Texts From Last Night · Loki69's Favorites

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Loki69's Favorites Texts:

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.

(604): View more from British Columbia

And then someone hit me with a pool cue

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(954): View more from Florida

Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Welcome to Philly.

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(520): View more from Arizona

YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...

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(954): View more from Florida

After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"

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(270): View more from Kentucky

My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!

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(305): View more from Florida

Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.

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(815): View more from Illinois

My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.

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(347): View more from New York

My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted

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(360): View more from Washington

I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.

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(713): View more from Texas

I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.

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(585): View more from New York

yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday

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(574): View more from Indiana

LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY

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(773): View more from Illinois

He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work

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(708): View more from Illinois

was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?

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(509): View more from Washington

Are you wearing clothes?

(425): View more from Washington

Fuck no, who do you think I am

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse

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(330): View more from Ohio

As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW

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(551): View more from New Jersey

I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!

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(440): View more from Ohio

No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch

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(212): View more from New York

so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated

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(440): View more from Ohio

Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.

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(317): View more from Indiana

It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?

(505): View more from New Mexico

Heroically.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea

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(847): View more from Illinois

bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.

(309): View more from Illinois

May the force be with you.

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(903): View more from Texas

Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

Haha, Tuesday man

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(919): View more from North Carolina

We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!

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(305): View more from Florida

I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Really? A fat girl?

(1-206): View more from Washington

I'm walking her back. Chill out.

(1-206): View more from Washington

She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.

(580): View more from Oklahoma

I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.

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(410): View more from Maryland

He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."

(410): View more from Maryland

I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.

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(707): View more from California

I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.

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(816): View more from Missouri

You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex

(816): View more from Missouri

...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school

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(850): View more from Florida

Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.

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(714): View more from California

So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Something about Sunday night screams phone sex

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other

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(503): View more from Oregon

Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk

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(+61): View more from Australia

I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.

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(541): View more from Oregon

People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

they just did a mariachi cover of free bird

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(210): View more from Texas

Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"

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(910): View more from North Carolina

phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?

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(614): View more from Ohio

I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.

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(630): View more from Illinois

We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Well I just put wine in my tea

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?

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(515): View more from Iowa

Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day

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(314): View more from Missouri

Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do

(1-775): View more from Nevada

So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.

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(425): View more from Washington

I guess I'm open to more types of dick now

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(214): View more from Texas

WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO

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(425): View more from Washington

But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.

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(703): View more from Virginia

The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker

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(512): View more from Texas

things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"

(210): View more from Texas

I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you

(1-240): View more from Maryland

Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina

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(416): View more from Toronto

Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding

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(+61): View more from Australia

You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.

(1+61): View more from

Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?

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(434): View more from Virginia

I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time

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(434): View more from Virginia

Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night

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(647): View more from Ontario

Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke

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(705): View more from Ontario

We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass

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(818): View more from California

Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?

(1+44): View more from

Which pub are you in?

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(516): View more from New York

Come through the front door when you get here.

(1-516): View more from New York

Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.

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(925): View more from California

i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.

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(641): View more from Iowa

He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?

(843): View more from South Carolina

Maybe

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(773): View more from Illinois

Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Did you at least offer to let him get it out??

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.

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(513): View more from Ohio

So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind

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(314): View more from Missouri

My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.

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(734): View more from Michigan

You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.

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(850): View more from Florida

Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!

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(417): View more from Missouri

He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.

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(386): View more from Florida

make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions

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(561): View more from Florida

But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain

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(515): View more from Iowa

We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place

(1-515): View more from Iowa

I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.

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(971): View more from Oregon

I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.

(509): View more from Washington

you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left

(971): View more from Oregon

goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan

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(530): View more from California

im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.

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(207): View more from Maine

But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!

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(785): View more from Kansas

There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.

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(630): View more from Illinois

like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand

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(614): View more from Ohio

So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?

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(425): View more from Washington

You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.

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(313): View more from Michigan

We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to

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(619): View more from California

Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!

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(434): View more from Virginia

I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night

(434): View more from Virginia

then apparently I went "not bad" and continued

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(810): View more from Michigan

Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra

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(479): View more from Arkansas

He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.

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(516): View more from New York

She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.

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(207): View more from Maine

By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.

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(302): View more from Delaware

On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?

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(518): View more from New York

There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.

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(438): View more from Quebec

I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.

(1-438): View more from Quebec

God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.

(438): View more from Quebec

Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss

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(757): View more from Virginia

Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.

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(757): View more from Virginia

She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??

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(416): View more from Toronto

cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED

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(956): View more from Texas

I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night

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(417): View more from Missouri

Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas

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(417): View more from Missouri

I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.

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(971): View more from Oregon

you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON

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(252): View more from North Carolina

We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??

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(843): View more from South Carolina

A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.

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(734): View more from Michigan

When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.

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(718): View more from New York

We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas

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(616): View more from Michigan

I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life

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(571): View more from Virginia

Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended

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(862): View more from New Jersey

Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.

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(408): View more from California

I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.

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(760): View more from California

Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.

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(425): View more from Washington

It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"

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(315): View more from New York

You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times

(1-315): View more from New York

NAh son

(1-315): View more from New York

Just general bites

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM

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(512): View more from Texas

For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.

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(904): View more from Florida

And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...

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(972): View more from Texas

Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing

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(415): View more from California

LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I have tan lines from my nipple rings.

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(954): View more from Florida

Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.

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(618): View more from Illinois

She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....

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(619): View more from California

I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.

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(815): View more from Illinois

i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.

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(443): View more from Maryland

There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.

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(442): View more from California

Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.

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(425): View more from Washington

I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.

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(206): View more from Washington

there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.

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(386): View more from Florida

He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.

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(614): View more from Ohio

don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.

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(720): View more from Colorado

This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up

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(248): View more from Michigan

I immediately regret the tequila decision.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.

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(706): View more from Georgia

URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?

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(361): View more from Texas

Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."

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(208): View more from Idaho

Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers

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(662): View more from Mississippi

The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest

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(785): View more from Kansas

Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.

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(323): View more from California

How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"

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(513): View more from Ohio

I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.

(609): View more from New Jersey

We won Spring Training 2013.

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(205): View more from Alabama

You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.

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(714): View more from California

Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.

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(404): View more from Georgia

It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!

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(734): View more from Michigan

I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.

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(214): View more from Texas

They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that

(972): View more from Texas

How awkward

(214): View more from Texas

Yeah it's pretty fucked up

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea

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(816): View more from Missouri

Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me

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(347): View more from New York

That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross

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(417): View more from Missouri

All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"

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(705): View more from Ontario

Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor

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(701): View more from North Dakota

If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there

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(318): View more from Louisiana

She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines

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(480): View more from Arizona

Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?

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(206): View more from Washington

after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.

(1+44): View more from

They'll never let you practice medicine.

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(210): View more from Texas

did you know gatorade and rum go really good together

(1-210): View more from Texas

Are you doing depressed science again

(210): View more from Texas

maybe

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(27): View more from South Africa

You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.

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(276): View more from Virginia

I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.

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(419): View more from Ohio

She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(

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(208): View more from Idaho

I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.

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(773): View more from Illinois

who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?

(1-804): View more from Virginia

Do you have any forwarding contact info?

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(705): View more from Ontario

We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.

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(253): View more from Washington

If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.

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(830): View more from Texas

Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?

(210): View more from Texas

Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine

(830): View more from Texas

drunken problem solving at its finest

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!

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(760): View more from California

Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs

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(337): View more from Louisiana

why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.

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(443): View more from Maryland

What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?

(1-443): View more from Maryland

The pinata full of drugs?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.

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(61): View more from Australia

When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"

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(207): View more from Maine

my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct

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(904): View more from Florida

Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.

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(647): View more from Ontario

didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?

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(206): View more from Washington

The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know

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(940): View more from Texas

I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast

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(541): View more from Oregon

25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.

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(319): View more from Iowa

"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton

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(816): View more from Missouri

TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!

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(520): View more from Arizona

Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome

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(586): View more from Michigan

She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.

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(407): View more from Florida

we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...

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(917): View more from New York City

Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family

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(541): View more from Oregon

You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today

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(226): View more from Ontario

We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.

(605): View more from South Dakota

Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.

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(478): View more from Georgia

I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."

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(707): View more from California

They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield

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(585): View more from New York

"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

PS my house is a mess.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

pps I have a rash on my face.

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(818): View more from California

I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.

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(585): View more from New York

He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.

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(936): View more from Texas

My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.

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(319): View more from Iowa

I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.

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(678): View more from Georgia

After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".

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(775): View more from Nevada

He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

He used a "food city great value" card to cut it

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window

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(972): View more from Texas

also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.

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(315): View more from New York

So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...

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(208): View more from Idaho

Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.

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(906): View more from Michigan

Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.

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(+61): View more from Australia

The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.

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(917): View more from New York City

Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.

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(310): View more from California

Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.

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(305): View more from Florida

to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter

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(269): View more from Michigan

I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.

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(917): View more from New York City

i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON

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(858): View more from California

So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?

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(512): View more from Texas

dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?

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(630): View more from Illinois

So what's going on?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol

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(806): View more from Texas

We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.

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(647): View more from Ontario

One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.

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(316): View more from Kansas

I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.

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(650): View more from California

Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah

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(330): View more from Ohio

Hamster emergency. Can u come in here

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.

