Texts From Last Night · vickynger's Favorites

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

It's not too late to disappoint her you know...

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(205): View more from Alabama

Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.

(1-205): View more from Alabama

I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy

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(330): View more from Ohio

I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy

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(714): View more from California

She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick

(1-714): View more from California

Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!

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(954): View more from Florida

Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?

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(307): View more from Wyoming

There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one

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(214): View more from Texas

Nothing says love like couples STD testing

(972): View more from Texas

Nothing says breakup like the results

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(310): View more from California

thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.

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(512): View more from Texas

they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze

(1-512): View more from Texas

you have the best friends

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(720): View more from Colorado

His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.

(1-720): View more from Colorado

I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.

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(313): View more from Michigan

You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink

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(406): View more from Montana

Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.

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(210): View more from Texas

The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex

(216): View more from Ohio

Never mind I found pizza just bring sex

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(712): View more from Iowa

Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.

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(386): View more from Florida

I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."

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(435): View more from Utah

Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.

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(630): View more from Illinois

how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend

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(910): View more from North Carolina

She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere

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(443): View more from Maryland

i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream

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(404): View more from Georgia

she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?

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(813): View more from Florida

I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I was told my cock was a religious experience.

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(512): View more from Texas

Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.

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(212): View more from New York

When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.

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(845): View more from New York

Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me

(815): View more from Illinois

I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs

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(250): View more from British Columbia

some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!

(770): View more from Georgia

Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best

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(714): View more from California

Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

No now I'm curious!

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(309): View more from Illinois

well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?

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(360): View more from Washington

So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.

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(301): View more from Maryland

so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards

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(614): View more from Ohio

TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG

(1-614): View more from Ohio

HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS

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(989): View more from Michigan

I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.

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(334): View more from Alabama

thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week

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(319): View more from Iowa

That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Beer bonging to Ave Maria

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.

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(971): View more from Oregon

It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.

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(703): View more from Virginia

He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX

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(874): View more from

I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?

(701): View more from North Dakota

In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!

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(214): View more from Texas

we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked

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(281): View more from Texas

I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.

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(515): View more from Iowa

SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.

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(212): View more from New York

you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window

(212): View more from New York

i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there

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(541): View more from Oregon

I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?

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(734): View more from Michigan

I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.

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(404): View more from Georgia

It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!

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(541): View more from Oregon

It's like the blind leading the senile over here.

(541): View more from Oregon

UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.

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(208): View more from Idaho

He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in

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(702): View more from Nevada

I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?

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(480): View more from Arizona

How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.

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(816): View more from Missouri

no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.

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(559): View more from California

there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache

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(303): View more from Colorado

Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.

(763): View more from Minnesota

like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo

(612): View more from Minnesota

Wat

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(250): View more from British Columbia

i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

Thats why they were on the balcony!

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(727): View more from Florida

I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.

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(206): View more from Washington

i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.

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(703): View more from Virginia

His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.

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(540): View more from Virginia

So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?

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(731): View more from Tennessee

She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.

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(206): View more from Washington

I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again

(1-206): View more from Washington

RESPECT THE VODQUILA

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(312): View more from Illinois

He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.

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(845): View more from New York

The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.

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(661): View more from California

1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.

(1-661): View more from California

1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up

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(919): View more from North Carolina

sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.

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(661): View more from California

u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom

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(940): View more from Texas

She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.

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(209): View more from California

I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.

(209): View more from California

Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.

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(940): View more from Texas

My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!

(940): View more from Texas

HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"

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(928): View more from Arizona

If this party got busted it would be an improvement

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

Dibsssss

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro

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(512): View more from Texas

There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.

(630): View more from Illinois

As weird as it sounds I would totally be down

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.

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(904): View more from Florida

Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.

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(561): View more from Florida

Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut

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(773): View more from Illinois

I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?

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(928): View more from Arizona

It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.

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(561): View more from Florida

Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake

(1-561): View more from Florida

Who the fuck is this

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(813): View more from Florida

IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA

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(740): View more from Ohio

I have a surprise for you guys

(937): View more from Ohio

What is it?

(740): View more from Ohio

A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS

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(740): View more from Ohio

How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?

(1-740): View more from Ohio

2.5

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(509): View more from Washington

As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.

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(614): View more from Ohio

The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?

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(512): View more from Texas

I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?

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(+27): View more from South Africa

Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"

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(330): View more from Ohio

She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.

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(206): View more from Washington

Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self

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(631): View more from New York

His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets

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(802): View more from Vermont

He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?

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(905): View more from Ontario

Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes

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(916): View more from California

I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.

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(434): View more from Virginia

Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.

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(714): View more from California

if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.

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(417): View more from Missouri

how was ur day?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.

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(571): View more from Virginia

Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.

(571): View more from Virginia

just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom

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(707): View more from California

We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.

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(813): View more from Florida

I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.

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(845): View more from New York

i can't find my house

(1-845): View more from New York

we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

(845): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure my house moved.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago

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(519): View more from Ontario

ambylanc

(1-519): View more from Ontario

what?

(519): View more from Ontario

there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.

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(358): View more from

I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.

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(530): View more from California

My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed

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(940): View more from Texas

The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.

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(229): View more from Georgia

I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.

(1-229): View more from Georgia

I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.

(502): View more from Kentucky

Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.

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(410): View more from Maryland

So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.

(443): View more from Maryland

YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?

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(469): View more from Texas

He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...

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(562): View more from California

don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.

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(720): View more from Colorado

ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.

(1-720): View more from Colorado

Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.

(720): View more from Colorado

I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.

(720): View more from Colorado

I rest my case.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.

