Texts From Last Night · turkeymonster's Favorites

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turkeymonster's Favorites Texts:

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.

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(419): View more from Ohio

PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Internet Is back!

(860): View more from Connecticut

MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult

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(818): View more from California

She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.

(1-507): View more from Minnesota

We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.

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(206): View more from Washington

I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.

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(+62): View more from

This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.

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(817): View more from Texas

What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?

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(256): View more from Alabama

my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table

(1-256): View more from Alabama

whatd she say to you?

(256): View more from Alabama

no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle

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(213): View more from California

are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town

(1-213): View more from California

well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT

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(714): View more from California

Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful

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(203): View more from Connecticut

my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.

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(805): View more from California

I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.

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(352): View more from Florida

My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty

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(330): View more from Ohio

Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.

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(607): View more from New York

I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.

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(626): View more from California

Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed

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(314): View more from Missouri

Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I puked a lego.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.

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(519): View more from Ontario

her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs

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(678): View more from Georgia

I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.

(770): View more from Georgia

WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!

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(214): View more from Texas

I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.

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(667): View more from Maryland

what customs doesn't know wont hurt them

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(905): View more from Ontario

Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.

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(585): View more from New York

if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.

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(440): View more from Ohio

uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober

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(971): View more from Oregon

I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity

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(517): View more from Michigan

Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.

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(540): View more from Virginia

About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.

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(805): View more from California

You are such a cockblock sometimes

(661): View more from California

You NEED a cockblock sometimes

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(860): View more from Connecticut

We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone

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(770): View more from Georgia

Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.

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(509): View more from Washington

i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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(562): View more from California

In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...

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(813): View more from Florida

I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.

(407): View more from Florida

i think you have the wrong number

(813): View more from Florida

so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay

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(505): View more from New Mexico

There is a pube in my fucking eyeball

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.

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(210): View more from Texas

she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?

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(417): View more from Missouri

quadriplegic porn is always funny

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

no. no its not

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(440): View more from Ohio

i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime

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(205): View more from Alabama

After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.

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(708): View more from Illinois

We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now

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(818): View more from California

Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.

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(707): View more from California

I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on

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(703): View more from Virginia

fucking a dude

(703): View more from Virginia

i mean: fucking a, dude

(703): View more from Virginia

wow, that comma made all the difference there

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long

(1-414): View more from Wisconsin

aren't you going with children?

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(813): View more from Florida

His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.

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(347): View more from New York

I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.

(1-419): View more from Ohio

it's a Wednesday?

(419): View more from Ohio

:)

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(812): View more from Indiana

it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked

(1-812): View more from Indiana

tasteful.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"

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(248): View more from Michigan

To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....

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(515): View more from Iowa

Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here

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(773): View more from Illinois

I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow

(802): View more from Vermont

Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub

(413): View more from Massachusetts

I wish i could be there for it

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(503): View more from Oregon

bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?

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(530): View more from California

I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin

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(502): View more from Kentucky

They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.

(808): View more from Hawaii

oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to

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(559): View more from California

His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me

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(206): View more from Washington

What should I wear?

(808): View more from Hawaii

Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar

(206): View more from Washington

I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."

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(714): View more from California

Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.

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(845): View more from New York

Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen

(845): View more from New York

That would be so convenient

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(530): View more from California

I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.

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(407): View more from Florida

I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.

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(408): View more from California

who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am

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(845): View more from New York

3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.

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(757): View more from Virginia

broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo

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(510): View more from California

It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.

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(313): View more from Michigan

My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He's almost as awesome as vicodin.

(513): View more from Ohio

Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you

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(541): View more from Oregon

blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?

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(408): View more from California

We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I had to brake up with him.

(602): View more from Arizona

In my experience drinking helps.

(480): View more from Arizona

You dont want to know why?

(602): View more from Arizona

Not really. I want to drink.

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(516): View more from New York

Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.

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(440): View more from Ohio

somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me

(310): View more from California

maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA

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(856): View more from New Jersey

You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.

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(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

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(907): View more from Alaska

Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog

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(970): View more from Colorado

I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer

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(586): View more from Michigan

omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"

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(913): View more from Kansas

Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays

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(248): View more from Michigan

He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.

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(406): View more from Montana

you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"

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(440): View more from Ohio

Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.

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(254): View more from Texas

I see lights

(512): View more from Texas

Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.

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(636): View more from Missouri

trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want

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(919): View more from North Carolina

what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

"bouncy castle"

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.

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(650): View more from California

I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.

