Texts From Last Night · n1e7h's Favorites

n1e7h's Favorites Texts:

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(308): View more from Nebraska

He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%

(405): View more from Oklahoma

And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.

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(661): View more from California

I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am

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(519): View more from Ontario

You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.

(1-757): View more from Virginia

I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.

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(407): View more from Florida

Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.

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(206): View more from Washington

Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.

(1-206): View more from Washington

Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?

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(216): View more from Ohio

Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.

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(917): View more from New York City

I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here

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(209): View more from California

Show him your tits if he says no

(1-209): View more from California

They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.

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(248): View more from Michigan

They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.

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(708): View more from Illinois

is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro

(773): View more from Illinois

yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.

(708): View more from Illinois

how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?

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(256): View more from Alabama

Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.

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(+84): View more from

he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.

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(770): View more from Georgia

If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?

(910): View more from North Carolina

That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?

(770): View more from Georgia

Touche.

(910): View more from North Carolina

I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.

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(205): View more from Alabama

This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.

(1-334): View more from Alabama

Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..

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(352): View more from Florida

What are you doing?

(352): View more from Florida

High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...

(352): View more from Florida

That guy could sell me cancer.

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.

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(813): View more from Florida

The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.

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(407): View more from Florida

i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.

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(951): View more from California

I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.

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(419): View more from Ohio

when I sang my humps to you I meant it.

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(786): View more from Florida

All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"

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(302): View more from Delaware

i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.

(1-302): View more from Delaware

you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him

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(843): View more from South Carolina

He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.

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(716): View more from New York

Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases

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(916): View more from California

my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha

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(740): View more from Ohio

his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Why am I even shocked you're doing this....

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(+77): View more from

her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'

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(323): View more from California

You know you want to come over later

(1-323): View more from California

1:27a: Um no

(1-323): View more from California

1:45a: Maybe

(1-323): View more from California

2:05a: Probably

(1-323): View more from California

2:38a: I'm outside, let me in

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(817): View more from Texas

If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

thats actually pretty good logic

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,

(679): View more from Michigan

I wanted to be a dolphin.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.

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(214): View more from Texas

then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them

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(512): View more from Texas

you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday

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(509): View more from Washington

I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?

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(314): View more from Missouri

I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.

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(646): View more from New York

congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism

(917): View more from New York City

cool. same. I'm in class drinking

(646): View more from New York

NOT OKAY

(917): View more from New York City

sorry for partying

(646): View more from New York

THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.

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(786): View more from Florida

It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...

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(516): View more from New York

i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets

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(704): View more from North Carolina

i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann

(803): View more from South Carolina

honey you're def caucasian

(704): View more from North Carolina

i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z

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(310): View more from California

I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him

(310): View more from California

its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain

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(360): View more from Washington

Im 95% ready to shit behind 711

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(757): View more from Virginia

shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas

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(719): View more from Colorado

Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room

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(859): View more from Kentucky

heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge

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(206): View more from Washington

Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.

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(434): View more from Virginia

Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.

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(408): View more from California

4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.

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(916): View more from California

come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.

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(702): View more from Nevada

yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

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(212): View more from New York

You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?

(475): View more from Connecticut

Yeah?

(212): View more from New York

Stuck it in his pooper.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.

(941): View more from Florida

it was a krispy kreme

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(954): View more from Florida

The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.

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(813): View more from Florida

his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.

(407): View more from Florida

yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?

(408): View more from California

JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?

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(757): View more from Virginia

FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer

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(609): View more from New Jersey

LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.

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(586): View more from Michigan

If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption

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(443): View more from Maryland

Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.

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(386): View more from Florida

he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"

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(807): View more from Ontario

Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables

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(845): View more from New York

I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that

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(302): View more from Delaware

Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal

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(586): View more from Michigan

But do you think a lot of ppl use facebook as a masturbation supplement to porn?

(586): View more from Michigan

Let me make clear that I am not a facebook masturbator

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.

