Texts From Last Night · Boogie

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(408): View more from California

this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it

(408): View more from California

its winning. its definitely happening

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(727): View more from Florida

So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.

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(619): View more from California

I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.

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(727): View more from Florida

How did you get him out of the shower last time?

(1-727): View more from Florida

Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.

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(207): View more from Maine

CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP

(207): View more from Maine

Do we still have any pizza left from last night?

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(254): View more from Texas

It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.

(214): View more from Texas

You need to calm down.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me

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(410): View more from Maryland

It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.

(301): View more from Maryland

You have a very discerning palate.

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(224): View more from Illinois

Is it rude if I don't go?

(248): View more from Michigan

No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...

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(810): View more from Michigan

I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?

(609): View more from New Jersey

Yeah. It's not just the beard either.

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(727): View more from Florida

What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked

(539): View more from

All of it

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night

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(662): View more from Mississippi

You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.

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(206): View more from Washington

I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

My god, what have you done?

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(310): View more from California

I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"

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(801): View more from Utah

If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.

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(802): View more from Vermont

as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment

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(847): View more from Illinois

How was it playing wingman?

(312): View more from Illinois

I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed

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(214): View more from Texas

We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.

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(801): View more from Utah

Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.

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(435): View more from Utah

Thanks for fucking me in last night

(435): View more from Utah

TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter

(504): View more from Louisiana

Is this a considering it or regretting it text?

(318): View more from Louisiana

I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"

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(803): View more from South Carolina

You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.

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(360): View more from Washington

I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.

(1-360): View more from Washington

It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.

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(903): View more from Texas

Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.

(1-903): View more from Texas

Dude I've been in FL since Monday.

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(518): View more from New York

That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.

(315): View more from New York

Who is this?!????

(518): View more from New York

That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.

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(954): View more from Florida

Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.

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(917): View more from New York City

i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON

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(630): View more from Illinois

So what's going on?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.

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(816): View more from Missouri

TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.

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(516): View more from New York

sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Who is our new insurance provider?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers

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(415): View more from California

Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.

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(519): View more from Ontario

We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.

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(347): View more from New York

That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.

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(27): View more from South Africa

You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.

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(541): View more from Oregon

25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.

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(941): View more from Florida

So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.

(941): View more from Florida

I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.

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(760): View more from California

He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....

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(207): View more from Maine

C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!

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(+33): View more from France

If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.

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(801): View more from Utah

NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital

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(541): View more from Oregon

After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...

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(630): View more from Illinois

This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?

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(613): View more from Ontario

There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"

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(805): View more from California

It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!

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(720): View more from Colorado

We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.

(970): View more from Colorado

Oooh, he sounds pretty classy

(720): View more from Colorado

Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.

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(775): View more from Nevada

It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers

(702): View more from Nevada

Real life dumb and dumber

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(319): View more from Iowa

He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick

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(650): View more from California

At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.

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(310): View more from California

My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.

(1-310): View more from California

That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much

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(517): View more from Michigan

I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.

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(714): View more from California

Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.

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(360): View more from Washington

I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.

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(303): View more from Colorado

So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.

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(705): View more from Ontario

He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.

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(630): View more from Illinois

It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.

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(830): View more from Texas

It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember

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(402): View more from Nebraska

What drugs are we doing when you visit?

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.

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(404): View more from Georgia

PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!

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(647): View more from Ontario

You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party

(1-647): View more from Ontario

That was you...

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.

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(616): View more from Michigan

i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them

(1-616): View more from Michigan

its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you

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(512): View more from Texas

they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze

(1-512): View more from Texas

you have the best friends

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(517): View more from Michigan

To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you

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(630): View more from Illinois

How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?

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(914): View more from New York

He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell

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(310): View more from California

i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works

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(575): View more from New Mexico

Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.

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(951): View more from California

Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents

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(619): View more from California

You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing

(1-619): View more from California

Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this

(619): View more from California

...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...

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(206): View more from Washington

Who showers for four hours?!

(760): View more from California

It was like a tropical nap.

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(970): View more from Colorado

he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.

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(616): View more from Michigan

what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?

(1-616): View more from Michigan

i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming

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(630): View more from Illinois

no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.

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(316): View more from Kansas

She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.

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(260): View more from Indiana

as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...

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(818): View more from California

We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.

(619): View more from California

I will find you...

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Aren't you gay?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME

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(206): View more from Washington

You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.

(360): View more from Washington

1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now

(1-931): View more from Tennessee

You gays are geniuses

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.

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(719): View more from Colorado

The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.

(719): View more from Colorado

This has been a Party Success Story

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(753): View more from

if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.

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(248): View more from Michigan

BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.

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(802): View more from Vermont

just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store

(203): View more from Connecticut

was it you?

(802): View more from Vermont

...yes

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(313): View more from Michigan

Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any

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(330): View more from Ohio

He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.

