Texts From Last Night · aaronl53's Favorites

Sorry sharkey hasn't picked any favorites yet.

aaronl53's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(718): View more from New York

According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.

Fav 5 2768 985
share tweet
(428): View more from

she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.

Fav 3 2205 1052
share tweet

(615): View more from Tennessee

In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

it is a toga and you are a goddess.

Fav 15 5213 1141
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."

Fav 5 1326 1643
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.

Fav 13 6155 1160
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.

Fav 9 2633 1384
share tweet

(936): View more from Texas

I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.

Fav 12 4533 1798
share tweet

(920): View more from Wisconsin

You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.

Fav 10 3131 1200
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.

Fav 10 2866 1568
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"

Fav 9 1293 2985
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...

Fav 7 3012 1056
share tweet

(607): View more from New York

I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.

Fav 2 1630 1127
share tweet

(978): View more from Massachusetts

How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night

Fav 7 1129 2249
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?

Fav 6 2335 1040
share tweet

(408): View more from California

Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?

Fav 4 1855 1332
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!

(860): View more from Connecticut

I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo

Fav 14 8904 1455
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"

Fav 11 4242 1465
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals

(480): View more from Arizona

Are you high and at a petting zoo again?

Fav 5 5523 1282
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.

Fav 7 4915 1163
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus

Fav 5 2740 1065
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.

Fav 5 1142 2645
share tweet
(707): View more from California

there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.

Fav 28 1596 5651
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

She just gave me a free latte.

(416): View more from Toronto

Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.

Fav 7 3824 1254
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".

Fav 6 1552 2339
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.

Fav 19 4167 1229
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.

Fav 21 1765 5625
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best

Fav 7 2392 1597
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science

Fav 12 2262 2300
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.

Fav 14 2013 2925
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer

Fav 9 2892 1566
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you

Fav 8 1390 3301
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!

Fav 4 2582 1131
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.

Fav 30 12728 1623
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.

Fav 20 8428 1469
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.

Fav 11 4860 1491
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.

Fav 17 4459 1191
share tweet
(415): View more from California

She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.

Fav 34 5974 1504
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...

Fav 7 995 3027
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.

Fav 9 3123 949
share tweet
(858): View more from California

Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts

Fav 17 7129 1293
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.

Fav 39 4671 1341
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?

Fav 36 7019 1162
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.

Fav 8 4156 1168
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well

Fav 7 1408 3844
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.

Fav 20 7434 1243
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".

Fav 9 4675 1853
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK

Fav 9 3097 1353
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.

Fav 20 2380 3028
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.

Fav 24 8757 1373
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.

Fav 30 8251 1363
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.

Fav 28 1771 3737
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library

Fav 6 3427 1038
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.

Fav 10 1852 2988
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.

Fav 19 4121 1681
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis

(1-703): View more from Virginia

Every man deserves at least one moment like that

Fav 28 12570 1470
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...

Fav 6 4745 1207
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people

Fav 28 1785 5713
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in

Fav 14 3782 1034
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.

Fav 8 3155 1270
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.

Fav 12 4046 1997
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.

Fav 12 5491 1204
share tweet
(786): View more from Florida

HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.

Fav 30 7438 1261
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it

Fav 8 1550 2537
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?

Fav 10 5479 1136
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.

Fav 21 8696 1265
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?

(828): View more from North Carolina

Is it working?

Fav 18 5099 1426
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".

Fav 5 4518 1597
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.

Fav 14 8056 1246
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am

Fav 15 4133 1192
share tweet
(+45): View more from Denmark

Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.

Fav 9 5497 1479
share tweet
(760): View more from California

coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.

Fav 14 4320 1593
share tweet
(+03): View more from

Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'

Fav 14 6913 1764
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table

Fav 10 4755 1421
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting

Fav 14 6884 1432
share tweet
(818): View more from California

He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.

Fav 14 4432 1169
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis

Fav 22 6074 1269
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?

(1-850): View more from Florida

Her vagina devoured it.

