Texts From Last Night · atlfan91's Favorites

Sorry Likterstein hasn't picked any favorites yet.

atlfan91's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(713): View more from Texas

I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.

Fav 2 1243 669
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits

Fav 4 1045 806
share tweet

(585): View more from New York

yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong

Fav 4 884 536
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

Still. Make it happen

Fav 3 1021 693
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.

Fav 11 1978 739
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"

Fav 5 2019 763
share tweet

(830): View more from Texas

A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.

Fav 2 1000 621
share tweet

(347): View more from New York

THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.

Fav 5 800 766
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.

Fav 2 1088 663
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.

(507): View more from Minnesota

I can't wait to read your obituary.

Fav 4 1630 807
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."

Fav 9 755 1255
share tweet

(613): View more from Ontario

There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"

Fav 1 1389 649
share tweet

(805): View more from California

It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!

Fav 5 1749 871
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."

(1-541): View more from Oregon

Finding that toy duck there was weird right?

Fav 0 1003 577
share tweet

(707): View more from California

I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.

Fav 4 1466 639
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.

Fav 3 1518 637
share tweet
(661): View more from California

Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing

Fav 4 1207 688
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...

Fav 6 1065 625
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...

(226): View more from Ontario

did I at least say anything...

(519): View more from Ontario

you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living

Fav 6 2381 811
share tweet
(226): View more from Ontario

While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."

Fav 7 2046 690
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.

(609): View more from New Jersey

eyebrows regrow, your balls dont

Fav 6 1341 649
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat

Fav 1 1023 644
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

You are my mentor.

(276): View more from Virginia

I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.

Fav 4 1629 771
share tweet
(818): View more from California

You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.

Fav 8 1121 601
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.

(720): View more from Colorado

Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?

(303): View more from Colorado

my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are

Fav 9 4279 1723
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.

(1-509): View more from Washington

Yes talking about pockets is classic me.

Fav 0 1301 618
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.

Fav 16 2370 721
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.

Fav 11 1420 638
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.

Fav 5 866 710
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something

Fav 4 1224 698
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.

Fav 13 877 2679
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.

Fav 7 865 1403
share tweet
(325): View more from Texas

Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.

Fav 8 1696 845
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away

Fav 18 1983 1120
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make

Fav 5 2436 1019
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.

(712): View more from Iowa

What's an angry pirate?

(702): View more from Nevada

You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.

Fav 32 1520 2013
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.

Fav 7 1184 639
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it

Fav 9 2122 1079
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".

Fav 20 1898 895
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.

Fav 10 2112 991
share tweet
(661): View more from California

Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.

Fav 12 3622 1161
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.

Fav 62 18815 2675
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.

Fav 20 1889 687
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."

Fav 5 5013 1044
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.

(248): View more from Michigan

...that shit cray.

Fav 14 5320 1126
share tweet
(424): View more from California

You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.

(1-424): View more from California

The hell is wrong with me

Fav 4 1504 1009
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

You eat cookies in the shower?

Fav 10 3561 817
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.

Fav 9 3900 1006
share tweet
(310): View more from California

My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."

(323): View more from California

If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.

Fav 8 3233 1085
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?

Fav 9 2248 848
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..

Fav 12 3424 1002
share tweet
(831): View more from California

I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.

Fav 8 2512 879
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...

Fav 7 2960 993
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

You almost set me on fire last night.

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

You probably deserved it.

Fav 9 3630 988
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Whats the count minus fat chicks?

Fav 28 1533 4131
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?

Fav 26 1572 6311
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!

Fav 12 5002 1054
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..

Fav 39 8586 1137
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?

Fav 12 2493 981
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information

(1-701): View more from North Dakota

walking out with herpes. that would be worse

Fav 12 2852 893
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back

Fav 7 3106 1184
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

You're just horny.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.

Fav 6 3137 976
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...

Fav 19 2459 859
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.

Fav 9 4745 1032
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow

Fav 17 2343 1030
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"

(774): View more from Massachusetts

It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"

Fav 8 2920 1070
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.

Fav 7 2423 940
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

You went to jail last night?!

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

Just a little bit.

Fav 24 4254 1296
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.

Fav 27 3112 1003
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.

Fav 16 875 2519
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

i would punch a child for taco bell

Fav 41 5931 1400
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.

Fav 20 3894 1028
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.

Fav 36 10569 3673
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?

Fav 53 3757 1569
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

(410): View more from Maryland

you are way too vulgar to be a girl

Fav 20 8744 1451
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.

Fav 58 8884 1377
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.

Fav 17 3071 1159
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.

Fav 19 6831 1404
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much

(352): View more from Florida

Like they're going to fly away?

Fav 10 5230 1216
share tweet
(562): View more from California

guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".

Fav 17 7109 1754
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.

Fav 12 3420 1164
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.

Fav 3 2745 994
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.

Fav 5 1997 1555
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.

(562): View more from California

You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.

(714): View more from California

Well someones bitter they didn't get any.

Fav 20 5592 1746
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it

(917): View more from New York City

the suitcase or the dildo?

Fav 39 10687 2004
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.

Fav 21 3560 1146
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies

Fav 11 4619 1219
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.

Fav 22 1766 4238
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.

Fav 4 2188 1001
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.

(301): View more from Maryland

Did you reintroduce yourself?

(407): View more from Florida

He threatened to call the cops.

Fav 8 993 2306
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?

(1-207): View more from Maine

I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.

Fav 5 3110 1155
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.

Fav 59 1604 3131
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.

Fav 18 1858 5730
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Then she called me a home wrecking whore.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.

Fav 15 6386 1511
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.

Fav 31 4236 1830
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

Fav 104 9039 1647
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.

Fav 14 2823 1093
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE

(1-847): View more from Illinois

This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.

Fav 15 4785 1252
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England

Fav 63 17503 1634
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!

(1-903): View more from Texas

What does that even mean?

Fav 30 1567 5504
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?

Fav 104 4277 1140
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?

(1-512): View more from Texas

yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.

