Texts From Last Night · cortlabort's Favorites

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cortlabort's Favorites Texts:

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(915): View more from Texas

I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.

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(626): View more from California

obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that

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(216): View more from Ohio

every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.

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(212): View more from New York

all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"

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(708): View more from Illinois

what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.

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(906): View more from Michigan

Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you

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(407): View more from Florida

Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!

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(817): View more from Texas

I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.

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(720): View more from Colorado

You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself

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(719): View more from Colorado

hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.

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(707): View more from California

She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK

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(815): View more from Illinois

I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"

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(705): View more from Ontario

I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.

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(520): View more from Arizona

He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..

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(334): View more from Alabama

Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?

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(315): View more from New York

Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.

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(469): View more from Texas

Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.

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(509): View more from Washington

We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.

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(760): View more from California

can you blow me for old times sake

(951): View more from California

only for old times sake

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(229): View more from Georgia

No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry

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(863): View more from Florida

I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.

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(425): View more from Washington

I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.

(1-425): View more from Washington

No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.

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(313): View more from Michigan

My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He's almost as awesome as vicodin.

(513): View more from Ohio

Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.

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(314): View more from Missouri

For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.

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(806): View more from Texas

He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.

(1-806): View more from Texas

I feel like you never had a virginity..

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(404): View more from Georgia

You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up

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(256): View more from Alabama

I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo

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(972): View more from Texas

the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.

(214): View more from Texas

elevator sex. pronto.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.

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(949): View more from California

In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.

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(408): View more from California

Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.

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(254): View more from Texas

Im just a social blackout drinker.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine

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(925): View more from California

He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.

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(210): View more from Texas

If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.

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(707): View more from California

He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.

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(801): View more from Utah

On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down

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(845): View more from New York

That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...

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(317): View more from Indiana

You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport

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(908): View more from New Jersey

but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.

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(260): View more from Indiana

apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"

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(517): View more from Michigan

at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.

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(802): View more from Vermont

She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious

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(404): View more from Georgia

Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".

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(213): View more from California

your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.

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(248): View more from Michigan

he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.

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(217): View more from Illinois

He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.

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(619): View more from California

I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME

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(973): View more from New Jersey

That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

What did you cook with whisky?

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We started a fire.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome

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(303): View more from Colorado

im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working

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(207): View more from Maine

No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk

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(425): View more from Washington

i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house

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(916): View more from California

The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .

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(208): View more from Idaho

I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave

(617): View more from Massachusetts

dude are you serious?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

I know you already have a pic on your phone

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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(214): View more from Texas

I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited

(1-214): View more from Texas

I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope

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(323): View more from California

Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm drunk

(615): View more from Tennessee

Is that why you're texting me

(405): View more from Oklahoma

Yes

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...

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(407): View more from Florida

i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.

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(518): View more from New York

just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her

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(231): View more from Michigan

I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.

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(519): View more from Ontario

She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has

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(602): View more from Arizona

I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.

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(443): View more from Maryland

THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again

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(503): View more from Oregon

I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.

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(818): View more from California

Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.

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(480): View more from Arizona

He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed

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(847): View more from Illinois

He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment

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(913): View more from Kansas

You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.

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(816): View more from Missouri

he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life

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(870): View more from Arkansas

So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button

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(319): View more from Iowa

i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.

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(630): View more from Illinois

we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same

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(614): View more from Ohio

Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in

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(253): View more from Washington

In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level

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(862): View more from New Jersey

It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.

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(574): View more from Indiana

im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.

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(208): View more from Idaho

They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"

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(845): View more from New York

They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.

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(574): View more from Indiana

I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.

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(913): View more from Kansas

So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.

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(928): View more from Arizona

note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.

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(703): View more from Virginia

No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving

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(310): View more from California

Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.

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(818): View more from California

Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.

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(407): View more from Florida

I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.

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(847): View more from Illinois

just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity

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(301): View more from Maryland

I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.

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(404): View more from Georgia

We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?

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(805): View more from California

He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.

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(847): View more from Illinois

u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends

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(607): View more from New York

He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges

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(518): View more from New York

I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen

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(734): View more from Michigan

Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.