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(248): View more from Michigan

you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits

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(907): View more from Alaska

My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets

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(604): View more from British Columbia

The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.

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(607): View more from New York

Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.

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(513): View more from Ohio

thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers

(440): View more from Ohio

its only a rough draft.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

10 points to you

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Slow dancing with the chandelier.

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(303): View more from Colorado

so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???

(1-303): View more from Colorado

all of the above

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.

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(260): View more from Indiana

you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you

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(239): View more from Florida

I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling

(1-239): View more from Florida

You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?

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(602): View more from Arizona

just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"

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(504): View more from Louisiana

How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?

(1-504): View more from Louisiana

omg mom no

(504): View more from Louisiana

It's so blood brotha crip what be good

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(801): View more from Utah

If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.

(647): View more from Ontario

Would it have been easier if he talked to her?

(416): View more from Toronto

Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up

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(847): View more from Illinois

Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding

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(520): View more from Arizona

i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.

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(513): View more from Ohio

hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage

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(801): View more from Utah

When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?

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(626): View more from California

So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.

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(817): View more from Texas

Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.

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(534): View more from Wisconsin

He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime

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(860): View more from Connecticut

official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count

(516): View more from New York

then nothing in my life counts

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.

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(469): View more from Texas

HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.

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(989): View more from Michigan

He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.

(1-989): View more from Michigan

I'll uninvite my mom

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.

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(415): View more from California

I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT

(707): View more from California

I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.

(415): View more from California

I effort

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(302): View more from Delaware

Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio

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(817): View more from Texas

Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.

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(315): View more from New York

That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"

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(613): View more from Ontario

I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."

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(214): View more from Texas

Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.

(1-414): View more from Wisconsin

That is like, the point of shorts

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.

(917): View more from New York City

So many issues. You honestly need help.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?

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(626): View more from California

do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?

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(630): View more from Illinois

There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..

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(406): View more from Montana

You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend

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(940): View more from Texas

She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.

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(415): View more from California

Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

You fucker.

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(720): View more from Colorado

The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?

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(281): View more from Texas

Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.

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(845): View more from New York

On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.

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(917): View more from New York City

it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome

(1-917): View more from New York City

second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.

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(719): View more from Colorado

If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.

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(425): View more from Washington

The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other

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(773): View more from Illinois

I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it

(773): View more from Illinois

It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact

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(912): View more from Georgia

Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.

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(281): View more from Texas

JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US

(281): View more from Texas

WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW

(281): View more from Texas

THE REISLING ATRACEX US

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(417): View more from Missouri

I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.

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(817): View more from Texas

Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

So all in all, a good night.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.

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(561): View more from Florida

Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.

(1-561): View more from Florida

How high are you?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.

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(361): View more from Texas

I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body

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(616): View more from Michigan

Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.

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(971): View more from Oregon

I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore

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(201): View more from New Jersey

So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers

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(+49): View more from Germany

I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!

(303): View more from Colorado

It's a Tuesday.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".

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(541): View more from Oregon

Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.

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(917): View more from New York City

You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.

(203): View more from Connecticut

That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue

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(847): View more from Illinois

He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.

(312): View more from Illinois

So... He's a barber?

(847): View more from Illinois

No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?

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(303): View more from Colorado

wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil

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(913): View more from Kansas

When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.

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(954): View more from Florida

it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.

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(631): View more from New York

She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?

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(214): View more from Texas

Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"

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(952): View more from Minnesota

In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking

(920): View more from Wisconsin

All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo

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(802): View more from Vermont

Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.

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(310): View more from California

She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM

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(303): View more from Colorado

Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.

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(613): View more from Ontario

She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy

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(334): View more from Alabama

Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.

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(630): View more from Illinois

He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We don't really communicate like that.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Communicate like what?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.

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(718): View more from New York

you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes

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(952): View more from Minnesota

You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear

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(847): View more from Illinois

I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.

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(408): View more from California

that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.

(1-605): View more from South Dakota

Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.

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(850): View more from Florida

I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.

(239): View more from Florida

that is the opposite of a normal text message.

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(310): View more from California

I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass

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(778): View more from British Columbia

he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year

(604): View more from British Columbia

wow. THAT good huh

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Tiny.

(402): View more from Nebraska

I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.

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(618): View more from Illinois

She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.

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(317): View more from Indiana

It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.

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(817): View more from Texas

Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

he tried to breastfeed my turtle

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.

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(818): View more from California

Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.

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(818): View more from California

I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now

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(720): View more from Colorado

Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups

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(+43): View more from

my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe

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(503): View more from Oregon

you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?

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(416): View more from Toronto

no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us

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(914): View more from New York

I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day

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(240): View more from Maryland

last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours

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(760): View more from California

Why is your vibrator in the fridge?

(1-760): View more from California

I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.

(1-715): View more from Wisconsin

I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.

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(714): View more from California

Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things

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(516): View more from New York

You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum

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(520): View more from Arizona

Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.

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(817): View more from Texas

Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?

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(914): View more from New York

Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.

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(206): View more from Washington

Gong!

(1-253): View more from Washington

YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT

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(636): View more from Missouri

In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.

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(917): View more from New York City

idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now

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(212): View more from New York

That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!

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(415): View more from California

If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft

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(714): View more from California

You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!

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(614): View more from Ohio

Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.

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(415): View more from California

When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

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(418): View more from Quebec

You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?

(815): View more from Illinois

Quite the contrary. Sophistication.

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(310): View more from California

Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?

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(208): View more from Idaho

Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.

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(519): View more from Ontario

she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"

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(303): View more from Colorado

But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist

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(778): View more from British Columbia

When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.

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(419): View more from Ohio

He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.

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(352): View more from Florida

Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.

