Texts From Last Night · HinduSpartan's Favorites

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(850): View more from Florida

He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"

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(707): View more from California

And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.

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(705): View more from Ontario

i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away

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(317): View more from Indiana

Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.

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(607): View more from New York

I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen

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(703): View more from Virginia

yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'

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(954): View more from Florida

I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.

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(954): View more from Florida

Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?

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(503): View more from Oregon

well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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(817): View more from Texas

I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends

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(703): View more from Virginia

He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job

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(678): View more from Georgia

When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever

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(956): View more from Texas

Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.

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(530): View more from California

There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.

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(361): View more from Texas

Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.

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(905): View more from Toronto

so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins

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(240): View more from Maryland

last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours

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(513): View more from Ohio

wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

how could i say no?

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(949): View more from California

Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

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(509): View more from Washington

They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.

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(620): View more from Kansas

He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.

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(847): View more from Illinois

You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head

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(718): View more from New York

Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.

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(703): View more from Virginia

im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off

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(510): View more from California

The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.

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(714): View more from California

I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.

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(740): View more from Ohio

So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?

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(518): View more from New York

he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."

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(705): View more from Ontario

She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.

(905): View more from Ontario

I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.

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(936): View more from Texas

Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american

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(816): View more from Missouri

Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.

(816): View more from Missouri

...... wtf.

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(510): View more from California

I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.

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(716): View more from New York

i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.

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(876): View more from Jamaica

After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.

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(816): View more from Missouri

That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

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(352): View more from Florida

She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"

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(703): View more from Virginia

I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?

(571): View more from Virginia

Fuck you.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.

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(813): View more from Florida

The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters

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(305): View more from Florida

He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.

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(914): View more from New York

she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"

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(519): View more from Ontario

You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?

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(972): View more from Texas

The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix

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(607): View more from New York

Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her

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(319): View more from Iowa

So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."

(319): View more from Iowa

Decisions, decisions.

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(281): View more from Texas

Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.

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(845): View more from New York

Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.

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(614): View more from Ohio

yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

and what did he say?

(614): View more from Ohio

there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.

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(718): View more from New York

you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.

(917): View more from New York City

i told you we never speak of that again

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(303): View more from Colorado

You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.

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(614): View more from Ohio

My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex

(1-614): View more from Ohio

You and your mom would make an amazing tag team

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(334): View more from Alabama

This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"

(1-440): View more from Ohio

Perfectly normal.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i have to get rid of the hedgehog.

(765): View more from Indiana

Does it come with a cage?

(201): View more from New Jersey

yes. and food and toys.

(765): View more from Indiana

i'll trade you an 8th for it

(201): View more from New Jersey

deal.

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(817): View more from Texas

They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.

(214): View more from Texas

Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.

(817): View more from Texas

You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.

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(512): View more from Texas

Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.

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(714): View more from California

walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

(714): View more from California

he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

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(512): View more from Texas

The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?

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(305): View more from Florida

its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face

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(207): View more from Maine

Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.

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(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

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(443): View more from Maryland

There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.

(217): View more from Illinois

Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I can get orange kush...

(586): View more from Michigan

GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

you are both the best and worst wingman ever.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A

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(440): View more from Ohio

So you threw a sword at me last night

(419): View more from Ohio

I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.

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(440): View more from Ohio

New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."

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(631): View more from New York

So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"

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(630): View more from Illinois

Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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(678): View more from Georgia

his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.

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(718): View more from New York

he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty

(917): View more from New York City

smooth operator

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(352): View more from Florida

I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.

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(407): View more from Florida

What's he like?

(954): View more from Florida

The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.

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(303): View more from Colorado

mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him

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(702): View more from Nevada

it was like having sex with a tree stump

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(515): View more from Iowa

in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?

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(773): View more from Illinois

Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(205): View more from Alabama

I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.

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(415): View more from California

dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.

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(404): View more from Georgia

i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay

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(913): View more from Kansas

just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.

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(513): View more from Ohio

just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America

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(917): View more from New York City

I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.

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(801): View more from Utah

Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first

(206): View more from Washington

You are the luckiest man alive

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(408): View more from California

He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.

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(208): View more from Idaho

She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"

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(734): View more from Michigan

A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.

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(845): View more from New York

so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date

(845): View more from New York

i guess it runs in the family.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.

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(310): View more from California

Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.

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(785): View more from Kansas

There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"

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(314): View more from Missouri

Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.

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(210): View more from Texas

I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too

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(404): View more from Georgia

hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.

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(317): View more from Indiana

she was licking his armpits.

(317): View more from Indiana

asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat

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(630): View more from Illinois

She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.

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(917): View more from New York City

pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock

(347): View more from New York

I THOUGHT I SAW YOU

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(419): View more from Ohio

Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems

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(763): View more from Minnesota

My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.