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(707): View more from California

I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.

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(620): View more from Kansas

Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.

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(360): View more from Washington

I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.

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(631): View more from New York

I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them

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(540): View more from Virginia

i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.

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(312): View more from Illinois

You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

That doesn't help me much...

(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm right under the moon!

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(720): View more from Colorado

i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.

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(607): View more from New York

I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.

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(217): View more from Illinois

The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.

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(760): View more from California

so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.

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(517): View more from Michigan

He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls

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(703): View more from Virginia

How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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(418): View more from Quebec

I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."

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(601): View more from Mississippi

He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.

(662): View more from Mississippi

He was trying to put me in handcuffs.

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

You have my attention.

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(408): View more from California

you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face

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(908): View more from New Jersey

He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"

(973): View more from New Jersey

What's this douchebags name?

(908): View more from New Jersey

Rob...

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.

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(214): View more from Texas

Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

K. On the way. I need a drink.

(904): View more from Florida

Like a drink drink or like water?

(601): View more from Mississippi

Have we met?

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(949): View more from California

dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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(903): View more from Texas

I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!

(1-903): View more from Texas

What does that even mean?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups

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(440): View more from Ohio

well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.

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(415): View more from California

I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?

(510): View more from California

I hope so

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands

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(561): View more from Florida

No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south

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(360): View more from Washington

Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.

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(352): View more from Florida

Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.

(352): View more from Florida

And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.

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(914): View more from New York

apparently the secret to your success is patron

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better

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(757): View more from Virginia

I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.

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(845): View more from New York

i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized

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(313): View more from Michigan

The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.

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(805): View more from California

We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.

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(914): View more from New York

how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes

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(619): View more from California

Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich

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(410): View more from Maryland

the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.

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(703): View more from Virginia

She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.

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(817): View more from Texas

I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.

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(503): View more from Oregon

How did you steal an entire pie?

(602): View more from Arizona

I don't know. It's in my purse.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He's only a little bit crosseyed.

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.

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(425): View more from Washington

I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...

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(247): View more from

Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy

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(+61): View more from Australia

She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked

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(732): View more from New Jersey

four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

(732): View more from New Jersey

like it was yesterday

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

no pressure.

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(586): View more from Michigan

he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story

(307): View more from Wyoming

The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.

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(503): View more from Oregon

His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"

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(815): View more from Illinois

Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!

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(512): View more from Texas

We need a plan...

(1-512): View more from Texas

Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark

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(503): View more from Oregon

I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...

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(360): View more from Washington

Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.

(336): View more from North Carolina

"people in the room" being me.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.

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(516): View more from New York

I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"

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(303): View more from Colorado

If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.

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(815): View more from Illinois

she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.

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(954): View more from Florida

What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?

(904): View more from Florida

Both

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(562): View more from California

Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on

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(773): View more from Illinois

I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it

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(706): View more from Georgia

I think I'm in Tiajuana

(404): View more from Georgia

You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago

(706): View more from Georgia

I could be

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(704): View more from North Carolina

We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.

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(760): View more from California

What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?

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(404): View more from Georgia

My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.

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(229): View more from Georgia

Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?

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(206): View more from Washington

You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..

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(630): View more from Illinois

He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.

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(410): View more from Maryland

i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"

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(256): View more from Alabama

i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

dude how high are you right now?

(256): View more from Alabama

do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you

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(856): View more from New Jersey

FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo

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(949): View more from California

Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.

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(630): View more from Illinois

all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

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(901): View more from Tennessee

i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers

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(248): View more from Michigan

he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?

(810): View more from Michigan

humiliate her

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(831): View more from California

Hey, what are you up to?

(802): View more from Vermont

Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.

(802): View more from Vermont

Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.

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(210): View more from Texas

yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."

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(585): View more from New York

you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.

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(979): View more from Texas

so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Want to have sex later?

(614): View more from Ohio

This feels like a trap

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(678): View more from Georgia

He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?

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(714): View more from California

I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.

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(520): View more from Arizona

If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

bl l w

(201): View more from New Jersey

this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.

