Texts From Last Night · Stephanie

Stephanie_195's Favorites Texts:

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(205): View more from Alabama

Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.

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(925): View more from California

crossed #23 off the Slucket List!

(1-925): View more from California

YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this

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(760): View more from California

The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

ur mom makes the best bacon

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.

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(708): View more from Illinois

And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

he told me it was like eating gods vagina.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...

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(970): View more from Colorado

I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.

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(585): View more from New York

Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?

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(714): View more from California

Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.

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(951): View more from California

diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.

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(415): View more from California

I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair

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(650): View more from California

At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him

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(908): View more from New Jersey

but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.

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(406): View more from Montana

Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.

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(519): View more from Ontario

My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now

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(916): View more from California

1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.

(707): View more from California

*roof

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried

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(937): View more from Ohio

I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...

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(315): View more from New York

Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.

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(207): View more from Maine

Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.

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(818): View more from California

more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.

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(206): View more from Washington

He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.

(415): View more from California

Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.

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(847): View more from Illinois

it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

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(210): View more from Texas

IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.

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(909): View more from California

I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.

(1-909): View more from California

Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point

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(573): View more from Missouri

I had him autograph the condom wrapper.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?

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(408): View more from California

Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.

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(360): View more from Washington

So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?

(1-419): View more from Ohio

Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.

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(509): View more from Washington

Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".

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(407): View more from Florida

That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.

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(365): View more from

As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.

(1-365): View more from

I was judging you.

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(280): View more from

So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.

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(512): View more from Texas

Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!

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(310): View more from California

What's the address?

(626): View more from California

Too drunk. Just google it.

(310): View more from California

IT'S YOUR HOUSE

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(330): View more from Ohio

He was the only guy who ever made me cry..

(1-330): View more from Ohio

Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?

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(714): View more from California

Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love

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(248): View more from Michigan

the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.

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(530): View more from California

I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.

(1-530): View more from California

fuck. you.

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(925): View more from California

I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.

(1-925): View more from California

We just have a real special relationship.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"

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(214): View more from Texas

It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Do what your heart wants. . .

(504): View more from Louisiana

My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"

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(219): View more from Indiana

I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

You almost married that.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.

(423): View more from Tennessee

strike, motherfucker.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.

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(443): View more from Maryland

My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.

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(631): View more from New York

Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.

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(817): View more from Texas

Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.

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(386): View more from Florida

I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.

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(812): View more from Indiana

He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet

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(641): View more from Iowa

My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.

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(503): View more from Oregon

You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.

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(850): View more from Florida

I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day

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(619): View more from California

I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw

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(386): View more from Florida

he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it

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(954): View more from Florida

well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.

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(514): View more from Quebec

I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?

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(970): View more from Colorado

im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.

(303): View more from Colorado

i dont think thats healthy man...

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(586): View more from Michigan

It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.

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(518): View more from New York

I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex

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(773): View more from Illinois

while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"

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(631): View more from New York

Crying in the liquor store is not a good look

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(562): View more from California

guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".

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(682): View more from Texas

I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face

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(304): View more from West Virginia

The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower

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(404): View more from Georgia

He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.

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(408): View more from California

He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior

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(518): View more from New York

She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.

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(407): View more from Florida

Blood and glitter go together right?

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(206): View more from Washington

the night ended with taco bell and tears

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(803): View more from South Carolina

It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".

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(714): View more from California

the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?

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(817): View more from Texas

Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase

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(602): View more from Arizona

I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.

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(914): View more from New York

Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.

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(619): View more from California

I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.

(1-619): View more from California

Very innocently.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

Why?

(609): View more from New Jersey

Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."

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(972): View more from Texas

Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.

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(631): View more from New York

You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to celebrate with you...

(214): View more from Texas

There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.

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(209): View more from California

We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.

(1-209): View more from California

Duh.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?

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(716): View more from New York

Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'

(860): View more from Connecticut

where do you find these guys?

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(480): View more from Arizona

its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore

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(614): View more from Ohio

Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"

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(360): View more from Washington

I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.

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(954): View more from Florida

I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.

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(661): View more from California

He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(940): View more from Texas

Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers

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(219): View more from Indiana

They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college

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(540): View more from Virginia

my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.

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(540): View more from Virginia

she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out

(803): View more from South Carolina

youve hit the jackpot

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(630): View more from Illinois

She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep

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(562): View more from California

omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.

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(361): View more from Texas

He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.

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(251): View more from Alabama

Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off

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(318): View more from Louisiana

As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places

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(770): View more from Georgia

Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Just invented taco cereal.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I smell like Captain Morgan and tears

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.

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(251): View more from Alabama

I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

he tried to breastfeed my turtle

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(914): View more from New York

my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip

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(903): View more from Texas

Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever

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(480): View more from Arizona

I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.

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(386): View more from Florida

I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.

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(716): View more from New York

It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.

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(815): View more from Illinois

ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this

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(734): View more from Michigan

Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you

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(440): View more from Ohio

i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.

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(631): View more from New York

She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?

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(630): View more from Illinois

We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.

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(815): View more from Illinois

we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.

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(518): View more from New York

We left an ass print on the piano.

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(571): View more from Virginia

I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one

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(803): View more from South Carolina

have you facebook stalked him yet?

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

No, I don’t know his last name...

