Texts From Last Night · ellewills's Favorites

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ellewills's Favorites Texts:

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(901): View more from Tennessee

This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.

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(917): View more from New York City

You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.

(203): View more from Connecticut

That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue

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(850): View more from Florida

He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I spit up blood this morning

(206): View more from Washington

That's vegas.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We don't really communicate like that.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Communicate like what?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".

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(530): View more from California

Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.

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(281): View more from Texas

Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.

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(443): View more from Maryland

me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend

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(518): View more from New York

Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.

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(530): View more from California

My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.

(916): View more from California

That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"

(406): View more from Montana

Midwestern nice.

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(303): View more from Colorado

The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....

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(443): View more from Maryland

its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike

(303): View more from Colorado

you still have morals?

(443): View more from Maryland

Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire

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(917): View more from New York City

I just don't do feelings in the summer months.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.

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(406): View more from Montana

You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...

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(847): View more from Illinois

sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.

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(206): View more from Washington

I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...

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(309): View more from Illinois

Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.

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(907): View more from Alaska

his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord

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(937): View more from Ohio

Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs

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(951): View more from California

I'm sorry I peed on your everything.

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(807): View more from Ontario

It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.

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(817): View more from Texas

We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"

(1-778): View more from British Columbia

Too much penis in there.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy

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(360): View more from Washington

I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

But you'll make an exception

(908): View more from New Jersey

probably not

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(315): View more from New York

A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos

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(315): View more from New York

Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.

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(206): View more from Washington

"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.

(1-417): View more from Missouri

That's because you are an idiot.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.

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(972): View more from Texas

I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.

(214): View more from Texas

Does it taste like semen?

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(520): View more from Arizona

Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation

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(201): View more from New Jersey

He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.

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(310): View more from California

So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.

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(714): View more from California

She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group

(1-303): View more from Colorado

But you wear shame so well

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(909): View more from California

Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?

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(417): View more from Missouri

You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make

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(206): View more from Washington

He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.

(415): View more from California

Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.

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(619): View more from California

For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.

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(831): View more from California

She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"

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(308): View more from Nebraska

I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.

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(+44): View more from England

Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(416): View more from Toronto

But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures

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(850): View more from Florida

I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.

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(213): View more from California

And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at

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(812): View more from Indiana

after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I honestly don't know what to make of that.

(423): View more from Tennessee

A ham sandwich would be nice.

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(313): View more from Michigan

She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.

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(626): View more from California

Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.

(1-626): View more from California

This is why you don't have nice things.

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(909): View more from California

I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility

(910): View more from North Carolina

well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?

(1-218): View more from Minnesota

Both?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

(410): View more from Maryland

you are way too vulgar to be a girl

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(779): View more from Illinois

I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.

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(971): View more from Oregon

Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?

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(520): View more from Arizona

This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?

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(831): View more from California

You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint

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(812): View more from Indiana

And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING

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(614): View more from Ohio

The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?

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(450): View more from Quebec

I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement

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(256): View more from Alabama

You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair

(501): View more from Arkansas

Strong work

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

WHY AM I NOT THERE?

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(302): View more from Delaware

I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like

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(510): View more from California

The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.

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(954): View more from Florida

You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.

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(951): View more from California

I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.

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(765): View more from Indiana

At least we don't have one night stands

(1-765): View more from Indiana

True that. We sink our claws in our men.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?

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(540): View more from Virginia

she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out

(803): View more from South Carolina

youve hit the jackpot

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(443): View more from Maryland

why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?

(410): View more from Maryland

haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background

(443): View more from Maryland

that only happened once.

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(323): View more from California

When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina

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(817): View more from Texas

Midnight walks are trippy

(1-817): View more from Texas

I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.

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(636): View more from Missouri

At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"

(314): View more from Missouri

You fucking left with him didn't you?!

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(330): View more from Ohio

I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.

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(416): View more from Ontario

you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.

