Texts From Last Night · adrianaopolis's Favorites

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adrianaopolis's Favorites Texts:

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(269): View more from Michigan

I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊

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(714): View more from California

Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy

(1-714): View more from California

He wasn't prepared for it

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(206): View more from Washington

I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't want my vagina anymore.

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(716): View more from New York

Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..

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(914): View more from New York

At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....

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(518): View more from New York

Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?

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(208): View more from Idaho

Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.

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(224): View more from Illinois

I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.

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(310): View more from California

If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I would rather suck a dick or two than go there

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(347): View more from New York

every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.

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(706): View more from Georgia

& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?

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(205): View more from Alabama

And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.

(251): View more from Alabama

Isn't that our default mode?

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(480): View more from Arizona

Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing

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(916): View more from California

Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.

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(214): View more from Texas

Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?

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(518): View more from New York

is that a dick in a sweater?

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(347): View more from New York

i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.

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(630): View more from Illinois

We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.

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(425): View more from Washington

My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?

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(410): View more from Maryland

He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."

(410): View more from Maryland

I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.

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(937): View more from Ohio

The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.

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(360): View more from Washington

You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights

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(425): View more from Washington

Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.

(425): View more from Washington

Sleeping with just one person sucks

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world

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(216): View more from Ohio

Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.

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(509): View more from Washington

Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..

(360): View more from Washington

Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.

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(406): View more from Montana

He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS

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(707): View more from California

We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.

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(845): View more from New York

Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick

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(704): View more from North Carolina

My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now

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(530): View more from California

i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I'm experimenting with sincerity

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(586): View more from Michigan

Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.

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(801): View more from Utah

I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me

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(443): View more from Maryland

My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Your life is quite full of dick lately.

(1-704): View more from North Carolina

It really is!

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(443): View more from Maryland

Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.

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(310): View more from California

That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch

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(516): View more from New York

Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman

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(951): View more from California

diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit

(978): View more from Massachusetts

no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.

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(587): View more from Alberta

The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am

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(916): View more from California

Were you citizens arresting people again last night?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again

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(213): View more from California

Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.

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(571): View more from Virginia

He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm drunk at 3:28

(816): View more from Missouri

I'm jealous as shit at 3:34

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(850): View more from Florida

He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants

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(330): View more from Ohio

Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?

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(323): View more from California

Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"

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(760): View more from California

If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies

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(705): View more from Ontario

He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.

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(607): View more from New York

I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.

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(801): View more from Utah

Come camping we have xanax and steaks

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(325): View more from Texas

So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.

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(631): View more from New York

That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say

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(612): View more from Minnesota

This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.

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(703): View more from Virginia

We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time

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(216): View more from Ohio

I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex

(216): View more from Ohio

Never mind I found pizza just bring sex

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(719): View more from Colorado

Our relationship needs a sober moment

(1-719): View more from Colorado

I'll call you when that happens

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(574): View more from Indiana

he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog

(1-574): View more from Indiana

knight in shining armor

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.

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(816): View more from Missouri

And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.

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(847): View more from Illinois

We will walk in fields of dick.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.

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(801): View more from Utah

So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.

(702): View more from Nevada

No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.

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(360): View more from Washington

Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants

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(708): View more from Illinois

BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY

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(605): View more from South Dakota

but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...

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(315): View more from New York

This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand

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(347): View more from New York

Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible

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(954): View more from Florida

I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I have suspicion of morning wood.

(281): View more from Texas

How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?

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(970): View more from Colorado

Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.

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(623): View more from Arizona

He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha

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(303): View more from Colorado

pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?

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(716): View more from New York

He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.

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(718): View more from New York

I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.

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(208): View more from Idaho

He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.

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(714): View more from California

Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent

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(880): View more from

And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?

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(757): View more from Virginia

Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.

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(925): View more from California

I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.

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(706): View more from Georgia

He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.

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(831): View more from California

I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke

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(817): View more from Texas

Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.

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(727): View more from Florida

I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge

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(574): View more from Indiana

she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley

(502): View more from Kentucky

C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow

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(464): View more from Illinois

He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.

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(352): View more from Florida

I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media

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(425): View more from Washington

Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.

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(727): View more from Florida

all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was

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(714): View more from California

Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.

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(514): View more from Quebec

When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with

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(512): View more from Texas

Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

She needs sedatives and a leash

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?

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(954): View more from Florida

Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.

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(260): View more from Indiana

My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.

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(260): View more from Indiana

He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.

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(916): View more from California

I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake

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(315): View more from New York

That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW

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(512): View more from Texas

He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear

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(714): View more from California

I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.

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(214): View more from Texas

My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Get your penis over here NOW. emergency

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going

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(705): View more from Ontario

you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"

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(850): View more from Florida

You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..

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(813): View more from Florida

The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.

(1-813): View more from Florida

What? How can you say that? You won!

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.

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(425): View more from Washington

I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex

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(650): View more from California

Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?

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(810): View more from Michigan

He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

And the results, officer?

(401): View more from Rhode Island

She's fucked.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.

(604): View more from British Columbia

I go down on you because abs

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(808): View more from Hawaii

I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls

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(214): View more from Texas

Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea

(214): View more from Texas

WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.

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(928): View more from Arizona

So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time

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(352): View more from Florida

Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS

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(765): View more from Indiana

So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.

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(708): View more from Illinois

This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.

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(903): View more from Texas

Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone

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(812): View more from Indiana

That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only

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(703): View more from Virginia

I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.

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(810): View more from Michigan

if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.

(616): View more from Michigan

is that what this stuff is?

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(210): View more from Texas

He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with

(1-210): View more from Texas

You went over didnt you?

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(214): View more from Texas

Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl

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(760): View more from California

I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody

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(419): View more from Ohio

Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited

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(440): View more from Ohio

If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands

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(720): View more from Colorado

Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.

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(416): View more from Toronto

You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on

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(419): View more from Ohio

She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.

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(616): View more from Michigan

do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.

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(772): View more from Florida

I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.

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(914): View more from New York

DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm too stoned to come over for sex

(813): View more from Florida

Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock

(727): View more from Florida

I'll be right over

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(210): View more from Texas

If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.

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(352): View more from Florida

As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.

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(347): View more from New York

then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place

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(562): View more from California

I bought something for you today. You'll love it.

(909): View more from California

What is it? Drugs?

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(714): View more from California

I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.

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(619): View more from California

I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.

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(616): View more from Michigan

time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?

(1-616): View more from Michigan

we need a secret handshake

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(856): View more from New Jersey

He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority

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(927): View more from

Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.

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(620): View more from Kansas

Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron

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(949): View more from California

And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."

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(218): View more from Minnesota

It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.

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(386): View more from Florida

I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion

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(615): View more from Tennessee

It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.

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(520): View more from Arizona

i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.

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(914): View more from New York

Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk

(1-914): View more from New York

It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you

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(845): View more from New York

alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?

(1-218): View more from Minnesota

Both?

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(518): View more from New York

September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location

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(630): View more from Illinois

I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Well how do you think I feel

(860): View more from Connecticut

fair enough

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(314): View more from Missouri

just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old

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(513): View more from Ohio

You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.

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(510): View more from California

On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I love boston

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(402): View more from Nebraska

she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.

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(206): View more from Washington

If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....

(732): View more from New Jersey

This explains a lot.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

we've started having sober sex

(203): View more from Connecticut

you really do like him

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(303): View more from Colorado

just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals

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(361): View more from Texas

Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?

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(614): View more from Ohio

can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?

(740): View more from Ohio

bitches.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.

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(509): View more from Washington

I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.

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(641): View more from Iowa

Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"

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(716): View more from New York

We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.

(907): View more from Alaska

well done

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(818): View more from California

So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice

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(216): View more from Ohio

somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

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(646): View more from New York

I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style

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(203): View more from Connecticut

We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.

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(256): View more from Alabama

No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night

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(308): View more from Nebraska

and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs

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(614): View more from Ohio

I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.

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(631): View more from New York

I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!

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(970): View more from Colorado

I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.

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(618): View more from Illinois

We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Everybody was literally kung fu fighting

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(518): View more from New York

4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.

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(914): View more from New York

Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS

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(540): View more from Virginia

I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.

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(217): View more from Illinois

you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

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(661): View more from California

I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me

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(605): View more from South Dakota

We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.

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(416): View more from Toronto

He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n

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(801): View more from Utah

I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high

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(818): View more from California

I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff

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(305): View more from Florida

I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.

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(845): View more from New York

Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.

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(434): View more from Virginia

He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.

