Texts From Last Night · ketmakura's Favorites

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ketmakura's Favorites Texts:

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs

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(720): View more from Colorado

Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.

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(425): View more from Washington

I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.

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(616): View more from Michigan

The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.

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(209): View more from California

Lunch?

(209): View more from California

Massage?

(209): View more from California

Spanking with handcuffs?

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.

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(913): View more from Kansas

did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom

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(785): View more from Kansas

Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.

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(903): View more from Texas

I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-

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(703): View more from Virginia

he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.

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(209): View more from California

he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from

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(612): View more from Minnesota

And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

youre welcome

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(513): View more from Ohio

he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"

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(914): View more from New York

He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Did I fall last night?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one

(609): View more from New Jersey

ravioli

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(205): View more from Alabama

What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.

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(817): View more from Texas

At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

Prepare the pitchfork.

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(207): View more from Maine

this boner is exhausting

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?

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(865): View more from Tennessee

An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Stop touching yourself.

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Beer bonging to Ave Maria

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good

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(416): View more from Toronto

Everything smells like blood and olive oil.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her

(860): View more from Connecticut

but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"

(860): View more from Connecticut

but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies

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(315): View more from New York

some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"

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(256): View more from Alabama

I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.

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(540): View more from Virginia

That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....

(1-540): View more from Virginia

It was the best sex i've ever had.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

come over

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(716): View more from New York

You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.

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(416): View more from Ontario

She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.

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(513): View more from Ohio

you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out

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(310): View more from California

Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups

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(419): View more from Ohio

had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.

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(248): View more from Michigan

it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.

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(924): View more from

He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it

(224): View more from Illinois

Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same

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(510): View more from California

Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.

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(984): View more from North Carolina

i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.

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(404): View more from Georgia

we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.

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(845): View more from New York

I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring

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(707): View more from California

he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting

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(916): View more from California

So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.

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(716): View more from New York

in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....

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(705): View more from Ontario

I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time

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(325): View more from Texas

Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me

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(817): View more from Texas

She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis

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(325): View more from Texas

She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.

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(503): View more from Oregon

That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.

(1-775): View more from Nevada

Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank

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(815): View more from Illinois

escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!

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(425): View more from Washington

Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.

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(512): View more from Texas

All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"

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(406): View more from Montana

There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!

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(303): View more from Colorado

Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up

(612): View more from Minnesota

my bad i broke a mirror over your back

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?

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(+45): View more from Denmark

The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.

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(210): View more from Texas

He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Because we had sex in one.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

How long until you're healed?

(920): View more from Wisconsin

Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.

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(678): View more from Georgia

He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.

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(585): View more from New York

i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.

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(863): View more from Florida

just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'

(708): View more from Illinois

such a stalker...

(248): View more from Michigan

she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.

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(518): View more from New York

She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.

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(909): View more from California

if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.

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(269): View more from Michigan

he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants

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(727): View more from Florida

I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?

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(660): View more from Missouri

i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting

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(845): View more from New York

Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"

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(519): View more from Ontario

i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.

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(540): View more from Virginia

just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping

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(360): View more from Washington

Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...

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(231): View more from Michigan

Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.

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(509): View more from Washington

We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.

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(815): View more from Illinois

i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried

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(515): View more from Iowa

the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point

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(386): View more from Florida

Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm

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(315): View more from New York

So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.

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(319): View more from Iowa

the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".

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(816): View more from Missouri

They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives

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(310): View more from California

Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"

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(903): View more from Texas

Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.

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(765): View more from Indiana

He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.

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(210): View more from Texas

I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.

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(510): View more from California

you told grandpa to call you daddy

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(317): View more from Indiana

I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....

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(805): View more from California

We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.

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(251): View more from Alabama

About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.

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(786): View more from Florida

hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less

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(480): View more from Arizona

Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"

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(504): View more from Louisiana

It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman

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(562): View more from California

Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.

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(319): View more from Iowa

It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops

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(614): View more from Ohio

Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?

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(515): View more from Iowa

She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.

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(408): View more from California

Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people

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(517): View more from Michigan

every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot

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(204): View more from Manitoba

he high fived his dick after we had sex

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

I feel like half our conversations start this way.

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(714): View more from California

Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.

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(518): View more from New York

Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him

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(509): View more from Washington

i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron

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(812): View more from Indiana

He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"

(973): View more from New Jersey

What's this douchebags name?

(908): View more from New Jersey

Rob...

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(616): View more from Michigan

Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.

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(540): View more from Virginia

He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.

(203): View more from Connecticut

needless to say I left

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(631): View more from New York

guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple

(1-631): View more from New York

whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?

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(416): View more from Toronto

There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.

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(727): View more from Florida

I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.

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(210): View more from Texas

Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad

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(614): View more from Ohio

Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.

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(818): View more from California

I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.

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(845): View more from New York

You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus

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(631): View more from New York

Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..

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(720): View more from Colorado

More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?

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(808): View more from Hawaii

He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...

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(314): View more from Missouri

I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.

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(248): View more from Michigan

fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!

(1-248): View more from Michigan

What does that mean?

(248): View more from Michigan

How when the cu k dos I yet u

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Focus

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(207): View more from Maine

I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..

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(909): View more from California

omg i wish you could see the front of my car.

(909): View more from California

There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday

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(424): View more from California

You hurt me so bad and it feels so good

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(704): View more from North Carolina

After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I want you to worship my cock.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

That's not how you start a conversation.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I think I need practice at oral sex

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

I own a practice facility.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.

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(530): View more from California

I wish to strangle

(310): View more from California

whoa there darth vader

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(614): View more from Ohio

i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.

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(313): View more from Michigan

The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.

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(206): View more from Washington

Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.

(1-206): View more from Washington

That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.

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(979): View more from Texas

It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.

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(816): View more from Missouri

and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours

(816): View more from Missouri

outstanding.

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(909): View more from California

i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes

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(320): View more from Minnesota

It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..

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(456): View more from

ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.

(345): View more from Cayman Islands

I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for

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(303): View more from Colorado

I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off

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(904): View more from Florida

I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox

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(216): View more from Ohio

They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.

(216): View more from Ohio

Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n

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(334): View more from Alabama

He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.

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(631): View more from New York

can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished

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(847): View more from Illinois

I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.

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(707): View more from California

I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..

(707): View more from California

WOAH TOO HIGH

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn

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(386): View more from Florida

I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.

(612): View more from Minnesota

I wish i was spraying into your jaw.

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(905): View more from Toronto

No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags

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(360): View more from Washington

You fed me pizza off a sword last night.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is

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(850): View more from Florida

He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him

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(703): View more from Virginia

the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake

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(813): View more from Florida

The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"

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(914): View more from New York

Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up

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(636): View more from Missouri

it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.

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(602): View more from Arizona

We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.

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(517): View more from Michigan

you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds

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(218): View more from Minnesota

All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.

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(561): View more from Florida

He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.

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(716): View more from New York

honey bunches of taint.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

....surprise!

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(509): View more from Washington

Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?

(860): View more from Connecticut

Becoming a productive member of society?

(509): View more from Washington

Sam. Come on.

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(303): View more from Colorado

i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk

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(404): View more from Georgia

You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.

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(407): View more from Florida

Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.

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(785): View more from Kansas

He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.

(785): View more from Kansas

Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"

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(858): View more from California

I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.

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(630): View more from Illinois

He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.

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(816): View more from Missouri

First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.

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(707): View more from California

She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...

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(512): View more from Texas

ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..

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(731): View more from Tennessee

She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro

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(510): View more from California

He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I would ride that face into the sunset

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(775): View more from Nevada

He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You could give me a blowjob later? :)

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I meant do something romantic..

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Blowjob In the moonlight?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.

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(310): View more from California

Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls

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(760): View more from California

She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.

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(573): View more from Missouri

My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman

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(315): View more from New York

I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup

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(646): View more from New York

Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.

(1-646): View more from New York

what. the. fuck.

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(586): View more from Michigan

We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty

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(804): View more from Virginia

finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.

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(416): View more from Toronto

i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.

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(212): View more from New York

I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?

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(914): View more from New York

? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?

(773): View more from Illinois

jesus mom

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(804): View more from Virginia

He likes Jesus. Game over.

(804): View more from Virginia

Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.

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(703): View more from Virginia

maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.

(859): View more from Kentucky

i did. i'm using it as a microphone.

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(541): View more from Oregon

im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Woah.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

that's not how you spell hell yes.

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(585): View more from New York

when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood

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(206): View more from Washington

No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.