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(646): View more from New York

Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.

(339): View more from Massachusetts

No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.

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(914): View more from New York

I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.

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(516): View more from New York

I hate all girls vehemently.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Are we going out tonight?

(414): View more from Wisconsin

My conscience says no but my vag says yes

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.

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(425): View more from Washington

He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.

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(636): View more from Missouri

tequila makes her clothes fall off

(512): View more from Texas

wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time

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(314): View more from Missouri

Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Man I wish I had been there

(314): View more from Missouri

Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.

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(904): View more from Florida

Champagne is a vitamin, right?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.

(917): View more from New York City

what ever happened to our old dealer?

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(435): View more from Utah

Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.

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(719): View more from Colorado

im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car

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(517): View more from Michigan

Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing

(248): View more from Michigan

Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did mom hear me barking???

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

sooo high. sooo many dog friends

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(940): View more from Texas

An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?

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(443): View more from Maryland

you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.

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(530): View more from California

My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I wanna go to beed woth a nboy

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?

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(303): View more from Colorado

We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.

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(509): View more from Washington

Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you

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(706): View more from Georgia

i would punch a child for taco bell

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(818): View more from California

Jake died.

(310): View more from California

WTF????????? That's how you tell me????

(818): View more from California

Oops typo. Jake cried.

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(619): View more from California

i miss you so much

(858): View more from California

i miss you too

(858): View more from California

oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me

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(323): View more from California

You know you want to come over later

(1-323): View more from California

1:27a: Um no

(1-323): View more from California

1:45a: Maybe

(1-323): View more from California

2:05a: Probably

(1-323): View more from California

2:38a: I'm outside, let me in

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(785): View more from Kansas

Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.

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(248): View more from Michigan

your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.

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(817): View more from Texas

matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.

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(408): View more from California

Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?

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(310): View more from California

Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.

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(936): View more from Texas

Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared

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(785): View more from Kansas

It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.

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(208): View more from Idaho

you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack

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(546): View more from

Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.

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(905): View more from Ontario

She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

How's work?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Spinning.

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(915): View more from Texas

My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm at derby!

(847): View more from Illinois

The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?

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(650): View more from California

so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.

(415): View more from California

What...you let him do that?

(650): View more from California

It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Whore.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I was being facetious

(540): View more from Virginia

Don't try to hide behind big words.

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(708): View more from Illinois

My lips are sealed. Both pairs.

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(206): View more from Washington

Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.

(360): View more from Washington

You're getting good at this, you know that?

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(303): View more from Colorado

pwbgyin

(1-303): View more from Colorado

what?

(303): View more from Colorado

penguin condom

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(916): View more from California

You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

did u get his digits?

(201): View more from New Jersey

yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...

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(630): View more from Illinois

the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.

(630): View more from Illinois

just thought you should know her name is kristen

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."

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(586): View more from Michigan

You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot

(586): View more from Michigan

That was very cool/italian of you

(586): View more from Michigan

Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving

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(970): View more from Colorado

went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out

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(760): View more from California

My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?

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(217): View more from Illinois

i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"

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(303): View more from Colorado

Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.

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(631): View more from New York

I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.

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(305): View more from Florida

Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.

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(410): View more from Maryland

you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga

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(785): View more from Kansas

I found those 18 whoppers we bought.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!

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(248): View more from Michigan

If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.

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(416): View more from Ontario

i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .

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(732): View more from New Jersey

1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND

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(313): View more from Michigan

I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot

(313): View more from Michigan

He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all

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(519): View more from Ontario

due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.

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(314): View more from Missouri

WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?

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(512): View more from Texas

Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Hopefully she would park on my face.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".

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(650): View more from California

Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.

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(208): View more from Idaho

please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack

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(281): View more from Texas

If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.

(1-857): View more from Massachusetts

Doors?

(857): View more from Massachusetts

Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.

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(830): View more from Texas

i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...

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(304): View more from West Virginia

What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.

(1-304): View more from West Virginia

That wasn't intended for you, my bad.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn

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(205): View more from Alabama

what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant

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(925): View more from California

2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?

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(802): View more from Vermont

is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?

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(209): View more from California

What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?

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(957): View more from

I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

Thanks, mom.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman

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(248): View more from Michigan

I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.

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(760): View more from California

Man, ugly runs in her family

(619): View more from California

yeah, big time

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here

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(864): View more from South Carolina

we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me

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(954): View more from Florida

tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?

(1-954): View more from Florida

Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.

