Texts From Last Night · 1337ist's Favorites

Sorry puto hasn't picked any favorites yet.

1337ist's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(424): View more from California

The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "

Fav 8 3531 911
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!

Fav 11 2481 733
share tweet

(516): View more from New York

Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.

Fav 16 3301 911
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.

Fav 18 3295 786
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.

Fav 9 1988 792
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.

(1-716): View more from New York

Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money

Fav 9 3173 840
share tweet

(978): View more from Massachusetts

It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale

Fav 8 2100 619
share tweet

(760): View more from California

Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.

Fav 14 1313 880
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.

Fav 18 4558 1313
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.

(1-207): View more from Maine

That's not what Jesus is for

Fav 20 2952 1092
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...

Fav 12 3190 907
share tweet

(408): View more from California

Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship

(817): View more from Texas

Last one there wins

Fav 3 2431 1040
share tweet

(763): View more from Minnesota

Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...

Fav 44 2990 6920
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend

Fav 14 5149 1075
share tweet

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.

Fav 17 2576 824
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican

Fav 27 853 1803
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"

Fav 19 4028 1098
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"

Fav 6 4131 1088
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Just called the consul general of France "dude"

Fav 7 2833 1301
share tweet
(559): View more from California

She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude

Fav 2 800 2156
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Jake bring pizza.

(775): View more from Nevada

JAKE BRING PIZZA.

Fav 6 2141 745
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.

Fav 41 6375 2099
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'

Fav 15 5817 1569
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

Fav 33 13420 2008
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I hraet yuo

(862): View more from New Jersey

did you say you heart me or hate me?

(518): View more from New York

who is this?

Fav 18 4119 1219
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.

Fav 7 2554 974
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR

Fav 21 1117 2764
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.

Fav 14 1313 3651
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange

Fav 10 3669 959
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.

Fav 4 2094 818
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.

Fav 19 5600 944
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts

Fav 10 2781 1089
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.

Fav 42 6679 1970
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.

Fav 19 5189 1184
share tweet
(530): View more from California

Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection

Fav 25 1621 6354
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis

Fav 21 3473 1005
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.

Fav 6 1657 822
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.

Fav 14 1083 2932
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM

(616): View more from Michigan

Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?

(401): View more from Rhode Island

wait... oh

Fav 9 3718 1200
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.

Fav 101 31710 5405
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.

Fav 10 3332 1135
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"

Fav 9 6252 1356
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.

Fav 4 2770 1169
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.

Fav 4 2423 899
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Like Teddy Roosevelt

Fav 4 2273 1039
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

whose oscar?

(203): View more from Connecticut

the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.

Fav 29 9316 1222
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.

Fav 6 1016 1270
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu

(781): View more from Massachusetts

So you're taking me there this weekend?

(508): View more from Massachusetts

oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.

Fav 35 7960 1471
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"

Fav 4 4491 1154
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

Moan for me like Helen Keller

Fav 33 3003 1600
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."

Fav 17 8269 1528
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

There are so many Jimmy John's employees here

(1-512): View more from Texas

Where are you?

(512): View more from Texas

Jimmy John's.

Fav 10 6222 1214
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"

Fav 12 6096 1360
share tweet
(310): View more from California

You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...

Fav 9 2376 6140
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen

Fav 44 8415 1409
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am

Fav 13 2410 1233
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

Fav 28 7701 1376
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump

Fav 23 885 4713
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post

Fav 17 2941 1189
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.

(305): View more from Florida

Did you save them?

(404): View more from Georgia

Who?

Fav 28 5906 1521
share tweet
(909): View more from California

why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?

Fav 10 4040 1013
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.

Fav 50 9612 1523
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.

Fav 18 5958 1368
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'

Fav 8 6592 1185
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".

Fav 7 4716 1207
share tweet
(310): View more from California

do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?

Fav 30 2423 10502
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

Fav 61 17234 1496
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.

Fav 22 4885 1231
share tweet
(916): View more from California

i think i have herpe

(1-916): View more from California

just one?

Fav 32 1545 4999
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story

(307): View more from Wyoming

The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.