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(540): View more from Virginia

my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

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(865): View more from Tennessee

He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears

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(260): View more from Indiana

Vodka is such a love hate relationship.

(661): View more from California

Truer words have never been spoken.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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(313): View more from Michigan

How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?

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(901): View more from Tennessee

She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

Dude, if you don't take her, I will.

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(916): View more from California

It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers

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(530): View more from California

I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.

(1-530): View more from California

fuck. you.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.

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(317): View more from Indiana

He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Whoa, Gary Coleman died

(224): View more from Illinois

Whatchu talkin bout?!?!

(847): View more from Illinois

Too soon.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

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(519): View more from Ontario

You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.

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(317): View more from Indiana

my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive

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(818): View more from California

apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

You should've just screamed yes we can!

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(850): View more from Florida

You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.

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(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(678): View more from Georgia

He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.

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(979): View more from Texas

You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands

(713): View more from Texas

When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.

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(619): View more from California

my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

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(905): View more from Ontario

She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris

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(404): View more from Georgia

I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.

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(248): View more from Michigan

the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.

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(404): View more from Georgia

She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.

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(303): View more from Colorado

she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper

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(231): View more from Michigan

Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"

(231): View more from Michigan

OMG its one we used last night

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(847): View more from Illinois

Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.

(708): View more from Illinois

May it rest in peace.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word

(803): View more from South Carolina

dude its may

(843): View more from South Carolina

Work with me here, man.

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(559): View more from California

he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her

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(706): View more from Georgia

I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool

(252): View more from North Carolina

Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five

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(443): View more from Maryland

She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.

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(254): View more from Texas

There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.

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(917): View more from New York City

so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style

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(217): View more from Illinois

i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?

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(240): View more from Maryland

boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

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(810): View more from Michigan

can I come stay the night

(217): View more from Illinois

yeah, but no sex tonight

(810): View more from Michigan

I'll stay home

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot

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(519): View more from Ontario

due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

How did the beer even get there in the first place?

(734): View more from Michigan

That's not what's important right now

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(352): View more from Florida

Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes

(1-352): View more from Florida

I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.

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(231): View more from Michigan

i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget

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(630): View more from Illinois

i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

nothing about this is right.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.

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(949): View more from California

Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up

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(309): View more from Illinois

so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.

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(807): View more from Ontario

Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?

(1-807): View more from Ontario

Just flip the mattress, it erases all

(807): View more from Ontario

Done and done

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(586): View more from Michigan

Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage

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(919): View more from North Carolina

She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....

(732): View more from New Jersey

This explains a lot.

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(214): View more from Texas

herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.

(1-214): View more from Texas

ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...

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(250): View more from British Columbia

A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja

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(843): View more from South Carolina

when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo

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(914): View more from New York

I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me

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(818): View more from California

my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.

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(703): View more from Virginia

then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"

(773): View more from Illinois

I forgot about that,good spring break.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway

(860): View more from Connecticut

That's what she gets for taking his peeps.

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(813): View more from Florida

Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.

(1-813): View more from Florida

I ordered a moonbounce.

(813): View more from Florida

Fuck, you win.

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(631): View more from New York

Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??

(713): View more from Texas

Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

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(207): View more from Maine

at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally

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(908): View more from New Jersey

fireball beer pong. youre missing out

(732): View more from New Jersey

how is that even possible?

(908): View more from New Jersey

ove gloves.

(732): View more from New Jersey

be there in ten.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.

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(817): View more from Texas

just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child

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(815): View more from Illinois

Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.

(815): View more from Illinois

Grandpa would have been proud

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(315): View more from New York

They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.

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(972): View more from Texas

They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

And she used to have such long ones. Sad.

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(513): View more from Ohio

sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.

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(773): View more from Illinois

She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married

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(813): View more from Florida

I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.

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(503): View more from Oregon

we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity

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(816): View more from Missouri

Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"

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(502): View more from Kentucky

So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?

(1-502): View more from Kentucky

eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat

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(315): View more from New York

Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.

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(205): View more from Alabama

The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.

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(616): View more from Michigan

this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality

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(858): View more from California

I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign

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(770): View more from Georgia

Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???

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(973): View more from New Jersey

she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops

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(204): View more from Manitoba

some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city

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(330): View more from Ohio

The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.

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(925): View more from California

I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.

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(440): View more from Ohio

You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

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(540): View more from Virginia

just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.

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(650): View more from California

areolas are like halos for boobs.

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(607): View more from New York

I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.

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(518): View more from New York

I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.

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(214): View more from Texas

I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat

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(575): View more from New Mexico

The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"

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(571): View more from Virginia

next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave

(703): View more from Virginia

and miss being on the news....no way

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(973): View more from New Jersey

when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.