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(845): View more from New York

Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!

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(425): View more from Washington

i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"

(206): View more from Washington

do it. it's every man's dream.

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(248): View more from Michigan

the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness

(1-248): View more from Michigan

don't cry, we can learn from her

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.

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(903): View more from Texas

I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Well how do you think I feel

(860): View more from Connecticut

fair enough

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it

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(416): View more from Ontario

He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.

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(912): View more from Georgia

So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.

(1-912): View more from Georgia

Who leaves their car unlocked at night?

(912): View more from Georgia

Someone who wants to read the newspaper.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

when did we get a doorman?

(203): View more from Connecticut

we were also in the wrong building...

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(917): View more from New York City

How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.

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(636): View more from Missouri

He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.

(314): View more from Missouri

That was the greatest thing i have ever read.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Lets date for the summer

(815): View more from Illinois

what?

(480): View more from Arizona

Dont love me in September.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Who is this?

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?

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(330): View more from Ohio

I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer

(919): View more from North Carolina

Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"

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(845): View more from New York

he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"

(845): View more from New York

where do u find these people!?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it

(973): View more from New Jersey

just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you

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(910): View more from North Carolina

it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'

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(480): View more from Arizona

Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?

(480): View more from Arizona

You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.

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(312): View more from Illinois

i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it

(917): View more from New York City

the suitcase or the dildo?

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(248): View more from Michigan

new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.

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(315): View more from New York

Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench

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(801): View more from Utah

im getting coffee to go get coffee.

(435): View more from Utah

Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls

(702): View more from Nevada

Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter

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(760): View more from California

I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"

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(313): View more from Michigan

I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.

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(716): View more from New York

Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way

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(845): View more from New York

They were actually really boring considering how we met them.

(1-845): View more from New York

howd you meet them?

(845): View more from New York

They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.

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(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"

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(407): View more from Florida

You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.

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(801): View more from Utah

If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...

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(219): View more from Indiana

about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?

(219): View more from Indiana

yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?

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(917): View more from New York City

Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.

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(903): View more from Texas

How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!

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(708): View more from Illinois

You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.

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(206): View more from Washington

I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table

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(512): View more from Texas

we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja

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(217): View more from Illinois

Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Vomiting outside the employee entrance

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(740): View more from Ohio

we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.

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(516): View more from New York

drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me

(516): View more from New York

he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york

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(719): View more from Colorado

3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado

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(614): View more from Ohio

Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.

(904): View more from Florida

FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay

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(919): View more from North Carolina

dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

I believe so, yes.

(479): View more from Arkansas

Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?

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(847): View more from Illinois

garbage

(248): View more from Michigan

garbage dick

(847): View more from Illinois

rubbish cock

(248): View more from Michigan

you win

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(510): View more from California

I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls

(763): View more from Minnesota

is that a poem?!

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(810): View more from Michigan

kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.

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(561): View more from Florida

This is the prime rib incident all over again

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(858): View more from California

you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up

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(386): View more from Florida

i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa

(603): View more from New Hampshire

I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...

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(289): View more from Ontario

Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.

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(585): View more from New York

Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.

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(207): View more from Maine

I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7

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(210): View more from Texas

i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore

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(847): View more from Illinois

I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!

(864): View more from South Carolina

Because men are children

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Touche

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(516): View more from New York

i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD

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(719): View more from Colorado

Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"

(1-864): View more from South Carolina

as in "white"?

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(914): View more from New York

Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class

(1-914): View more from New York

that is WHY your in summer classes

(914): View more from New York

worth it

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(517): View more from Michigan

Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....

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(707): View more from California

I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.

(1-707): View more from California

is that even a sentence?

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(585): View more from New York

My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.

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(518): View more from New York

They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower

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(574): View more from Indiana

Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...

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(515): View more from Iowa

If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.

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(631): View more from New York

can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished

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(214): View more from Texas

I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band

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(647): View more from Ontario

he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.