Fav 8 5434 1543
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.

Fav 10 3094 1062
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.

Fav 5 3707 1001
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.

Fav 4 3611 1154
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944

(720): View more from Colorado

and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate

Fav 15 5909 1525
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.

Fav 4 3033 983
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"

Fav 4 5318 1069
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.

Fav 15 4747 1311
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon

Fav 10 3345 1387
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!

Fav 4 2808 1237
share tweet
(408): View more from California

he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."

Fav 25 3956 6649
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.

Fav 36 7108 2797
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend

Fav 5 4744 1420
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.

Fav 8 4492 1337
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'

Fav 7 2914 1792
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.

Fav 11 3577 1041
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance

Fav 3 3896 1017
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"

Fav 13 2212 4679
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.

Fav 6 3503 1234
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.

Fav 9 5612 1351
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.

Fav 5 3948 1369
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."

Fav 26 4580 1335
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.

Fav 3 2333 1603
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.

Fav 28 7267 1300
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.

Fav 2 2839 1140
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.

Fav 3 2859 1419
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this

Fav 2 2975 1279
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak

Fav 12 2693 1505
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.

(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, its January.

(970): View more from Colorado

We're going to do the voices too.

Fav 13 5781 1243
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas

Fav 8 2370 987
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.

Fav 7 3658 1145
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home

Fav 13 5652 1472
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs

Fav 3 3572 1125
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses

Fav 4 5364 1094
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.

Fav 12 1433 5581
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.

Fav 15 5739 1908
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight

Fav 31 7188 2193
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...

Fav 5 4010 1036
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.

Fav 27 8485 1598
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.

Fav 8 5200 937
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...

Fav 1 3620 1017
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal

Fav 20 4171 1315
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.

Fav 12 3168 1014
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.

Fav 8 3205 1011
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.

Fav 9 4018 1130
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.

(1-316): View more from Kansas

That's how you know you deserve to be a senior

Fav 13 4999 1126
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.

Fav 4 3992 1088
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.

Fav 8 3626 1010
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.

Fav 42 2253 7013
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care

Fav 7 2719 1008
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.

Fav 11 6569 1460
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"

Fav 3 2993 1062
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.

Fav 10 10145 1539
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy

Fav 17 1179 6209
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.

Fav 6 4343 1965
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.

Fav 4 3316 1294
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.

(478): View more from Georgia

Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.

Fav 13 3149 1398
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.

Fav 13 7148 1279
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.

Fav 5 4942 1038
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months

Fav 10 3263 3987
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny

Fav 7 5581 1018
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.

Fav 21 11979 1408
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell

Fav 11 4124 1153
share tweet
(854): View more from

i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews

Fav 8 2066 1117
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.

Fav 19 7003 1966
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.

Fav 9 3790 1992
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.

Fav 8 4378 1256
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

You coming home soon, man?

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

HENBARSCLOSE

Fav 7 4320 1086
share tweet
(478): View more from Georgia

We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.

Fav 14 8355 2006
share tweet
(619): View more from California

My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.

Fav 21 15219 1742
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends

Fav 26 6902 1281
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister

Fav 13 4100 1173
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired

Fav 18 4412 2061
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.

Fav 4 3712 1151
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.

Fav 16 6781 1403
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.

Fav 5 1577 4227
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09

Fav 3 1140 4566
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs

Fav 9 1675 3664
share tweet
(408): View more from California

we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.

Fav 3 2323 1228
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.

Fav 5 1448 3063
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...

Fav 23 12437 1802
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.

Fav 4 3138 1005
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash

Fav 3 1017 3264
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.

Fav 6 1333 3147
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well

Fav 8 3460 1754
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

Fav 16 10630 1513
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?

Fav 16 1111 4757
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"

Fav 7 2722 1305
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.

Fav 2 4186 1009
share tweet
(772): View more from Florida

At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?

Fav 20 2788 2696
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea

Fav 18 6044 1297
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.

