Texts From Last Night · redfordtl's Favorites

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(816): View more from Missouri

Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.

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(309): View more from Illinois

It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.

(1-309): View more from Illinois

...Wow...

(309): View more from Illinois

I could be a kindergarten teacher

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(253): View more from Washington

Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know

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(251): View more from Alabama

We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.

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(434): View more from Virginia

My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.

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(714): View more from California

You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.

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(425): View more from Washington

Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste

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(541): View more from Oregon

Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night

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(+61): View more from Australia

I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.

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(315): View more from New York

WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.

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(614): View more from Ohio

We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.

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(417): View more from Missouri

THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW

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(812): View more from Indiana

I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.

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(716): View more from New York

please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.

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(518): View more from New York

I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life

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(716): View more from New York

Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.

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(707): View more from California

Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years

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(253): View more from Washington

Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.

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(631): View more from New York

Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

I believe they call that patchouli.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.

(847): View more from Illinois

i think the last part kind of negates the first part there

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(406): View more from Montana

I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt

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(561): View more from Florida

The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.

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(713): View more from Texas

So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.

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(347): View more from New York

Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.

(718): View more from New York

Truth. Respect the hustle.

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(310): View more from California

It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.

(415): View more from California

That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.

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(512): View more from Texas

Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon

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(517): View more from Michigan

This baby is an asshole

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(678): View more from Georgia

He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.

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(850): View more from Florida

Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.

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(917): View more from New York City

All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?

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(636): View more from Missouri

Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"

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(765): View more from Indiana

Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!

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(217): View more from Illinois

You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now

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(626): View more from California

So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.

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(817): View more from Texas

Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.

(214): View more from Texas

I still make more money.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?

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(541): View more from Oregon

You would be my first round pick for a drinking team

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(773): View more from Illinois

WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.

(512): View more from Texas

That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?

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(720): View more from Colorado

Can we agree to not tell mom about this?

(303): View more from Colorado

This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.

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(718): View more from New York

Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...

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(805): View more from California

So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka

(1-805): View more from California

Sweet. Did I win?

(805): View more from California

Youre hungover arent you?

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(602): View more from Arizona

Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.

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(845): View more from New York

Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."

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(601): View more from Mississippi

He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.

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(661): View more from California

Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs

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(309): View more from Illinois

there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s

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(309): View more from Illinois

You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.

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(847): View more from Illinois

stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?

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(719): View more from Colorado

Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great

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(254): View more from Texas

I have a surprise for you

(1-254): View more from Texas

Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!

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(517): View more from Michigan

First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.

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(210): View more from Texas

He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned

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(516): View more from New York

Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame

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(720): View more from Colorado

You're gonna judge me.

(303): View more from Colorado

Howd you sleep with him already

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.

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(207): View more from Maine

Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.

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(714): View more from California

Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made

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(703): View more from Virginia

Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other

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(541): View more from Oregon

We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.

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(619): View more from California

That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.

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(817): View more from Texas

Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover

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(503): View more from Oregon

I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.

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(619): View more from California

I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"

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(541): View more from Oregon

Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on

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(206): View more from Washington

Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.

(1-206): View more from Washington

Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.

(206): View more from Washington

Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

I regret nothing

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.

(1-832): View more from Houston, Texas

Totally acceptable.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.

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(310): View more from California

Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?

(626): View more from California

That's two questions.

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(323): View more from California

well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?

(613): View more from Ontario

you're kidding right?

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(949): View more from California

That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just can't deal with that sentence

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(248): View more from Michigan

I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

I think we should measure in "bathtubs"

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(804): View more from Virginia

time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever

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(775): View more from Nevada

True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.

(1-775): View more from Nevada

That was beautiful.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.

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(619): View more from California

Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...

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(704): View more from North Carolina

i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.

(1-704): View more from North Carolina

im still drunk. birthday week begins.

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(817): View more from Texas

I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.

(682): View more from Texas

They're mostly guys

(817): View more from Texas

Early bird gets the worm.

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(248): View more from Michigan

It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.

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(410): View more from Maryland

You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

he was once again the drunkest girl at the party

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(623): View more from Arizona

He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams

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(518): View more from New York

Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!

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(304): View more from West Virginia

My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?

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(305): View more from Florida

I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.

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(509): View more from Washington

It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.

(1-985): View more from Louisiana

Do I have a choice?

(985): View more from Louisiana

I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G

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(218): View more from Minnesota

No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.

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(573): View more from Missouri

So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"

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(703): View more from Virginia

See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.

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(432): View more from Texas

3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.