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(+81): View more from

On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows

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(206): View more from Washington

Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it

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(775): View more from Nevada

FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left

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(585): View more from New York

pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.

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(254): View more from Texas

Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god

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(416): View more from Toronto

I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.

(917): View more from New York City

Gotta love Minnesota

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(719): View more from Colorado

These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69

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(618): View more from Illinois

I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.

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(830): View more from Texas

A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?

(803): View more from South Carolina

You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away

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(806): View more from Texas

I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.

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(509): View more from Washington

In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.

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(925): View more from California

I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .

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(204): View more from Manitoba

HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY

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(404): View more from Georgia

Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!

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(307): View more from Wyoming

WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..

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(616): View more from Michigan

My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"

(1-616): View more from Michigan

I think you were raised by the wrong sister

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(614): View more from Ohio

Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.

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(360): View more from Washington

Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding

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(201): View more from New Jersey

In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.

(507): View more from Minnesota

I can't wait to read your obituary.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?

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(770): View more from Georgia

Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.

(770): View more from Georgia

Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.

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(616): View more from Michigan

My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?

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(347): View more from New York

THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.

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(678): View more from Georgia

No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.

(218): View more from Minnesota

And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.

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(904): View more from Florida

But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?

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(970): View more from Colorado

I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?

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(956): View more from Texas

I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.

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(714): View more from California

I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit

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(919): View more from North Carolina

The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences

(919): View more from North Carolina

great clearly means different things to us

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.

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(585): View more from New York

So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.

(256): View more from Alabama

They have marijuana tests too!

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(214): View more from Texas

I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.

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(972): View more from Texas

It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...

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(310): View more from California

I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.

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(360): View more from Washington

I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.

(1-360): View more from Washington

I think that's justified.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.

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(206): View more from Washington

Are you high?

(425): View more from Washington

The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear

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(720): View more from Colorado

Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states

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(647): View more from Ontario

I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"

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(410): View more from Maryland

I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises

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(502): View more from Kentucky

What's the mantra for Sunday?

(606): View more from Kentucky

I will not have sex with him.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.

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(850): View more from Florida

He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�

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(914): View more from New York

Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc

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(256): View more from Alabama

Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over

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(917): View more from New York City

Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.

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(516): View more from New York

On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.

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(310): View more from California

When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried

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(925): View more from California

I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.

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(616): View more from Michigan

sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

Fair enough.

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(319): View more from Iowa

This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...

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(716): View more from New York

It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week

(210): View more from Texas

You are the most depressed sports fan I know

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(509): View more from Washington

If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Check the mailbox while you're out!

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex

(603): View more from New Hampshire

College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?

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(404): View more from Georgia

I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom

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(816): View more from Missouri

One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!

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(662): View more from Mississippi

He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.

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(602): View more from Arizona

The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast

(480): View more from Arizona

I'm so there

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(731): View more from Tennessee

He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?

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(703): View more from Virginia

How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.

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(360): View more from Washington

first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on

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(416): View more from Toronto

How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?

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(550): View more from

I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

What are your plans?

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.

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(61): View more from Australia

Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.

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(949): View more from California

It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?

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(703): View more from Virginia

The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.

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(512): View more from Texas

Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?

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(705): View more from Ontario

Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.

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(631): View more from New York

he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed

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(807): View more from Ontario

We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.

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(260): View more from Indiana

I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.

(864): View more from South Carolina

I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.

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(818): View more from California

You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.

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(714): View more from California

I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!

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(651): View more from Minnesota

You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days

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(240): View more from Maryland

The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.

(301): View more from Maryland

Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.

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(520): View more from Arizona

So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational

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(904): View more from Florida

Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.

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(310): View more from California

Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?

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(239): View more from Florida

And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok

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(585): View more from New York

I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.

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(646): View more from New York

I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea

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(512): View more from Texas

just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!

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(775): View more from Nevada

You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal

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(518): View more from New York

That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.

(315): View more from New York

Who is this?!????

(518): View more from New York

That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...

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(660): View more from Missouri

hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?

(816): View more from Missouri

yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward

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(858): View more from California

we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.

(858): View more from California

Where did he get the tophat?

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(269): View more from Michigan

1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.

(269): View more from Michigan

7) Noodle arms: engage

(269): View more from Michigan

The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.

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(561): View more from Florida

I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!

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(954): View more from Florida

Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white

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(515): View more from Iowa

Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.

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(+33): View more from France

Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.

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(631): View more from New York

Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become

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(734): View more from Michigan

If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do

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(330): View more from Ohio

I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins

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(760): View more from California

My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town

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(515): View more from Iowa

He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.

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(541): View more from Oregon

He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.

(541): View more from Oregon

Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory

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(916): View more from California

Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?

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(805): View more from California

The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.

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(360): View more from Washington

A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work

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(219): View more from Indiana

I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?

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(901): View more from Tennessee

The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella

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(301): View more from Maryland

Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?

(1-301): View more from Maryland

It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!

(740): View more from Ohio

And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes

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(406): View more from Montana

its 2pm. u awake yet?

(1-406): View more from Montana

ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.

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(903): View more from Texas

Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.

(1-903): View more from Texas

Dude I've been in FL since Monday.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend

(231): View more from Michigan

I love it when he cheats on me with nice people

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(651): View more from Minnesota

It happened again.

(612): View more from Minnesota

What?

(651): View more from Minnesota

I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.

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(619): View more from California

Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist

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(775): View more from Nevada

Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot

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(248): View more from Michigan

The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"

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(734): View more from Michigan

I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.

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(541): View more from Oregon

How are you feeling?

(1-541): View more from Oregon

Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.

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(217): View more from Illinois

what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"

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(703): View more from Virginia

I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.

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(541): View more from Oregon

No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.

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(858): View more from California

Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.

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(530): View more from California

Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me

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(609): View more from New Jersey

When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.

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(323): View more from California

All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again

(424): View more from California

I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill

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(708): View more from Illinois

i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard

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(256): View more from Alabama

It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.

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(802): View more from Vermont

You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.

(1-802): View more from Vermont

A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.

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(518): View more from New York

I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness

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(660): View more from Missouri

You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?

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(816): View more from Missouri

He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.

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(+81): View more from

There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"

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(360): View more from Washington

I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.

(1-360): View more from Washington

It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!

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(727): View more from Florida

I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!

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(907): View more from Alaska

You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.

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(313): View more from Michigan

From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.

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(386): View more from Florida

In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.

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(705): View more from Ontario

You sprinted into the side of a parked car

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(916): View more from California

There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE

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(586): View more from Michigan

Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?

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(518): View more from New York

If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.

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(214): View more from Texas

We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.

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(858): View more from California

We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?

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(318): View more from Louisiana

PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...

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(310): View more from California

Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning

(1-832): View more from Houston, Texas

Damnit.

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(813): View more from Florida

So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.

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(917): View more from New York City

New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.

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(801): View more from Utah

Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.

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(435): View more from Utah

Thanks for fucking me in last night

(435): View more from Utah

TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?

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(905): View more from Ontario

Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.

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(616): View more from Michigan

You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.

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(917): View more from New York City

I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter

(504): View more from Louisiana

Is this a considering it or regretting it text?

(318): View more from Louisiana

I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.

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(906): View more from Michigan

We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.

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(239): View more from Florida

Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.

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(407): View more from Florida

I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.

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(810): View more from Michigan

In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way

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(315): View more from New York

I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.

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(209): View more from California

I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities

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(707): View more from California

He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?

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(248): View more from Michigan

Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"

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(318): View more from Louisiana

My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock

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(416): View more from Toronto

I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.

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(802): View more from Vermont

as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment

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(773): View more from Illinois

blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.

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(770): View more from Georgia

He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.

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(616): View more from Michigan

The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".

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(+27): View more from South Africa

Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation

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(713): View more from Texas

So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".

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(847): View more from Illinois

How was it playing wingman?

(312): View more from Illinois

I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed

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(907): View more from Alaska

There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.

(307): View more from Wyoming

I wholeheartedly concur

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(330): View more from Ohio

So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.

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(206): View more from Washington

Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard

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(317): View more from Indiana

You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".

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(848): View more from New Jersey

We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.

(848): View more from New Jersey

A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.

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(614): View more from Ohio

fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom

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(203): View more from Connecticut

No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused

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(505): View more from New Mexico

People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face

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(856): View more from New Jersey

After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.

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(904): View more from Florida

I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.

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(805): View more from California

I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.

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(303): View more from Colorado

that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me

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(303): View more from Colorado

Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??

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(298): View more from

The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.

(208): View more from Idaho

You're the only meteorologist I listen to.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.

(651): View more from Minnesota

You are a terrible person.

(763): View more from Minnesota

I just try to be optimistic...

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(707): View more from California

Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket

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(856): View more from New Jersey

He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority

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(323): View more from California

The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.

(323): View more from California

Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in

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(406): View more from Montana

Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad

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(865): View more from Tennessee

He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her

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(424): View more from California

The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "

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(309): View more from Illinois

Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".

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(513): View more from Ohio

Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY

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(510): View more from California

Found an old burrito under my bed

(415): View more from California

You are a sick fuck

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(256): View more from Alabama

Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...

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(214): View more from Texas

True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like

(972): View more from Texas

Why do you text me weird shit like this?

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(585): View more from New York

I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one

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(248): View more from Michigan

I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.

(586): View more from Michigan

...how and why.