Fav 18 4122 998
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Someone's got a whale tail

(1-314): View more from Missouri

A thong is hangin out?

(314): View more from Missouri

No, a fatty following them

Fav 8 1410 1605
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

Fav 190 59122 5679
share tweet
(818): View more from California

dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks

(626): View more from California

well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person

Fav 13 7136 1491
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.

Fav 13 1009 3613
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

your address is 607B right?

(785): View more from Kansas

yeah why?

(913): View more from Kansas

i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it

Fav 11 1472 4334
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.

(1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

at least i was looking out for everybody

Fav 8 4888 924
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.

Fav 6 3540 1129
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude

Fav 9 2620 954
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

There is a new fb quiz: "are you at ypical woman, future ex or from crazy town" - should i take it?

(504): View more from Louisiana

Aren't all three of those the same though?

Fav 2 1449 800
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.

(1-516): View more from New York

True life - we need to smoke together more often

Fav 8 4280 914
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.

Fav 7 6284 1804
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.

Fav 9 2140 1307
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.

(1-714): View more from California

If he was naked that was me.

Fav 10 5158 1013
share tweet
(575): View more from New Mexico

You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.

Fav 4 4920 1496
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.

Fav 18 1317 2508
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.

Fav 4 979 1506
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.

Fav 8 3398 1081
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles

Fav 8 1654 2762
share tweet
(415): View more from California

I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?

(510): View more from California

I hope so

Fav 41 2518 5550
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase

Fav 13 3796 1151
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.

Fav 2 2479 1333
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.

Fav 10 1353 2986
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.

(802): View more from Vermont

So basically you were a dog.

Fav 14 8759 1366
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

Fav 249 68669 3918
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party

Fav 8 4242 1037
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...

Fav 7 2092 1128
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?

(989): View more from Michigan

By definition I think it does.

(810): View more from Michigan

So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.

Fav 33 4046 1005
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.

Fav 19 1634 6575
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.

Fav 7 3625 1655
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head

Fav 22 4942 1334
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.

Fav 15 3330 1041
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"

Fav 6 2303 987
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

I mean not really

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.

Fav 25 3187 1062
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.

Fav 8 2654 857
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.

Fav 12 2801 1179
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)

Fav 13 4467 1188
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Umm you met him three days ago....

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I said what I said

Fav 30 7943 2014
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.

Fav 15 1946 2857
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how

Fav 10 4015 943
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..

Fav 9 1742 840
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Everybody was literally kung fu fighting

Fav 33 11056 1290
share tweet
(619): View more from California

I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.

Fav 54 2110 6218
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.

Fav 19 1448 3348
share tweet
(731): View more from Tennessee

I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.

Fav 5 1291 1897
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone

(1-540): View more from Virginia

I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her

Fav 28 4216 1630
share tweet
(916): View more from California

You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.

Fav 6 4257 1497
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity

Fav 67 12420 1589
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup

Fav 8 1899 940
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee

Fav 15 2078 967
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.

(1-269): View more from Michigan

I just wanted to decorate you...

Fav 8 3877 1126
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism

(917): View more from New York City

cool. same. I'm in class drinking

(646): View more from New York

NOT OKAY

(917): View more from New York City

sorry for partying

(646): View more from New York

THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS

Fav 10 2914 1258
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Why are you speaking in third person?

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.

Fav 5 3632 1113
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

Fav 86 39700 2413
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.

Fav 7 1443 3746
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.

(607): View more from New York

Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.

Fav 7 6224 1375
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.

Fav 10 2938 856
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.

(941): View more from Florida

it was a krispy kreme

Fav 15 5497 1622
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance

Fav 5 1730 792
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love

Fav 41 2774 4706
share tweet
(408): View more from California

man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"

Fav 22 1143 3558
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?

Fav 14 3863 1798
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar

Fav 10 2554 1345
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.

(1-507): View more from Minnesota

We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.

Fav 21 2777 1260
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame

Fav 4 2292 863
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult

Fav 14 1292 2678
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

not the best booty call

(1-217): View more from Illinois

did she squirt?

(217): View more from Illinois

only if tears count

Fav 7 1100 3599
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.

Fav 10 4871 1230
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..

Fav 5 936 3319
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.

Fav 13 6155 1160
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"

(612): View more from Minnesota

Drunk you is pretty stunner.

Fav 9 4570 1231
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.

Fav 4 2359 1188
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg

Fav 3 2001 818
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry

(1-307): View more from Wyoming

I'm hurrying

(307): View more from Wyoming

Dude. She just shit herself.

Fav 21 1227 4449
share tweet
(754): View more from Florida

I feel like the other woman.

(954): View more from Florida

You ARE the other woman.

Fav 19 3496 2057
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.

Fav 27 1232 5985
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.

Fav 91 2155 25270
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa

(603): View more from New Hampshire

I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...

Fav 11 3717 1282
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

I am engaged

(262): View more from Wisconsin

To a real live girl that has met me

Fav 7 1926 922
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing

(206): View more from Washington

and semen

Fav 14 4759 1230
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...

Fav 8 4558 1432
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.

Fav 12 5680 1323
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.

Fav 5 3275 1226
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...

Fav 13 3028 1263
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.

Fav 6 2757 1331
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".

Fav 9 1669 3167
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?

(816): View more from Missouri

um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan

Fav 11 8308 1473
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

RUDE.

(248): View more from Michigan

I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

outsmarted mickey deeeees

Fav 11 3403 1075
share tweet
(415): View more from California

I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with

Fav 82 2753 2396
share tweet
(289): View more from Ontario

Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.

Fav 17 5756 1340
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever

Fav 86 3623 15826
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell

Fav 9 1753 2546
share tweet
(+44): View more from England

You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.

Fav 34 6322 1755
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.

Fav 41 1872 13827
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

There's a dead frog in my kitchen?

(402): View more from Nebraska

Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.

(402): View more from Nebraska

The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"

Fav 34 2422 5029
share tweet
(916): View more from California

I hate ducks.