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(913): View more from Kansas

No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.

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(503): View more from Oregon

do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating

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(315): View more from New York

so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese

(315): View more from New York

here comes the puke

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(847): View more from Illinois

so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner

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(605): View more from South Dakota

the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.

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(540): View more from Virginia

After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?

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(660): View more from Missouri

what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?

(816): View more from Missouri

um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

My brain says no but my pants say off.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker

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(614): View more from Ohio

No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine

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(630): View more from Illinois

I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.

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(512): View more from Texas

I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah, that was you

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(216): View more from Ohio

Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Odds of those being real?

(614): View more from Ohio

One in who gives a fuck

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro

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(248): View more from Michigan

I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...

(1-913): View more from Kansas

What?!

(913): View more from Kansas

Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!

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(519): View more from Ontario

oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from

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(503): View more from Oregon

I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

You need to find a taint.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.

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(574): View more from Indiana

apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"

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(519): View more from Ontario

She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."

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(847): View more from Illinois

you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.

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(954): View more from Florida

I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.

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(971): View more from Oregon

I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.

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(303): View more from Colorado

she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer

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(678): View more from Georgia

I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.

(770): View more from Georgia

WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Uhmm, it's called hentai.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER

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(303): View more from Colorado

WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?

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(808): View more from Hawaii

She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days

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(360): View more from Washington

"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.

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(940): View more from Texas

You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole

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(417): View more from Missouri

You totally left a blue butt print on our banister

(573): View more from Missouri

Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.

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(530): View more from California

Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.

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(858): View more from California

we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.

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(707): View more from California

I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"

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(516): View more from New York

I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this

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(647): View more from Ontario

Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.

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(845): View more from New York

If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.

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(516): View more from New York

yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk

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(619): View more from California

Then again, he has huge mansions.

(619): View more from California

*manboobs.

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(713): View more from Texas

I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.

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(765): View more from Indiana

After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.

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(760): View more from California

If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies

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(417): View more from Missouri

Update: He still has devil magic genitals.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood

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(505): View more from New Mexico

You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?

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(248): View more from Michigan

SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!

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(765): View more from Indiana

He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face

(812): View more from Indiana

Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!

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(915): View more from Texas

No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.

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(765): View more from Indiana

A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."

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(775): View more from Nevada

I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.

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(817): View more from Texas

Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you

(580): View more from Oklahoma

Really.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex

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(512): View more from Texas

Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me

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(856): View more from New Jersey

"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.

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(954): View more from Florida

I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

By a pack of ravenous dildos

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.

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(410): View more from Maryland

You texted me a picture of your face along with #help

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up

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(540): View more from Virginia

she says it's "been amazing lately"

(540): View more from Virginia

i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half

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(585): View more from New York

Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.

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(408): View more from California

Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?

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(240): View more from Maryland

When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.

Fav 0 605 300
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(708): View more from Illinois

We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."

(1-708): View more from Illinois

Let's do it. All homo

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(480): View more from Arizona

I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.

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(323): View more from California

He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.

(323): View more from California

Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.

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(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

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(903): View more from Texas

Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.

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(360): View more from Washington

The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt

(206): View more from Washington

You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.

Fav 0 56 17
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(210): View more from Texas

He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.

Fav 1 29 6
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(910): View more from North Carolina

I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He stole my heart. I stole his identity.

Fav 0 19 77
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(330): View more from Ohio

If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.

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(916): View more from California

come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

Two?

(404): View more from Georgia

Two.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk

Fav 13 4174 1461
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(413): View more from Massachusetts

He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.

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(801): View more from Utah

Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?

(309): View more from Illinois

No idea. And yes be here at 4

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

Fav 48 49310 2812
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(734): View more from Michigan

I just commented on the education level of his penis.

Fav 2 996 904
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(630): View more from Illinois

We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.

Fav 3 513 930
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(718): View more from New York

He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.

Fav 11 2601 5329
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(740): View more from Ohio

Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.

Fav 0 61 24
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(614): View more from Ohio

The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

A simple 'no' would have sufficed

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.

Fav 9 4517 1400
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(612): View more from Minnesota

you guys were way drunker than both of me

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(913): View more from Kansas

Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.

Fav 14 828 1310
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(650): View more from California

she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".

Fav 0 73 13
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(337): View more from Louisiana

Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf

(337): View more from Louisiana

OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.

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(305): View more from Florida

he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink

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(989): View more from Michigan

After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..

Fav 0 11 25
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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage

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(636): View more from Missouri

You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.

(847): View more from Illinois

What did I say?

(636): View more from Missouri

Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,

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(813): View more from Florida

He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.

Fav 0 31 108
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(303): View more from Colorado

I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.

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(631): View more from New York

You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport

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(949): View more from California

I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”

Fav 0 52 35
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(269): View more from Michigan

Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories

(269): View more from Michigan

I don't see you I see the memories. All the time

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.

(908): View more from New Jersey

I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???

Fav 0 32 68
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(519): View more from Ontario

I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....

(843): View more from South Carolina

I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...

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(614): View more from Ohio

TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG

(1-614): View more from Ohio

HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS

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(319): View more from Iowa

yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.

Fav 1 616 484
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(435): View more from Utah

oh god the rape fog is back!

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(216): View more from Ohio

Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man

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(913): View more from Kansas

Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear

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(269): View more from Michigan

when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.

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(970): View more from Colorado

There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.

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(212): View more from New York

He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.

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(909): View more from California

Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.

Fav 2 569 861
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(314): View more from Missouri

I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.

Fav 18 6181 2199
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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?

Fav 0 33 19
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(317): View more from Indiana

Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.

Fav 23 5130 1211
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(905): View more from Ontario

His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.

Fav 9 1145 2188
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(206): View more from Washington

i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.

(425): View more from Washington

for sure. did you let him do it?

(206): View more from Washington

thats not the point.

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(209): View more from California

Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)

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(253): View more from Washington

We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction

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(423): View more from Tennessee

2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'

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(231): View more from Michigan

I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...

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(615): View more from Tennessee

The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun

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(314): View more from Missouri

Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.

Fav 2 1113 552
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.

(734): View more from Michigan

please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso

(603): View more from New Hampshire

:)

(603): View more from New Hampshire

i can feel colors

Fav 0 126 14
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(206): View more from Washington

when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.

Fav 9 2071 926
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(323): View more from California

I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.

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(365): View more from

James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.

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(801): View more from Utah

An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.

Fav 5 727 1163
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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."

(239): View more from Florida

I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?

(1-404): View more from Georgia

did you answer or finish?

(404): View more from Georgia

both

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(801): View more from Utah

At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..

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(402): View more from Nebraska

In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party

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(310): View more from California

She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL

(310): View more from California

so no, not her best night

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.

Fav 28 1009 2601
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(615): View more from Tennessee

Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?

Fav 0 215 159
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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"

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(810): View more from Michigan

GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave

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(917): View more from New York City

She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.

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(239): View more from Florida

This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world

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(512): View more from Texas

I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Like alphabetically I'd say a v

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(845): View more from New York

I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public

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(628): View more from California

i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Did you just throw up mid-sentence?

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(253): View more from Washington

don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.

Fav 15 981 3206
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(971): View more from Oregon

I have two black x marks on my hands.

(503): View more from Oregon

Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

(971): View more from Oregon

damnit I wish I could remember that.

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(352): View more from Florida

Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.

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(631): View more from New York

He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.

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(425): View more from Washington

He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that

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(425): View more from Washington

What goes on in that head of yours?

(206): View more from Washington

Gay sex, for the most part. Why?

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(937): View more from Ohio

I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.

(1-937): View more from Ohio

Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them

(937): View more from Ohio

Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.

(1-937): View more from Ohio

Sounds legit to me.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'

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(304): View more from West Virginia

The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

I like taco bell too

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(613): View more from Ontario

How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.

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(914): View more from New York

Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.

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(813): View more from Florida

Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?

(813): View more from Florida

Because one of you banged your stalker

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(301): View more from Maryland

Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.

(743): View more from

Who is this?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?

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(714): View more from California

Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick

(1-714): View more from California

He's old enough to be your father!

(714): View more from California

REALLY. BIG. DICK.

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(269): View more from Michigan

That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.

(269): View more from Michigan

AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.

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(650): View more from California

it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.

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(210): View more from Texas

The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced

(210): View more from Texas

The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks

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(845): View more from New York

This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating

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(516): View more from New York

Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.

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(660): View more from Missouri

The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.

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(949): View more from California

You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Uh I can actually explain that one..

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(707): View more from California

As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.