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(256): View more from Alabama

you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Ask politely.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Thats good enough.

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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(972): View more from Texas

some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

he said i'm too pretty to suck penis

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(714): View more from California

I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

(949): View more from California

I gave it to your brother to give to you.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.

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(972): View more from Texas

I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.

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(734): View more from Michigan

i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

what was she crying about?

(734): View more from Michigan

i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.

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(619): View more from California

My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"

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(816): View more from Missouri

You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"

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(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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(765): View more from Indiana

He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"

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(206): View more from Washington

You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..

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(630): View more from Illinois

She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep

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(647): View more from Ontario

You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

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(757): View more from Virginia

He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it

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(863): View more from Florida

If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need

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(248): View more from Michigan

I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.

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(641): View more from Iowa

They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch

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(510): View more from California

I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy

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(201): View more from New Jersey

just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it

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(443): View more from Maryland

sorry I blacked out our whole relationship

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(812): View more from Indiana

A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?

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(916): View more from California

Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.

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(310): View more from California

I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing

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(360): View more from Washington

Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.

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(253): View more from Washington

I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.

(703): View more from Virginia

I want to have sex with him.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.

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(650): View more from California

So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm okay with that.

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(+33): View more from France

I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.

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(248): View more from Michigan

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

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(636): View more from Missouri

Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.

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(417): View more from Missouri

ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon

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(330): View more from Ohio

Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.

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(661): View more from California

the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(214): View more from Texas

MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.

(214): View more from Texas

SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.

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(971): View more from Oregon

you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON

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(415): View more from California

We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home

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(503): View more from Oregon

how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?

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(813): View more from Florida

Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour

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(218): View more from Minnesota

At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?

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(727): View more from Florida

I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I have never encountered a chode in the wild

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.

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(949): View more from California

so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment

(214): View more from Texas

yah I won't allow him in my apartment

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming

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(847): View more from Illinois

Did you fuck him in my garden last night?

(1-847): View more from Illinois

That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina

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(406): View more from Montana

I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!

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(801): View more from Utah

Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.

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(334): View more from Alabama

i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"

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(303): View more from Colorado

you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.

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(850): View more from Florida

I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?

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(386): View more from Florida

New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.

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(316): View more from Kansas

You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?

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(630): View more from Illinois

I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me

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(716): View more from New York

I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does

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(513): View more from Ohio

Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?

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(925): View more from California

You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.

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(207): View more from Maine

I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that

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(312): View more from Illinois

He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!

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(505): View more from New Mexico

You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens

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(609): View more from New Jersey

My vag hurts but I feel vindicated

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

That is an interesting emotion combo

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(205): View more from Alabama

You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?

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(205): View more from Alabama

So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated

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(519): View more from Ontario

I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.

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(530): View more from California

I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.

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(804): View more from Virginia

We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.

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(209): View more from California

High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex

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(248): View more from Michigan

How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time

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(217): View more from Illinois

I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.

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(206): View more from Washington

Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help

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(713): View more from Texas

Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.

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(416): View more from Toronto

no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after

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(423): View more from Tennessee

His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed

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(765): View more from Indiana

I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

No this is saxophone Chris

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(650): View more from California

Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here

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(406): View more from Montana

We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.

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(951): View more from California

You danced?!

(714): View more from California

I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp

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(209): View more from California

I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat

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(770): View more from Georgia

ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!

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(631): View more from New York

I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"

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(909): View more from California

No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back

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(319): View more from Iowa

I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise

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(307): View more from Wyoming

We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.

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(757): View more from Virginia

My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team

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(406): View more from Montana

WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.

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(928): View more from Arizona

He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"

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(281): View more from Texas

We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.

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(216): View more from Ohio

it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.

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(251): View more from Alabama

It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.

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(712): View more from Iowa

I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.

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(302): View more from Delaware

my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close

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(407): View more from Florida

It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?

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(708): View more from Illinois

Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.

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(415): View more from California

Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight

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(613): View more from Ontario

How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?

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(813): View more from Florida

Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?

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(917): View more from New York City

Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.

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(907): View more from Alaska

First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)

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(905): View more from Ontario

I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"

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(443): View more from Maryland

I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos

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(740): View more from Ohio

How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.

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(585): View more from New York

I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME

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(518): View more from New York

I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP

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(734): View more from Michigan

I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.

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(807): View more from Ontario

I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?

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(714): View more from California

At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.

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(773): View more from Illinois

You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.

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(863): View more from Florida

So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.

(1-863): View more from Florida

You're a fucking train wreck.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"

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(630): View more from Illinois

Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake

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(317): View more from Indiana

Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?

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(315): View more from New York

we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"

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(586): View more from Michigan

He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.

(248): View more from Michigan

Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?

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(931): View more from Tennessee

He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you

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(518): View more from New York

I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"

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(707): View more from California

Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer

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(309): View more from Illinois

Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)

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(212): View more from New York

You're the only person not starstruck by him

(302): View more from Delaware

Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Coming to you live from the floor of my office..

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(540): View more from Virginia

NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD

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(210): View more from Texas

I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...

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(519): View more from Ontario

can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong

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(240): View more from Maryland

How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.

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(949): View more from California

Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.

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(352): View more from Florida

Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.

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(607): View more from New York

Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer

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(419): View more from Ohio

I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.

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(816): View more from Missouri

It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Whore are you.

(301): View more from Maryland

Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Yes.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.

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(815): View more from Illinois

You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.

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(972): View more from Texas

I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.

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(530): View more from California

So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"

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(+61): View more from Australia

Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.

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(519): View more from Ontario

She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".

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(585): View more from New York

Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.

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(475): View more from Connecticut

So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for

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(816): View more from Missouri

Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.

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(813): View more from Florida

So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on

(226): View more from Ontario

Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see

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(203): View more from Connecticut

It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.

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(914): View more from New York

can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?

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(404): View more from Georgia

I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave

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(208): View more from Idaho

He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in

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(510): View more from California

This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?

(925): View more from California

Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.

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(281): View more from Texas

I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"

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(319): View more from Iowa

I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face

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(512): View more from Texas

scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.

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(305): View more from Florida

I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.

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(519): View more from Ontario

My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole

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(207): View more from Maine

Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?

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(802): View more from Vermont

I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.

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(312): View more from Illinois

You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.

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(+34): View more from Spain

Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.

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(510): View more from California

I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude

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(712): View more from Iowa

When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot

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(630): View more from Illinois

Of course I have a pirate flag

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(830): View more from Texas

A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.

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(903): View more from Texas

His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.

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(914): View more from New York

The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.

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(281): View more from Texas

Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse

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(502): View more from Kentucky

He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly

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(760): View more from California

I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.

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(240): View more from Maryland

You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.

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(916): View more from California

Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"

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(406): View more from Montana

I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.

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(541): View more from Oregon

its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God

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(314): View more from Missouri

I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it

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(949): View more from California

i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot

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(518): View more from New York

We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.

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(703): View more from Virginia

The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

That is beautiful

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(319): View more from Iowa

I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.

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(456): View more from

ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.

(345): View more from Cayman Islands

I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for

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(802): View more from Vermont

All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.

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(719): View more from Colorado

"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete

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(515): View more from Iowa

Thanks for the bagel and the sex.

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(330): View more from Ohio

It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.

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(516): View more from New York

ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament

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(513): View more from Ohio

I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister

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(707): View more from California

Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door

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(904): View more from Florida

I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to

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(586): View more from Michigan

friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.

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(518): View more from New York

I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want

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(207): View more from Maine

He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried

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(773): View more from Illinois

Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart

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(916): View more from California

He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

pray to him

(203): View more from Connecticut

I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He called his dick the "gentle giant"

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(303): View more from Colorado

He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him

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(404): View more from Georgia

That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you

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(478): View more from Georgia

I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.

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(904): View more from Florida

Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP

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(210): View more from Texas

You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.

(662): View more from Mississippi

That's a beautiful sentiment.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store

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(509): View more from Washington

I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.

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(831): View more from California

Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team

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(585): View more from New York

It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.

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(956): View more from Texas

he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls

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(360): View more from Washington

I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH

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(289): View more from Ontario

Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?

(1-289): View more from Ontario

When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.

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(909): View more from California

I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too

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(307): View more from Wyoming

So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"

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(602): View more from Arizona

It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".

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(330): View more from Ohio

A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.

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(347): View more from New York

Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.

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(305): View more from Florida

May the power of my ass compel you!!

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(714): View more from California

I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home

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(661): View more from California

He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere

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(417): View more from Missouri

I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!