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(+35): View more from

i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places

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(802): View more from Vermont

She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care

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(313): View more from Michigan

I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY

(614): View more from Ohio

handstands? WTF?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

she was a gymnast

(614): View more from Ohio

go to hell.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose

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(248): View more from Michigan

This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.

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(813): View more from Florida

So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.

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(585): View more from New York

that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag

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(530): View more from California

You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.

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(805): View more from California

Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?

(805): View more from California

and why are they spooning a flamingo?

(714): View more from California

they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I think I'm in Tiajuana

(404): View more from Georgia

You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago

(706): View more from Georgia

I could be

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(817): View more from Texas

I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.

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(903): View more from Texas

If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.

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(954): View more from Florida

I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had

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(770): View more from Georgia

I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

You make your fellow Jews happy.

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(719): View more from Colorado

She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time

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(630): View more from Illinois

Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.

(217): View more from Illinois

Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.

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(301): View more from Maryland

She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.

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(214): View more from Texas

I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"

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(240): View more from Maryland

When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question

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(416): View more from Toronto

Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?

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(281): View more from Texas

Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?

(281): View more from Texas

Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.

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(905): View more from Ontario

gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way

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(425): View more from Washington

her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow

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(770): View more from Georgia

his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning

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(917): View more from New York City

OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.

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(619): View more from California

you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog

(716): View more from New York

do you not see the irony in that??

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(256): View more from Alabama

A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house

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(765): View more from Indiana

Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.

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(716): View more from New York

my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar

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(847): View more from Illinois

The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today

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(714): View more from California

turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker

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(678): View more from Georgia

I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars

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(218): View more from Minnesota

The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

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(908): View more from New Jersey

so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?

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(301): View more from Maryland

Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.

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(940): View more from Texas

I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl

(1-940): View more from Texas

you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.

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(217): View more from Illinois

he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.

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(520): View more from Arizona

2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.

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(646): View more from New York

ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!

(812): View more from Indiana

?

(646): View more from New York

Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?

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(309): View more from Illinois

dude do u know what u did last night?

(1-309): View more from Illinois

do i wanna know???

(309): View more from Illinois

you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...

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(805): View more from California

Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla

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(336): View more from North Carolina

okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"

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(914): View more from New York

every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.

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(819): View more from Quebec

I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.

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(425): View more from Washington

i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house

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(707): View more from California

I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister

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(989): View more from Michigan

I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.

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(618): View more from Illinois

here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...

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(562): View more from California

he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

I mean not really

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.

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(415): View more from California

no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner

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(925): View more from California

"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.

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(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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(956): View more from Texas

If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?

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(661): View more from California

What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife

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(618): View more from Illinois

I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?

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(519): View more from Ontario

ambylanc

(1-519): View more from Ontario

what?

(519): View more from Ontario

there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.

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(281): View more from Texas

my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.

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(925): View more from California

i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on

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(443): View more from Maryland

The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"

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(443): View more from Maryland

we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice

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(217): View more from Illinois

Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.

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(949): View more from California

just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL

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(707): View more from California

You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"

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(845): View more from New York

Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands

(845): View more from New York

i made a dollar

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(515): View more from Iowa

Even my vagina gasped.

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(917): View more from New York City

M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely

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(224): View more from Illinois

I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.

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(812): View more from Indiana

i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.

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(303): View more from Colorado

We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it

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(201): View more from New Jersey

at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

youre welcome

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(310): View more from California

I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame

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(207): View more from Maine

He violated my cat. I was not impressed.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?

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(425): View more from Washington

he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"

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(516): View more from New York

I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...

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(513): View more from Ohio

Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives

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(205): View more from Alabama

I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.

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(515): View more from Iowa

On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.

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(248): View more from Michigan

She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..

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(615): View more from Tennessee

He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology

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(949): View more from California

i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around

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(928): View more from Arizona

I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

it's a girl!!