(248): View more from Michigan

PARENTS ARE MAGIC.

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(440): View more from Ohio

New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front

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(661): View more from California

Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.

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(359): View more from

A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.

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(334): View more from Alabama

OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS

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(847): View more from Illinois

She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.

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(928): View more from Arizona

Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*

(1-828): View more from North Carolina

omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet

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(512): View more from Texas

You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."

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(613): View more from Ontario

hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"

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(775): View more from Nevada

He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

Hey I found a cat!

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(989): View more from Michigan

I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...

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(623): View more from Arizona

Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?

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(210): View more from Texas

I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....

(1-540): View more from Virginia

I seemed to have misplaced my pants...

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(352): View more from Florida

a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.

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(915): View more from Texas

God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.

(1-828): View more from North Carolina

Did someone catch you and fuck you?

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(352): View more from Florida

We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours

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(402): View more from Nebraska

It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.

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(208): View more from Idaho

This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...

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(317): View more from Indiana

Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming

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(914): View more from New York

Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it

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(616): View more from Michigan

what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?

(1-616): View more from Michigan

i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right

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(740): View more from Ohio

so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.

(828): View more from North Carolina

Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming

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(440): View more from Ohio

Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness

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(517): View more from Michigan

Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time

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(931): View more from Tennessee

ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.

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(707): View more from California

Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent

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(720): View more from Colorado

My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future

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(616): View more from Michigan

i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.

(616): View more from Michigan

someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even

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(719): View more from Colorado

I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.

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(630): View more from Illinois

no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.

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(954): View more from Florida

You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me

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(269): View more from Michigan

I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?

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(408): View more from California

We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar

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(646): View more from New York

I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!

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(515): View more from Iowa

Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.

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(303): View more from Colorado

We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool

(1-303): View more from Colorado

We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern

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(757): View more from Virginia

Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"

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(256): View more from Alabama

It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??

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(618): View more from Illinois

You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities

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(316): View more from Kansas

She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.

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(530): View more from California

I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.

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(705): View more from Ontario

you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"

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(415): View more from California

I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...

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(850): View more from Florida

He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk

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(626): View more from California

Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why

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(847): View more from Illinois

It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.

(224): View more from Illinois

Those were right hand only?

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(260): View more from Indiana

as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...

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(312): View more from Illinois

My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.

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(631): View more from New York

You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.

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(818): View more from California

We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.

(619): View more from California

I will find you...

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."

(1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?

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(540): View more from Virginia

Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.

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(417): View more from Missouri

He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.

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(431): View more from

Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background

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(520): View more from Arizona

Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol

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(574): View more from Indiana

i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.

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(805): View more from California

Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.

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(904): View more from Florida

At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!

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(805): View more from California

Is the party worth it?

(512): View more from Texas

I am drink. Beer pony and singing.

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(718): View more from New York

All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."

(347): View more from New York

What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.

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(740): View more from Ohio

The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica

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(443): View more from Maryland

Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?

(301): View more from Maryland

Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.

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(219): View more from Indiana

"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."

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(812): View more from Indiana

I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...

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(210): View more from Texas

I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.

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(805): View more from California

I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship

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(540): View more from Virginia

Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.

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(410): View more from Maryland

There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah

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(505): View more from New Mexico

You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome

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(954): View more from Florida

Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger

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(310): View more from California

i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works

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(438): View more from Quebec

Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.

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(514): View more from Quebec

AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"

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(913): View more from Kansas

Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives

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(940): View more from Texas

Sorry about the flaming shit on your door

(940): View more from Texas

I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?

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(707): View more from California

Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.

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(360): View more from Washington

I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.

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(416): View more from Toronto

drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea

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(386): View more from Florida

How was the party last night?

(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...

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(320): View more from Minnesota

how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?

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(770): View more from Georgia

You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.

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(219): View more from Indiana

N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.

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(916): View more from California

What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping

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(661): View more from California

First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.

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(480): View more from Arizona

There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?

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(718): View more from New York

I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid

(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak

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(404): View more from Georgia

Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?

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(519): View more from Ontario

woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass

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(406): View more from Montana

Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?

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(813): View more from Florida

I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam

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(912): View more from Georgia

thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..

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(716): View more from New York

Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.

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(940): View more from Texas

I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.

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(914): View more from New York

It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you

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(330): View more from Ohio

Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM

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(517): View more from Michigan

Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial

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(949): View more from California

the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.

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(630): View more from Illinois

There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Bring gay.

(250): View more from British Columbia

By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.

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(847): View more from Illinois

YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU

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(850): View more from Florida

It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.

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(619): View more from California

You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"

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(661): View more from California

Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.

(248): View more from Michigan

There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.

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(248): View more from Michigan

You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.

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(561): View more from Florida

Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!

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(770): View more from Georgia

All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.

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(+61): View more from Australia

It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.

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(585): View more from New York

i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold

(1-585): View more from New York

hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?

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(504): View more from Louisiana

You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.

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(443): View more from Maryland

BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today

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(716): View more from New York

It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.

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(541): View more from Oregon

You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum

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(423): View more from Tennessee

She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".

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(417): View more from Missouri

My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

my cup is half full, half full of rum.

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(248): View more from Michigan

today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much

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(817): View more from Texas

Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.

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(417): View more from Missouri

THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW

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(716): View more from New York

I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly

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(541): View more from Oregon

I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music

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(817): View more from Texas

Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.

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(716): View more from New York

please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.

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(631): View more from New York

Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

I believe they call that patchouli.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.

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(410): View more from Maryland

You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.

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(434): View more from Virginia

It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all

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(678): View more from Georgia

Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.

(404): View more from Georgia

We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...

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(818): View more from California

The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.

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(541): View more from Oregon

How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"

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(253): View more from Washington

Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick

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(971): View more from Oregon

Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.

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(646): View more from New York

Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years

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(469): View more from Texas

I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...

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(616): View more from Michigan

We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"

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(615): View more from Tennessee

There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.

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(917): View more from New York City

i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.

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(714): View more from California

Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?

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(443): View more from Maryland

I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus

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(937): View more from Ohio

I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant

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(778): View more from British Columbia

First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.

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(406): View more from Montana

We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.

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(705): View more from Ontario

All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder

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(614): View more from Ohio

TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG

(1-614): View more from Ohio

HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS

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(540): View more from Virginia

It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...

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(907): View more from Alaska

It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.

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(718): View more from New York

So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.

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(541): View more from Oregon

He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans

(503): View more from Oregon

Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.

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(224): View more from Illinois

Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.

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(214): View more from Texas

This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?

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(989): View more from Michigan

I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.

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(772): View more from Florida

Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Cockoligist

(587): View more from Alberta

Yes, one may refer to me as that.

(587): View more from Alberta

I should make business cards.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room

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(727): View more from Florida

I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?

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(404): View more from Georgia

Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?

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(914): View more from New York

Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator

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(605): View more from South Dakota

But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors

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(310): View more from California

I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase

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(925): View more from California

I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.

(415): View more from California

I still don't know how you've lived this long.

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(817): View more from Texas

Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."

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(904): View more from Florida

It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills

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(613): View more from Ontario

Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday

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(410): View more from Maryland

It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.

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(650): View more from California

We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.

(650): View more from California

And so far nothing been broken!

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(907): View more from Alaska

Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

Did you sleep with him again?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?

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(518): View more from New York

It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?

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(541): View more from Oregon

So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.

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(360): View more from Washington

So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.

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(925): View more from California

I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send

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(509): View more from Washington

Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane

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(850): View more from Florida

He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.

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(937): View more from Ohio

whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had

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(404): View more from Georgia

Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?

(1-404): View more from Georgia

At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.

(404): View more from Georgia

Why did I wake up by myself then?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"

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(703): View more from Virginia

A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?

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(647): View more from Ontario

I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...

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(772): View more from Florida

The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person

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(209): View more from California

Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!

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(989): View more from Michigan

I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits

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(515): View more from Iowa

i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?

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(614): View more from Ohio

The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think

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(510): View more from California

Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?

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(714): View more from California

You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.

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(585): View more from New York

WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out

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(678): View more from Georgia

Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong

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(325): View more from Texas

It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"

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(805): View more from California

I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace

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(520): View more from Arizona

Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.

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(720): View more from Colorado

THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!

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(507): View more from Minnesota

My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.

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(+86): View more from China

Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away

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(706): View more from Georgia

I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...

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(678): View more from Georgia

She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha

(1-314): View more from Missouri

No.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..

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(435): View more from Utah

I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!

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(217): View more from Illinois

Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest

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(816): View more from Missouri

Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.

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(613): View more from Ontario

hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.

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(713): View more from Texas

I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.

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(678): View more from Georgia

His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".

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(+61): View more from Australia

Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.

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(801): View more from Utah

You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.

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(585): View more from New York

It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college

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(904): View more from Florida

Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?

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(515): View more from Iowa

I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?

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(563): View more from Iowa

He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you

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(815): View more from Illinois

This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me

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(207): View more from Maine

I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago

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(415): View more from California

I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.

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(512): View more from Texas

Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it

(1-512): View more from Texas

We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...

(512): View more from Texas

This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.

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(585): View more from New York

Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?

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(416): View more from Toronto

also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm

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(907): View more from Alaska

ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it

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(602): View more from Arizona

When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.

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(416): View more from Toronto

im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.

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(574): View more from Indiana

Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others

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(248): View more from Michigan

David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.