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(916): View more from California

you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless

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(614): View more from Ohio

I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.

(614): View more from Ohio

That d should have definitely been an s.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Lets go hit some boners bro!

(1-989): View more from Michigan

I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank

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(919): View more from North Carolina

What happened to my knees?

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.

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(914): View more from New York

bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house

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(303): View more from Colorado

My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.

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(253): View more from Washington

want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.

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(631): View more from New York

She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it

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(310): View more from California

Is cereal technically a soup?

(310): View more from California

Fuck, I'm high.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.

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(415): View more from California

Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.

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(602): View more from Arizona

After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.

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(705): View more from Ontario

There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!

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(417): View more from Missouri

THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW

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(240): View more from Maryland

I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out

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(614): View more from Ohio

telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.

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(817): View more from Texas

If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.

(1-817): View more from Texas

It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.

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(817): View more from Texas

I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.

(512): View more from Texas

Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.

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(627): View more from California

some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.

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(631): View more from New York

He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.

(416): View more from Toronto

NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.

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(315): View more from New York

The second I see you we're shot gunning beers

(1-315): View more from New York

It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning

(315): View more from New York

And your point is?

(1-315): View more from New York

Marry me

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(317): View more from Indiana

TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.

(415): View more from California

I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext

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(310): View more from California

What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.

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(817): View more from Texas

Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart

(763): View more from Minnesota

Die.

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(903): View more from Texas

Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Basically.

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(313): View more from Michigan

You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink

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(213): View more from California

Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.

(201): View more from New Jersey

... and if i was..

(213): View more from California

Fuck. You.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.

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(310): View more from California

I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.

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(573): View more from Missouri

You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk

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(320): View more from Minnesota

Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights

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(228): View more from Mississippi

We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver

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(613): View more from Ontario

but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost

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(434): View more from Virginia

They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.

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(516): View more from New York

Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"

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(217): View more from Illinois

I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.

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(352): View more from Florida

Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live

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(+61): View more from Australia

BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON

(+61): View more from Australia

SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE

(+61): View more from Australia

THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.

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(213): View more from California

you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say

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(716): View more from New York

So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.

(1-716): View more from New York

Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money

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(248): View more from Michigan

He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown

(336): View more from North Carolina

Oh my god

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(989): View more from Michigan

He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.

(1-989): View more from Michigan

I'll uninvite my mom

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....

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(415): View more from California

I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT

(707): View more from California

I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.

(415): View more from California

I effort

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(563): View more from Iowa

I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market

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(+61): View more from Australia

As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.

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(317): View more from Indiana

When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay

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(512): View more from Texas

Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

So all in all, a good night.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.

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(630): View more from Illinois

You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it

(708): View more from Illinois

So thats why that cop beat my ass?

(630): View more from Illinois

Probably

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(602): View more from Arizona

You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?

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(512): View more from Texas

You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever

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(859): View more from Kentucky

The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow

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(605): View more from South Dakota

"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...

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(561): View more from Florida

You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.

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(858): View more from California

I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will

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(513): View more from Ohio

She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.

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(480): View more from Arizona

We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.

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(819): View more from Quebec

I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".

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(330): View more from Ohio

Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.

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(315): View more from New York

she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot

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(613): View more from Ontario

She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!

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(703): View more from Virginia

The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am

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(334): View more from Alabama

What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.

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(334): View more from Alabama

Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room

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(514): View more from Quebec

I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.

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(585): View more from New York

just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use

(716): View more from New York

how?

(585): View more from New York

not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days

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(406): View more from Montana

I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.

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(214): View more from Texas

Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.

(1-214): View more from Texas

I love you.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob

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(850): View more from Florida

I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.

(239): View more from Florida

that is the opposite of a normal text message.

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(206): View more from Washington

She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.

(1-715): View more from Wisconsin

PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.

(1-715): View more from Wisconsin

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.

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(618): View more from Illinois

She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life

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(616): View more from Michigan

She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday

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(818): View more from California

My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text

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(915): View more from Texas

Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.

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(613): View more from Ontario

As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.

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(303): View more from Colorado

He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago

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(+61): View more from Australia

I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.

(1+61): View more from

Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.

(309): View more from Illinois

I'm bringing the tv in with me.

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(850): View more from Florida

Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.

(1-850): View more from Florida

Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted

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(850): View more from Florida

He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.

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(619): View more from California

Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"

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(813): View more from Florida

Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.

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(541): View more from Oregon

You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!

(503): View more from Oregon

... That's a shower caddy.

(541): View more from Oregon

I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.

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(410): View more from Maryland

WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN

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(813): View more from Florida

This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

Did you watch the carolina game tonight?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?

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(504): View more from Louisiana

You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that

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(540): View more from Virginia

Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒

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(905): View more from Ontario

You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"

(1-905): View more from Ontario

He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.

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(407): View more from Florida

If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.

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(602): View more from Arizona

All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..