(1-432): View more from Texas

Erry day erry day!

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(914): View more from New York

Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.

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(212): View more from New York

how are things with the new girl?

(917): View more from New York City

good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked

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(614): View more from Ohio

you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical

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(817): View more from Texas

Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.

(972): View more from Texas

Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.

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(386): View more from Florida

He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid

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(757): View more from Virginia

Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?

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(907): View more from Alaska

Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.

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(305): View more from Florida

Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!

(216): View more from Ohio

Look at your life. Look at your choices.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence

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(830): View more from Texas

Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?

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(248): View more from Michigan

The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You went to jail last night?!

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

Just a little bit.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon

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(831): View more from California

Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion

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(607): View more from New York

You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck

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(289): View more from Ontario

you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window

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(509): View more from Washington

you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.

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(518): View more from New York

It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."

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(541): View more from Oregon

im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more

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(239): View more from Florida

I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.

(1-239): View more from Florida

I told you I'd buy you lunch.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

Why?

(609): View more from New Jersey

Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

What can I say, I'm a giver.

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to celebrate with you...

(214): View more from Texas

There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.

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(512): View more from Texas

That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.

(210): View more from Texas

It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?

(512): View more from Texas

Is your card paying for my plan b?

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

How have you survived this long?

(479): View more from Arkansas

Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?

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(979): View more from Texas

For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.

(512): View more from Texas

You. Win. At. Life.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.

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(631): View more from New York

We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts

(1-631): View more from New York

Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.

(1-704): View more from North Carolina

I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.

(704): View more from North Carolina

Dude, you are the most awesome.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"

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(910): View more from North Carolina

If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants

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(631): View more from New York

The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.

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(914): View more from New York

He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...

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(972): View more from Texas

Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult

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(757): View more from Virginia

i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...

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(651): View more from Minnesota

asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.

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(770): View more from Georgia

My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester

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(248): View more from Michigan

They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.

(856): View more from New Jersey

dear god, who put you in a cab?

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(313): View more from Michigan

I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.

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(510): View more from California

It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.

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(347): View more from New York

Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.

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(251): View more from Alabama

When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.

(919): View more from North Carolina

RIP Mr Bojangles.

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(703): View more from Virginia

screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.

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(207): View more from Maine

Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.

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(206): View more from Washington

I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.

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(757): View more from Virginia

It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.

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(334): View more from Alabama

My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.

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(586): View more from Michigan

If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption

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(647): View more from Ontario

we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet

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(517): View more from Michigan

I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night

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(864): View more from South Carolina

the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.

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(914): View more from New York

The ice cream man just told me to use protection.

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(409): View more from Texas

Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.

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(585): View more from New York

We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.

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(415): View more from California

I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!

(860): View more from Connecticut

I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo

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(254): View more from Texas

I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.

(254): View more from Texas

He's majoring in Religion

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(602): View more from Arizona

Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)

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(416): View more from Toronto

You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony

(289): View more from Ontario

Yeah I know, the people below me already told me

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(971): View more from Oregon

I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing

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(540): View more from Virginia

About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach

(630): View more from Illinois

Me toooooo!! Margaritas

(773): View more from Illinois

I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.

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(206): View more from Washington

thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.

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(806): View more from Texas

Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.

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(512): View more from Texas

It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends

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(707): View more from California

there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.

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(708): View more from Illinois

There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.

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(415): View more from California

You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.

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(585): View more from New York

In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?

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(905): View more from Ontario

Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred

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(714): View more from California

sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

True on all accounts.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.

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(705): View more from Ontario

I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?

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(404): View more from Georgia

Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.

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(916): View more from California

Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.

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(914): View more from New York

Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?

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(705): View more from Ontario

Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show

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(605): View more from South Dakota

They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot

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(310): View more from California

I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.

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(530): View more from California

I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover

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(847): View more from Illinois

Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.

(847): View more from Illinois

It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter

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(415): View more from California

Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.

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(845): View more from New York

Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.

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(757): View more from Virginia

He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.

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(646): View more from New York

Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done

(760): View more from California

Victory lap

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(540): View more from Virginia

Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.

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(509): View more from Washington

Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.

(406): View more from Montana

Hospital.

(509): View more from Washington

I am invincible.

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(585): View more from New York

What's the over under on catching something from your sister?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

On my way to the DMV to get arrested

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(480): View more from Arizona

I had to brake up with him.

(602): View more from Arizona

In my experience drinking helps.

(480): View more from Arizona

You dont want to know why?

