Texts From Last Night · jlburke3's Favorites

jlburke3's Favorites Texts:

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(406): View more from Montana

As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.

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(937): View more from Ohio

i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club

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(410): View more from Maryland

I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up

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(845): View more from New York

So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing

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(661): View more from California

I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.

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(734): View more from Michigan

you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.

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(314): View more from Missouri

What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion

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(252): View more from North Carolina

just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.

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(970): View more from Colorado

At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.

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(847): View more from Illinois

just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far

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(650): View more from California

OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop

(213): View more from California

so that means christmas in space?

(781): View more from Massachusetts

imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi

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(505): View more from New Mexico

i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you

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(518): View more from New York

Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant

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(661): View more from California

He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Little spoons don't ask big questions

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(310): View more from California

i was born a porn star she said

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(703): View more from Virginia

Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!

(508): View more from Massachusetts

because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?

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(479): View more from Arkansas

the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"

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(719): View more from Colorado

No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war

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(+30): View more from

Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi

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(815): View more from Illinois

Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.

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(616): View more from Michigan

when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.

(248): View more from Michigan

who is this?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old

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(614): View more from Ohio

im so drunk with asians

(1-614): View more from Ohio

where?

(614): View more from Ohio

always

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(512): View more from Texas

She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."

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(319): View more from Iowa

The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue

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(618): View more from Illinois

bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented

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(607): View more from New York

I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck

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(248): View more from Michigan

I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop

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(303): View more from Colorado

Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(352): View more from Florida

My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.

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(513): View more from Ohio

If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would

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(312): View more from Illinois

You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.

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(661): View more from California

I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me

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(310): View more from California

You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.

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(217): View more from Illinois

he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids

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(860): View more from Connecticut

That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog

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(904): View more from Florida

my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.

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(253): View more from Washington

You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".

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(808): View more from Hawaii

you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe

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(415): View more from California

You kept trying to hail an ambulance

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(850): View more from Florida

I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok

(850): View more from Florida

They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good

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(224): View more from Illinois

She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1

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(248): View more from Michigan

are you still at the devil's house?

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(214): View more from Texas

I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot

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(810): View more from Michigan

Adam has been drinking

(1-810): View more from Michigan

Who has his phone

(810): View more from Michigan

Adam does

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(859): View more from Kentucky

While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.

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(805): View more from California

before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'

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(704): View more from North Carolina

i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.

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(917): View more from New York City

My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard

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(641): View more from Iowa

I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high

(954): View more from Florida

Yeah, I don't like babies at all

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(+06): View more from

We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.

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(443): View more from Maryland

He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo

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(210): View more from Texas

I molested 6 butterflies tonight

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Operation Purity has been aborted

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(619): View more from California

its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat

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(209): View more from California

what is college for if not random hookup sex?

(951): View more from California

learning.

(209): View more from California

i would literally fuck learning if i could.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.

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(239): View more from Florida

While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(804): View more from Virginia

i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song

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(818): View more from California

my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.

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(310): View more from California

it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.

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(407): View more from Florida

Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.

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(941): View more from Florida

She is totally STD

(941): View more from Florida

Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD

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(561): View more from Florida

You drink too much

(1-561): View more from Florida

No, I drink just the right amount - too often.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me

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(407): View more from Florida

I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."

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(954): View more from Florida

I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.

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(720): View more from Colorado

just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.

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(571): View more from Virginia

final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself

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(+02): View more from

Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies

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(816): View more from Missouri

Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it

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(203): View more from Connecticut

you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

(508): View more from Massachusetts

what was i wearing?

(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing

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(816): View more from Missouri

if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark

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(303): View more from Colorado

hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"

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(720): View more from Colorado

haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"

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(304): View more from West Virginia

you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life

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(505): View more from New Mexico

And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.

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(503): View more from Oregon

The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"

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(815): View more from Illinois

Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams

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(631): View more from New York

ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages

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(515): View more from Iowa

the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Dude you has no fucking this poptart

(719): View more from Colorado

What?

(843): View more from South Carolina

I dont know to explain this.

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(256): View more from Alabama

you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

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(315): View more from New York

He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril

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(801): View more from Utah

He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".

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(323): View more from California

rhymes with "ouble enetration"

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(612): View more from Minnesota

the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."

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(619): View more from California

She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something

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(858): View more from California

I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

i want to fuck

(320): View more from Minnesota

?

(701): View more from North Dakota

it's pretty self explanatory

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(410): View more from Maryland

There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.

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(514): View more from Quebec

you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes

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(908): View more from New Jersey

If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."