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(951): View more from California

I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha

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(512): View more from Texas

And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes

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(540): View more from Virginia

Whore.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I was being facetious

(540): View more from Virginia

Don't try to hide behind big words.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.

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(714): View more from California

It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends

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(770): View more from Georgia

A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?

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(516): View more from New York

I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes

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(416): View more from Toronto

he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?

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(303): View more from Colorado

She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.

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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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(571): View more from Virginia

i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things

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(502): View more from Kentucky

update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention

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(916): View more from California

I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...

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(816): View more from Missouri

That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.

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(256): View more from Alabama

You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Best. Handjob. Ever.

(905): View more from Ontario

I'm guessing Kelly is over?

(416): View more from Toronto

Nope. Home alone.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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(512): View more from Texas

You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.

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(714): View more from California

Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.

(562): View more from California

You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.

(714): View more from California

Well someones bitter they didn't get any.

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(720): View more from Colorado

She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.

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(818): View more from California

Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.

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(831): View more from California

It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.

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(509): View more from Washington

Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.

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(408): View more from California

It's chlamydia! Thank God!

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(785): View more from Kansas

Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him

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(845): View more from New York

The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?

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(207): View more from Maine

There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.

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(916): View more from California

I hate ducks.

(916): View more from California

What?

(916): View more from California

they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.

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(360): View more from Washington

I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days

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(313): View more from Michigan

So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.

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(913): View more from Kansas

id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Umm you met him three days ago....

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I said what I said

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(561): View more from Florida

Bad news is he broke up with me via text message

(561): View more from Florida

But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville

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(+33): View more from France

On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."

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(281): View more from Texas

She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake

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(845): View more from New York

I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening

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(973): View more from New Jersey

random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex

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(718): View more from New York

Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.

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(720): View more from Colorado

If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.

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(209): View more from California

i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.

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(616): View more from Michigan

who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss

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(612): View more from Minnesota

only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.

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(813): View more from Florida

Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.

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(248): View more from Michigan

My bottle opener just broke off in the cork

(248): View more from Michigan

They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts

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(507): View more from Minnesota

The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."

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(507): View more from Minnesota

So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation

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(+61): View more from Australia

Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.

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(210): View more from Texas

Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.

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(516): View more from New York

no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"

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(727): View more from Florida

Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Can i come over

(240): View more from Maryland

After you called me a desperate slut? No

(240): View more from Maryland

Come over

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(813): View more from Florida

We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.

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(705): View more from Ontario

She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.

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(727): View more from Florida

Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick

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(843): View more from South Carolina

You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.

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(863): View more from Florida

I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?

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(813): View more from Florida

my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me

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(815): View more from Illinois

i don't really know how much tequila is too much

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now

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(806): View more from Texas

You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

(1-806): View more from Texas

Best pick-up line ever!

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(732): View more from New Jersey

the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life

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(914): View more from New York

you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.

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(970): View more from Colorado

we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome

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(530): View more from California

I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me

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(812): View more from Indiana

I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.

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(773): View more from Illinois

is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?

(773): View more from Illinois

it's more of a rinse.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.

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(314): View more from Missouri

we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.

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(716): View more from New York

I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.

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(239): View more from Florida

I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking

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(775): View more from Nevada

Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.

(504): View more from Louisiana

Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.

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(248): View more from Michigan

She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems

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(585): View more from New York

I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.

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(586): View more from Michigan

apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"

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(425): View more from Washington

Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.

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(904): View more from Florida

Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.

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(305): View more from Florida

its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I honestly don't know what to make of that.

(423): View more from Tennessee

A ham sandwich would be nice.

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(785): View more from Kansas

if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal

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(616): View more from Michigan

I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!

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(480): View more from Arizona

Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.

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(703): View more from Virginia

okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?

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(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it

(651): View more from Minnesota

nevermind its newpaper

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(650): View more from California

so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.

(1-650): View more from California

did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(845): View more from New York

Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.

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(518): View more from New York

In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.

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(858): View more from California

you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"

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(425): View more from Washington

Hi

(805): View more from California

Babe...You're really smothering me right now

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.

(1-775): View more from Nevada

What!?!?! How are you txting?!

(775): View more from Nevada

Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?