(916): View more from California

What?

(916): View more from California

they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.

Fav 55 3869 1187
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.

Fav 168 6294 7203
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.

Fav 27 1427 3603
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.

(269): View more from Michigan

Gonna go for any of them?

(248): View more from Michigan

Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.

Fav 33 5109 1298
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.

(1-425): View more from Washington

No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.

Fav 2 2675 1050
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

(905): View more from Ontario

You're fat. Stop making excuses

Fav 70 13890 6051
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?

Fav 45 1837 840
share tweet
(510): View more from California

It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.

Fav 4 2499 949
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.

Fav 8 2910 1065
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.

Fav 9 3516 1199
share tweet
(530): View more from California

You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.

Fav 6 4309 1038
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?

(480): View more from Arizona

You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.

Fav 38 7798 1091
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL

Fav 4 3210 1143
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.

Fav 13 3205 2552
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.

Fav 50 7087 1199
share tweet
(909): View more from California

why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?

Fav 10 4040 1013
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

Ok let me ask a question, does aderall make women less apt to have sex?

(586): View more from Michigan

Cause it just destroys penises

(586): View more from Michigan

Was that inappropriate? I can't gauge these things anymore

Fav 11 1373 1352
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

dude i doubt hes gay

(1-850): View more from Florida

I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!

Fav 24 1437 4533
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

fuck the hobbit

(301): View more from Maryland

what about unicorns?

(732): View more from New Jersey

fuck those pointy horses

Fav 9 3083 1152
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

thats actually pretty good logic

Fav 13 6540 1519
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.

Fav 37 4777 1225
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.

(540): View more from Virginia

You guys make me sad

(703): View more from Virginia

You misspelled jealous there

Fav 23 12232 1870
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".

Fav 39 8784 1262
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."

Fav 18 6578 987
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.

Fav 6 1334 2311
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"

Fav 2 3928 968
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!

Fav 9 3075 1158
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?

Fav 357 1148 8372
share tweet
(956): View more from Texas

Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity

Fav 36 1235 6344
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?

(408): View more from California

oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no

Fav 4 1538 3593
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.

Fav 13 6800 1523
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...

Fav 21 6691 1052
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

and the officer said have you been drinking

(864): View more from South Carolina

and i said NOO SIR.

(864): View more from South Carolina

and he said, I am a woman.

Fav 19 2370 7359
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

bitch

Fav 62 3554 5273
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal

Fav 12 1587 830
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.

(847): View more from Illinois

Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.

Fav 63 3319 6536
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning

(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk

Fav 17 2974 1327
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

Fav 30 19142 1552
share tweet
(925): View more from California

I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me

Fav 26 6412 1101
share tweet
(510): View more from California

In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...

Fav 9 5503 1194
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

ugly people sure do ruin things

Fav 33 1349 3584
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.

Fav 25 7003 1479
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.

(954): View more from Florida

Apparently hers is a theme park.

Fav 8 1383 2347
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"

Fav 45 4277 1414
share tweet
(510): View more from California

Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"

Fav 7 2854 1159
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.

Fav 22 7911 1938
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.

Fav 9 2601 1538
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME

Fav 5 4554 1189
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.

(425): View more from Washington

for sure. did you let him do it?

(206): View more from Washington

thats not the point.

Fav 80 2793 4024
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.

Fav 17 2951 1644
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox

(1-248): View more from Michigan

You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.

Fav 85 3262 9612
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

hey. who tried to drive me home last night?

(904): View more from Florida

not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?

(850): View more from Florida

i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.

Fav 33 22362 2581
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting

Fav 5 4279 1396
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.

Fav 17 13202 2112
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends

Fav 32 1342 8590
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I honestly don't know what to make of that.

(423): View more from Tennessee

A ham sandwich would be nice.

Fav 16 8166 1577
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens

Fav 49 855 3629
share tweet
(650): View more from California

I feel great

(650): View more from California

I just peed on a car

Fav 8 3193 892
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead

Fav 17 6424 1396
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.

Fav 47 23059 1506
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

Call me "white mamba"

(334): View more from Alabama

Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake

(251): View more from Alabama

It is white.

Fav 5 1431 1854
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine

(303): View more from Colorado

Oh and I threw up on myself...

Fav 41 2025 7609
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.

Fav 25 7656 1490
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

Fav 81 46060 2516
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.

Fav 5 1620 3216
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?

(1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.

Fav 25 5140 1279
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.

Fav 13 5188 931
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.

Fav 21 2210 8728
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple

(1-631): View more from New York

whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?

Fav 31 4746 1843
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Chicken burrito, or no deal.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

Is that code for my vagina?

(402): View more from Nebraska

Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito

Fav 30 4686 1344
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"

Fav 19 1875 3575
share tweet
(380): View more from Ohio

She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time

Fav 5 1472 2914
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians

Fav 3 2460 1007
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.

Fav 10 6678 1483
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.

(631): View more from New York

i got hit in the ear.

Fav 6 2659 1432
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY

(614): View more from Ohio

handstands? WTF?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

she was a gymnast

(614): View more from Ohio

go to hell.

Fav 9 3343 946
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.

Fav 6 1162 3568
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was

Fav 51 1401 9295
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

Fav 31 20936 1956
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too

Fav 17 3622 879
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

She acts like you when your on meds

(510): View more from California

She acts like batman?

Fav 17 6770 1171
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first

(206): View more from Washington

You are the luckiest man alive

Fav 16 11136 2014
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!

(708): View more from Illinois

Did someone propose they get off the stage?

Fav 15 2619 865
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.

Fav 14 4412 2004
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.

Fav 7 6472 1316
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.

Fav 71 4472 2094
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK

Fav 10 1677 3283
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?

Fav 22 1430 6083
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.

(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, its January.

(970): View more from Colorado

We're going to do the voices too.

Fav 13 5781 1243
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

im bored tell me something entertaining

(206): View more from Washington

You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.

