Texts From Last Night · FunkyShit's Favorites

Sorry l4o2l0 hasn't picked any favorites yet.

FunkyShit's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(816): View more from Missouri

That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

Fav 68 13490 2856
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

Fav 55 27831 2975
share tweet

(503): View more from Oregon

I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.

Fav 23 7650 1477
share tweet
(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

Fav 65 21687 2539
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo

Fav 36 6473 1586
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.

Fav 15 5271 1474
share tweet

(651): View more from Minnesota

News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.

Fav 7 5128 915
share tweet

(404): View more from Georgia

standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.

Fav 36 13080 1461
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher

Fav 32 1087 2690
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."

Fav 15 2588 1119
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.

Fav 31 11103 1630
share tweet

(604): View more from British Columbia

Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.

Fav 20 5890 1510
share tweet

(541): View more from Oregon

I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?

Fav 11 4166 1917
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night

Fav 28 5384 1375
share tweet

(337): View more from Louisiana

i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.

Fav 169 2253 21069
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.

Fav 6 2792 927
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket

(212): View more from New York

Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......

(212): View more from New York

Really

(941): View more from Florida

You win

Fav 4 2977 1033
share tweet
(530): View more from California

shit pants at work. discarded underwear.

(1-530): View more from California

just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?

(530): View more from California

yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.

Fav 44 1335 5366
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?

Fav 18 1207 5463
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.

Fav 40 14774 2009
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!

Fav 28 6892 1900
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year

Fav 23 6324 1561
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.

Fav 10 7461 1682
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility

Fav 11 3656 1343
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.

Fav 9 1654 4772
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.

Fav 16 6773 1329
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.

Fav 36 8704 1647
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

that's what penises do

(254): View more from Texas

they tell lies.

Fav 14 5053 1732
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.

Fav 24 5230 1351
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter

Fav 5 4011 1190
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away

Fav 11 5693 1455
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

Fav 39 16948 1859
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....

Fav 10 6229 1478
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

Fav 28 7249 1801
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"

Fav 12 5861 1606
share tweet
(786): View more from Florida

He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."

Fav 17 8042 1624
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.

Fav 16 1446 3473
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.

Fav 18 7047 1558
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

she pinky promised me she was 18

Fav 67 8414 3479
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.

Fav 29 4737 1447
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking

Fav 18 4850 1765
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during

Fav 21 3714 881
share tweet
(415): View more from California

i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian

Fav 8 2229 1190
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.

Fav 15 3053 927
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love

Fav 35 13006 1661
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."

Fav 11 1809 4666
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake

Fav 42 9235 1807
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!

Fav 3 4410 1489
share tweet
(818): View more from California

he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror

Fav 14 6600 2077
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.

Fav 15 4896 1633
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you

Fav 30 14251 1358
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.

Fav 69 1668 5758
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.

(480): View more from Arizona

What will that accomplish?

(602): View more from Arizona

It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.

Fav 23 8641 1945
share tweet
(562): View more from California

cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi

Fav 28 4892 2182
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"

Fav 12 5936 1564
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"

Fav 8 3918 1301
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.

(816): View more from Missouri

..So we should take it off Youtube?

Fav 28 11681 2190
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed

Fav 26 4681 1607
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.

Fav 17 7418 2164
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.

Fav 44 5592 1670
share tweet
(310): View more from California

It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations

Fav 19 8761 1468
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike

(303): View more from Colorado

you still have morals?

(443): View more from Maryland

Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole

Fav 46 10200 1912
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH

Fav 12 4405 1295
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii

Fav 22 9593 1845
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.

Fav 22 4797 1352
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.

Fav 10 1309 3983
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'

Fav 20 6217 1895
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.

Fav 30 9547 1509
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"

Fav 44 8808 1897
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"

Fav 14 4774 1661
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.

Fav 13 1575 3457
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

should my penis look like a turkey

Fav 18 1159 5609
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm pregnant just thinking about him.

Fav 34 3668 4724
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand

Fav 21 3797 1408
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.

Fav 46 2363 5746
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Me and my dog bond so much when im high.

Fav 66 7704 1148
share tweet
(339): View more from Massachusetts

That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore

Fav 1 2227 1006
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.

Fav 14 5381 1684
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.

Fav 23 1944 1568
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.

Fav 5 815 2804
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.

Fav 22 6507 1693
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.

