida

It could be our claim to fame

(904): View more from Florida

Done. I'll pack a cooler.

Fav 10 3950 1204
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.

Fav 28 9589 1392
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

that would be two times in a week with two different guys.

(913): View more from Kansas

they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?

Fav 21 4458 1437
share tweet
(530): View more from California

you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"

Fav 7 5262 1355
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.

Fav 30 9847 1348
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one

Fav 23 1328 11736
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on

Fav 7 4686 1304
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.

Fav 23 5663 1523
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.

Fav 7 5751 1597
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.

Fav 13 9123 1338
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them

Fav 14 2803 6823
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird

Fav 11 6583 1907
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock

(347): View more from New York

I THOUGHT I SAW YOU

Fav 27 14206 2603
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

Fav 41 39279 2240
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable

Fav 17 6786 1651
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.

Fav 8 5117 1620
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.

Fav 8 3935 1238
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"

Fav 56 1362 5386
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.

Fav 29 2350 7210
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.

Fav 83 3101 8676
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.

Fav 16 6133 1354
share tweet
(858): View more from California

Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it

Fav 16 5718 1352
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy

Fav 36 4378 1311
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth

Fav 47 1611 6037
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.

Fav 14 1612 5860
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'

Fav 9 6871 1325
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.

Fav 53 2432 14342
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.

Fav 26 18310 1757
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.

Fav 11 7160 1535
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.

Fav 9 7415 1611
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.

Fav 39 8879 1602
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.

Fav 18 5185 2378
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?

Fav 24 6202 2816
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.

(607): View more from New York

Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.

Fav 7 6223 1375
share tweet
(619): View more from California

there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly

Fav 6 1145 3931
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.

Fav 16 6850 1369
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

(301): View more from Maryland

OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

(518): View more from New York

Doritoesssssss

Fav 41 13894 1844
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"

Fav 27 1957 5007
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you

Fav 7 4305 1472
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now

Fav 45 1707 8379
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine

Fav 30 3344 5376
share tweet
(415): View more from California

The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.

Fav 20 4258 933
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Wait, how do girls masturbate?

(1-925): View more from California

I dunno we use shower heads I guess.

(925): View more from California

..how does it fit?

Fav 85 2409 6181
share tweet
(909): View more from California

I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.

Fav 10 972 4417
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won

Fav 30 13942 1497
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.

Fav 17 2083 2781
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.

Fav 16 3998 1664
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity

Fav 67 12420 1589
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"

Fav 40 1045 5203
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything

Fav 14 4649 1086
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.

Fav 44 2281 7315
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low

Fav 24 1068 4571
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.

Fav 15 1808 752
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'

(586): View more from Michigan

I thought that was really considerate

Fav 3 2899 1061
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.

Fav 6 5746 1040
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.

Fav 18 5751 1502
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.

(812): View more from Indiana

and...?

(936): View more from Texas

I told him it was alright.

Fav 28 4330 6051
share tweet
(560): View more from

I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?

Fav 71 1577 22073
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.

Fav 31 1306 7918
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?

Fav 22 2105 4274
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.

Fav 4 2737 927
share tweet
(650): View more from California

oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'

Fav 5 1298 829
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.

Fav 17 4008 1340
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

You went to church with your boobs hanging out?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.

Fav 22 7271 1490
share tweet
(949): View more from California

I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.

Fav 24 5683 943
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"

Fav 36 1642 4565
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now

Fav 21 1109 2870
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg

(410): View more from Maryland

Omg suz!! take the unibrow off

(516): View more from New York

No! im just getting hammered instead

Fav 12 2946 740
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.

Fav 20 10280 2242
share tweet
(+49): View more from Germany

Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face

Fav 26 12364 2515
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?

Fav 4 2226 5501
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

Yeah, but four times?

Fav 30 7824 2372
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.

Fav 63 1361 5538
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit

(303): View more from Colorado

I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex

Fav 8 2872 1040
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high

Fav 69 3927 1097
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?

Fav 23 927 2203
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"

Fav 49 4926 1173
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.

(630): View more from Illinois

if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.

Fav 6 1647 1833
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem

Fav 25 5997 2656
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Bea Arthur died yesterday

(240): View more from Maryland

You shut your stupid mouth

(301): View more from Maryland

Betty White is next, I just know it.

(240): View more from Maryland

Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.

Fav 21 1553 940
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..

Fav 9 4601 1540
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina

Fav 80 5635 1434
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.

Fav 21 819 3801
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened

Fav 11 5163 1692
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.

Fav 23 1845 5198
share tweet
(310): View more from California

i fucked a milf yesterday.

(619): View more from California

i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.

Fav 28 14080 2295
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

Fav 13 9193 1748
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.

Fav 11 6794 1635
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better

Fav 19 5918 1533
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..

(313): View more from Michigan

I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..