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(516): View more from New York

we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class

(914): View more from New York

isnt today saturday?

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(516): View more from New York

I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...

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(708): View more from Illinois

I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome

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(512): View more from Texas

they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version

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(302): View more from Delaware

I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Non-Jews are for practice

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(503): View more from Oregon

We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?

(509): View more from Washington

Places.

(503): View more from Oregon

Plural? Please tell.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!

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(519): View more from Ontario

I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.

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(858): View more from California

I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa

(860): View more from Connecticut

oh sweet, sweet irony

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(516): View more from New York

It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I think there was chlamydia in those woods.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties

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(443): View more from Maryland

She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.

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(727): View more from Florida

i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.

(1-727): View more from Florida

shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

watch out for the queen of hearts

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

fuucck i forgot ab her

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.

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(407): View more from Florida

Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston

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(912): View more from Georgia

i woke up with socks on this morning

(485): View more from

so?

(912): View more from Georgia

i didnt wear socks last night

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(804): View more from Virginia

Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop

(213): View more from California

so that means christmas in space?

(781): View more from Massachusetts

imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi

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(210): View more from Texas

READY

(1-210): View more from Texas

for what?

(210): View more from Texas

TO HAVE SEXXXX

(1-210): View more from Texas

i think you have the wrong number

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(571): View more from Virginia

I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Da na na, na na naa

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(845): View more from New York

I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.

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(845): View more from New York

Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap

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(240): View more from Maryland

This kid is drunk.

(410): View more from Maryland

I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I cherish every text you send me

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(785): View more from Kansas

It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.

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(419): View more from Ohio

On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.

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(614): View more from Ohio

...is it true? will i see you next weekend

(248): View more from Michigan

YES.

(614): View more from Ohio

ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us

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(917): View more from New York City

I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.

(917): View more from New York City

Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time

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(810): View more from Michigan

This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle

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(253): View more from Washington

Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out

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(718): View more from New York

you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out

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(251): View more from Alabama

Call me "white mamba"

(334): View more from Alabama

Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake

(251): View more from Alabama

It is white.

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(443): View more from Maryland

i drank out of a bidet.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

I had better be fucking involved with step four.

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(480): View more from Arizona

get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch

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(313): View more from Michigan

if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it

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(517): View more from Michigan

I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

just woke up in my neighbors garage.

(931): View more from Tennessee

scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.

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(813): View more from Florida

He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL

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(651): View more from Minnesota

My Vagina smells like Nemo again.

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(276): View more from Virginia

Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina

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(541): View more from Oregon

You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.

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(518): View more from New York

They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.

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(512): View more from Texas

did you find a tooth?

(254): View more from Texas

did you lose one?

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(619): View more from California

Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.

(856): View more from New Jersey

Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits

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(815): View more from Illinois

We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.

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(818): View more from California

dude, i look like john mccains neck right now

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I think im pregnant

(803): View more from South Carolina

I think you have the wrong number

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(705): View more from Ontario

i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.

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(678): View more from Georgia

My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.

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(518): View more from New York

i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur

(413): View more from Massachusetts

did it start talking like on Land before time?

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(239): View more from Florida

you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys

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(347): View more from New York

tell your sister to shave her snatch

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(630): View more from Illinois

batman just walked across the sidewalk

(1-630): View more from Illinois

lay off the drugs

(630): View more from Illinois

no for real he was wearing a cape

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(408): View more from California

she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room

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(248): View more from Michigan

hi brent please bring bad word music cd must most bad word please brent bring cd music bad word please brent bring cd music bad word

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.

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(708): View more from Illinois

BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK

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(985): View more from Louisiana

he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....

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(323): View more from California

i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.

(818): View more from California

she hot?

(323): View more from California

i don't wanna talk about it

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(713): View more from Texas

Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'

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(239): View more from Florida

Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does

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(702): View more from Nevada

Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride

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(240): View more from Maryland

I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy

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(619): View more from California

he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up

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(+49): View more from Germany

Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!

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(815): View more from Illinois

Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.

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(631): View more from New York

This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.

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(805): View more from California

she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.

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(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

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(515): View more from Iowa

Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.

(513): View more from Ohio

I stole a bike. Here's a pic

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(518): View more from New York

I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I demand visitation hours with the duck.

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(281): View more from Texas

WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!

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(727): View more from Florida

I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places

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(816): View more from Missouri

It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.

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(802): View more from Vermont

She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable

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(912): View more from Georgia

I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer

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(305): View more from Florida

Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

THAT'LL be a good time.

