Texts From Last Night · ar4110's Favorites

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ar4110's Favorites Texts:

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(843): View more from South Carolina

i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex

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(602): View more from Arizona

You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink

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(540): View more from Virginia

come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol

(540): View more from Virginia

its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now

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(516): View more from New York

you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.

(1-516): View more from New York

right. well we all have our lows.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.

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(757): View more from Virginia

shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas

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(585): View more from New York

We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.

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(518): View more from New York

Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.

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(941): View more from Florida

thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays

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(316): View more from Kansas

This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today

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(330): View more from Ohio

The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.

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(801): View more from Utah

If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...

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(217): View more from Illinois

Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty

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(231): View more from Michigan

I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs

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(516): View more from New York

You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.

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(516): View more from New York

I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines

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(515): View more from Iowa

oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer

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(248): View more from Michigan

he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis

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(503): View more from Oregon

We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room

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(512): View more from Texas

If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.

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(415): View more from California

Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

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(720): View more from Colorado

Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids

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(626): View more from California

Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.

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(425): View more from Washington

Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?

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(307): View more from Wyoming

All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why

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(315): View more from New York

I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time

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(347): View more from New York

today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud

(917): View more from New York City

it's sad that this is a milestone

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....

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(845): View more from New York

I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.

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(716): View more from New York

I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.

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(801): View more from Utah

He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers

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(518): View more from New York

I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day

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(607): View more from New York

no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.

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(845): View more from New York

i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out

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(419): View more from Ohio

Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.

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(815): View more from Illinois

just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.

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(713): View more from Texas

I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups

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(949): View more from California

i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day

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(650): View more from California

i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.

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(248): View more from Michigan

i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.

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(718): View more from New York

He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.

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(949): View more from California

Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.

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(904): View more from Florida

I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.

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(720): View more from Colorado

You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.

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(909): View more from California

I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine

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(810): View more from Michigan

He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.

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(425): View more from Washington

Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me

(1-425): View more from Washington

Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.

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(519): View more from Ontario

so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.

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(503): View more from Oregon

His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments

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(404): View more from Georgia

He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.

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(607): View more from New York

We can grow old together and our livers can fail together

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(301): View more from Maryland

I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables

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(517): View more from Michigan

found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.

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(970): View more from Colorado

There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...

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(206): View more from Washington

Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym

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(248): View more from Michigan

I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Totally get that.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...

(413): View more from Massachusetts

how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers

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(850): View more from Florida

I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.

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(740): View more from Ohio

he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.

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(480): View more from Arizona

he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is

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(503): View more from Oregon

The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck

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(575): View more from New Mexico

Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.

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(305): View more from Florida

I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him

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(865): View more from Tennessee

She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".

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(864): View more from South Carolina

If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...

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(818): View more from California

We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier

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(204): View more from Manitoba

She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL

(609): View more from New Jersey

dude. stop pregaming the food network.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair

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(509): View more from Washington

I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?

(1-509): View more from Washington

talent.

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(707): View more from California

Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....

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(516): View more from New York

I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen

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(515): View more from Iowa

I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...

(316): View more from Kansas

Just the budget?

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(443): View more from Maryland

We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?

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(435): View more from Utah

this will be a night to untag.

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(206): View more from Washington

woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night

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(912): View more from Georgia

So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.

(1-912): View more from Georgia

Who leaves their car unlocked at night?

(912): View more from Georgia

Someone who wants to read the newspaper.

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(785): View more from Kansas

i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks

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(516): View more from New York

Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor

(248): View more from Michigan

Its my greatest physical accomplishment

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(972): View more from Texas

My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.

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(450): View more from Quebec

I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life

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(229): View more from Georgia

He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.

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(248): View more from Michigan

To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....

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(516): View more from New York

the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY

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(901): View more from Tennessee

i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life

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(706): View more from Georgia

This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.

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(618): View more from Illinois

You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs

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(605): View more from South Dakota

dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.

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(407): View more from Florida

I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city

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(419): View more from Ohio

I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game

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(515): View more from Iowa

Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex

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(347): View more from New York

just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner

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(678): View more from Georgia

Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.

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(256): View more from Alabama

you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

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(973): View more from New Jersey

just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

this is really not the time to pretend we have morals

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(619): View more from California

I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night

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(703): View more from Virginia

We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.

(540): View more from Virginia

You guys make me sad

(703): View more from Virginia

You misspelled jealous there

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(519): View more from Ontario

Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.

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(513): View more from Ohio

He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship

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(630): View more from Illinois

Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.

