Texts From Last Night · NataSept's Favorites

NataSept's Favorites Texts:

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(847): View more from Illinois

I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE

(1-847): View more from Illinois

This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.

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(912): View more from Georgia

She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's

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(970): View more from Colorado

She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"

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(805): View more from California

You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.

(1-805): View more from California

watch me

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(772): View more from Florida

Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..

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(812): View more from Indiana

theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.

Fav 11 4043 1002
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(409): View more from Texas

Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.

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(510): View more from California

listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...

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(734): View more from Michigan

We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.

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(818): View more from California

I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.

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(317): View more from Indiana

He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

(1-317): View more from Indiana

He's the fucking cop whisperer.

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(561): View more from Florida

I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.

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(240): View more from Maryland

i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'

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(517): View more from Michigan

Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.

Fav 12 3813 1270
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(905): View more from Ontario

Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.

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(514): View more from Quebec

We had to coat check the pizza.

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(310): View more from California

so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.

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(818): View more from California

The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess

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(301): View more from Maryland

it's like iHOP with fire

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.

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(440): View more from Ohio

By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.

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(650): View more from California

It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.

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(773): View more from Illinois

You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan

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(+61): View more from Australia

Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.

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(813): View more from Florida

I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.

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(503): View more from Oregon

i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl

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(519): View more from Ontario

Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order

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(216): View more from Ohio

Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."

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(443): View more from Maryland

Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon

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(410): View more from Maryland

I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom

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(630): View more from Illinois

Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.

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(802): View more from Vermont

elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(760): View more from California

Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.

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(520): View more from Arizona

please come you make the beer taste better

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(678): View more from Georgia

Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..

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(573): View more from Missouri

Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday

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(303): View more from Colorado

A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed

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(602): View more from Arizona

I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.

(623): View more from Arizona

Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.

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(721): View more from

That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.

(703): View more from Virginia

omg, i know.

(721): View more from

we're too high.

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(240): View more from Maryland

ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.

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(614): View more from Ohio

good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.

(740): View more from Ohio

i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.

(1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

This is why we're friends.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

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(847): View more from Illinois

All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I am in a vortex of obligation.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?

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(520): View more from Arizona

The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.

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(845): View more from New York

Because ur a stupid bitch

(1-845): View more from New York

Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

You should've just screamed yes we can!

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey

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(409): View more from Texas

I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong

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(301): View more from Maryland

I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home

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(847): View more from Illinois

I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.

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(903): View more from Texas

I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on

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(708): View more from Illinois

I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.

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(317): View more from Indiana

All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.

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(289): View more from Ontario

Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.

(661): View more from California

Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.

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(425): View more from Washington

ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.

(206): View more from Washington

High?

(425): View more from Washington

hahahahaha turkey breast

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth

(508): View more from Massachusetts

so he'll probably take me somewhere nice

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic

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(859): View more from Kentucky

i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey

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(786): View more from Florida

HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness

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(605): View more from South Dakota

just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?

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(605): View more from South Dakota

and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.

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(513): View more from Ohio

He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.

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(316): View more from Kansas

How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.

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(607): View more from New York

flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final

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(620): View more from Kansas

Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.

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(706): View more from Georgia

well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.

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(585): View more from New York

we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist

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(541): View more from Oregon

You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth

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(760): View more from California

My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?

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(425): View more from Washington

This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.

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(970): View more from Colorado

so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car

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(248): View more from Michigan

I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.

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(586): View more from Michigan

The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.

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(416): View more from Toronto

He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.

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(917): View more from New York City

My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard

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(407): View more from Florida

I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"

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(325): View more from Texas

Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level

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(862): View more from New Jersey

It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.

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(408): View more from California

he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."

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(240): View more from Maryland

and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.

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(541): View more from Oregon

just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..

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(773): View more from Illinois

At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me

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(210): View more from Texas

The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.

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(845): View more from New York

Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"

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(850): View more from Florida

why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?

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(806): View more from Texas

I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.

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(818): View more from California

The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on

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(309): View more from Illinois

with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.

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(916): View more from California

craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.

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(425): View more from Washington

In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter

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(845): View more from New York

I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting

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(519): View more from Ontario

He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?

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(801): View more from Utah

Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas

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(757): View more from Virginia

It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"

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(720): View more from Colorado

I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis

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(360): View more from Washington

Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.