(401): View more from Rhode Island

and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.

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(641): View more from Iowa

Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.

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(208): View more from Idaho

We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.

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(661): View more from California

i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..

(951): View more from California

u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!

(661): View more from California

i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u

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(706): View more from Georgia

I GOT MY PERIOD!

(706): View more from Georgia

damn. i had names picked out.

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(660): View more from Missouri

Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...

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(770): View more from Georgia

Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex

(404): View more from Georgia

Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut

(770): View more from Georgia

Fuck. Wron person. But yea

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(256): View more from Alabama

My hair reeks of homosexuality.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I know she was great

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(989): View more from Michigan

It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.

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(559): View more from California

I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.

(1-559): View more from California

Yup.

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(231): View more from Michigan

bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.

(517): View more from Michigan

Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm on page 4.

(678): View more from Georgia

Im on beer infinity

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(519): View more from Ontario

Clothes are such an inconvenience.

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(614): View more from Ohio

What tipped you off? The sombrero?

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(517): View more from Michigan

Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.

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(716): View more from New York

honey bunches of taint.

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help

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(469): View more from Texas

Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick

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(620): View more from Kansas

How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

the problem with open bar is i never know what to get

(781): View more from Massachusetts

did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."

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(818): View more from California

actually, I'm a sock model

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.

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(727): View more from Florida

Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Nicole vs. Life

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(207): View more from Maine

You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.

(207): View more from Maine

sorry im really high

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(509): View more from Washington

I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?

(1-509): View more from Washington

talent.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.

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(956): View more from Texas

is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?

(210): View more from Texas

no

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.

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(646): View more from New York

Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.

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(916): View more from California

ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra

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(859): View more from Kentucky

let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that

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(805): View more from California

I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.

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(785): View more from Kansas

my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working

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(586): View more from Michigan

Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes

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(512): View more from Texas

I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys

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(916): View more from California

when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.

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(541): View more from Oregon

There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.

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(303): View more from Colorado

its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn

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(616): View more from Michigan

i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..

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(816): View more from Missouri

I hate your face

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(562): View more from California

she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend

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(409): View more from Texas

Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.

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(631): View more from New York

Where you are. You must stay where you are are

(631): View more from New York

Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu

(631): View more from New York

Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!

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(949): View more from California

You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.

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(773): View more from Illinois

oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever

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(778): View more from British Columbia

It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?

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(213): View more from California

your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.

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(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Haym$ered

(734): View more from Michigan

turn off your phone and go to bed

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.

(515): View more from Iowa

I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

so I ended up banging her last night

(1-414): View more from Wisconsin

dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?

(414): View more from Wisconsin

i don't even remember

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Dave a horae rider a coqw boy

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(212): View more from New York

Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"

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(301): View more from Maryland

chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Why don't you ever send me any naked pics

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.

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(214): View more from Texas

just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.

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(443): View more from Maryland

i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet

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(614): View more from Ohio

Welp...herpes.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Odds of those being real?

(614): View more from Ohio

One in who gives a fuck

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.

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(707): View more from California

I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n

(559): View more from California

sry, psychiatrist trumps professor

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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(719): View more from Colorado

tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.

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(315): View more from New York

he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out

(607): View more from New York

what a beautiful fairy tale

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(209): View more from California

update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.

(1-209): View more from California

the house was on fire??

(209): View more from California

shit I thought I told you.

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(909): View more from California

grandma shit on top of the toilet

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(620): View more from Kansas

The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".

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(315): View more from New York

I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.

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(206): View more from Washington

And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.

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(209): View more from California

You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant

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(970): View more from Colorado

There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?

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(269): View more from Michigan

So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!

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(516): View more from New York

its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved

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(973): View more from New Jersey

How has he not realized you're pregnant?

(201): View more from New Jersey

Spanx.

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(815): View more from Illinois

So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.

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(845): View more from New York

well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back

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(540): View more from Virginia

casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?

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(770): View more from Georgia

She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.

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(416): View more from Toronto

"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high

(954): View more from Florida

Yeah, I don't like babies at all

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex

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(847): View more from Illinois

Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?

(312): View more from Illinois

I get to be your mom.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.

(1-312): View more from Illinois

None of that is ok.

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(206): View more from Washington

do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"

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(208): View more from Idaho

Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.

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(805): View more from California

Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?

(805): View more from California

and why are they spooning a flamingo?

(714): View more from California

they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.

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(847): View more from Illinois

How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy

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(765): View more from Indiana

I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.