Fav 48 1928 10189
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it

Fav 9 2223 1190
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".

Fav 8 2781 1205
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.

Fav 14 1177 4260
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either

Fav 5 3141 1195
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

How did you break your hand eating pizza?

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Boxes are hard to see rocks through.

Fav 7 3002 1177
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

Thanks, mom.

Fav 25 2302 4968
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where the hell are you

(706): View more from Georgia

He's winning.

Fav 23 6117 1557
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

where the hell would u of bought a deer

Fav 9 3218 1094
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..

Fav 9 4356 812
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?

Fav 18 1445 3243
share tweet
(+45): View more from Denmark

Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.

Fav 9 5497 1479
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

Fav 131 21206 2962
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon

(1-503): View more from Oregon

all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis

Fav 26 5245 1163
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.

Fav 10 1483 3949
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.

Fav 27 6405 1951
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.

Fav 12 5081 1443
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.

Fav 21 6060 1466
share tweet
(308): View more from Nebraska

I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.

(402): View more from Nebraska

but it's kind of a high honor.

Fav 30 1636 6319
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"

Fav 18 6929 1478
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.

Fav 17 6775 1181
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.

(256): View more from Alabama

Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.

Fav 54 5475 1217
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

coke and sex party at dan's

(201): View more from New Jersey

im watching greys anatomy with megan...

(973): View more from New Jersey

wha-pishhh

Fav 51 1522 4858
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.

(1-513): View more from Ohio

She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.

(513): View more from Ohio

She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.

Fav 35 1780 5298
share tweet
(858): View more from California

You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.

Fav 19 13055 1324
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.

Fav 8 4966 1331
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

Fav 106 39928 2450
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

this is really not the time to pretend we have morals

Fav 10 5269 1372
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.

Fav 20 3126 1035
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"

Fav 12 5936 1564
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me

Fav 17 4556 1601
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.

Fav 29 15365 1482
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

u cheatin on me?

(1-434): View more from Virginia

if i did i would try to upgrade babe.

Fav 4 1128 1434
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"

(305): View more from Florida

does that mean he doesn't last long?

Fav 10 1113 3920
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.

Fav 50 10333 2798
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.

(773): View more from Illinois

You spelled "worthless" wrong.

Fav 67 1953 9162
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

Fav 134 45579 2414
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz

Fav 87 16562 3469
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life

Fav 10 6636 1270
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave

(703): View more from Virginia

and miss being on the news....no way

Fav 21 9195 1574
share tweet
(243): View more from

the bitch is dead man

(1-243): View more from

YOUR DOG DIED?

(243): View more from

no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.

Fav 3 1728 956
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word

Fav 57 2126 21467
share tweet
(714): View more from California

walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

(714): View more from California

he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

Fav 44 5324 9045
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.

Fav 10 5612 1298
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I think I just saw someone hide a body.

Fav 13 1964 3094
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?

Fav 41 7042 1169
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"

Fav 17 6731 1440
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her

(860): View more from Connecticut

but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"

(860): View more from Connecticut

but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies

Fav 42 3055 1390
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.

Fav 32 6670 1997
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her

Fav 12 1058 2572
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk

Fav 7 4747 1689
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

I should injure you considerably.

Fav 86 4407 1896
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"

(314): View more from Missouri

did it work

(573): View more from Missouri

that's not the point...

Fav 74 10042 1465
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.

(913): View more from Kansas

Nobody is perfect

(816): View more from Missouri

I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other

Fav 12 8184 1427
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings

(856): View more from New Jersey

youre going to kill that woman one of these days

Fav 25 4512 1008
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN

Fav 15 7469 1493
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.

(409): View more from Texas

That was definitely the right answer.

Fav 19 7180 1592
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".

Fav 17 8077 1415
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.

Fav 18 4405 1050
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.

Fav 70 10806 1666
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said

(770): View more from Georgia

she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to

(404): View more from Georgia

You KNEW her power was out...

Fav 39 12381 1431
share tweet
(905): View more from Toronto

Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..

(1-905): View more from Toronto

With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.

Fav 34 20581 2710
share tweet
(559): View more from California

my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding

Fav 13 5904 997
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?

Fav 28 2853 1066
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

Why are you ignoring all of my texts?

(1-765): View more from Indiana

The power was out.

Fav 17 1598 4543
share tweet
(916): View more from California

Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?

(760): View more from California

You are my hero

Fav 36 7663 1492
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent

Fav 14 7016 2155
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.

Fav 200 8449 3061
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

(508): View more from Massachusetts

what was i wearing?

(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing

Fav 22 15629 1739
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

You got my ass fired just for knowing you

(479): View more from Arkansas

thanks for the bacon

Fav 19 5964 1679
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on

Fav 24 921 5415
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!

Fav 63 7952 1497
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever

(615): View more from Tennessee

She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister

Fav 89 8203 1840
share tweet
(310): View more from California

your room smells of hookers.

(904): View more from Florida

And success

Fav 10 2246 859
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...

Fav 26 2551 3631
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.

Fav 34 4020 901
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening

Fav 17 1920 5230
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?

(573): View more from Missouri

I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up

(314): View more from Missouri

Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?

Fav 19 1696 2149
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her

Fav 20 1349 2255
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Have you learned any life lessons?

(406): View more from Montana

I like big butts and I cannot lie.

Fav 11 3371 1127
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant

(360): View more from Washington

At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats

Fav 5 939 2472
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.

Fav 8 3458 1121
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"

Fav 10 4370 1238
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?

Fav 3 2373 1116
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.

Fav 6 4653 1100
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.

Fav 8 3660 1018
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".

Fav 16 4164 1768
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.

Fav 13 3487 1537
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.

(1-419): View more from Ohio

it's a Wednesday?

(419): View more from Ohio

:)

Fav 4 3466 1229
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

Anal.

Fav 23 3732 1196
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.

Fav 13 4876 1737
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

Fav 69 39791 2527
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.

Fav 8 1148 4561
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Was it cool?

(1-904): View more from Florida

About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.