(614): View more from Ohio

That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years

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(716): View more from New York

I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"

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(701): View more from North Dakota

The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.

(406): View more from Montana

And we all know God doesn't like sinners.

(701): View more from North Dakota

Amen.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?

(609): View more from New Jersey

Haha how much did you smoke

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

4 feet of smokeee!

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

there were a lot.

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(807): View more from Ontario

I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.

(504): View more from Louisiana

Who won?

(225): View more from Louisiana

All of them.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja

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(973): View more from New Jersey

she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.

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(317): View more from Indiana

i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.

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(516): View more from New York

...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?

(585): View more from New York

hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that

(516): View more from New York

is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?

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(562): View more from California

So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.

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(219): View more from Indiana

where are my pants?

(1-219): View more from Indiana

you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm

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(587): View more from Alberta

His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?

(780): View more from Alberta, CA

You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?

(587): View more from Alberta

She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband

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(858): View more from California

Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.

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(512): View more from Texas

Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.

(512): View more from Texas

Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids

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(573): View more from Missouri

his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"

(314): View more from Missouri

did it work

(573): View more from Missouri

that's not the point...

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(586): View more from Michigan

I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'

(586): View more from Michigan

I thought that was really considerate

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.

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(585): View more from New York

please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.

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(520): View more from Arizona

I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Chicken burrito, or no deal.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

Is that code for my vagina?

(402): View more from Nebraska

Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito

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(618): View more from Illinois

This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.

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(801): View more from Utah

Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

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(518): View more from New York

how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago

(404): View more from Georgia

so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.

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(214): View more from Texas

Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.

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(480): View more from Arizona

my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.

(713): View more from Texas

what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?

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(816): View more from Missouri

and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours

(816): View more from Missouri

outstanding.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u

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(941): View more from Florida

its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Odds of those being real?

(614): View more from Ohio

One in who gives a fuck

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(904): View more from Florida

she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.

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(+44): View more from England

Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.

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(313): View more from Michigan

She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"

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(417): View more from Missouri

Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.

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(912): View more from Georgia

She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.

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(530): View more from California

and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.

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(469): View more from Texas

you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?

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(678): View more from Georgia

What are you drinking?

(404): View more from Georgia

Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL

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(917): View more from New York City

I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules

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(916): View more from California

It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

those are such fre$h shoes

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign

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(513): View more from Ohio

How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.

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(415): View more from California

its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead

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(352): View more from Florida

Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.

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(518): View more from New York

I hraet yuo

(862): View more from New Jersey

did you say you heart me or hate me?

(518): View more from New York

who is this?

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(858): View more from California

Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts

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(631): View more from New York

Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.

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(972): View more from Texas

You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"

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(404): View more from Georgia

All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

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(301): View more from Maryland

Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.

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(650): View more from California

She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine

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(513): View more from Ohio

Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified

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(404): View more from Georgia

And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.

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(703): View more from Virginia

She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis

(1-703): View more from Virginia

Every man deserves at least one moment like that

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(903): View more from Texas

I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on

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(651): View more from Minnesota

dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.

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(510): View more from California

I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.

(1-510): View more from California

It was probably Jesus.

(510): View more from California

I feel like he would have left a message.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey

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(218): View more from Minnesota

all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.

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(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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(330): View more from Ohio

he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.

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(786): View more from Florida

HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder

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(440): View more from Ohio

I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.

(1-440): View more from Ohio

Why? Who won?

(440): View more from Ohio

we don't know. we ran out of oranges.

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(630): View more from Illinois

is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?

(815): View more from Illinois

that's gum

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(406): View more from Montana

This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends

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(512): View more from Texas

Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.

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(646): View more from New York

Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.

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(248): View more from Michigan

today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much

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(913): View more from Kansas

come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.

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(720): View more from Colorado

i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944

(720): View more from Colorado

and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.

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(312): View more from Illinois

awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!

(708): View more from Illinois

Did someone propose they get off the stage?

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(519): View more from Ontario

her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs

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(240): View more from Maryland

woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.