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(416): View more from Toronto

i flashed his best friends last night

(1-416): View more from Toronto

you always were good at making good first impressions

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(254): View more from Texas

that's what penises do

(254): View more from Texas

they tell lies.

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(817): View more from Texas

Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day

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(410): View more from Maryland

There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Absence makes the cock grow harder.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.

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(770): View more from Georgia

it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there

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(207): View more from Maine

you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang

(917): View more from New York City

really making moves this morning i see

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(641): View more from Iowa

is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.

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(516): View more from New York

no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"

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(816): View more from Missouri

After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."

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(806): View more from Texas

You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

(1-806): View more from Texas

Best pick-up line ever!

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(817): View more from Texas

Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions

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(903): View more from Texas

The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.

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(789): View more from

If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.

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(916): View more from California

Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.

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(253): View more from Washington

Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk

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(925): View more from California

My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive

(510): View more from California

wats the point then?

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(303): View more from Colorado

Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.

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(516): View more from New York

The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.

(917): View more from New York City

me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.

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(850): View more from Florida

All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog

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(301): View more from Maryland

White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.

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(904): View more from Florida

Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.

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(925): View more from California

don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement

(510): View more from California

big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.

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(210): View more from Texas

drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend

(1-210): View more from Texas

I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.

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(561): View more from Florida

definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?

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(248): View more from Michigan

So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore

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(802): View more from Vermont

I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.

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(518): View more from New York

I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.

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(330): View more from Ohio

fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"

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(703): View more from Virginia

All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"

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(925): View more from California

I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible

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(707): View more from California

why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.

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(207): View more from Maine

I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.

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(314): View more from Missouri

shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I honestly don't know what to make of that.

(423): View more from Tennessee

A ham sandwich would be nice.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.

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(716): View more from New York

One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.

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(740): View more from Ohio

you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.

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(631): View more from New York

Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.

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(775): View more from Nevada

she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward

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(260): View more from Indiana

Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

like hot dogs and buns.

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(509): View more from Washington

if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates

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(419): View more from Ohio

We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball

(419): View more from Ohio

And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity

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(630): View more from Illinois

We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds

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(540): View more from Virginia

Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations

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(313): View more from Michigan

The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.

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(954): View more from Florida

I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.

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(573): View more from Missouri

just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch

(636): View more from Missouri

Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?

(573): View more from Missouri

IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation

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(973): View more from New Jersey

A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.

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(804): View more from Virginia

you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning

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(650): View more from California

Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.

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(909): View more from California

and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I can't believe he cheated

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Is he smart?

(1-952): View more from Minnesota

Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.

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(805): View more from California

before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates

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(540): View more from Virginia

I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes

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(908): View more from New Jersey

bl l w

(201): View more from New Jersey

this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.

(302): View more from Delaware

You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.

(865): View more from Tennessee

They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

it's like her boobs came off with her bra

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(847): View more from Illinois

as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?

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(516): View more from New York

I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.

(504): View more from Louisiana

Who won?

(225): View more from Louisiana

All of them.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.

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(773): View more from Illinois

will power is for people who don't want to get laid

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(716): View more from New York

i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?

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(315): View more from New York

idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.

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(586): View more from Michigan

No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.

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(253): View more from Washington

i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?

(203): View more from Connecticut

bc i get to see you. naked.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.

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(714): View more from California

when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow

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(917): View more from New York City

Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'

(973): View more from New Jersey

Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.

(229): View more from Georgia

Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(770): View more from Georgia

His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.

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(303): View more from Colorado

New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.

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(905): View more from Ontario

i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

i think i left my bra at your place

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate

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(985): View more from Louisiana

If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.

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(607): View more from New York

The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers

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(214): View more from Texas

A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all

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(757): View more from Virginia

seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with

(703): View more from Virginia

Well said.

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(845): View more from New York

so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date

(845): View more from New York

i guess it runs in the family.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her

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(+82): View more from South Korea

You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.

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(434): View more from Virginia

Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.

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(817): View more from Texas

HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

we've started having sober sex

(203): View more from Connecticut

you really do like him

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(419): View more from Ohio

Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.

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(209): View more from California

I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.

(859): View more from Kentucky

Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team

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(518): View more from New York

he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday

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(208): View more from Idaho

I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across

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(765): View more from Indiana

let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.

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(618): View more from Illinois

It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.

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(954): View more from Florida

If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.

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(315): View more from New York

Hello wreck, this is your train calling.

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(419): View more from Ohio

you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you

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(404): View more from Georgia

you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I don't know where I am but there are firefighters

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(515): View more from Iowa

You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.