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(206): View more from Washington

I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE

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(613): View more from Ontario

You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.

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(407): View more from Florida

It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.

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(281): View more from Texas

Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.

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(208): View more from Idaho

WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!

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(44): View more from United Kingdom

I think he just caught a duck in mid flight

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.

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(951): View more from California

You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.

(1-951): View more from California

This is the first time I'm hearing this information.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this

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(404): View more from Georgia

The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.

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(408): View more from California

So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

ur mom makes the best bacon

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.

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(858): View more from California

Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm

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(515): View more from Iowa

We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.

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(917): View more from New York City

How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?

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(785): View more from Kansas

We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Rumble strips road head = magical

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(970): View more from Colorado

I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

Sunday is the day of rest.

(857): View more from Massachusetts

As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.

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(904): View more from Florida

Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.

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(925): View more from California

The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves

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(515): View more from Iowa

I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.

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(512): View more from Texas

I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.

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(61): View more from Australia

You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.

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(416): View more from Toronto

At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"

(416): View more from Toronto

He was THIS close.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Drink for every country you've never heard of.

(630): View more from Illinois

Fuuuuuuuuuck

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?

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(301): View more from Maryland

Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle

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(303): View more from Colorado

I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.

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(315): View more from New York

I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.

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(315): View more from New York

Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.

(1-315): View more from New York

How small IS your cock?

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(802): View more from Vermont

when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.

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(906): View more from Michigan

I think a kid would responsible me up

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(906): View more from Michigan

I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.

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(443): View more from Maryland

He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".

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(907): View more from Alaska

Can I color on your dick again?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher

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(804): View more from Virginia

Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive

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(563): View more from Iowa

You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed

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(731): View more from Tennessee

She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro

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(989): View more from Michigan

I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..

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(585): View more from New York

Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away

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(425): View more from Washington

Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.

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(785): View more from Kansas

They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.

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(360): View more from Washington

I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3

(906): View more from Michigan

Omg sara

(920): View more from Wisconsin

I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.

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(906): View more from Michigan

cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go

(319): View more from Iowa

IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though

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(616): View more from Michigan

When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."

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(541): View more from Oregon

Well for starters, her tits were hairy.

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(208): View more from Idaho

i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week

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(425): View more from Washington

Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.

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(914): View more from New York

Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point

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(631): View more from New York

She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat

(1-631): View more from New York

SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?

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(607): View more from New York

I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now

(315): View more from New York

I see you're taking unemployment seriously.

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times

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(602): View more from Arizona

This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?

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(303): View more from Colorado

Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

God you're perfect.

(303): View more from Colorado

I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.

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(408): View more from California

I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.

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(619): View more from California

The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.

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(434): View more from Virginia

I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER

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(914): View more from New York

Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.

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(904): View more from Florida

Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.

(704): View more from North Carolina

Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!

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(714): View more from California

Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.

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(352): View more from Florida

The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"

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(949): View more from California

I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library

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(786): View more from Florida

If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?

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(231): View more from Michigan

Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before

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(464): View more from Illinois

He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.

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(619): View more from California

He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.

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(224): View more from Illinois

Stop whining I left you with whiskey

(224): View more from Illinois

YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.

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(607): View more from New York

Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.

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(310): View more from California

I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.

(1-310): View more from California

You're sick. Take pictures if you can.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.

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(512): View more from Texas

Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool

(210): View more from Texas

No

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance

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(907): View more from Alaska

Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business

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(248): View more from Michigan

Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.

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(207): View more from Maine

It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.

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(416): View more from Toronto

They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water

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(916): View more from California

She said she liked strap-ons.

(1-916): View more from California

SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!

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(914): View more from New York

I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.

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(714): View more from California

Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.

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(904): View more from Florida

He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.

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(518): View more from New York

Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.

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(914): View more from New York

I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.

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(541): View more from Oregon

It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Bad breakup?

(1-410): View more from Maryland

He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?

(651): View more from Minnesota

Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better

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(252): View more from North Carolina

i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.

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(541): View more from Oregon

So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."

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(818): View more from California

The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"

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(805): View more from California

WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts

(805): View more from California

YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts are serious business

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?

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(360): View more from Washington

Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.

(360): View more from Washington

It was me.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?

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(770): View more from Georgia

She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!

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(614): View more from Ohio

The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?

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(360): View more from Washington

do we own a ladder

(206): View more from Washington

We do not.

(360): View more from Washington

then how am i on the roof

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(716): View more from New York

Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?

(585): View more from New York

Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.

(716): View more from New York

.......

(585): View more from New York

I'm just looking out for you.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop

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(914): View more from New York

Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.

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(914): View more from New York

He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm pregnant.

(1-407): View more from Florida

The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???

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(614): View more from Ohio

The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??

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(914): View more from New York

Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.

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(530): View more from California

That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.

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(219): View more from Indiana

How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.

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(661): View more from California

Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.

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(716): View more from New York

my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question

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(561): View more from Florida

There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy

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(970): View more from Colorado

bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.

