Texts From Last Night · bnastyyy19's Favorites

bnastyyy19's Favorites Texts:

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(740): View more from Ohio

I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.

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(253): View more from Washington

I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips

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(404): View more from Georgia

she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?

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(757): View more from Virginia

We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.

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(718): View more from New York

ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE

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(512): View more from Texas

you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday

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(706): View more from Georgia

He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.

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(707): View more from California

The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends

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(574): View more from Indiana

A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.

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(619): View more from California

i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door

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(402): View more from Nebraska

We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.

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(302): View more from Delaware

My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.

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(850): View more from Florida

Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny

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(760): View more from California

all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"

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(979): View more from Texas

Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again

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(541): View more from Oregon

blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best

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(303): View more from Colorado

Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.

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(509): View more from Washington

Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.

(406): View more from Montana

Hospital.

(509): View more from Washington

I am invincible.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

On my way to the DMV to get arrested

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(519): View more from Ontario

I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.

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(740): View more from Ohio

He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"

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(314): View more from Missouri

For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.

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(315): View more from New York

Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench

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(757): View more from Virginia

I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here

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(716): View more from New York

He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."

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(970): View more from Colorado

Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.

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(909): View more from California

I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick

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(803): View more from South Carolina

and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace

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(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.

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(623): View more from Arizona

its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..

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(708): View more from Illinois

we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love

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(209): View more from California

His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.

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(512): View more from Texas

we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.

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(646): View more from New York

You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door

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(502): View more from Kentucky

What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.

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(260): View more from Indiana

His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.

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(805): View more from California

I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.

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(904): View more from Florida

This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places

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(770): View more from Georgia

Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.

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(863): View more from Florida

There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.

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(713): View more from Texas

Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.

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(530): View more from California

My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.

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(404): View more from Georgia

This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand

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(516): View more from New York

Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat

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(949): View more from California

I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby

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(773): View more from Illinois

His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning

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(817): View more from Texas

I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before

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(941): View more from Florida

i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.

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(303): View more from Colorado

My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted

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(708): View more from Illinois

Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.

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(623): View more from Arizona

just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.

(623): View more from Arizona

and by single i mean slutty

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(812): View more from Indiana

I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.

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(903): View more from Texas

She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...

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(509): View more from Washington

I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?

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(240): View more from Maryland

When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean

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(703): View more from Virginia

I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.

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(619): View more from California

We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"

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(719): View more from Colorado

She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time

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(727): View more from Florida

I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...

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(315): View more from New York

mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"

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(817): View more from Texas

He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating

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(205): View more from Alabama

She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.

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(503): View more from Oregon

He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.

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(509): View more from Washington

I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?

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(707): View more from California

I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister

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(904): View more from Florida

Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.

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(619): View more from California

Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!

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(714): View more from California

The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?

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(406): View more from Montana

I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."

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(917): View more from New York City

level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"

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(678): View more from Georgia

My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.

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(440): View more from Ohio

thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.

(440): View more from Ohio

anything for my little brother.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??

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(469): View more from Texas

I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..

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(848): View more from New Jersey

She said she wanted to have closure sex.

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(214): View more from Texas

so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat

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(760): View more from California

I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.

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(816): View more from Missouri

we didnt even have break up sex...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

you had it for us with someone else...

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...

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(989): View more from Michigan

there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.

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(415): View more from California

When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

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(979): View more from Texas

Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.

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(407): View more from Florida

and now there are teeth marks on my dick.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.

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(636): View more from Missouri

she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina

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(727): View more from Florida

when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative

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(443): View more from Maryland

Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.

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(514): View more from Quebec

Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake

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(949): View more from California

Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.

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(914): View more from New York

Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.

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(305): View more from Florida

We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...

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(415): View more from California

i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth

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(773): View more from Illinois

We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love

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(312): View more from Illinois

I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"

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(937): View more from Ohio

I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.

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(630): View more from Illinois

We are two peas in an std pod

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(443): View more from Maryland

i would one night stand the shit outta him

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(707): View more from California

She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now

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(971): View more from Oregon

I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.

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(206): View more from Washington

She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.

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(415): View more from California

Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up

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(816): View more from Missouri

At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.

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(415): View more from California

Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in

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(815): View more from Illinois

I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.

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(585): View more from New York

i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.

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(480): View more from Arizona

i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone

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(909): View more from California

According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

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(720): View more from Colorado

Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids

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(785): View more from Kansas

One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.

(478): View more from Georgia

Moment of silence for the loss of that option.

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(703): View more from Virginia

does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex

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(720): View more from Colorado

He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.

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(631): View more from New York

You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.

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(316): View more from Kansas

i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.

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(360): View more from Washington

Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.

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(305): View more from Florida

It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...

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(636): View more from Missouri

& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'

(636): View more from Missouri

HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.

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(937): View more from Ohio

It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.

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(703): View more from Virginia

You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job

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(518): View more from New York

he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING

(617): View more from Massachusetts

you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.

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(585): View more from New York

I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level

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(573): View more from Missouri

Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.

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(646): View more from New York

He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.

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(518): View more from New York

I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...

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(618): View more from Illinois

Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"

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(561): View more from Florida

His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.

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(516): View more from New York

no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"

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(727): View more from Florida

Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.