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(678): View more from Georgia

My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?

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(847): View more from Illinois

i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it

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(248): View more from Michigan

Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."

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(304): View more from West Virginia

hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy

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(641): View more from Iowa

I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.

(319): View more from Iowa

Good thing spelling doesn't count.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.

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(219): View more from Indiana

My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?

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(845): View more from New York

Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"

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(303): View more from Colorado

Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.

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(806): View more from Texas

I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.

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(845): View more from New York

I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year

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(609): View more from New Jersey

ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!

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(760): View more from California

dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.

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(419): View more from Ohio

fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.

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(914): View more from New York

She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...

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(101): View more from

Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?

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(319): View more from Iowa

My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.

(404): View more from Georgia

Is it any good?

(615): View more from Tennessee

Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.

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(804): View more from Virginia

ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"

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(507): View more from Minnesota

She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...

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(705): View more from Ontario

Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself

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(808): View more from Hawaii

dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd

(1-808): View more from Hawaii

lock that shit down

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(805): View more from California

The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers

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(734): View more from Michigan

Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.

(205): View more from Alabama

Win!

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(917): View more from New York City

omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.

(310): View more from California

wait, who's paul?

(917): View more from New York City

exactly.

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(949): View more from California

Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?

(619): View more from California

hahahahahahahahahahaha

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(219): View more from Indiana

ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"

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(807): View more from Ontario

her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.

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(917): View more from New York City

Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.

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(305): View more from Florida

woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...

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(678): View more from Georgia

i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......

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(404): View more from Georgia

I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.

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(206): View more from Washington

I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism

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(850): View more from Florida

I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok

(850): View more from Florida

They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good

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(+34): View more from Spain

Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

(732): View more from New Jersey

like it was yesterday

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.

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(404): View more from Georgia

dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs

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(303): View more from Colorado

Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought

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(334): View more from Alabama

I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.

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(760): View more from California

Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.

(912): View more from Georgia

What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?

(760): View more from California

I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.

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(815): View more from Illinois

So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)

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(423): View more from Tennessee

my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you

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(561): View more from Florida

I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.

(561): View more from Florida

He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.

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(914): View more from New York

you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.

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(518): View more from New York

I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.

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(574): View more from Indiana

how does Santa get into Hogwarts?

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(231): View more from Michigan

my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring

(989): View more from Michigan

i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me

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(862): View more from New Jersey

5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF

(973): View more from New Jersey

children are so perceptive these days... and horny

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.

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(323): View more from California

How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?

(213): View more from California

It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone

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(520): View more from Arizona

The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Bea Arthur died yesterday

(240): View more from Maryland

You shut your stupid mouth

(301): View more from Maryland

Betty White is next, I just know it.

(240): View more from Maryland

Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.

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(773): View more from Illinois

She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in

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(206): View more from Washington

I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole

(425): View more from Washington

There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

and?

(609): View more from New Jersey

RIP clitoris

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(516): View more from New York

onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?

(443): View more from Maryland

he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?

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(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"

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(208): View more from Idaho

She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".

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(704): View more from North Carolina

my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'

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(559): View more from California

Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE

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(931): View more from Tennessee

just woke up in my neighbors garage.

(931): View more from Tennessee

scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups

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(410): View more from Maryland

You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.

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(619): View more from California

So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.

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(970): View more from Colorado

There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.

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(248): View more from Michigan

My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks

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(914): View more from New York

i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.

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(480): View more from Arizona

U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him

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(513): View more from Ohio

This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie

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(718): View more from New York

what happened last night?

(917): View more from New York City

u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style

(718): View more from New York

that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left

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(703): View more from Virginia

Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..

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(907): View more from Alaska

We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.

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(813): View more from Florida

literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.

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(317): View more from Indiana

ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area

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(206): View more from Washington

I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.

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(818): View more from California

Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night

(334): View more from Alabama

I felt like a fucking code breaker.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.

