Texts From Last Night · Rissa31973's Favorites

Rissa31973's Favorites Texts:

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(310): View more from California

I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.

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(757): View more from Virginia

No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.

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(937): View more from Ohio

This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.

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(703): View more from Virginia

We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.

(540): View more from Virginia

You guys make me sad

(703): View more from Virginia

You misspelled jealous there

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(703): View more from Virginia

just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident

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(419): View more from Ohio

Why is your signature on my underwear?

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(785): View more from Kansas

It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...

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(541): View more from Oregon

I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.

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(979): View more from Texas

We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.

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(305): View more from Florida

He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.

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(305): View more from Florida

After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.

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(972): View more from Texas

The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way

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(540): View more from Virginia

First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.

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(305): View more from Florida

i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot

(1-305): View more from Florida

lets call myth busters

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(631): View more from New York

This beer is not sobering me up at all

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(765): View more from Indiana

She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed

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(917): View more from New York City

I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

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(503): View more from Oregon

I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT

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(256): View more from Alabama

You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril

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(847): View more from Illinois

he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?

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(256): View more from Alabama

He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition

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(760): View more from California

Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...

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(415): View more from California

Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony

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(520): View more from Arizona

So you had sex with my brother?

(1-520): View more from Arizona

It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club

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(816): View more from Missouri

It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea

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(714): View more from California

Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.

(562): View more from California

You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.

(714): View more from California

Well someones bitter they didn't get any.

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(408): View more from California

It's chlamydia! Thank God!

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(315): View more from New York

can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...

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(732): View more from New Jersey

all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph

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(818): View more from California

Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.

(818): View more from California

And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!

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(815): View more from Illinois

Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.

(1-417): View more from Missouri

That's because you are an idiot.

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(607): View more from New York

Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.

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(813): View more from Florida

We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.

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(440): View more from Ohio

i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.

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(+54): View more from

My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.

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(425): View more from Washington

Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way

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(813): View more from Florida

She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.

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(727): View more from Florida

Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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(817): View more from Texas

They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.

(214): View more from Texas

Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.

(817): View more from Texas

You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.

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(815): View more from Illinois

there was naked duck duck goose

(703): View more from Virginia

how does that even get suggested?!

(815): View more from Illinois

after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal

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(843): View more from South Carolina

You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.

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(917): View more from New York City

Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.

(347): View more from New York

I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?

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(815): View more from Illinois

i don't really know how much tequila is too much

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(252): View more from North Carolina

its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get

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(219): View more from Indiana

Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role

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(512): View more from Texas

I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.

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(650): View more from California

We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.

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(630): View more from Illinois

The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.

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(816): View more from Missouri

he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.

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(802): View more from Vermont

beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Apparently senior citizens don't like that position

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(818): View more from California

remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,

(702): View more from Nevada

Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics

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(904): View more from Florida

I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better

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(235): View more from

I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.

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(352): View more from Florida

Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.

(1-352): View more from Florida

What?

(352): View more from Florida

Just dont open the beer drawer.

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(904): View more from Florida

Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?

(1-904): View more from Florida

six.

(904): View more from Florida

Oh, I thought it was higher.

(1-904): View more from Florida

No, that would be the Matt's

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(319): View more from Iowa

he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"

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(719): View more from Colorado

he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair

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(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

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(404): View more from Georgia

They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.

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(914): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it

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(315): View more from New York

He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender

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(203): View more from Connecticut

you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

(508): View more from Massachusetts

what was i wearing?

(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex

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(248): View more from Michigan

I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.

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(941): View more from Florida

Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.

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(410): View more from Maryland

i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Actions speak louder than pants.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.

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(903): View more from Texas

Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay

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(205): View more from Alabama

I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo

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(807): View more from Ontario

Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables

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(919): View more from North Carolina

At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?

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(626): View more from California

I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.

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(585): View more from New York

I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.

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(319): View more from Iowa

How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills

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(425): View more from Washington

i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.

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(703): View more from Virginia

All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.

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(707): View more from California

why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?

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(917): View more from New York City

i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities

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(248): View more from Michigan

Am i fat?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Well i wouldnt let you on top

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(815): View more from Illinois

Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.

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(703): View more from Virginia

the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?

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(562): View more from California

the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

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(443): View more from Maryland

repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks

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(775): View more from Nevada

she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward

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(509): View more from Washington

if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

like hot dogs and buns.

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(979): View more from Texas

if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances

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(210): View more from Texas

This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".