Fav 16 6411 1755
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe

Fav 10 1815 4697
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

Fav 41 5064 7904
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Wow. You named your rash.

Fav 22 1087 4266
share tweet
(772): View more from Florida

how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?

Fav 19 4831 1110
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.

Fav 84 1256 4902
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I think im pregnant

(803): View more from South Carolina

I think you have the wrong number

Fav 67 1578 5866
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.

Fav 59 4128 1465
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.

Fav 18 6978 1260
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.

Fav 27 4834 1508
share tweet
(925): View more from California

so explain again why im purple

(617): View more from Massachusetts

no

Fav 10 2222 959
share tweet
(209): View more from California

do you want me to make hamburgers?

(541): View more from Oregon

i'm vegan

(209): View more from California

i'll put lettuce on them

Fav 37 8009 1396
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.

Fav 54 7439 1367
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent

(860): View more from Connecticut

fuckk wrong person

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

.. who was that for? a girlscout?

Fav 31 3169 1866
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.

Fav 34 4566 1198
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.

Fav 12 5851 998
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Rock

(630): View more from Illinois

Scissors

(630): View more from Illinois

Fuck

Fav 15 3064 1297
share tweet
(560): View more from

I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?

Fav 71 1577 22074
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS

Fav 34 11292 1741
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees

Fav 19 5247 3056
share tweet
(916): View more from California

In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?

(1-916): View more from California

Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.

Fav 11 5394 1181
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you

Fav 8 1390 3302
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?

(816): View more from Missouri

um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan

Fav 11 8308 1474
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.

Fav 17 1133 4567
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen

(845): View more from New York

That would be so convenient

Fav 12 3346 1309
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Vomiting outside the employee entrance

Fav 15 7820 2212
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.

Fav 10 3863 1483
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.

Fav 12 1211 3837
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.

Fav 32 8125 1554
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...

Fav 9 6447 912
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.

Fav 15 4665 1585
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.

Fav 68 18782 1869
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi

(425): View more from Washington

hahaha how?

(954): View more from Florida

its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery

Fav 22 4554 1001
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...

Fav 51 11195 2034
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.

Fav 17 1558 3605
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I love you

(720): View more from Colorado

are you drunk

(440): View more from Ohio

yes but I def love you, we should get married

(720): View more from Colorado

But I'm Jewish

(440): View more from Ohio

embrace Jesus

Fav 9 3506 1162
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"

Fav 22 14907 1829
share tweet
(323): View more from California

If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"

Fav 19 3096 1195
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?

(1-870): View more from Arkansas

well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic

(870): View more from Arkansas

what chic?

Fav 21 1892 2267
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

splinters make it hard to masturbate

Fav 20 1206 7107
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter

Fav 36 2354 6049
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

Fav 104 9040 1647
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!

Fav 31 6119 1006
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.

Fav 15 4200 1340
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...

Fav 34 5647 2510
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

Fav 40 13036 1833
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?

Fav 58 1614 3871
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year

Fav 7 1221 2045
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport

Fav 10 5740 1371
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?

Fav 14 3823 1176
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.

Fav 17 4264 1230
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP

Fav 11 5324 1891
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim

Fav 11 3699 1124
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

Fav 74 19053 1437
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.

Fav 74 18250 1905
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies

Fav 64 20234 1837
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

(1-212): View more from New York

this is Aaron, hi

Fav 48 21451 2743
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

Fav 117 48531 2769
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12

Fav 12 4066 1404
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.

(515): View more from Iowa

I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.

Fav 121 2101 1787
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.

Fav 13 2263 1415
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.

Fav 16 5791 1563
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.

Fav 11 5243 1319
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

Fav 26 13593 1718
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.

(571): View more from Virginia

was that a mass text??

Fav 60 11479 2805
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.

Fav 5 3175 1601
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade

Fav 22 2301 3715
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"

Fav 20 4087 1661
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead

Fav 18 5754 1564
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."

Fav 26 5543 914
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"

Fav 19 6206 1572
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.

Fav 31 7812 1632
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.

Fav 20 8271 1584
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.

Fav 22 4456 906
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.