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(915): View more from Texas

Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired

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(973): View more from New Jersey

DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO

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(406): View more from Montana

the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'

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(714): View more from California

there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.

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(425): View more from Washington

You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.

(206): View more from Washington

The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.

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(917): View more from New York City

SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem

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(404): View more from Georgia

Are you still at the party or did I leave?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.

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(914): View more from New York

Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.

(440): View more from Ohio

The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.

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(310): View more from California

This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous

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(904): View more from Florida

he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...

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(848): View more from New Jersey

Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.

(732): View more from New Jersey

You live a charmed life.

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(630): View more from Illinois

i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.

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(845): View more from New York

From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.

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(830): View more from Texas

I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?

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(575): View more from New Mexico

You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.

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(850): View more from Florida

your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?

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(817): View more from Texas

I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death

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(561): View more from Florida

If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave

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(732): View more from New Jersey

My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.

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(907): View more from Alaska

She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house

(713): View more from Texas

So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?

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(585): View more from New York

In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?

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(517): View more from Michigan

we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

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(702): View more from Nevada

she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.

(702): View more from Nevada

now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"

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(734): View more from Michigan

So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza

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(310): View more from California

I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar

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(519): View more from Ontario

My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.

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(207): View more from Maine

I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.

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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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(302): View more from Delaware

THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA

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(585): View more from New York

I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.

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(802): View more from Vermont

she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.

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(518): View more from New York

September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location

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(831): View more from California

Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.

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(+82): View more from South Korea

Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.

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(419): View more from Ohio

When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.

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(801): View more from Utah

I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.

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(515): View more from Iowa

The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.

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(+41): View more from Switzerland

I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples

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(501): View more from Arkansas

All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.

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(512): View more from Texas

If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Congratulations on your lack of fetus.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You need to be more adventurous.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way

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(336): View more from North Carolina

He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it

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(310): View more from California

I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.

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(801): View more from Utah

He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid

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(845): View more from New York

I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

what about money

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

no - he has a code he lives by

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."

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(702): View more from Nevada

you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.

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(361): View more from Texas

As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.

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(360): View more from Washington

Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.

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(614): View more from Ohio

would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Ask politely.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Thats good enough.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

it is a toga and you are a goddess.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table

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(360): View more from Washington

Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"

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(805): View more from California

What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.

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(714): View more from California

Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast

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(210): View more from Texas

You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.

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(707): View more from California

there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours

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(406): View more from Montana

He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.

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(802): View more from Vermont

my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.

(719): View more from Colorado

she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.

(414): View more from Wisconsin

are you serious?

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(315): View more from New York

We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."

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(217): View more from Illinois

How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???

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(325): View more from Texas

wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"

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(863): View more from Florida

I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..

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(308): View more from Nebraska

I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"

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(336): View more from North Carolina

dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza

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(803): View more from South Carolina

She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"

(864): View more from South Carolina

Olive Garden will never be the same.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on

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(805): View more from California

No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear

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(310): View more from California

Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.

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(714): View more from California

my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.

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(585): View more from New York

N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.

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(316): View more from Kansas

She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick

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(408): View more from California

We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.

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(863): View more from Florida

I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!

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(917): View more from New York City

The cops raided her house the day before class even started

(1-917): View more from New York City

Those assholes are becoming so efficient

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(231): View more from Michigan

I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.

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(845): View more from New York

Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.

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(914): View more from New York

He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.

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(727): View more from Florida

Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.

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(850): View more from Florida

Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.

(1-850): View more from Florida

Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted

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(845): View more from New York

You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey

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(760): View more from California

You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?

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(916): View more from California

When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.

(1-916): View more from California

Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off

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(713): View more from Texas

Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.

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(515): View more from Iowa

She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?

(1-419): View more from Ohio

Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar

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(410): View more from Maryland

that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night

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(417): View more from Missouri

I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.

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(360): View more from Washington

DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

there were a lot.

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(518): View more from New York

she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.

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(416): View more from Toronto

i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?

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(248): View more from Michigan

he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.

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(818): View more from California

Hahah what did you even say to him?!

(805): View more from California

That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?

(818): View more from California

Oh.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window

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(850): View more from Florida

I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.

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(757): View more from Virginia

HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST

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(312): View more from Illinois

I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.

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(323): View more from California

He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Alls I remember is making out with that chick.

(612): View more from Minnesota

Nope that was a dude

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(561): View more from Florida

She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.

(315): View more from New York

How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out

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(407): View more from Florida

If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.

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(404): View more from Georgia

There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase

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(407): View more from Florida

I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.

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(707): View more from California

And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question

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(845): View more from New York

Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers

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(804): View more from Virginia

I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?

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(951): View more from California

He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.

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(229): View more from Georgia

Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..

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(406): View more from Montana

There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland

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(803): View more from South Carolina

i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

Did you watch the carolina game tonight?

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(708): View more from Illinois

Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....

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(231): View more from Michigan

You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.

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(703): View more from Virginia

He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?

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(816): View more from Missouri

I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person

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(631): View more from New York

Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.

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(650): View more from California

Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens

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(516): View more from New York

The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?

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(618): View more from Illinois

i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time

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(480): View more from Arizona

I think this baby is eyeing my beer

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted

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(303): View more from Colorado

I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.

(303): View more from Colorado

well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you

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(317): View more from Indiana

A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Like Teddy Roosevelt

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(505): View more from New Mexico

All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

She bit a glass in half.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever

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(937): View more from Ohio

I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.

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(309): View more from Illinois

adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing

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(805): View more from California

Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate

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(347): View more from New York

the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.

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(707): View more from California

You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?

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(647): View more from Ontario

I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money

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(509): View more from Washington

I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.