Fav 18 1249 4876
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy

Fav 25 1077 5317
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.

Fav 21 6550 1088
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.

Fav 24 4965 1232
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.

(513): View more from Ohio

and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.

Fav 21 5832 1388
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.

Fav 17 4551 895
share tweet
(650): View more from California

PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?

(773): View more from Illinois

No - puma.

Fav 8 1988 766
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.

Fav 15 5983 1369
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

my dad is going to jail this weekend

(1-602): View more from Arizona

where are we going to get our weed from?

Fav 22 2545 6839
share tweet
(760): View more from California

I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass

Fav 29 6247 1471
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.

Fav 50 7087 1199
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

What are you wearing to our high school reunion?

(678): View more from Georgia

I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"

Fav 27 4753 809
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack

Fav 32 1678 5085
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.

(951): View more from California

sound pretty economical

Fav 11 3333 866
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.

Fav 8 1683 835
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?

Fav 15 924 3576
share tweet
(510): View more from California

one might say we're banned from that church

Fav 5 4242 989
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

Is this the I'm gay speech?

Fav 2 2324 940
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I need hand sanitizer and jesus.

Fav 15 2290 2987
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar

Fav 21 8882 1330
share tweet
(478): View more from Georgia

I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell

Fav 29 6692 1001
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.

Fav 23 4101 1069
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)

Fav 7 815 2308
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.

Fav 90 2152 13335
share tweet
(530): View more from California

I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.

(1-530): View more from California

fuck. you.

Fav 54 12763 2275
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love

Fav 12 5597 1640
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?

Fav 26 1572 6311
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

Fav 280 55477 5262
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.

Fav 13 3053 771
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.

Fav 10 5305 1231
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.

(1-815): View more from Illinois

you need to get laid.. and an oil change.

Fav 18 2081 5351
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

and?

(609): View more from New Jersey

RIP clitoris

Fav 599 6025 103457
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?

(770): View more from Georgia

I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle

Fav 32 3953 1036
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

Dude, if you don't take her, I will.

Fav 34 7283 1659
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.

Fav 12 5114 1451
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.

Fav 43 4984 1466
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.

Fav 89 11782 1102
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.

(201): View more from New Jersey

Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....

Fav 18 6283 2477
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?

Fav 26 4375 1172
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.

Fav 14 5601 950
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

i can juggle bunnies

(1-802): View more from Vermont

cool

(802): View more from Vermont

on fire

Fav 11 3487 1251
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

I'm sorry my penis didn't work

Fav 10 1095 2626
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.

Fav 13 3609 2188
share tweet
(714): View more from California

i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock

Fav 14 6582 1640
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe

Fav 10 1515 4415
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.

Fav 30 7600 1593
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Good morning to you

Fav 12 5360 2648
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

Fav 51 17094 1832
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

Fav 106 39927 2449
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.

Fav 43 1091 4233
share tweet
(021): View more from

Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.

Fav 49 841 6960
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.

Fav 25 2774 1152
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

just do him I won't tell jon

(1-269): View more from Michigan

um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore

Fav 7 1246 2936
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.

Fav 13 897 4754
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...

Fav 25 1592 4313
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy

Fav 10 1130 1589
share tweet
(951): View more from California

my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.

Fav 21 4711 1445
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.

Fav 24 5793 1394
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...

Fav 47 14514 1883
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"

Fav 16 5459 1729
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.

(1-207): View more from Maine

I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...

Fav 96 3924 1182
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.

Fav 14 2297 906
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.

Fav 15 1812 4762
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..

Fav 32 2304 5323
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.

Fav 19 6388 2064
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing

(248): View more from Michigan

Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa

Fav 12 1744 973
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.

(1-313): View more from Michigan

I would love to give you more rug burn

Fav 5 2481 757
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome

Fav 37 9292 1489
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.

Fav 6 9304 1557
share tweet
(754): View more from Florida

you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.

Fav 16 4747 1468
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer

Fav 16 5913 1312
share tweet
(650): View more from California

barbara walters just said penis...

Fav 10 3064 1139
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party

Fav 30 6277 1380
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere

Fav 58 15272 1766
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes

Fav 32 5913 1448
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

so today I found out that she used to be a he....

(1-931): View more from Tennessee

are you gonna get a divorce?

Fav 86 1368 17571
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time

Fav 13 8046 1484
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?

Fav 12 6199 1212
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.

(478): View more from Georgia

I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.

Fav 28 6243 1625
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.

(623): View more from Arizona

Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.

Fav 36 4956 936
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.

Fav 38 8361 1415
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.

Fav 166 29082 3216
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)

(1-775): View more from Nevada

Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.

Fav 14 5174 1024
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking

Fav 14 999 2436
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.

Fav 6 963 1800
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.

(601): View more from Mississippi

Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly

(901): View more from Tennessee

...are you coming on to me?