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(928): View more from Arizona

I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata

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(347): View more from New York

you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder

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(718): View more from New York

If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him

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(510): View more from California

My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".

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(208): View more from Idaho

You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.

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(785): View more from Kansas

You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".

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(406): View more from Montana

There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night

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(519): View more from Ontario

When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?

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(614): View more from Ohio

Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?

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(273): View more from

Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure

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(847): View more from Illinois

I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs

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(712): View more from Iowa

I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on

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(949): View more from California

My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.

(615): View more from Tennessee

UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!

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(573): View more from Missouri

You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!

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(585): View more from New York

He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus

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(216): View more from Ohio

Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick

(216): View more from Ohio

In a very non respectful way

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(818): View more from California

ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Explain why there's a meatball in my bong

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(512): View more from Texas

i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed

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(804): View more from Virginia

I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment

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(330): View more from Ohio

That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.

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(516): View more from New York

mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?

(1-516): View more from New York

all of them.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend

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(563): View more from Iowa

I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Cat or human?

(563): View more from Iowa

Human

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(813): View more from Florida

He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.

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(613): View more from Ontario

You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood

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(941): View more from Florida

Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."

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(775): View more from Nevada

I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool

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(760): View more from California

People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with

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(585): View more from New York

I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

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(720): View more from Colorado

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

Fav 77 39770 2393
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(609): View more from New Jersey

Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name

Fav 5 451 601
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(310): View more from California

one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.

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(386): View more from Florida

i think my cat just said my name.

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(940): View more from Texas

Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.

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(216): View more from Ohio

So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.

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(812): View more from Indiana

You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras

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(301): View more from Maryland

I plan on blacking out and milking a cow

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(970): View more from Colorado

I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.

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(+49): View more from Germany

She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face

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(845): View more from New York

Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway

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(302): View more from Delaware

You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."

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(443): View more from Maryland

yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too

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(989): View more from Michigan

I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.

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(884): View more from

My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second

(212): View more from New York

Hashtag Pathetic

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(703): View more from Virginia

YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE

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(740): View more from Ohio

At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."

(414): View more from Wisconsin

That's literally the perfect eulogy

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker

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(585): View more from New York

No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.

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(347): View more from New York

how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?

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(731): View more from Tennessee

I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.

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(323): View more from California

VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.

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(435): View more from Utah

Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off

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(281): View more from Texas

I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."

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(204): View more from Manitoba

As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.

Fav 0 865 529
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(925): View more from California

You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex

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(908): View more from New Jersey

would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours

(615): View more from Tennessee

This is why you're my favorite TA

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(239): View more from Florida

Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you

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(219): View more from Indiana

You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.

Fav 2 823 449
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(727): View more from Florida

I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to

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(432): View more from Texas

I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave

Fav 7 768 635
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(843): View more from South Carolina

He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night

Fav 2 758 480
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(774): View more from Massachusetts

We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"

Fav 2 909 462
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(870): View more from Arkansas

She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

The side bitch struggle is real.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.

(336): View more from North Carolina

THAT'S MY GIRL

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(616): View more from Michigan

Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.

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(804): View more from Virginia

He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.

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(585): View more from New York

I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.

Fav 1 801 423
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(313): View more from Michigan

I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying

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(231): View more from Michigan

He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.

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(406): View more from Montana

Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.

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(520): View more from Arizona

If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death

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(310): View more from California

You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.

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(616): View more from Michigan

The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.

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(235): View more from

if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?

(366): View more from

except your soul

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(239): View more from Florida

I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night

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(818): View more from California

xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls

Fav 1 677 512
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(646): View more from New York

She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom

Fav 2 857 521
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(310): View more from California

I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.

Fav 3 1343 760
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(540): View more from Virginia

Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent

Fav 5 1119 522
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(650): View more from California

He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.

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(314): View more from Missouri

When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.

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(330): View more from Ohio

My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?

Fav 3 1407 534
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(815): View more from Illinois

A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"

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(214): View more from Texas

I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.

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(509): View more from Washington

you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to

(702): View more from Nevada

It's true

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(319): View more from Iowa

I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!

Fav 2 966 557
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(537): View more from

Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out

Fav 1 593 465
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(713): View more from Texas

I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome

Fav 7 1502 533
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(615): View more from Tennessee

It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.

Fav 0 757 656
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(415): View more from California

nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar

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(407): View more from Florida

If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store

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(734): View more from Michigan

You get 5 min

(586): View more from Michigan

Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.

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(530): View more from California

I wish to strangle

(310): View more from California

whoa there darth vader

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(623): View more from Arizona

There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus

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(513): View more from Ohio

she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk

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(714): View more from California

Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.

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(516): View more from New York

Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.

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(540): View more from Virginia

The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf

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(416): View more from Toronto

Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.

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(850): View more from Florida

I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?

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(518): View more from New York

I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.

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(630): View more from Illinois

my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."

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(440): View more from Ohio

he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.

(440): View more from Ohio

he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.

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(631): View more from New York

Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.

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(503): View more from Oregon

U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint

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(585): View more from New York

My inner pteradactyl is also confused.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours

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(856): View more from New Jersey

i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest

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(316): View more from Kansas

Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow

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(330): View more from Ohio

I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.

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(510): View more from California

I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.

(1-510): View more from California

Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume

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(559): View more from California

They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.

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(360): View more from Washington

No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.

(1-360): View more from Washington

You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.

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(419): View more from Ohio

you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule

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(210): View more from Texas

I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard

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(734): View more from Michigan

I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

....you got kicked INTO a party??

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(847): View more from Illinois

This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.

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(540): View more from Virginia

The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship

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(937): View more from Ohio

Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest

(937): View more from Ohio

That happened during battle shots lol

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"

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(419): View more from Ohio

I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."

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(519): View more from Ontario

Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?

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(845): View more from New York

How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother

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(519): View more from Ontario

Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!

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(301): View more from Maryland

I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike

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(209): View more from California

Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?

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(734): View more from Michigan

The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?

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(804): View more from Virginia

Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children

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(801): View more from Utah

I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.

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(407): View more from Florida

I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"

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(512): View more from Texas

He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together

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(630): View more from Illinois

Sex is always the answer.

(630): View more from Illinois

Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?

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(514): View more from Quebec

He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways

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(703): View more from Virginia

This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls

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(270): View more from Kentucky

i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.

(618): View more from Illinois

dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.

(740): View more from Ohio

Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.

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(315): View more from New York

You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

wanna come over? I have movies.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

sure, what movies

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

porn or disney, your choice

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(334): View more from Alabama

Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"

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(513): View more from Ohio

My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.

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(477): View more from

I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.

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(207): View more from Maine

Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?

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(650): View more from California

I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.

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(239): View more from Florida

We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious

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(415): View more from California

Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?

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(574): View more from Indiana

I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.

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(909): View more from California

Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught

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(320): View more from Minnesota

Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener

(508): View more from Massachusetts

The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!

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(952): View more from Minnesota

FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY

(618): View more from Illinois

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?

(952): View more from Minnesota

The D is nonnegotable.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Are you still free tonight?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid

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(732): View more from New Jersey

also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

but you are a princess that one was appropriate.

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(727): View more from Florida

The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy

(813): View more from Florida

HE'S NOT INVITED!!!

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(845): View more from New York

So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."

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(254): View more from Texas

I have the starring role in a literal shit show.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches

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(860): View more from Connecticut

We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.

(985): View more from Louisiana

Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.

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(661): View more from California

You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(

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(541): View more from Oregon

If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.

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(330): View more from Ohio

my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark

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(618): View more from Illinois

When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"

(1-618): View more from Illinois

As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!

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(931): View more from Tennessee

What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."

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(563): View more from Iowa

What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me

(1-563): View more from Iowa

You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding

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(503): View more from Oregon

Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.

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(971): View more from Oregon

Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account

(971): View more from Oregon

It could happen to you too!

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(619): View more from California

I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining

(508): View more from Massachusetts

I think that would solve a million problems

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it

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(703): View more from Virginia

I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Since when do you jog?

(1-440): View more from Ohio

Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs

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(571): View more from Virginia

If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.

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(631): View more from New York

Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once

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(209): View more from California

i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious

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(513): View more from Ohio

The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?

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(253): View more from Washington

It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong

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(562): View more from California

You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.

(310): View more from California

Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?

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(210): View more from Texas

hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes

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(740): View more from Ohio

mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.

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(925): View more from California

Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps

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(289): View more from Ontario

Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.

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(516): View more from New York

This is classic penis vs brain.

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(706): View more from Georgia

To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.