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(914): View more from New York

im gay

(203): View more from Connecticut

i know

(914): View more from New York

yea but for you.

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(541): View more from Oregon

So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap

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(802): View more from Vermont

i can juggle bunnies

(1-802): View more from Vermont

cool

(802): View more from Vermont

on fire

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.

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(630): View more from Illinois

At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us

(847): View more from Illinois

You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.

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(406): View more from Montana

I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.

(1-970): View more from Colorado

Soup is delicious

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(802): View more from Vermont

I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?

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(251): View more from Alabama

Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his

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(913): View more from Kansas

Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...

(1-913): View more from Kansas

What?!

(913): View more from Kansas

Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!

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(302): View more from Delaware

I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

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(914): View more from New York

hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early

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(317): View more from Indiana

A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.

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(519): View more from Ontario

While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.

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(434): View more from Virginia

She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk

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(336): View more from North Carolina

life is too short to starve

(678): View more from Georgia

life is also too short to be fat

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have

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(706): View more from Georgia

we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?

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(720): View more from Colorado

I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety

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(817): View more from Texas

I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.

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(208): View more from Idaho

New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.

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(937): View more from Ohio

That's science, my friend. Boner science.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.

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(845): View more from New York

just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."

(716): View more from New York

lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.

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(440): View more from Ohio

she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.

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(415): View more from California

just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.

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(858): View more from California

for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers

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(818): View more from California

Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night

(334): View more from Alabama

I felt like a fucking code breaker.

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(915): View more from Texas

at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?

(1-920): View more from Wisconsin

no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?

(920): View more from Wisconsin

he wasn't. neither were you.

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(419): View more from Ohio

dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"

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(662): View more from Mississippi

this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here

(601): View more from Mississippi

on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends

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(702): View more from Nevada

explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table

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(509): View more from Washington

I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.

(225): View more from Louisiana

where am I supposed to find one of those?

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(212): View more from New York

that's an acceptable place to lick

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(540): View more from Virginia

Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.

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(850): View more from Florida

I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok

(850): View more from Florida

They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good

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(937): View more from Ohio

my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic

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(310): View more from California

Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"

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(704): View more from North Carolina

there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before

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(513): View more from Ohio

i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore

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(302): View more from Delaware

i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.

(1-302): View more from Delaware

you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...

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(708): View more from Illinois

oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you

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(319): View more from Iowa

You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards

(1-515): View more from Iowa

None

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(253): View more from Washington

Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.

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(619): View more from California

We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants

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(847): View more from Illinois

just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.

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(302): View more from Delaware

this must be what syphilis tastes like

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(732): View more from New Jersey

her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.

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(954): View more from Florida

Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.

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(305): View more from Florida

quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you

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(847): View more from Illinois

Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.

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(530): View more from California

Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.

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(540): View more from Virginia

She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.

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(773): View more from Illinois

i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.

(773): View more from Illinois

SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person

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(619): View more from California

reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy

(1-619): View more from California

sounds legit

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(303): View more from Colorado

The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened

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(406): View more from Montana

my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute

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(660): View more from Missouri

dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome

(816): View more from Missouri

no its not leave

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(908): View more from New Jersey

so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.

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(516): View more from New York

is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?

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(212): View more from New York

btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up

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(765): View more from Indiana

i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.

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(813): View more from Florida

Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I honestly don't know what to make of that.

(423): View more from Tennessee

A ham sandwich would be nice.

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(913): View more from Kansas

season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"

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(843): View more from South Carolina

i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

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(519): View more from Ontario

Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?

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(602): View more from Arizona

I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.

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(925): View more from California

This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.

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(913): View more from Kansas

all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar

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(815): View more from Illinois

She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.

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(805): View more from California

do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step

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(343): View more from Ontario

STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?

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(219): View more from Indiana

NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh

(1-219): View more from Indiana

wow.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

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(760): View more from California

ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!

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(631): View more from New York

I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/

(973): View more from New Jersey

Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.

(859): View more from Kentucky

Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?

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(+77): View more from

her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us

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(207): View more from Maine

how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.

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(239): View more from Florida

No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon

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(651): View more from Minnesota

professor came back from spring break missing a tooth

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(503): View more from Oregon

Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.

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(805): View more from California

I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.

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(705): View more from Ontario

I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out

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(989): View more from Michigan

I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.

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(360): View more from Washington

Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.

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(510): View more from California

After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!

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(845): View more from New York

you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported

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(519): View more from Ontario

i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..