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(985): View more from Louisiana

when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"

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(706): View more from Georgia

He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times

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(509): View more from Washington

I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.

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(404): View more from Georgia

he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off

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(905): View more from Ontario

i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'

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(302): View more from Delaware

I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome

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(408): View more from California

I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

we've started having sober sex

(203): View more from Connecticut

you really do like him

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(847): View more from Illinois

Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.

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(619): View more from California

I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.

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(316): View more from Kansas

You love me.

(785): View more from Kansas

That's because, tragically, I adore whores.

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(269): View more from Michigan

He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.

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(406): View more from Montana

I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.

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(903): View more from Texas

omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.

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(315): View more from New York

Hello wreck, this is your train calling.

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(661): View more from California

new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.

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(806): View more from Texas

We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.

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(773): View more from Illinois

arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better

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(847): View more from Illinois

Whoa, Gary Coleman died

(224): View more from Illinois

Whatchu talkin bout?!?!

(847): View more from Illinois

Too soon.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over

(314): View more from Missouri

you can't hurt those

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy

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(630): View more from Illinois

We stopped her at 12

(708): View more from Illinois

12 shots? Or 12 midnight?

(630): View more from Illinois

Which answer would freak you out less

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I hate the hobo that sits outside our building

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Joe or Chris?

(314): View more from Missouri

do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?

(1-314): View more from Missouri

well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook

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(708): View more from Illinois

sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed

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(208): View more from Idaho

why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

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(517): View more from Michigan

this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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(954): View more from Florida

Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".

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(949): View more from California

You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend

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(440): View more from Ohio

just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal

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(304): View more from West Virginia

But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game

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(212): View more from New York

mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.

(504): View more from Louisiana

Who won?

(225): View more from Louisiana

All of them.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

ru fi oooo

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.

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(786): View more from Florida

i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today

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(512): View more from Texas

She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."

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(303): View more from Colorado

I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.

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(702): View more from Nevada

can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt

(702): View more from Nevada

maybe shoes and water too

(702): View more from Nevada

oh and maybe a noose to hang myself

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(703): View more from Virginia

Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!

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(817): View more from Texas

how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

Or a large amount of condoms?!?

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(647): View more from Ontario

You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.

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(480): View more from Arizona

The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag

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(248): View more from Michigan

So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...

(703): View more from Virginia

oh

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(225): View more from Louisiana

he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?

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(301): View more from Maryland

i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c

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(314): View more from Missouri

There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.

(818): View more from California

Punch her baby.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.

(770): View more from Georgia

WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!

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(301): View more from Maryland

I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Who haven't you slept with?

(703): View more from Virginia

No one comes to mind.

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(407): View more from Florida

I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.

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(940): View more from Texas

The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.

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(205): View more from Alabama

you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!

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(703): View more from Virginia

You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.

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(727): View more from Florida

how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better

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(802): View more from Vermont

you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

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(904): View more from Florida

he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons

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(813): View more from Florida

I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?

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(450): View more from Quebec

I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...

(450): View more from Quebec

On that note, do I have a rule?

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(208): View more from Idaho

My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.

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(435): View more from Utah

Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.

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(941): View more from Florida

can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?

(1-941): View more from Florida

idk, I had a turtle in mine.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks

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(914): View more from New York

every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now

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(248): View more from Michigan

first off, his name is dougie. strike one.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.

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(256): View more from Alabama

from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.

(334): View more from Alabama

i do.

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(408): View more from California

i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both

(650): View more from California

i think otters can do that

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you definitely held a convo with a hobo

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

we have a secret handshake

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(337): View more from Louisiana

i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.

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(773): View more from Illinois

So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first

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(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

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(703): View more from Virginia

Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life

(541): View more from Oregon

Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?

(1-920): View more from Wisconsin

no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?

(920): View more from Wisconsin

he wasn't. neither were you.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles

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(716): View more from New York

You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.

(417): View more from Missouri

I'm going for alcohol poisoning.

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(818): View more from California

Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode

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(850): View more from Florida

Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.

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(217): View more from Illinois

he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.

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(813): View more from Florida

My mind said no, but my drink said yes.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.