(706): View more from Georgia

Touche.

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(845): View more from New York

then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy

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(718): View more from New York

You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.

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(510): View more from California

A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out

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(229): View more from Georgia

Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.

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(415): View more from California

The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

How drunk is she?

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her

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(770): View more from Georgia

The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?

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(416): View more from Toronto

Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.

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(585): View more from New York

Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?

(1-585): View more from New York

Or possibly end in a restraining order?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I just want nice things and good sex

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.

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(206): View more from Washington

Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?

(360): View more from Washington

What are you gonna do about it?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that

(910): View more from North Carolina

Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina

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(214): View more from Texas

This is my gift to your gina

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(303): View more from Colorado

These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards

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(334): View more from Alabama

That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.

(678): View more from Georgia

Good point.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.

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(310): View more from California

Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.

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(425): View more from Washington

I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win

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(585): View more from New York

Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.

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(941): View more from Florida

Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?

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(760): View more from California

Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.

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(613): View more from Ontario

You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.

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(386): View more from Florida

correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.

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(406): View more from Montana

Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul

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(386): View more from Florida

You've never sent a girl a dick pic?

(772): View more from Florida

Call me old fashioned

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(513): View more from Ohio

I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.

(1-513): View more from Ohio

YES. ALL MY YES.

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(936): View more from Texas

It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.

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(305): View more from Florida

I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.

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(940): View more from Texas

I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.

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(519): View more from Ontario

True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior

(226): View more from Ontario

Little bit of both

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(386): View more from Florida

I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks

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(660): View more from Missouri

The feeling are messing with the penis

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(810): View more from Michigan

I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment

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(616): View more from Michigan

MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!

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(775): View more from Nevada

New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends

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(315): View more from New York

Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered

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(440): View more from Ohio

its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice

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(214): View more from Texas

Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.

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(650): View more from California

You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too

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(954): View more from Florida

You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now

(503): View more from Oregon

Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.

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(231): View more from Michigan

She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.

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(713): View more from Texas

She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.

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(240): View more from Maryland

You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)

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(727): View more from Florida

We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.

(1-727): View more from Florida

I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.

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(212): View more from New York

Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato

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(253): View more from Washington

Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life

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(903): View more from Texas

I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

the boozy kind. is there any other?

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(314): View more from Missouri

Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile

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(562): View more from California

So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch

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(415): View more from California

If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning

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(616): View more from Michigan

Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5

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(337): View more from Louisiana

How's the hangover?

(1-337): View more from Louisiana

I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?

(1-601): View more from Mississippi

Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.

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(325): View more from Texas

I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours

(325): View more from Texas

Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?

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(360): View more from Washington

why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.

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(925): View more from California

After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head

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(954): View more from Florida

I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes

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(314): View more from Missouri

She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"

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(434): View more from Virginia

You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater

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(714): View more from California

Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life

(714): View more from California

It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me

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(305): View more from Florida

He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight

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(248): View more from Michigan

okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?

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(616): View more from Michigan

That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt

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(650): View more from California

Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus

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(310): View more from California

Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.

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(254): View more from Texas

It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.

(214): View more from Texas

You need to calm down.

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(276): View more from Virginia

I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

if i bang your brother are we still cool?

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(770): View more from Georgia

They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.

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(954): View more from Florida

I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?

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(248): View more from Michigan

IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night

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(703): View more from Virginia

there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face

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(425): View more from Washington

When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him

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(207): View more from Maine

I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.

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(602): View more from Arizona

It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns

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(302): View more from Delaware

I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car

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(954): View more from Florida

He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"

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(619): View more from California

You in for a dick vacation?

(1-619): View more from California

YES, even though I have no idea what that means

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(310): View more from California

I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.

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(727): View more from Florida

You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.

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(912): View more from Georgia

I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.

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(727): View more from Florida

I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.

(727): View more from Florida

I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'

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(650): View more from California

she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"

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(561): View more from Florida

And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived

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(541): View more from Oregon

Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.

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(727): View more from Florida

On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired

(727): View more from Florida

I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me

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(727): View more from Florida

Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle

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(817): View more from Texas

Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches

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(954): View more from Florida

Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?

(561): View more from Florida

Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.

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(+61): View more from Australia

You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.

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(928): View more from Arizona

He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is

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(319): View more from Iowa

I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.

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(734): View more from Michigan

But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss

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(905): View more from Ontario

This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.

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(330): View more from Ohio

As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.

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(574): View more from Indiana

Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over

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(571): View more from Virginia

I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.

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(512): View more from Texas

Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!

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(937): View more from Ohio

Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?

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(408): View more from California

Dude, that was like bongs ago.

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(310): View more from California

I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..

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(440): View more from Ohio

Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?

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(650): View more from California

I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there

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(406): View more from Montana

WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance

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(903): View more from Texas

You're a waste of cheezeits

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(647): View more from Ontario

You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only

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(+61): View more from Australia

I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.

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(512): View more from Texas

Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe

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(636): View more from Missouri

I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.

(636): View more from Missouri

And then audibly agreed

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(719): View more from Colorado

I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.

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(954): View more from Florida

My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it

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(408): View more from California

Holy high batman

(408): View more from California

The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course

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(641): View more from Iowa

Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.

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(956): View more from Texas

She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face

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(619): View more from California

I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.

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(516): View more from New York

Come through the front door when you get here.

(1-516): View more from New York

Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.

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(925): View more from California

i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work

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(618): View more from Illinois

One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.

(1-618): View more from Illinois

Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!

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(816): View more from Missouri

Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away

(781): View more from Massachusetts

i think i might be a female sloth

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(443): View more from Maryland

Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.

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(408): View more from California

Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR

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(940): View more from Texas

Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..

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(573): View more from Missouri

Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?

(816): View more from Missouri

Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.

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(315): View more from New York

On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D

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(801): View more from Utah

You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.

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(765): View more from Indiana

We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.

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(815): View more from Illinois

yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are

(815): View more from Illinois

Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa

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(586): View more from Michigan

The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..

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(614): View more from Ohio

don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"

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(678): View more from Georgia

Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.

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(571): View more from Virginia

A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place

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(949): View more from California

Amanda bynes is my spirit animal

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(408): View more from California

MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE

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(613): View more from Ontario

i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.

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(248): View more from Michigan

They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.

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(209): View more from California

My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."

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(313): View more from Michigan

420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Did I run away from you last night?

(240): View more from Maryland

Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship

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(772): View more from Florida

He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina

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(210): View more from Texas

I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!

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(917): View more from New York City

My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I put xanax in the cake batter

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

Did you really? It all makes sense now.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.

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(614): View more from Ohio

By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Would you like season tickets to my vagina?

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(719): View more from Colorado

Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.

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(773): View more from Illinois

All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?

(828): View more from North Carolina

if not i want to bang those glasses off his face

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(916): View more from California

Are you setting a date to bone me?

(530): View more from California

Are you accepting?

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(513): View more from Ohio

Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.

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(424): View more from California

Update: I may or may not be in a cult

(424): View more from California

Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult

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(906): View more from Michigan

We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become

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(734): View more from Michigan

If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do

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(550): View more from

I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.

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(602): View more from Arizona

The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast

(480): View more from Arizona

I'm so there

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(731): View more from Tennessee

He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol

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(+81): View more from

On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?

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(678): View more from Georgia

After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".

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(760): View more from California

Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs

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(940): View more from Texas

I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast

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(816): View more from Missouri

Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.

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(559): View more from California

I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."

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(229): View more from Georgia

He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"

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(810): View more from Michigan

Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?

(1-810): View more from Michigan

A safari of penis I hurt to the core

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(613): View more from Ontario

My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.

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(970): View more from Colorado

my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me

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(501): View more from Arkansas

So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring

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(208): View more from Idaho

That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.

(208): View more from Idaho

Especially drunk mermaids.

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(801): View more from Utah

NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him

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(425): View more from Washington

I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..

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(+33): View more from France

If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious

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(478): View more from Georgia

How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses

(770): View more from Georgia

We'll talk about it later...

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(856): View more from New Jersey

She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.

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(516): View more from New York

Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle

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(231): View more from Michigan

whats our policy on dating high schoolers?

(1-231): View more from Michigan

we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does

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(770): View more from Georgia

I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.

(1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

Why did you want to do any of that?

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.

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(971): View more from Oregon

Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.

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(727): View more from Florida

You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know

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(650): View more from California

At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.

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(406): View more from Montana

We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'

(701): View more from North Dakota

That's true love, there.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear

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(301): View more from Maryland

by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.

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(312): View more from Illinois

If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.