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(210): View more from Texas

Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.

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(816): View more from Missouri

This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"

(573): View more from Missouri

Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops

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(905): View more from Ontario

he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions

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(386): View more from Florida

Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?

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(443): View more from Maryland

They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Alive.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

So much puke

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.

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(845): View more from New York

I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.

(1-309): View more from Illinois

Tis the season.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells

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(901): View more from Tennessee

ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter

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(515): View more from Iowa

I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.

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(574): View more from Indiana

No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you

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(828): View more from North Carolina

It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it

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(630): View more from Illinois

Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me

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(510): View more from California

This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.

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(207): View more from Maine

I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.

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(619): View more from California

Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.

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(845): View more from New York

I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.

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(917): View more from New York City

It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.

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(480): View more from Arizona

You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it

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(507): View more from Minnesota

You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"

(815): View more from Illinois

I stand by it.

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(937): View more from Ohio

We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.

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(216): View more from Ohio

i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control

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(256): View more from Alabama

I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...

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(512): View more from Texas

Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.

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(+61): View more from Australia

What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?

(1+61): View more from

Mobile recharge?

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(940): View more from Texas

Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs

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(309): View more from Illinois

I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked

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(407): View more from Florida

It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant

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(315): View more from New York

Awee what are you going to name your new dog?

(315): View more from New York

What dog?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous

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(760): View more from California

Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself

(760): View more from California

Though I typed a half of that one

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(330): View more from Ohio

Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.

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(585): View more from New York

I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.

(1-585): View more from New York

I regret none of it.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead

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(845): View more from New York

i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend

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(757): View more from Virginia

It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad

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(515): View more from Iowa

Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha

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(647): View more from Ontario

I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.

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(309): View more from Illinois

And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.

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(309): View more from Illinois

It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.

(1-309): View more from Illinois

...Wow...

(309): View more from Illinois

I could be a kindergarten teacher

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(310): View more from California

We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating

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(708): View more from Illinois

We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting

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(253): View more from Washington

Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know

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(417): View more from Missouri

For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?

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(909): View more from California

I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian

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(+32): View more from Belgium

You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...

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(954): View more from Florida

I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window

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(678): View more from Georgia

So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.

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(310): View more from California

Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.

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(251): View more from Alabama

We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.

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(574): View more from Indiana

can anyone on this campus do anything sober?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position

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(512): View more from Texas

I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.

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(434): View more from Virginia

THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER

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(734): View more from Michigan

I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.

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(518): View more from New York

Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.

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(805): View more from California

Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job

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(404): View more from Georgia

I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.

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(917): View more from New York City

Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina

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(248): View more from Michigan

We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?

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(517): View more from Michigan

Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it

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(816): View more from Missouri

First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.

(540): View more from Virginia

Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together

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(937): View more from Ohio

Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.

(415): View more from California

Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?

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(309): View more from Illinois

Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?

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(901): View more from Tennessee

My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.

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(970): View more from Colorado

She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.

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(971): View more from Oregon

I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.

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(760): View more from California

Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.

(432): View more from Texas

You're so wise.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits

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(847): View more from Illinois

The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.

(312): View more from Illinois

Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE

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(435): View more from Utah

It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.

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(830): View more from Texas

Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome

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(734): View more from Michigan

Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.

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(818): View more from California

Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.

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(303): View more from Colorado

We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options

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(301): View more from Maryland

I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.

(301): View more from Maryland

Oh god, what has my life become?

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(770): View more from Georgia

I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.

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(913): View more from Kansas

This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home

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(631): View more from New York

I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!

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(718): View more from New York

Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.

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(904): View more from Florida

Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.

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(650): View more from California

No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?

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(727): View more from Florida

Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..

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(312): View more from Illinois

Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?

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(406): View more from Montana

There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.

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(614): View more from Ohio

They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.

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(240): View more from Maryland

All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again

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(404): View more from Georgia

He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.

(404): View more from Georgia

In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.

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(514): View more from Quebec

It's a drunk scavenger hunt.

(514): View more from Quebec

Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking

(815): View more from Illinois

the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ

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(302): View more from Delaware

Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...

(262): View more from Wisconsin

I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.

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(207): View more from Maine

Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...

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(714): View more from California

Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream

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(760): View more from California

You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.

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(760): View more from California

Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun

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(319): View more from Iowa

...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.

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(513): View more from Ohio

If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.

(905): View more from Ontario

Fuhga

(250): View more from British Columbia

Thank you.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy

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(510): View more from California

Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me

(206): View more from Washington

That is an interesting fear as well as image

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(818): View more from California

end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin

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(404): View more from Georgia

After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"

(404): View more from Georgia

I come from her. Holy hell.

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(518): View more from New York

He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'

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(440): View more from Ohio

Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.

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(706): View more from Georgia

See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working

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(520): View more from Arizona

She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.

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(513): View more from Ohio

These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Why is there broken glass in my purse?

(1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting

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(309): View more from Illinois

well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly

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(503): View more from Oregon

Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.

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(971): View more from Oregon

Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.

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(830): View more from Texas

I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time

(830): View more from Texas

well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from

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(734): View more from Michigan

Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?

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(507): View more from Minnesota

You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me

(815): View more from Illinois

I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?

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(816): View more from Missouri

The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.

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(+33): View more from France

And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".

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(714): View more from California

No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?

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(757): View more from Virginia

So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.

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(517): View more from Michigan

It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration

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(716): View more from New York

I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat

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(850): View more from Florida

If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.

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(416): View more from Toronto

She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say

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(408): View more from California

I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"

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(434): View more from Virginia

My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you

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(512): View more from Texas

Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on

(778): View more from British Columbia

SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

We can Fuck in the shower to save time

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.

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(415): View more from California

If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest

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(512): View more from Texas

He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."

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(602): View more from Arizona

The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party

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(301): View more from Maryland

Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night

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(817): View more from Texas

I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"

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(310): View more from California

At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.

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(703): View more from Virginia

He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.

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(207): View more from Maine

I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.

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(940): View more from Texas

I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.

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(874): View more from

I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!

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(845): View more from New York

Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands

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(951): View more from California

Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.

(1-951): View more from California

I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.

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(912): View more from Georgia

I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.

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(317): View more from Indiana

SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?

(701): View more from North Dakota

In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!

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(218): View more from Minnesota

WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!

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(301): View more from Maryland

He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.

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(214): View more from Texas

we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked

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(509): View more from Washington

Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.

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(909): View more from California

i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on

(901): View more from Tennessee

continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.

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(281): View more from Texas

I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.

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(515): View more from Iowa

SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.

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(432): View more from Texas

posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready

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(952): View more from Minnesota

He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.

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(512): View more from Texas

My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.

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(212): View more from New York

you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window

(212): View more from New York

i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there

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(734): View more from Michigan

If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.

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(987): View more from

Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.

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(512): View more from Texas

They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual

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(425): View more from Washington

The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.

(541): View more from Oregon

Mole people?

(425): View more from Washington

Mole people

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(512): View more from Texas

I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today

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(440): View more from Ohio

Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"

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(917): View more from New York City

That would make regret #10

(646): View more from New York

He was more like the original regret

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(269): View more from Michigan

My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.

(316): View more from Kansas

That's the best creepy text ever.

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads

(1-787): View more from Puerto Rico

Croutons?

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(516): View more from New York

My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?

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(605): View more from South Dakota

If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.

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(917): View more from New York City

Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?

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(510): View more from California

It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid

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(+61): View more from Australia

I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!

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(404): View more from Georgia

also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm officially in the Christmas spirit

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(818): View more from California

Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something

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(253): View more from Washington

Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine

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(765): View more from Indiana

soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.

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(443): View more from Maryland

How's my date look?

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Like a retarded elf

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

In a good way

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(424): View more from California

I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.

(479): View more from Arkansas

This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.

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(940): View more from Texas

BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?

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(281): View more from Texas

You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise

(908): View more from New Jersey

omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee

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(336): View more from North Carolina

that was THE gayest party i've ever been to

(1-336): View more from North Carolina

To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor

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(602): View more from Arizona

This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...

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(607): View more from New York

I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.

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(760): View more from California

Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away

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(310): View more from California

Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.

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(619): View more from California

But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.

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(330): View more from Ohio

The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.

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(562): View more from California

I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"

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(614): View more from Ohio

It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.

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(613): View more from Ontario

He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work

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(662): View more from Mississippi

We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"

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(713): View more from Texas

My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.

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(303): View more from Colorado

trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes

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(503): View more from Oregon

i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again

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(404): View more from Georgia

Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.

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(630): View more from Illinois

We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning

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(614): View more from Ohio

You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league

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(515): View more from Iowa

Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them

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(417): View more from Missouri

Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.

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(585): View more from New York

Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook

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(206): View more from Washington

I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again

(1-206): View more from Washington

RESPECT THE VODQUILA

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning

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(312): View more from Illinois

He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.

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(805): View more from California

Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.

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(713): View more from Texas

Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.

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(561): View more from Florida

She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.

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(647): View more from Ontario

YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS

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(314): View more from Missouri

"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.

(1-314): View more from Missouri

When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?

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(513): View more from Ohio

Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.

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(519): View more from Ontario

It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.

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(989): View more from Michigan

This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.

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(541): View more from Oregon

rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.

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(904): View more from Florida

Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven

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(563): View more from Iowa

Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?

