Texts From Last Night · tayylorrr's Favorites

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tayylorrr's Favorites Texts:

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(443): View more from Maryland

you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.

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(773): View more from Illinois

btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs

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(937): View more from Ohio

And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.

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(406): View more from Montana

she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"

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(443): View more from Maryland

he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off

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(352): View more from Florida

Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.

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(407): View more from Florida

you definitely have a few illegitimate kids

(1-407): View more from Florida

probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine

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(870): View more from Arkansas

This bar receipt from last night makes no sense

(573): View more from Missouri

You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total

(870): View more from Arkansas

I wish that would've worked

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(219): View more from Indiana

Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

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(530): View more from California

I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will

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(708): View more from Illinois

if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again

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(778): View more from British Columbia

When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.

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(216): View more from Ohio

he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.

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(540): View more from Virginia

we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here

(540): View more from Virginia

you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill

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(270): View more from Kentucky

The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".

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(330): View more from Ohio

You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.

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(503): View more from Oregon

He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs

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(303): View more from Colorado

We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.

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(415): View more from California

When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

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(815): View more from Illinois

I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance

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(636): View more from Missouri

she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.

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(613): View more from Ontario

there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.

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(512): View more from Texas

Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?

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(443): View more from Maryland

she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.

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(903): View more from Texas

She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".

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(845): View more from New York

Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.

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(845): View more from New York

you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away

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(513): View more from Ohio

I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.

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(519): View more from Ontario

ambylanc

(1-519): View more from Ontario

what?

(519): View more from Ontario

there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...

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(323): View more from California

Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me

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(417): View more from Missouri

Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.

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(415): View more from California

Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.

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(707): View more from California

You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week

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(804): View more from Virginia

she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"

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(480): View more from Arizona

He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed

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(443): View more from Maryland

told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...

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(440): View more from Ohio

omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

well now I have to

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(443): View more from Maryland

this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.

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(217): View more from Illinois

she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...

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(706): View more from Georgia

having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..

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(650): View more from California

party gras won. party gras always wins.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...

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(813): View more from Florida

im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.

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(360): View more from Washington

Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?

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(804): View more from Virginia

Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

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(607): View more from New York

You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(416): View more from Ontario

you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

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(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(720): View more from Colorado

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(734): View more from Michigan

I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...

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(352): View more from Florida

The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.

(1-352): View more from Florida

Oh God. You're going to jail

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(614): View more from Ohio

Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE

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(631): View more from New York

I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.

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(903): View more from Texas

Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.

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(714): View more from California

He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick

(714): View more from California

Ive only called 5 times

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?

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(408): View more from California

My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable

(818): View more from California

Freshman in high school? Just your type

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.

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(847): View more from Illinois

as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"

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(248): View more from Michigan

The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...

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(703): View more from Virginia

in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.

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(216): View more from Ohio

let's bang

(773): View more from Illinois

You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets

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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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(903): View more from Texas

I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.

(214): View more from Texas

It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.

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(314): View more from Missouri

screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.

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(941): View more from Florida

Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here

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(301): View more from Maryland

just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.

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(954): View more from Florida

STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA

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(310): View more from California

We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.

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(703): View more from Virginia

What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?

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(229): View more from Georgia

I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.

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(458): View more from Oregon

Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.

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(516): View more from New York

Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.

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(819): View more from Quebec

We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology

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(707): View more from California

Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.

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(914): View more from New York

He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt

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(740): View more from Ohio

I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you

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(217): View more from Illinois

I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...

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(845): View more from New York

dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.

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(559): View more from California

can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.

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(206): View more from Washington

Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...

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(248): View more from Michigan

Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.

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(213): View more from California

You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40

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(478): View more from Georgia

All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."

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(360): View more from Washington

He made me a "booty call of the year" award.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.

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(229): View more from Georgia

I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea

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(650): View more from California

Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?

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(512): View more from Texas

Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him

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(914): View more from New York

There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.

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(818): View more from California

Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.

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(301): View more from Maryland

we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"

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(317): View more from Indiana

He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

(1-317): View more from Indiana

He's the fucking cop whisperer.

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(240): View more from Maryland

i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.

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(514): View more from Quebec

maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge

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(248): View more from Michigan

Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense

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(530): View more from California

Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me

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(269): View more from Michigan

I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."

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(513): View more from Ohio

Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?

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(269): View more from Michigan

Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.

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(817): View more from Texas

He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...

(1-817): View more from Texas

Actually, she's fat now, so...

(817): View more from Texas

Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.

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(209): View more from California

You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.

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(773): View more from Illinois

You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"

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(+03): View more from

Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'

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(850): View more from Florida

What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?

(1-850): View more from Florida

Her vagina devoured it.

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."