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(305): View more from Florida

I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.

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(518): View more from New York

everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.

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(516): View more from New York

Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"

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(317): View more from Indiana

I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.

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(618): View more from Illinois

remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself

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(949): View more from California

Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.

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(810): View more from Michigan

we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.

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(949): View more from California

who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool

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(303): View more from Colorado

friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension

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(616): View more from Michigan

You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.

(248): View more from Michigan

no

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(313): View more from Michigan

Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it

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(408): View more from California

worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.

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(989): View more from Michigan

did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know

(1-989): View more from Michigan

no

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(805): View more from California

He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex

(949): View more from California

How do you have pretend sex?

(805): View more from California

It was bad...so it was pretend

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(631): View more from New York

we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.

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(714): View more from California

I need hand sanitizer and jesus.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

"Monday" is guna come over...

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

but its Thursday?

(225): View more from Louisiana

yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go

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(408): View more from California

every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?

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(818): View more from California

he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came

(323): View more from California

i love that song!

(818): View more from California

NOT THE POINT

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(410): View more from Maryland

we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.

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(773): View more from Illinois

why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.

(608): View more from Wisconsin

Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.

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(417): View more from Missouri

p.s. you have a small clit

(1-417): View more from Missouri

YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away

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(303): View more from Colorado

The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.

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(217): View more from Illinois

you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

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(716): View more from New York

the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i dont even know how to be here

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(720): View more from Colorado

i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?

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(816): View more from Missouri

Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina

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(973): View more from New Jersey

gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

i am grossed the fuck out

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(317): View more from Indiana

so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you

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(416): View more from Ontario

So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.

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(669): View more from California

sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall

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(630): View more from Illinois

bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.

(716): View more from New York

i dont this its possible to queef on command.

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(434): View more from Virginia

Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.

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(512): View more from Texas

got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.

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(941): View more from Florida

For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.

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(949): View more from California

you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."

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(845): View more from New York

what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?

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(850): View more from Florida

So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

you have to choose: penises or morals?

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(785): View more from Kansas

Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

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(703): View more from Virginia

I can feel you judging me through the phone.

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(210): View more from Texas

I just want to hang out with her.

(916): View more from California

You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.

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(718): View more from New York

At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(216): View more from Ohio

ok i said sorry. what else do you want?

(740): View more from Ohio

100 blowjobs

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(315): View more from New York

We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

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(314): View more from Missouri

I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.

(1-216): View more from Ohio

It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.

(216): View more from Ohio

He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.

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(607): View more from New York

can we get nightvision for the apartment?

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(314): View more from Missouri

So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?

(816): View more from Missouri

Most never. Some around 65.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

seriously i just wanna be friends

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

pass

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?

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(740): View more from Ohio

They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar

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(469): View more from Texas

Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick

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(303): View more from Colorado

No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?

(917): View more from New York City

what kind of party is this?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

the best kind ever

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(941): View more from Florida

She is totally STD

(941): View more from Florida

Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD

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(540): View more from Virginia

It was kinda weird being the boss

(1-540): View more from Virginia

Did you feel like Tony Danza?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'

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(281): View more from Texas

Thanks for getting me home last night.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.

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(239): View more from Florida

I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?

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(740): View more from Ohio

ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

so when am I gonna get some from you?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

when you dick grows 3 inches

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

And why did you do that?

(857): View more from Massachusetts

Tequila

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(229): View more from Georgia

It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.

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(310): View more from California

but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.

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(802): View more from Vermont

the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME

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(647): View more from Ontario

she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf

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(248): View more from Michigan

Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

That's the best idea I've heard all day.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.

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(1-415): View more from California

What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?

(415): View more from California

Irish Spring?

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(970): View more from Colorado

I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(703): View more from Virginia

I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically

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(607): View more from New York

If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.

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(904): View more from Florida

the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.

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(801): View more from Utah

You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.

(1-801): View more from Utah

There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.

(801): View more from Utah

alright see you in the morning.

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(510): View more from California

I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.

(702): View more from Nevada

Are you high?

(510): View more from California

No. That's why it's odd

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.