Fav 31 1077 7914
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick

Fav 10 6405 1785
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.

Fav 3 4394 1334
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight

Fav 69 1591 9393
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

Fav 355 8567 49744
share tweet
(619): View more from California

you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog

(716): View more from New York

do you not see the irony in that??

Fav 73 16812 1657
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.

Fav 60 2676 5455
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Dude. Creed is coming in september.

(1-817): View more from Texas

We're no longer friends.

Fav 43 1613 4429
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.

Fav 228 2726 4908
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.

Fav 11 3729 931
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

Fav 111 40363 3926
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

i dont know what to do

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

with your life?

(732): View more from New Jersey

no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3

Fav 17 5367 2613
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.

(859): View more from Kentucky

i did. i'm using it as a microphone.

Fav 8 3382 900
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?

Fav 22 2310 4413
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.

Fav 59 11642 1649
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I think we should see other people.

(1-207): View more from Maine

Already working on it.

Fav 12 6333 1906
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.

(614): View more from Ohio

Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.

Fav 27 3810 832
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

where are you

(303): View more from Colorado

in your bedroom

(602): View more from Arizona

how did you get in

(303): View more from Colorado

your wife…

(602): View more from Arizona

WTF

Fav 6 1574 2609
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Umm..who the fuck is this?

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Oh shit

Fav 54 2467 6780
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.

(919): View more from North Carolina

If you're joking I'm going to be sad

Fav 40 9506 1155
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.

(248): View more from Michigan

hah, sarcasm, classic

Fav 10 2821 1267
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.

Fav 71 1022 5063
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.

(240): View more from Maryland

What a good friend

Fav 6 1741 789
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs

Fav 27 5546 1021
share tweet
(435): View more from Utah

She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.

Fav 29 7341 1361
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.

Fav 38 2951 6672
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?

(828): View more from North Carolina

how high are you?

Fav 59 12917 2203
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink

Fav 9 6735 1597
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.

Fav 16 6912 1402
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.

Fav 33 4472 1239
share tweet
(925): View more from California

So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.

Fav 22 9185 1715
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

she's naming her girl london marie

(519): View more from Ontario

that kid will be born with a tramp stamp

Fav 21 1247 3233
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.

Fav 19 1781 2738
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.

Fav 19 2885 6425
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?

(703): View more from Virginia

I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.

Fav 37 3268 1333
share tweet
(858): View more from California

I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth

(1-858): View more from California

Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?

Fav 10 1019 5527
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.

Fav 10 3536 1369
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night

Fav 11 1160 4188
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Why is there a cactus in the microwave?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Don't worry about it.

Fav 25 11217 1341
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"

(973): View more from New Jersey

What's this douchebags name?

(908): View more from New Jersey

Rob...

Fav 67 8122 4288
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga

Fav 29 13800 1452
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?

Fav 22 2106 4274
share tweet
(905): View more from Toronto

No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags

Fav 24 1976 4355
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I think I'm in Tiajuana

(404): View more from Georgia

You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago

(706): View more from Georgia

I could be

Fav 13 2531 995
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

Fav 80 32308 1629
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.

Fav 19 4312 1068
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

I like it rough

Fav 38 7189 1992
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

What did you cook with whisky?

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We started a fire.

Fav 11 6438 1598
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell

Fav 4 2885 1255
share tweet
(925): View more from California

GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.

(1-925): View more from California

Wtf it's a Friday night?

(925): View more from California

PRIORITIZE.

Fav 20 1947 3314
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.

Fav 23 4078 1497
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.

Fav 36 7108 2797
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.

Fav 38 4778 7822
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.

Fav 62 5868 1076
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.

(1-214): View more from Texas

You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously

Fav 29 1223 2696
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"

(1-205): View more from Alabama

if you ask that question again our friendship is over

Fav 19 4077 1086
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

Fav 207 53714 3599
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

You feel like going out tonight?

(1-212): View more from New York

Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle

Fav 5 1616 1112
share tweet
(858): View more from California

Fuck U Mike is a golden god.

(504): View more from Louisiana

Mike give steph back her phone.

Fav 9 3630 986
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.

(818): View more from California

Punch her baby.

Fav 59 6898 1390
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

How drunk are you??

(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm flawless.

Fav 8 2650 989
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

Fav 109 45416 2757
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high

Fav 90 12656 1530
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers

(1-205): View more from Alabama

yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....

Fav 62 11074 1183
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.

Fav 13 814 3627
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.

Fav 9 2785 1163
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.

(352): View more from Florida

Just realized these events may be related.

Fav 21 7093 2675
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!

Fav 30 9641 1025
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.

Fav 278 5207 70032
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"

Fav 5 2637 1346
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?

(816): View more from Missouri

yes. helicopter.

Fav 19 5931 1334
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it

(1-434): View more from Virginia

but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text

(434): View more from Virginia

then give me ur phone

(1-434): View more from Virginia

NEVER!!

Fav 3 1599 816
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?

Fav 16 1306 8078
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

Hi, my name's audrey!

(614): View more from Ohio

Max?

(740): View more from Ohio

Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.

Fav 31 6485 1295
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.

(360): View more from Washington

I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.

Fav 92 5107 1381
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS

(1-912): View more from Georgia

dude...come out of the closet already

Fav 40 2273 4907
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors

Fav 25 3091 1127
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

capris are just wrong

(703): View more from Virginia

its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"

Fav 55 1280 2851
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.

(541): View more from Oregon

Together?

(847): View more from Illinois

Preferably.

Fav 21 3630 873
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents

(1-519): View more from Ontario

I'm down.

Fav 23 3379 1248
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"

Fav 71 8756 1333
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I just did the classiest thing ever.

(216): View more from Ohio

last time you said that you got chlamydia.

Fav 19 1918 6832
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.

Fav 4 973 2277
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something

Fav 28 8042 2165
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Getting food. Want anything?

(1-949): View more from California

Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce

Fav 7 2392 975
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.