Fav 12 3727 1054
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.

Fav 30 1821 3510
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you

Fav 4 4750 1065
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"

Fav 10 2317 1156
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.

Fav 17 4397 2532
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.

Fav 63 3703 1572
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics

Fav 28 973 3980
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.

Fav 18 4707 1066
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.

Fav 24 5935 1908
share tweet
(786): View more from Florida

All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"

Fav 49 9756 1599
share tweet
(432): View more from Texas

From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention

Fav 26 6519 1039
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening

Fav 12 7488 928
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend

(1-727): View more from Florida

Awkward

Fav 13 961 3454
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.

Fav 34 1417 2962
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.

Fav 15 1837 5326
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza

Fav 31 1296 5512
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.

Fav 19 6150 1061
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.

Fav 48 1404 4618
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.

(1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

Girl's gotta have her standards.

Fav 7 1456 2167
share tweet
(+32): View more from Belgium

guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for

Fav 16 5617 1393
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you

Fav 16 1298 1252
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.

Fav 12 5483 1400
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.

Fav 43 1041 6707
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant

(617): View more from Massachusetts

then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.

Fav 6 1192 4031
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.

Fav 64 10209 1362
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?

Fav 10 4914 1221
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did he notice?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..

Fav 83 2181 10532
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

HOT DATE.

Fav 11 4012 1758
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential

Fav 5 3411 1266
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything

Fav 5 5259 1447
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it

Fav 10 4945 1711
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.

Fav 33 2062 5171
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Whoa, Gary Coleman died

(224): View more from Illinois

Whatchu talkin bout?!?!

(847): View more from Illinois

Too soon.

Fav 49 7447 2222
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

Fav 101 35342 4428
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta

Fav 21 4817 1521
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband

(404): View more from Georgia

did it work?

(678): View more from Georgia

nope

Fav 44 972 2412
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though

Fav 19 6357 1401
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"

Fav 21 6970 1166
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.

Fav 18 5012 955
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I woke up on my floor...

(1-516): View more from New York

I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...

Fav 12 4173 995
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.

Fav 62 2474 1360
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5

(201): View more from New Jersey

thats barely a game just flip a coin

(954): View more from Florida

should we drink on heads or tails?

Fav 18 2986 798
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.

(713): View more from Texas

I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Texas should really raise its teaching standards.

Fav 24 3427 901
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow

Fav 4 1605 759
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?

(323): View more from California

Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her

Fav 3 1496 746
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.

Fav 8 5958 1565
share tweet
(949): View more from California

so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.

Fav 37 5647 1101
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww

Fav 109 1777 33302
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.

Fav 42 6287 1722
share tweet
(530): View more from California

you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.

Fav 27 5367 2689
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it

Fav 37 2531 5442
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !

(1-716): View more from New York

How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'

Fav 48 9947 1397
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes

(586): View more from Michigan

I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition

Fav 7 1986 875
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.

Fav 42 20811 1556
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US

(703): View more from Virginia

It's the American dream

Fav 31 4593 1170
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.

Fav 58 2820 5385
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.

Fav 21 2160 6800
share tweet
(714): View more from California

after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles

Fav 13 5975 1173
share tweet
(510): View more from California

come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.

Fav 18 6134 1199
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer

Fav 39 3102 957
share tweet
(650): View more from California

Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)

Fav 40 2127 4439
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeeah thank god

(816): View more from Missouri

Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.

Fav 55 2544 16037
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.

Fav 99 4164 9543
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing

(1-301): View more from Maryland

that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome

(301): View more from Maryland

we agree. completely

Fav 31 8789 835
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin

Fav 52 1136 3529
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

dollar beers will do that to you.

Fav 26 2929 851
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."

Fav 130 2411 832
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.

Fav 20 7120 1548
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you

(1-636): View more from Missouri

when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced

Fav 5 2126 1299
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

A simple 'no' would have sufficed

Fav 14 2286 5983
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.

Fav 35 6064 1880
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.

Fav 13 2996 856
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.

Fav 17 4079 1053
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.

Fav 1 1343 1405
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.

Fav 20 2246 5083
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I don't know where my bra went.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.

Fav 22 8303 1421
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.

Fav 16 8143 1343
share tweet
(925): View more from California

no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.

Fav 13 5949 886
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.

Fav 35 2109 5704
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?

Fav 16 1051 4677
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.

Fav 65 1161 17219
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.

Fav 15 10193 1426
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.

Fav 67 8631 2806
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.

Fav 12 6175 1636
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen

Fav 17 6011 1377
share tweet
(818): View more from California

apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"

Fav 20 6977 2836
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

You should've just screamed yes we can!

Fav 52 9480 2015
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.

Fav 37 1445 5722
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.

Fav 23 7095 1851
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.