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(315): View more from New York

We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us

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(442): View more from California

seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong

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(815): View more from Illinois

the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?

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(870): View more from Arkansas

You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"

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(678): View more from Georgia

did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband

(404): View more from Georgia

did it work?

(678): View more from Georgia

nope

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes

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(806): View more from Texas

I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.

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(206): View more from Washington

My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town

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(312): View more from Illinois

the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses

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(937): View more from Ohio

Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."

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(216): View more from Ohio

I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?

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(419): View more from Ohio

fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.

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(443): View more from Maryland

she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.

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(+61): View more from Australia

She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.

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(914): View more from New York

I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea

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(334): View more from Alabama

I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me

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(575): View more from New Mexico

My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.

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(954): View more from Florida

I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.

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(303): View more from Colorado

dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.

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(330): View more from Ohio

He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future

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(802): View more from Vermont

What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.

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(208): View more from Idaho

They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...

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(210): View more from Texas

If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great

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(304): View more from West Virginia

his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.

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(770): View more from Georgia

At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog

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(512): View more from Texas

Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?

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(813): View more from Florida

Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??

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(773): View more from Illinois

She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"

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(845): View more from New York

she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.

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(425): View more from Washington

Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming

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(913): View more from Kansas

You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.

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(914): View more from New York

you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.

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(562): View more from California

I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.

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(903): View more from Texas

He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.

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(260): View more from Indiana

you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you

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(613): View more from Ontario

I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.

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(214): View more from Texas

No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.

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(914): View more from New York

im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj

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(704): View more from North Carolina

It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"

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(509): View more from Washington

am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.

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(858): View more from California

while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go

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(503): View more from Oregon

He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?

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(913): View more from Kansas

The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.

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(706): View more from Georgia

He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times

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(631): View more from New York

woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?

(516): View more from New York

you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.

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(210): View more from Texas

Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.

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(302): View more from Delaware

He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".

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(315): View more from New York

There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy

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(707): View more from California

I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..

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(302): View more from Delaware

I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress

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(705): View more from Ontario

All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it

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(313): View more from Michigan

I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."

(423): View more from Tennessee

Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(530): View more from California

You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.

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(917): View more from New York City

I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".

(262): View more from Wisconsin

I am the king of creep.

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(646): View more from New York

How is your vagina???

(941): View more from Florida

Double booked

(646): View more from New York

With your butt?

(941): View more from Florida

Totes, candlesticks and all

(646): View more from New York

Yay!!

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(313): View more from Michigan

These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified

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(720): View more from Colorado

I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.

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(905): View more from Ontario

i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself

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(626): View more from California

We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.

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(254): View more from Texas

she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.

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(607): View more from New York

She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.

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(281): View more from Texas

my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family

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(914): View more from New York

all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is

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(435): View more from Utah

Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...

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(248): View more from Michigan

i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech

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(813): View more from Florida

It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.

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(216): View more from Ohio

you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission

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(817): View more from Texas

I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.

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(512): View more from Texas

Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.

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(650): View more from California

I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?

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(720): View more from Colorado

the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis

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(313): View more from Michigan

Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.

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(713): View more from Texas

This dude is being a total douche

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.

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(817): View more from Texas

Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"

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(916): View more from California

Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?

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(786): View more from Florida

i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"

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(970): View more from Colorado

Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.

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(207): View more from Maine

I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off

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(732): View more from New Jersey

His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'

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(517): View more from Michigan

we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

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(330): View more from Ohio

i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.

(614): View more from Ohio

My vagina agrees.

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(302): View more from Delaware

You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics

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(619): View more from California

You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...

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(425): View more from Washington

You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.

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(406): View more from Montana

I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.

(1-406): View more from Montana

Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even

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(817): View more from Texas

In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.

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(512): View more from Texas

Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

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(480): View more from Arizona

From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.

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(847): View more from Illinois

you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.

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(980): View more from North Carolina

when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.

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(925): View more from California

if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together

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(251): View more from Alabama

Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?

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(614): View more from Ohio

I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.

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(951): View more from California

At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.

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(512): View more from Texas

We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops

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(952): View more from Minnesota

You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear

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(575): View more from New Mexico

So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?

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(443): View more from Maryland

Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.

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(703): View more from Virginia

He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.

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(256): View more from Alabama

No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.

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(846): View more from

he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.

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(727): View more from Florida

Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs

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(805): View more from California

He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.

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(951): View more from California

Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.

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(+33): View more from France

Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee

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(831): View more from California

No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.

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(618): View more from Illinois

she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far

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(260): View more from Indiana

I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.

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(707): View more from California

He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".

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(205): View more from Alabama

Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.

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(847): View more from Illinois

cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me

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(954): View more from Florida

I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"

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(812): View more from Indiana

ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one

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(309): View more from Illinois

I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.