Fav 12 1249 4014
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Why am I even shocked you're doing this....

Fav 11 6580 1474
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?

Fav 111 12909 1901
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN

Fav 6 1144 3721
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat

Fav 6 3182 942
share tweet
(650): View more from California

Why were you high on a thursday?

(1-650): View more from California

today's a wednesday

(650): View more from California

I asked first.

Fav 9 2789 811
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.

Fav 30 870 2646
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"

Fav 16 1868 6734
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?

Fav 8 3994 1121
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you

Fav 9 5590 1262
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices

Fav 34 7832 1594
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh

(1-219): View more from Indiana

wow.

Fav 38 7035 3217
share tweet
(805): View more from California

she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.

Fav 12 1716 1967
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.

Fav 8 6431 1482
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.

(407): View more from Florida

i think you have the wrong number

(813): View more from Florida

so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.

Fav 70 7453 1016
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.

(510): View more from California

YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fav 133 1672 30336
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)

Fav 5 2764 2076
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.

Fav 31 1103 8974
share tweet
(925): View more from California

don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement

(510): View more from California

big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.

Fav 11 6997 1567
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.

Fav 28 3080 12625
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.

Fav 131 8246 2543
share tweet
(714): View more from California

My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.

Fav 15 5679 1582
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy

Fav 16 6908 1513
share tweet
(650): View more from California

How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?

Fav 28 1445 5017
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.

Fav 12 1062 3404
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.

Fav 34 2831 11410
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.

Fav 33 5987 1725
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life

(541): View more from Oregon

Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard

Fav 27 3256 6857
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!

Fav 15 5226 2127
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

batman just walked across the sidewalk

(1-630): View more from Illinois

lay off the drugs

(630): View more from Illinois

no for real he was wearing a cape

Fav 16 5274 912
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

What are we going to do tonight?

(704): View more from North Carolina

What we try to do every night. Take over the world

Fav 30 4919 1152
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.

Fav 19 4395 1527
share tweet
(310): View more from California

ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

Fav 175 7683 81665
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.

Fav 6 4399 1354
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.

Fav 13 5206 1159
share tweet
(489): View more from

watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .

Fav 48 6195 1425
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire

Fav 6 1190 2005
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.

Fav 8 8572 1309
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.

Fav 85 11154 2920
share tweet
(510): View more from California

I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.

Fav 13 9071 968
share tweet
(714): View more from California

she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.

Fav 12 920 3267
share tweet
(323): View more from California

this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude

(765): View more from Indiana

call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing

Fav 41 2050 3604
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

We need to rekindle our bromance

Fav 48 9049 1747
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?

(1-870): View more from Arkansas

well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic

(870): View more from Arkansas

what chic?

Fav 21 1891 2267
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down

Fav 48 5530 1342
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome

Fav 23 5161 1143
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.

Fav 27 5392 984
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

Fav 111 47669 3211
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.

Fav 74 4482 2211
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

im so drunk with asians

(1-614): View more from Ohio

where?

(614): View more from Ohio

always

Fav 43 7808 1138
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

Fav 44 17662 1752
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.

Fav 7 3606 1248
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.

Fav 7 4493 1124
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?

(1-703): View more from Virginia

yes

(703): View more from Virginia

... don't judge me

Fav 20 4294 1258
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?

Fav 12 2760 861
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)

(708): View more from Illinois

WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE

Fav 9 6514 1513
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...

(1-937): View more from Ohio

I see you've learned your lesson.

Fav 12 6917 1279
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.

Fav 36 11322 1262
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

Party in the USA is so catchy!

(863): View more from Florida

Yea, so is AIDS.

Fav 87 11984 2460
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

i want to fuck

(320): View more from Minnesota

?

(701): View more from North Dakota

it's pretty self explanatory

Fav 62 7964 1296
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone

Fav 14 3622 1739
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!

(248): View more from Michigan

She can rap better than you any day

Fav 4 2984 1196
share tweet
(408): View more from California

hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner

(1-408): View more from California

if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends

Fav 29 4971 1352
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...

Fav 2 3613 1116
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.

Fav 27 10293 1134
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

(713): View more from Texas

lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

Fav 21 11548 1663
share tweet
(132): View more from

if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder

Fav 43 1780 1284
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..

(1-540): View more from Virginia

What did u do?

(540): View more from Virginia

turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..

Fav 50 11658 1421
share tweet
(415): View more from California

WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!

(650): View more from California

LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!

Fav 4 1459 1225
share tweet
(805): View more from California

Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"

Fav 41 8703 1861
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol

Fav 14 4259 905
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

hot girl, 5 o clock

(1-630): View more from Illinois

do you know how to read a clock?

Fav 17 1725 3269
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.

(248): View more from Michigan

who is this?

Fav 4 1415 1367
share tweet
(862): View more from New Jersey

dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off

Fav 4 2861 1387
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.

Fav 5 1009 2617
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.

Fav 44 5785 1163
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops

Fav 45 10970 1380
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.

Fav 65 14165 1186
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.

Fav 20 6550 1556
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??

Fav 15 3055 1158
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted

Fav 6 3788 1201
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

either way. win, win.

Fav 37 3649 933
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.

Fav 15 3517 1103
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp

Fav 9 1587 2948
share tweet
(408): View more from California

Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape

Fav 10 4380 1813
share tweet
(949): View more from California

It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.

Fav 5 2645 1225
share tweet
(905): View more from Toronto

I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater

Fav 19 1197 3520
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

Fav 34 19333 1854
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...

(1-850): View more from Florida

that makes sense.

Fav 16 7687 1126
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.

Fav 45 1985 9956
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?

(585): View more from New York

hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that

(516): View more from New York

is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?

Fav 139 8185 1578
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot

Fav 60 1124 4217
share tweet
(818): View more from California

hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win

Fav 14 8699 943
share tweet
(310): View more from California

He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna

Fav 9 6176 2088
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!

Fav 63 8486 3669
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

Fav 69 28897 3779
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer

(678): View more from Georgia

you spelled her name wrong

(404): View more from Georgia

not you too!!