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(770): View more from Georgia

The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding

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(206): View more from Washington

dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this

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(209): View more from California

Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.

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(305): View more from Florida

And the cops told us we were all naked.

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(301): View more from Maryland

If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?

(513): View more from Ohio

Get out now.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life

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(804): View more from Virginia

Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...

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(905): View more from Ontario

My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.

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(352): View more from Florida

I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.

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(626): View more from California

Dignity is for republicans.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.

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(360): View more from Washington

Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal

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(805): View more from California

the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

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(817): View more from Texas

This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"

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(309): View more from Illinois

Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.

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(564): View more from Washington

He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns

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(210): View more from Texas

Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight

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(913): View more from Kansas

just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.

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(805): View more from California

He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

yo everyone went to the hospital last night

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(817): View more from Texas

you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for

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(310): View more from California

dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore

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(503): View more from Oregon

She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.

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(817): View more from Texas

HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.

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(207): View more from Maine

i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship

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(858): View more from California

Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.

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(904): View more from Florida

And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool

(386): View more from Florida

It could be our claim to fame

(904): View more from Florida

Done. I'll pack a cooler.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time

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(269): View more from Michigan

He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.

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(949): View more from California

I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?

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(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.

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(330): View more from Ohio

So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night

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(806): View more from Texas

at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same

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(416): View more from Toronto

Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?

(416): View more from Toronto

Better looking than her though please.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.

(1-513): View more from Ohio

Not having phil's child is good enough.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

this is something i pride myself on being below average for

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(650): View more from California

so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.

(1-650): View more from California

did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?

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(404): View more from Georgia

hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.

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(706): View more from Georgia

She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag

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(713): View more from Texas

Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds

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(913): View more from Kansas

he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.

(1-312): View more from Illinois

None of that is ok.

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(352): View more from Florida

Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.

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(513): View more from Ohio

First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...

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(925): View more from California

Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.

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(248): View more from Michigan

dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call

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(281): View more from Texas

well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"

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(573): View more from Missouri

Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

my sombrero is too big for the bathroom

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk

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(214): View more from Texas

herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.

(1-214): View more from Texas

ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...

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(303): View more from Colorado

his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy

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(330): View more from Ohio

giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie

(420): View more from

your the best winggirl ever

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.

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(443): View more from Maryland

My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden

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(816): View more from Missouri

I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.

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(954): View more from Florida

I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

bring money and cleavage

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.

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(310): View more from California

So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes

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(908): View more from New Jersey

how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me

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(614): View more from Ohio

Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.

(904): View more from Florida

FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift

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(813): View more from Florida

Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.

(1-813): View more from Florida

I ordered a moonbounce.

(813): View more from Florida

Fuck, you win.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.

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(727): View more from Florida

how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.

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(248): View more from Michigan

It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.

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(904): View more from Florida

he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up

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(309): View more from Illinois

I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.

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(972): View more from Texas

They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

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(757): View more from Virginia

it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again

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(845): View more from New York

he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"

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(714): View more from California

We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her

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(817): View more from Texas

just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?

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(240): View more from Maryland

i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.

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(904): View more from Florida

He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.

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(316): View more from Kansas

when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.

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(206): View more from Washington

i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid

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(515): View more from Iowa

I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.

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(574): View more from Indiana

no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.

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(949): View more from California

I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.

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(972): View more from Texas

I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.

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(810): View more from Michigan

The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I intend to get homeless drunk

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(208): View more from Idaho

My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.

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(858): View more from California

There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.

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(518): View more from New York

his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"

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(502): View more from Kentucky

there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.

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(765): View more from Indiana

He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.

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(903): View more from Texas

How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?

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(214): View more from Texas

I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat

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(518): View more from New York

I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.

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(517): View more from Michigan

My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.

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(845): View more from New York

So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I just snuked. Sneezed and puked

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(910): View more from North Carolina

And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.

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(941): View more from Florida

thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.

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(410): View more from Maryland

what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?

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(705): View more from Ontario

Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think

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(561): View more from Florida

I can't believe he would be such an ass

(1-561): View more from Florida

Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.

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(631): View more from New York

It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later

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(801): View more from Utah

He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I am the drunkest girl in the tree.

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(520): View more from Arizona

I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.

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(360): View more from Washington

drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience

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(706): View more from Georgia

we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

whats a bus flip?

(225): View more from Louisiana

idk but apparently i invented it

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(847): View more from Illinois

Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.

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(234): View more from Ohio

omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic

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(847): View more from Illinois

You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.

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(+52): View more from Mexico

that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.

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(817): View more from Texas

Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.