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(816): View more from Missouri

I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.

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(443): View more from Maryland

her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"

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(703): View more from Virginia

We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.

(540): View more from Virginia

You guys make me sad

(703): View more from Virginia

You misspelled jealous there

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(705): View more from Ontario

And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".

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(812): View more from Indiana

You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party

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(307): View more from Wyoming

burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef

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(410): View more from Maryland

I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.

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(573): View more from Missouri

A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.

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(941): View more from Florida

thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love

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(219): View more from Indiana

I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.

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(518): View more from New York

for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt

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(269): View more from Michigan

I wanna bring you to show and tell

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse

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(289): View more from Ontario

She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...

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(714): View more from California

they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.

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(845): View more from New York

i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart

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(972): View more from Texas

some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night

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(843): View more from South Carolina

you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever

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(732): View more from New Jersey

and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.

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(702): View more from Nevada

yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.

(703): View more from Virginia

mine is 'the'.

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(574): View more from Indiana

my professor just said "the power of the situation"

(216): View more from Ohio

drink

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(630): View more from Illinois

i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people

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(808): View more from Hawaii

dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd

(1-808): View more from Hawaii

lock that shit down

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(303): View more from Colorado

Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.

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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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(315): View more from New York

We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.

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(305): View more from Florida

After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.

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(305): View more from Florida

Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.

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(607): View more from New York

Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

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(806): View more from Texas

All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night

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(415): View more from California

i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap

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(207): View more from Maine

things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.

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(217): View more from Illinois

you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012

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(310): View more from California

Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.

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(845): View more from New York

just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray

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(720): View more from Colorado

i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?

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(407): View more from Florida

i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...

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(360): View more from Washington

two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?

(206): View more from Washington

only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK

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(404): View more from Georgia

What are you wearing to our high school reunion?

(678): View more from Georgia

I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"

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(310): View more from California

now i know why i became what i already was.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Everybody was literally kung fu fighting

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(651): View more from Minnesota

It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.

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(936): View more from Texas

what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?

(636): View more from Missouri

anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence

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(650): View more from California

i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

bl l w

(201): View more from New Jersey

this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.

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(407): View more from Florida

You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly

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(931): View more from Tennessee

drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.

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(509): View more from Washington

Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though

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(313): View more from Michigan

And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono

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(410): View more from Maryland

it was a mass text i'm sorry

(603): View more from New Hampshire

do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?

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(909): View more from California

The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.

(1-909): View more from California

3?

(909): View more from California

Me, myself and I

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(703): View more from Virginia

If i come over, it means nothing

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(760): View more from California

I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"

(760): View more from California

When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."

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(703): View more from Virginia

fucking a dude

(703): View more from Virginia

i mean: fucking a, dude

(703): View more from Virginia

wow, that comma made all the difference there

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(310): View more from California

She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I cont stop tolking in a british axsent

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I just pynch a tree in the face

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(301): View more from Maryland

chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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(417): View more from Missouri

You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?

(573): View more from Missouri

You can't be serious.

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(713): View more from Texas

when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....

(1-630): View more from Illinois

which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!

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(408): View more from California

i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both

(650): View more from California

i think otters can do that

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(810): View more from Michigan

I'm laying in your front yard are you home

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(716): View more from New York

she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"

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(763): View more from Minnesota

The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

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(631): View more from New York

By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.

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(816): View more from Missouri

My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia

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(913): View more from Kansas

I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her

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(573): View more from Missouri

I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

super hot butfun

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll

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(816): View more from Missouri

In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance

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(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate

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(718): View more from New York

you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out

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(954): View more from Florida

He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent

(860): View more from Connecticut

fuckk wrong person

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

.. who was that for? a girlscout?

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(720): View more from Colorado

he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again

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(201): View more from New Jersey

It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car

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(516): View more from New York

check it out our google latitudes are spooning

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(419): View more from Ohio

i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike

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(970): View more from Colorado

Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand

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(337): View more from Louisiana

All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Don't worry. I has chaperone.

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(510): View more from California

you told grandpa to call you daddy

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(224): View more from Illinois

It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.

(217): View more from Illinois

Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.

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(917): View more from New York City

I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"

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(905): View more from Ontario

He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.

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(302): View more from Delaware

he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip

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(239): View more from Florida

I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.

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(631): View more from New York

So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"

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(301): View more from Maryland

If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?

(513): View more from Ohio

Get out now.

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(614): View more from Ohio

No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter

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(540): View more from Virginia

Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.