Fav 49 1853 4839
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.

(608): View more from Wisconsin

Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.

Fav 66 5007 1603
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.

Fav 57 5035 1661
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.

Fav 11 3730 1294
share tweet
(714): View more from California

So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him

Fav 113 8285 1575
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.

Fav 9 3865 1891
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.

Fav 22 932 1699
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.

(1-801): View more from Utah

We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.

(801): View more from Utah

I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!

Fav 31 7486 1151
share tweet
(310): View more from California

it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined

Fav 15 8887 1159
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

Fav 58 12695 1532
share tweet
(681): View more from West Virginia

Where are I am going home with Ryan

(601): View more from Mississippi

I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it

Fav 19 2188 2833
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome

Fav 18 2775 965
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.

Fav 13 5830 2212
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.

Fav 44 6447 1458
share tweet
(209): View more from California

Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?

Fav 53 3771 968
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.

Fav 22 2277 9000
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks

Fav 49 4877 1588
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.

Fav 28 7551 1290
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.

Fav 20 6527 1048
share tweet
(831): View more from California

I puked off the balcony.

(1-831): View more from California

Not horrible

(831): View more from California

Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.

Fav 11 2720 9413
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/

(973): View more from New Jersey

Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.

(859): View more from Kentucky

Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?

Fav 15 1236 1593
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

Fav 44 15607 1981
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!

(315): View more from New York

... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...

Fav 19 1887 4877
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out

Fav 13 9111 1496
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.

Fav 29 8910 1332
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.

Fav 18 3623 2844
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized

(914): View more from New York

No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."

Fav 23 3550 1062
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.

Fav 111 7074 2868
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"

Fav 20 1337 5778
share tweet
(415): View more from California

How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?

Fav 27 1927 4025
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

My Higher Power is John Stamos

Fav 11 2472 1060
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"

Fav 10 5673 1581
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

ID DO HER

(1-904): View more from Florida

SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK

Fav 17 984 7035
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty

Fav 31 1436 4302
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes

Fav 8 1255 3525
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.

Fav 29 9453 1919
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

Can I come over?

(786): View more from Florida

Can't... I'm at class right now.

(305): View more from Florida

No your not

(305): View more from Florida

I'm outside by your car.

Fav 21 1088 2421
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.

Fav 13 1414 7048
share tweet
(714): View more from California

there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.

Fav 10 2723 1330
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.

Fav 16 4539 2192
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?

Fav 23 2619 1429
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"

Fav 7 7348 1432
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian

Fav 30 7268 3267
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

i can juggle bunnies

(1-802): View more from Vermont

cool

(802): View more from Vermont

on fire

Fav 11 3487 1251
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...

Fav 51 11195 2032
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.

Fav 39 4325 1464
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"

Fav 21 12024 1297
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome

Fav 8 5403 1731
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.

Fav 52 2768 8402
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.

Fav 18 6231 1422
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?

Fav 25 2264 4629
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again

Fav 6 3732 1141
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties

Fav 16 5614 1299
share tweet
(580): View more from Oklahoma

You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.

Fav 37 9678 1869
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.

Fav 2 1303 3338
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

wrong number but thanks

Fav 18 8418 1151
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I hate bills.

(479): View more from Arkansas

Like ones you have to pay or people named William?

Fav 11 2961 1027
share tweet
(562): View more from California

tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will

(714): View more from California

and a girl gets the red ring of death every month

Fav 59 6430 1721
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

I'll bet she douches with gravy.

Fav 6 958 3468
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

Fav 98 42079 2249
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?

Fav 12 5518 1785
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!

(806): View more from Texas

wasnt one 13?

Fav 58 1258 3886
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.

(336): View more from North Carolina

"people in the room" being me.

Fav 12 5970 1645
share tweet
(925): View more from California

you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race

Fav 8 4487 1185
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"

(312): View more from Illinois

Prob not but she was surprised

Fav 2 2051 969
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.

Fav 14 1972 4936
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring

(989): View more from Michigan

i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me

Fav 21 7256 1373
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

I think she gave up trying 2 land a bf and let herself go

(313): View more from Michigan

You misogynist thinking that every girl wants a bf

(734): View more from Michigan

They do. I don't appreciate u using big words idk and im gonna take offense

Fav 2 1723 914
share tweet
(320): View more from Minnesota

A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.

Fav 41 2749 5564
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

Fav 65 17355 1782
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.

Fav 19 1335 4872
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

Fav 176 53654 6694
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.

Fav 31 11102 1628
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him

Fav 144 18334 3511
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

what did you hear about me?

(630): View more from Illinois

that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around

(630): View more from Illinois

that was hard to say and not laugh

Fav 13 4937 1266
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell

Fav 51 1590 3816
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.

Fav 17 5393 1556
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.

Fav 140 1223 6271
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.

Fav 14 3379 1320
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.

Fav 15 7450 1470
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit

Fav 12 4565 1307
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.

Fav 9 1690 2657
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay

Fav 16 5546 3890
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.

Fav 31 5916 1420
share tweet
(510): View more from California

turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks

Fav 26 4390 1083
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

Fav 109 41380 2663
share tweet
(559): View more from California

So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?

(1-559): View more from California

That depends on who this is.

Fav 42 15246 2558
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.

Fav 23 1582 4041
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work

Fav 18 6807 1446
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO

(908): View more from New Jersey

dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me

Fav 27 4522 1299
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.

Fav 13 6327 1312
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.

Fav 11 4961 1544
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.

Fav 7 5141 1392
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God

Fav 5 1406 1717
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding

Fav 10 6011 1386
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair

Fav 17 1468 4900
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.

Fav 17 4484 2290
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12

Fav 44 6977 2959
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.

Fav 7 3571 1229
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on

Fav 10 1330 4125
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?

Fav 178 2139 15102
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car

Fav 38 9515 2396
share tweet
(805): View more from California

before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.