Fav 28 8449 1580
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"

Fav 15 4955 1834
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever

Fav 86 3623 15828
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.

Fav 9 5421 1452
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

Fav 51 17987 2071
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you

Fav 13 5834 1502
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown

Fav 14 3472 2263
share tweet
(925): View more from California

don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement

(510): View more from California

big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.

Fav 11 6998 1567
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind

(1-330): View more from Ohio

Well it worked

(330): View more from Ohio

Not the point

Fav 21 6469 1366
share tweet
(951): View more from California

My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now

Fav 13 4795 1902
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already

Fav 10 2839 3177
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?

Fav 10 4973 1292
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.

Fav 11 6027 1284
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.

Fav 14 5947 2418
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward

Fav 9 3736 1328
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.

Fav 11 4830 1302
share tweet
(626): View more from California

Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.

Fav 7 4509 1911
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.

Fav 5 5027 1203
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I honestly don't know what to make of that.

(423): View more from Tennessee

A ham sandwich would be nice.

Fav 16 8167 1578
share tweet
(916): View more from California

my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

Fav 44 17642 1904
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch

Fav 11 4008 1641
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"

Fav 22 14907 1829
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me

Fav 9 7904 1681
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind

Fav 23 4549 1079
share tweet
(562): View more from California

In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...

Fav 23 7118 1811
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.

Fav 26 8583 1997
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.

Fav 31 9360 1966
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.

Fav 46 5905 2414
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch

(636): View more from Missouri

Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?

(573): View more from Missouri

IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation

Fav 29 7466 2731
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt

Fav 25 12703 1830
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth

Fav 10 798 3657
share tweet
(1-917): View more from New York City

you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...

(917): View more from New York City

oh thats it?

Fav 7 4876 846
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.

Fav 21 5776 1517
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad

Fav 21 1834 1126
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.

Fav 37 3132 756
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?

Fav 106 7124 1283
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.

(1-914): View more from New York

That's cute.

Fav 27 1439 2684
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.

Fav 29 6824 1096
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.

Fav 17 5052 1025
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?

Fav 154 12238 2542
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?

Fav 69 2170 26615
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.

Fav 9 7435 1377
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

ru fi oooo

Fav 71 5508 990
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.

Fav 19 9503 1635
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.

Fav 12 8224 1409
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.

Fav 39 5745 1040
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.

Fav 18 7084 2255
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.

Fav 28 6483 1388
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?

Fav 37 9192 3481
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"

Fav 41 3249 10008
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

Fav 185 53791 3106
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."

Fav 18 5503 1675
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase

Fav 25 9705 1476
share tweet
(415): View more from California

I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"

Fav 11 8459 1524
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen

Fav 9 1613 5584
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.

Fav 14 1171 4032
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.

(760): View more from California

Wow.

Fav 16 4557 1802
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag

Fav 34 1967 5621
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

Fav 33 13419 2008
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.

Fav 38 7493 936
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...

Fav 16 10264 1489
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.

Fav 29 2350 7211
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.

(607): View more from New York

Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.

Fav 7 6225 1376
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"

Fav 27 1957 5008
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.

Fav 13 6333 1900
share tweet
(714): View more from California

i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock

Fav 14 6582 1640
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.

(309): View more from Illinois

so finals studying is going well?

Fav 13 7827 1521
share tweet
(310): View more from California

i fucked a milf yesterday.

(619): View more from California

i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.

Fav 28 14084 2295
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

Fav 13 9195 1751
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

go do what you do best...puke behind churches

Fav 9 1351 793
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.

Fav 7 5207 1410
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer

Fav 16 5914 1312
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta

Fav 21 4818 1522
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.

Fav 17 10143 1737
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.

Fav 5 4310 1382
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Whoa, Gary Coleman died

(224): View more from Illinois

Whatchu talkin bout?!?!

(847): View more from Illinois

Too soon.

Fav 49 7447 2223
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

Fav 101 35346 4429
share tweet
(805): View more from California

Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"

Fav 41 8703 1862
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

How was the bike ride?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.

Fav 21 9074 1568
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive

Fav 31 6228 1728
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.

Fav 34 3541 1034
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner

(617): View more from Massachusetts

you want to re-phrase that?

Fav 11 4190 1218
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.

(407): View more from Florida

i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.

Fav 32 11085 1168
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something

Fav 35 6127 2238
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.

Fav 24 4395 1171
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...