(602): View more from Arizona

Not really. I want to drink.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.

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(510): View more from California

It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.

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(313): View more from Michigan

My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He's almost as awesome as vicodin.

(513): View more from Ohio

Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you

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(541): View more from Oregon

blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.

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(404): View more from Georgia

It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.

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(641): View more from Iowa

Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?

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(773): View more from Illinois

he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace

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(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

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(407): View more from Florida

Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them

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(210): View more from Texas

Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute

(1-210): View more from Texas

Hello cirrhosis

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP

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(301): View more from Maryland

Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?

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(248): View more from Michigan

I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is

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(713): View more from Texas

We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.

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(760): View more from California

I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.

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(310): View more from California

My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...

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(801): View more from Utah

I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick

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(618): View more from Illinois

Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on

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(206): View more from Washington

I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table

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(909): View more from California

Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.

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(607): View more from New York

I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!

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(716): View more from New York

I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.

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(619): View more from California

Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..

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(863): View more from Florida

I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.

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(406): View more from Montana

There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!

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(860): View more from Connecticut

We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys

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(254): View more from Texas

Im just a social blackout drinker.

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(315): View more from New York

my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.

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(925): View more from California

We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found

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(408): View more from California

I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete

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(975): View more from Missouri

At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms

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(515): View more from Iowa

oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer

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(732): View more from New Jersey

please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.

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(409): View more from Texas

You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.

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(207): View more from Maine

I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7

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(301): View more from Maryland

I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.

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(785): View more from Kansas

you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it

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(503): View more from Oregon

We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.

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(805): View more from California

I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other

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(957): View more from

I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where the hell are you

(706): View more from Georgia

He's winning.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.

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(407): View more from Florida

Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?

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(713): View more from Texas

Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'

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(727): View more from Florida

found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..

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(702): View more from Nevada

Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride

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(631): View more from New York

can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished

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(519): View more from Ontario

He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.

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(510): View more from California

Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.

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(716): View more from New York

For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there

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(254): View more from Texas

There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.

(512): View more from Texas

That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?

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(703): View more from Virginia

Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places

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(863): View more from Florida

There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.

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(912): View more from Georgia

You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.

(616): View more from Michigan

I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.

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(305): View more from Florida

It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children

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(973): View more from New Jersey

He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.

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(530): View more from California

My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.

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(850): View more from Florida

We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.

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(503): View more from Oregon

He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.

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(260): View more from Indiana

apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"

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(516): View more from New York

Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat

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(727): View more from Florida

and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos

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(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

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(281): View more from Texas

Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.

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(646): View more from New York

Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit

(646): View more from New York

The facepaint not the blacking out

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(937): View more from Ohio

I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?

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(425): View more from Washington

This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably

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(807): View more from Ontario

If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right

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(702): View more from Nevada

I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.

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(703): View more from Virginia

There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.

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(510): View more from California

Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed

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(706): View more from Georgia

he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline

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(219): View more from Indiana

Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa

(708): View more from Illinois

Oh Jesus.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?

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(778): View more from British Columbia

It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?

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(410): View more from Maryland

In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub

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(705): View more from Ontario

just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...

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(613): View more from Ontario

what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?

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(515): View more from Iowa

You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?

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(913): View more from Kansas

I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka

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(757): View more from Virginia

I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines

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(757): View more from Virginia

I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.

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(407): View more from Florida

I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens

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(713): View more from Texas

the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7

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(713): View more from Texas

Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?

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(530): View more from California

You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?

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(352): View more from Florida

She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.

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(815): View more from Illinois

So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.

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(512): View more from Texas

We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"

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(480): View more from Arizona

Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes

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(303): View more from Colorado

I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day

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(940): View more from Texas

You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.

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(954): View more from Florida

Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?

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(240): View more from Maryland

Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed

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(443): View more from Maryland

booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again

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(301): View more from Maryland

My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.

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(760): View more from California

The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation

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(757): View more from Virginia

We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.

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(503): View more from Oregon

He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?

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(613): View more from Ontario

Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret

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(850): View more from Florida

Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.

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(334): View more from Alabama

You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?

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(415): View more from California

When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

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(228): View more from Mississippi

i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy

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(815): View more from Illinois

I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance

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(636): View more from Missouri

she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina

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(925): View more from California

She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative

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(425): View more from Washington

i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house

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(914): View more from New York

Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame

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(423): View more from Tennessee

His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.

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(760): View more from California

i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine

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(641): View more from Iowa

is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?