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(517): View more from Michigan

This baby is an asshole

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(410): View more from Maryland

I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole

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(817): View more from Texas

Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.

(214): View more from Texas

I still make more money.

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(696): View more from

Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?

(451): View more from

Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.

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(850): View more from Florida

She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next

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(314): View more from Missouri

Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"

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(416): View more from Toronto

I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?

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(407): View more from Florida

That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.

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(714): View more from California

Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made

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(818): View more from California

Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)

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(815): View more from Illinois

I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.

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(917): View more from New York City

I am lonely and I want to touch your beard

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(319): View more from Iowa

Let's drink?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.

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(907): View more from Alaska

This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?

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(209): View more from California

She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.

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(365): View more from

As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.

(1-365): View more from

I was judging you.

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(210): View more from Texas

I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.

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(360): View more from Washington

I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it

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(206): View more from Washington

I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.

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(914): View more from New York

We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.

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(541): View more from Oregon

they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you

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(734): View more from Michigan

In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.

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(512): View more from Texas

I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma

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(+41): View more from Switzerland

How did she break his doorknob?

(1+41): View more from

That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.

(301): View more from Maryland

Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.

(785): View more from Kansas

When were you at my house?

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(845): View more from New York

Make me a sandwich

(301): View more from Maryland

The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.

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(906): View more from Michigan

Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.

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(631): View more from New York

Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole

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(315): View more from New York

Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?

(518): View more from New York

Its called bad cop laid cop.

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(512): View more from Texas

scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck

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(734): View more from Michigan

we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.

(248): View more from Michigan

...that shit cray.

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(480): View more from Arizona

In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."

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(514): View more from Quebec

I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.

(703): View more from Virginia

OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I guess, just don't make it awkward

(603): View more from New Hampshire

MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving

(301): View more from Maryland

He didn't think we needed a taxi

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(301): View more from Maryland

sorry

(304): View more from West Virginia

why?

(301): View more from Maryland

oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.

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(813): View more from Florida

Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.

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(613): View more from Ontario

We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.

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(636): View more from Missouri

You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.

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(310): View more from California

True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?

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(773): View more from Illinois

Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???

(773): View more from Illinois

Found 2 Coors, problem solved.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.

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(613): View more from Ontario

We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."

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(212): View more from New York

how are things with the new girl?

(917): View more from New York City

good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked

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(219): View more from Indiana

LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS

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(214): View more from Texas

Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"

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(941): View more from Florida

I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off

(1-941): View more from Florida

Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS

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(602): View more from Arizona

Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.

(404): View more from Georgia

Everyone is cheering

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.

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(480): View more from Arizona

there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.

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(845): View more from New York

"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

he was once again the drunkest girl at the party

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(714): View more from California

Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.

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(607): View more from New York

Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?

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(801): View more from Utah

"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.

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(720): View more from Colorado

You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no

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(205): View more from Alabama

I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.

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(315): View more from New York

Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.

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(434): View more from Virginia

On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?

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(416): View more from Toronto

Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?

(613): View more from Ontario

you're kidding right?

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(904): View more from Florida

In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.

(1-520): View more from Arizona

I can pencil you in at 3:30

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears

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(585): View more from New York

I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did she buy you pizza?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?

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(214): View more from Texas

Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life

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(419): View more from Ohio

The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage

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(616): View more from Michigan

She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross

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(847): View more from Illinois

Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding

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(850): View more from Florida

Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.

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(530): View more from California

Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection

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(260): View more from Indiana

A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?

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(360): View more from Washington

you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands

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(613): View more from Ontario

I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now

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(847): View more from Illinois

That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am

(248): View more from Michigan

Hahaha. That's funny.

(847): View more from Illinois

But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship

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(775): View more from Nevada

He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors

(1-775): View more from Nevada

Fuck he won the bet

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters

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(619): View more from California

I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit

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(337): View more from Louisiana

The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.

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(440): View more from Ohio

she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even

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(678): View more from Georgia

Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?

(404): View more from Georgia

Things like this can't be explained over text man

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Nobody in the ambulance liked me...

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.

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(310): View more from California

My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."

(323): View more from California

If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.

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(212): View more from New York

No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.

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(772): View more from Florida

So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.

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(+34): View more from Spain

You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.

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(831): View more from California

I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.

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(416): View more from Toronto

We were fucking at break-dick speeds.

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(727): View more from Florida

Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.

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(571): View more from Virginia

How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.

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(509): View more from Washington

My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.

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(478): View more from Georgia

He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Some girl just showed me her stretch marks

(757): View more from Virginia

You need to get out of tn

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.

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(905): View more from Ontario

you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"

(414): View more from Wisconsin

I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea

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(316): View more from Kansas

This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.

(434): View more from Virginia

Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.

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(614): View more from Ohio

This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Her idea of kinky involved a tazer

(850): View more from Florida

wtf?

(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm going back tonight

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(707): View more from California

is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??