Fav 1 1614 684
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

Fav 28 17228 1871
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.

Fav 67 8632 2809
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen

Fav 17 6013 1377
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends

(336): View more from North Carolina

I know, I was there.

Fav 1 2092 996
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.

Fav 27 12036 1261
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.

Fav 14 4110 866
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

Fav 45 15495 2362
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper

Fav 89 10419 2116
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

what does that even mean?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.

Fav 36 5811 982
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)

Fav 6 5179 1286
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"

(1-205): View more from Alabama

if you ask that question again our friendship is over

Fav 19 4078 1086
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

omg no way im finding him!

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.

Fav 114 2233 9527
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.

Fav 15 1213 2968
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

Fav 61 28047 1881
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

Fav 30 13126 1908
share tweet
(714): View more from California

You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that

Fav 13 5051 1626
share tweet
(228): View more from Mississippi

Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!

(1-228): View more from Mississippi

brownberry?

Fav 19 1581 6249
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.

Fav 7 1016 3034
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?

Fav 11 7217 1578
share tweet
(408): View more from California

They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.

Fav 21 8408 1736
share tweet
(562): View more from California

Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.

Fav 14 1089 3693
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

I used to practice getting hit by cars.

Fav 23 2562 3762
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit

Fav 12 10082 1551
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

Fav 62 20367 2184
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain

Fav 10 4464 1606
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.

Fav 22 8825 1486
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs

Fav 26 6803 1887
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!

Fav 9 6601 1431
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.

Fav 56 14264 1990
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?

Fav 56 7377 2497
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now

Fav 22 7499 1350
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)

Fav 21 6359 1960
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy

Fav 51 8769 2031
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja

Fav 30 7871 1631
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

this study room smells like vodka

(310): View more from California

the study room thinks the same about you

Fav 16 6685 1406
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.

Fav 27 7690 1337
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.

Fav 43 1626 9567
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.

(1-813): View more from Florida

I ordered a moonbounce.

(813): View more from Florida

Fuck, you win.

Fav 39 10953 1545
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.

Fav 8 5233 1092
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.

Fav 30 7446 1465
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals

Fav 33 9211 1724
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."

(423): View more from Tennessee

Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.

Fav 24 10050 1752
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?

Fav 12 6416 2120
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..

(1-619): View more from California

I am not bailing you of of jail

Fav 19 6755 1631
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.

Fav 8 1148 5501
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.

Fav 56 1744 7162
share tweet
(408): View more from California

i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both

(650): View more from California

i think otters can do that

Fav 18 3637 911
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.

Fav 13 5536 1680
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.

Fav 26 11656 1541
share tweet
(308): View more from Nebraska

i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .

Fav 17 8561 1537
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.

Fav 12 5082 1445
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...

Fav 12 4636 1363
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

i may or may not be watching the land before time

Fav 40 7601 1180
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit

(303): View more from Colorado

I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex

Fav 8 2873 1040
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.

Fav 10 6533 1129
share tweet
(650): View more from California

This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"

Fav 12 6922 1249
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."

Fav 17 3133 1141
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.

Fav 37 16062 1753
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.

Fav 24 7688 1320
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"

Fav 19 5998 1586
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.

Fav 17 4427 1287
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.

Fav 20 8271 1583
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.

Fav 30 16450 2140
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.

Fav 38 6663 2360
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"

Fav 12 11088 1303
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon

(1-503): View more from Oregon

all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis

Fav 26 5245 1164
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.

Fav 47 5875 1733
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...

Fav 47 8652 1378
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

im gay

(203): View more from Connecticut

i know

(914): View more from New York

yea but for you.

Fav 20 2585 3436
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal

Fav 21 8451 1473
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.

Fav 13 8092 1409
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.

Fav 26 1980 7975
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

i dont even know how to be here

Fav 34 5918 1910
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave

Fav 36 7867 1249
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I have a critically important question to ask.

(519): View more from Ontario

Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?

Fav 43 5640 1715
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.

Fav 18 5432 1231
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

Fav 46 20097 2061
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Thanks for getting me home last night.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.

Fav 29 9481 1524
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard

Fav 28 1011 4188
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf

Fav 28 4521 1869
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.

Fav 39 9659 1645
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.

Fav 29 9814 1964
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.

Fav 9 995 1193
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.

Fav 38 6624 1038
share tweet
(619): View more from California

The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.

Fav 11 5174 2164
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.

Fav 8 6361 1484
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!