(702): View more from Nevada

Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??

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(904): View more from Florida

bring the vodka.

(1-904): View more from Florida

i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?

(904): View more from Florida

we are.

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(509): View more from Washington

That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis

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(904): View more from Florida

Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

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(504): View more from Louisiana

She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."

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(330): View more from Ohio

beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it

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(864): View more from South Carolina

We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.

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(941): View more from Florida

sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate

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(702): View more from Nevada

she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.

(702): View more from Nevada

now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"

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(516): View more from New York

The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(602): View more from Arizona

When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.

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(206): View more from Washington

I thought spray tan was a myth

(1-206): View more from Washington

?

(206): View more from Washington

You know, something that only happens in Jersey

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.

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(207): View more from Maine

you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom

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(478): View more from Georgia

We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.

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(619): View more from California

My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.

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(303): View more from Colorado

We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down

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(850): View more from Florida

hey. who tried to drive me home last night?

(904): View more from Florida

not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?

(850): View more from Florida

i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

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(817): View more from Texas

Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

(1-817): View more from Texas

You weighed it?

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(949): View more from California

just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."

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(908): View more from New Jersey

did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.

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(905): View more from Toronto

so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.

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(703): View more from Virginia

How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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(406): View more from Montana

my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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(949): View more from California

Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

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(954): View more from Florida

you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.

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(971): View more from Oregon

I have two black x marks on my hands.

(503): View more from Oregon

Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

(971): View more from Oregon

damnit I wish I could remember that.

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(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

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(434): View more from Virginia

why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?

(540): View more from Virginia

you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(607): View more from New York

Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(720): View more from Colorado

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(815): View more from Illinois

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(712): View more from Iowa

I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.

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(254): View more from Texas

Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.

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(541): View more from Oregon

dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS

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(256): View more from Alabama

Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(

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(908): View more from New Jersey

We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.

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(303): View more from Colorado

dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here

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(707): View more from California

I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(530): View more from California

Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds

(1-530): View more from California

Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.

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(503): View more from Oregon

bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on

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(773): View more from Illinois

We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.

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(214): View more from Texas

didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you definitely held a convo with a hobo

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

we have a secret handshake

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(661): View more from California

No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans

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(815): View more from Illinois

Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll

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(205): View more from Alabama

you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!

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(845): View more from New York

As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth

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(937): View more from Ohio

Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.

(937): View more from Ohio

He had some in his pocket. That was weird.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..

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(816): View more from Missouri

I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.

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(302): View more from Delaware

some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period

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(224): View more from Illinois

get to allyx's house asap

(312): View more from Illinois

Ok is everything ok

(224): View more from Illinois

Yeah, theres just lesbians

(312): View more from Illinois

omg yes on my way

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(402): View more from Nebraska

He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.

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(360): View more from Washington

just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college

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(561): View more from Florida

I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Five things that make you perfect. Go.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.

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(415): View more from California

I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?

(512): View more from Texas

Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.

(415): View more from California

Watch for tornadoes.

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(312): View more from Illinois

i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab

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(845): View more from New York

our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.

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(408): View more from California

Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.

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(913): View more from Kansas

You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy

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(325): View more from Texas

When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous

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(828): View more from North Carolina

proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I puked a lego.

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(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?

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(614): View more from Ohio

We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!

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(210): View more from Texas

I just want to hang out with her.

(916): View more from California

You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.

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(256): View more from Alabama

she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump

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(330): View more from Ohio

I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.

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(907): View more from Alaska

He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important

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(512): View more from Texas

Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.

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(734): View more from Michigan

He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.

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(713): View more from Texas

Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.

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(512): View more from Texas

its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video

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(416): View more from Ontario

we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance

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(330): View more from Ohio

you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.

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(757): View more from Virginia

hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...

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(315): View more from New York

THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.