Fav 2 3903 1104
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"

Fav 6 4376 1102
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.

Fav 15 7529 1245
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest

Fav 12 4715 1025
share tweet
(805): View more from California

Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy

Fav 6 2406 1279
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.

Fav 8 3613 1341
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.

Fav 12 3713 1238
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.

Fav 9 4108 1155
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?

Fav 19 4775 1213
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving

Fav 6 3772 1303
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.

Fav 7 3381 1491
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.

Fav 28 5201 2119
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service

Fav 17 6332 1121
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?

Fav 9 4708 1191
share tweet
(772): View more from Florida

No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join

Fav 2 3176 1336
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.

Fav 45 9490 3069
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.

Fav 5 3724 1252
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important

Fav 3 3330 1304
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.

Fav 20 2199 4627
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club

Fav 8 5653 1407
share tweet
(228): View more from Mississippi

thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"

Fav 3 5967 1536
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing

Fav 2 3453 1304
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3

Fav 4 4876 1449
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer

Fav 12 6482 1656
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade

Fav 9 4902 1388
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.

Fav 52 1528 5587
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended

Fav 10 1683 4162
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly

Fav 10 5269 1392
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.

Fav 4 2829 1001
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.

Fav 9 5615 2278
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.

Fav 12 4654 1387
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while

Fav 21 5601 1246
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display

Fav 7 3913 1157
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.

Fav 8 1462 3423
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up

Fav 35 7992 1547
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing

Fav 5 6809 1274
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."

Fav 20 5125 2106
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about

Fav 3 3891 1302
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.

Fav 6 3649 1246
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry

Fav 21 1466 4801
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.

Fav 18 2050 5775
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes

Fav 27 5109 1386
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.

Fav 25 1685 10137
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.

Fav 9 3423 1310
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.

Fav 23 1637 3434
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.

Fav 13 7339 1409
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.

Fav 9 3010 1098
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.

Fav 5 1231 4260
share tweet
(339): View more from Massachusetts

My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.

Fav 11 4985 1449
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?

Fav 12 2853 4823
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis

Fav 14 5663 2038
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.

Fav 5 908 4151
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping

Fav 21 5239 2126
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?

Fav 14 10069 2797
share tweet
(650): View more from California

I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.

Fav 14 5324 1473
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission

Fav 7 4642 1072
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.

Fav 6 4120 1038
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely

Fav 7 3122 1268
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.

Fav 21 4827 1488
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."

Fav 5 3114 1894
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.

Fav 7 4594 1318
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.

Fav 8 3705 1195
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.

Fav 7 8371 2527
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.

Fav 10 4264 2015
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.

Fav 8 5324 1660
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.

(703): View more from Virginia

So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...

Fav 9 4212 1392
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.

Fav 18 7766 1329
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.

Fav 14 1632 4887
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

Fav 50 18541 1571
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night

Fav 12 7456 1262
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

Fav 11 9279 2425
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Now he's lighting his socks on fire

Fav 9 3024 1499
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka

Fav 4 4914 1077
share tweet
(949): View more from California

the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.

Fav 11 1241 2850
share tweet
(760): View more from California

i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.

Fav 3 2457 1096
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..

Fav 16 2466 5120
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?

Fav 11 1636 2861
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.

Fav 26 7571 1151
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.

Fav 22 4783 1793
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.

Fav 9 2315 1801
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"

Fav 4 5867 1266
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.

Fav 15 2870 1427
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.

Fav 4 4112 1107
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face

Fav 25 3845 2174
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.

Fav 2 5185 1336
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...

Fav 18 10364 2565
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...

(1-904): View more from Florida

I saved lives by not driving this morning

Fav 9 8382 1291
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport

Fav 22 10559 1414
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed

Fav 8 4148 1088
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.

Fav 4 1405 4336
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?

Fav 6 4125 1225
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.

Fav 7 3916 1119
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot

Fav 12 3702 1295
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night

Fav 9 5146 1966
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.