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(914): View more from New York

My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.

(845): View more from New York

She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?

(914): View more from New York

well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey

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(270): View more from Kentucky

It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..

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(913): View more from Kansas

My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.

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(419): View more from Ohio

His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch

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(563): View more from Iowa

Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?

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(270): View more from Kentucky

He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.

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(480): View more from Arizona

We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.

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(734): View more from Michigan

In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.

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(678): View more from Georgia

You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'

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(305): View more from Florida

Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!

(216): View more from Ohio

Look at your life. Look at your choices.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.

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(760): View more from California

I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.

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(305): View more from Florida

gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill

(970): View more from Colorado

did you ask her what wine to pair it with?

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(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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(818): View more from California

She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I hate bills.

(479): View more from Arkansas

Like ones you have to pay or people named William?

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(769): View more from Mississippi

He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking

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(727): View more from Florida

it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...

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(415): View more from California

I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.

(732): View more from New Jersey

Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"

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(979): View more from Texas

Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.

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(212): View more from New York

how are things with the new girl?

(917): View more from New York City

good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.

(703): View more from Virginia

OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.

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(618): View more from Illinois

His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Listen to me plotting my whoredom.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit

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(616): View more from Michigan

She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross

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(310): View more from California

Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.

(310): View more from California

Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I love you more with every blowjob.

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

You should write for Hallmark.

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(630): View more from Illinois

just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.

(815): View more from Illinois

we live in such a classy society.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.

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(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.

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(303): View more from Colorado

im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working

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(586): View more from Michigan

Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no

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(619): View more from California

Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.

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(770): View more from Georgia

All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.

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(707): View more from California

You rang?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.

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(518): View more from New York

I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny

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(+61): View more from Australia

We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations

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(513): View more from Ohio

My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going

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(607): View more from New York

i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.

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(206): View more from Washington

I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole

(425): View more from Washington

There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian

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(415): View more from California

I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.

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(760): View more from California

But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy

(530): View more from California

I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast

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(831): View more from California

I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.

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(574): View more from Indiana

I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor

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(561): View more from Florida

This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!

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(970): View more from Colorado

I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.

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(562): View more from California

Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.

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(315): View more from New York

My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.

(937): View more from Ohio

He had some in his pocket. That was weird.

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(208): View more from Idaho

New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.

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(909): View more from California

and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.

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(614): View more from Ohio

you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes

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(949): View more from California

Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Redeem this text for a blowjob

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(951): View more from California

Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.

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(956): View more from Texas

Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

What time did you start drinking?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe isn't a time...

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

What did I say to him last night?

(385): View more from Utah

Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

all in all not a bad night

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS

(443): View more from Maryland

I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.

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(360): View more from Washington

thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking

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(360): View more from Washington

You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!

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(812): View more from Indiana

She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...

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(801): View more from Utah

I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.

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(619): View more from California

How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.

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(773): View more from Illinois

You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING

(1-773): View more from Illinois

Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time

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(941): View more from Florida

He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information

(1-701): View more from North Dakota

walking out with herpes. that would be worse

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(609): View more from New Jersey

His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.

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(079): View more from

I think we need to take a brake

(078): View more from

What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'

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(818): View more from California

Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night

(334): View more from Alabama

I felt like a fucking code breaker.

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(660): View more from Missouri

He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"

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(928): View more from Arizona

He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.

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(310): View more from California

She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.

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(419): View more from Ohio

They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."

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(438): View more from Quebec

gladiator or hannah montana?

(514): View more from Quebec

This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.

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(248): View more from Michigan

My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge

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(850): View more from Florida

hey. who tried to drive me home last night?

(904): View more from Florida

not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?

(850): View more from Florida

i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.

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(802): View more from Vermont

i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?

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(706): View more from Georgia

I GOT MY PERIOD!

(706): View more from Georgia

damn. i had names picked out.