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(310): View more from California

Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?

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(541): View more from Oregon

Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.

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(305): View more from Florida

she said she was living bicuriously through me.

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(816): View more from Missouri

and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall

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(562): View more from California

Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas

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(251): View more from Alabama

I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party

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(314): View more from Missouri

In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.

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(970): View more from Colorado

We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.

(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, its January.

(970): View more from Colorado

We're going to do the voices too.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon

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(518): View more from New York

i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend

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(512): View more from Texas

We need to rekindle our bromance

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave

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(206): View more from Washington

This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.

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(404): View more from Georgia

think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...

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(303): View more from Colorado

Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo

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(804): View more from Virginia

At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.

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(443): View more from Maryland

she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis

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(703): View more from Virginia

To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."

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(480): View more from Arizona

It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.

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(319): View more from Iowa

My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.

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(618): View more from Illinois

You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.

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(785): View more from Kansas

She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...

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(913): View more from Kansas

you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight

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(703): View more from Virginia

Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.

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(614): View more from Ohio

She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that

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(646): View more from New York

It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.

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(510): View more from California

i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.

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(530): View more from California

smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers

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(716): View more from New York

I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.

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(646): View more from New York

party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Call meee

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...

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(516): View more from New York

He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono

(973): View more from New Jersey

How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?

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(214): View more from Texas

i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"

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(616): View more from Michigan

I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.

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(518): View more from New York

you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was

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(937): View more from Ohio

my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.

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(216): View more from Ohio

normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter

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(316): View more from Kansas

I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.

(1-316): View more from Kansas

That's how you know you deserve to be a senior

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(937): View more from Ohio

All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely

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(647): View more from Ontario

I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night

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(214): View more from Texas

No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.

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(419): View more from Ohio

is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go

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(425): View more from Washington

Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming

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(361): View more from Texas

Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.

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(619): View more from California

So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.

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(970): View more from Colorado

There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.

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(562): View more from California

It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.

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(913): View more from Kansas

We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?

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(228): View more from Mississippi

I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"

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(256): View more from Alabama

I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.

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(850): View more from Florida

Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye

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(732): View more from New Jersey

That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.

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(716): View more from New York

I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.

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(442): View more from California

her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.

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(330): View more from Ohio

the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice

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(719): View more from Colorado

On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.

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(630): View more from Illinois

btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts

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(705): View more from Ontario

I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.

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(419): View more from Ohio

A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.

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(702): View more from Nevada

we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.

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(716): View more from New York

the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..

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(914): View more from New York

She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.

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(330): View more from Ohio

The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.

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(561): View more from Florida

She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'

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(941): View more from Florida

thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight

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(970): View more from Colorado

If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.

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(812): View more from Indiana

She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.

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(260): View more from Indiana

How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?

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(301): View more from Maryland

You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.

(240): View more from Maryland

Why does tequilla always make you text me?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?

(516): View more from New York

one can only hope.

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(216): View more from Ohio

guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight

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(480): View more from Arizona

im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.

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(276): View more from Virginia

Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.

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(770): View more from Georgia

There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.

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(478): View more from Georgia

We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.

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(619): View more from California

My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.

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(443): View more from Maryland

WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that

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(517): View more from Michigan

He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine

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(705): View more from Ontario

The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...

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(631): View more from New York

I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?

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(209): View more from California

There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.

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(407): View more from Florida

He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.

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(469): View more from Texas

In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club

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(510): View more from California

Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.

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(607): View more from New York

She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.

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(240): View more from Maryland

We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS

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(402): View more from Nebraska

She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.

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(516): View more from New York

Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom

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(443): View more from Maryland

the ceiling is raining jello shotss

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.

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(845): View more from New York

So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing

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(210): View more from Texas

Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl

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(313): View more from Michigan

I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.

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(805): View more from California

I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.

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(815): View more from Illinois

i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer

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(315): View more from New York

I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.

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(513): View more from Ohio

New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me

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(773): View more from Illinois

Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.

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(440): View more from Ohio

the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat

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(407): View more from Florida

HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN

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(805): View more from California

IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!

(818): View more from California

A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?

(805): View more from California

CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT

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(706): View more from Georgia

Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".