(803): View more from South Carolina

Just google his license plate numb

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(314): View more from Missouri

Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine

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(520): View more from Arizona

It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated

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(845): View more from New York

I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"

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(719): View more from Colorado

He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.

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(804): View more from Virginia

we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better

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(847): View more from Illinois

as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me

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(419): View more from Ohio

Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...

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(941): View more from Florida

Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''

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(815): View more from Illinois

just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window

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(516): View more from New York

good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.

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(333): View more from

im calling her cock vulture from now on

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(409): View more from Texas

he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out

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(630): View more from Illinois

I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up

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(804): View more from Virginia

i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.

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(443): View more from Maryland

theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.

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(+49): View more from Germany

he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"

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(410): View more from Maryland

And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.

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(310): View more from California

we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.

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(903): View more from Texas

Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.

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(786): View more from Florida

HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'

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(+61): View more from Australia

Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.

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(512): View more from Texas

When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.

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(269): View more from Michigan

Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.

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(317): View more from Indiana

He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

(1-317): View more from Indiana

He's the fucking cop whisperer.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?

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(207): View more from Maine

It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..

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(708): View more from Illinois

We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.

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(904): View more from Florida

So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...

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(206): View more from Washington

Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?

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(815): View more from Illinois

This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.

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(313): View more from Michigan

The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?

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(347): View more from New York

when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign

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(513): View more from Ohio

god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"

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(239): View more from Florida

gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.

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(434): View more from Virginia

just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!

(1-434): View more from Virginia

why is this not a picture message?!?!

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(254): View more from Texas

They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call

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(917): View more from New York City

Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?

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(517): View more from Michigan

I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.

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(707): View more from California

I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

its not stalking. its research.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.

(404): View more from Georgia

you should get a family discount.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I love how my cats smell like pot.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.

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(207): View more from Maine

I think we should see other people.

(1-207): View more from Maine

Already working on it.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face

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(302): View more from Delaware

she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>

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(510): View more from California

dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?

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(818): View more from California

Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.

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(406): View more from Montana

Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night

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(410): View more from Maryland

what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!

(1-410): View more from Maryland

the part where you beat me to him

(410): View more from Maryland

fair enough.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.

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(913): View more from Kansas

My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car

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(830): View more from Texas

He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.

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(914): View more from New York

I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...

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(301): View more from Maryland

My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.

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(712): View more from Iowa

The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.

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(319): View more from Iowa

umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do

(1-319): View more from Iowa

put a dollar in it?

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(712): View more from Iowa

The police scanner is talking about you again....

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(248): View more from Michigan

you lied. pity sex is amazing.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.

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(678): View more from Georgia

He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.

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(541): View more from Oregon

at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking

(1-541): View more from Oregon

only in oregon

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(416): View more from Toronto

You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..

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(206): View more from Washington

When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?

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(407): View more from Florida

we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her

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(817): View more from Texas

You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go

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(940): View more from Texas

just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it

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(678): View more from Georgia

The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro

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(407): View more from Florida

We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!

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(816): View more from Missouri

you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too

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(312): View more from Illinois

i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?

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(205): View more from Alabama

I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.

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(916): View more from California

I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do

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(480): View more from Arizona

just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.

(480): View more from Arizona

k i'll be over in 5.

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(425): View more from Washington

I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming

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(708): View more from Illinois

So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.

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(949): View more from California

We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.

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(530): View more from California

And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?

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(516): View more from New York

Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.

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(253): View more from Washington

I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.

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(614): View more from Ohio

My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex

(1-614): View more from Ohio

You and your mom would make an amazing tag team

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?

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(214): View more from Texas

I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.

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(469): View more from Texas

Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick

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(253): View more from Washington

We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.

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(516): View more from New York

please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.

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(818): View more from California

Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.

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(805): View more from California

NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??

(805): View more from California

He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You should probably go find him.

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(214): View more from Texas

What do you think it is?

(615): View more from Tennessee

It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.

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(407): View more from Florida

All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.

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(310): View more from California

We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.

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(614): View more from Ohio

There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.

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(831): View more from California

she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.

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(708): View more from Illinois

so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"

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(445): View more from Pennsylvania

We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off

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(770): View more from Georgia

his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning

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(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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(512): View more from Texas

The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?

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(816): View more from Missouri

You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"

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(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.

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(904): View more from Florida

When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(845): View more from New York

She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".

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(703): View more from Virginia

I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband

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(865): View more from Tennessee

is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?

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(703): View more from Virginia

As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

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(845): View more from New York

I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"

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(256): View more from Alabama

Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

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(850): View more from Florida

hey. who tried to drive me home last night?

(904): View more from Florida

not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?

(850): View more from Florida

i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

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(678): View more from Georgia

I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?

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(219): View more from Indiana

Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.

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(760): View more from California

I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer

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(647): View more from Ontario

Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

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(703): View more from Virginia

How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so horny!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so hungry

(508): View more from Massachusetts

WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

For your pussy...

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(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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(248): View more from Michigan

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.

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(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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(619): View more from California

Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper

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(931): View more from Tennessee

a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.

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(630): View more from Illinois

We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.

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(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(281): View more from Texas

How do you jack off and text at the same time?

(1-281): View more from Texas

On my iPhone they have an app for that

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(831): View more from California

theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(847): View more from Illinois

He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

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(214): View more from Texas

he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'

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(720): View more from Colorado

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

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(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(516): View more from New York

im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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