Fav 41 5370 1289
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma

Fav 9 1528 3912
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.

Fav 16 2538 932
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.

Fav 27 3315 1336
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again

Fav 37 2141 5690
share tweet
(+26): View more from

Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY

Fav 30 7882 3079
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.

Fav 14 5362 1046
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.

Fav 10 10145 1539
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?

(416): View more from Toronto

Better looking than her though please.

Fav 29 2443 6619
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

Fav 99 27493 1856
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Nice meating you last night

(843): View more from South Carolina

Not a typo

Fav 19 5395 1038
share tweet
(707): View more from California

OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.

(1-707): View more from California

Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.

Fav 11 1963 3580
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.

Fav 358 25036 8200
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.

Fav 6 4419 1330
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

I got chris browned last night

Fav 10 1134 2437
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.

Fav 19 2264 6755
share tweet
(760): View more from California

I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart

(508): View more from Massachusetts

These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work

Fav 15 7886 1235
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you

Fav 39 20274 1573
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.

Fav 7 2377 1130
share tweet
(818): View more from California

remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,

(702): View more from Nevada

Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.

Fav 116 6957 12714
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with

Fav 41 1301 5581
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

Fav 510 88714 9688
share tweet
(559): View more from California

Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.

Fav 14 3458 1812
share tweet
(575): View more from New Mexico

My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.

Fav 13 5220 1446
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!

Fav 28 6891 1900
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

dude you need to get laid

(906): View more from Michigan

me?

(616): View more from Michigan

no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months

(906): View more from Michigan

oh I thought you were talkin about me

(906): View more from Michigan

wait

Fav 10 1638 2382
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek

Fav 5 1215 3864
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

Fav 62 31765 1917
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".

Fav 68 26529 1826
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

Fav 445 115833 11203
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job

Fav 46 5051 2211
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls

(763): View more from Minnesota

is that a poem?!

Fav 55 7866 2263
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

Fav 83 51211 2741
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?

Fav 21 4612 1285
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

Fav 131 63492 2874
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.

(763): View more from Minnesota

ew wtf

Fav 83 1791 8698
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....

Fav 29 6828 1738
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."

Fav 28 7215 1037
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."

Fav 12 5880 1562
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple

Fav 61 1401 6948
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.

(908): View more from New Jersey

Fuck I'm high.

Fav 56 2062 3727
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks

Fav 16 3319 1106
share tweet
(786): View more from Florida

i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"

Fav 6 4495 1323
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm

Fav 10 2952 3693
share tweet
(707): View more from California

I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor

Fav 11 4879 1252
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.

Fav 81 3154 6577
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine

Fav 21 4715 1533
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

Fav 74 19052 1435
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.

Fav 29 1803 8791
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song

Fav 25 10207 1313
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

That's funny. Are they weird looking???

(262): View more from Wisconsin

OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.

Fav 39 9446 1835
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer

Fav 31 11665 1813
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

Fav 124 42105 3339
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.

Fav 40 8059 982
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.

Fav 28 7140 1237
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.

(770): View more from Georgia

WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!

Fav 49 1721 7462
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"

Fav 9 1831 5749
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic

Fav 18 958 3388
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.

Fav 28 1693 5215
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing

Fav 21 5670 2256
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?

Fav 88 1690 10839
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

Fav 214 53081 3394
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?

Fav 39 8740 1227
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.

(917): View more from New York City

I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.

Fav 122 3688 15934
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.

Fav 6 2467 1310
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?

Fav 22 3486 1736
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?

Fav 12 2853 4823
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.

Fav 43 5636 1260
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??

(1-404): View more from Georgia

no.

Fav 21 6771 1047
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from

Fav 69 8025 1312
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..

Fav 61 18439 1590
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

He's been sleeping iwht ***

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Nooo

(816): View more from Missouri

Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb

(816): View more from Missouri

And then hit her in the face with a shovel

Fav 3 1500 2346
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party

Fav 10 1164 4173
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store

Fav 10 8258 1097
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

Fav 298 76383 3431
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor

Fav 5 4773 1152
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch

Fav 7 7340 1399
share tweet
(830): View more from Texas

If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice

Fav 37 4191 1200
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.

Fav 35 1943 9068
share tweet
(310): View more from California

i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."

Fav 87 21058 2047
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.

Fav 34 2729 3146
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.

Fav 20 7593 1032
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

OMG THAT WAS YOU?!

Fav 43 9912 1851
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...

Fav 11 2190 4156
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago

(404): View more from Georgia

so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?

Fav 30 9095 1450
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.

Fav 20 1781 7435
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.

Fav 17 5051 1024
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

(732): View more from New Jersey

like it was yesterday

Fav 20 12261 1657
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.

Fav 23 7005 2478
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old

Fav 35 8949 1842
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.

Fav 19 1937 6614
share tweet
(510): View more from California

And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"

Fav 40 1102 10970
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.

Fav 11 6994 1501
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..

(1-502): View more from Kentucky

Aren't you in 8th grade?

(502): View more from Kentucky

9th, but that's not the point.

Fav 104 6068 4131
share tweet
(626): View more from California

dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.

Fav 66 5774 2379
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

first off, his name is dougie. strike one.

Fav 22 1325 4923
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in

Fav 30 12041 1160
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.

Fav 13 8092 1407
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

I don't want it.

Fav 36 1459 8206
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar

Fav 29 7432 1114
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?

Fav 7 4007 1509
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one

Fav 5 5359 1347
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN

Fav 28 9120 1820
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.

Fav 14 5778 1407
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING

(617): View more from Massachusetts

you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.

Fav 34 8876 1996
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin

Fav 17 3229 1372
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.

Fav 6 5733 1269
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.

Fav 13 1897 3526
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.

Fav 18 6400 1761
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..

Fav 12 1449 4017
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest

Fav 20 5725 2369
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.

Fav 19 2568 6961
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick

Fav 13 3761 1346
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...

Fav 8 3633 1509
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to

Fav 9 5359 1242
share tweet