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(518): View more from New York

and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis

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(704): View more from North Carolina

CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..

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(310): View more from California

He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday

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(206): View more from Washington

someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here

(601): View more from Mississippi

on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends

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(248): View more from Michigan

How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.

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(207): View more from Maine

He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.

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(914): View more from New York

all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is

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(865): View more from Tennessee

It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about

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(661): View more from California

Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.

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(248): View more from Michigan

i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech

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(936): View more from Texas

Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.

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(516): View more from New York

id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though

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(912): View more from Georgia

I swear god or herbie drove my car home

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.

(504): View more from Louisiana

Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER

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(253): View more from Washington

I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer

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(650): View more from California

Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.

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(503): View more from Oregon

today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I think my vagina is haunted

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(713): View more from Texas

This dude is being a total douche

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps

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(650): View more from California

Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..

(1-650): View more from California

You've kissed worse.

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(705): View more from Ontario

never. drinking. again.

(1-705): View more from Ontario

lets not get ahead of ourselves.

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(239): View more from Florida

No I am not eating basil off your cock

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(216): View more from Ohio

you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission

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(559): View more from California

The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back

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(541): View more from Oregon

mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.

(925): View more from California

"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.

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(512): View more from Texas

Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

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(210): View more from Texas

I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.

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(727): View more from Florida

My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.

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(207): View more from Maine

He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.

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(720): View more from Colorado

These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.

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(913): View more from Kansas

The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.

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(406): View more from Montana

To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve

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(316): View more from Kansas

The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.

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(813): View more from Florida

If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

porn star boner night. come get it.

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(518): View more from New York

i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."

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(571): View more from Virginia

Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar

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(732): View more from New Jersey

His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'

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(785): View more from Kansas

In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.

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(626): View more from California

This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.

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(636): View more from Missouri

hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?

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(+79): View more from

Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight

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(309): View more from Illinois

I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence

(415): View more from California

shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring

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(404): View more from Georgia

We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.

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(980): View more from North Carolina

when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.

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(925): View more from California

if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars

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(708): View more from Illinois

I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.

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(207): View more from Maine

A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.

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(913): View more from Kansas

He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.

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(518): View more from New York

I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.

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(256): View more from Alabama

No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far

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(260): View more from Indiana

I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.

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(415): View more from California

Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.

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(248): View more from Michigan

He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.

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(806): View more from Texas

You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.

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(813): View more from Florida

Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.

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(812): View more from Indiana

there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.

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(714): View more from California

I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going

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(415): View more from California

Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up

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(816): View more from Missouri

At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.

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(716): View more from New York

If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.

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(757): View more from Virginia

It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on

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(703): View more from Virginia

i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.

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(415): View more from California

Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted

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(708): View more from Illinois

He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.

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(971): View more from Oregon

I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.

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(419): View more from Ohio

mustard is like jesus in yellow tights

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(253): View more from Washington

Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.

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(757): View more from Virginia

i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward

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(251): View more from Alabama

you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

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(718): View more from New York

I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"

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(352): View more from Florida

You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.

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(630): View more from Illinois

just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.

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(319): View more from Iowa

We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.

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(514): View more from Quebec

Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for

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(415): View more from California

It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.

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(817): View more from Texas

he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.

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(813): View more from Florida

I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.

(407): View more from Florida

i think you have the wrong number

(813): View more from Florida

so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".

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(302): View more from Delaware

I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget

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(415): View more from California

sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.

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(515): View more from Iowa

the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.

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(804): View more from Virginia

He likes Jesus. Game over.

(804): View more from Virginia

Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky

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(972): View more from Texas

I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls

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(316): View more from Kansas

I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.

(1-316): View more from Kansas

Yeah I'm going to bathe him.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.

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(713): View more from Texas

She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.

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(516): View more from New York

That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.

(1-516): View more from New York

yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.

(516): View more from New York

Do you have to put it that way?

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(514): View more from Quebec

What happened to chicks over dicks?

(1-514): View more from Quebec

That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..

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(757): View more from Virginia

Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at

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(970): View more from Colorado

Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude

(1-970): View more from Colorado

You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?

(970): View more from Colorado

Shut the hell up.

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(510): View more from California

just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?

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(208): View more from Idaho

Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.