(609): View more from New Jersey

That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown

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(260): View more from Indiana

did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?

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(442): View more from California

her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.

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(716): View more from New York

I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?

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(515): View more from Iowa

At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.

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(334): View more from Alabama

Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.

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(928): View more from Arizona

It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.

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(251): View more from Alabama

How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.

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(432): View more from Texas

He looks like he has a penis

(210): View more from Texas

What the fuck

(432): View more from Texas

A good one, a good penis

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(415): View more from California

he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.

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(647): View more from Ontario

so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.

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(352): View more from Florida

she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.

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(707): View more from California

At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING

(617): View more from Massachusetts

you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms

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(609): View more from New Jersey

He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.

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(760): View more from California

If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone

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(314): View more from Missouri

You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.

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(904): View more from Florida

the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm

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(778): View more from British Columbia

He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?

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(251): View more from Alabama

I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.

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(571): View more from Virginia

Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"

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(205): View more from Alabama

Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.

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(620): View more from Kansas

Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.

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(631): View more from New York

Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?

(516): View more from New York

lol... you weighed it?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.

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(707): View more from California

We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.

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(913): View more from Kansas

come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...

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(703): View more from Virginia

You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."

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(519): View more from Ontario

If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.

(913): View more from Kansas

Nobody is perfect

(816): View more from Missouri

I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"

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(250): View more from British Columbia

We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.

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(425): View more from Washington

her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...

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(310): View more from California

I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying

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(225): View more from Louisiana

my head hurts. i need an adult

(225): View more from Louisiana

and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult

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(631): View more from New York

I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.

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(303): View more from Colorado

So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I don't understand but I'll be there in 5

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.

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(917): View more from New York City

The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...

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(240): View more from Maryland

i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch

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(614): View more from Ohio

Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial

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(586): View more from Michigan

Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.

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(512): View more from Texas

I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.

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(407): View more from Florida

If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside

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(910): View more from North Carolina

No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.

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(905): View more from Ontario

All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.

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(540): View more from Virginia

i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

You should probably take note of that and make it happen.

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(905): View more from Ontario

If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.

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(563): View more from Iowa

he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.

(216): View more from Ohio

this is the second day in a row.

(330): View more from Ohio

Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.

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(619): View more from California

Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.

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(716): View more from New York

She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever

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(207): View more from Maine

When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.

(1-207): View more from Maine

That's not what Jesus is for

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(231): View more from Michigan

Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

Am I going to be on condom boxes?

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(574): View more from Indiana

My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.

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(914): View more from New York

Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.

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(206): View more from Washington

we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment

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(509): View more from Washington

I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.

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(519): View more from Ontario

yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.

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(650): View more from California

Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"

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(505): View more from New Mexico

You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..

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(737): View more from Texas

Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.

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(719): View more from Colorado

What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?

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(708): View more from Illinois

i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

A true beacon of hope in these dark times

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him

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(636): View more from Missouri

Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?

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(816): View more from Missouri

So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta

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(765): View more from Indiana

He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.

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(309): View more from Illinois

He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.

(1-309): View more from Illinois

Again?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.

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(410): View more from Maryland

That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.

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(760): View more from California

Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock

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(407): View more from Florida

Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.

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(248): View more from Michigan

You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?

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(308): View more from Nebraska

He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.

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(210): View more from Texas

The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced

(210): View more from Texas

The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks

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(256): View more from Alabama

Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.

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(206): View more from Washington

Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex

(773): View more from Illinois

SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?

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(760): View more from California

can you blow me for old times sake

(951): View more from California

only for old times sake

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(619): View more from California

I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry

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(434): View more from Virginia

You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.

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(586): View more from Michigan

so how was last night?

(1-586): View more from Michigan

got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.

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(314): View more from Missouri

In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him

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(520): View more from Arizona

U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru

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(254): View more from Texas

Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be

(254): View more from Texas

Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.

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(858): View more from California

Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...

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(240): View more from Maryland

Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

(732): View more from New Jersey

like it was yesterday

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(516): View more from New York

WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE

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(908): View more from New Jersey

he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward

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(778): View more from British Columbia

it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body

(1-778): View more from British Columbia

I wish I could understand how you function in society

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.

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(512): View more from Texas

Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?

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(614): View more from Ohio

I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.

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(303): View more from Colorado

exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".

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(631): View more from New York

these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.

(631): View more from New York

i got hit in the ear.

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(623): View more from Arizona

I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.

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(571): View more from Virginia

Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?

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(561): View more from Florida

I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you

(860): View more from Connecticut

I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.

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(323): View more from California

There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream

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(847): View more from Illinois

Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.

(847): View more from Illinois

It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.

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(705): View more from Ontario

I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."

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(775): View more from Nevada

Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.

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(408): View more from California

his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out

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(214): View more from Texas

I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up

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(620): View more from Kansas

If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no

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(903): View more from Texas

How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!

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(727): View more from Florida

Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?

(1-727): View more from Florida

I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...

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(317): View more from Indiana

No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".

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(404): View more from Georgia

Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.

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(925): View more from California

The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves

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(347): View more from New York

I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.

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(303): View more from Colorado

The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Last time i carry you out of a forest

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(904): View more from Florida

Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

Sunday is the day of rest.

(857): View more from Massachusetts

As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.

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(513): View more from Ohio

So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.

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(313): View more from Michigan

The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.

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(209): View more from California

I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.

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(254): View more from Texas

I have a surprise for you

(1-254): View more from Texas

Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!

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(785): View more from Kansas

Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??

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(513): View more from Ohio

I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.

(1-704): View more from North Carolina

I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.

(704): View more from North Carolina

Dude, you are the most awesome.