Fav 21 4756 1239
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.

Fav 12 9251 1998
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

You make your fellow Jews happy.

Fav 16 6765 1431
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

What are you drinking?

(404): View more from Georgia

Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL

Fav 54 1947 2988
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.

Fav 13 7532 1548
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"

Fav 16 8176 1433
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I am the drunkest girl in the tree.

Fav 15 10923 1450
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend

Fav 16 1319 3561
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way

Fav 20 10923 1641
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006

Fav 4 1456 1036
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.

Fav 11 1538 5442
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.

Fav 10 7147 2110
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

We should party with her soon

Fav 17 8918 1555
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.

Fav 43 1962 4396
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.

Fav 40 5768 1871
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.

Fav 20 11118 1676
share tweet
(858): View more from California

I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.

Fav 26 15522 1466
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.

(786): View more from Florida

How high are you right now..

(305): View more from Florida

I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.

Fav 29 10885 1595
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.

Fav 26 4926 1704
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.

Fav 27 8127 1271
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.

Fav 13 6244 1299
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy

Fav 3 1818 833
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Woah.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

that's not how you spell hell yes.

Fav 56 7969 1742
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message

Fav 9 6007 1390
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.

Fav 12 948 3535
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different

Fav 2 1930 836
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt

Fav 35 3758 7145
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way

Fav 22 9611 1590
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

My bottle opener just broke off in the cork

(248): View more from Michigan

They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts

Fav 5 1035 1326
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?

Fav 111 12910 1902
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"

(305): View more from Florida

does that mean he doesn't last long?

Fav 10 1113 3921
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

Fav 106 39928 2450
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?

(828): View more from North Carolina

how high are you?

Fav 59 12918 2205
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"

Fav 33 13804 1900
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.

Fav 14 9692 1433
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?

Fav 29 4567 1416
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?

Fav 23 5465 2509
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL

Fav 56 1896 6424
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.

Fav 29 1870 2238
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

Fav 510 88715 9690
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.

Fav 16 9672 1499
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...

(303): View more from Colorado

Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?

Fav 16 5869 1522
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top

Fav 257 8835 2811
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."

Fav 19 9772 1360
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.

Fav 17 3135 3957
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met

(1-319): View more from Iowa

thanks it was an honor just to be nominated

Fav 37 11360 1371
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.

Fav 21 6551 1089
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.

Fav 40 1048 3814
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"

(1-312): View more from Illinois

go get him tiger.

Fav 17 5250 1308
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures

Fav 39 15167 1579
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?

Fav 43 9640 2747
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.

Fav 16 7728 1240
share tweet
(831): View more from California

I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.

Fav 15 9305 1177
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.

Fav 68 12565 3326
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone

Fav 32 7427 1165
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.

Fav 10 2263 4319
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

(949): View more from California

I gave it to your brother to give to you.

Fav 57 14528 5764
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101

Fav 23 4433 842
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!

Fav 13 5489 1008
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.

Fav 23 1542 6044
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...

Fav 28 3596 6856
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.

Fav 83 10184 1168
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.

Fav 12 5604 884
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..

Fav 9 4357 812
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue

Fav 27 1519 5277
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.

Fav 37 8413 1026
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.

Fav 26 10543 1105
share tweet
(310): View more from California

i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets

(818): View more from California

julia child would be proud.

Fav 15 5056 1206
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.

Fav 35 6472 1288
share tweet
(707): View more from California

that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it

Fav 18 5061 926
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.

Fav 29 7056 1594
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.

Fav 19 4644 2321
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...

Fav 42 1166 6908
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Umm..who the fuck is this?

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Oh shit

Fav 54 2467 6780
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.

Fav 6 4602 840
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.

Fav 12 1096 4326
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self

Fav 24 4691 1406
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"

(571): View more from Virginia

you make me proud to be your friend

Fav 65 5053 945
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby

Fav 13 850 5454
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.

Fav 50 1522 4943
share tweet
(661): View more from California

a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet

Fav 36 4184 1376
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.

Fav 38 8361 1416
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

Fav 92 33673 2310
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.

Fav 29 1122 4397
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.

Fav 30 6748 984
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.

Fav 43 15051 1372
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people

Fav 19 4787 1536
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.

(319): View more from Iowa

Good thing spelling doesn't count.

Fav 23 6923 1236
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.