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(734): View more from Michigan

What do you wear to apply at a strip club?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You went to jail last night?!

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

Just a little bit.

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(831): View more from California

Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.

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(212): View more from New York

I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...

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(917): View more from New York City

when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.

(917): View more from New York City

Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.

(347): View more from New York

he is a god among men.

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(772): View more from Florida

Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?

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(806): View more from Texas

Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.

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(561): View more from Florida

Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake

(1-561): View more from Florida

Who the fuck is this

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?

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(216): View more from Ohio

Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

You almost married that.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit

(216): View more from Ohio

There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.

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(720): View more from Colorado

My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever

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(917): View more from New York City

Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

I could have done it in 2

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(310): View more from California

I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.

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(734): View more from Michigan

this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card

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(708): View more from Illinois

What are you doing and how can I add sex in there

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(607): View more from New York

Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth

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(317): View more from Indiana

I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot

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(712): View more from Iowa

I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love

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(631): View more from New York

if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org

(516): View more from New York

.org?

(631): View more from New York

yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.

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(+61): View more from Australia

A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.

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(559): View more from California

she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up

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(615): View more from Tennessee

His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?

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(206): View more from Washington

a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside

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(984): View more from North Carolina

i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.

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(407): View more from Florida

I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?

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(512): View more from Texas

The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?

(319): View more from Iowa

Yes. For all mankind please do.

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(260): View more from Indiana

you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you

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(260): View more from Indiana

just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.

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(207): View more from Maine

Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.

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(574): View more from Indiana

I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.

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(831): View more from California

i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.

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(954): View more from Florida

He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"

(954): View more from Florida

Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.

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(518): View more from New York

I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex

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(407): View more from Florida

I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much

(352): View more from Florida

Like they're going to fly away?

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(806): View more from Texas

You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

(1-806): View more from Texas

Best pick-up line ever!

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(626): View more from California

she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.

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(912): View more from Georgia

This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.

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(567): View more from Ohio

I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..

(1-567): View more from Ohio

How so?

(567): View more from Ohio

Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.

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(415): View more from California

Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".

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(330): View more from Ohio

I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!

(1-330): View more from Ohio

is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?

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(614): View more from Ohio

We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!

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(559): View more from California

I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.

(1-559): View more from California

Yup.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem

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(734): View more from Michigan

It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever

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(301): View more from Maryland

It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down

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(540): View more from Virginia

she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like

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(310): View more from California

Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.

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(972): View more from Texas

I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?

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(217): View more from Illinois

We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that

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(516): View more from New York

1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.

(516): View more from New York

By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.

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(515): View more from Iowa

im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home

(647): View more from Ontario

Was he satisfied?

(416): View more from Toronto

No, and very vocal about it.

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(585): View more from New York

we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night

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(203): View more from Connecticut

If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.

(518): View more from New York

So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?

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(845): View more from New York

I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.

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(804): View more from Virginia

by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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(912): View more from Georgia

There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s

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(862): View more from New Jersey

Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.

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(310): View more from California

I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.

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(509): View more from Washington

Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.

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(360): View more from Washington

So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with

(509): View more from Washington

Isn't life beautiful?

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(678): View more from Georgia

Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark

(1-678): View more from Georgia

...

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(440): View more from Ohio

I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

(1-440): View more from Ohio

please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

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(802): View more from Vermont

I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do

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(443): View more from Maryland

Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.

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(804): View more from Virginia

he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.

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(360): View more from Washington

she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love

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(602): View more from Arizona

Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

well..are you winning?

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(419): View more from Ohio

fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.

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(360): View more from Washington

I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized

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(253): View more from Washington

She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.

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(310): View more from California

A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding

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(301): View more from Maryland

in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life

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(478): View more from Georgia

I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.

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(248): View more from Michigan

ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.

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(509): View more from Washington

Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.

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(407): View more from Florida

You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.

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(815): View more from Illinois

We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.