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(561): View more from Florida

I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date

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(530): View more from California

my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper

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(518): View more from New York

idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever

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(816): View more from Missouri

Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.

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(602): View more from Arizona

So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka

(479): View more from Arkansas

I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once

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(913): View more from Kansas

Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.

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(406): View more from Montana

also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)

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(248): View more from Michigan

My bottle opener just broke off in the cork

(248): View more from Michigan

They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts

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(951): View more from California

yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.

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(954): View more from Florida

So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.

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(818): View more from California

im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.

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(678): View more from Georgia

i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.

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(347): View more from New York

Moan for me like Helen Keller

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(312): View more from Illinois

I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?

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(503): View more from Oregon

I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.

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(210): View more from Texas

In America we eat man semen.

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(636): View more from Missouri

this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you

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(541): View more from Oregon

What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?

(503): View more from Oregon

3some

(541): View more from Oregon

You're right, stupid question.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.

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(248): View more from Michigan

today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much

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(905): View more from Ontario

The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.

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(214): View more from Texas

decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?

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(208): View more from Idaho

She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.

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(585): View more from New York

she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over

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(812): View more from Indiana

it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked

(1-812): View more from Indiana

tasteful.

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(417): View more from Missouri

My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.

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(703): View more from Virginia

How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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(423): View more from Tennessee

my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg

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(315): View more from New York

covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly

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(708): View more from Illinois

I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

So for us it's double that?

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Precisely.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth

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(585): View more from New York

she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?

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(226): View more from Ontario

i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.

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(847): View more from Illinois

woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.

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(518): View more from New York

She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.

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(714): View more from California

Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.

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(614): View more from Ohio

halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'

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(651): View more from Minnesota

he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.

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(770): View more from Georgia

So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...

(404): View more from Georgia

Dont! You were just serving you country

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(917): View more from New York City

I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.

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(303): View more from Colorado

i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted

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(805): View more from California

IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!

(818): View more from California

A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?

(805): View more from California

CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?

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(207): View more from Maine

Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?

(410): View more from Maryland

The recession has changed everything man.

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(206): View more from Washington

Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.

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(513): View more from Ohio

She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god

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(574): View more from Indiana

god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal

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(801): View more from Utah

so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me

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(904): View more from Florida

someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

He wasn't the only one with a full load.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.

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(760): View more from California

She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places

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(619): View more from California

Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"

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(561): View more from Florida

I can't believe he would be such an ass

(1-561): View more from Florida

Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

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(705): View more from Ontario

Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think

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(845): View more from New York

They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style

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(601): View more from Mississippi

How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?

(318): View more from Louisiana

Alcohol?

(601): View more from Mississippi

Sex with a fat chick.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.

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(404): View more from Georgia

No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other

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(518): View more from New York

I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth

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(812): View more from Indiana

We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.

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(786): View more from Florida

I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(970): View more from Colorado

I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.

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(850): View more from Florida

Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here

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(530): View more from California

I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite

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(704): View more from North Carolina

see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it

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(210): View more from Texas

happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.

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(234): View more from Ohio

omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic

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(260): View more from Indiana

Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five

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(806): View more from Texas

yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....

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(954): View more from Florida

i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.

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(989): View more from Michigan

i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.

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(661): View more from California

I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.

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(716): View more from New York

Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas

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(845): View more from New York

I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"

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(936): View more from Texas

You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?

(812): View more from Indiana

You're dead to me.

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(847): View more from Illinois

You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I'm watching ellen!

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show

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(+52): View more from Mexico

that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

And that worked?

(919): View more from North Carolina

9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.

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(540): View more from Virginia

she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.

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(845): View more from New York

I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.

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(407): View more from Florida

I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???

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(909): View more from California

i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!

(1-228): View more from Mississippi

brownberry?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

We should party with her soon

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(301): View more from Maryland

the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.

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(301): View more from Maryland

let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.

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(716): View more from New York

People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz

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(808): View more from Hawaii

dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd

(1-808): View more from Hawaii

lock that shit down

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(906): View more from Michigan

i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.

(989): View more from Michigan

you're going for the gold here.

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(818): View more from California

If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.

(323): View more from California

Sounds like a plan.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?

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(305): View more from Florida

I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(301): View more from Maryland

I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.

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(607): View more from New York

Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(315): View more from New York

So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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(661): View more from California

the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(910): View more from North Carolina

wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

(910): View more from North Carolina

IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(972): View more from Texas

I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.

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(618): View more from Illinois

he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.

(404): View more from Georgia

you should get a family discount.

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(847): View more from Illinois

2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.

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(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Clearly I made an impression.

(404): View more from Georgia

Or at least your vagina did.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

and?

(609): View more from New Jersey

RIP clitoris

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(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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