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(256): View more from Alabama

He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick

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(614): View more from Ohio

This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.

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(518): View more from New York

Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple

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(702): View more from Nevada

I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.

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(713): View more from Texas

So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh

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(240): View more from Maryland

stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.

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(313): View more from Michigan

ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?

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(850): View more from Florida

There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect

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(518): View more from New York

he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."

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(478): View more from Georgia

I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"

(1-478): View more from Georgia

And thats what homeschooling is for

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(732): View more from New Jersey

some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.

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(858): View more from California

he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order

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(815): View more from Illinois

I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".

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(208): View more from Idaho

aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars

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(732): View more from New Jersey

90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.

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(415): View more from California

He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.

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(818): View more from California

Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.

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(916): View more from California

This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here

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(517): View more from Michigan

My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar

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(310): View more from California

My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra

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(760): View more from California

I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.

(818): View more from California

haha i love mojitos

(760): View more from California

ya and i hate cabbage

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(626): View more from California

How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.

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(415): View more from California

how hairy? two words: wookie tits

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(678): View more from Georgia

He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.

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(303): View more from Colorado

i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed

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(530): View more from California

It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.

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(630): View more from Illinois

there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?

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(248): View more from Michigan

btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.

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(815): View more from Illinois

ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this

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(615): View more from Tennessee

It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.

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(818): View more from California

Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .

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(585): View more from New York

The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

K. On the way. I need a drink.

(904): View more from Florida

Like a drink drink or like water?

(601): View more from Mississippi

Have we met?

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I skipped work to stalk him.

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(520): View more from Arizona

normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(831): View more from California

theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(404): View more from Georgia

i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(310): View more from California

ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

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(510): View more from California

I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series

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(417): View more from Missouri

She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.

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(703): View more from Virginia

The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."

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(352): View more from Florida

The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.

(1-352): View more from Florida

Oh God. You're going to jail

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(419): View more from Ohio

Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...

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(305): View more from Florida

God, you're like boner-b-gone

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(970): View more from Colorado

last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!

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(415): View more from California

I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"

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(207): View more from Maine

dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat

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(804): View more from Virginia

god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next

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(650): View more from California

Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"

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(503): View more from Oregon

Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates

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(757): View more from Virginia

Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.

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(630): View more from Illinois

just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.

(815): View more from Illinois

we live in such a classy society.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.

(309): View more from Illinois

"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.

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(443): View more from Maryland

do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.

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(216): View more from Ohio

let's bang

(773): View more from Illinois

You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.

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(915): View more from Texas

Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"

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(561): View more from Florida

i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM

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(808): View more from Hawaii

white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"

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(415): View more from California

some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good

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(480): View more from Arizona

is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.

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(517): View more from Michigan

She just said, "are my livers going to die?"

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(313): View more from Michigan

Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker

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(651): View more from Minnesota

dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.

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(561): View more from Florida

She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'

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(703): View more from Virginia

swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

(202): View more from Washington, DC

buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

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(518): View more from New York

She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.

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(415): View more from California

Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.

(503): View more from Oregon

Cooked or uncooked?

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(678): View more from Georgia

Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.

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(406): View more from Montana

This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am

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(256): View more from Alabama

I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.

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(970): View more from Colorado

The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero

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(250): View more from British Columbia

i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.

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(845): View more from New York

Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"

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(336): View more from North Carolina

You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.

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(734): View more from Michigan

It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free

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(916): View more from California

craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

can you come get me at the bar

(301): View more from Maryland

ill be there in 10 min

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

can we stop off at build a bear on the way home

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(303): View more from Colorado

Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?

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(847): View more from Illinois

Farmville is her only friend.

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(419): View more from Ohio

do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?

(567): View more from Ohio

EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.

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(613): View more from Ontario

So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.

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(602): View more from Arizona

no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.

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(510): View more from California

Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.

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(512): View more from Texas

I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes

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(908): View more from New Jersey

is wine microwaveable?

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it

(508): View more from Massachusetts

I dont have a dog?

(774): View more from Massachusetts

WTF

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard

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(845): View more from New York

I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me

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(559): View more from California

I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper

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(443): View more from Maryland

where are you?

(240): View more from Maryland

Hypothermia

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(574): View more from Indiana

im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven

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(360): View more from Washington

Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I cont stop tolking in a british axsent

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(850): View more from Florida

JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.

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(212): View more from New York

Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!

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(707): View more from California

just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.

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(775): View more from Nevada

hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(630): View more from Illinois

all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

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(703): View more from Virginia

Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him

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