(408): View more from California

your beer goggles are on backwards.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS

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(407): View more from Florida

Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.

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(438): View more from Quebec

gladiator or hannah montana?

(514): View more from Quebec

This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.

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(903): View more from Texas

I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...

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(936): View more from Texas

You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.

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(727): View more from Florida

If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."

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(254): View more from Texas

Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?

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(231): View more from Michigan

Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days

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(509): View more from Washington

you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.

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(407): View more from Florida

She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy

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(425): View more from Washington

Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning

(519): View more from Ontario

Omg I think I'm in the wrong class

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(917): View more from New York City

Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.

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(707): View more from California

I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots

(1-707): View more from California

You did like 8

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question

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(360): View more from Washington

you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...

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(253): View more from Washington

i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down

(253): View more from Washington

ppsyche im wasted where are you

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(348): View more from

Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.

(1-348): View more from

You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.

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(650): View more from California

I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

how bad is she

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

captain morgan with tits

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You slow clapped the stripper last night.

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(509): View more from Washington

Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home

(647): View more from Ontario

Was he satisfied?

(416): View more from Toronto

No, and very vocal about it.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.

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(305): View more from Florida

So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.

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(914): View more from New York

You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.

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(914): View more from New York

If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

What time did you start drinking?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe isn't a time...

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(443): View more from Maryland

i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!

(410): View more from Maryland

dude. im stealing that.

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(949): View more from California

You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!

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(810): View more from Michigan

You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?

(1-618): View more from Illinois

We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.

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(419): View more from Ohio

You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"

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(516): View more from New York

its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.

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(260): View more from Indiana

U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.

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(914): View more from New York

Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.

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(925): View more from California

Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?

(1-925): View more from California

Come on man nobody wants to admit that

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand

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(575): View more from New Mexico

You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.

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(301): View more from Maryland

my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook

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(512): View more from Texas

If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.

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(845): View more from New York

Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.

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(310): View more from California

I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis

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(+82): View more from South Korea

I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.

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(541): View more from Oregon

And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch

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(641): View more from Iowa

I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.

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(410): View more from Maryland

SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Don't text me with that hand

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(214): View more from Texas

I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.

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(417): View more from Missouri

So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.

(1-471): View more from

That's all you talk about when you are wasted.

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(209): View more from California

He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia

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(254): View more from Texas

Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be

(254): View more from Texas

Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop

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(360): View more from Washington

There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.

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(563): View more from Iowa

My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.

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(310): View more from California

You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.

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(810): View more from Michigan

She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'

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(519): View more from Ontario

My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"

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(276): View more from Virginia

You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.

(802): View more from Vermont

So basically you were a dog.

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(586): View more from Michigan

LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT

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(647): View more from Ontario

Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone

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(509): View more from Washington

walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.

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(907): View more from Alaska

We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.

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(518): View more from New York

Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.

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(628): View more from California

That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

what? who is this?

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(985): View more from Louisiana

He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.

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(224): View more from Illinois

I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".

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(713): View more from Texas

OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.

(1-757): View more from Virginia

I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.

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(734): View more from Michigan

The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.

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(818): View more from California

Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

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(519): View more from Ontario

I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.

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(210): View more from Texas

Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...

(1+44): View more from

That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh

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(586): View more from Michigan

I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?

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(515): View more from Iowa

Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.

(856): View more from New Jersey

dear god, who put you in a cab?

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(905): View more from Ontario

I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won

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(914): View more from New York

They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.

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(510): View more from California

I'm trying to make a sex playlist

(916): View more from California

record yourself crying and put it on a loop.

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(707): View more from California

She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.

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(619): View more from California

By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo

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(713): View more from Texas

just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.

(1-304): View more from West Virginia

Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?

(304): View more from West Virginia

No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15

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(713): View more from Texas

He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?

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(907): View more from Alaska

Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.

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(420): View more from

I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.

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(949): View more from California

Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer

(1-949): View more from California

Party on wayne

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(513): View more from Ohio

So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.

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(757): View more from Virginia

She fuckin peed on me

(817): View more from Texas

Stay golden ponyboy

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(303): View more from Colorado

Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.

(734): View more from Michigan

Your friend and I already don't get along

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(360): View more from Washington

Im 95% ready to shit behind 711

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(207): View more from Maine

traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK

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(586): View more from Michigan

If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption

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(647): View more from Ontario

we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.

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(816): View more from Missouri

i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino

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(785): View more from Kansas

MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.

(207): View more from Maine

HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.

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(519): View more from Ontario

You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard

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(609): View more from New Jersey

wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.

(941): View more from Florida

it was a krispy kreme

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I woke up with glitter in my wounds.

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(916): View more from California

The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.

(1-916): View more from California

Try oodles of noodles this time.

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(556): View more from

Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard

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(919): View more from North Carolina

DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Oh God.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.

(1-507): View more from Minnesota

We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.

(309): View more from Illinois

Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?