(1-515): View more from Iowa

Deal!

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(609): View more from New Jersey

It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.

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(224): View more from Illinois

She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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(323): View more from California

Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.

(571): View more from Virginia

was that a mass text??

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(260): View more from Indiana

Vodka is such a love hate relationship.

(661): View more from California

Truer words have never been spoken.

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(530): View more from California

There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them

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(860): View more from Connecticut

he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.

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(817): View more from Texas

you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"

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(613): View more from Ontario

ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

You should've just screamed yes we can!

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(540): View more from Virginia

he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.

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(334): View more from Alabama

This hangover is way worse than all my relationships

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.

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(949): View more from California

if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous

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(989): View more from Michigan

i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.

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(979): View more from Texas

You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands

(713): View more from Texas

When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things

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(404): View more from Georgia

I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.

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(623): View more from Arizona

I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.

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(714): View more from California

Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.

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(907): View more from Alaska

My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.

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(217): View more from Illinois

It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

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(949): View more from California

You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend

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(859): View more from Kentucky

i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes

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(518): View more from New York

She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.

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(585): View more from New York

the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please

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(806): View more from Texas

If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut

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(707): View more from California

I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month

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(970): View more from Colorado

ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(904): View more from Florida

I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.

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(217): View more from Illinois

i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?

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(810): View more from Michigan

can I come stay the night

(217): View more from Illinois

yeah, but no sex tonight

(810): View more from Michigan

I'll stay home

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home

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(314): View more from Missouri

When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..

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(410): View more from Maryland

I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out

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(916): View more from California

This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here

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(352): View more from Florida

Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes

(1-352): View more from Florida

I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.

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(314): View more from Missouri

There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.

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(810): View more from Michigan

i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.

(608): View more from Wisconsin

Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.

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(386): View more from Florida

it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.

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(954): View more from Florida

I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa

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(919): View more from North Carolina

just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe

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(847): View more from Illinois

So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.

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(519): View more from Ontario

her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs

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(813): View more from Florida

I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?

(910): View more from North Carolina

succeeding

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(831): View more from California

she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.

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(661): View more from California

He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with

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(304): View more from West Virginia

His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with

(217): View more from Illinois

well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

well i fucked her too, so yes.

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(404): View more from Georgia

A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds

(404): View more from Georgia

She started it, but I totally finished it.

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(571): View more from Virginia

You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Darwin at his finest.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...

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(951): View more from California

I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal

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(214): View more from Texas

herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.

(1-214): View more from Texas

ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.

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(517): View more from Michigan

You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.

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(520): View more from Arizona

I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.

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(817): View more from Texas

Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you

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(440): View more from Ohio

We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.

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(850): View more from Florida

some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.

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(970): View more from Colorado

the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".

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(845): View more from New York

Because ur a stupid bitch

(1-845): View more from New York

Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.

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(845): View more from New York

i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Clothes are such an inconvenience.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?

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(913): View more from Kansas

You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #

(816): View more from Missouri

ah tequila...

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(330): View more from Ohio

I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."

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(647): View more from Ontario

Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night

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(910): View more from North Carolina

This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police

(616): View more from Michigan

What?!?

(810): View more from Michigan

What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police

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(630): View more from Illinois

My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.

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(587): View more from Alberta

His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?

(780): View more from Alberta, CA

You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?

(587): View more from Alberta

She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.

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(515): View more from Iowa

It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..

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(585): View more from New York

This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.

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(802): View more from Vermont

you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk

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(707): View more from California

My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."

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(210): View more from Texas

I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.

(512): View more from Texas

There are margaritas in the freezer still.

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(904): View more from Florida

Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.

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(940): View more from Texas

The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.

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(650): View more from California

Is it normal to miss your booty call?

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(410): View more from Maryland

i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.

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(574): View more from Indiana

I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

wakey wakey hands off snakey

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(256): View more from Alabama

I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

bring money and cleavage

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(513): View more from Ohio

So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.

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(818): View more from California

my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b

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(402): View more from Nebraska

your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me

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(260): View more from Indiana

Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.

(219): View more from Indiana

You said that last year...

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??

(713): View more from Texas

Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete

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(303): View more from Colorado

just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.

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(818): View more from California

we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes

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(813): View more from Florida

For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me

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(407): View more from Florida

I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.

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(207): View more from Maine

It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..

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(813): View more from Florida

he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"

(305): View more from Florida

does that mean he doesn't last long?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.

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(858): View more from California

Life is so much better after having sex.

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(812): View more from Indiana

The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(618): View more from Illinois

I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?