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(563): View more from Iowa

For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

super hot butfun

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.

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(323): View more from California

At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.

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(641): View more from Iowa

He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'

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(716): View more from New York

I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong

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(586): View more from Michigan

Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it

(586): View more from Michigan

We did he did.

(586): View more from Michigan

When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers

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(556): View more from

Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard

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(303): View more from Colorado

she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?

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(716): View more from New York

Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera

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(407): View more from Florida

Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.

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(641): View more from Iowa

Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.

(844): View more from

Oh its going to be that type of weekend?

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(727): View more from Florida

he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body

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(862): View more from New Jersey

Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.

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(407): View more from Florida

So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.

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(512): View more from Texas

I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position

(1-512): View more from Texas

I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.

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(801): View more from Utah

Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail

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(856): View more from New Jersey

THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE

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(631): View more from New York

im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies

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(708): View more from Illinois

i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

Anal.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.

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(407): View more from Florida

When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.

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(360): View more from Washington

So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub

(413): View more from Massachusetts

I wish i could be there for it

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(585): View more from New York

My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?

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(727): View more from Florida

Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.

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(903): View more from Texas

Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.

(1-903): View more from Texas

Dude I've been in FL since Monday.

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(289): View more from Ontario

Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.

(1-336): View more from North Carolina

Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.

(336): View more from North Carolina

Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.

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(516): View more from New York

then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"

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(813): View more from Florida

Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.

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(831): View more from California

He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.

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(516): View more from New York

I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"

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(205): View more from Alabama

i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!

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(646): View more from New York

classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable

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(904): View more from Florida

he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up

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(334): View more from Alabama

You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.

(205): View more from Alabama

Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich

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(310): View more from California

I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.

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(818): View more from California

YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK

(512): View more from Texas

i got me so drunk!

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?

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(503): View more from Oregon

i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking

(1-503): View more from Oregon

I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning

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(425): View more from Washington

if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you

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(510): View more from California

Do they make liter beers?

(727): View more from Florida

They make 40s

(510): View more from California

Do they make 2 liter beers

(727): View more from Florida

They make 2 40s

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(850): View more from Florida

He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.

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(303): View more from Colorado

He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.

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(516): View more from New York

WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE

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(574): View more from Indiana

i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.

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(435): View more from Utah

When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics

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(231): View more from Michigan

It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"

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(631): View more from New York

She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE

(1-631): View more from New York

I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU

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(314): View more from Missouri

apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out

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(361): View more from Texas

He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments

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(630): View more from Illinois

dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!

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(203): View more from Connecticut

my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.

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(916): View more from California

rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war

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(519): View more from Ontario

Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy

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(423): View more from Tennessee

...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.

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(801): View more from Utah

He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.

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(347): View more from New York

I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.

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(219): View more from Indiana

The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes

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(714): View more from California

We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.

(714): View more from California

I'll wait.

(714): View more from California

It can also be a hat.

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(619): View more from California

Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?

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(213): View more from California

hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"

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(818): View more from California

That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo

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(901): View more from Tennessee

No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow

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(239): View more from Florida

He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.

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(407): View more from Florida

Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.

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(847): View more from Illinois

It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.

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(386): View more from Florida

Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.

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(212): View more from New York

That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!

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(408): View more from California

Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission

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(310): View more from California

What's the address?

(626): View more from California

Too drunk. Just google it.

(310): View more from California

IT'S YOUR HOUSE

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(970): View more from Colorado

He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Let's just rave with boners that last for hours

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(714): View more from California

I've never sung with balls in my mouth

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(817): View more from Texas

He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.

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(817): View more from Texas

After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.

(813): View more from Florida

A snake? I must've been gone...

(817): View more from Texas

After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..

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(607): View more from New York

Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth

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(605): View more from South Dakota

He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM

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(979): View more from Texas

We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.

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(281): View more from Texas

ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)

(214): View more from Texas

Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.

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(909): View more from California

Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.

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(530): View more from California

You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.

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(805): View more from California

my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.

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(305): View more from Florida

Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.

(786): View more from Florida

How high are you right now..

(305): View more from Florida

I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I enjoy the company of your penis

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.

(760): View more from California

Wow.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks

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(585): View more from New York

You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.

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(940): View more from Texas

I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused

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(678): View more from Georgia

Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.

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(510): View more from California

EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

How much have you had to drink?

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Qhaghao Oslo?

(339): View more from Massachusetts

That seems like quite a lot.

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(972): View more from Texas

Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL

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(+33): View more from France

I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.

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(305): View more from Florida

i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"

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(323): View more from California

Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."

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(949): View more from California

am i gonna have visuals on this?

(414): View more from Wisconsin

you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire

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(410): View more from Maryland

When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.

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(707): View more from California

So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.

(1-707): View more from California

That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad

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(817): View more from Texas

i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side

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(240): View more from Maryland

My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.

(1-240): View more from Maryland

Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?

(240): View more from Maryland

Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much

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(703): View more from Virginia

Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.

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(719): View more from Colorado

If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...

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(541): View more from Oregon

Happy birthday, you long dick monster

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(714): View more from California

Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.

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(212): View more from New York

it was like a zeppelin in a condom

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner

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(469): View more from Texas

She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke

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(913): View more from Kansas

so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye

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(678): View more from Georgia

Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?

(1-678): View more from Georgia

630.

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(858): View more from California

I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.

(601): View more from Mississippi

Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly

(901): View more from Tennessee

...are you coming on to me?

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(630): View more from Illinois

I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.

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(315): View more from New York

she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho

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(908): View more from New Jersey

When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!

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(914): View more from New York

Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

who dressed up as a cop at your party???

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

idk I have to check. Why?

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.

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(360): View more from Washington

So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

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(646): View more from New York

How is your vagina???

(941): View more from Florida

Double booked

(646): View more from New York

With your butt?

(941): View more from Florida

Totes, candlesticks and all

(646): View more from New York

Yay!!

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.

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(909): View more from California

He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..

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(515): View more from Iowa

I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.

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(561): View more from Florida

I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Your shit was massive.

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.

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(631): View more from New York

10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.

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(917): View more from New York City

Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!

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(432): View more from Texas

3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.

(1-432): View more from Texas

Erry day erry day!

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(512): View more from Texas

He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.

(713): View more from Texas

Yeah you should have just let that thought go.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I have suspicion of morning wood.

(281): View more from Texas

How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?

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(515): View more from Iowa

I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror

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(302): View more from Delaware

He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him

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(250): View more from British Columbia

The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that

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(317): View more from Indiana

I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.

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(503): View more from Oregon

the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.

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(469): View more from Texas

I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry

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(612): View more from Minnesota

So do you want to come over? ;)

(763): View more from Minnesota

Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.

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(678): View more from Georgia

He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.

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(678): View more from Georgia

You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.

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(352): View more from Florida

my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.

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(478): View more from Georgia

So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis

(410): View more from Maryland

Sounds like a really classy character....

(478): View more from Georgia

He is classy. It was argyle.

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(816): View more from Missouri

i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.

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(954): View more from Florida

so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.

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(586): View more from Michigan

he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.

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(224): View more from Illinois

We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta

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(561): View more from Florida

His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.

(919): View more from North Carolina

It's a mixed blessing.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce

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(846): View more from

he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow

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(614): View more from Ohio

Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.

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(917): View more from New York City

At a point I was just cumming dust last night

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(720): View more from Colorado

Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Four. Poor grandma...

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied

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(515): View more from Iowa

She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.

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(917): View more from New York City

shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.

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(650): View more from California

apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Only you....

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(248): View more from Michigan

Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Who is this?!?!

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(618): View more from Illinois

So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!

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(416): View more from Toronto

As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction

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(785): View more from Kansas

I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis

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(970): View more from Colorado

You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"

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(773): View more from Illinois

It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.

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(972): View more from Texas

Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.

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(760): View more from California

I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce

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(586): View more from Michigan

Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.

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(785): View more from Kansas

All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.

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(330): View more from Ohio

My butt remains clenched, sir.

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(305): View more from Florida

I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"

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(775): View more from Nevada

My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are

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(860): View more from Connecticut

nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg

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(415): View more from California

I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?

(510): View more from California

I hope so

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck

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(503): View more from Oregon

There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep

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(954): View more from Florida

So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.

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(831): View more from California

It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.

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(909): View more from California

He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.

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(240): View more from Maryland

There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.

(443): View more from Maryland

So glad I found your sister.

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(251): View more from Alabama

i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once

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(937): View more from Ohio

Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.

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(360): View more from Washington

She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.