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(305): View more from Florida

Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n

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(503): View more from Oregon

I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?

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(214): View more from Texas

look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.

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(516): View more from New York

VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.

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(239): View more from Florida

i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.

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(631): View more from New York

youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful

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(913): View more from Kansas

My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.

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(636): View more from Missouri

If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing

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(530): View more from California

Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine

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(614): View more from Ohio

she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.

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(647): View more from Ontario

A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning

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(408): View more from California

The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.

(408): View more from California

You've ruined television for me.

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(863): View more from Florida

It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.

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(916): View more from California

In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?

(1-916): View more from California

Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking

(920): View more from Wisconsin

All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.

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(360): View more from Washington

it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing

(206): View more from Washington

and semen

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(708): View more from Illinois

For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?

(773): View more from Illinois

To be honest, kinda.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.

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(903): View more from Texas

Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.

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(214): View more from Texas

Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?

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(352): View more from Florida

I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND

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(325): View more from Texas

The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.

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(660): View more from Missouri

what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?

(816): View more from Missouri

um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan

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(314): View more from Missouri

At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.

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(206): View more from Washington

What should I wear?

(808): View more from Hawaii

Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar

(206): View more from Washington

I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."

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(626): View more from California

You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog

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(708): View more from Illinois

he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.

(1-708): View more from Illinois

ahaha ok

(708): View more from Illinois

let's call it "werewolfing"

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride

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(229): View more from Georgia

No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry

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(530): View more from California

I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.

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(314): View more from Missouri

For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.

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(434): View more from Virginia

Oh shit. There are penis maracas

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(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

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(703): View more from Virginia

Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.

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(716): View more from New York

Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.

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(713): View more from Texas

The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar

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(315): View more from New York

some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.

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(716): View more from New York

IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.

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(773): View more from Illinois

NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on

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(770): View more from Georgia

We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us

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(903): View more from Texas

EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT

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(217): View more from Illinois

Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Vomiting outside the employee entrance

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(254): View more from Texas

Im just a social blackout drinker.

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(740): View more from Ohio

we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke

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(406): View more from Montana

I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.

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(573): View more from Missouri

This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car

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(217): View more from Illinois

You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.

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(310): View more from California

Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias

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(289): View more from Ontario

Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....

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(805): View more from California

I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.

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(631): View more from New York

only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..

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(925): View more from California

she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"

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(714): View more from California

I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.

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(410): View more from Maryland

i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.

(443): View more from Maryland

do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?

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(904): View more from Florida

Champagne is a vitamin, right?

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(435): View more from Utah

Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.

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(520): View more from Arizona

We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.

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(205): View more from Alabama

He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

How did you break your hand eating pizza?

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Boxes are hard to see rocks through.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".

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(518): View more from New York

They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower

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(951): View more from California

I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.

(856): View more from New Jersey

Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits

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(727): View more from Florida

You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth

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(+61): View more from Australia

woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME

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(213): View more from California

The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.

(248): View more from Michigan

There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.

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(217): View more from Illinois

she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work

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(416): View more from Toronto

Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?

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(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

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(540): View more from Virginia

You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.

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(646): View more from New York

Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit

(646): View more from New York

The facepaint not the blacking out

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(703): View more from Virginia

Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution

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(863): View more from Florida

There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I demand visitation hours with the duck.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?

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(281): View more from Texas

WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!

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(732): View more from New Jersey

4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move

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(810): View more from Michigan

We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.

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(619): View more from California

yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work

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(281): View more from Texas

The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.

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(925): View more from California

Did we literally take a cab across the street

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw

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(706): View more from Georgia

Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.

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(989): View more from Michigan

ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.

(1-205): View more from Alabama

Is it working?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME

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(607): View more from New York

im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.

(607): View more from New York

way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses

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(213): View more from California

"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''

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(817): View more from Texas

Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.

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(708): View more from Illinois

there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again

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(206): View more from Washington

And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music

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(845): View more from New York

well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back

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(518): View more from New York

I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.

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(425): View more from Washington

No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day

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(515): View more from Iowa

She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

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(803): View more from South Carolina

He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...

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(254): View more from Texas

Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.

(254): View more from Texas

Tornado warnings are fun!

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(440): View more from Ohio

My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.

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(425): View more from Washington

the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition

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(225): View more from Louisiana

all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.

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(434): View more from Virginia

She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.

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(773): View more from Illinois

His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

oh my god i'm in a crawl space

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(915): View more from Texas

Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.

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(314): View more from Missouri

The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.

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(330): View more from Ohio

You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.

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(917): View more from New York City

I just found a bag of teeth...

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(443): View more from Maryland

Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.

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(517): View more from Michigan

In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.

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(760): View more from California

I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.

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(816): View more from Missouri

we didnt even have break up sex...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

you had it for us with someone else...

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(620): View more from Kansas

He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.

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(330): View more from Ohio

All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"

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(519): View more from Ontario

i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..