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(914): View more from New York

i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best

(1-773): View more from Illinois

that's your solution for everything

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest

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(516): View more from New York

its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved

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(757): View more from Virginia

it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.

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(410): View more from Maryland

He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

True romance of the 21st century.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

his penis was the training wheels of my sex life

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover

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(450): View more from Quebec

I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...

(450): View more from Quebec

On that note, do I have a rule?

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(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.

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(702): View more from Nevada

You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.

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(850): View more from Florida

You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.

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(708): View more from Illinois

She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?

(1-502): View more from Kentucky

eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(609): View more from New Jersey

how was your night?

(212): View more from New York

well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?

(1-920): View more from Wisconsin

no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?

(920): View more from Wisconsin

he wasn't. neither were you.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra

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(802): View more from Vermont

Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?

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(916): View more from California

ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis

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(410): View more from Maryland

when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink

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(469): View more from Texas

I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.

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(631): View more from New York

she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?

(516): View more from New York

nope.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.

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(847): View more from Illinois

We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life

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(626): View more from California

a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms

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(330): View more from Ohio

All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.

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(917): View more from New York City

Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut

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(905): View more from Ontario

He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.

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(434): View more from Virginia

NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.

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(248): View more from Michigan

When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.

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(650): View more from California

You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.

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(207): View more from Maine

guess who has a date tonight

(401): View more from Rhode Island

look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.

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(706): View more from Georgia

He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer

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(575): View more from New Mexico

The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.

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(301): View more from Maryland

look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.

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(928): View more from Arizona

We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in

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(519): View more from Ontario

Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.

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(530): View more from California

my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

who'd you have sex with.

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(518): View more from New York

idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever

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(317): View more from Indiana

so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.

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(905): View more from Toronto

I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater

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(281): View more from Texas

Thanks for getting me home last night.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.

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(234): View more from Ohio

No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.

(387): View more from

I don't know what to judge you more for.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?

(917): View more from New York City

what kind of party is this?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

the best kind ever

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole

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(716): View more from New York

once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party

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(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

(713): View more from Texas

lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

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(305): View more from Florida

we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

That's the best idea I've heard all day.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"

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(360): View more from Washington

he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

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(310): View more from California

You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser

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(954): View more from Florida

thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.

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(720): View more from Colorado

she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod

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(440): View more from Ohio

he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.

(416): View more from Toronto

Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm

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(410): View more from Maryland

what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?

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(706): View more from Georgia

I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.

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(801): View more from Utah

He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".

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(319): View more from Iowa

Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors

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(716): View more from New York

Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!

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(630): View more from Illinois

Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?

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(845): View more from New York

I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"

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(512): View more from Texas

someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP

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(210): View more from Texas

happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.

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(317): View more from Indiana

sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"

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(858): View more from California

this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

And that worked?

(919): View more from North Carolina

9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.

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(518): View more from New York

i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again

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(973): View more from New Jersey

he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.

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(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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(+52): View more from Mexico

that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.

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(586): View more from Michigan

there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.

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(314): View more from Missouri

In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major

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(309): View more from Illinois

it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest

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(313): View more from Michigan

How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...

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(943): View more from

You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka

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(775): View more from Nevada

Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.

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(614): View more from Ohio

The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

A simple 'no' would have sufficed

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(217): View more from Illinois

i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Clearly I made an impression.

(404): View more from Georgia

Or at least your vagina did.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?

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(847): View more from Illinois

2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.

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(360): View more from Washington

I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...

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(206): View more from Washington

And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".

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(703): View more from Virginia

I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense

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(706): View more from Georgia

Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever

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(815): View more from Illinois

Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.

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(419): View more from Ohio

A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.

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(509): View more from Washington

I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics

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(770): View more from Georgia

I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off

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(419): View more from Ohio

My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.

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(718): View more from New York

You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?

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(614): View more from Ohio

True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long

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(315): View more from New York

I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

it's 1 pm.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me

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(404): View more from Georgia

If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."

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(614): View more from Ohio

It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.

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(630): View more from Illinois

you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?

(856): View more from New Jersey

Right after we had the just friends talk..

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(314): View more from Missouri

Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.

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(816): View more from Missouri

You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"

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(909): View more from California

why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?

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(513): View more from Ohio

Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm so glad i pay social security

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(239): View more from Florida

just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one

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(870): View more from Arkansas

This bar receipt from last night makes no sense

(573): View more from Missouri

You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total

(870): View more from Arkansas

I wish that would've worked

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(407): View more from Florida

sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?

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(404): View more from Georgia

my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.

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(631): View more from New York

what you doin?

(516): View more from New York

I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?