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(410): View more from Maryland

you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma

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(302): View more from Delaware

didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official

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(317): View more from Indiana

well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night

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(630): View more from Illinois

Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went

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(713): View more from Texas

We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..

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(+61): View more from Australia

Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now

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(212): View more from New York

Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.

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(850): View more from Florida

my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?

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(703): View more from Virginia

you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.

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(801): View more from Utah

He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...

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(208): View more from Idaho

he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"

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(973): View more from New Jersey

So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter

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(614): View more from Ohio

My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex

(1-614): View more from Ohio

You and your mom would make an amazing tag team

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.

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(443): View more from Maryland

i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.

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(+54): View more from

My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed

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(702): View more from Nevada

What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs

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(313): View more from Michigan

The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..

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(650): View more from California

an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You just said the magic words

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(440): View more from Ohio

Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"

(1-440): View more from Ohio

Perfectly normal.

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(727): View more from Florida

Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.

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(309): View more from Illinois

why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??

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(713): View more from Texas

I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".

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(440): View more from Ohio

I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.

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(602): View more from Arizona

And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

I'll google it

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(647): View more from Ontario

Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?

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(718): View more from New York

I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.

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(517): View more from Michigan

you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii

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(831): View more from California

she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?

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(754): View more from Florida

He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?

(954): View more from Florida

In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?

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(660): View more from Missouri

THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.

(816): View more from Missouri

..So we should take it off Youtube?

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(253): View more from Washington

he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea

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(626): View more from California

in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"

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(703): View more from Virginia

But I thought everyone had breakup sex?

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.

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(510): View more from California

you told grandpa to call you daddy

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(618): View more from Illinois

It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.

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(513): View more from Ohio

First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...

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(810): View more from Michigan

Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across

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(407): View more from Florida

So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves

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(714): View more from California

drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings

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(248): View more from Michigan

after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"

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(916): View more from California

She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.

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(330): View more from Ohio

She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.

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(+32): View more from Belgium

guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for

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(310): View more from California

I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.

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(224): View more from Illinois

I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Good morning to you

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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(901): View more from Tennessee

She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

Dude, if you don't take her, I will.

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(530): View more from California

I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.

(1-530): View more from California

fuck. you.

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(720): View more from Colorado

You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.

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(661): View more from California

new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.

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(954): View more from Florida

If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.

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(904): View more from Florida

I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.

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(971): View more from Oregon

I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.

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(315): View more from New York

my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too

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(801): View more from Utah

we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha

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(269): View more from Michigan

So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow

(1-269): View more from Michigan

Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10

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(973): View more from New Jersey

we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

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(201): View more from New Jersey

As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

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(407): View more from Florida

It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.

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(513): View more from Ohio

why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position

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(445): View more from Pennsylvania

We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.

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(407): View more from Florida

she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store

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(440): View more from Ohio

You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

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(540): View more from Virginia

she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out

(803): View more from South Carolina

youve hit the jackpot

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(703): View more from Virginia

As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

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(917): View more from New York City

Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.

(1-931): View more from Tennessee

Wtf? What happened?

(931): View more from Tennessee

Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?

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(865): View more from Tennessee

is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."

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(970): View more from Colorado

Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"

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(703): View more from Virginia

I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband

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(212): View more from New York

ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

(1-212): View more from New York

this is Aaron, hi

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(503): View more from Oregon

we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.

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(812): View more from Indiana

The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?

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(425): View more from Washington

I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"

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(310): View more from California

i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."

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(703): View more from Virginia

we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.

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(540): View more from Virginia

he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

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(732): View more from New Jersey

he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.

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(845): View more from New York

I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"

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(313): View more from Michigan

So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you

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(847): View more from Illinois

So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be

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(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

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(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.

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(559): View more from California

I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(828): View more from North Carolina

proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.

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(214): View more from Texas

She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer

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(647): View more from Ontario

Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(949): View more from California

Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

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(416): View more from Ontario

Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home

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(630): View more from Illinois

We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.

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(562): View more from California

omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.

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(716): View more from New York

I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(212): View more from New York

I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

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(214): View more from Texas

he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'

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(913): View more from Kansas

Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're the best girlfriend ever.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

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(410): View more from Maryland

so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

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(775): View more from Nevada

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(516): View more from New York

im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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(847): View more from Illinois

so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.

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(404): View more from Georgia

i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(316): View more from Kansas

I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper

(785): View more from Kansas

He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.

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(316): View more from Kansas

sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.

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(316): View more from Kansas

i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes

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(813): View more from Florida

Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.

(1-813): View more from Florida

I ordered a moonbounce.

(813): View more from Florida

Fuck, you win.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"

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(757): View more from Virginia

i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work

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(914): View more from New York

Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right

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(806): View more from Texas

If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

That's funny. Are they weird looking???

(262): View more from Wisconsin

OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

told you he was gay.

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(703): View more from Virginia

using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.

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(317): View more from Indiana

After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.

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(562): View more from California

not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.

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(716): View more from New York

Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka

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(785): View more from Kansas

He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.

(1-785): View more from Kansas

But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you

(580): View more from Oklahoma

Really.

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(240): View more from Maryland

boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

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(44): View more from United Kingdom

Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?

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(352): View more from Florida

homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...

(1-352): View more from Florida

so you did it...

(352): View more from Florida

obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?

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