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(571): View more from Virginia

the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets

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(718): View more from New York

One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"

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(218): View more from Minnesota

i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.

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(941): View more from Florida

thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.

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(970): View more from Colorado

3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.

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(805): View more from California

peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..

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(312): View more from Illinois

she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?

(1-312): View more from Illinois

not while she was awake

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(901): View more from Tennessee

After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?

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(206): View more from Washington

Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.

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(650): View more from California

in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",

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(818): View more from California

people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.

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(212): View more from New York

You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.

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(513): View more from Ohio

you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.

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(936): View more from Texas

Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.

(1-936): View more from Texas

Can I eat your pillow?

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(850): View more from Florida

hey. who tried to drive me home last night?

(904): View more from Florida

not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?

(850): View more from Florida

i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.

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(205): View more from Alabama

soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out

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(210): View more from Texas

He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

guys are only as good as the porn they watch

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA

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(323): View more from California

Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?

(1-323): View more from California

We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?

(323): View more from California

Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.

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(805): View more from California

she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back

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(408): View more from California

ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me

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(742): View more from

What happened last night?

(1-742): View more from

You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.

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(361): View more from Texas

Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed

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(443): View more from Maryland

i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober

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(313): View more from Michigan

i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

whats a bus flip?

(225): View more from Louisiana

idk but apparently i invented it

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Why am I in a dog kennel?

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

It was for your own safety

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(970): View more from Colorado

Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.

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(408): View more from California

Maybe my heart is located in my vagina

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(630): View more from Illinois

I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.

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(541): View more from Oregon

woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I'm watching ellen!

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show

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(571): View more from Virginia

You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?

(703): View more from Virginia

I don't even know what potassium is.

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(301): View more from Maryland

i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

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(651): View more from Minnesota

She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

We should party with her soon

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(540): View more from Virginia

I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.

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(386): View more from Florida

Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him

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(646): View more from New York

You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.

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(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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(817): View more from Texas

At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.

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(949): View more from California

We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations

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(248): View more from Michigan

Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

it's 1 pm.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

You got my ass fired just for knowing you

(479): View more from Arkansas

thanks for the bacon

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(541): View more from Oregon

You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"

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(519): View more from Ontario

So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?

(636): View more from Missouri

anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence

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(604): View more from British Columbia

his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed

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(503): View more from Oregon

My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.

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(817): View more from Texas

After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

those are such fre$h shoes

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(310): View more from California

based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment

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(936): View more from Texas

he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.

(812): View more from Indiana

and...?

(936): View more from Texas

I told him it was alright.

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(209): View more from California

You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.

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(303): View more from Colorado

i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed

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(415): View more from California

the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication

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(651): View more from Minnesota

All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.

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(906): View more from Michigan

Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore

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(519): View more from Ontario

I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.

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(614): View more from Ohio

If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.

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(559): View more from California

So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?

(1-559): View more from California

That depends on who this is.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?

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(+61): View more from Australia

I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.

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(714): View more from California

I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

(949): View more from California

I gave it to your brother to give to you.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.

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(407): View more from Florida

I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.

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(678): View more from Georgia

why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?

(770): View more from Georgia

I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle

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(607): View more from New York

You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

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(917): View more from New York City

Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?

(212): View more from New York

Vagina

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(801): View more from Utah

all he gave me for my birthday was sperm

(254): View more from Texas

at least its a homemade gift

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(515): View more from Iowa

Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby

(1-515): View more from Iowa

What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.

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(240): View more from Maryland

were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?

(301): View more from Maryland

yes! wait why?

(240): View more from Maryland

because i found it in my pocket this morning...

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(425): View more from Washington

im bored tell me something entertaining

(206): View more from Washington

You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.

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(573): View more from Missouri

You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.

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(616): View more from Michigan

You are an asshole

(574): View more from Indiana

haha sleeping beauty awakes.

(616): View more from Michigan

Where did you find this costume?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Do you have a shampoo for semen

(604): View more from British Columbia

Or a time machine

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(734): View more from Michigan

i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

what was she crying about?

(734): View more from Michigan

i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.

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(305): View more from Florida

Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way

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(510): View more from California

he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

6 min

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