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(707): View more from California

He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.

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(917): View more from New York City

I just don't do feelings in the summer months.

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(518): View more from New York

Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.

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(478): View more from Georgia

IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV

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(757): View more from Virginia

It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.

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(909): View more from California

He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow

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(+61): View more from Australia

He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.

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(914): View more from New York

The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band

(312): View more from Illinois

Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.

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(916): View more from California

Yep. How's your hangover?

(1-916): View more from California

It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.

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(678): View more from Georgia

You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.

(1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.

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(714): View more from California

sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!

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(336): View more from North Carolina

he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service

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(602): View more from Arizona

hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse

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(970): View more from Colorado

Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.

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(415): View more from California

Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.

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(425): View more from Washington

Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while

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(817): View more from Texas

Do you have any booze?

(214): View more from Texas

Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?

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(210): View more from Texas

He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now

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(207): View more from Maine

Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.

(1-207): View more from Maine

They want yo temporarily sterile ass.

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(206): View more from Washington

Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.

(1-206): View more from Washington

Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?

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(513): View more from Ohio

It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.

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(212): View more from New York

He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

I can't answer my phone I'm at work

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Cute underage boy is in my house.

(410): View more from Maryland

OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew

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(443): View more from Maryland

okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.

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(209): View more from California

High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily

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(807): View more from Ontario

It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.

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(512): View more from Texas

Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me

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(847): View more from Illinois

Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook

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(801): View more from Utah

He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.

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(88): View more from

Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Here's my first problem: I'm drunk

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(541): View more from Oregon

They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.

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(303): View more from Colorado

dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.

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(585): View more from New York

The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.

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(773): View more from Illinois

She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs

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(469): View more from Texas

Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...

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(404): View more from Georgia

Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?

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(512): View more from Texas

In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.

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(248): View more from Michigan

no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories

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(214): View more from Texas

I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep

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(916): View more from California

Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash

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(214): View more from Texas

Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

People are yelling about how much they want you here.

(563): View more from Iowa

I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.

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(516): View more from New York

its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems

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(386): View more from Florida

I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed

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(925): View more from California

IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE

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(319): View more from Iowa

Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was

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(949): View more from California

You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?

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(541): View more from Oregon

just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..

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(630): View more from Illinois

she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her

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(778): View more from British Columbia

No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'

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(562): View more from California

Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.

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(516): View more from New York

I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?

(1-516): View more from New York

I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.

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(313): View more from Michigan

My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real

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(731): View more from Tennessee

She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro

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(352): View more from Florida

She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great

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(513): View more from Ohio

Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?

(505): View more from New Mexico

yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...

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(830): View more from Texas

No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her

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(931): View more from Tennessee

please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice

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(936): View more from Texas

You can't call dibs 8 years later.

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(561): View more from Florida

he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him

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(816): View more from Missouri

Absence makes the cock grow harder.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.

(870): View more from Arkansas

Birthday success

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.

(540): View more from Virginia

I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.

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(815): View more from Illinois

i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.

(1-815): View more from Illinois

you need to get laid.. and an oil change.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.

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(815): View more from Illinois

she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.

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(917): View more from New York City

i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.

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(909): View more from California

He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal

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(818): View more from California

Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic

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(310): View more from California

Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship

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(714): View more from California

He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm a pro at the other 9-5

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I've fallen from my one moral pedestal

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(360): View more from Washington

High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point

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(513): View more from Ohio

Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.

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(906): View more from Michigan

I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.

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(+97): View more from

Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.

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(315): View more from New York

A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos

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(410): View more from Maryland

I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Well for starters, her tits were hairy.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy

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(850): View more from Florida

Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking

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(218): View more from Minnesota

i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point

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(516): View more from New York

We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds

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(206): View more from Washington

"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha

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(585): View more from New York

If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed

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(404): View more from Georgia

Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.

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(206): View more from Washington

He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.

(415): View more from California

Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.

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(254): View more from Texas

Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won

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(703): View more from Virginia

so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.

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(678): View more from Georgia

his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.

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(914): View more from New York

every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now

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(330): View more from Ohio

The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?

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(702): View more from Nevada

She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us

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(973): View more from New Jersey

If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.

(712): View more from Iowa

What's an angry pirate?

(702): View more from Nevada

You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.

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(213): View more from California

Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.

(1-213): View more from California

best text I've received ever.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.

(1-623): View more from Arizona

That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me

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(410): View more from Maryland

I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.

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(812): View more from Indiana

after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic

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(702): View more from Nevada

The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility

(910): View more from North Carolina

well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends

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(817): View more from Texas

Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.

(214): View more from Texas

I still make more money.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"

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(519): View more from Ontario

We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...

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(850): View more from Florida

Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??

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(847): View more from Illinois

I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.

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(415): View more from California

Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me

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(248): View more from Michigan

fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!

(1-248): View more from Michigan

What does that mean?

(248): View more from Michigan

How when the cu k dos I yet u

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Focus

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(419): View more from Ohio

I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.

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(256): View more from Alabama

you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

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(210): View more from Texas

Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad

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(207): View more from Maine

traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK

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(602): View more from Arizona

but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.

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(347): View more from New York

I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.

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(914): View more from New York

she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"

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(585): View more from New York

Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.

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(248): View more from Michigan

What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.

(810): View more from Michigan

I think you know the answer.

(248): View more from Michigan

How can I marinade myself in Vodka?

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(703): View more from Virginia

Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.

(1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.

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(917): View more from New York City

Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?

(212): View more from New York

Vagina

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(304): View more from West Virginia

you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life

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(801): View more from Utah

If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here

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(480): View more from Arizona

In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.

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(425): View more from Washington

Where the royal fuck are you??