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(516): View more from New York

I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye

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(913): View more from Kansas

Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.

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(703): View more from Virginia

drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip

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(505): View more from New Mexico

i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...

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(830): View more from Texas

What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple

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(205): View more from Alabama

the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.

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(585): View more from New York

i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?

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(310): View more from California

she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Howd you meet this guy?

(612): View more from Minnesota

I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

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(416): View more from Toronto

you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby

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(816): View more from Missouri

At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks

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(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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(716): View more from New York

If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.

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(757): View more from Virginia

It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.

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(516): View more from New York

The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.

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(619): View more from California

Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.

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(302): View more from Delaware

She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.

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(303): View more from Colorado

we're about an hour out, how's the weather?

(720): View more from Colorado

cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.

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(719): View more from Colorado

No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.

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(210): View more from Texas

I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk

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(770): View more from Georgia

Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.

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(707): View more from California

She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now

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(708): View more from Illinois

He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.

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(206): View more from Washington

She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.

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(315): View more from New York

I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.

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(303): View more from Colorado

wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil

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(636): View more from Missouri

It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade

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(706): View more from Georgia

What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"

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(925): View more from California

I hope this adventure ends at a hospital

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(315): View more from New York

I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.

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(850): View more from Florida

I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will

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(518): View more from New York

I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.

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(650): View more from California

You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.

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(281): View more from Texas

Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?

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(630): View more from Illinois

He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.

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(408): View more from California

I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.

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(530): View more from California

Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You could give me a blowjob later? :)

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I meant do something romantic..

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Blowjob In the moonlight?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..

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(301): View more from Maryland

I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.

(704): View more from North Carolina

How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?

(301): View more from Maryland

Salt in an open wound right now.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

That doesn't help me much...

(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm right under the moon!

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?

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(205): View more from Alabama

Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back

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(919): View more from North Carolina

All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS

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(970): View more from Colorado

Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.

(970): View more from Colorado

Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.

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(714): View more from California

Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.

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(661): View more from California

i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn

(952): View more from Minnesota

what?

(612): View more from Minnesota

i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn

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(972): View more from Texas

they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!

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(208): View more from Idaho

Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Woah.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

that's not how you spell hell yes.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.

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(917): View more from New York City

found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him

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(703): View more from Virginia

She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.

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(905): View more from Toronto

so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?

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(520): View more from Arizona

I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth

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(315): View more from New York

i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.

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(863): View more from Florida

she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?

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(850): View more from Florida

i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once

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(616): View more from Michigan

Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?

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(613): View more from Ontario

Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.

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(647): View more from Ontario

She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.

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(314): View more from Missouri

We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.

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(503): View more from Oregon

well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!

(1-330): View more from Ohio

is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?

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(347): View more from New York

A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm

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(773): View more from Illinois

Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex

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(720): View more from Colorado

He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.

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(631): View more from New York

You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...

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(636): View more from Missouri

& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'

(636): View more from Missouri

HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!

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(702): View more from Nevada

Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now

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(515): View more from Iowa

at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING

(617): View more from Massachusetts

you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.

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(206): View more from Washington

No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands

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(713): View more from Texas

He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.

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(530): View more from California

regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle

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(804): View more from Virginia

IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT

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(585): View more from New York

Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello

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(719): View more from Colorado

we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about

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(519): View more from Ontario

Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.

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(313): View more from Michigan

tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve

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(678): View more from Georgia

Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no

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(740): View more from Ohio

you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking

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(867): View more from Yukon/N.W.Territory

lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it

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(517): View more from Michigan

I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.

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(706): View more from Georgia

They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods

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(613): View more from Ontario

You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one

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(303): View more from Colorado

One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.

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(904): View more from Florida

Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.

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(239): View more from Florida

While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.

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(512): View more from Texas

Did yall have sex?

(214): View more from Texas

Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?

(512): View more from Texas

Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen

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(256): View more from Alabama

Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

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(214): View more from Texas

I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited

(1-214): View more from Texas

I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven

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(201): View more from New Jersey

It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.

(601): View more from Mississippi

Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly

(901): View more from Tennessee

...are you coming on to me?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.

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(905): View more from Ontario

the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.

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(641): View more from Iowa

she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...

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(908): View more from New Jersey

He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment

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(425): View more from Washington

Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story

(307): View more from Wyoming

The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.

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(773): View more from Illinois

literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in

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(804): View more from Virginia

Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.

(1-804): View more from Virginia

U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha

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(609): View more from New Jersey

my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.

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(432): View more from Texas

Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"

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(757): View more from Virginia

she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...

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(404): View more from Georgia

He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.

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(801): View more from Utah

You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.