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(585): View more from New York

there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk

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(972): View more from Texas

**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.

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(206): View more from Washington

she told me i tasted like america

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot

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(847): View more from Illinois

You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head

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(818): View more from California

he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror

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(302): View more from Delaware

it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other

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(248): View more from Michigan

I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch

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(907): View more from Alaska

I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself

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(209): View more from California

Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas

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(804): View more from Virginia

when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story

(307): View more from Wyoming

The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."

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(646): View more from New York

They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won

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(765): View more from Indiana

Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?

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(513): View more from Ohio

CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....

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(916): View more from California

If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.

(320): View more from Minnesota

Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.

(916): View more from California

It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'

(617): View more from Massachusetts

we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom

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(224): View more from Illinois

you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.

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(407): View more from Florida

he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse

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(931): View more from Tennessee

my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

watch out for the queen of hearts

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

fuucck i forgot ab her

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(480): View more from Arizona

gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.

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(404): View more from Georgia

His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

That's funny. Are they weird looking???

(262): View more from Wisconsin

OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.

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(586): View more from Michigan

so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.

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(330): View more from Ohio

We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa

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(503): View more from Oregon

He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?

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(936): View more from Texas

You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home

(254): View more from Texas

Challenge accepted.

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(407): View more from Florida

HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN

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(705): View more from Ontario

All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.

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(518): View more from New York

I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.

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(253): View more from Washington

The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid

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(731): View more from Tennessee

I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.

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(302): View more from Delaware

She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.

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(303): View more from Colorado

we're about an hour out, how's the weather?

(720): View more from Colorado

cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"

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(319): View more from Iowa

He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle

(648): View more from

Since when is drunk an angle?

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(585): View more from New York

remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.

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(619): View more from California

i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die

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(916): View more from California

No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.

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(210): View more from Texas

I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.

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(315): View more from New York

And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'

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(+30): View more from

Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi

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(208): View more from Idaho

Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf

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(952): View more from Minnesota

i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.

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(786): View more from Florida

And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"

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(515): View more from Iowa

you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.

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(443): View more from Maryland

i would one night stand the shit outta him

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now

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(708): View more from Illinois

He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.

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(248): View more from Michigan

He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of

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(847): View more from Illinois

Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco

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(954): View more from Florida

I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.

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(416): View more from Toronto

you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine

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(719): View more from Colorado

Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The Swedes wanted a tensome.

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(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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(757): View more from Virginia

It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.

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(360): View more from Washington

Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

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(360): View more from Washington

Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.

(478): View more from Georgia

Moment of silence for the loss of that option.

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(+86): View more from China

Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.

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(518): View more from New York

I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you

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(804): View more from Virginia

Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far

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(260): View more from Indiana

I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.

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(407): View more from Florida

Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?

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(317): View more from Indiana

I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.

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(415): View more from California

Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.

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(703): View more from Virginia

yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop

(213): View more from California

so that means christmas in space?

(781): View more from Massachusetts

imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.

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(406): View more from Montana

It was just a squirrel

(253): View more from Washington

You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?

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(360): View more from Washington

I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?

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(703): View more from Virginia

of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.

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(425): View more from Washington

she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.

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(425): View more from Washington

They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.

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(847): View more from Illinois

just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.

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(845): View more from New York

You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich

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(802): View more from Vermont

Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.

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(802): View more from Vermont

She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?

(509): View more from Washington

You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.

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(404): View more from Georgia

It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.

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(207): View more from Maine

A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I don`t remember Saturday, actually

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

Its ok, i dont remember 2007

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(937): View more from Ohio

Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.

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(914): View more from New York

Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.

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(435): View more from Utah

i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.

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(516): View more from New York

Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch

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(913): View more from Kansas

He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.

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(509): View more from Washington

We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.

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(719): View more from Colorado

tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.

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(703): View more from Virginia

high in an attic. pig roast in 10.

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(207): View more from Maine

I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet

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(936): View more from Texas

the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"

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(601): View more from Mississippi

we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already

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(415): View more from California

Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila

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(207): View more from Maine

Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

OMG THAT WAS YOU?!

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.