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(845): View more from New York

weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful

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(847): View more from Illinois

there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check

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(360): View more from Washington

I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night

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(636): View more from Missouri

the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"

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(631): View more from New York

She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.

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(727): View more from Florida

I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"

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(281): View more from Texas

My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.

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(206): View more from Washington

It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(305): View more from Florida

he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink

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(843): View more from South Carolina

throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

since when the fuck is that glamorous?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number

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(248): View more from Michigan

about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.

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(660): View more from Missouri

We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out

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(602): View more from Arizona

for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.

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(312): View more from Illinois

You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.

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(283): View more from Ohio

she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.

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(317): View more from Indiana

You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.

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(708): View more from Illinois

This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.

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(618): View more from Illinois

My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

Thanks dad.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.

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(360): View more from Washington

We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?

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(661): View more from California

I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me

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(707): View more from California

frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.

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(631): View more from New York

He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.

(205): View more from Alabama

I hate freshman.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.

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(917): View more from New York City

He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.

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(813): View more from Florida

If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure

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(773): View more from Illinois

I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

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(214): View more from Texas

That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.

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(443): View more from Maryland

He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.

(315): View more from New York

You would pick up a guy in AA.

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(516): View more from New York

There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face

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(302): View more from Delaware

in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am

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(443): View more from Maryland

they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them

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(614): View more from Ohio

Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.

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(917): View more from New York City

Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?

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(303): View more from Colorado

there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome

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(660): View more from Missouri

Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.

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(561): View more from Florida

he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.

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(406): View more from Montana

Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.

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(469): View more from Texas

I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.

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(631): View more from New York

lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon

(1-631): View more from New York

wow.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.

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(817): View more from Texas

Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Hm. I declare blue a flavor.

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(925): View more from California

"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.

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(518): View more from New York

Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis

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(313): View more from Michigan

We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?

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(703): View more from Virginia

i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!

(804): View more from Virginia

Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!

(703): View more from Virginia

well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.

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(678): View more from Georgia

apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.

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(206): View more from Washington

Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated

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(503): View more from Oregon

well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back

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(305): View more from Florida

It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING

(617): View more from Massachusetts

you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.

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(315): View more from New York

why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.

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(408): View more from California

im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.

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(503): View more from Oregon

There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?

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(631): View more from New York

You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.

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(734): View more from Michigan

i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.

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(360): View more from Washington

Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet

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(480): View more from Arizona

I think this baby is eyeing my beer

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(904): View more from Florida

Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.

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(661): View more from California

So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?

(818): View more from California

I hate you.

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(607): View more from New York

Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high

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(573): View more from Missouri

Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you

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(802): View more from Vermont

Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.

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(432): View more from Texas

Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments

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(307): View more from Wyoming

The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story

(307): View more from Wyoming

The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.

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(925): View more from California

I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't

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(226): View more from Ontario

This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon

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(919): View more from North Carolina

sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween

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(239): View more from Florida

I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..

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(503): View more from Oregon

I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"

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(574): View more from Indiana

how does Santa get into Hogwarts?

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.

(416): View more from Ontario

Apparently you chose the latter.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer

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(612): View more from Minnesota

no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.

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(530): View more from California

shit pants at work. discarded underwear.

(1-530): View more from California

just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?

(530): View more from California

yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser

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(518): View more from New York

September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.

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(435): View more from Utah

this will be a night to untag.

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(949): View more from California

Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

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(305): View more from Florida

I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?

(1-218): View more from Minnesota

Both?

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(513): View more from Ohio

wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

how could i say no?

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(585): View more from New York

The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.

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(404): View more from Georgia

My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".

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(616): View more from Michigan

the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.

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(913): View more from Kansas

high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?

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(916): View more from California

Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.

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(619): View more from California

Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich

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(217): View more from Illinois

her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...

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(404): View more from Georgia

And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.

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(305): View more from Florida

look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Dude you has no fucking this poptart

(719): View more from Colorado

What?

(843): View more from South Carolina

I dont know to explain this.

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(904): View more from Florida

Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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(217): View more from Illinois

The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard

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(772): View more from Florida

The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.

(376): View more from

you are insane

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all

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(740): View more from Ohio

There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"

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(330): View more from Ohio

Fuck 8am classes

(330): View more from Ohio

Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes

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(941): View more from Florida

CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?