Fav 32 15627 1192
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.

Fav 8 5158 1207
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.

Fav 64 1309 11266
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.

(1-646): View more from New York

what. the. fuck.

Fav 55 6058 1344
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.

Fav 25 3684 937
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house

Fav 16 2180 2962
share tweet
(580): View more from Oklahoma

You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.

Fav 37 9678 1869
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.

Fav 16 1621 4962
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".

Fav 19 7266 1484
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

(1-440): View more from Ohio

please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

Fav 78 6903 7367
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.

Fav 14 1633 4887
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé

Fav 29 8074 1210
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.

Fav 17 1130 3393
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.

Fav 20 5380 1074
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?

Fav 48 4504 1761
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.

Fav 7 3541 1147
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.

Fav 7 3311 1754
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts

Fav 6 3319 1452
share tweet
(+77): View more from

her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'

Fav 22 7281 1838
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar

Fav 16 1143 4433
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.

Fav 19 7534 1021
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".

Fav 19 7386 1130
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?

Fav 29 10223 1388
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.

Fav 16 4943 2319
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.

Fav 27 9352 3734
share tweet
(909): View more from California

College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.

Fav 50 11462 1333
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.

Fav 91 4665 16956
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.

Fav 30 10806 2117
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.

Fav 25 1156 3717
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage

Fav 8 4046 1227
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face

Fav 55 22260 1884
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.

Fav 33 1375 8777
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo

Fav 38 1120 5025
share tweet
(+64): View more from New Zealand

If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.

Fav 18 5316 1134
share tweet
(858): View more from California

I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal

Fav 8 2316 916
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.

Fav 22 4801 1417
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"

Fav 28 6655 1412
share tweet
(619): View more from California

she peed on how many people?

Fav 23 2285 6280
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it

(917): View more from New York City

the suitcase or the dildo?

Fav 39 10689 2004
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.

Fav 24 10368 2497
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.

(260): View more from Indiana

Sorry- wrong number! :)

Fav 18 1849 5225
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward

Fav 10 6193 1674
share tweet
(661): View more from California

Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds

Fav 13 6752 1063
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.

Fav 26 2256 16877
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.

Fav 14 4903 1231
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.

Fav 25 1969 3587
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported

Fav 7 1861 3106
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.

Fav 33 2018 14231
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

Fav 47 29991 1756
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.

(1-813): View more from Florida

Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.

Fav 90 8435 2049
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.

Fav 12 3958 1392
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

Do they take checks?

(1-606): View more from Kentucky

Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?

Fav 18 5367 2038
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.

Fav 7 3253 1335
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.

Fav 12 2404 1626
share tweet
(707): View more from California

My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."

Fav 52 16748 2244
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

Fav 31 20937 1958
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?

Fav 12 4628 1605
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?

Fav 25 3341 1183
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.

Fav 10 1215 3776
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA

Fav 21 1808 4205
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.

Fav 40 7862 1552
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm

Fav 13 2461 1661
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button

Fav 50 9977 3498
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.

Fav 13 6328 1313
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.

Fav 21 9052 1119
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.

(214): View more from Texas

Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.

(817): View more from Texas

You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.

Fav 35 10992 1774
share tweet
(415): View more from California

I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?

Fav 7 9427 1575
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.

Fav 54 19288 1239
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.

Fav 27 8486 1599
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.

Fav 30 4770 1844
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon

(703): View more from Virginia

she was in a cheetah costume

Fav 13 4924 1284
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

Fav 131 21207 2963
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign

Fav 10 5373 1495
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people

Fav 11 4022 1404
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.

Fav 65 1669 5321
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)

Fav 21 6359 1960
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Fav 20 7493 1936
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)

Fav 5 2764 2077
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.

Fav 21 4227 1540
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple

Fav 11 4519 1258
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.

Fav 14 6137 2208
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet

Fav 6 1198 2598
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND

Fav 11 4387 1270
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.

Fav 22 9105 1247
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

Fav 120 28217 5133
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

Fav 69 28900 3781
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.