Fav 7 1202 4075
share tweet
(+79): View more from

Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight

Fav 18 5152 1764
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week

Fav 2 3813 1128
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?

Fav 16 7078 1712
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring

Fav 24 13084 2009
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.

Fav 26 8550 1392
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work

Fav 16 2024 4052
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks

Fav 24 1129 7758
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.

Fav 6 4336 1385
share tweet
(415): View more from California

I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?

Fav 7 9426 1575
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet

Fav 12 9529 1521
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.

Fav 12 5264 1070
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.

Fav 11 6363 1173
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.

Fav 9 5096 1401
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.

Fav 18 2432 2587
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.

Fav 4 5232 1258
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster

Fav 9 2952 1381
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.

Fav 18 6917 1345
share tweet
(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.

Fav 16 2131 4319
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight

Fav 25 1939 6109
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars

Fav 37 2127 5085
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.

Fav 10 7283 1526
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen

Fav 25 2859 11551
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.

Fav 12 5237 2142
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

It was just a squirrel

(253): View more from Washington

You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar

Fav 12 6169 1411
share tweet
(408): View more from California

Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.

Fav 7 3106 1137
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.

Fav 5 4993 1199
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"

Fav 19 4800 2359
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!

Fav 12 7097 1520
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.

Fav 8 1270 3666
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.

Fav 13 1246 2901
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit

Fav 12 4565 1307
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.

Fav 8 3969 1191
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving

Fav 14 3612 1174
share tweet
(626): View more from California

Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.

Fav 10 3075 1446
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.

Fav 10 4248 1229
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.

Fav 23 6015 2311
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.

Fav 27 1398 8982
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day

Fav 17 3851 1524
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"

Fav 26 8353 1427
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".

Fav 22 8543 2215
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.

Fav 19 4975 1959
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....

Fav 5 3346 1657
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"

Fav 10 3549 1506
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.

(913): View more from Kansas

Nobody is perfect

(816): View more from Missouri

I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other

Fav 12 8184 1427
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...

Fav 13 3238 2883
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.

Fav 30 15358 1684
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.

(1-516): View more from New York

yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.

(516): View more from New York

Do you have to put it that way?

Fav 21 6622 1328
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.

Fav 9 4502 1293
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".

Fav 10 2339 3751
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism

Fav 8 4608 1471
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time

Fav 4 7469 1565
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.

Fav 12 5241 1371
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.

Fav 6 3827 1098
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.

Fav 19 1522 4460
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....

Fav 10 4070 1115
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.

Fav 16 3561 2259
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice

Fav 15 6072 1182
share tweet
(661): View more from California

I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me

Fav 25 11707 1445
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"

Fav 20 8984 1645
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...

Fav 15 5668 1280
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.

Fav 9 7737 1441
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.

Fav 3 2219 3215
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.

Fav 8 4164 1170
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.

Fav 15 6202 1851
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.

Fav 14 7504 1455
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.

Fav 6 3583 1213
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts

Fav 10 1522 3374
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.

Fav 14 8704 1131
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.

Fav 17 6773 1373
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day

Fav 8 10222 1316
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?

Fav 9 3623 1227
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.

Fav 10 10107 1297
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?

Fav 13 5354 1466
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.

Fav 9 5564 1240
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

That doesn't help me much...

(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm right under the moon!

Fav 15 14679 1666
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression

Fav 30 1568 4115
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.

Fav 13 5873 1548
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers

Fav 18 2119 6498
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?

Fav 9 4856 1546
share tweet
(805): View more from California

I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.

Fav 8 4381 1292
share tweet
(650): View more from California

I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.

Fav 5 4410 1303
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

Fav 71 25976 2502
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell

Fav 12 6622 1416
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem

Fav 9 4633 1430
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?