(1-425): View more from Washington

The depths of vodka hell.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...

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(612): View more from Minnesota

So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.

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(260): View more from Indiana

i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?

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(512): View more from Texas

Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back

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(256): View more from Alabama

There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex

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(631): View more from New York

he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him

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(209): View more from California

She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao

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(347): View more from New York

Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...

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(365): View more from

As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.

(1-365): View more from

I was judging you.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me

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(604): View more from British Columbia

So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.

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(+45): View more from Denmark

You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?

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(225): View more from Louisiana

is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?

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(719): View more from Colorado

Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!

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(301): View more from Maryland

Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.

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(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it

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(212): View more from New York

So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober

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(574): View more from Indiana

So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree

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(858): View more from California

batman tramp stamp. Dibs.

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(845): View more from New York

felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter

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(206): View more from Washington

Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.

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(510): View more from California

This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?

(925): View more from California

Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.

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(512): View more from Texas

He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

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(845): View more from New York

Make me a sandwich

(301): View more from Maryland

The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.

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(842): View more from

we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.

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(519): View more from Ontario

he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes

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(631): View more from New York

Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"

(631): View more from New York

I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose

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(478): View more from Georgia

I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"

(1-478): View more from Georgia

And thats what homeschooling is for

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(206): View more from Washington

got weed?

(425): View more from Washington

I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.

(206): View more from Washington

sorry mom...

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(817): View more from Texas

i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side

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(586): View more from Michigan

If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?

(313): View more from Michigan

YES

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(219): View more from Indiana

If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!

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(810): View more from Michigan

i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again

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(702): View more from Nevada

Last night was just one giant freudian slip.

(503): View more from Oregon

You made out with EVERYBODY.

(702): View more from Nevada

Can I just bleach my life?

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(631): View more from New York

Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

people are starting to question the shark bite story

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(209): View more from California

Show him your tits if he says no

(1-209): View more from California

They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.

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(517): View more from Michigan

He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls

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(816): View more from Missouri

My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.

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(541): View more from Oregon

he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.

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(251): View more from Alabama

why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?

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(206): View more from Washington

you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway

(925): View more from California

I hate that you know that from experience

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(931): View more from Tennessee

don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus

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(217): View more from Illinois

I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.

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(330): View more from Ohio

he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.

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(541): View more from Oregon

woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?

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(280): View more from

So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.

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(330): View more from Ohio

You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.

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(217): View more from Illinois

the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome

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(312): View more from Illinois

I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy

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(360): View more from Washington

Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.

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(847): View more from Illinois

there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check

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(734): View more from Michigan

y did u give ur computer a hand job?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.

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(315): View more from New York

She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...

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(604): View more from British Columbia

she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double

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(916): View more from California

I'm really into asian looking animals

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.

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(229): View more from Georgia

He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...

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(270): View more from Kentucky

My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was

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(317): View more from Indiana

Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that

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(773): View more from Illinois

I think I sprained my soul last night

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

no his phone, idiot.

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(317): View more from Indiana

He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.

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(972): View more from Texas

i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.

(817): View more from Texas

Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.

(972): View more from Texas

ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.

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(765): View more from Indiana

A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"

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(708): View more from Illinois

Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?

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(630): View more from Illinois

I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important

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(919): View more from North Carolina

My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"

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(810): View more from Michigan

my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.

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(330): View more from Ohio

So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...

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(703): View more from Virginia

Can i come over

(240): View more from Maryland

After you called me a desperate slut? No

(240): View more from Maryland

Come over

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(775): View more from Nevada

she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward

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(970): View more from Colorado

you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.

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(714): View more from California

I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me

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(313): View more from Michigan

you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth

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(425): View more from Washington

No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,

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(727): View more from Florida

its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics

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(239): View more from Florida

im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!

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(940): View more from Texas

Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd

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(631): View more from New York

I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"

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(+61): View more from Australia

he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms

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(503): View more from Oregon

Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration

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(803): View more from South Carolina

and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old

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(+44): View more from England

You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.

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(847): View more from Illinois

My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.

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(206): View more from Washington

The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...

(425): View more from Washington

Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.

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(607): View more from New York

I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

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(970): View more from Colorado

Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.

(970): View more from Colorado

Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other

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(612): View more from Minnesota

The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.

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(585): View more from New York

Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)

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(989): View more from Michigan

News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.

(1-989): View more from Michigan

Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.

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(404): View more from Georgia

i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay

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(925): View more from California

i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them

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(906): View more from Michigan

didnt we say no more talking to eachother

(906): View more from Michigan

it will help you get over me i promise

(414): View more from Wisconsin

im horny

(906): View more from Michigan

ok i will unlock the door

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(843): View more from South Carolina

You left your underwear on the fireplace

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(847): View more from Illinois

You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear

(1-847): View more from Illinois

Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat

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(248): View more from Michigan

Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.

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(716): View more from New York

Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!

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(248): View more from Michigan

Sry I called you an 8

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over

(1+44): View more from

Wet with either fear or sexual excitement

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I think a mixture of both is appropriate

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(315): View more from New York

playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps

(315): View more from New York

warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey

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(210): View more from Texas

Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?

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(818): View more from California

I regularly think about how cool your nickname is

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams

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(914): View more from New York

All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.

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(254): View more from Texas

Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave

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(623): View more from Arizona

He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon

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(757): View more from Virginia

I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil

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(631): View more from New York

im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night

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(785): View more from Kansas

The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.

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(+82): View more from South Korea

I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.

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(770): View more from Georgia

She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.

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(817): View more from Texas

So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.

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(734): View more from Michigan

he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.

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(425): View more from Washington

What goes on in that head of yours?