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(410): View more from Maryland

my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.

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(647): View more from Ontario

How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?

(416): View more from Toronto

Formal letter or email.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on

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(323): View more from California

You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"

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(512): View more from Texas

they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze

(1-512): View more from Texas

you have the best friends

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(330): View more from Ohio

Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me

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(912): View more from Georgia

We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us

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(416): View more from Toronto

You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.

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(076): View more from

He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents

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(925): View more from California

We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.

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(434): View more from Virginia

I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.

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(925): View more from California

Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.

(1-925): View more from California

How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?

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(901): View more from Tennessee

The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."

(1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?

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(614): View more from Ohio

Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.

(1-828): View more from North Carolina

Did someone catch you and fuck you?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means

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(931): View more from Tennessee

ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT

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(775): View more from Nevada

He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

Hey I found a cat!

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(352): View more from Florida

a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.

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(424): View more from California

The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "

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(256): View more from Alabama

Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...

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(914): View more from New York

Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.

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(206): View more from Washington

You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.

(360): View more from Washington

1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you

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(616): View more from Michigan

if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.

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(360): View more from Washington

I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.

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(212): View more from New York

That accounts for only three of the penises

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll be there in a few.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I'M COUNTING TO FEW.

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(914): View more from New York

THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED

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(312): View more from Illinois

You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.

(219): View more from Indiana

I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said

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(802): View more from Vermont

just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store

(203): View more from Connecticut

was it you?

(802): View more from Vermont

...yes

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any

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(614): View more from Ohio

i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight

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(573): View more from Missouri

Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.

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(831): View more from California

Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.

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(607): View more from New York

The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"

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(719): View more from Colorado

I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.

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(706): View more from Georgia

He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture

(410): View more from Maryland

dude you're not even a fucking science major

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(520): View more from Arizona

Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.

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(928): View more from Arizona

It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".

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(616): View more from Michigan

Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado

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(425): View more from Washington

we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'

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(847): View more from Illinois

I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it

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(443): View more from Maryland

Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?

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(815): View more from Illinois

You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.

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(219): View more from Indiana

My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.

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(830): View more from Texas

Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You need Xanax blowdarts

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(301): View more from Maryland

Just high enough for therapy.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.

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(239): View more from Florida

Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?

(406): View more from Montana

Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?

(1-616): View more from Michigan

I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him

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(330): View more from Ohio

Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.

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(212): View more from New York

I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

It's not even 9:30 yet..

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(310): View more from California

What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall

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(214): View more from Texas

We can put you in charge of something

(1-214): View more from Texas

I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous

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(530): View more from California

How on earth did you break your wrist?

(1-530): View more from California

I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.

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(614): View more from Ohio

telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

And we're breaking up

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(740): View more from Ohio

You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me

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(469): View more from Texas

I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Great news I took pics last night

(908): View more from New Jersey

Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies

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(612): View more from Minnesota

My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.

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(817): View more from Texas

Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex

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(404): View more from Georgia

You get home ok?

(1-404): View more from Georgia

Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You left wolverine marks

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

I'm somewhere between sorry and proud

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.

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(631): View more from New York

Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps

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(719): View more from Colorado

If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7

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(513): View more from Ohio

Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?

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(661): View more from California

Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing

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(860): View more from Connecticut

you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.

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(206): View more from Washington

Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja

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(518): View more from New York

you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh

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(519): View more from Ontario

we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...

(226): View more from Ontario

did I at least say anything...

(519): View more from Ontario

you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living

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(949): View more from California

I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea

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(651): View more from Minnesota

We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"

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(303): View more from Colorado

That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.

(1-816): View more from Missouri

I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.

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(224): View more from Illinois

He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.

(847): View more from Illinois

Incredible.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..

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(985): View more from Louisiana

I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I didn't notice because vodka

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.

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(317): View more from Indiana

This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.

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(949): View more from California

We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.

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(310): View more from California

Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.

(310): View more from California

It's the best of both worlds

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(404): View more from Georgia

You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.

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(330): View more from Ohio

STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats

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(760): View more from California

I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.

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(627): View more from California

some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.

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(631): View more from New York

Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

I believe they call that patchouli.

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(410): View more from Maryland

You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.

(404): View more from Georgia

We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.

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(818): View more from California

The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.

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(716): View more from New York

I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.

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(614): View more from Ohio

We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Why does my jaw hurt?

(402): View more from Nebraska

I may have punched you.

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(707): View more from California

I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.

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(317): View more from Indiana

If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.

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(360): View more from Washington

ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.

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(344): View more from

So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof

(774): View more from Massachusetts

They're waiting for you to die

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.

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(801): View more from Utah

I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.

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(516): View more from New York

People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?

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(678): View more from Georgia

You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.

(404): View more from Georgia

I'm a corrupt cop.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.

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(224): View more from Illinois

i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.

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(517): View more from Michigan

And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.

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(302): View more from Delaware

As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.

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(614): View more from Ohio

My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.

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(515): View more from Iowa

You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.

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(518): View more from New York

That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown

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(518): View more from New York

The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Let me tell you the story of bicurious george

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(917): View more from New York City

I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning

(1-917): View more from New York City

I love you more by the minute

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(719): View more from Colorado

She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.

(905): View more from Ontario

Fuhga

(250): View more from British Columbia

Thank you.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?

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(830): View more from Texas

I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time

(830): View more from Texas

well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from

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(507): View more from Minnesota

You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me

(815): View more from Illinois

I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.

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(434): View more from Virginia

My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.

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(319): View more from Iowa

...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text

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(816): View more from Missouri

First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.

(540): View more from Virginia

Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together

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(+32): View more from Belgium

You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...

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(505): View more from New Mexico

It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...

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(773): View more from Illinois

Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..

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(510): View more from California

It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.

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(818): View more from California

Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it

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(714): View more from California

Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?

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(310): View more from California

I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase

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(650): View more from California

We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.

(650): View more from California

And so far nothing been broken!

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(865): View more from Tennessee

You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?

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(770): View more from Georgia

Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.

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(214): View more from Texas

we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked

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(509): View more from Washington

Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen

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(607): View more from New York

I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.

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(712): View more from Iowa

I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.

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(316): View more from Kansas

ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.

(316): View more from Kansas

And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It turns out my teeth are bleeding.

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(607): View more from New York

Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah

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(813): View more from Florida

It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.

(315): View more from New York

That's the best compliment I have ever received.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted

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(913): View more from Kansas

The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests

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(303): View more from Colorado

I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"

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(314): View more from Missouri

shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me

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(330): View more from Ohio

I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.

(513): View more from Ohio

It has been happening a lot lately.

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(206): View more from Washington

i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.

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(206): View more from Washington

You have to summon your inner elephant

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(862): View more from New Jersey

You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.

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(716): View more from New York

I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"

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(574): View more from Indiana

It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.

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(928): View more from Arizona

Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I just blew my weed a kiss

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(404): View more from Georgia

That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

possibly by boat

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"

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(440): View more from Ohio

I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat

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(213): View more from California

you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say

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(817): View more from Texas

I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'

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(574): View more from Indiana

most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water

(1-574): View more from Indiana

desperate times, desperate measures

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(619): View more from California

But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.

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(330): View more from Ohio

The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.

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(352): View more from Florida

Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.

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(+61): View more from Australia

BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON

(+61): View more from Australia

SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE

(+61): View more from Australia

THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"

(630): View more from Illinois

you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop

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(571): View more from Virginia

I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.

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(512): View more from Texas

The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.

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(707): View more from California

He better not be in your backpack

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP

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(281): View more from Texas

Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."

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(514): View more from Quebec

So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.

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(585): View more from New York

Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook

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(903): View more from Texas

I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.

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(355): View more from

He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat

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(330): View more from Ohio

I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy

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(979): View more from Texas

Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.

(512): View more from Texas

That would explain all the random shit in my room...

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(417): View more from Missouri

Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?

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(216): View more from Ohio

Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud

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(541): View more from Oregon

Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday

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(314): View more from Missouri

He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl

(201): View more from New Jersey

I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl

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(209): View more from California

I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.

(209): View more from California

Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

who dressed up as a cop at your party???

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

idk I have to check. Why?

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.

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(914): View more from New York

I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces

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(817): View more from Texas

I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care

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(813): View more from Florida

I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass

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(720): View more from Colorado

We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"

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(937): View more from Ohio

I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.

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(925): View more from California

You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.

(651): View more from Minnesota

It's like the Christmas morning of dicks

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(740): View more from Ohio

I have a surprise for you guys

(937): View more from Ohio

What is it?