Fav 85 7669 1323
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"

Fav 11 7470 1415
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making

Fav 10 3743 1264
share tweet
(807): View more from Ontario

he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants

Fav 12 2098 6065
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3

Fav 10 3540 1269
share tweet
(213): View more from California

Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.

Fav 14 6483 2056
share tweet
(408): View more from California

just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".

Fav 8 2067 4745
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

Did I show you my penis last night?

Fav 29 7342 1547
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high

Fav 16 4983 2416
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.

Fav 6 4813 1399
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome

Fav 7 4281 1107
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.

Fav 11 1338 4430
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.

Fav 31 10631 1612
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain

Fav 4 3432 1223
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.

Fav 14 4568 1378
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do

Fav 24 1747 4665
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.

Fav 2 3109 1132
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.

Fav 8 3474 1415
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up

Fav 23 8396 1502
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.

Fav 49 8103 1611
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America

Fav 24 7153 1393
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.

Fav 4 4971 1345
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.

Fav 5 1563 2903
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.

Fav 8 1932 5200
share tweet
(310): View more from California

...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."

Fav 4 3849 1294
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.

Fav 8 3856 1520
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.

Fav 13 3824 1373
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..

Fav 7 1195 4053
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?

Fav 7 1538 3497
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?

Fav 18 4317 1544
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one

Fav 15 5190 1632
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious

Fav 35 5129 2892
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center

Fav 14 5681 1602
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"

Fav 12 5705 1319
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck

Fav 14 4086 1237
share tweet
(707): View more from California

I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.

Fav 4 3161 1188
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet

Fav 11 5290 1761
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.

Fav 15 6619 2288
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room

Fav 5 5377 2333
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.

Fav 35 8844 1637
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him

Fav 12 4420 1901
share tweet
(226): View more from Ontario

This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon

Fav 43 14864 2794
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...

Fav 23 5686 1912
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.

Fav 35 4884 1643
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?

Fav 9 4347 1346
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.

Fav 14 7222 1197
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.

Fav 17 5985 1336
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.

Fav 5 6552 1763
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me

Fav 8 4620 1304
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.

Fav 12 3901 1336
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.

Fav 8 7327 1564
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...

Fav 7 6914 1416
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."

Fav 15 1387 5735
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.

Fav 30 11329 1495
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow

(410): View more from Maryland

so basically your not goin out tonight?

(301): View more from Maryland

who said that?

Fav 13 5752 1294
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.

Fav 7 6902 2020
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it

Fav 18 10114 1409
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru

Fav 10 4946 1486
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired

Fav 12 4706 1143
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.

Fav 13 2423 6392
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.

Fav 9 5078 1614
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account

Fav 20 5765 1596
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"

Fav 15 5389 1555
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us

Fav 4 4743 1307
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"

Fav 19 4428 1934
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.

Fav 7 1826 4141
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.

Fav 28 2208 5883
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.

Fav 21 5359 1486
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.

Fav 23 5330 1481
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...

Fav 13 1218 3491
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?

Fav 14 5838 1500
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.

Fav 6 4291 998
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.

Fav 18 5109 1910
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.

Fav 25 7076 1344
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party

Fav 10 6285 1716
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.

Fav 16 7101 1097
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?

Fav 29 5862 2534
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."

Fav 25 5825 2861
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.

Fav 6 7467 1293
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation

Fav 15 4654 1512
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.

Fav 18 5125 1438
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now

Fav 31 10066 1718
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.

Fav 33 9232 1481
share tweet
(909): View more from California

The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."

Fav 20 9154 1824
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"

Fav 16 2229 5288
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.

Fav 25 5404 4083
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship

Fav 21 4694 1714
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?

Fav 12 1521 4268
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store

Fav 8 6520 1413
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.

Fav 10 5158 1672
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.

Fav 31 7024 1573
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one

Fav 54 11592 1817
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"

Fav 11 8058 1428
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast

Fav 39 7218 1460
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..

Fav 15 5701 1825
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night

Fav 28 5383 1375
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me

Fav 20 6893 1379
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job

Fav 62 6988 2334
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.