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(303): View more from Colorado

He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.

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(562): View more from California

In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...

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(819): View more from Quebec

I woke up to her vacumming the grass

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(770): View more from Georgia

The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding

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(314): View more from Missouri

My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker

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(806): View more from Texas

Two words Indian burn...

(1-806): View more from Texas

What did she think it was, a shake weight?

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(205): View more from Alabama

my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could

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(440): View more from Ohio

Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

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(807): View more from Ontario

I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

you don't.

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(716): View more from New York

You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70

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(208): View more from Idaho

aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't

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(516): View more from New York

if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine

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(913): View more from Kansas

I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."

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(515): View more from Iowa

On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

This gyro tastes like lonliness

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .

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(515): View more from Iowa

I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(541): View more from Oregon

Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.

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(404): View more from Georgia

hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday

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(480): View more from Arizona

Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.

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(818): View more from California

Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them

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(325): View more from Texas

I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.

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(216): View more from Ohio

She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened

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(810): View more from Michigan

Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

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(845): View more from New York

I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion

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(970): View more from Colorado

Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back

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(509): View more from Washington

The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.

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(708): View more from Illinois

sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed

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(251): View more from Alabama

As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i think i scared a bird with my dick

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(917): View more from New York City

she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in

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(573): View more from Missouri

Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.

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(904): View more from Florida

I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She just messaged me 19 sad faces.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest

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(310): View more from California

Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone

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(856): View more from New Jersey

She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace

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(541): View more from Oregon

Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.

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(319): View more from Iowa

he asked me to smell his eyeballs.

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(330): View more from Ohio

giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part

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(303): View more from Colorado

his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy

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(214): View more from Texas

herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.

(1-214): View more from Texas

ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...

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(562): View more from California

just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.

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(703): View more from Virginia

You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.

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(720): View more from Colorado

so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass

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(303): View more from Colorado

i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me

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(513): View more from Ohio

I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??

(713): View more from Texas

Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you

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(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"

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(708): View more from Illinois

I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza

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(949): View more from California

"it" just moved

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(650): View more from California

my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp

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(602): View more from Arizona

I wish they made sweatshirts for legs

(1-602): View more from Arizona

you mean pants?

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(314): View more from Missouri

he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

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(585): View more from New York

Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.

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(512): View more from Texas

He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy

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(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.

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(315): View more from New York

The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.

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(925): View more from California

Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.

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(760): View more from California

so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?

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(443): View more from Maryland

One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.

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(438): View more from Quebec

that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?

(917): View more from New York City

what kind of party is this?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

the best kind ever

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(860): View more from Connecticut

And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that

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(908): View more from New Jersey

when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

(713): View more from Texas

lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'

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(973): View more from New Jersey

He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors

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(305): View more from Florida

I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.

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(916): View more from California

She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad

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(908): View more from New Jersey

and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.

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(812): View more from Indiana

We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.

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(905): View more from Ontario

i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night

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(402): View more from Nebraska

consequently i now know what mace tastes like

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(803): View more from South Carolina

we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?

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(419): View more from Ohio

we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.

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(317): View more from Indiana

and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way

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(585): View more from New York

you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.

(260): View more from Indiana

He probs deserved it.

(317): View more from Indiana

Every good man does.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party

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(813): View more from Florida

We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"

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(943): View more from

You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.

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(636): View more from Missouri

you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.

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(408): View more from California

worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum

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(614): View more from Ohio

Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"

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(973): View more from New Jersey

so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement

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(704): View more from North Carolina

We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?

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(205): View more from Alabama

Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation

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(519): View more from Ontario

So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.

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(760): View more from California

For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".

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(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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(310): View more from California

as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'

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(212): View more from New York

yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"

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(925): View more from California

While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".

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(760): View more from California

so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.

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(616): View more from Michigan

This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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(847): View more from Illinois

Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together

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(225): View more from Louisiana

ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today

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(416): View more from Toronto

that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.

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(805): View more from California

do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?

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(415): View more from California

If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.

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(928): View more from Arizona

She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.

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(425): View more from Washington

It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

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(+61): View more from Australia

I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Heybabeimwearingurpanties

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(937): View more from Ohio

they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend

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(404): View more from Georgia

Ben's a prick.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

What Ben are you talking about?

(404): View more from Georgia

All the bens across all the lands

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?

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(309): View more from Illinois

Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile

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(702): View more from Nevada

I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me

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(368): View more from

you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline

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(708): View more from Illinois

Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?