(740): View more from Ohio

A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS

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(519): View more from Ontario

I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots

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(404): View more from Georgia

Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT

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(480): View more from Arizona

He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance

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(757): View more from Virginia

I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.

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(657): View more from California

He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.

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(914): View more from New York

2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family

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(740): View more from Ohio

I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.

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(801): View more from Utah

I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.

(503): View more from Oregon

Score one for dad.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?

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(330): View more from Ohio

I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.

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(+61): View more from Australia

As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand

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(618): View more from Illinois

He's going to be my graduation present to myself.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"

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(408): View more from California

Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?

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(765): View more from Indiana

So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.

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(315): View more from New York

We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there

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(513): View more from Ohio

It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle

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(270): View more from Kentucky

him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.

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(657): View more from California

He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"

(818): View more from California

this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!

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(627): View more from California

The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.

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(954): View more from Florida

And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live

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(707): View more from California

As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.

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(361): View more from Texas

I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body

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(512): View more from Texas

Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..

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(315): View more from New York

she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot

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(519): View more from Ontario

Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I learned so much about myself in that shower.

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(819): View more from Quebec

I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics

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(312): View more from Illinois

My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.

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(409): View more from Texas

Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony

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(313): View more from Michigan

he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"

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(778): View more from British Columbia

they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.

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(914): View more from New York

Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant

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(334): View more from Alabama

What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.

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(317): View more from Indiana

It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

I love you football head

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...

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(563): View more from Iowa

Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE

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(407): View more from Florida

SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.

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(785): View more from Kansas

They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea

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(949): View more from California

I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice

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(250): View more from British Columbia

not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home

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(203): View more from Connecticut

How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina

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(315): View more from New York

you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.

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(630): View more from Illinois

i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home

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(519): View more from Ontario

Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?

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(443): View more from Maryland

I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night

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(614): View more from Ohio

Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.

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(410): View more from Maryland

That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.

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(512): View more from Texas

My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend

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(850): View more from Florida

Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.

(1-850): View more from Florida

Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.

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(845): View more from New York

My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.

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(514): View more from Quebec

please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him

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(813): View more from Florida

This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.

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(785): View more from Kansas

well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.

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(407): View more from Florida

I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.

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(760): View more from California

This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.

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(734): View more from Michigan

We're using joints as your birthday candles

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(248): View more from Michigan

He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.

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(309): View more from Illinois

yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester

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(231): View more from Michigan

Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?

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(574): View more from Indiana

My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.

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(361): View more from Texas

Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?

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(207): View more from Maine

I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom

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(817): View more from Texas

We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.

(1-817): View more from Texas

Braid them armpits, sister.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things

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(720): View more from Colorado

Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups

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(646): View more from New York

If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better

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(214): View more from Texas

I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.

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(816): View more from Missouri

If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

what type of emt are you

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment

(410): View more from Maryland

Thank god I got my shit together

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(214): View more from Texas

YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD

(469): View more from Texas

My thighs feel like glass

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(515): View more from Iowa

We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.

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(435): View more from Utah

I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read

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(209): View more from California

No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.

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(703): View more from Virginia

No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die

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(301): View more from Maryland

Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?

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(407): View more from Florida

It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.

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(516): View more from New York

I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me

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(206): View more from Washington

Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.

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(989): View more from Michigan

We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!

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(954): View more from Florida

stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us

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(256): View more from Alabama

Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.

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(613): View more from Ontario

You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.

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(512): View more from Texas

I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera

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(513): View more from Ohio

Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.

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(705): View more from Ontario

I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."

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(775): View more from Nevada

Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.

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(515): View more from Iowa

So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?

(1-515): View more from Iowa

Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....

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(205): View more from Alabama

Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.

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(813): View more from Florida

Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch

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(206): View more from Washington

Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.

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(214): View more from Texas

I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"

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(705): View more from Ontario

I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I remember it like it was tomorrow.

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(940): View more from Texas

Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?

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(240): View more from Maryland

A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it

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(352): View more from Florida

All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."

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(309): View more from Illinois

Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself

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(720): View more from Colorado

I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.

(303): View more from Colorado

God I adore you.

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(718): View more from New York

door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.

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(727): View more from Florida

all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me

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(609): View more from New Jersey

LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?

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(850): View more from Florida

Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?

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(510): View more from California

can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night

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(303): View more from Colorado

Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...

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(281): View more from Texas

You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"

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(309): View more from Illinois

My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends

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(740): View more from Ohio

Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.

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(248): View more from Michigan

No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.

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(303): View more from Colorado

YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.

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(563): View more from Iowa

You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive

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(818): View more from California

No...this little piggys going to the bar

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.

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(907): View more from Alaska

We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"

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(740): View more from Ohio

Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I've fallen from my one moral pedestal

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(360): View more from Washington

High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating

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(613): View more from Ontario

Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding

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(205): View more from Alabama

High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying

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(954): View more from Florida

You pretty much isn't said it

(404): View more from Georgia

Those words don't go together.

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(530): View more from California

At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy

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(727): View more from Florida

My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."

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(347): View more from New York

i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?

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(248): View more from Michigan

I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere

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(773): View more from Illinois

Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day

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(914): View more from New York

He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?

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(773): View more from Illinois

Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese

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(647): View more from Ontario

We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok

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(207): View more from Maine

Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.

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(480): View more from Arizona

In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss

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(843): View more from South Carolina

dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

successful birthday. 2012 rules

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(408): View more from California

I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.

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(207): View more from Maine

I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.

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(404): View more from Georgia

So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.

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(415): View more from California

I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.

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(585): View more from New York

You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.

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(914): View more from New York

I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?

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(770): View more from Georgia

When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.

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(213): View more from California

And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at

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(818): View more from California

All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language

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(785): View more from Kansas

WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS

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(516): View more from New York

i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal

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(216): View more from Ohio

Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.

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(503): View more from Oregon

We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding

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(416): View more from Toronto

Everything smells like blood and olive oil.

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(352): View more from Florida

The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

IT'S SUMMA TIME

(907): View more from Alaska

ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

THEY'RE THE SAME THING

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea

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(205): View more from Alabama

Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men

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(518): View more from New York

How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.

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(435): View more from Utah

honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those

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(704): View more from North Carolina

she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER

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(636): View more from Missouri

I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.

(636): View more from Missouri

I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.

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(224): View more from Illinois

Stop whining I left you with whiskey

(224): View more from Illinois

YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor

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(843): View more from South Carolina

What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.

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(253): View more from Washington

He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand

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(406): View more from Montana

She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial

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(604): View more from British Columbia

You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance

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(773): View more from Illinois

Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself

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(210): View more from Texas

It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here

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(520): View more from Arizona

Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?

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(719): View more from Colorado

Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?

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(512): View more from Texas

Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool

(210): View more from Texas

No

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(516): View more from New York

Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down

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(478): View more from Georgia

Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha

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(910): View more from North Carolina

HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!

(910): View more from North Carolina

I THINK I SHARTED

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(706): View more from Georgia

I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club

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(075): View more from

thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.

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(904): View more from Florida

He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.

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(407): View more from Florida

And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.

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(518): View more from New York

Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot

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(419): View more from Ohio

I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can

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(973): View more from New Jersey

They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete

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(845): View more from New York

Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"

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(925): View more from California

Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?

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(410): View more from Maryland

In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field

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(251): View more from Alabama

my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.

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(607): View more from New York

I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth

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(650): View more from California

sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else

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(304): View more from West Virginia

i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?

(301): View more from Maryland

just fucking run.

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(360): View more from Washington

do we own a ladder

(206): View more from Washington

We do not.

(360): View more from Washington

then how am i on the roof

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(706): View more from Georgia

I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina

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(720): View more from Colorado

I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.

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(469): View more from Texas

You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels

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(213): View more from California

Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.

(1-213): View more from California

best text I've received ever.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.

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(541): View more from Oregon

So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."

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(818): View more from California

The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.

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(661): View more from California

Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.

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(519): View more from Ontario

My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it

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(602): View more from Arizona

Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it

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(812): View more from Indiana

An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time

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(850): View more from Florida

She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.

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(719): View more from Colorado

he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong

(813): View more from Florida

Thats admirable.

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(760): View more from California

I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB

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(+61): View more from Australia

Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts

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(541): View more from Oregon

Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.

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(847): View more from Illinois

stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"

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(530): View more from California

My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"

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(661): View more from California

Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room

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(604): View more from British Columbia

never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man

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(201): View more from New Jersey

She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.

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(818): View more from California

It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.