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(702): View more from Nevada

This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change

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(319): View more from Iowa

I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been

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(207): View more from Maine

I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.

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(620): View more from Kansas

Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.

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(845): View more from New York

The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.

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(845): View more from New York

HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???

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(240): View more from Maryland

I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.

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(647): View more from Ontario

So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.

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(925): View more from California

I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission

(925): View more from California

Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol

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(847): View more from Illinois

This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

ROADTRIP.

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(319): View more from Iowa

I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'm your Election Erection Connection

(860): View more from Connecticut

I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.

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(912): View more from Georgia

He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five

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(417): View more from Missouri

Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude, they all thought you were gay.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

We are the best.

(250): View more from British Columbia

Ps. We need to take the garbage out.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?

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(757): View more from Virginia

So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night

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(703): View more from Virginia

We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.

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(515): View more from Iowa

As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.

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(360): View more from Washington

I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.

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(314): View more from Missouri

For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.

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(916): View more from California

Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

What the fuck, why would you ever do that?

(250): View more from British Columbia

Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?

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(905): View more from Ontario

It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5

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(985): View more from Louisiana

He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.

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(530): View more from California

Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me

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(509): View more from Washington

This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.

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(850): View more from Florida

Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.

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(619): View more from California

I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.

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(845): View more from New York

You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital

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(355): View more from

He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat

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(817): View more from Texas

You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.

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(410): View more from Maryland

You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.

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(316): View more from Kansas

She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.

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(530): View more from California

Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..

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(716): View more from New York

Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?

(716): View more from New York

If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter

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(330): View more from Ohio

Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.

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(410): View more from Maryland

So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity

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(210): View more from Texas

I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?

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(812): View more from Indiana

Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.

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(708): View more from Illinois

That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device

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(406): View more from Montana

Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.

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(281): View more from Texas

She really is something else.

(713): View more from Texas

Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.

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(772): View more from Florida

Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??

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(970): View more from Colorado

Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.

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(815): View more from Illinois

holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?

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(541): View more from Oregon

One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.

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(619): View more from California

If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.

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(614): View more from Ohio

So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere

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(303): View more from Colorado

how did operation slutty penguin go?

(619): View more from California

pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter

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(906): View more from Michigan

Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it

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(916): View more from California

Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?

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(970): View more from Colorado

I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on

(1-970): View more from Colorado

maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either

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(513): View more from Ohio

I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone

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(616): View more from Michigan

We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.

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(815): View more from Illinois

When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome

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(310): View more from California

oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.

(1-715): View more from Wisconsin

I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)

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(805): View more from California

not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone

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(714): View more from California

I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�

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(302): View more from Delaware

This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers

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(705): View more from Ontario

Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(

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(501): View more from Arkansas

The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.

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(989): View more from Michigan

These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday

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(513): View more from Ohio

OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD

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(303): View more from Colorado

Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex

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(903): View more from Texas

I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.

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(312): View more from Illinois

i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.

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(509): View more from Washington

We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building

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(504): View more from Louisiana

From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.

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(863): View more from Florida

I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING

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(519): View more from Ontario

I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.

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(773): View more from Illinois

my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???

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(607): View more from New York

I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...

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(218): View more from Minnesota

found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day

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(302): View more from Delaware

I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight

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(773): View more from Illinois

Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.

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(408): View more from California

do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??

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(917): View more from New York City

She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone

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(250): View more from British Columbia

do u know what happened to the bottles last night?

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone

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(650): View more from California

Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night

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(315): View more from New York

I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night

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(850): View more from Florida

A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces

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(812): View more from Indiana

Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night

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(613): View more from Ontario

Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest

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(216): View more from Ohio

Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"

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(607): View more from New York

There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers

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(630): View more from Illinois

I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.

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(718): View more from New York

She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet

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(775): View more from Nevada

Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)

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(802): View more from Vermont

Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...

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(541): View more from Oregon

Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday

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(330): View more from Ohio

Im coming down to miami this weekend

(1-330): View more from Ohio

We shall drink from the everclear river

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!

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(314): View more from Missouri

He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl

(201): View more from New Jersey

I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl

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(443): View more from Maryland

Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.

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(518): View more from New York

Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety

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(310): View more from California

Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...

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(864): View more from South Carolina

her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.

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(518): View more from New York

Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins

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(917): View more from New York City

Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.

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(845): View more from New York

lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..

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(940): View more from Texas

She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.

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(209): View more from California

I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.

(209): View more from California

Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.

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(509): View more from Washington

He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.

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(+63): View more from

there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi

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(602): View more from Arizona

Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake

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(904): View more from Florida

My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.

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(302): View more from Delaware

This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

who dressed up as a cop at your party???

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

idk I have to check. Why?

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.

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(524): View more from

I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles

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(916): View more from California

It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?

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(719): View more from Colorado

Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.

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(207): View more from Maine

Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...

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(419): View more from Ohio

I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him

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(416): View more from Toronto

He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"

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(406): View more from Montana

Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween

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(250): View more from British Columbia

My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.

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(315): View more from New York

This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID

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(914): View more from New York

I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"

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(770): View more from Georgia

If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.

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(845): View more from New York

I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.

(1-808): View more from Hawaii

To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug

(970): View more from Colorado

Come join me

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(602): View more from Arizona

All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.

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(948): View more from

He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone

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(203): View more from Connecticut

How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.

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(636): View more from Missouri

In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.

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(757): View more from Virginia

She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.

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(917): View more from New York City

idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now

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(916): View more from California

I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.

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(512): View more from Texas

I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me

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(316): View more from Kansas

You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.

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(410): View more from Maryland

The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.

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(443): View more from Maryland

i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?

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(989): View more from Michigan

I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...

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(541): View more from Oregon

Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.

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(440): View more from Ohio

As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"

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(212): View more from New York

That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!

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(303): View more from Colorado

Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!

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(415): View more from California

If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft

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(714): View more from California

You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??

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(785): View more from Kansas

Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?

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(815): View more from Illinois

THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES

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(248): View more from Michigan

Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.

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(310): View more from California

This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?

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(712): View more from Iowa

Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.

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(718): View more from New York

He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?

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(315): View more from New York

im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.

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(713): View more from Texas

Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.

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(516): View more from New York

yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.

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(309): View more from Illinois

We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you

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(916): View more from California

That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag

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(949): View more from California

Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then

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(402): View more from Nebraska

He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.

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(845): View more from New York

You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.

(1-715): View more from Wisconsin

I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.

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(360): View more from Washington

I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?

(214): View more from Texas

Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.

(440): View more from Ohio

Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.

(304): View more from West Virginia

She seemed pretty into it.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.

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(631): View more from New York

She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis

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(703): View more from Virginia

Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.

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(716): View more from New York

took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink

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(208): View more from Idaho

I don't wanna be gay for a night.

(850): View more from Florida

I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair

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(250): View more from British Columbia

not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!

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(250): View more from British Columbia

The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that

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(630): View more from Illinois

its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it

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(214): View more from Texas

Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?

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(408): View more from California

You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.

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(904): View more from Florida

I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!

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(323): View more from California

Your cock deserves a montage

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(650): View more from California

I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"

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(971): View more from Oregon

I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.

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(785): View more from Kansas

They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea

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(530): View more from California

Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it

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(206): View more from Washington

That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods

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(205): View more from Alabama

It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.

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(813): View more from Florida

People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer

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(727): View more from Florida

Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.

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(391): View more from

She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once

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(949): View more from California

I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture

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(240): View more from Maryland

Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.

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(347): View more from New York

I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?

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(419): View more from Ohio

I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...

(567): View more from Ohio

Keep it.

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(858): View more from California

I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.

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(818): View more from California

I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.

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(614): View more from Ohio

We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.

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(607): View more from New York

Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.

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(406): View more from Montana

Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid

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(502): View more from Kentucky

You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen

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(315): View more from New York

Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?

(540): View more from Virginia

Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude

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(765): View more from Indiana

Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I need to hump something and I know u understand.

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(214): View more from Texas

Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.

(1-214): View more from Texas

I love you.

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(925): View more from California

If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.

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(217): View more from Illinois

he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.

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(661): View more from California

He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.

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(206): View more from Washington

So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion

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(563): View more from Iowa

Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE

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(407): View more from Florida

SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with

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(916): View more from California

The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...

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(734): View more from Michigan

It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back

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(478): View more from Georgia

Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.

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(314): View more from Missouri

So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars

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(314): View more from Missouri

Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine

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(416): View more from Toronto

She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.

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(512): View more from Texas

I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole

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(563): View more from Iowa

I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.

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(519): View more from Ontario

And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.

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(407): View more from Florida

He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...

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(650): View more from California

Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.

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(958): View more from

her vagina just converted me to Judaism.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?

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(626): View more from California

Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy

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(818): View more from California

Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.

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(771): View more from

i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

I love you football head

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(415): View more from California

My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob

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(219): View more from Indiana

I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.

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(571): View more from Virginia

Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face

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(626): View more from California

you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup

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(307): View more from Wyoming

i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.

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(631): View more from New York

Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.

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(845): View more from New York

New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.

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(845): View more from New York

I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.

(845): View more from New York

I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"

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(913): View more from Kansas

Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.

(816): View more from Missouri

Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

What kind of costume was that supposed to be??

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

I'm an orgasm trader!

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(908): View more from New Jersey

And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned

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(505): View more from New Mexico

did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed

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(845): View more from New York

Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.

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(850): View more from Florida

She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.