(1-601): View more from Mississippi

Who is this?

(601): View more from Mississippi

Oops wrong number

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!

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(404): View more from Georgia

dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs

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(360): View more from Washington

you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations

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(251): View more from Alabama

Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

pray to him

(203): View more from Connecticut

I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK

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(972): View more from Texas

some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.

(701): View more from North Dakota

I've never been so turned off by an omelet.

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(312): View more from Illinois

just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"

(1-312): View more from Illinois

go get him tiger.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.

(302): View more from Delaware

i can't wait.

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(530): View more from California

He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull

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(612): View more from Minnesota

new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...

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(443): View more from Maryland

Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis

(757): View more from Virginia

your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.

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(513): View more from Ohio

corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse

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(636): View more from Missouri

dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you

(1-636): View more from Missouri

when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced

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(320): View more from Minnesota

He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...

(320): View more from Minnesota

He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF

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(713): View more from Texas

I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.

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(205): View more from Alabama

you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?

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(707): View more from California

WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"

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(757): View more from Virginia

I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.

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(720): View more from Colorado

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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(201): View more from New Jersey

He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.

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(425): View more from Washington

Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.

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(940): View more from Texas

I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

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(214): View more from Texas

I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying

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(845): View more from New York

I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.

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(303): View more from Colorado

He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.

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(518): View more from New York

He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.

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(805): View more from California

When do i get to see u next week?

(1-805): View more from California

When I teabag your entire family

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(732): View more from New Jersey

And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.

(1-443): View more from Maryland

That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.

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(206): View more from Washington

I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again

(1-206): View more from Washington

RESPECT THE VODQUILA

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?

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(937): View more from Ohio

Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?

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(678): View more from Georgia

His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.

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(+25): View more from

We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?

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(863): View more from Florida

He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"

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(719): View more from Colorado

I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.

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(669): View more from California

sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.

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(408): View more from California

She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?

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(970): View more from Colorado

How do you feel?

(1-970): View more from Colorado

Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out

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(316): View more from Kansas

when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre

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(416): View more from Ontario

I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.

(1-416): View more from Ontario

u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u

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(419): View more from Ohio

I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer

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(804): View more from Virginia

I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung

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(315): View more from New York

Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic

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(916): View more from California

I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

How are you feeling today?

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.

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(816): View more from Missouri

dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

(816): View more from Missouri

that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

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(347): View more from New York

It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.

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(208): View more from Idaho

this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness

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(330): View more from Ohio

what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car

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(410): View more from Maryland

she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur

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(805): View more from California

The air was thick with penises

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(410): View more from Maryland

One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck

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(954): View more from Florida

Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"

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(305): View more from Florida

He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.

(1-305): View more from Florida

Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?

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(510): View more from California

I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.

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(571): View more from Virginia

so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.

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(231): View more from Michigan

My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing

(609): View more from New Jersey

I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow

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(408): View more from California

When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.

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(716): View more from New York

He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.

(585): View more from New York

Find him and marry him.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly

(647): View more from Ontario

Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker

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(775): View more from Nevada

Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool

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(214): View more from Texas

I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.

(376): View more from

you are insane

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(540): View more from Virginia

I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?

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(303): View more from Colorado

Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.

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(425): View more from Washington

Wanna skype?

(1-425): View more from Washington

Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.

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(518): View more from New York

He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.

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(407): View more from Florida

Blood and glitter go together right?

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(813): View more from Florida

i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa

(404): View more from Georgia

sure if you go to prison

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(650): View more from California

My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.

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(+44): View more from England

mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.

(+44): View more from England

"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"

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(314): View more from Missouri

Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"

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(914): View more from New York

he puts the penis in happiness.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?

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(480): View more from Arizona

So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.

(1-678): View more from Georgia

I want to change all my life goals to that.

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(714): View more from California

The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!

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(219): View more from Indiana

He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language

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(229): View more from Georgia

He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"

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(281): View more from Texas

I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic

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(496): View more from

I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically

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(251): View more from Alabama

We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.

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(208): View more from Idaho

That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Are you pooping in the stall next to me?

(404): View more from Georgia

Maybe....

(540): View more from Virginia

Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.

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(425): View more from Washington

my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy

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(217): View more from Illinois

his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs

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(714): View more from California

He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

(732): View more from New Jersey

like it was yesterday

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(636): View more from Missouri

He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.

(314): View more from Missouri

That was the greatest thing i have ever read.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.

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(585): View more from New York

He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...

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(801): View more from Utah

How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight

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(847): View more from Illinois

Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.

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(785): View more from Kansas

You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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(785): View more from Kansas

He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far

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(251): View more from Alabama

He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.

(1-251): View more from Alabama

Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.

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(979): View more from Texas

A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.

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(319): View more from Iowa

you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met

(1-319): View more from Iowa

thanks it was an honor just to be nominated

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(856): View more from New Jersey

COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH

(856): View more from New Jersey

ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT

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(512): View more from Texas

Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.

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(917): View more from New York City

It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate

(860): View more from Connecticut

1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ

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(302): View more from Delaware

THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA

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(505): View more from New Mexico

It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.

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(419): View more from Ohio

HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.

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(480): View more from Arizona

...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.

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(904): View more from Florida

would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar

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(847): View more from Illinois

Rock

(630): View more from Illinois

Scissors

(630): View more from Illinois

Fuck

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!

(715): View more from Wisconsin

I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.

(312): View more from Illinois

I don't even want to know.

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(773): View more from Illinois

if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.

(815): View more from Illinois

This is why you're my favorite.

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(971): View more from Oregon

He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.

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(315): View more from New York

She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...

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(863): View more from Florida

The porch is breathing.

(813): View more from Florida

STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.

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(760): View more from California

I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"

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(517): View more from Michigan

These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy

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(714): View more from California

She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?

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(819): View more from Quebec

I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.

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(415): View more from California

Fuck yeah GAYNESS

(415): View more from California

*explodes into glitter*

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.

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(330): View more from Ohio

You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

fuck the hobbit

(301): View more from Maryland

what about unicorns?

(732): View more from New Jersey

fuck those pointy horses

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(703): View more from Virginia

She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.

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(419): View more from Ohio

It'd be like medium rare by now.

(1-419): View more from Ohio

I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.

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(631): View more from New York

guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark

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(714): View more from California

I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!

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(904): View more from Florida

Hey, thanks for helping me this morning

(1-904): View more from Florida

Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...

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(859): View more from Kentucky

My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.

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(563): View more from Iowa

My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood

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(734): View more from Michigan

i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

what was she crying about?

(734): View more from Michigan

i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?

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(313): View more from Michigan

lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club

(810): View more from Michigan

I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds

(810): View more from Michigan

Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!

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(289): View more from Ontario

Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in

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(845): View more from New York

Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER

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(269): View more from Michigan

I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.

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(647): View more from Ontario

A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.

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(714): View more from California

I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?

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(716): View more from New York

I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.

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(509): View more from Washington

I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...

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(618): View more from Illinois

When have you ever know me to go too far?

(270): View more from Kentucky

Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?

(618): View more from Illinois

Yeah. Besides those.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.

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(813): View more from Florida

Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?

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(316): View more from Kansas

She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.

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(773): View more from Illinois

And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

That's my new pick up line call me a polish name

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(802): View more from Vermont

his penis is PERFECT

(802): View more from Vermont

I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm

(802): View more from Vermont

or knit it little hat

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

the new term for farting is butt boxing.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.

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(954): View more from Florida

I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

Thanks, mom, will do

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(256): View more from Alabama

He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.

(1-952): View more from Minnesota

The tryst?

(952): View more from Minnesota

The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.

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(260): View more from Indiana

...oh my god that's like anal suicide

(1-260): View more from Indiana

I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.

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(571): View more from Virginia

If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.

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(559): View more from California

So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best

(310): View more from California

and??

(559): View more from California

Cake is only good when you eat it

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(540): View more from Virginia

I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice

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(713): View more from Texas

He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.

(713): View more from Texas

They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend

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(909): View more from California

Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom

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(727): View more from Florida

We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.

(1-727): View more from Florida

I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil

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(509): View more from Washington

I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

He wasn't the only one with a full load.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.

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(512): View more from Texas

He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.

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(310): View more from California

It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.

(415): View more from California

That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.

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(773): View more from Illinois

we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.

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(212): View more from New York

He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color

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(817): View more from Texas

A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better

(210): View more from Texas

Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock

(817): View more from Texas

Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs

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(512): View more from Texas

I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'

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(418): View more from Quebec

I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC

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(256): View more from Alabama

Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls

(763): View more from Minnesota

is that a poem?!