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(907): View more from Alaska

This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.

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(734): View more from Michigan

WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES

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(864): View more from South Carolina

How bad is the voicemail?

(1-864): View more from South Carolina

You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming

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(860): View more from Connecticut

They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever

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(646): View more from New York

In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.

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(519): View more from Ontario

my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off

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(214): View more from Texas

nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.

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(314): View more from Missouri

No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?

(1-314): View more from Missouri

You're the worst gay friend ever.

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(561): View more from Florida

I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm on the struggle bus

(847): View more from Illinois

just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.

(336): View more from North Carolina

Did it work?

(918): View more from Oklahoma

Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.

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(914): View more from New York

We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.

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(678): View more from Georgia

You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'

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(216): View more from Ohio

every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend

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(626): View more from California

obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore

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(602): View more from Arizona

hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse

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(541): View more from Oregon

they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you

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(207): View more from Maine

I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.

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(310): View more from California

Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself

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(631): View more from New York

he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan

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(604): View more from British Columbia

So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.

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(510): View more from California

yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him

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(365): View more from

As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.

(1-365): View more from

I was judging you.

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(646): View more from New York

I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.

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(407): View more from Florida

Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.

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(310): View more from California

I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.

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(512): View more from Texas

I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma

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(612): View more from Minnesota

There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.

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(714): View more from California

You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.

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(830): View more from Texas

Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.

(785): View more from Kansas

When were you at my house?

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(360): View more from Washington

He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn

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(845): View more from New York

Make me a sandwich

(301): View more from Maryland

The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.

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(513): View more from Ohio

We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.

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(850): View more from Florida

I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.

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(480): View more from Arizona

In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."

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(240): View more from Maryland

She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...

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(727): View more from Florida

No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".

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(248): View more from Michigan

The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"

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(908): View more from New Jersey

P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid

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(757): View more from Virginia

Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?

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(647): View more from Ontario

I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"

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(604): View more from British Columbia

You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches

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(417): View more from Missouri

What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.

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(514): View more from Quebec

I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me

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(530): View more from California

You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours

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(916): View more from California

I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"

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(647): View more from Ontario

so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.

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(256): View more from Alabama

OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE

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(303): View more from Colorado

There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Agreed.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.

(404): View more from Georgia

Everyone is cheering

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(407): View more from Florida

There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"

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(515): View more from Iowa

This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.

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(631): View more from New York

im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.

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(650): View more from California

Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america

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(914): View more from New York

Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS

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(416): View more from Toronto

Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?

(613): View more from Ontario

you're kidding right?

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(305): View more from Florida

I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420

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(904): View more from Florida

In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.

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(518): View more from New York

We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�

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(720): View more from Colorado

You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no

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(614): View more from Ohio

I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence

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(763): View more from Minnesota

My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away

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(254): View more from Texas

That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.

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(325): View more from Texas

I fcuked ip.

(214): View more from Texas

Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy

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(224): View more from Illinois

you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.

(1-520): View more from Arizona

I can pencil you in at 3:30

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

what about money

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

no - he has a code he lives by

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(763): View more from Minnesota

It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language

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(910): View more from North Carolina

i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit

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(512): View more from Texas

Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong

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(310): View more from California

It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw

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(614): View more from Ohio

Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.

(1-812): View more from Indiana

...the American dream.

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(212): View more from New York

Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Are you alive?

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.

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(631): View more from New York

I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.

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(607): View more from New York

I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

(315): View more from New York

Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt

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(404): View more from Georgia

Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.

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(310): View more from California

My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."

(323): View more from California

If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones

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(317): View more from Indiana

Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.

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(207): View more from Maine

It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now

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(916): View more from California

WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!

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(205): View more from Alabama

You fucked her?! HER?!

(1-205): View more from Alabama

She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.

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(714): View more from California

I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.

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(914): View more from New York

Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."

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(647): View more from Ontario

Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.

(416): View more from Toronto

I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?

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(708): View more from Illinois

you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato

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(810): View more from Michigan

Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.

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(703): View more from Virginia

No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.

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(801): View more from Utah

Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay

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(409): View more from Texas

Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo

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(410): View more from Maryland

The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.

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(544): View more from

I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate

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(360): View more from Washington

corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.

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(773): View more from Illinois

You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING

(1-773): View more from Illinois

Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time

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(917): View more from New York City

You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard

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(631): View more from New York

Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?

(516): View more from New York

lol... you weighed it?

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(248): View more from Michigan

He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.

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(909): View more from California

Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back

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(970): View more from Colorado

I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.

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(419): View more from Ohio

They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.

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(848): View more from New Jersey

You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"

(774): View more from Massachusetts

It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"

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(563): View more from Iowa

I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?

(208): View more from Idaho

Beautiful, beautiful reality

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.

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(301): View more from Maryland

His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.

(1-301): View more from Maryland

I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.

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(850): View more from Florida

He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again

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(307): View more from Wyoming

puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.

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(847): View more from Illinois

All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.

(773): View more from Illinois

that bad?

(847): View more from Illinois

u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.

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(325): View more from Texas

You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.

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(805): View more from California

Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.

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(951): View more from California

She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.

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(316): View more from Kansas

There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.

(763): View more from Minnesota

I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.

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(813): View more from Florida

You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.

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(734): View more from Michigan

this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.

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(708): View more from Illinois

What are you doing and how can I add sex in there

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(727): View more from Florida

well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.

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(712): View more from Iowa

I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love

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(914): View more from New York

How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?

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(503): View more from Oregon

I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle

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(510): View more from California

Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands

(1-510): View more from California

Tgat was the small dick alert

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(559): View more from California

well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"

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(317): View more from Indiana

Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.

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(229): View more from Georgia

Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?

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(386): View more from Florida

Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.

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(248): View more from Michigan

If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?

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(530): View more from California

sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom

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(309): View more from Illinois

He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.

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(614): View more from Ohio

They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?

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(951): View more from California

I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured

(617): View more from Massachusetts

I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed

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(219): View more from Indiana

The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.

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(224): View more from Illinois

I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania

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(614): View more from Ohio

He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.

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(949): View more from California

Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.

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(804): View more from Virginia

of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.

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(253): View more from Washington

they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"

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(739): View more from

The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.

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(518): View more from New York

He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?

(312): View more from Illinois

You're the best girlfriend ever.

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(210): View more from Texas

It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.

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(514): View more from Quebec

OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

He likes bondage and spanking and shit.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.

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(937): View more from Ohio

do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good

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(563): View more from Iowa

I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.

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(574): View more from Indiana

Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?

(1-574): View more from Indiana

Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like

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(217): View more from Illinois

Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.

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(360): View more from Washington

So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with

(509): View more from Washington

Isn't life beautiful?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.

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(949): View more from California

Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college

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(408): View more from California

She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit

(1-408): View more from California

I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards

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(319): View more from Iowa

Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?

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(804): View more from Virginia

he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.

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(+61): View more from Australia

why is my forehead so bruised?

(1+61): View more from

i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.

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(914): View more from New York

He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Why didn't I see you last night!?

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake

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(815): View more from Illinois

We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.

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(805): View more from California

You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.

(1-805): View more from California

watch me

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(313): View more from Michigan

Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time

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(913): View more from Kansas

Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?

(1-913): View more from Kansas

I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.

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(+61): View more from Australia

remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.

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(904): View more from Florida

the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless

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(406): View more from Montana

You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.

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(417): View more from Missouri

So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.

(1-471): View more from

That's all you talk about when you are wasted.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.

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(561): View more from Florida

u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring

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(949): View more from California

You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.

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(641): View more from Iowa

I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

my head hurts. i need an adult

(225): View more from Louisiana

and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult

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(425): View more from Washington

I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background

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(334): View more from Alabama

all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.

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(432): View more from Texas

I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS

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(587): View more from Alberta

Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.

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(410): View more from Maryland

So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.

(443): View more from Maryland

YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?

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(303): View more from Colorado

Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

well in DOG beers, i've only had one

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.

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(815): View more from Illinois

im sober

(920): View more from Wisconsin

you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive

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(316): View more from Kansas

This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.

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(614): View more from Ohio

We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay

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(502): View more from Kentucky

It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.

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(253): View more from Washington

We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.

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(734): View more from Michigan

He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.

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(936): View more from Texas

The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.

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(917): View more from New York City

She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.

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(813): View more from Florida

Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.

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(614): View more from Ohio

My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"

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(989): View more from Michigan

From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.

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(925): View more from California

Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?

(1-925): View more from California

Come on man nobody wants to admit that

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(314): View more from Missouri

You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.