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(904): View more from Florida

The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo

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(904): View more from Florida

Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight

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(561): View more from Florida

Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude

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(609): View more from New Jersey

pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.

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(443): View more from Maryland

My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.

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(407): View more from Florida

More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out

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(802): View more from Vermont

Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!

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(425): View more from Washington

I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.

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(614): View more from Ohio

After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea

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(850): View more from Florida

I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.

(239): View more from Florida

that is the opposite of a normal text message.

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(301): View more from Maryland

That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?

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(319): View more from Iowa

Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here

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(702): View more from Nevada

By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set

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(310): View more from California

I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass

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(206): View more from Washington

She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me

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(224): View more from Illinois

Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.

(1-715): View more from Wisconsin

PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.

(1-715): View more from Wisconsin

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.

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(516): View more from New York

New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.

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(407): View more from Florida

How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color

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(661): View more from California

I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.

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(845): View more from New York

It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.

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(785): View more from Kansas

You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore

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(519): View more from Ontario

Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours

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(515): View more from Iowa

Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.

(615): View more from Tennessee

My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.

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(907): View more from Alaska

according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?

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(618): View more from Illinois

I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.

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(630): View more from Illinois

You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five

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(336): View more from North Carolina

It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno

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(410): View more from Maryland

I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.

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(253): View more from Washington

He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.

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(831): View more from California

Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...

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(239): View more from Florida

Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door

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(330): View more from Ohio

Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.

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(574): View more from Indiana

should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?

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(561): View more from Florida

Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.

(1-561): View more from Florida

How high are you?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has

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(575): View more from New Mexico

Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.

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(801): View more from Utah

My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.

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(425): View more from Washington

The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.

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(361): View more from Texas

I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body

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(512): View more from Texas

Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.

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(703): View more from Virginia

that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm two sheets to the sexual wind

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."

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(317): View more from Indiana

When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.

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(805): View more from California

We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"

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(818): View more from California

I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...

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(258): View more from

You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.

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(310): View more from California

I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one

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(301): View more from Maryland

This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday

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(519): View more from Ontario

Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay

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(631): View more from New York

They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !

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(214): View more from Texas

Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat

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(512): View more from Texas

Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.

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(817): View more from Texas

And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"

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(813): View more from Florida

I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.

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(334): View more from Alabama

We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"

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(904): View more from Florida

You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.

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(514): View more from Quebec

Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.

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(954): View more from Florida

aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

You made out with two different species that night

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

So all in all, a good night.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"

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(402): View more from Nebraska

The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"

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(678): View more from Georgia

Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.

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(503): View more from Oregon

get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.

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(707): View more from California

As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.

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(602): View more from Arizona

So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?

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(773): View more from Illinois

I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes

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(828): View more from North Carolina

You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.

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(281): View more from Texas

Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober

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(360): View more from Washington

Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?

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(845): View more from New York

On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.

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(630): View more from Illinois

You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it

(708): View more from Illinois

So thats why that cop beat my ass?

(630): View more from Illinois

Probably

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(760): View more from California

I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?

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(602): View more from Arizona

You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?

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(303): View more from Colorado

When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?

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(925): View more from California

Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls

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(760): View more from California

Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.

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(917): View more from New York City

it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome

(1-917): View more from New York City

second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?

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(512): View more from Texas

You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

A BJ like that needs to be recommended.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.

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(714): View more from California

I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!

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(561): View more from Florida

Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.

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(509): View more from Washington

So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.

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(563): View more from Iowa

So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!

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(720): View more from Colorado

I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.

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(317): View more from Indiana

You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants

(812): View more from Indiana

That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.

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(802): View more from Vermont

You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever

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(817): View more from Texas

Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.

(682): View more from Texas

Oh yum

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(719): View more from Colorado

If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".

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(519): View more from Ontario

Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing

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(627): View more from California

The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.

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(+45): View more from Denmark

I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned

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(425): View more from Washington

The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Is she still in your room?

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...

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(315): View more from New York

drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.

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(801): View more from Utah

fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.

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(915): View more from Texas

I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud

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(408): View more from California

so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister

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(954): View more from Florida

And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight

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(347): View more from New York

Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.

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(407): View more from Florida

We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?

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(613): View more from Ontario

Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.

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(347): View more from New York

maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life

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(319): View more from Iowa

WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER

(1-319): View more from Iowa

THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Bang-toberfest begins!!

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(859): View more from Kentucky

The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow

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(908): View more from New Jersey

But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it

(773): View more from Illinois

It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!

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(605): View more from South Dakota

"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...

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(516): View more from New York

She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.

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(904): View more from Florida

You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have

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(303): View more from Colorado

He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.

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(303): View more from Colorado

If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you

(303): View more from Colorado

Seriously. Castrate.

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(563): View more from Iowa

However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.

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(+61): View more from Australia

So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....

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(254): View more from Texas

I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30

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(760): View more from California

Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.

(818): View more from California

Because it is cat.

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(513): View more from Ohio

He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i have an important question...can you drink in jail?

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(561): View more from Florida

You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...

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(309): View more from Illinois

Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.

(1-309): View more from Illinois

I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.

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(657): View more from California

He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"

(818): View more from California

this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!

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(602): View more from Arizona

Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated

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(863): View more from Florida

Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials

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(+46): View more from Sweden

Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.

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(313): View more from Michigan

What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask

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(315): View more from New York

It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.

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(602): View more from Arizona

The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!

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(970): View more from Colorado

Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.

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(309): View more from Illinois

My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.

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(936): View more from Texas

Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check

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(315): View more from New York

While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Did he at least offer you guys chips?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.

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(917): View more from New York City

She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.

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(315): View more from New York

Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok

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(719): View more from Colorado

I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.

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(858): View more from California

I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.

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(970): View more from Colorado

The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.

(1-601): View more from Mississippi

Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

You fucker.

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(913): View more from Kansas

driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup

(868): View more from Trinidad and Tobago-Carib

So no more sangria road trips?

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(720): View more from Colorado

The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?

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(256): View more from Alabama

It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?

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(207): View more from Maine

This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will

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(315): View more from New York

We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...

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(510): View more from California

Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there

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(850): View more from Florida

Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.

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(785): View more from Kansas

As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.

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(310): View more from California

i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now

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(513): View more from Ohio

It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle

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(614): View more from Ohio

he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?

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(513): View more from Ohio

She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.

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(207): View more from Maine

Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?

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(816): View more from Missouri

I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.

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(817): View more from Texas

Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.

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(817): View more from Texas

Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~

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(407): View more from Florida

You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.

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(518): View more from New York

Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.

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(816): View more from Missouri

We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.

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(765): View more from Indiana

So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.

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(713): View more from Texas

Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.

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(315): View more from New York

That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"

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(613): View more from Ontario

I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.

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(219): View more from Indiana

He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.

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(602): View more from Arizona

What does puking wasabi feel like?

(1-602): View more from Arizona

Like snorting cocaine backwards.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window

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(520): View more from Arizona

I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."

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(716): View more from New York

you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.

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(706): View more from Georgia

It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...

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(614): View more from Ohio

I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.

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(619): View more from California

According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.

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(469): View more from Texas

How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?

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(775): View more from Nevada

My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case

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(646): View more from New York

Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.

(646): View more from New York

Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die

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(407): View more from Florida

Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater

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(503): View more from Oregon

Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.

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(214): View more from Texas

Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.

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(512): View more from Texas

Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.

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(408): View more from California

Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season

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(419): View more from Ohio

Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus

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(503): View more from Oregon

You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME

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(248): View more from Michigan

He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!

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(312): View more from Illinois

Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer

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(954): View more from Florida

I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in

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(219): View more from Indiana

This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup

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(845): View more from New York

I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum

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(631): View more from New York

I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.

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(619): View more from California

No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist

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(303): View more from Colorado

I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind

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(415): View more from California

I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.

(732): View more from New Jersey

you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.

(732): View more from New Jersey

IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.

(606): View more from Kentucky

Fuck him.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...

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(703): View more from Virginia

Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex

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(563): View more from Iowa

As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...

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(623): View more from Arizona

I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.

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(209): View more from California

Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)

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(615): View more from Tennessee

She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.

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(469): View more from Texas

HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.

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(772): View more from Florida

Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.

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(845): View more from New York

I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.

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(650): View more from California

There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?

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(941): View more from Florida

Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?

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(574): View more from Indiana

Whiskey??

(706): View more from Georgia

It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance

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(904): View more from Florida

i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.

(904): View more from Florida

Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again

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(623): View more from Arizona

this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent

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(469): View more from Texas

I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5

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(860): View more from Connecticut

If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.

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(903): View more from Texas

He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown

(336): View more from North Carolina

Oh my god

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(207): View more from Maine

Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.

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(618): View more from Illinois

He's going to be my graduation present to myself.

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(989): View more from Michigan

He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.

(1-989): View more from Michigan

I'll uninvite my mom

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(650): View more from California

My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.

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(303): View more from Colorado

His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"

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(951): View more from California

Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.

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(434): View more from Virginia

I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement

(1-434): View more from Virginia

Dude you were ten when he graduated

(434): View more from Virginia

Wahoowaaaaaaa

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(205): View more from Alabama

My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.

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(281): View more from Texas

A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.

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(415): View more from California

I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT

(707): View more from California

I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.