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(602): View more from Arizona

I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.

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(310): View more from California

Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs

(310): View more from California

Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?

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(417): View more from Missouri

Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.

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(616): View more from Michigan

i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.

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(765): View more from Indiana

he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.

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(903): View more from Texas

How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

well now I have to

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(231): View more from Michigan

His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.

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(303): View more from Colorado

we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.

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(757): View more from Virginia

We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE

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(609): View more from New Jersey

And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"

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(505): View more from New Mexico

so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke

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(714): View more from California

I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.

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(949): View more from California

he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.

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(206): View more from Washington

Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?

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(760): View more from California

If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next

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(404): View more from Georgia

She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint

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(248): View more from Michigan

Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.

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(915): View more from Texas

do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?

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(317): View more from Indiana

He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

(1-317): View more from Indiana

He's the fucking cop whisperer.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.

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(913): View more from Kansas

she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'

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(240): View more from Maryland

i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.

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(407): View more from Florida

Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton

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(573): View more from Missouri

I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."

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(313): View more from Michigan

We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well

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(817): View more from Texas

Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

(1-817): View more from Texas

You weighed it?

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me

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(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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(971): View more from Oregon

I have two black x marks on my hands.

(503): View more from Oregon

Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

(971): View more from Oregon

damnit I wish I could remember that.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(775): View more from Nevada

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

(910): View more from North Carolina

IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

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(661): View more from California

the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

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(720): View more from Colorado

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(404): View more from Georgia

i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.

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(513): View more from Ohio

hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"

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(954): View more from Florida

It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.

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(361): View more from Texas

I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.

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(518): View more from New York

i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass

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(517): View more from Michigan

we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

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(707): View more from California

At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.

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(903): View more from Texas

I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on

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(480): View more from Arizona

From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.

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(619): View more from California

im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.

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(207): View more from Maine

I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.

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(716): View more from New York

He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."

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(443): View more from Maryland

Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.

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(+03): View more from

Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'

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(415): View more from California

You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...

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(325): View more from Texas

Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me

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(416): View more from Toronto

Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.

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(631): View more from New York

I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me

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(517): View more from Michigan

She just said, "are my livers going to die?"

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(804): View more from Virginia

I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.

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(314): View more from Missouri

rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover

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(859): View more from Kentucky

i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."

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(562): View more from California

I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset

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(937): View more from Ohio

i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.

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(302): View more from Delaware

He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".

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(407): View more from Florida

I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.

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(210): View more from Texas

I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.

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(705): View more from Ontario

All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.

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(503): View more from Oregon

He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.

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(646): View more from New York

It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".

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(719): View more from Colorado

No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.

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(541): View more from Oregon

you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you

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(785): View more from Kansas

She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.

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(916): View more from California

craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?

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(914): View more from New York

She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.

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(303): View more from Colorado

she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone

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(360): View more from Washington

Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.

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(206): View more from Washington

My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.

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(937): View more from Ohio

they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"

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(905): View more from Ontario

something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance

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(678): View more from Georgia

Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.

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(315): View more from New York

I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.

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(478): View more from Georgia

We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.

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(619): View more from California

My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months

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(313): View more from Michigan

you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.

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(907): View more from Alaska

We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.

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(705): View more from Ontario

I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too

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(801): View more from Utah

he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..

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(516): View more from New York

you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.

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(972): View more from Texas

The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions

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(732): View more from New Jersey

That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.

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(530): View more from California

We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.

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(303): View more from Colorado

The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"

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(989): View more from Michigan

It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Don't worry. I has chaperone.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.

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(310): View more from California

thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!

(1-310): View more from California

you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?

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(248): View more from Michigan

She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems

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(954): View more from Florida

You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?

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(516): View more from New York

I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...

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(512): View more from Texas

The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.

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(281): View more from Texas

when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer

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(419): View more from Ohio

You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.

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(847): View more from Illinois

The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job

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(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

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(240): View more from Maryland

I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.

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(330): View more from Ohio

The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind

(1-330): View more from Ohio

Well it worked

(330): View more from Ohio

Not the point

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(856): View more from New Jersey

There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I wish his dick was as long as his hair.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.

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(562): View more from California

In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...

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(575): View more from New Mexico

We need to talk about our relationship.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes

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(815): View more from Illinois

Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.

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(360): View more from Washington

Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.

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(310): View more from California

can your parents tell?

(310): View more from California

i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know

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(937): View more from Ohio

He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?

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(989): View more from Michigan

I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.

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(714): View more from California

Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

it's like her boobs came off with her bra

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?

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(516): View more from New York

if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine

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(309): View more from Illinois

Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.

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(813): View more from Florida

Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.

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(410): View more from Maryland

just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.

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(678): View more from Georgia

SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.

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(386): View more from Florida

The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.

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(951): View more from California

Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Whoa, Gary Coleman died

(224): View more from Illinois

Whatchu talkin bout?!?!