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(914): View more from New York

He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

What can I say, I'm a giver.

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?

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(914): View more from New York

Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight

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(231): View more from Michigan

the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me

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(805): View more from California

You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

People are yelling about how much they want you here.

(563): View more from Iowa

I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.

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(419): View more from Ohio

having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree

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(443): View more from Maryland

i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!

(410): View more from Maryland

dude. im stealing that.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy

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(812): View more from Indiana

Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.

(812): View more from Indiana

Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.

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(386): View more from Florida

I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....

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(804): View more from Virginia

My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.

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(509): View more from Washington

Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.

(802): View more from Vermont

So basically you were a dog.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me

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(573): View more from Missouri

I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'

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(519): View more from Ontario

My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.

(720): View more from Colorado

Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?

(303): View more from Colorado

my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are

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(228): View more from Mississippi

He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"

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(419): View more from Ohio

My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.

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(510): View more from California

Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

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(925): View more from California

We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals

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(510): View more from California

I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear

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(818): View more from California

Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.

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(217): View more from Illinois

he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...

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(727): View more from Florida

just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"

(308): View more from Nebraska

Stop drinking at work.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is

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(720): View more from Colorado

I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk

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(207): View more from Maine

I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.

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(210): View more from Texas

The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced

(210): View more from Texas

The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks

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(352): View more from Florida

Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.

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(815): View more from Illinois

thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty

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(732): View more from New Jersey

we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle

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(845): View more from New York

I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties

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(914): View more from New York

Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese

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(818): View more from California

Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

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(309): View more from Illinois

We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?

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(330): View more from Ohio

Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.

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(956): View more from Texas

Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life

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(269): View more from Michigan

I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Its gonna be a symphony of fucks

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster

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(540): View more from Virginia

please bring me a paper towel asap.

(540): View more from Virginia

I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.

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(845): View more from New York

Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.

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(+84): View more from

he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.

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(214): View more from Texas

If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.

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(949): View more from California

am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?

(415): View more from California

i thought you knew

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(319): View more from Iowa

Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.

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(516): View more from New York

my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing

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(360): View more from Washington

Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo

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(330): View more from Ohio

She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.

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(727): View more from Florida

You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?

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(208): View more from Idaho

I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?

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(713): View more from Texas

just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.

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(207): View more from Maine

Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.

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(623): View more from Arizona

I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.

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(516): View more from New York

i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets

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(818): View more from California

you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.

(734): View more from Michigan

Your friend and I already don't get along

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls

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(914): View more from New York

friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?

(408): View more from California

JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.

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(813): View more from Florida

his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.

(407): View more from Florida

yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.

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(518): View more from New York

Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?

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(212): View more from New York

Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient

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(678): View more from Georgia

I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...

(404): View more from Georgia

I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.

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(586): View more from Michigan

If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption

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(269): View more from Michigan

I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet

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(864): View more from South Carolina

the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.

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(509): View more from Washington

And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid

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(713): View more from Texas

He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...

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(951): View more from California

My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room

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(217): View more from Illinois

You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic

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(870): View more from Arkansas

To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.

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(510): View more from California

It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.

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(530): View more from California

I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.

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(305): View more from Florida

Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.

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(541): View more from Oregon

You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.

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(805): View more from California

Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.

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(707): View more from California

The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends

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(614): View more from Ohio

would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.

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(518): View more from New York

He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.

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(917): View more from New York City

No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.

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(909): View more from California

Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.

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(585): View more from New York

if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.

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(631): View more from New York

youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful

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(336): View more from North Carolina

You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.

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(251): View more from Alabama

He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.

(1-251): View more from Alabama

Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it

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(615): View more from Tennessee

In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

it is a toga and you are a goddess.

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(903): View more from Texas

Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now

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(630): View more from Illinois

What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"

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(314): View more from Missouri

I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)

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(520): View more from Arizona

Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals

(480): View more from Arizona

Are you high and at a petting zoo again?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing

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(419): View more from Ohio

i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I think mounting someone proves who's house this is

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(574): View more from Indiana

Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.

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(607): View more from New York

This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.

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(205): View more from Alabama

$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer

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(402): View more from Nebraska

We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?

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(816): View more from Missouri

You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you

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(575): View more from New Mexico

He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?

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(408): View more from California

The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.

(408): View more from California

You've ruined television for me.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call

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(256): View more from Alabama

Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?

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(205): View more from Alabama

Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.

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(917): View more from New York City

And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.

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(224): View more from Illinois

I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure

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(734): View more from Michigan

Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.

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(248): View more from Michigan

we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.

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(313): View more from Michigan

First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.

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(269): View more from Michigan

Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?

(313): View more from Michigan

death...100% death...what r u planning.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.

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(469): View more from Texas

I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!

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(+41): View more from Switzerland

my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED

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(303): View more from Colorado

Why is there bacon braided in my hair

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(708): View more from Illinois

For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?

(773): View more from Illinois

To be honest, kinda.

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(360): View more from Washington

if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked

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(870): View more from Arkansas

He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell

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(540): View more from Virginia

If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim

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(705): View more from Ontario

I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.

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(309): View more from Illinois

He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Trying to grind with crutches was not a success

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(+61): View more from Australia

can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.

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(631): View more from New York

Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music

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(314): View more from Missouri

At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE

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(404): View more from Georgia

Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".

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(716): View more from New York

... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.

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(714): View more from California

sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms

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(330): View more from Ohio

I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.

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(360): View more from Washington

Edward fifth and chaser hands

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(216): View more from Ohio

Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing

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(732): View more from New Jersey

yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?

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(360): View more from Washington

i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge

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(573): View more from Missouri

If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing

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(512): View more from Texas

At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.

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(716): View more from New York

i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me

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(850): View more from Florida

HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter

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(913): View more from Kansas

the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.

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(630): View more from Illinois

You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.

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(+33): View more from France

Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?

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(760): View more from California

can you blow me for old times sake

(951): View more from California

only for old times sake

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(217): View more from Illinois

Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.

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(530): View more from California

We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.

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(206): View more from Washington

I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.

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(517): View more from Michigan

After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.

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(408): View more from California

I miss the smell of you or some shit.

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(407): View more from Florida

Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them

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(210): View more from Texas

Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute

(1-210): View more from Texas

Hello cirrhosis

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.

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(917): View more from New York City

Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.

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(936): View more from Texas

You can't call dibs 8 years later.

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(217): View more from Illinois

If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.

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(248): View more from Michigan

He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close

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(330): View more from Ohio

yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon

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(903): View more from Texas

EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT

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(435): View more from Utah

When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics

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(607): View more from New York

I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?

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(650): View more from California

Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished

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(216): View more from Ohio

I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes

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(845): View more from New York

There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.

(845): View more from New York

Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.

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(239): View more from Florida

dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms

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(618): View more from Illinois

I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!

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(250): View more from British Columbia

After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all

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(910): View more from North Carolina

It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did

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(845): View more from New York

Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.

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(573): View more from Missouri

This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car

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(217): View more from Illinois

Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Vomiting outside the employee entrance

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(254): View more from Texas

Im just a social blackout drinker.

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(740): View more from Ohio

we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke

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(613): View more from Ontario

Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”

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(704): View more from North Carolina

It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now

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(425): View more from Washington

He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby

(617): View more from Massachusetts

your completely serious

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(708): View more from Illinois

we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though

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(903): View more from Texas

We talked him into tasing himself.

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(516): View more from New York

I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion

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(310): View more from California

A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.

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(409): View more from Texas

You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.

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(907): View more from Alaska

We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller

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(435): View more from Utah

I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.

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(509): View more from Washington

I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.

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(904): View more from Florida

Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.

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(757): View more from Virginia

they won't let me drive with my sombrero

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(519): View more from Ontario

I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!

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(207): View more from Maine

I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly

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(256): View more from Alabama

I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?

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(703): View more from Virginia

Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution

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(806): View more from Texas

You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....

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(503): View more from Oregon

you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?

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(540): View more from Virginia

Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis

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(214): View more from Texas

Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .

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(661): View more from California

fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.

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(917): View more from New York City

Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?

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(734): View more from Michigan

I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.

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(351): View more from Massachusetts

the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

and you succeeded.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Hopefully she would park on my face.

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(802): View more from Vermont

She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.

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(863): View more from Florida

There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.

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(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job

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(773): View more from Illinois

You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."

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(205): View more from Alabama

He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did mom hear me barking???

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

sooo high. sooo many dog friends

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(480): View more from Arizona

My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport

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(443): View more from Maryland

you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.

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