(818): View more from California

Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?

(817): View more from Texas

Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation

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(914): View more from New York

at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.

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(954): View more from Florida

i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.

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(253): View more from Washington

For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Why am I in a dog kennel?

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

It was for your own safety

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(905): View more from Ontario

I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

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(949): View more from California

We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations

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(360): View more from Washington

It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.

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(641): View more from Iowa

Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

(1-440): View more from Ohio

please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.

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(561): View more from Florida

I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in

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(469): View more from Texas

It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs

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(281): View more from Texas

he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."

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(310): View more from California

So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.

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(650): View more from California

I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.

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(417): View more from Missouri

And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.

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(904): View more from Florida

Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada

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(334): View more from Alabama

I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out

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(720): View more from Colorado

He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

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(408): View more from California

You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.

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(928): View more from Arizona

i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.

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(214): View more from Texas

yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning

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(407): View more from Florida

We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived

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(917): View more from New York City

you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in

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(716): View more from New York

I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook

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(313): View more from Michigan

Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?

(518): View more from New York

No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen

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(248): View more from Michigan

I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch

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(240): View more from Maryland

I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.

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(404): View more from Georgia

what's for breakfast?

(678): View more from Georgia

Advil and throwup

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(301): View more from Maryland

i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.

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(251): View more from Alabama

He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.

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(212): View more from New York

I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.

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(281): View more from Texas

After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.

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(518): View more from New York

how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago

(404): View more from Georgia

so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?

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(541): View more from Oregon

he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.

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(925): View more from California

It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.

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(516): View more from New York

On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?

(201): View more from New Jersey

Strong 6

(516): View more from New York

That's an oxymoron.

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(514): View more from Quebec

She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses

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(404): View more from Georgia

A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?

(937): View more from Ohio

Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.

(419): View more from Ohio

Is that considered a cock block?

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(305): View more from Florida

Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.

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(214): View more from Texas

Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.

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(530): View more from California

He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....

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(818): View more from California

Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks

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(931): View more from Tennessee

my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.

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(440): View more from Ohio

sarcasm needs its own font

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(937): View more from Ohio

my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.

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(443): View more from Maryland

you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up

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(559): View more from California

i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.

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(678): View more from Georgia

found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife

(404): View more from Georgia

i mean you met him at the daytona 500

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(847): View more from Illinois

you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé

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(517): View more from Michigan

she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.

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(813): View more from Florida

running late. just ran over a dude on a bike

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(917): View more from New York City

Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.

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(714): View more from California

Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.

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(559): View more from California

today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...

(1-937): View more from Ohio

I see you've learned your lesson.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.

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(303): View more from Colorado

At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Everybody was literally kung fu fighting

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(516): View more from New York

I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love

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(641): View more from Iowa

I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.

(319): View more from Iowa

Good thing spelling doesn't count.

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(802): View more from Vermont

you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin

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(562): View more from California

How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?

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(330): View more from Ohio

Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...

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(817): View more from Texas

i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side

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(201): View more from New Jersey

im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.

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(815): View more from Illinois

$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.

(212): View more from New York

Please take video.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids

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(904): View more from Florida

Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job

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(661): View more from California

May God have mercy on my new vibrator.

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(626): View more from California

you didnt know i had herpes?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Just found my car keys in your throw-up.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

tonight lets celebrate not being married

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.

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(727): View more from Florida

im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens

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(256): View more from Alabama

He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me

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(315): View more from New York

I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.

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(847): View more from Illinois

She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.

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(415): View more from California

I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there

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(248): View more from Michigan

Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor

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(609): View more from New Jersey

IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

I don't want it.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.

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(773): View more from Illinois

im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.

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(425): View more from Washington

You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..

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(786): View more from Florida

I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga

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(410): View more from Maryland

He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.

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(914): View more from New York

woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn

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(630): View more from Illinois

i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom

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(516): View more from New York

Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?

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(703): View more from Virginia

in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Girls should come with a carfax report

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(310): View more from California

Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.

(310): View more from California

Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever

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(330): View more from Ohio

Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday

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(705): View more from Ontario

Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.

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(949): View more from California

if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous

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(847): View more from Illinois

She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.

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(518): View more from New York

im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'

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(845): View more from New York

Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent

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(940): View more from Texas

Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.

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(936): View more from Texas

you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"

(1-936): View more from Texas

I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...

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(660): View more from Missouri

He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.

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(480): View more from Arizona

YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST

(602): View more from Arizona

I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures

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(239): View more from Florida

When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town

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