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(408): View more from California

She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit

(1-408): View more from California

I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards

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(704): View more from North Carolina

We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?

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(360): View more from Washington

Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck

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(443): View more from Maryland

THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.

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(916): View more from California

She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.

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(678): View more from Georgia

He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions

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(248): View more from Michigan

They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.

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(712): View more from Iowa

she used her one phone call to ask me about my day

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(214): View more from Texas

My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.

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(315): View more from New York

I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.

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(716): View more from New York

i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave

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(440): View more from Ohio

why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.

(1-440): View more from Ohio

you have got to be kidding?

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(208): View more from Idaho

Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh

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(229): View more from Georgia

this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.

(1-229): View more from Georgia

You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?

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(517): View more from Michigan

I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.

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(01): View more from

He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.

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(913): View more from Kansas

i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell

(816): View more from Missouri

please tell me you are kidding me

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(443): View more from Maryland

shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy

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(240): View more from Maryland

When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.

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(408): View more from California

I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30

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(517): View more from Michigan

if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy

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(248): View more from Michigan

I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Totally get that.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.

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(207): View more from Maine

I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet

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(281): View more from Texas

She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out

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(917): View more from New York City

My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.

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(517): View more from Michigan

just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.

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(970): View more from Colorado

the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

maybe i'll see you again later :)

(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'd rather shit a knife.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.

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(818): View more from California

What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?

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(720): View more from Colorado

You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.

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(845): View more from New York

i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7

(1-845): View more from New York

id pin you as more of an 8

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(425): View more from Washington

I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?

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(253): View more from Washington

she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't

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(315): View more from New York

Random question, how's your gag reflex these days

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(514): View more from Quebec

i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them

(514): View more from Quebec

the remaining ten - you weren't in

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with

(217): View more from Illinois

well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment

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(315): View more from New York

idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.

(415): View more from California

No.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE

(1-847): View more from Illinois

This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.

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(+61): View more from Australia

remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.

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(319): View more from Iowa

I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.

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(971): View more from Oregon

I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed

(425): View more from Washington

Yeah, that sounds like my life.

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(519): View more from Ontario

she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.

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(417): View more from Missouri

So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.

(1-471): View more from

That's all you talk about when you are wasted.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I hate that ur telling me this.

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(720): View more from Colorado

i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.

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(360): View more from Washington

We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.

(1-360): View more from Washington

I absolutely love you.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.

(1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

This is why we're friends.

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(925): View more from California

370HSSV 0773H read that upside down

(1-925): View more from California

what are you doing with your life

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(615): View more from Tennessee

The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.

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(727): View more from Florida

a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.

(504): View more from Louisiana

That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.

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(517): View more from Michigan

You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins

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(+44): View more from England

You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked

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(909): View more from California

It's Friday. Sex?

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(303): View more from Colorado

Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?

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(416): View more from Ontario

Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

Nah, we all need something.

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(210): View more from Texas

I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.

(614): View more from Ohio

Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money

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(812): View more from Indiana

The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...

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(503): View more from Oregon

It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...

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(218): View more from Minnesota

It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.

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(847): View more from Illinois

He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.

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(707): View more from California

Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god

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(785): View more from Kansas

I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised

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(519): View more from Ontario

I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%

(405): View more from Oklahoma

And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?

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(585): View more from New York

ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.

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(619): View more from California

He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.

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(206): View more from Washington

You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.

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(410): View more from Maryland

just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp

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(905): View more from Ontario

I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.

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(817): View more from Texas

It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.

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(+61): View more from Australia

He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.

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(425): View more from Washington

It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.

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(516): View more from New York

you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.

(1-516): View more from New York

right. well we all have our lows.

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(941): View more from Florida

Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.

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(310): View more from California

first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking

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(240): View more from Maryland

the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference

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(214): View more from Texas

If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.

(1-334): View more from Alabama

Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.