(206): View more from Washington

Gay sex, for the most part. Why?

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(770): View more from Georgia

The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding

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(801): View more from Utah

just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk

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(248): View more from Michigan

That arnold schwarzeneger picture looks strikingly similar to paul

(313): View more from Michigan

Not half as good looking as paul

(248): View more from Michigan

I'd say paul has bigger bicep peaks, but who am I to judge

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(325): View more from Texas

I fcuked ip.

(214): View more from Texas

Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months

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(949): View more from California

'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear

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(954): View more from Florida

You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say

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(614): View more from Ohio

I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation

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(913): View more from Kansas

You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.

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(678): View more from Georgia

did u really fuck my little sister???

(706): View more from Georgia

im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"

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(248): View more from Michigan

The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense

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(334): View more from Alabama

How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.

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(443): View more from Maryland

this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing

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(313): View more from Michigan

you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"

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(416): View more from Ontario

but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it

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(310): View more from California

I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.

(1-310): View more from California

Make one for john too.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.

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(281): View more from Texas

Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.

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(+86): View more from China

Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?

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(970): View more from Colorado

At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name

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(720): View more from Colorado

What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to

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(612): View more from Minnesota

he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper

(952): View more from Minnesota

Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages

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(910): View more from North Carolina

And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.

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(386): View more from Florida

I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...

(1-386): View more from Florida

thanks for that.

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(314): View more from Missouri

It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.

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(646): View more from New York

I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I love watching others lives come down to our level.

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(760): View more from California

Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.

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(707): View more from California

I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n

(559): View more from California

sry, psychiatrist trumps professor

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(704): View more from North Carolina

but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?

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(407): View more from Florida

I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that

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(248): View more from Michigan

it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

What?

(248): View more from Michigan

..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Details.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Are you high right now?

(1-228): View more from Mississippi

is that a question or a drake reference?

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(816): View more from Missouri

Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.

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(614): View more from Ohio

So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane

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(443): View more from Maryland

No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling

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(916): View more from California

i think i have herpe

(1-916): View more from California

just one?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.

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(904): View more from Florida

I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded

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(573): View more from Missouri

Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.

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(352): View more from Florida

The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.

(1-352): View more from Florida

Oh God. You're going to jail

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(937): View more from Ohio

I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us

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(217): View more from Illinois

You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass

(901): View more from Tennessee

fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings

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(808): View more from Hawaii

i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."

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(863): View more from Florida

It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.

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(516): View more from New York

Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies

(612): View more from Minnesota

Stop drinking before 5

(651): View more from Minnesota

Easier said than done

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(515): View more from Iowa

I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time

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(217): View more from Illinois

Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency

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(816): View more from Missouri

you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

you can....by speaking....

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(269): View more from Michigan

Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to

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(765): View more from Indiana

Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up

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(952): View more from Minnesota

like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face

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(647): View more from Ontario

all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

(905): View more from Ontario

You're fat. Stop making excuses

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(585): View more from New York

Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.

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(805): View more from California

He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.

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(260): View more from Indiana

I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS

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(972): View more from Texas

she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.

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(416): View more from Ontario

Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

At least you have booty calls.

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china

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(864): View more from South Carolina

just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside

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(804): View more from Virginia

I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate

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(914): View more from New York

Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Sex on roller skates

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Floating mattress

(301): View more from Maryland

Tie

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?

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(224): View more from Illinois

At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.

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(810): View more from Michigan

The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?

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(226): View more from Ontario

This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

You know i think she's just using me for sex

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

I hate you.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out

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(315): View more from New York

I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was

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(613): View more from Ontario

I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.

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(509): View more from Washington

I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?

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(312): View more from Illinois

Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.

(773): View more from Illinois

You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal

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(305): View more from Florida

You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober

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(612): View more from Minnesota

how drunk are you?

(952): View more from Minnesota

What does that even mean anymore?

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(510): View more from California

dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?

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(256): View more from Alabama

Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I told you not to have sex with her on my futon

(612): View more from Minnesota

I didnt dude, i swear!

(952): View more from Minnesota

either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon

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(303): View more from Colorado

He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.

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(551): View more from New Jersey

i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.

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(818): View more from California

Jake died.

(310): View more from California

WTF????????? That's how you tell me????

(818): View more from California

Oops typo. Jake cried.

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(319): View more from Iowa

True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes

(847): View more from Illinois

And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.

(319): View more from Iowa

At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.

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(805): View more from California

I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.

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(847): View more from Illinois

she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox

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(734): View more from Michigan

I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.

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(206): View more from Washington

Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.

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(574): View more from Indiana

I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I had to brake up with him.

(602): View more from Arizona

In my experience drinking helps.

(480): View more from Arizona

You dont want to know why?

(602): View more from Arizona

Not really. I want to drink.

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(512): View more from Texas

its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?

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(418): View more from Quebec

I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate

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(204): View more from Manitoba

well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?

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(205): View more from Alabama

It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i always forget guys have bellybuttons

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(404): View more from Georgia

don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts

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(301): View more from Maryland

He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.

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(619): View more from California

Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I cont stop tolking in a british axsent

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(707): View more from California

I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.

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(989): View more from Michigan

i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?

(614): View more from Ohio

I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?

(330): View more from Ohio

I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.

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(425): View more from Washington

She's clinging to me like a horny koala.

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(205): View more from Alabama

The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.

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(905): View more from Ontario

i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself

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(734): View more from Michigan

Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.

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(760): View more from California

I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.

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(914): View more from New York

how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes

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(310): View more from California

Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?

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(407): View more from Florida

Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk

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(845): View more from New York

When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"

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(253): View more from Washington

Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.