Fav 157 32504 1785
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

Fav 71 40823 2204
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

Fav 349 45455 5491
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

Fav 206 46795 4630
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

Fav 111 47671 3212
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

Fav 298 76383 3434
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

Fav 179 88552 4084
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate

Fav 22 8132 1833
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

got weed?

(425): View more from Washington

I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.

(206): View more from Washington

sorry mom...

Fav 157 2636 18430
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.

(719): View more from Colorado

she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.

(414): View more from Wisconsin

are you serious?

Fav 50 1594 19818
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.

Fav 65 1884 20125
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me

Fav 86 1927 24103
share tweet
(323): View more from California

You got in a fight last night?

(818): View more from California

Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

(323): View more from California

Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

Fav 132 9138 24696
share tweet
(323): View more from California

Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?

(1-323): View more from California

We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?

(323): View more from California

Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.

Fav 44 1840 28972
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.

(510): View more from California

YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fav 133 1673 30338
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired

Fav 80 3111 36767
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

Fav 85 4007 40874
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

(1-317): View more from Indiana

He's the fucking cop whisperer.

Fav 25 11789 1403
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.

Fav 20 10093 1190
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."

Fav 16 6519 1254
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

she fell through a window trying to flash someone

Fav 12 4799 1956
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.

Fav 20 8428 1472
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?

Fav 13 3167 1245
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.

Fav 76 1002 7761
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her

Fav 39 6163 1788
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed

Fav 6 1342 3240
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.

Fav 13 6022 1810
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.

Fav 12 6933 1448
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.

(602): View more from Arizona

Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?

Fav 17 6087 1636
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.

Fav 4 6456 1344
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex

Fav 31 5545 950
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.

Fav 13 4577 1674
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.

Fav 36 1280 3386
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?

(1-301): View more from Maryland

hey.....beach week happens

Fav 18 4827 1552
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up

Fav 23 4013 889
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.

Fav 24 1497 7572
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???

Fav 46 2748 18481
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.

Fav 24 8476 1578
share tweet
(+65): View more from

No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.

Fav 20 4900 1397
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend

Fav 15 5617 1131
share tweet
(786): View more from Florida

HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.

Fav 30 7439 1262
share tweet
(831): View more from California

I puked off the balcony.

(1-831): View more from California

Not horrible

(831): View more from California

Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.

Fav 11 2720 9414
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome

Fav 9 5416 1196
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.

Fav 16 4148 2148
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

i want you now

(916): View more from California

you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

Fav 148 8165 70877
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

Two?

(404): View more from Georgia

Two.

Fav 264 5203 80184
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.

Fav 14 4683 1229
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"

Fav 10 3400 1206
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine

Fav 27 6218 1569
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out

(803): View more from South Carolina

youve hit the jackpot

Fav 50 17083 1245
share tweet
(890): View more from

whats a polygalesbian?

(728): View more from

lesbian polygamists..duh.

Fav 4 1469 783
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.

Fav 41 2151 8558
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you

(248): View more from Michigan

Gross. gingers suck

Fav 18 1519 2174
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.

Fav 12 4753 1670
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers

(1-205): View more from Alabama

yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....

Fav 62 11075 1184
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"

Fav 13 1739 9115
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

Fav 225 8818 73996
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.

Fav 11 3714 1809
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.

Fav 17 4252 1123
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.

Fav 26 1081 5578
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

Sacagawea was the original milf.

Fav 39 5534 1220
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.

Fav 27 3146 4860
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.

Fav 26 6413 1214
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.

Fav 34 6520 2697
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.

(212): View more from New York

Please take video.

Fav 13 6833 987
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.

Fav 7 1930 6115
share tweet
(737): View more from Texas

You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?

(1-737): View more from Texas

That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there

(737): View more from Texas

It's my parent's restaurant

Fav 8 1452 3115
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people

Fav 52 1994 1707
share tweet
(323): View more from California

may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.

(818): View more from California

First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.

Fav 41 8111 1094
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on

Fav 12 1294 3034
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.

Fav 30 8490 1406
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.

Fav 11 1361 2243
share tweet
(325): View more from Texas

how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit

Fav 45 5688 1469
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"

Fav 27 7632 1312
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list

Fav 18 5386 1031
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Should I hook up with a slut its your call

(713): View more from Texas

Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.