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(925): View more from California

My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.

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(248): View more from Michigan

To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.

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(727): View more from Florida

Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!

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(203): View more from Connecticut

apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him

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(863): View more from Florida

During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?

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(734): View more from Michigan

I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.

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(925): View more from California

Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.

(1+61): View more from

Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here

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(682): View more from Texas

Okay so I just had a really great idea

(817): View more from Texas

no.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".

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(914): View more from New York

im gay

(203): View more from Connecticut

i know

(914): View more from New York

yea but for you.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.

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(212): View more from New York

I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..

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(012): View more from

Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.

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(850): View more from Florida

So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.

(850): View more from Florida

I guess we all know what he was cookin.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Hey, how are you?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.

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(325): View more from Texas

We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out

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(516): View more from New York

My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air

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(307): View more from Wyoming

puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.

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(785): View more from Kansas

HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night

(785): View more from Kansas

and flaming arrows and vodka

(785): View more from Kansas

how did we not set your garage on fire

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.

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(310): View more from California

We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?

(226): View more from Ontario

Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?

(647): View more from Ontario

Oh definitely.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨

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(408): View more from California

its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat

(1-408): View more from California

your picture is with misty too!!

(408): View more from California

I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE

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(607): View more from New York

I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

(315): View more from New York

Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Playing nyquil pong with a cat again

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(630): View more from Illinois

we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....

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(815): View more from Illinois

When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.

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(623): View more from Arizona

I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.

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(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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(519): View more from Ontario

It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This is sufficient.

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(646): View more from New York

I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore

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(714): View more from California

I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.

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(740): View more from Ohio

That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex

(513): View more from Ohio

STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS

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(518): View more from New York

It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.

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(540): View more from Virginia

'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"

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(905): View more from Ontario

He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!

(774): View more from Massachusetts

Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.

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(510): View more from California

listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again

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(505): View more from New Mexico

The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.

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(630): View more from Illinois

He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.

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(513): View more from Ohio

The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.

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(416): View more from Ontario

So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.

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(372): View more from

They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY

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(419): View more from Ohio

I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.

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(845): View more from New York

Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.

(1-845): View more from New York

thanks for thinking of me.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?

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(817): View more from Texas

Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."

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(815): View more from Illinois

have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?

(1-815): View more from Illinois

why can't you just be normal

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.

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(903): View more from Texas

u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?

(214): View more from Texas

Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?

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(619): View more from California

He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.

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(815): View more from Illinois

We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...

(847): View more from Illinois

And they lived happily ever after....

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(513): View more from Ohio

ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.

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(573): View more from Missouri

It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.

(1-601): View more from Mississippi

Oh my god.

(1-601): View more from Mississippi

The ballsiest level.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.

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(917): View more from New York City

I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.

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(519): View more from Ontario

sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.

(1-317): View more from Indiana

As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus

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(334): View more from Alabama

I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.

(704): View more from North Carolina

Smaug the FABULOUS

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(607): View more from New York

Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

What time did you start drinking?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe isn't a time...

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression

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(313): View more from Michigan

All I've ever wanted to do in life is right

(517): View more from Michigan

Maybe you should learn how to spell write first

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.

(203): View more from Connecticut

He's like a mythological figure

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(206): View more from Washington

In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.

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(812): View more from Indiana

He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.

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(520): View more from Arizona

They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.

(520): View more from Arizona

Judging by this purple one they got to second base.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.

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(325): View more from Texas

When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.

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(619): View more from California

He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on

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(501): View more from Arkansas

There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.

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(914): View more from New York

Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.

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(330): View more from Ohio

our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni

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(440): View more from Ohio

I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"

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(269): View more from Michigan

Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?

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(623): View more from Arizona

I'd still fuck that

(602): View more from Arizona

You'd fuck a dead moose

(623): View more from Arizona

Quite possible

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(315): View more from New York

Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail

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(458): View more from Oregon

And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.

(458): View more from Oregon

Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.

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(941): View more from Florida

and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.

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(727): View more from Florida

You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.

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(404): View more from Georgia

girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice

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(614): View more from Ohio

I was convinced to buy a man thong.

(614): View more from Ohio

But it's Armani so it's okay.

(614): View more from Ohio

God I just out gayed myself.

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(207): View more from Maine

Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.

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(631): View more from New York

Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.

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(+84): View more from

he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble

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(281): View more from Texas

We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!

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(315): View more from New York

he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out

(607): View more from New York

what a beautiful fairy tale

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(+61): View more from Australia

I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business

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(619): View more from California

Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?

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(905): View more from Ontario

They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"

(905): View more from Ontario

And sadly I did.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Come on the kid is gayer than me

(757): View more from Virginia

Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt

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(519): View more from Ontario

I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on

(226): View more from Ontario

Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing

(612): View more from Minnesota

could be more

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

absolutely not

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(847): View more from Illinois

i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago

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(813): View more from Florida

He called out my ex's name during sex.

(727): View more from Florida

Alex is a pretty common unisex name.

(813): View more from Florida

It was the same Alex. I asked.

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(525): View more from

It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?

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(770): View more from Georgia

Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.

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(702): View more from Nevada

i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.

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(630): View more from Illinois

We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!

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(503): View more from Oregon

well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe

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(218): View more from Minnesota

You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?

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(303): View more from Colorado

Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.

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(407): View more from Florida

The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...

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(585): View more from New York

In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?

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(718): View more from New York

...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex

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(708): View more from Illinois

you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street

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(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...

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(613): View more from Ontario

I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?

(1-715): View more from Wisconsin

I think that about sums it up, actually.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them

(256): View more from Alabama

FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT

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(678): View more from Georgia

Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES

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(647): View more from Ontario

I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?

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(785): View more from Kansas

Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him

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(614): View more from Ohio

I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day

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(804): View more from Virginia

You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US

(703): View more from Virginia

It's the American dream

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.

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(941): View more from Florida

His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.

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(830): View more from Texas

I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time

(830): View more from Texas

well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from

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(720): View more from Colorado

yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers

(1-720): View more from Colorado

eat her like coffee?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks

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(847): View more from Illinois

Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.

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(214): View more from Texas

then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them

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(212): View more from New York

Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.

(518): View more from New York

Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!

(518): View more from New York

Oh fuck wait

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(520): View more from Arizona

You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home

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(919): View more from North Carolina

BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST

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(206): View more from Washington

there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'

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(407): View more from Florida

I think I have a pornographic memory.

(954): View more from Florida

Don't you mean photographic?

(407): View more from Florida

No.

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(469): View more from Texas

Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.

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(334): View more from Alabama

i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face

(1-334): View more from Alabama

so you're single again?

(334): View more from Alabama

yea but it was worth it

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.

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(416): View more from Toronto

He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye

(203): View more from Connecticut

Oh.

(203): View more from Connecticut

You came to the right person.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it

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(436): View more from

He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me

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(619): View more from California

Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"

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(713): View more from Texas

walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"

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(+26): View more from

Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY

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(319): View more from Iowa

He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle

(648): View more from

Since when is drunk an angle?

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(314): View more from Missouri

You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...

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(707): View more from California

Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"

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(+61): View more from Australia

there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall

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(775): View more from Nevada

have fuck

(775): View more from Nevada

*fun

(775): View more from Nevada

actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good

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(636): View more from Missouri

Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.

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(773): View more from Illinois

You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?

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(214): View more from Texas

I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week

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(609): View more from New Jersey

DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis

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(541): View more from Oregon

My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.

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(801): View more from Utah

walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.

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(905): View more from Ontario

She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.

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(858): View more from California

i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals

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(970): View more from Colorado

We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.

(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, its January.

(970): View more from Colorado

We're going to do the voices too.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.

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(325): View more from Texas

Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.

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(516): View more from New York

until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life

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(323): View more from California

Put some vodka in it

(424): View more from California

Its 7am

(323): View more from California

put some vodka in it

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.

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(404): View more from Georgia

What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?

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(+61): View more from Australia

HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS

(+61): View more from Australia

SHIRT GONE

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(757): View more from Virginia

His mom wants to come see the dorm.

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Hide the whip.

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(631): View more from New York

If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org

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(702): View more from Nevada

She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?

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(856): View more from New Jersey

It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.

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(906): View more from Michigan

You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son

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(206): View more from Washington

yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey

(1-206): View more from Washington

Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

(828): View more from North Carolina

Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

(864): View more from South Carolina

Previous statement retracted.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact

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(440): View more from Ohio

You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom

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(217): View more from Illinois

Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

My cha cha got a haircut

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf

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(817): View more from Texas

Hey do you remember me?