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(239): View more from Florida

In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.

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(586): View more from Michigan

You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'

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(913): View more from Kansas

I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?

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(317): View more from Indiana

Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.

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(407): View more from Florida

I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love

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(720): View more from Colorado

Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?

(303): View more from Colorado

He told her it was international road head day.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.

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(904): View more from Florida

So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!

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(440): View more from Ohio

Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?

(1-440): View more from Ohio

because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?

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(360): View more from Washington

I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.

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(248): View more from Michigan

A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.

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(317): View more from Indiana

He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

(1-317): View more from Indiana

He's the fucking cop whisperer.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.

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(210): View more from Texas

If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.

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(281): View more from Texas

Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.

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(757): View more from Virginia

adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.

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(319): View more from Iowa

addddeeerrraaaallll.

(641): View more from Iowa

ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?

(480): View more from Arizona

You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.

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(708): View more from Illinois

sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(510): View more from California

I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high

(808): View more from Hawaii

worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

nevermind....I'm on the way

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(801): View more from Utah

You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.

(1-801): View more from Utah

There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.

(801): View more from Utah

alright see you in the morning.

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(630): View more from Illinois

The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!

(864): View more from South Carolina

Because men are children

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Touche

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(206): View more from Washington

My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..

(1-502): View more from Kentucky

Aren't you in 8th grade?

(502): View more from Kentucky

9th, but that's not the point.

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(207): View more from Maine

Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.

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(719): View more from Colorado

No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.

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(541): View more from Oregon

you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.

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(903): View more from Texas

He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.

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(214): View more from Texas

No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea

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(636): View more from Missouri

i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend

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(305): View more from Florida

woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"

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(703): View more from Virginia

To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."

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(512): View more from Texas

Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.

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(210): View more from Texas

ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!

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(706): View more from Georgia

We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where's it at?

(706): View more from Georgia

In your pants.

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(310): View more from California

He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna

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(402): View more from Nebraska

NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

It is literally 8 in the morning.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him

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(917): View more from New York City

My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.

(917): View more from New York City

Also pregame at mine tomorrow?

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(970): View more from Colorado

There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.

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(620): View more from Kansas

I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.

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(807): View more from Ontario

at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.

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(513): View more from Ohio

This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.

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(406): View more from Montana

i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.

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(618): View more from Illinois

No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(302): View more from Delaware

It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.

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(319): View more from Iowa

We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"

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(706): View more from Georgia

This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?

(1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.

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(907): View more from Alaska

the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Actions speak louder than pants.

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(517): View more from Michigan

we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"

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(757): View more from Virginia

It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.

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(613): View more from Ontario

OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch

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(513): View more from Ohio

hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"

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(240): View more from Maryland

just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five

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(360): View more from Washington

Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.

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(812): View more from Indiana

We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".

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(303): View more from Colorado

normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.

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(707): View more from California

She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills

(262): View more from Wisconsin

how else could I explain the last few years

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(916): View more from California

Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.

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(631): View more from New York

This beer is not sobering me up at all

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.

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(904): View more from Florida

masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap

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(972): View more from Texas

Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"

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(805): View more from California

In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career

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(206): View more from Washington

Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man

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(440): View more from Ohio

Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.

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(512): View more from Texas

Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas

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(661): View more from California

Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC

(831): View more from California

Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.

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(818): View more from California

Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?

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(509): View more from Washington

Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?

(860): View more from Connecticut

Becoming a productive member of society?

(509): View more from Washington

Sam. Come on.

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(845): View more from New York

Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.

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(631): View more from New York

This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.

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(855): View more from

somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs

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(239): View more from Florida

I wish I could drop acid with the muppets

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(251): View more from Alabama

Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"

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(626): View more from California

Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.

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(207): View more from Maine

I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments

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(914): View more from New York

Did I miss anything?

(1-914): View more from New York

A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.

(914): View more from New York

so we also did drugs

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(209): View more from California

Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits

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(801): View more from Utah

Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first

(206): View more from Washington

You are the luckiest man alive

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(973): View more from New Jersey

My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"

(973): View more from New Jersey

That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"

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(559): View more from California

my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(318): View more from Louisiana

That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.

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(613): View more from Ontario

If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.

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(913): View more from Kansas

the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night

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(513): View more from Ohio

god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.

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(703): View more from Virginia

How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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(647): View more from Ontario

Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

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(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(315): View more from New York

Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love

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(704): View more from North Carolina

One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+

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(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.

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(619): View more from California

Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

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(971): View more from Oregon

I have two black x marks on my hands.