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(703): View more from Virginia

i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me

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(440): View more from Ohio

As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.

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(587): View more from Alberta

the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"

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(679): View more from Michigan

You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.

(679): View more from Michigan

You really are best friends.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".

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(850): View more from Florida

Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.

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(407): View more from Florida

im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes

(1-407): View more from Florida

i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.

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(806): View more from Texas

A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"

(501): View more from Arkansas

Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...

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(555): View more from

Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.

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(585): View more from New York

broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.

(716): View more from New York

you're writing country songs now?

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(917): View more from New York City

i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab

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(856): View more from New Jersey

My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you

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(602): View more from Arizona

hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad

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(301): View more from Maryland

Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame

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(714): View more from California

I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room

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(336): View more from North Carolina

We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her

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(310): View more from California

So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.

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(720): View more from Colorado

haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"

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(757): View more from Virginia

my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...

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(204): View more from Manitoba

My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash

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(208): View more from Idaho

I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK

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(773): View more from Illinois

When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"

(312): View more from Illinois

Prob not but she was surprised

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(314): View more from Missouri

You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...

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(314): View more from Missouri

Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."

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(719): View more from Colorado

He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"

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(713): View more from Texas

After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.

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(740): View more from Ohio

she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse

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(406): View more from Montana

I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"

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(585): View more from New York

just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.

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(239): View more from Florida

all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.

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(513): View more from Ohio

The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon

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(859): View more from Kentucky

you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.

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(845): View more from New York

My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet

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(312): View more from Illinois

he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl

(313): View more from Michigan

you mean his girlfriend

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(760): View more from California

It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.

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(770): View more from Georgia

he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took

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(240): View more from Maryland

Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.

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(903): View more from Texas

I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.

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(917): View more from New York City

omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.

(310): View more from California

wait, who's paul?

(917): View more from New York City

exactly.

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(440): View more from Ohio

But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I love you

(720): View more from Colorado

are you drunk

(440): View more from Ohio

yes but I def love you, we should get married

(720): View more from Colorado

But I'm Jewish

(440): View more from Ohio

embrace Jesus

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(816): View more from Missouri

So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeeah thank god

(816): View more from Missouri

Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.

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(312): View more from Illinois

i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it

(917): View more from New York City

the suitcase or the dildo?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.

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(702): View more from Nevada

So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"

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(845): View more from New York

I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"

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(309): View more from Illinois

She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home

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(704): View more from North Carolina

they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Are you high?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"

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(229): View more from Georgia

You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru

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(310): View more from California

While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

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(970): View more from Colorado

There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!

(508): View more from Massachusetts

because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.

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(718): View more from New York

I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"

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(818): View more from California

They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.

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(707): View more from California

just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.

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(818): View more from California

I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing

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(901): View more from Tennessee

i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.

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(706): View more from Georgia

So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma

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(914): View more from New York

i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"

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(620): View more from Kansas

He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.

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(210): View more from Texas

yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."

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(585): View more from New York

you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.

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(407): View more from Florida

I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city

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(863): View more from Florida

I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good

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(410): View more from Maryland

she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur

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(515): View more from Iowa

he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

What did I say to him last night?

(385): View more from Utah

Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

all in all not a bad night

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(248): View more from Michigan

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

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(708): View more from Illinois

just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"

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(734): View more from Michigan

just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"

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(714): View more from California

i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock

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(406): View more from Montana

Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...

(303): View more from Colorado

Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?

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(416): View more from Ontario

Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home

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(706): View more from Georgia

So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.

(404): View more from Georgia

I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?

(706): View more from Georgia

Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.

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(510): View more from California

I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...

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(519): View more from Ontario

You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

did you fuck him yet?

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?

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(703): View more from Virginia

i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!

(804): View more from Virginia

Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!

(703): View more from Virginia

well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.

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(770): View more from Georgia

honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?

(1-770): View more from Georgia

you.

(770): View more from Georgia

oh yeah. preciate

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(404): View more from Georgia

He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.

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(847): View more from Illinois

You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head

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(+61): View more from Australia

we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.

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(231): View more from Michigan

i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget

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(719): View more from Colorado

wanna go halves on a baby?

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(318): View more from Louisiana

why is allison so mad at me??

(469): View more from Texas

me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".

(318): View more from Louisiana

crap..

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

I mean not really

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.

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(706): View more from Georgia

i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"

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(404): View more from Georgia

He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.

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(256): View more from Alabama

you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."

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(585): View more from New York

when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood

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(513): View more from Ohio

You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.

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(416): View more from Toronto

After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"

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(510): View more from California

I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

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(812): View more from Indiana

You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party

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(818): View more from California

i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign

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(416): View more from Toronto

He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n

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(443): View more from Maryland

she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

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