Fav 41 13366 1859
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.

Fav 16 9053 1681
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy

Fav 31 6006 1572
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.

Fav 42 12885 1695
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night

Fav 8 4696 1064
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.

Fav 38 8276 1857
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

K. On the way. I need a drink.

(904): View more from Florida

Like a drink drink or like water?

(601): View more from Mississippi

Have we met?

Fav 10 6670 1375
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.

Fav 18 6529 1958
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.

Fav 40 6107 2103
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.

(419): View more from Ohio

you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.

Fav 27 4676 1269
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on

Fav 23 5523 1493
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.

Fav 22 5514 1380
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

Fav 32 18761 1881
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

Fav 43 23541 2198
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

Fav 28 7249 1801
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

Fav 22 7678 1458
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.

Fav 28 4139 1742
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"

Fav 41 14366 1973
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.

Fav 9 1145 4494
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.

Fav 8 4627 1392
share tweet
(760): View more from California

Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...

Fav 18 1757 6686
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

So you had sex with my brother?

(1-520): View more from Arizona

It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.

Fav 8 6014 1623
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys

Fav 14 2932 4918
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"

Fav 32 8384 2069
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex

Fav 23 1585 6101
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.

Fav 11 4582 2096
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.

Fav 19 5651 1314
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.

(702): View more from Nevada

now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"

Fav 17 8739 1620
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?

Fav 17 5434 1539
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.

Fav 10 6005 1995
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat

Fav 29 1495 4502
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.

Fav 97 4803 10323
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2

Fav 9 1803 3267
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.

Fav 10 6667 1526
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.

Fav 22 6987 1493
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.

Fav 19 4745 1347
share tweet
(415): View more from California

i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap

Fav 13 1694 5567
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph

Fav 11 5111 1542
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit

Fav 18 4248 1887
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.

Fav 9 6360 1572
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Umm you met him three days ago....

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I said what I said

Fav 30 7943 2014
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"

Fav 19 11273 1630
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

she pinky promised me she was 18

Fav 67 8414 3477
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?

(815): View more from Illinois

Quite the contrary. Sophistication.

Fav 24 7975 1607
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot

Fav 27 7490 1739
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country

Fav 9 5632 1237
share tweet
(03): View more from

you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!

Fav 18 7371 1402
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.

Fav 9 4679 1561
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy

Fav 40 5081 2431
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.

Fav 9 3600 1256
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.

Fav 16 5205 1790
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.

Fav 18 8124 1226
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there

Fav 36 1417 7572
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices

Fav 34 7832 1594
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?

(1-678): View more from Georgia

630.

Fav 22 7137 1579
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.

Fav 8 4063 1678
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.

Fav 23 4860 1599
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.

Fav 23 6850 2178
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.

Fav 17 6648 1550
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.

Fav 39 2228 5813
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

dude how high are you right now?

(256): View more from Alabama

do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

Fav 41 12269 1780
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.

Fav 27 1600 7595
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her

Fav 39 9003 1804
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."

(319): View more from Iowa

Decisions, decisions.

Fav 46 9216 1501
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!

Fav 14 9658 2036
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad

Fav 32 2165 9263
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.

Fav 47 12198 2842
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.

Fav 9 7034 1368
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.

Fav 19 6274 1628
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..

Fav 16 1900 5914
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you

Fav 20 5378 1356
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me

Fav 13 1672 4223
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.

Fav 29 6043 1618
share tweet
(+27): View more from South Africa

My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.

Fav 17 2740 5169
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.

Fav 13 5829 2282
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?

Fav 29 6427 1545
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.

Fav 36 20509 2056
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.

Fav 14 1805 6052
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic

Fav 10 4956 1398
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....

Fav 24 8035 2437
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.

Fav 18 7030 1298
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.

Fav 15 1975 6251
share tweet
(562): View more from California

cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi

Fav 28 4891 2180
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

Fav 58 15472 2160
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.