(815): View more from Illinois

Quite the contrary. Sophistication.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Absence makes the cock grow harder.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.

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(256): View more from Alabama

i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

dude how high are you right now?

(256): View more from Alabama

do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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(513): View more from Ohio

both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage

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(678): View more from Georgia

Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?

(1-678): View more from Georgia

630.

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(301): View more from Maryland

they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.

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(207): View more from Maine

Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy

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(609): View more from New Jersey

No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.

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(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

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(248): View more from Michigan

your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.

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(352): View more from Florida

I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.

(352): View more from Florida

Just realized these events may be related.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Redeem this text for a blowjob

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(949): View more from California

if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous

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(619): View more from California

do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?

(805): View more from California

Don't drive home.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.

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(678): View more from Georgia

This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get

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(773): View more from Illinois

I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.

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(813): View more from Florida

She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.

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(614): View more from Ohio

My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex

(1-614): View more from Ohio

You and your mom would make an amazing tag team

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(425): View more from Washington

oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome

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(817): View more from Texas

Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

(1-817): View more from Texas

You weighed it?

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(541): View more from Oregon

at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking

(1-541): View more from Oregon

only in oregon

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(757): View more from Virginia

He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.

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(727): View more from Florida

writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.

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(303): View more from Colorado

i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell

(720): View more from Colorado

That's the classiest thing you've ever said.

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(480): View more from Arizona

so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic

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(985): View more from Louisiana

I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.

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(602): View more from Arizona

So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.

(480): View more from Arizona

so you punched his junk, right?

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(714): View more from California

Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.

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(305): View more from Florida

It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"

(1-440): View more from Ohio

Perfectly normal.

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(518): View more from New York

i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.

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(916): View more from California

Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.

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(765): View more from Indiana

he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".

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(334): View more from Alabama

This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.

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(416): View more from Ontario

So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef

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(304): View more from West Virginia

yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

This gyro tastes like lonliness

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.

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(210): View more from Texas

He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i have to get rid of the hedgehog.

(765): View more from Indiana

Does it come with a cage?

(201): View more from New Jersey

yes. and food and toys.

(765): View more from Indiana

i'll trade you an 8th for it

(201): View more from New Jersey

deal.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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(817): View more from Texas

They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.

(214): View more from Texas

Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.

(817): View more from Texas

You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.

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(310): View more from California

so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.

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(804): View more from Virginia

also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.

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(313): View more from Michigan

The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.

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(214): View more from Texas

There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.

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(602): View more from Arizona

69 |D_O

(1-602): View more from Arizona

wtf does that mean??

(602): View more from Arizona

it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"

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(337): View more from Louisiana

All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"

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(816): View more from Missouri

he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college

(973): View more from New Jersey

she has no idea

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(716): View more from New York

she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Fuck now we have to have sex

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

What?

(203): View more from Connecticut

In a bet, need to win

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(410): View more from Maryland

Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.

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(515): View more from Iowa

So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.

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(817): View more from Texas

You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go

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(336): View more from North Carolina

and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex

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(802): View more from Vermont

his penis is PERFECT

(802): View more from Vermont

I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm

(802): View more from Vermont

or knit it little hat

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Don't worry. I has chaperone.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I just made out with a guy for $7.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style

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(708): View more from Illinois

After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey kate, how is it?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

there needs to be a build-a-bong store...

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(973): View more from New Jersey

look no pants

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(314): View more from Missouri

Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college

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(517): View more from Michigan

Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them

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(712): View more from Iowa

I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.

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(214): View more from Texas

Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.

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(302): View more from Delaware

some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period

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(585): View more from New York

I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

You going out tonight?

(318): View more from Louisiana

No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.

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(235): View more from

I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.

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(813): View more from Florida

right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.

(1-813): View more from Florida

only on the fourth of july.

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(407): View more from Florida

the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.

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(407): View more from Florida

youre lurking in front of me

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love

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(845): View more from New York

beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween

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(251): View more from Alabama

Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree

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(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.

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(301): View more from Maryland

the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.

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(647): View more from Ontario

all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

(905): View more from Ontario

You're fat. Stop making excuses

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(409): View more from Texas

There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.

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(207): View more from Maine

Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever

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(716): View more from New York

I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner

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(904): View more from Florida

Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.