(415): View more from California

I effort

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(302): View more from Delaware

Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio

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(586): View more from Michigan

Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building

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(216): View more from Ohio

I feel like you just railed me after that sext

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out

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(616): View more from Michigan

If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out

(417): View more from Missouri

You'd think the first few times would have been enough

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(812): View more from Indiana

I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.

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(415): View more from California

White people are beatboxing! Save me.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market

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(714): View more from California

Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.

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(534): View more from Wisconsin

He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime

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(+61): View more from Australia

As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts

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(816): View more from Missouri

He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.

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(406): View more from Montana

Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count

(516): View more from New York

then nothing in my life counts

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(207): View more from Maine

Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.

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(805): View more from California

Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life

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(818): View more from California

the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes

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(310): View more from California

yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand

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(760): View more from California

We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix

(760): View more from California

THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives

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(925): View more from California

she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat

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(419): View more from Ohio

So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES

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(541): View more from Oregon

Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.

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(516): View more from New York

I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget

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(314): View more from Missouri

I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.

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(214): View more from Texas

Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.

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(801): View more from Utah

I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.

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(858): View more from California

I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail

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(805): View more from California

I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore

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(219): View more from Indiana

he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.

(503): View more from Oregon

Score one for dad.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...

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(818): View more from California

Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.

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(718): View more from New York

It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.

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(469): View more from Texas

After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?

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(845): View more from New York

Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single

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(406): View more from Montana

Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...

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(914): View more from New York

probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together

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(207): View more from Maine

HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve

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(520): View more from Arizona

i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.

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(513): View more from Ohio

hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"

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(425): View more from Washington

Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.

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(941): View more from Florida

Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.

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(716): View more from New York

You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will

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(563): View more from Iowa

The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.

(1-563): View more from Iowa

I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.

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(631): View more from New York

Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"

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(515): View more from Iowa

Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?

(515): View more from Iowa

Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...

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(714): View more from California

You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.

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(970): View more from Colorado

The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful

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(907): View more from Alaska

You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog

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(718): View more from New York

I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"

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(619): View more from California

Topless dodge ball cldnt top that

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.

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(760): View more from California

He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.

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(760): View more from California

I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.

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(209): View more from California

His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.

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(904): View more from Florida

But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM

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(740): View more from Ohio

I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life

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(418): View more from Quebec

I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC

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(954): View more from Florida

Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours

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(563): View more from Iowa

The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo

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(504): View more from Louisiana

How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?

(1-504): View more from Louisiana

omg mom no

(504): View more from Louisiana

It's so blood brotha crip what be good

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"

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(914): View more from New York

2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.

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(562): View more from California

I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas

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(979): View more from Texas

I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am

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(615): View more from Tennessee

On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless

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(775): View more from Nevada

Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are

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(812): View more from Indiana

Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina

(513): View more from Ohio

Post that event on your timeline

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.

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(914): View more from New York

The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

10 points to you

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(419): View more from Ohio

So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!

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(937): View more from Ohio

I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.

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(904): View more from Florida

usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru

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(763): View more from Minnesota

It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.

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(607): View more from New York

How high are you?

(413): View more from Massachusetts

I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth

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(503): View more from Oregon

Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.

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(406): View more from Montana

Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving

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(317): View more from Indiana

So did he inherit the massive family cock?

(1-317): View more from Indiana

:(

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(770): View more from Georgia

We have started to decorate penises.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.

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(904): View more from Florida

It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.

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(614): View more from Ohio

It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me

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(757): View more from Virginia

You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?

(1-708): View more from Illinois

Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!

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(907): View more from Alaska

Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???

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(502): View more from Kentucky

How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?

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(716): View more from New York

There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.

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(937): View more from Ohio

BoomCity!!!

(1-937): View more from Ohio

You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2

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(207): View more from Maine

Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man

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(850): View more from Florida

That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.

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(720): View more from Colorado

You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."

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(812): View more from Indiana

Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad

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(901): View more from Tennessee

No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.

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(904): View more from Florida

Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.

(1-904): View more from Florida

I told you to check, dude

(904): View more from Florida

Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!

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(513): View more from Ohio

Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire

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(320): View more from Minnesota

he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.

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(415): View more from California

OPIZZABONMYDICK

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(214): View more from Texas

After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"

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(720): View more from Colorado

ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.

(1-720): View more from Colorado

Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.

(720): View more from Colorado

I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.

(720): View more from Colorado

I rest my case.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.

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(358): View more from

I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.

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(714): View more from California

She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy

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(301): View more from Maryland

If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.

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(530): View more from California

My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed

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(907): View more from Alaska

I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.

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(619): View more from California

Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Get you some cowboy.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.

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(760): View more from California

Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly

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(607): View more from New York

I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Do I really need this much space in my mouth?

(414): View more from Wisconsin

Are you already high?

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.

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(785): View more from Kansas

We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.

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(940): View more from Texas

The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.

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(214): View more from Texas

I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."

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(229): View more from Georgia

I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.

(1-229): View more from Georgia

I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.

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(418): View more from Quebec

You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner

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(515): View more from Iowa

Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.

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(419): View more from Ohio

my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier

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(660): View more from Missouri

I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.

(502): View more from Kentucky

Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.

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(503): View more from Oregon

There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.

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(881): View more from

I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.

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(904): View more from Florida

The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver

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(515): View more from Iowa

It's blow job season.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide

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(406): View more from Montana

I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.

(1-406): View more from Montana

You're so romantic.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money

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(314): View more from Missouri

How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.

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(970): View more from Colorado

He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!

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(630): View more from Illinois

And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards

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(201): View more from New Jersey

We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull

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(250): View more from British Columbia

There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?

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(415): View more from California

The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.

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(703): View more from Virginia

So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this

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(519): View more from Ontario

You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.

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(+49): View more from Germany

Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...

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(607): View more from New York

Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester

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(503): View more from Oregon

Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?

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(301): View more from Maryland

"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class

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(410): View more from Maryland

Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.

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(916): View more from California

All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott

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(916): View more from California

They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk

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(905): View more from Ontario

And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.

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(941): View more from Florida

When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?

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(206): View more from Washington

Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.

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(801): View more from Utah

That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.

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(661): View more from California

I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA

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(949): View more from California

Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite

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(302): View more from Delaware

Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains

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(512): View more from Texas

We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.

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(657): View more from California

He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.

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(309): View more from Illinois

new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?

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(630): View more from Illinois

She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.

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(914): View more from New York

true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"

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(971): View more from Oregon

you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying

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(509): View more from Washington

How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch

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(651): View more from Minnesota

His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.

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(515): View more from Iowa

In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.

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(716): View more from New York

What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...

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(859): View more from Kentucky

No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day

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(716): View more from New York

Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?

(315): View more from New York

Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.

(630): View more from Illinois

As weird as it sounds I would totally be down

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.

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(760): View more from California

Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.

(818): View more from California

That was one of the best texts I got today

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(585): View more from New York

Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?

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(813): View more from Florida

Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.

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(914): View more from New York

Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"

(1-914): View more from New York

New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak

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(660): View more from Missouri

People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic

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(206): View more from Washington

Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

You went home with a man in a loincloth

(914): View more from New York

I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???

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(504): View more from Louisiana

lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult

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(217): View more from Illinois

I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself

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(803): View more from South Carolina

this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie

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(248): View more from Michigan

its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.

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(515): View more from Iowa

She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.

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(734): View more from Michigan

He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.

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(571): View more from Virginia

You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.

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(469): View more from Texas

I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.

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(703): View more from Virginia

can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?

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(406): View more from Montana

There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.

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(813): View more from Florida

IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk

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(410): View more from Maryland

You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails

(1-410): View more from Maryland

I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"

(1-410): View more from Maryland

The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"

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(612): View more from Minnesota

She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?

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(909): View more from California

I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...

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(613): View more from Ontario

Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.

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(503): View more from Oregon

THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment

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(251): View more from Alabama

PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.

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(407): View more from Florida

When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?

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(818): View more from California

I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around

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(720): View more from Colorado

Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...

(303): View more from Colorado

Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.

(651): View more from Minnesota

It's like the Christmas morning of dicks

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(740): View more from Ohio

I have a surprise for you guys

(937): View more from Ohio

What is it?

(740): View more from Ohio

A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS

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(404): View more from Georgia

Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Twice...

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday

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(330): View more from Ohio

Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster

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(519): View more from Ontario

I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots

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(307): View more from Wyoming

The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT

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(845): View more from New York

I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry

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(775): View more from Nevada

Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show

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(517): View more from Michigan

Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?

(1+44): View more from

It's a podium place so yeah...

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(928): View more from Arizona

It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn

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(501): View more from Arkansas

You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.

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(559): View more from California

I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.

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(480): View more from Arizona

He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance

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(574): View more from Indiana

I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.

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(904): View more from Florida

You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.

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(360): View more from Washington

ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.

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(407): View more from Florida

Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy

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(770): View more from Georgia

He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."

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(916): View more from California

We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate

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(208): View more from Idaho

I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?

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(310): View more from California

may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...

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(678): View more from Georgia

I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.

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(817): View more from Texas

She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!

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(210): View more from Texas

I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?

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(512): View more from Texas

I just really need a hug and a shower beer

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(937): View more from Ohio

I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.

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(703): View more from Virginia

After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.

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(310): View more from California

The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.

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(410): View more from Maryland

It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.

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(817): View more from Texas

Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.

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(818): View more from California

My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.