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(513): View more from Ohio

i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone

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(862): View more from New Jersey

The worlds most fuckable chipmunk

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(847): View more from Illinois

hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??

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(630): View more from Illinois

there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed

(787): View more from Puerto Rico

you smoke with your eyes?

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(334): View more from Alabama

I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.

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(410): View more from Maryland

:)

(443): View more from Maryland

Wipe that smile off your face.

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(954): View more from Florida

i just sent this text using only my big toe

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(631): View more from New York

Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how

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(913): View more from Kansas

id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"

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(573): View more from Missouri

I can tuck mytits in my pants

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(817): View more from Texas

You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(571): View more from Virginia

You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?

(703): View more from Virginia

I don't even know what potassium is.

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(217): View more from Illinois

you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

it was like fucking gandolphs beard

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(830): View more from Texas

You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(916): View more from California

I hate ducks.

(916): View more from California

What?

(916): View more from California

they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.

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(407): View more from Florida

If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.

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(810): View more from Michigan

When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

that probably didn't help your case.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I thidmdmk you'gre a special person

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(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

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(703): View more from Virginia

swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

(202): View more from Washington, DC

buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Damn. That makes sense

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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(770): View more from Georgia

I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti

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(720): View more from Colorado

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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(320): View more from Minnesota

Good. You are like the clit whisperer.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(518): View more from New York

I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other

(413): View more from Massachusetts

and it's going to stay that way

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(856): View more from New Jersey

a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.

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(630): View more from Illinois

last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.

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(443): View more from Maryland

God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.

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(513): View more from Ohio

you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(858): View more from California

I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.

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(513): View more from Ohio

There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.

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(858): View more from California

you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"

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(540): View more from Virginia

birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex

(703): View more from Virginia

I'm on my period, period, period

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Well how do you think I feel

(860): View more from Connecticut

fair enough

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(708): View more from Illinois

she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.

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(660): View more from Missouri

dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome

(816): View more from Missouri

no its not leave

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(703): View more from Virginia

i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

(718): View more from New York

pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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(650): View more from California

some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!

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(303): View more from Colorado

I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This is sufficient.

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(516): View more from New York

doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.

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(817): View more from Texas

Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

(1-817): View more from Texas

You weighed it?

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(714): View more from California

Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me

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(251): View more from Alabama

Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"

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(925): View more from California

i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them

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(619): View more from California

i miss you so much

(858): View more from California

i miss you too

(858): View more from California

oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(949): View more from California

just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.

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(315): View more from New York

So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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(850): View more from Florida

the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...

(1-850): View more from Florida

that makes sense.

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(912): View more from Georgia

just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart

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(954): View more from Florida

I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.

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(515): View more from Iowa

So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.

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(310): View more from California

...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.

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(407): View more from Florida

If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.

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(309): View more from Illinois

So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(419): View more from Ohio

dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

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(301): View more from Maryland

i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

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(443): View more from Maryland

We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....

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(315): View more from New York

I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"

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(303): View more from Colorado

i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(206): View more from Washington

We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(804): View more from Virginia

I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(301): View more from Maryland

Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(651): View more from Minnesota

nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent

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(518): View more from New York

Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence

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(905): View more from Toronto

In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience

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(707): View more from California

last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(586): View more from Michigan

I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"

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(630): View more from Illinois

We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

dude i feel like shit

(413): View more from Massachusetts

well u did eat a lot of play-doh

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(406): View more from Montana

my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute

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(219): View more from Indiana

I thought Christmas was going to come before I did

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(816): View more from Missouri

Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina

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(254): View more from Texas

you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

It was like doing yoga with his dick in me

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together

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(937): View more from Ohio

I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...

(1-937): View more from Ohio

I see you've learned your lesson.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating

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(708): View more from Illinois

The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking

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(850): View more from Florida

The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.

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(416): View more from Ontario

Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.

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(703): View more from Virginia

okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?

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(914): View more from New York

we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.

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(416): View more from Ontario

don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends

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(740): View more from Ohio

I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD

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(443): View more from Maryland

You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.

(571): View more from Virginia

was that a mass text??

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(217): View more from Illinois

just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?

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(408): View more from California

I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass

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(519): View more from Ontario

Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.

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(317): View more from Indiana

fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night

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(805): View more from California

woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."

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(702): View more from Nevada

I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.

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(310): View more from California

When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth

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(912): View more from Georgia

There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.

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(619): View more from California

you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one

(609): View more from New Jersey

ravioli

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night

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(903): View more from Texas

pop tarts are not kleenex

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(765): View more from Indiana

I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.