(503): View more from Oregon

Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

(971): View more from Oregon

damnit I wish I could remember that.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(618): View more from Illinois

The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass

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(516): View more from New York

my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.

(1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

This is why we're friends.

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(516): View more from New York

Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash

(1-513): View more from Ohio

GO. BACK. NOW.

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(847): View more from Illinois

just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".

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(909): View more from California

Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.

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(520): View more from Arizona

So you had sex with my brother?

(1-520): View more from Arizona

It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes

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(503): View more from Oregon

Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.

(360): View more from Washington

I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.

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(316): View more from Kansas

I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.

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(954): View more from Florida

I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.

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(586): View more from Michigan

1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night

(586): View more from Michigan

2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street

(586): View more from Michigan

3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call

(586): View more from Michigan

So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you

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(313): View more from Michigan

I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day

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(702): View more from Nevada

i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex

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(661): View more from California

Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.

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(317): View more from Indiana

sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".

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(303): View more from Colorado

The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"

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(216): View more from Ohio

ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Drinking in an igloo changes everything.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.

(330): View more from Ohio

I don't know you.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...

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(209): View more from California

this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.

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(630): View more from Illinois

all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

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(206): View more from Washington

Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."

(423): View more from Tennessee

Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Howd you meet this guy?

(612): View more from Minnesota

I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

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(360): View more from Washington

Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade

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(217): View more from Illinois

Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested

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(703): View more from Virginia

I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.

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(303): View more from Colorado

we're about an hour out, how's the weather?

(720): View more from Colorado

cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.

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(404): View more from Georgia

to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy

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(404): View more from Georgia

Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.

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(212): View more from New York

The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"

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(679): View more from Michigan

You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.

(679): View more from Michigan

You really are best friends.

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(925): View more from California

its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?

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(214): View more from Texas

I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Her name starts with A and ends with whore.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"

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(256): View more from Alabama

Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Umm you met him three days ago....

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I said what I said

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(818): View more from California

So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen

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(219): View more from Indiana

I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.

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(607): View more from New York

You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

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(407): View more from Florida

Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."

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(914): View more from New York

I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

watch out for the queen of hearts

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

fuucck i forgot ab her

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(970): View more from Colorado

Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.

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(940): View more from Texas

Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.

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(360): View more from Washington

I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood

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(281): View more from Texas

I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch

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(315): View more from New York

I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.

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(818): View more from California

Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.

(818): View more from California

And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.

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(315): View more from New York

He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.

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(469): View more from Texas

Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.

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(631): View more from New York

I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask

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(704): View more from North Carolina

you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.

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(734): View more from Michigan

You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.

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(917): View more from New York City

Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him

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(847): View more from Illinois

Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.

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(714): View more from California

DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"

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(845): View more from New York

would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with

(217): View more from Illinois

well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment

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(225): View more from Louisiana

things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.

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(240): View more from Maryland

This kid is drunk.

(410): View more from Maryland

I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

when i was alone, his dick was there for me...

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(301): View more from Maryland

I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.

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(301): View more from Maryland

he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.

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(315): View more from New York

I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob

(203): View more from Connecticut

For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho

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(504): View more from Louisiana

My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life

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(206): View more from Washington

Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.

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(734): View more from Michigan

What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"

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(801): View more from Utah

Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?

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(314): View more from Missouri

There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.

(818): View more from California

Punch her baby.

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(614): View more from Ohio

My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex

(1-614): View more from Ohio

You and your mom would make an amazing tag team

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.

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(480): View more from Arizona

YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST

(602): View more from Arizona

I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!

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(630): View more from Illinois

Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school

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(541): View more from Oregon

What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?

(503): View more from Oregon

3some

(541): View more from Oregon

You're right, stupid question.

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(914): View more from New York

i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.

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(845): View more from New York

We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?

(1-845): View more from New York

Who won mens moguls?

(845): View more from New York

That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.

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(407): View more from Florida

I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.

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(310): View more from California

my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.

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(813): View more from Florida

for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!

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(864): View more from South Carolina

If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

(828): View more from North Carolina

Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

(864): View more from South Carolina

Previous statement retracted.

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(707): View more from California

its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me

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(435): View more from Utah

Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.

(1-907): View more from Alaska

Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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(406): View more from Montana

Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...

(303): View more from Colorado

Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(646): View more from New York

jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times

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(573): View more from Missouri

his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"

(314): View more from Missouri

did it work

(573): View more from Missouri

that's not the point...