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(519): View more from Ontario

He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint

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(569): View more from

we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh

(784): View more from St. Vincent/Grenadines

it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.

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(925): View more from California

You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.

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(949): View more from California

I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval

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(813): View more from Florida

Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.

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(850): View more from Florida

I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.

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(509): View more from Washington

Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...

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(406): View more from Montana

Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.

(901): View more from Tennessee

I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.

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(831): View more from California

to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal

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(716): View more from New York

the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?

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(772): View more from Florida

She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.

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(716): View more from New York

I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.

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(207): View more from Maine

I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit

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(706): View more from Georgia

My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.

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(845): View more from New York

I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people

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(727): View more from Florida

She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.

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(801): View more from Utah

Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?

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(573): View more from Missouri

I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.

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(773): View more from Illinois

He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.

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(631): View more from New York

Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.

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(740): View more from Ohio

There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.

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(817): View more from Texas

I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care

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(314): View more from Missouri

Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god

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(813): View more from Florida

I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass

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(720): View more from Colorado

We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.

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(309): View more from Illinois

But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

Not the worst first impression I've experienced.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.

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(801): View more from Utah

He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out

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(937): View more from Ohio

pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.

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(314): View more from Missouri

We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake

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(425): View more from Washington

I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me

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(989): View more from Michigan

If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.

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(513): View more from Ohio

It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up

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(502): View more from Kentucky

So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.

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(417): View more from Missouri

After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.

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(347): View more from New York

i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled

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(954): View more from Florida

When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.

(1-954): View more from Florida

RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND

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(775): View more from Nevada

This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.

(1-775): View more from Nevada

Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.

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(530): View more from California

Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.

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(323): View more from California

Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah

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(864): View more from South Carolina

turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy

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(805): View more from California

singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful

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(585): View more from New York

My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on

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(727): View more from Florida

No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".

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(519): View more from Ontario

Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.

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(716): View more from New York

i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks

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(281): View more from Texas

okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.

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(443): View more from Maryland

We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over

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(269): View more from Michigan

all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird

(269): View more from Michigan

OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO

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(365): View more from

James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.

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(281): View more from Texas

JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US

(281): View more from Texas

WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW

(281): View more from Texas

THE REISLING ATRACEX US

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(913): View more from Kansas

I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka

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(661): View more from California

The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.

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(240): View more from Maryland

All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning

(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk

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(831): View more from California

Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?

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(530): View more from California

I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will

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(707): View more from California

Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.

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(585): View more from New York

He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.

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(631): View more from New York

I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.

(631): View more from New York

Cruelly.

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(360): View more from Washington

It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."

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(914): View more from New York

woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again

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(480): View more from Arizona

A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.

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(207): View more from Maine

She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks

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(586): View more from Michigan

he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.

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(540): View more from Virginia

i really wish james franco would like my vagina

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.

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(773): View more from Illinois

well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.

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(360): View more from Washington

I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...

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(760): View more from California

My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?

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(515): View more from Iowa

I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me

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(778): View more from British Columbia

he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year

(604): View more from British Columbia

wow. THAT good huh

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(817): View more from Texas

Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze

(713): View more from Texas

My liver has a boner

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Tiny.

(402): View more from Nebraska

I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.

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(618): View more from Illinois

She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now

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(785): View more from Kansas

Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."

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(410): View more from Maryland

Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.

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(334): View more from Alabama

She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper

(205): View more from Alabama

Restraining order pending?

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(317): View more from Indiana

It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.

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(817): View more from Texas

Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.

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(352): View more from Florida

Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver

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(908): View more from New Jersey

And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?

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(517): View more from Michigan

Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.

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(408): View more from California

In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals

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(334): View more from Alabama

Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?

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(563): View more from Iowa

My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.

(1-563): View more from Iowa

I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read

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(860): View more from Connecticut

people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids

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(519): View more from Ontario

I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG

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(514): View more from Quebec

I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.

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(760): View more from California

I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart

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(585): View more from New York

just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use

(716): View more from New York

how?

(585): View more from New York

not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.

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(626): View more from California

My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.

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(630): View more from Illinois

He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.

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(406): View more from Montana

I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock

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(970): View more from Colorado

From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...

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(716): View more from New York

I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.

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(559): View more from California

Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We don't really communicate like that.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Communicate like what?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.

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(512): View more from Texas

She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.

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(707): View more from California

I wish your snatch was here

(443): View more from Maryland

If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM

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(201): View more from New Jersey

we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden

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(303): View more from Colorado

Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I'm romantic.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness

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(317): View more from Indiana

Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Wait does semen show up on blood tests?

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(847): View more from Illinois

Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.

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(314): View more from Missouri

How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.

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(613): View more from Ontario

She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!

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(518): View more from New York

Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future

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(620): View more from Kansas

We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.

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(845): View more from New York

i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me

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(312): View more from Illinois

I cannot FaceTime with your penis

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

You have found the Promised Land of friend zones

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(540): View more from Virginia

Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.

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(703): View more from Virginia

The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am

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(678): View more from Georgia

ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.

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(845): View more from New York

I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30

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(563): View more from Iowa

Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question

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(813): View more from Florida

Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.

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(585): View more from New York

Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.

(1-585): View more from New York

How high are you?

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex

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(505): View more from New Mexico

on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens

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(914): View more from New York

Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant

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(678): View more from Georgia

It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.

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(334): View more from Alabama

What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub

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(765): View more from Indiana

Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep

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(678): View more from Georgia

It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings

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(970): View more from Colorado

I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.

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(801): View more from Utah

How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?

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(573): View more from Missouri

Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it

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(248): View more from Michigan

We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.

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(631): View more from New York

The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.

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(425): View more from Washington

Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants

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(406): View more from Montana

Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?

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(571): View more from Virginia

So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.

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(427): View more from

Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.

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(817): View more from Texas

And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword

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(320): View more from Minnesota

Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.

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(512): View more from Texas

I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"

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(440): View more from Ohio

Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

he has this weird thing where he watches me pee

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.

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(917): View more from New York City

You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.

(203): View more from Connecticut

That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?

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(303): View more from Colorado

You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...

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(301): View more from Maryland

He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.

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(650): View more from California

Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.

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(360): View more from Washington

You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.

(1-360): View more from Washington

I'm puking in a turkey pan....

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(250): View more from British Columbia

IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.

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(330): View more from Ohio

If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent

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(330): View more from Ohio

I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.

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(410): View more from Maryland

IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS

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(315): View more from New York

she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot

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(253): View more from Washington

Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man

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(219): View more from Indiana

You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you

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(616): View more from Michigan

I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears

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(913): View more from Kansas

Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.

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(585): View more from New York

It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid

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(845): View more from New York

just woke up under a car ? That's odd

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Holy fucking shit

(845): View more from New York

WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

Are you really alive right now?

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon

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(765): View more from Indiana

Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.

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(281): View more from Texas

She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

...

(281): View more from Texas

Exactly.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that

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(301): View more from Maryland

The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...

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(847): View more from Illinois

He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.

(312): View more from Illinois

So... He's a barber?

(847): View more from Illinois

No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?

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(312): View more from Illinois

My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.

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(217): View more from Illinois

The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..

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(773): View more from Illinois

You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.

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(409): View more from Texas

Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony

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(281): View more from Texas

No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower

(1-281): View more from Texas

This could be the definition of living by yourself

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...

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(387): View more from

The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?

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(361): View more from Texas

do you know where my other puke covered boot is

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(713): View more from Texas

Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

This is why Helen Keller didn't drink

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!

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(616): View more from Michigan

I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles

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(909): View more from California

Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"

(951): View more from California

That's just where I'm at in my life.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

did i really sing to your nipples last night?

(731): View more from Tennessee

yes. and it was oddly very seductive

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(614): View more from Ohio

her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"

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(954): View more from Florida

I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.

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(313): View more from Michigan

he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"

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(513): View more from Ohio

I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"

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(805): View more from California

Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns

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(419): View more from Ohio

She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?

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(914): View more from New York

Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour

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(434): View more from Virginia

Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed

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(480): View more from Arizona

We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."

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(207): View more from Maine

cocks speak louder than words, as they say

(914): View more from New York

Nobody says that.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...

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(416): View more from Toronto

BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents

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(330): View more from Ohio

Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?

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(647): View more from Ontario

Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"

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(612): View more from Minnesota

we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics

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(540): View more from Virginia

I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.

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(707): View more from California

Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.

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(989): View more from Michigan

It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.

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(512): View more from Texas

Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!

(1-512): View more from Texas

Did she say Ok?

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(541): View more from Oregon

Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.

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(850): View more from Florida

She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING

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(434): View more from Virginia

He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.

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(646): View more from New York

If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I learned so much about myself in that shower.

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(801): View more from Utah

Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.

(801): View more from Utah

International sake day = success

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(819): View more from Quebec

I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.

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(515): View more from Iowa

He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Why do you think she gets more guys?

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that

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(304): View more from West Virginia

The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them

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(201): View more from New Jersey

So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers

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(+61): View more from Australia

only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.

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(805): View more from California

You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.

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(+49): View more from Germany

I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!

(303): View more from Colorado

It's a Tuesday.

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(407): View more from Florida

You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.

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(909): View more from California

Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.

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(303): View more from Colorado

My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?

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(571): View more from Virginia

Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...

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(404): View more from Georgia

I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.

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(361): View more from Texas

Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.

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(210): View more from Texas

I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".

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(330): View more from Ohio

Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.

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