(903): View more from Texas

You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?

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(303): View more from Colorado

as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".

(253): View more from Washington

who is this

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom

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(210): View more from Texas

Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer

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(323): View more from California

I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.

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(813): View more from Florida

There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.

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(647): View more from Ontario

We're like a dynamic duo.

(1-647): View more from Ontario

Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.

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(970): View more from Colorado

We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard

(970): View more from Colorado

I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock

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(404): View more from Georgia

He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."

(716): View more from New York

lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.

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(317): View more from Indiana

My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick

(1-317): View more from Indiana

That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes

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(618): View more from Illinois

I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.

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(425): View more from Washington

You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.

(206): View more from Washington

The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!

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(309): View more from Illinois

Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.

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(914): View more from New York

Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.

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(301): View more from Maryland

SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.

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(786): View more from Florida

He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him

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(301): View more from Maryland

Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.

(240): View more from Maryland

Sorry, who is this??

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(509): View more from Washington

Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

just found a picture from last night.

(662): View more from Mississippi

the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?

(601): View more from Mississippi

uhm.... no?...

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple

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(972): View more from Texas

I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.

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(516): View more from New York

look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?

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(213): View more from California

I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.

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(289): View more from Ontario

The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.

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(319): View more from Iowa

THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

On a side note apparently my brother is gay

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(410): View more from Maryland

Help everyone's hot

(410): View more from Maryland

Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot

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(813): View more from Florida

Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.

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(727): View more from Florida

Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.

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(925): View more from California

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.

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(631): View more from New York

Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me

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(607): View more from New York

I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.

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(210): View more from Texas

Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana

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(740): View more from Ohio

I have a surprise for you guys

(937): View more from Ohio

What is it?

(740): View more from Ohio

A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.

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(813): View more from Florida

Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.

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(317): View more from Indiana

If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.

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(813): View more from Florida

Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule

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(410): View more from Maryland

It was a book called Gay Safari.

(443): View more from Maryland

I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel

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(706): View more from Georgia

I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.

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(904): View more from Florida

That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Use "feeling words"

(1-317): View more from Indiana

Yay

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(208): View more from Idaho

This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...

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(618): View more from Illinois

I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?

(727): View more from Florida

Oh god...probably.

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(771): View more from

Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.

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(208): View more from Idaho

He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.

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(530): View more from California

Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.

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(559): View more from California

Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"

(707): View more from California

Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI

(1-520): View more from Arizona

this is why i love drunk you

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(541): View more from Oregon

You'll pass into the great gay beyond

(734): View more from Michigan

Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic

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(360): View more from Washington

Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.

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(574): View more from Indiana

I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM

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(404): View more from Georgia

Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!

(1-404): View more from Georgia

Be safe. And I hate you.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.

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(949): View more from California

the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?

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(480): View more from Arizona

strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor

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(708): View more from Illinois

Bruh why you gotta judge

(415): View more from California

You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means

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(416): View more from Toronto

My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.

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(214): View more from Texas

Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

Now it's a party.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick

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(530): View more from California

You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.

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(210): View more from Texas

Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-

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(805): View more from California

It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"

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(910): View more from North Carolina

One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you

(1-240): View more from Maryland

Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina

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(434): View more from Virginia

I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.

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(352): View more from Florida

He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.

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(630): View more from Illinois

You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.

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(269): View more from Michigan

CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef

(240): View more from Maryland

Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!

(202): View more from Washington, DC

That is the exact response I was looking for.

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(727): View more from Florida

I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun

(1-727): View more from Florida

he's literally satan but yeah probably

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(206): View more from Washington

steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.

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(630): View more from Illinois

There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"

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(505): View more from New Mexico

did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?

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(760): View more from California

You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker

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(305): View more from Florida

Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot

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(916): View more from California

BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.

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(512): View more from Texas

Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?

(1-810): View more from Michigan

A safari of penis I hurt to the core

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(256): View more from Alabama

It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls

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(424): View more from California

He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.

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(757): View more from Virginia

he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it

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(213): View more from California

WTF DUDE?

(323): View more from California

Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this

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(281): View more from Texas

Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.

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(210): View more from Texas

He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life

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(310): View more from California

my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.

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(519): View more from Ontario

You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything

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(313): View more from Michigan

Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.

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(206): View more from Washington

Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers

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(513): View more from Ohio

It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust

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(509): View more from Washington

Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.

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(224): View more from Illinois

You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing

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(619): View more from California

The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.

(1-619): View more from California

Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.

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(613): View more from Ontario

OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch

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(505): View more from New Mexico

It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

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(360): View more from Washington

Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.

(253): View more from Washington

you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Im calling him

(606): View more from Kentucky

was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember

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(618): View more from Illinois

Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."

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(802): View more from Vermont

my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay

(602): View more from Arizona

I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"

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(805): View more from California

You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.

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(813): View more from Florida

We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.

(910): View more from North Carolina

im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325

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(519): View more from Ontario

We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.

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(914): View more from New York

Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.

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(858): View more from California

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.

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(512): View more from Texas

Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.

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(360): View more from Washington

You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.

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(954): View more from Florida

"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.

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(661): View more from California

Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.

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(631): View more from New York

so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.

(631): View more from New York

what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK

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(315): View more from New York

mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.

(315): View more from New York

hahahaha slap the bag.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.

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(207): View more from Maine

hows the new call of duty?

(1-207): View more from Maine

I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".

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(757): View more from Virginia

It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like

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(253): View more from Washington

Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex

(206): View more from Washington

Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(402): View more from Nebraska

There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Lets go hit some boners bro!

(1-989): View more from Michigan

I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.

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(620): View more from Kansas

Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.

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(419): View more from Ohio

omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.

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(714): View more from California

I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.

(1-714): View more from California

DAD WTF

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.

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(941): View more from Florida

I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.

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(314): View more from Missouri

He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass

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(313): View more from Michigan

Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Gonna be tough to beat that next year!

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Let me tell you the story of bicurious george

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(845): View more from New York

if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party

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(714): View more from California

So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place

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(440): View more from Ohio

I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.

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(561): View more from Florida

He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him

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(859): View more from Kentucky

It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.

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(216): View more from Ohio

bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away

(440): View more from Ohio

isn't bella the cat???

(216): View more from Ohio

that she is

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(650): View more from California

I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.

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(815): View more from Illinois

After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.

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(812): View more from Indiana

The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age

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(212): View more from New York

Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?

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(303): View more from Colorado

So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.

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(650): View more from California

I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name

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(404): View more from Georgia

Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit

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(318): View more from Louisiana

When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias

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(818): View more from California

The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this

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(440): View more from Ohio

I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says

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(928): View more from Arizona

I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.

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(707): View more from California

You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.

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(616): View more from Michigan

We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky

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(517): View more from Michigan

I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.

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(616): View more from Michigan

This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.

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(714): View more from California

It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.

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(530): View more from California

My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans

(530): View more from California

You've been usurped as King of the Gays

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(540): View more from Virginia

Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.

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(620): View more from Kansas

I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.

(510): View more from California

I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.

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(951): View more from California

You danced?!

(714): View more from California

I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp

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(719): View more from Colorado

he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm not really sure actually. until I fell in love with a boy (which was just a few weeks ago) I thought my attraction to men was purely physical.

(201): View more from New Jersey

so you were gay...and then you realized you were EVEN MORE gay

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(512): View more from Texas

like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies

(210): View more from Texas

THE END IS NEIGH

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(706): View more from Georgia

He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

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(573): View more from Missouri

He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment

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(775): View more from Nevada

are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise

(702): View more from Nevada

I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise

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(207): View more from Maine

When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.

(1-207): View more from Maine

That's not what Jesus is for

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(647): View more from Ontario

You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws

(416): View more from Toronto

That explains the stains on my shirt

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(409): View more from Texas

He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!

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(607): View more from New York

There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.

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(641): View more from Iowa

Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.

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(972): View more from Texas

Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?

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(317): View more from Indiana

considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead

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(757): View more from Virginia

you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'

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(707): View more from California

If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.

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(904): View more from Florida

Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?

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(765): View more from Indiana

So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...

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(+33): View more from France

Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

Did you win?

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(404): View more from Georgia

Gross! What the hell is that?!?

(623): View more from Arizona

It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise

(802): View more from Vermont

Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian

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(845): View more from New York

I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.

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(256): View more from Alabama

He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?

(303): View more from Colorado

They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.