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(404): View more from Georgia

The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant

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(952): View more from Minnesota

So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building

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(415): View more from California

I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink

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(816): View more from Missouri

Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work

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(225): View more from Louisiana

He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.

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(217): View more from Illinois

i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail

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(562): View more from California

she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you

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(807): View more from Ontario

I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.

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(512): View more from Texas

I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.

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(631): View more from New York

I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn

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(903): View more from Texas

this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison

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(980): View more from North Carolina

when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.

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(315): View more from New York

Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face

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(925): View more from California

if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars

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(214): View more from Texas

I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."

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(708): View more from Illinois

I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.

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(917): View more from New York City

I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM

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(714): View more from California

You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"

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(785): View more from Kansas

Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.

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(404): View more from Georgia

YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!

(678): View more from Georgia

correction: escorted out

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(416): View more from Toronto

Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

you didn't get her number why?

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(913): View more from Kansas

The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.

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(406): View more from Montana

To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve

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(615): View more from Tennessee

You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.

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(316): View more from Kansas

The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?

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(804): View more from Virginia

For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..

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(815): View more from Illinois

I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport

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(519): View more from Ontario

Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous

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(517): View more from Michigan

I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...

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(785): View more from Kansas

In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?

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(904): View more from Florida

way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...

(1-904): View more from Florida

I saved lives by not driving this morning

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.

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(913): View more from Kansas

i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell

(816): View more from Missouri

please tell me you are kidding me

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(613): View more from Ontario

OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch

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(270): View more from Kentucky

they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.

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(561): View more from Florida

I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face

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(217): View more from Illinois

I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.

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(513): View more from Ohio

hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"

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(541): View more from Oregon

When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.

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(813): View more from Florida

If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.

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(513): View more from Ohio

i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.

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(240): View more from Maryland

just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five

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(360): View more from Washington

Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka

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(251): View more from Alabama

And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.

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(661): View more from California

I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.

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(571): View more from Virginia

Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Either way, he made a blog for his cat.

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(707): View more from California

At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.

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(208): View more from Idaho

i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.

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(727): View more from Florida

My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.

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(330): View more from Ohio

i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.

(614): View more from Ohio

My vagina agrees.

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(302): View more from Delaware

You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics

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(207): View more from Maine

He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.

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(619): View more from California

You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.

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(573): View more from Missouri

We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.

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(914): View more from New York

right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"

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(406): View more from Montana

Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night

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(512): View more from Texas

Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

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(817): View more from Texas

Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"

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(916): View more from California

Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.

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(219): View more from Indiana

My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious

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(513): View more from Ohio

apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday

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(858): View more from California

We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.

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(786): View more from Florida

i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"

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(404): View more from Georgia

I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.

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(917): View more from New York City

My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.

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(850): View more from Florida

idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'

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(619): View more from California

He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.

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(817): View more from Texas

I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.

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(720): View more from Colorado

the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis

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(313): View more from Michigan

Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted

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(604): View more from British Columbia

You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people

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(518): View more from New York

and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis

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(510): View more from California

EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!

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(913): View more from Kansas

It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.

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(310): View more from California

He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday

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(662): View more from Mississippi

this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here

(601): View more from Mississippi

on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends

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(208): View more from Idaho

Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."

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(914): View more from New York

all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is

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(619): View more from California

surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka

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(254): View more from Texas

she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.

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(214): View more from Texas

I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.

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(607): View more from New York

She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS

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(402): View more from Nebraska

She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.

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(845): View more from New York

you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage

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(240): View more from Maryland

We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.

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(347): View more from New York

the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.

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(415): View more from California

Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?

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(907): View more from Alaska

The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up

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(949): View more from California

The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.

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(970): View more from Colorado

went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out

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(720): View more from Colorado

Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.

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(937): View more from Ohio

i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.

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(206): View more from Washington

I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade

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(616): View more from Michigan

You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?

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(217): View more from Illinois

i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.

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