Fav 21 7512 1782
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.

Fav 66 5977 3123
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"

Fav 8 5149 2379
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.

Fav 43 2849 5351
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.

Fav 13 2768 3454
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.

Fav 28 1522 6461
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

and what did he say?

(614): View more from Ohio

there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.

Fav 51 13679 1687
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.

Fav 20 4869 1225
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat

Fav 11 4632 1788
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.

Fav 16 5789 1532
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

(1-806): View more from Texas

Best pick-up line ever!

Fav 35 10255 1635
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.

Fav 36 16127 1595
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.

Fav 22 4959 2474
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.

Fav 20 4694 1739
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"

(1-440): View more from Ohio

Perfectly normal.

Fav 15 6979 1465
share tweet
(650): View more from California

Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th

Fav 16 2473 4789
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.

(214): View more from Texas

Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.

(817): View more from Texas

You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.

Fav 35 10990 1772
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.

Fav 7 1756 4119
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

there was naked duck duck goose

(703): View more from Virginia

how does that even get suggested?!

(815): View more from Illinois

after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal

Fav 20 8207 1456
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?

Fav 38 6986 2010
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.

Fav 11 3378 1716
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life

Fav 27 7078 1589
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.

Fav 38 11690 1726
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.

(816): View more from Missouri

..So we should take it off Youtube?

Fav 28 11680 2189
share tweet
(626): View more from California

in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"

Fav 19 5500 1722
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.

(410): View more from Maryland

engineering majors are such efficient drunks.

Fav 22 8698 1390
share tweet
(831): View more from California

she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?

Fav 80 14874 2885
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.

Fav 20 4143 2703
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever

Fav 18 6467 1701
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing

Fav 20 6526 1403
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"

Fav 41 5028 9347
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike

(303): View more from Colorado

you still have morals?

(443): View more from Maryland

Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole

Fav 46 10200 1911
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.

Fav 63 5943 1341
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"

Fav 44 8808 1896
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.

Fav 42 6661 2122
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.

Fav 32 990 9010
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone

Fav 20 5792 1584
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'

Fav 20 6214 1895
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.

Fav 13 9159 1467
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?

Fav 178 2139 15102
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.

Fav 35 1592 4402
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.

(1-337): View more from Louisiana

so you admit it was good then??

Fav 27 9116 1460
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.

Fav 16 4084 1110
share tweet
(714): View more from California

walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

(714): View more from California

he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

Fav 44 5324 9045
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?

(1-314): View more from Missouri

God gave us a 4 year grace period.

Fav 29 4252 1486
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.

Fav 29 6860 1446
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old

Fav 35 8949 1842
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.

Fav 26 5998 1260
share tweet
(310): View more from California

thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!

(1-310): View more from California

you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?

Fav 30 12341 1703
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.

Fav 37 5465 1427
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me

Fav 11 6437 1648
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed

Fav 53 11998 1841
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.

Fav 16 6752 1613
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.

Fav 46 2362 5746
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.

Fav 40 6836 1956
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.

Fav 20 6764 1479
share tweet
(925): View more from California

We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous

Fav 62 1248 7204
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer

Fav 32 11539 1647
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?

(1-904): View more from Florida

six.

(904): View more from Florida

Oh, I thought it was higher.

(1-904): View more from Florida

No, that would be the Matt's

Fav 33 7060 1978
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."

Fav 8 1377 6346
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"

Fav 18 5477 2747
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.

Fav 17 2898 4376
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.

Fav 43 12346 1748
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.

Fav 20 1697 4717
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.

Fav 14 7682 1445
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......

Fav 26 1968 7511
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed

Fav 59 13785 2807
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

The police scanner is talking about you again....

Fav 17 9086 1768
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

Fav 51 17987 2069
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore

Fav 37 6970 1701
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.

Fav 36 1697 6460
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.

Fav 19 3283 6283
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.

Fav 10 5458 1463
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job

Fav 46 5051 2211
share tweet