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(281): View more from Texas

I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.

(713): View more from Texas

I'm coming over.

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(315): View more from New York

HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA

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(734): View more from Michigan

So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.

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(253): View more from Washington

So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter

(1-253): View more from Washington

Wow, he seems so solid

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."

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(317): View more from Indiana

In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?

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(207): View more from Maine

Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.

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(310): View more from California

If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.

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(585): View more from New York

You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.

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(650): View more from California

I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.

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(925): View more from California

You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Come get me, I'm fucking scared.

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(212): View more from New York

How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?

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(707): View more from California

I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.

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(757): View more from Virginia

It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.

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(425): View more from Washington

My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...

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(713): View more from Texas

I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are

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(940): View more from Texas

Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.

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(386): View more from Florida

My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0

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(219): View more from Indiana

Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help

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(919): View more from North Carolina

You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties

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(318): View more from Louisiana

At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?

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(314): View more from Missouri

He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me

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(434): View more from Virginia

I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.

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(678): View more from Georgia

She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.

(1-678): View more from Georgia

Sweet, got a date tomorrow night

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex

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(530): View more from California

He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!

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(815): View more from Illinois

I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.

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(319): View more from Iowa

I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.

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(229): View more from Georgia

Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..

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(815): View more from Illinois

I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.

(1-815): View more from Illinois

Me too.

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(516): View more from New York

mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?

(1-516): View more from New York

all of them.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do

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(772): View more from Florida

I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.

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(478): View more from Georgia

I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick

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(310): View more from California

My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.

(1-310): View more from California

That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.

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(720): View more from Colorado

His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.

(1-720): View more from Colorado

I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.

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(303): View more from Colorado

My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."

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(614): View more from Ohio

My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?

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(515): View more from Iowa

I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.

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(850): View more from Florida

Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked

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(818): View more from California

Hahah what did you even say to him?!

(805): View more from California

That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?

(818): View more from California

Oh.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.

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(519): View more from Ontario

What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?

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(941): View more from Florida

That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

It happened again.

(612): View more from Minnesota

What?

(651): View more from Minnesota

I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.

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(425): View more from Washington

you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass

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(727): View more from Florida

Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?

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(303): View more from Colorado

I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.

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(813): View more from Florida

Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?

(813): View more from Florida

Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?

(1-813): View more from Florida

Stop reading WebMD high.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil

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(517): View more from Michigan

Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

WHAT IS HAPPENING

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.

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(760): View more from California

Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun

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(503): View more from Oregon

I like the wholesome side of you

(571): View more from Virginia

I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.

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(914): View more from New York

Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.

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(415): View more from California

What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises

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(952): View more from Minnesota

why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay

(763): View more from Minnesota

He was that good?

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(786): View more from Florida

Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.

(1-786): View more from Florida

Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?

(786): View more from Florida

I insist.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.

(1+61): View more from

Dude, you're not even gay.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"

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(313): View more from Michigan

he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.

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(315): View more from New York

There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster

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(214): View more from Texas

Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat

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(770): View more from Georgia

So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?

(404): View more from Georgia

So many things can go wrong tonight.

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(516): View more from New York

I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.

(1-516): View more from New York

Thanks for the support, sis.

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(925): View more from California

Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you

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(219): View more from Indiana

Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.

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(361): View more from Texas

My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.

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(302): View more from Delaware

apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.

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(727): View more from Florida

The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.

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(207): View more from Maine

No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.

(207): View more from Maine

What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?

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(616): View more from Michigan

do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.

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(760): View more from California

Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now

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(318): View more from Louisiana

What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?

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(309): View more from Illinois

Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.

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(561): View more from Florida

Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"

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(404): View more from Georgia

My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.

(218): View more from Minnesota

And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.

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(850): View more from Florida

Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.

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(516): View more from New York

I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it

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(937): View more from Ohio

I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.

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(914): View more from New York

Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.

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(406): View more from Montana

I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!

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(512): View more from Texas

I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."

(512): View more from Texas

No more tequila EVER.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens

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(386): View more from Florida

I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Oh my god I found my bf's erotica

(270): View more from Kentucky

OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.

(270): View more from Kentucky

OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.

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(254): View more from Texas

We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)

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(912): View more from Georgia

Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.

(404): View more from Georgia

STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

where will you be at 9:30 tonight?

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

piledriving you in your roommate's bed?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration

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(210): View more from Texas

Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting

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(269): View more from Michigan

So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea

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(307): View more from Wyoming

We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.

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(760): View more from California

Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5

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(304): View more from West Virginia

as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose

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(479): View more from Arkansas

National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes

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(229): View more from Georgia

Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.

(1-715): View more from Wisconsin

PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.

(1-715): View more from Wisconsin

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.

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(661): View more from California

Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.

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(713): View more from Texas

This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me

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(716): View more from New York

You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer

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(719): View more from Colorado

I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"

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(708): View more from Illinois

All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.

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(802): View more from Vermont

when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.

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(571): View more from Virginia

i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"

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(303): View more from Colorado

He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.

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(217): View more from Illinois

the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy

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(623): View more from Arizona

Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.

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(207): View more from Maine

So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.

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(408): View more from California

This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!

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(614): View more from Ohio

Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.

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(904): View more from Florida

A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern

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(515): View more from Iowa

yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now

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(817): View more from Texas

she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.

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(319): View more from Iowa

umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do

(1-319): View more from Iowa

put a dollar in it?

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(416): View more from Ontario

Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.

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(408): View more from California

she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room

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(626): View more from California

HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?

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(813): View more from Florida

Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?

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(510): View more from California

Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me

(206): View more from Washington

That is an interesting fear as well as image

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(203): View more from Connecticut

so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that

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(650): View more from California

dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king

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(714): View more from California

Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.

(1-714): View more from California

If he was naked that was me.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.

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(562): View more from California

We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.

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(303): View more from Colorado

how did operation slutty penguin go?

(619): View more from California

pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter

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(253): View more from Washington

so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning

(1-253): View more from Washington

because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'

(253): View more from Washington

no more ever clear

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(201): View more from New Jersey

A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face

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(313): View more from Michigan

It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.

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(712): View more from Iowa

I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.

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(219): View more from Indiana

My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Did you hit it?

(616): View more from Michigan

Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.

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(707): View more from California

drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.

(1+44): View more from

When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.

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(214): View more from Texas

I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.

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(353): View more from

I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!

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(940): View more from Texas

Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago

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(718): View more from New York

I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!

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(678): View more from Georgia

My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?

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(734): View more from Michigan

He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife

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(469): View more from Texas

Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them

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(703): View more from Virginia

I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.

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(636): View more from Missouri

No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!

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(410): View more from Maryland

She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with

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(281): View more from Texas

Dinner?

(713): View more from Texas

YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!

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(713): View more from Texas

My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"

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(812): View more from Indiana

It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...

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(775): View more from Nevada

he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again

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(434): View more from Virginia

If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo

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(408): View more from California

I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.

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(909): View more from California

dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley

(502): View more from Kentucky

C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB

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(703): View more from Virginia

i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Lube is flammable

(404): View more from Georgia

Who is this??

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(620): View more from Kansas

Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.

(1-701): View more from North Dakota

Jesus, are you hammered?

(701): View more from North Dakota

Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.

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(587): View more from Alberta

My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean

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(775): View more from Nevada

Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight

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(206): View more from Washington

She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.

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(251): View more from Alabama

Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna

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(940): View more from Texas

Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night

(1-940): View more from Texas

I don't have a cat..?

(940): View more from Texas

Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I know she was great

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

I like the way you think.

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(914): View more from New York

He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?

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(425): View more from Washington

Where the royal fuck are you??

(1-425): View more from Washington

The depths of vodka hell.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."

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(248): View more from Michigan

Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?

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(828): View more from North Carolina

you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.

(716): View more from New York

The apple don't fall far from that tree.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.

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(309): View more from Illinois

It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.

(1-309): View more from Illinois

...Wow...

(309): View more from Illinois

I could be a kindergarten teacher

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(817): View more from Texas

I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.

(682): View more from Texas

Congrats, you're all grown up now.

(817): View more from Texas

I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat

(615): View more from Tennessee

And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing

(203): View more from Connecticut

Did you run away?

(615): View more from Tennessee

I DANCED AWAY.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?

(651): View more from Minnesota

its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me

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(806): View more from Texas

Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.

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(678): View more from Georgia

apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.

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(260): View more from Indiana

I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Her idea of kinky involved a tazer

(850): View more from Florida

wtf?