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(512): View more from Texas

The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?

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(425): View more from Washington

i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.

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(425): View more from Washington

Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap

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(734): View more from Michigan

11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.

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(802): View more from Vermont

you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it

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(641): View more from Iowa

are you wasted or are you getting laid?

(515): View more from Iowa

ebdebdebdebd

(641): View more from Iowa

wow

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(360): View more from Washington

Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.

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(424): View more from California

I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.

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(573): View more from Missouri

just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch

(636): View more from Missouri

Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?

(573): View more from Missouri

IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation

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(514): View more from Quebec

He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.

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(313): View more from Michigan

The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.

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(647): View more from Ontario

she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'

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(314): View more from Missouri

i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.

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(513): View more from Ohio

i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.

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(718): View more from New York

at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.

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(515): View more from Iowa

She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.

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(407): View more from Florida

What's he like?

(954): View more from Florida

The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.

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(406): View more from Montana

She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.

(409): View more from Texas

That was definitely the right answer.

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(310): View more from California

can your parents tell?

(310): View more from California

i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know

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(352): View more from Florida

I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?

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(716): View more from New York

honey bunches of taint.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.

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(330): View more from Ohio

We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.

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(434): View more from Virginia

he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him

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(360): View more from Washington

his personality makes his face look like an asshole.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.

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(310): View more from California

I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble

(1-310): View more from California

Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo

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(586): View more from Michigan

I'm not a real person

(586): View more from Michigan

I'm sorry, everyone knows that

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(501): View more from Arkansas

All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.

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(718): View more from New York

did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?

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(816): View more from Missouri

Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.

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(650): View more from California

i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!

(408): View more from California

Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...

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(949): View more from California

i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

I feel like half our conversations start this way.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Dude i fell asleep inside of her

(1-248): View more from Michigan

thats awesome

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"

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(415): View more from California

I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"

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(641): View more from Iowa

I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

tequila

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(917): View more from New York City

She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic

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(407): View more from Florida

So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves

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(314): View more from Missouri

Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.

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(404): View more from Georgia

hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.

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(+32): View more from Belgium

guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for

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(604): View more from British Columbia

fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.

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(845): View more from New York

I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.

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(602): View more from Arizona

You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.

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(530): View more from California

I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.

(1-530): View more from California

fuck. you.

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(773): View more from Illinois

arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better

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(303): View more from Colorado

How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend

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(540): View more from Virginia

my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.

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(518): View more from New York

All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

(301): View more from Maryland

OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

(518): View more from New York

Doritoesssssss

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(734): View more from Michigan

How was the bike ride?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.

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(818): View more from California

Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around

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(208): View more from Idaho

why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

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(970): View more from Colorado

ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"

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(954): View more from Florida

Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.

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(949): View more from California

You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(540): View more from Virginia

Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.

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(440): View more from Ohio

just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.

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(303): View more from Colorado

she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper

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(519): View more from Ontario

Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.

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(480): View more from Arizona

My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

Do I even want to know?

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(602): View more from Arizona

you'll never guess what i found when i got home...

(928): View more from Arizona

a cake, in the toilet

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(917): View more from New York City

I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.

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(310): View more from California

Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone

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(806): View more from Texas

If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut

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(360): View more from Washington

Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?

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(425): View more from Washington

I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.

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(207): View more from Maine

You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.

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(510): View more from California

On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit

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(646): View more from New York

There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.

(1-646): View more from New York

Your pregnant arnt you

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(240): View more from Maryland

oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you

(580): View more from Oklahoma

Really.

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(760): View more from California

so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I am the drunkest girl in the tree.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

At least I've made one childhood dream come true

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(703): View more from Virginia

so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg

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(905): View more from Ontario

The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.

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(240): View more from Maryland

just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser

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(818): View more from California

im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.

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(573): View more from Missouri

My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.

(260): View more from Indiana

He probs deserved it.

(317): View more from Indiana

Every good man does.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.

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(954): View more from Florida

i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.

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(989): View more from Michigan

i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.

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(310): View more from California

So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.

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(928): View more from Arizona

She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(647): View more from Ontario

Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party

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(858): View more from California

I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.

(619): View more from California

you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS

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(240): View more from Maryland

This kid is drunk.

(410): View more from Maryland

I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.

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