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(209): View more from California

His new job just became new places to have sex at.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.

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(360): View more from Washington

Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(904): View more from Florida

What are you doing tonight?

(847): View more from Illinois

Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

followup question: what if both somones were me?

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(630): View more from Illinois

I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...

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(908): View more from New Jersey

it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Do ugly people know they are ugly?

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

The quiet ones do.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door

(865): View more from Tennessee

and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice

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(+35): View more from

I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

fireball beer pong. youre missing out

(732): View more from New Jersey

how is that even possible?

(908): View more from New Jersey

ove gloves.

(732): View more from New Jersey

be there in ten.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.

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(925): View more from California

Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight

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(260): View more from Indiana

He went soft

(631): View more from New York

Wait. During?

(260): View more from Indiana

Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"

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(740): View more from Ohio

If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.

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(816): View more from Missouri

i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino

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(251): View more from Alabama

I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.

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(847): View more from Illinois

What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?

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(305): View more from Florida

he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!

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(719): View more from Colorado

Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)

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(601): View more from Mississippi

She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,

(679): View more from Michigan

I wanted to be a dolphin.

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(989): View more from Michigan

My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war

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(818): View more from California

You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.

(805): View more from California

Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.

(941): View more from Florida

it was a krispy kreme

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...

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(410): View more from Maryland

It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa

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(410): View more from Maryland

you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.

(1+44): View more from

I regret nothing

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(315): View more from New York

as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"

(612): View more from Minnesota

Drunk you is pretty stunner.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.

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(330): View more from Ohio

The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Who is this?

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable

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(808): View more from Hawaii

I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship

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(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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(269): View more from Michigan

quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b

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(417): View more from Missouri

How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?

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(+84): View more from

The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white

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(+61): View more from Australia

I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast

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(317): View more from Indiana

The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

True on all accounts.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.

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(515): View more from Iowa

If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend

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(314): View more from Missouri

What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion

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(260): View more from Indiana

3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella

(1-260): View more from Indiana

I've never been more proud of you

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.

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(818): View more from California

I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire

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(815): View more from Illinois

My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.

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(303): View more from Colorado

He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.

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(740): View more from Ohio

He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.

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(806): View more from Texas

He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.

(1-806): View more from Texas

I feel like you never had a virginity..

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(301): View more from Maryland

My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...

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(707): View more from California

We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.

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(+61): View more from Australia

He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds

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(561): View more from Florida

I will miss his soup and his dick the most

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.

(1-731): View more from Tennessee

ohh what kind?

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left

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(360): View more from Washington

i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.

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(516): View more from New York

Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice

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(330): View more from Ohio

I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."

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(347): View more from New York

I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all

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(631): View more from New York

He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.

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(804): View more from Virginia

And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively

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(952): View more from Minnesota

he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.

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(323): View more from California

this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude

(765): View more from Indiana

call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(317): View more from Indiana

it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely

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(406): View more from Montana

apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...

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(235): View more from

I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them

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(509): View more from Washington

def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.

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(440): View more from Ohio

it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Umm you met him three days ago....

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I said what I said

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(203): View more from Connecticut

she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.

(860): View more from Connecticut

what did you do?

(203): View more from Connecticut

i asked her out. that's so hot.

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(312): View more from Illinois

i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'

(312): View more from Illinois

i was like PREG?

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(936): View more from Texas

you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"

(1-936): View more from Texas

I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...

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(908): View more from New Jersey

what if I'm pregnant?

(848): View more from New Jersey

smusmorshion

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.

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(513): View more from Ohio

i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.

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(641): View more from Iowa

since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way

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(989): View more from Michigan

is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?

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(661): View more from California

Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC

(831): View more from California

Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere

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(805): View more from California

he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.

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(281): View more from Texas

On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?

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(785): View more from Kansas

if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.

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(813): View more from Florida

the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?

(1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.

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(207): View more from Maine

Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.