Fav 50 6981 1752
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.

Fav 12 5680 1323
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches

Fav 25 4036 1047
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.

Fav 39 7824 1478
share tweet
(323): View more from California

You got in a fight last night?

(818): View more from California

Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

(323): View more from California

Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

Fav 132 9136 24696
share tweet
(345): View more from Cayman Islands

so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper

(574): View more from Indiana

well at least shes not calling you fat anymore

Fav 21 6123 1300
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis

Fav 82 11649 2013
share tweet
(619): View more from California

my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.

Fav 35 8828 2332
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.

Fav 12 997 1546
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

Fav 45 15495 2361
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.

Fav 25 5952 1123
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

Fav 83 35243 2056
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.

Fav 6 1059 4140
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed

Fav 25 11126 1790
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.

Fav 71 8428 2042
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.

Fav 81 8707 1367
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.

Fav 16 7697 1331
share tweet
(925): View more from California

So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.

Fav 19 2602 3703
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.

(740): View more from Ohio

i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..

Fav 37 5607 1446
share tweet
(530): View more from California

So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant

Fav 17 3584 995
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.

Fav 13 7062 1489
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.

Fav 39 1599 7002
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky

Fav 22 9146 1731
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it

Fav 10 3707 1283
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.

Fav 14 6055 1703
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

you'll never guess what i found when i got home...

(928): View more from Arizona

a cake, in the toilet

Fav 25 6046 1526
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder

Fav 10 3809 1156
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up

Fav 22 5713 3063
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.

Fav 16 8862 1347
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.

Fav 18 4284 1318
share tweet
(818): View more from California

We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier

Fav 25 4390 995
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

she was so not down for the gang bang

Fav 4 1028 1681
share tweet
(323): View more from California

my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.

Fav 9 1065 4040
share tweet
(408): View more from California

Maybe my heart is located in my vagina

Fav 18 5731 1586
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.

Fav 16 8001 1779
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.

(818): View more from California

Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.

(818): View more from California

And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.

Fav 14 3735 907
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.

Fav 43 1649 7351
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

I don't want it.

Fav 36 1459 8205
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said

Fav 21 5005 1498
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh yea! I was just doing that too!

Fav 10 1217 2661
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.

Fav 30 5248 1128
share tweet
(650): View more from California

the ice cream truck is coming omgomg

(1-650): View more from California

dude, it's 2 am.

(650): View more from California

but its COMING

Fav 63 8693 1105
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

Fav 82 27581 2040
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

How did you manage that?

(860): View more from Connecticut

Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis

(203): View more from Connecticut

lol... jersey girls rock

Fav 66 1357 3228
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.

Fav 800 8599 112720
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....

Fav 16 5732 1573
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Too many margaritas?

Fav 9 4415 1355
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.

Fav 21 6060 1466
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"

(231): View more from Michigan

OMG its one we used last night

Fav 19 1436 9651
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.

Fav 23 10266 2750
share tweet
(951): View more from California

So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.

Fav 22 7396 1982
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived

Fav 31 5636 931
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.

Fav 14 1693 6154
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes

Fav 55 1001 5988
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening

(508): View more from Massachusetts

yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night

Fav 45 5823 936
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.

Fav 28 1553 10166
share tweet
(818): View more from California

to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people

Fav 23 4118 1068
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.

(708): View more from Illinois

May it rest in peace.

Fav 17 4944 1779
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.

Fav 10 1344 4792
share tweet
(714): View more from California

You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that

Fav 13 5051 1626
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

so how was last night?

(1-586): View more from Michigan

got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.

Fav 21 10831 1617
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.

Fav 8 5040 1419
share tweet
(323): View more from California

Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.

Fav 10 4402 1123
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her

Fav 22 1379 8652
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.

Fav 6 1246 2883
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.

Fav 17 1157 4377
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.

Fav 4 6455 1344
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness

Fav 21 6037 1176
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

Fav 45 26629 1762
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.

Fav 14 5366 1529
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...

Fav 50 3536 6171
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?

Fav 20 1428 7915
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.

Fav 140 2237 38908
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.

Fav 13 9050 1234
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!

(616): View more from Michigan

you srsly need to quit going to that bar

Fav 25 1799 904
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)

Fav 36 11146 1339
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

what?

(479): View more from Arkansas

your penis

Fav 11 1825 4192
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.

(214): View more from Texas

so how much did i say i owed you?

(972): View more from Texas

$5 and a new fuck buddy.

Fav 21 3623 1069
share tweet
(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

Fav 304 104252 6832
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.

Fav 9 3239 1090
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?

Fav 11 7217 1577
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.

Fav 83 18221 2405
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference

Fav 4 1681 1129
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Just got to costco. Where are you?

(602): View more from Arizona

Liquor aisle, bring another cart.

Fav 33 16033 1367
share tweet