(631): View more from New York

reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life

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(805): View more from California

Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.

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(765): View more from Indiana

There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.

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(209): View more from California

You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter

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(415): View more from California

There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs

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(847): View more from Illinois

you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.

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(205): View more from Alabama

just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together

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(816): View more from Missouri

If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was

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(415): View more from California

the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication

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(316): View more from Kansas

i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.

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(951): View more from California

Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You know how to spell recollection?

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(352): View more from Florida

Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.

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(+65): View more from

He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?

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(813): View more from Florida

How am I a tease?

(1-813): View more from Florida

Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.

(813): View more from Florida

ONLY PART OF IT.

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(319): View more from Iowa

By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit

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(251): View more from Alabama

you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

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(312): View more from Illinois

dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.

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(708): View more from Illinois

eww mummy girl is here...

(931): View more from Tennessee

what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.

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(303): View more from Colorado

It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.

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(785): View more from Kansas

last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.

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(757): View more from Virginia

We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?

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(208): View more from Idaho

I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial

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(812): View more from Indiana

i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic

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(310): View more from California

So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame

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(716): View more from New York

God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.

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(248): View more from Michigan

At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...

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(302): View more from Delaware

Who goes to Church hungover

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk

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(661): View more from California

i wish semen tasted like chocolate

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(907): View more from Alaska

Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.

(1-907): View more from Alaska

Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Damn. That makes sense

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?

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(614): View more from Ohio

you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

no, didnt close...

(978): View more from Massachusetts

What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.

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(585): View more from New York

you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish

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(313): View more from Michigan

The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car

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(864): View more from South Carolina

If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

(828): View more from North Carolina

Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

(864): View more from South Carolina

Previous statement retracted.

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(941): View more from Florida

still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.

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(513): View more from Ohio

NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...

(1-513): View more from Ohio

God I fucking love America.

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(323): View more from California

hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.

(323): View more from California

to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.

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(858): View more from California

You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight

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(828): View more from North Carolina

if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening

(508): View more from Massachusetts

yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night

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(714): View more from California

I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

(949): View more from California

I gave it to your brother to give to you.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.

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(769): View more from Mississippi

she said she likes her vagina punished

(1-769): View more from Mississippi

being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough

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(706): View more from Georgia

I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.

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(586): View more from Michigan

You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?

(1-586): View more from Michigan

You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.

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(256): View more from Alabama

my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table

(1-256): View more from Alabama

whatd she say to you?

(256): View more from Alabama

no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

its not stalking. its research.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin

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(520): View more from Arizona

But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.

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(407): View more from Florida

We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.

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(425): View more from Washington

So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.

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(251): View more from Alabama

Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?

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(216): View more from Ohio

Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.

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(917): View more from New York City

its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?

(1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry

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(337): View more from Louisiana

we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches

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(231): View more from Michigan

we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers

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(425): View more from Washington

i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

school has made you so classy.

(514): View more from Quebec

that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

watch out for the queen of hearts

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

fuucck i forgot ab her

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(810): View more from Michigan

That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.

(810): View more from Michigan

I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.

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(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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(205): View more from Alabama

Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook

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(917): View more from New York City

we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.

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(707): View more from California

get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...

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(616): View more from Michigan

Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.

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(917): View more from New York City

Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that

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(240): View more from Maryland

There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.

(443): View more from Maryland

So glad I found your sister.

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(847): View more from Illinois

A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college

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(908): View more from New Jersey

this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...

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(601): View more from Mississippi

you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.

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(850): View more from Florida

how was your day?

(404): View more from Georgia

fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?

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(410): View more from Maryland

Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This is sufficient.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

suggestion: become a stripper.

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(512): View more from Texas

he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before

(806): View more from Texas

he probably also told you he thought u were pretty

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened

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(502): View more from Kentucky

he fucked me so hard my future children felt it

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(631): View more from New York

i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.

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(206): View more from Washington

He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom

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(516): View more from New York

you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.

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(708): View more from Illinois

so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.

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(310): View more from California

dude i need help, im throwing up blood.

(323): View more from California

no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.

(310): View more from California

oh, so thats why my junks red.

(323): View more from California

wow. cant help you there...

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(205): View more from Alabama

Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?

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(678): View more from Georgia

I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.

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(217): View more from Illinois

you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot

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(212): View more from New York

ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

(1-212): View more from New York

this is Aaron, hi

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.

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(205): View more from Alabama

We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.

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(368): View more from

you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent

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(858): View more from California

I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.

(619): View more from California

you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS

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(231): View more from Michigan

my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring

(989): View more from Michigan

i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.

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