(376): View more from

you are insane

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(847): View more from Illinois

i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero

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(586): View more from Michigan

Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"

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(334): View more from Alabama

I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.

(334): View more from Alabama

I stand by my new policy.

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(224): View more from Illinois

My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.

(312): View more from Illinois

Elaborate

(224): View more from Illinois

Strip Mario-Kart

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(224): View more from Illinois

Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.

(1-520): View more from Arizona

I can pencil you in at 3:30

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(775): View more from Nevada

Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat

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(473): View more from Grenada-Carib

Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.

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(516): View more from New York

Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment

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(586): View more from Michigan

if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga

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(478): View more from Georgia

This is not my ceiling

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(573): View more from Missouri

his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"

(314): View more from Missouri

did it work

(573): View more from Missouri

that's not the point...

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(248): View more from Michigan

Am i fat?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Well i wouldnt let you on top

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(408): View more from California

worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum

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(407): View more from Florida

is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?

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(314): View more from Missouri

Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..

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(616): View more from Michigan

They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar

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(305): View more from Florida

considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?

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(410): View more from Maryland

She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?

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(949): View more from California

I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.

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(630): View more from Illinois

he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.

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(917): View more from New York City

I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.

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(510): View more from California

Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out

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(805): View more from California

we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend

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(314): View more from Missouri

Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off

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(512): View more from Texas

Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?

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(801): View more from Utah

so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"

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(407): View more from Florida

Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.

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(314): View more from Missouri

he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex

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(602): View more from Arizona

When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.

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(231): View more from Michigan

OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.

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(917): View more from New York City

the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob

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(248): View more from Michigan

Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.

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(917): View more from New York City

She saved the condom from the first time we did it.

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(518): View more from New York

my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...

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(480): View more from Arizona

my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion

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(602): View more from Arizona

Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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(848): View more from New Jersey

I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa

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(516): View more from New York

im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT

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(785): View more from Kansas

totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted

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(313): View more from Michigan

I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.

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(517): View more from Michigan

You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins

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(404): View more from Georgia

Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night

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(305): View more from Florida

You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

He won't sleep with me again until I commit...

(1-320): View more from Minnesota

Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

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(706): View more from Georgia

We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where's it at?

(706): View more from Georgia

In your pants.

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(206): View more from Washington

He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look

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(585): View more from New York

Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her

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(530): View more from California

Maybe I'm a robot.

(831): View more from California

You can't be that drunk already

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"

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(305): View more from Florida

I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.

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(+61): View more from Australia

THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

are you high?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Im watching someone hooking up in the library

(970): View more from Colorado

procrastination at its finest

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(480): View more from Arizona

this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.

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(209): View more from California

what is college for if not random hookup sex?

(951): View more from California

learning.

(209): View more from California

i would literally fuck learning if i could.

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(310): View more from California

I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.

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(219): View more from Indiana

How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"

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(316): View more from Kansas

Listen to me plotting my whoredom.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.

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(361): View more from Texas

I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.

(1-361): View more from Texas

Ew! He's just a child!

(361): View more from Texas

AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.

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(206): View more from Washington

I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians

(503): View more from Oregon

How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?

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(915): View more from Texas

I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic

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(44): View more from England

What's everyones problem with my costume?!

(1-44): View more from England

It looks like a unicorn came on your face.

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(217): View more from Illinois

just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?

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(248): View more from Michigan

Potential corruption. He's 19.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Get them while they're young!

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(805): View more from California

we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today

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(802): View more from Vermont

Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?

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(956): View more from Texas

Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.

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(650): View more from California

I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history

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(925): View more from California

you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD

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(734): View more from Michigan

He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.

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(509): View more from Washington

Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.

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(404): View more from Georgia

You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.

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(440): View more from Ohio

well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.

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(619): View more from California

Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.

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(207): View more from Maine

Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people

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(440): View more from Ohio

Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."

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(850): View more from Florida

JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?

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(425): View more from Washington

My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed

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(480): View more from Arizona

I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people

(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would be honored to be that friend.

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(416): View more from Ontario

What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?

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(561): View more from Florida

This dress was meant to end up on your floor

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(315): View more from New York

I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(703): View more from Virginia

help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.

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(207): View more from Maine

you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand

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(518): View more from New York

and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card

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(207): View more from Maine

You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.

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(914): View more from New York

We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.

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(516): View more from New York

Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.

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(971): View more from Oregon

Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?

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(740): View more from Ohio

Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?

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(425): View more from Washington

I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?

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(813): View more from Florida

worms taste like bacon by the way.

(1-813): View more from Florida

I always wondered what they tasted like.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.

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(360): View more from Washington

is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?

(503): View more from Oregon

Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?

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(734): View more from Michigan

I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Shittttttt.

(734): View more from Michigan

Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.

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(607): View more from New York

I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name

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(650): View more from California

i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.

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(613): View more from Ontario

who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked

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(515): View more from Iowa

so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.

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(210): View more from Texas

Hey it's Austin.

(254): View more from Texas

I am not drunk enough for this conversation.

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(646): View more from New York

Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.

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(631): View more from New York

Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...

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(678): View more from Georgia

So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night

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(703): View more from Virginia

so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"

(1-703): View more from Virginia

where do you find these guys?

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(503): View more from Oregon

She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.

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(727): View more from Florida

And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..

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(480): View more from Arizona

It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.

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(310): View more from California

If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?

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(703): View more from Virginia

I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.

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(214): View more from Texas

Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?

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(616): View more from Michigan

Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband

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(845): View more from New York

you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.

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(209): View more from California

she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook

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(317): View more from Indiana

I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."

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(517): View more from Michigan

But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.

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(248): View more from Michigan

The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.

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(760): View more from California

Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.

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