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(731): View more from Tennessee

can we take a shower together?

(901): View more from Tennessee

no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing

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(315): View more from New York

Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

ur plase or mine? lol

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.

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(315): View more from New York

I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.

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(914): View more from New York

Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk

(1-914): View more from New York

It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

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(360): View more from Washington

nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked

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(314): View more from Missouri

Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj

(910): View more from North Carolina

I think that's fair trade off

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(503): View more from Oregon

I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you

(541): View more from Oregon

I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt

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(773): View more from Illinois

Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off

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(250): View more from British Columbia

When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?

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(817): View more from Texas

she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.

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(801): View more from Utah

Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

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(561): View more from Florida

So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?

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(707): View more from California

Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.

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(917): View more from New York City

you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar

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(203): View more from Connecticut

no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

sounds like you fell off the wagon.

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.

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(951): View more from California

My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I can get orange kush...

(586): View more from Michigan

GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

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(510): View more from California

I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.

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(206): View more from Washington

I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark

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(636): View more from Missouri

12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.

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(440): View more from Ohio

oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.

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(703): View more from Virginia

So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win

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(631): View more from New York

Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?

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(337): View more from Louisiana

i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.

(706): View more from Georgia

Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."

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(646): View more from New York

He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.

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(+66): View more from Thailand

A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble

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(209): View more from California

Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?

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(678): View more from Georgia

The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.

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(720): View more from Colorado

we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons

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(817): View more from Texas

I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.

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(404): View more from Georgia

What are you wearing to our high school reunion?

(678): View more from Georgia

I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"

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(314): View more from Missouri

You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."

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(931): View more from Tennessee

and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear

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(740): View more from Ohio

she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse

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(406): View more from Montana

I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"

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(815): View more from Illinois

drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'

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(361): View more from Texas

Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?

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(925): View more from California

If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.

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(214): View more from Texas

LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.

(972): View more from Texas

I worry about you sometimes...

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class

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(904): View more from Florida

I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(630): View more from Illinois

It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin

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(251): View more from Alabama

The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!

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(516): View more from New York

i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger

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(501): View more from Arkansas

This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"

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(229): View more from Georgia

You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru

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(302): View more from Delaware

I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard

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(816): View more from Missouri

and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours

(816): View more from Missouri

outstanding.

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(260): View more from Indiana

dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?

(1-260): View more from Indiana

what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.

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(516): View more from New York

whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?

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(516): View more from New York

How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?

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(818): View more from California

my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you

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(212): View more from New York

chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.

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(212): View more from New York

I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.

(503): View more from Oregon

Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.

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(212): View more from New York

I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"

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(347): View more from New York

the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant

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(347): View more from New York

we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy

(203): View more from Connecticut

go home

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(804): View more from Virginia

im drinking this country out of the recession.

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(804): View more from Virginia

girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking

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(804): View more from Virginia

he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.

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(757): View more from Virginia

If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?

(269): View more from Michigan

Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"

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(757): View more from Virginia

Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(757): View more from Virginia

I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.

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(424): View more from California

Do u kno any dealers?

(1-424): View more from California

I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.

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(260): View more from Indiana

So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes

(1-260): View more from Indiana

Are your eyes okay

(260): View more from Indiana

I mean if I was Asian they would be

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(440): View more from Ohio

do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?

(1-440): View more from Ohio

you should probably use water

(440): View more from Ohio

i dont have any

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(334): View more from Alabama

I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.

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(518): View more from New York

everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.

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(512): View more from Texas

We need a plan...

(1-512): View more from Texas

Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.

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(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

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(917): View more from New York City

did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?

(914): View more from New York

you mean faeutihaers?

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(917): View more from New York City

your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?

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(210): View more from Texas

I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job

(917): View more from New York City

You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.

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(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

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(718): View more from New York

you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.

(917): View more from New York City

i told you we never speak of that again

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(917): View more from New York City

It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang

(917): View more from New York City

really making moves this morning i see

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(917): View more from New York City

The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.

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(917): View more from New York City

you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit

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(917): View more from New York City

He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.

(336): View more from North Carolina

"people in the room" being me.

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(970): View more from Colorado

There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun

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(858): View more from California

Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Winning.

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(352): View more from Florida

Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.

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(703): View more from Virginia

We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.

(540): View more from Virginia

You guys make me sad

(703): View more from Virginia

You misspelled jealous there

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(443): View more from Maryland

We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween

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(816): View more from Missouri

That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

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(708): View more from Illinois

youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters

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