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(678): View more from Georgia

If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over

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(818): View more from California

you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.

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(360): View more from Washington

He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees

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(440): View more from Ohio

sarcasm needs its own font

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(571): View more from Virginia

i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days

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(231): View more from Michigan

I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.

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(916): View more from California

He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high

(808): View more from Hawaii

worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

nevermind....I'm on the way

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(317): View more from Indiana

He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave

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(540): View more from Virginia

I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.

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(804): View more from Virginia

you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."

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(347): View more from New York

I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN

(347): View more from New York

I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN

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(636): View more from Missouri

Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

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(914): View more from New York

you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(613): View more from Ontario

I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.

(1-541): View more from Oregon

Happy Birthday

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(239): View more from Florida

they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application

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(518): View more from New York

are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.

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(510): View more from California

well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.

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(541): View more from Oregon

he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.

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(661): View more from California

i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..

(951): View more from California

u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!

(661): View more from California

i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u

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(614): View more from Ohio

Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....

(614): View more from Ohio

We've got ourselves a situation

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(847): View more from Illinois

i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"

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(716): View more from New York

fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans

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(813): View more from Florida

The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"

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(613): View more from Ontario

my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy

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(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

my vagina's been through so much this weekend

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible

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(630): View more from Illinois

he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage

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(917): View more from New York City

It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?

(954): View more from Florida

Why wouldn't there be.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap

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(312): View more from Illinois

i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it

(917): View more from New York City

the suitcase or the dildo?

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(504): View more from Louisiana

there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now

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(207): View more from Maine

I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well

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(407): View more from Florida

just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back

(914): View more from New York

that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart

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(209): View more from California

I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.

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(775): View more from Nevada

hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class

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(516): View more from New York

I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.

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(607): View more from New York

you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal

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(253): View more from Washington

Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.

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(251): View more from Alabama

I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.

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(815): View more from Illinois

He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?

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(678): View more from Georgia

did u really fuck my little sister???

(706): View more from Georgia

im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on

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(310): View more from California

but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.

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(702): View more from Nevada

When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

I've always been the spiritual type.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me

(847): View more from Illinois

No promises.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.

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(208): View more from Idaho

dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here

(1-208): View more from Idaho

what the hell does that mean?

(208): View more from Idaho

nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages

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(914): View more from New York

you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write

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(701): View more from North Dakota

The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.

(406): View more from Montana

And we all know God doesn't like sinners.

(701): View more from North Dakota

Amen.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.

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(410): View more from Maryland

We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

I hope you meant gum...

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Drinking in an igloo changes everything.

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(773): View more from Illinois

You're such a slut.

(318): View more from Louisiana

I prefer opportunist.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins

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(618): View more from Illinois

remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back

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(516): View more from New York

watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

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(907): View more from Alaska

the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops

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(903): View more from Texas

Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Me specifically?

(903): View more from Texas

Yep.

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(661): View more from California

No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer

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(862): View more from New Jersey

dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf

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(225): View more from Louisiana

wtf

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?

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(631): View more from New York

so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.

(631): View more from New York

what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK

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(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers

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(720): View more from Colorado

When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy

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(614): View more from Ohio

i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone

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(856): View more from New Jersey

He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?

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(406): View more from Montana

i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal

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(309): View more from Illinois

My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?

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(614): View more from Ohio

Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out

(574): View more from Indiana

You never cease to amaze me.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy

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(631): View more from New York

Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.

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(303): View more from Colorado

i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.

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(815): View more from Illinois

if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.

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(224): View more from Illinois

finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.

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(330): View more from Ohio

he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.

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(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.

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(713): View more from Texas

woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(425): View more from Washington

im bored tell me something entertaining

(206): View more from Washington

You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life

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(516): View more from New York

Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.

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(585): View more from New York

My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.

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(925): View more from California

I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.

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(406): View more from Montana

As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?

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(949): View more from California

she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."

(949): View more from California

little did she know i was taping her the whole time.

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(805): View more from California

You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

6 min

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(718): View more from New York

I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.

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(315): View more from New York

well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her

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(269): View more from Michigan

Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".

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(970): View more from Colorado

The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero

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(516): View more from New York

im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen

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(607): View more from New York

You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

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(732): View more from New Jersey

he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.

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(847): View more from Illinois

so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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(704): View more from North Carolina

you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.

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(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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(954): View more from Florida

woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student

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(601): View more from Mississippi

having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things

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(904): View more from Florida

the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants

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(613): View more from Ontario

My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian

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(647): View more from Ontario

Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

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