Fav 18 6187 1070
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever

Fav 47 7199 1292
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

Fav 76 22594 1880
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers

Fav 43 6820 1032
share tweet
(818): View more from California

We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.

Fav 26 6067 1507
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?

Fav 16 1307 8079
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.

Fav 25 11778 1126
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.

Fav 12 5019 1049
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night

(248): View more from Michigan

he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit

Fav 6 1333 1788
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex

Fav 58 6485 1181
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss

Fav 22 5435 846
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

nutella sex= disaster

Fav 26 1293 5653
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz

Fav 87 16563 3470
share tweet
(530): View more from California

just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life

Fav 28 8139 1044
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.

Fav 57 3542 5669
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell

(720): View more from Colorado

That's the classiest thing you've ever said.

Fav 44 6390 2304
share tweet
(925): View more from California

can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet

Fav 26 4833 1492
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

Fav 46 29492 2650
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou

Fav 25 4930 1106
share tweet
(562): View more from California

How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?

Fav 26 896 5468
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home

(419): View more from Ohio

move.

Fav 19 1331 7672
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.

Fav 12 1913 3817
share tweet
(310): View more from California

He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what

Fav 18 1066 3821
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I'm on page 4.

(678): View more from Georgia

Im on beer infinity

Fav 16 7044 1007
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.

Fav 20 2772 5001
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.

Fav 76 5042 2223
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.

Fav 61 19439 1817
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!

(1-314): View more from Missouri

What?

(314): View more from Missouri

I have a yeast infection.

Fav 180 2624 29259
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.

(1-907): View more from Alaska

Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..

Fav 45 7831 1208
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.

Fav 10 5690 1344
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

Fav 58 12695 1535
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

Fav 298 76383 3433
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later

Fav 24 6553 1206
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?

Fav 12 5788 1138
share tweet
(818): View more from California

it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.

Fav 13 5490 1409
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out

Fav 106 21758 1487
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.

Fav 35 14140 1499
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move

Fav 33 7637 1141
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

Fav 74 19053 1437
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.

Fav 31 6417 1923
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.

Fav 29 11662 1237
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

Fav 209 64418 3037
share tweet
(432): View more from Texas

My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT

Fav 93 7830 1966
share tweet
(760): View more from California

Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?

Fav 36 3834 4161
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.

Fav 51 9094 1224
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?

Fav 20 6363 1048
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

no one should ever give us hovercrafts

Fav 25 4796 1045
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Why is there a cactus in the microwave?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Don't worry about it.

Fav 25 11218 1342
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.

Fav 29 1578 7129
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?

Fav 55 12489 1501
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall

Fav 36 8723 1358
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

bitch

Fav 62 3555 5274
share tweet
(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

Fav 51 31569 1785
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.

Fav 49 9375 1399
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.

Fav 45 7168 1143
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?

Fav 32 1151 4183
share tweet
(760): View more from California

I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.

Fav 57 21660 1908
share tweet
(415): View more from California

I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny

Fav 41 1194 4416
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.

(810): View more from Michigan

You're 20.

(734): View more from Michigan

IT'S BUILD A BEAR!

Fav 149 12010 2613
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO

Fav 34 3263 1285
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.

(1-513): View more from Ohio

She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.

(513): View more from Ohio

She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.

Fav 35 1781 5299
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma

Fav 16 1192 3978
share tweet
(925): View more from California

anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.

Fav 21 5584 1173
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed

Fav 13 5406 1533
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet

Fav 9 1157 4579
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.

Fav 49 1184 5894
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

I don't want it.

Fav 36 1460 8207
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.

Fav 27 6776 1142
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.

Fav 42 6251 1276
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.

Fav 72 6918 2320
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono

Fav 17 4138 2161
share tweet
(510): View more from California

i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me

Fav 65 2431 12819
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra

Fav 25 1289 4064
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.

Fav 17 2119 1071
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.

Fav 136 8449 56817
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

Fav 225 8815 73996
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.

(504): View more from Louisiana

Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.

Fav 196 2464 17276
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake

Fav 50 6229 1369
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop

Fav 18 6970 942
share tweet
(228): View more from Mississippi

they just did a mariachi cover of free bird

Fav 21 5679 1265
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined

Fav 19 1176 3408
share tweet
(760): View more from California

fuck your aforementioned shoe

Fav 27 4796 973
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.

Fav 20 4709 1470
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.

Fav 12 1127 3898
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?

Fav 41 7042 1171
share tweet