Fav 18 3252 1404
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!

Fav 17 1717 2741
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.

Fav 21 5485 2202
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad

Fav 15 4939 1121
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings

Fav 13 3324 5246
share tweet
(760): View more from California

Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?

Fav 39 12057 1934
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.

Fav 55 11142 3720
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere

Fav 11 1870 3841
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points

Fav 18 6952 1039
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.

Fav 25 7177 1402
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.

Fav 18 5355 1255
share tweet
(916): View more from California

craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?

Fav 16 8965 1553
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

Fav 48 49310 2812
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

Fav 185 53791 3107
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

Fav 207 53716 3601
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

Fav 202 82806 5242
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.

Fav 23 10268 2753
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.

Fav 32 1688 9260
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.

Fav 10 6168 1260
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.

Fav 18 8004 1554
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch

Fav 78 13028 1232
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Ben's a prick.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

What Ben are you talking about?

(404): View more from Georgia

All the bens across all the lands

Fav 153 3138 2428
share tweet
(760): View more from California

coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.

Fav 14 4323 1593
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center

Fav 14 5683 1602
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

three words: i give head

(770): View more from Georgia

three words: not that well

Fav 65 1698 9018
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.

(1-516): View more from New York

yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.

(516): View more from New York

Do you have to put it that way?

Fav 21 6623 1328
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!

Fav 15 5226 2128
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall

Fav 4 4324 1727
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

Fav 51 17096 1836
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.

Fav 20 7828 1626
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.

Fav 67 8633 2809
share tweet
(530): View more from California

As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.

Fav 22 14761 1538
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.

Fav 38 2021 7674
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.

Fav 23 3904 2395
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?

(217): View more from Illinois

I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.

Fav 14 4043 1937
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

i want to fuck

(320): View more from Minnesota

?

(701): View more from North Dakota

it's pretty self explanatory

Fav 62 7965 1296
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

Fav 156 7732 42055
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.

Fav 88 7764 1702
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

the vacuum is drunk

(703): View more from Virginia

what?

(908): View more from New Jersey

i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk

Fav 17 3099 1076
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.

Fav 51 5454 1228
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking

Fav 27 1361 2977
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was

Fav 15 4236 1645
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.

Fav 14 4925 1737
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time

(972): View more from Texas

i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"

Fav 22 10011 1263
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.

Fav 36 1441 3669
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.

Fav 16 5634 1329
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be

Fav 59 8623 1313
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside

Fav 85 7443 1202
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..

(703): View more from Virginia

this can't be going anywhere good

(571): View more from Virginia

nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\

Fav 197 2433 27504
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.

Fav 24 1538 7253
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

(816): View more from Missouri

that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

Fav 35 13052 1899
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.

Fav 20 4831 1021
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.

Fav 20 1307 6861
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

Fav 16 10634 1513
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.

Fav 10 4241 1548
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.

Fav 23 4338 996
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.

Fav 29 2551 7418
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.

Fav 3 1365 3328
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.

Fav 22 2278 9000
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move

(617): View more from Massachusetts

that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame

Fav 15 7011 1118
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.

Fav 7 3104 1283
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep

Fav 4 3596 1157
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.

(919): View more from North Carolina

That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.

Fav 7 1475 5582
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore

Fav 17 2723 6671
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me

Fav 13 1673 4223
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night

(1-404): View more from Georgia

haha good one..how did you even know?

(404): View more from Georgia

we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.

Fav 46 5532 1812
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

Fav 35 15844 1930
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

Fav 63 59915 1927
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

Fav 436 57263 7326
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

Fav 54 75101 3013
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

Fav 510 88716 9690
share tweet
(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

Fav 304 104255 6834
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true

Fav 414 106505 10573
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

Fav 127 131173 3916
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.

Fav 7 3571 1229
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.

Fav 12 1434 5582
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.

Fav 15 5741 1908
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?

Fav 54 10585 1522
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

she said she was living bicuriously through me.

Fav 14 4323 1316
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.

Fav 7 4459 1119
share tweet