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(614): View more from Ohio

can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?

(740): View more from Ohio

bitches.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Most awkward sex ever...

(314): View more from Missouri

And im texting you in the middle.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.

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(631): View more from New York

there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"

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(678): View more from Georgia

He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it

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(905): View more from Ontario

They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.

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(248): View more from Michigan

When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.

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(661): View more from California

aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet

(623): View more from Arizona

And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs

(661): View more from California

Exactly.

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(989): View more from Michigan

It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.

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(406): View more from Montana

She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.

(409): View more from Texas

That was definitely the right answer.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.

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(217): View more from Illinois

You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man

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(214): View more from Texas

On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.

(1-214): View more from Texas

You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously

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(540): View more from Virginia

she says it's "been amazing lately"

(540): View more from Virginia

i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.

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(954): View more from Florida

I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa

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(319): View more from Iowa

he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"

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(859): View more from Kentucky

he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.

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(702): View more from Nevada

When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

I've always been the spiritual type.

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(216): View more from Ohio

She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.

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(407): View more from Florida

Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.

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(518): View more from New York

I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.

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(404): View more from Georgia

there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his

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(585): View more from New York

that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag

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(516): View more from New York

nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex

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(352): View more from Florida

I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.

(917): View more from New York City

I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."

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(416): View more from Toronto

Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before

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(309): View more from Illinois

We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'

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(847): View more from Illinois

Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he thanks me after handjobs.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

you found the perfect man.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...

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(856): View more from New Jersey

i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"

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(914): View more from New York

Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem

(914): View more from New York

Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

she has a santa fetish

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

cute.

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(214): View more from Texas

we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.

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(858): View more from California

i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..

(720): View more from Colorado

yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures

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(605): View more from South Dakota

im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am

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(647): View more from Ontario

all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

(905): View more from Ontario

You're fat. Stop making excuses

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(917): View more from New York City

They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"

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(720): View more from Colorado

She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.

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(718): View more from New York

I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"

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(847): View more from Illinois

So did the night end well for you?

(248): View more from Michigan

I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text

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(435): View more from Utah

this will be a night to untag.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

We need to talk about our relationship.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes

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(503): View more from Oregon

PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...

(515): View more from Iowa

Ur type is ready and willing

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot

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(214): View more from Texas

Come over. Drunk tacos.

(1-214): View more from Texas

That isn't even a sentence.

(214): View more from Texas

I kept the important parts.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out

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(858): View more from California

I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.

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(917): View more from New York City

Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?

(212): View more from New York

Vagina

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(917): View more from New York City

My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard

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(337): View more from Louisiana

i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...

(985): View more from Louisiana

wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb

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(727): View more from Florida

And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?

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(773): View more from Illinois

I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.

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(404): View more from Georgia

You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together

(770): View more from Georgia

The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy

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(757): View more from Virginia

He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.

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(513): View more from Ohio

i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..

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(757): View more from Virginia

I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.

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(347): View more from New York

Need sex. Gaining weight.

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(+52): View more from Mexico

that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small

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(727): View more from Florida

i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.

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(216): View more from Ohio

bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away

(440): View more from Ohio

isn't bella the cat???

(216): View more from Ohio

that she is

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(586): View more from Michigan

We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.

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(316): View more from Kansas

He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.

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(647): View more from Ontario

It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM

(416): View more from Toronto

From?

(647): View more from Ontario

Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...

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(386): View more from Florida

Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.

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(440): View more from Ohio

she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.

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(641): View more from Iowa

Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?

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(318): View more from Louisiana

As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.

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(631): View more from New York

New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled

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(205): View more from Alabama

When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'

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(917): View more from New York City

There is a new fb quiz: "are you at ypical woman, future ex or from crazy town" - should i take it?

(504): View more from Louisiana

Aren't all three of those the same though?

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(574): View more from Indiana

Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.

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(323): View more from California

I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.

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