(847): View more from Illinois

Too soon.

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(317): View more from Indiana

You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.

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(602): View more from Arizona

You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.

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(815): View more from Illinois

i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.

(1-815): View more from Illinois

you need to get laid.. and an oil change.

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(310): View more from California

i fucked a milf yesterday.

(619): View more from California

i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs

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(518): View more from New York

All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

(301): View more from Maryland

OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

(518): View more from New York

Doritoesssssss

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(740): View more from Ohio

Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?

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(210): View more from Texas

they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird

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(917): View more from New York City

pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock

(347): View more from New York

I THOUGHT I SAW YOU

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(256): View more from Alabama

she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.

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(409): View more from Texas

We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus

(1-409): View more from Texas

How are you texting me from 1998?

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(416): View more from Toronto

Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?

(416): View more from Toronto

Better looking than her though please.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.

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(254): View more from Texas

There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

She brought up feelings... her days are numbered

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(201): View more from New Jersey

dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??

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(256): View more from Alabama

My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.

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(863): View more from Florida

I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila

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(817): View more from Texas

Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

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(646): View more from New York

There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.

(1-646): View more from New York

Your pregnant arnt you

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(630): View more from Illinois

Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits

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(240): View more from Maryland

boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

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(810): View more from Michigan

can I come stay the night

(217): View more from Illinois

yeah, but no sex tonight

(810): View more from Michigan

I'll stay home

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(808): View more from Hawaii

white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"

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(336): View more from North Carolina

While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.

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(646): View more from New York

He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone

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(203): View more from Connecticut

yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

when did we get a doorman?

(203): View more from Connecticut

we were also in the wrong building...

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(813): View more from Florida

For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me

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(804): View more from Virginia

when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.

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(831): View more from California

No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??

(713): View more from Texas

Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.

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(954): View more from Florida

I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.

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(214): View more from Texas

bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.

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(518): View more from New York

She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her

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(843): View more from South Carolina

when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."

(423): View more from Tennessee

Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.

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(516): View more from New York

I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"

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(360): View more from Washington

Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.

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(239): View more from Florida

I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

And she used to have such long ones. Sad.

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(619): View more from California

Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..

(1-619): View more from California

I am not bailing you of of jail

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(616): View more from Michigan

he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".

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(972): View more from Texas

They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

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(714): View more from California

We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser

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(316): View more from Kansas

when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre

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(317): View more from Indiana

The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester

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(858): View more from California

I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"

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(314): View more from Missouri

he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

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(970): View more from Colorado

you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...

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(616): View more from Michigan

our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.

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(703): View more from Virginia

The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.

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(614): View more from Ohio

trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.

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(248): View more from Michigan

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

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(770): View more from Georgia

Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???

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(703): View more from Virginia

Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.

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(214): View more from Texas

Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing

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(586): View more from Michigan

You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(940): View more from Texas

I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...

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(760): View more from California

so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?

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(+82): View more from

I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.

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(941): View more from Florida

thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.

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(817): View more from Texas

yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing

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(619): View more from California

Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

whats a bus flip?

(225): View more from Louisiana

idk but apparently i invented it

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I am the drunkest girl in the tree.

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(904): View more from Florida

bring the vodka.

(1-904): View more from Florida

i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?

(904): View more from Florida

we are.

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(720): View more from Colorado

My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?

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(214): View more from Texas

new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.

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(661): View more from California

I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.

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(585): View more from New York

ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried

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(260): View more from Indiana

Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five

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(727): View more from Florida

It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.

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(614): View more from Ohio

The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

A simple 'no' would have sufficed

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(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.

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(212): View more from New York

yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"

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(716): View more from New York

i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly

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(815): View more from Illinois

I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!

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(519): View more from Ontario

So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

it's 1 pm.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store

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(210): View more from Texas

I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.

(1-210): View more from Texas

I love milkshakes.

(210): View more from Texas

Not the point.

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(937): View more from Ohio

He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.

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(415): View more from California

the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.

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(217): View more from Illinois

You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"

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(207): View more from Maine

i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea

(1-207): View more from Maine

probs a good idea

(207): View more from Maine

i like the whole idea of life and being alive

(1-207): View more from Maine

you sure you're not high?

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(954): View more from Florida

I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had

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(925): View more from California

Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.

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(559): View more from California

So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?

(1-559): View more from California

That depends on who this is.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.

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(443): View more from Maryland

He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M

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(941): View more from Florida

can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?

(1-941): View more from Florida

idk, I had a turtle in mine.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

it was like fucking gandolphs beard

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(303): View more from Colorado

i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around

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(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Walk of Shame time yet?

(1+44): View more from

Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?

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(240): View more from Maryland

This kid is drunk.

(410): View more from Maryland

I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.

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(303): View more from Colorado

i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk

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(612): View more from Minnesota

the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.

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(231): View more from Michigan

A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.

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(805): View more from California

they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate

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(352): View more from Florida

never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..

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