(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm going back tonight

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(720): View more from Colorado

The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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(739): View more from

IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING

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(61): View more from Australia

Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed

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(631): View more from New York

You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.

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(406): View more from Montana

he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten

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(530): View more from California

After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?

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(660): View more from Missouri

My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA

(816): View more from Missouri

Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?

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(310): View more from California

That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch

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(740): View more from Ohio

Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.

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(815): View more from Illinois

If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.

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(360): View more from Washington

There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.

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(313): View more from Michigan

He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.

(313): View more from Michigan

I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.

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(705): View more from Ontario

you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"

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(903): View more from Texas

I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?

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(845): View more from New York

Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(631): View more from New York

Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.

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(319): View more from Iowa

You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.

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(630): View more from Illinois

We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.

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(541): View more from Oregon

It's like the blind leading the senile over here.

(541): View more from Oregon

UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.

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(571): View more from Virginia

next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave

(703): View more from Virginia

and miss being on the news....no way

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(970): View more from Colorado

Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?

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(217): View more from Illinois

yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.

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(812): View more from Indiana

gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar

(219): View more from Indiana

I need you to use more vowels.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You guys are open that late?

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(703): View more from Virginia

Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...

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(314): View more from Missouri

You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night

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(646): View more from New York

Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities

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(585): View more from New York

The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us

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(847): View more from Illinois

The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.

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(951): View more from California

I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.

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(210): View more from Texas

I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..

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(607): View more from New York

I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.

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(585): View more from New York

You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.

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(301): View more from Maryland

my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.

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(585): View more from New York

You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!

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(330): View more from Ohio

he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..

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(727): View more from Florida

There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Gym?

(801): View more from Utah

Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.

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(512): View more from Texas

Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon

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(407): View more from Florida

The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.

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(209): View more from California

just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment

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(409): View more from Texas

It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man

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(785): View more from Kansas

When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.

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(310): View more from California

Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.

(310): View more from California

Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?

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(630): View more from Illinois

There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session

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(812): View more from Indiana

Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.

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(323): View more from California

I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.

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(630): View more from Illinois

just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.

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(248): View more from Michigan

My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug

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(256): View more from Alabama

I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me

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(386): View more from Florida

he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget

(1-316): View more from Kansas

He meets the coolest people when he's drunk

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(773): View more from Illinois

I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it

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(416): View more from Toronto

I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass

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(989): View more from Michigan

Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.

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(845): View more from New York

Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success

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(613): View more from Ontario

Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad

(1-613): View more from Ontario

I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

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(972): View more from Texas

The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way

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(626): View more from California

You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal

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(847): View more from Illinois

I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?

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(713): View more from Texas

just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.

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(907): View more from Alaska

You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you

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(703): View more from Virginia

Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk

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(469): View more from Texas

Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?

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(785): View more from Kansas

Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.

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(951): View more from California

my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today

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(858): View more from California

I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.

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(847): View more from Illinois

This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.

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(313): View more from Michigan

You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink

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(519): View more from Ontario

He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob

(1-931): View more from Tennessee

Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.

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(229): View more from Georgia

He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.

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(212): View more from New York

He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket

(617): View more from Massachusetts

I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!

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(630): View more from Illinois

The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.

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(417): View more from Missouri

woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.

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(519): View more from Ontario

someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF

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(410): View more from Maryland

Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop

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(765): View more from Indiana

He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...

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(404): View more from Georgia

Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.

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(626): View more from California

Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.

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(914): View more from New York

Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.

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(941): View more from Florida

The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo

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(612): View more from Minnesota

maybe i'll see you again later :)

(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'd rather shit a knife.

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(+81): View more from

He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????

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(504): View more from Louisiana

She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that

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(914): View more from New York

I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man

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(940): View more from Texas

Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.

(1-940): View more from Texas

Pride claims another victim

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(847): View more from Illinois

He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.

(312): View more from Illinois

So... He's a barber?

(847): View more from Illinois

No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...

(612): View more from Minnesota

I want my thong back.

(763): View more from Minnesota

I hate you tequila.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.

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(647): View more from Ontario

The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."

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(443): View more from Maryland

i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.

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(914): View more from New York

Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.

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(+61): View more from Australia

why is my forehead so bruised?

(1+61): View more from

i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.

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(949): View more from California

I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences

(714): View more from California

???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences

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(307): View more from Wyoming

We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.

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(757): View more from Virginia

ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."

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(865): View more from Tennessee

we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.

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(530): View more from California

We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."

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(804): View more from Virginia

I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?

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(407): View more from Florida

it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.

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(631): View more from New York

A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.

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(916): View more from California

WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!

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(775): View more from Nevada

Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot

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(443): View more from Maryland

You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.

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(831): View more from California

She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.

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(801): View more from Utah

When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.

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(573): View more from Missouri

You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..

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(573): View more from Missouri

Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.

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(815): View more from Illinois

A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"

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(602): View more from Arizona

Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.

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(702): View more from Nevada

We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.

(843): View more from South Carolina

You're the best wingman ever.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."

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(859): View more from Kentucky

The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express

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(516): View more from New York

If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles

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(757): View more from Virginia

Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"

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(512): View more from Texas

He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".

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(352): View more from Florida

I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?

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(+49): View more from Germany

Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.

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(817): View more from Texas

he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.

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(760): View more from California

Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.

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(707): View more from California

I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots

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(419): View more from Ohio

Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.

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(989): View more from Michigan

You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...

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(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning

(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk

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(904): View more from Florida

Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.

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(404): View more from Georgia

All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream

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(954): View more from Florida

Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk

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(714): View more from California

All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.

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(641): View more from Iowa

is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.

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(813): View more from Florida

Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.

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(352): View more from Florida

Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night

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(512): View more from Texas

after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.

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(415): View more from California

I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.

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(989): View more from Michigan

private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.

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(818): View more from California

You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants

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(843): View more from South Carolina

These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here

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(505): View more from New Mexico

There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.

(865): View more from Tennessee

How do you even...

(770): View more from Georgia

The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks

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(619): View more from California

had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.

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(213): View more from California

His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.

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(310): View more from California

At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.

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(925): View more from California

We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?

(1-870): View more from Arkansas

well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic

(870): View more from Arkansas

what chic?

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(847): View more from Illinois

Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"

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(313): View more from Michigan

I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs

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(716): View more from New York

Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

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(913): View more from Kansas

I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again

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(330): View more from Ohio

You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha

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(518): View more from New York

She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.

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(812): View more from Indiana

i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

What the fuck, why would you ever do that?

(250): View more from British Columbia

Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?

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(614): View more from Ohio

The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?

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(315): View more from New York

a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"

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(904): View more from Florida

Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.

(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm moving there. Get me hired.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away

(781): View more from Massachusetts

i think i might be a female sloth

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(214): View more from Texas

I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...

(1-214): View more from Texas

Mike i'm at church right now...

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(310): View more from California

can your parents tell?

(310): View more from California

i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know

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(740): View more from Ohio

I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?

(604): View more from British Columbia

And your cock privileges have been revoked.

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(940): View more from Texas

My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!

(940): View more from Texas

HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.

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(214): View more from Texas

Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?

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(530): View more from California

.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.

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(212): View more from New York

You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her

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(518): View more from New York

I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"

(703): View more from Virginia

Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.

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(727): View more from Florida

I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes

(937): View more from Ohio

Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.

(1-985): View more from Louisiana

Do I have a choice?

(985): View more from Louisiana

I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.

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(216): View more from Ohio

She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings

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(815): View more from Illinois

Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch

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(305): View more from Florida

he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.

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(801): View more from Utah

I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.

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(516): View more from New York

Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!

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(917): View more from New York City

You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?

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(720): View more from Colorado

This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

What drugs are we doing when you visit?

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm lost and stupid without you.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.

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(214): View more from Texas

You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.

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(816): View more from Missouri

dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine

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(503): View more from Oregon

Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.

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(269): View more from Michigan

"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken

(269): View more from Michigan

"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy

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(519): View more from Ontario

I think he's speaking German to me now

(519): View more from Ontario

Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly

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(509): View more from Washington

Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.

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(850): View more from Florida

At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.

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(516): View more from New York

It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post

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(248): View more from Michigan

You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.

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(818): View more from California

I'm like cupid

(1-818): View more from California

You're a whore with a bow and arrow

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.

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(408): View more from California

Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions

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(904): View more from Florida

stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive

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(440): View more from Ohio

And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link

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(630): View more from Illinois

my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."

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(317): View more from Indiana

it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.

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(361): View more from Texas

I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon

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(605): View more from South Dakota

We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.

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(903): View more from Texas

He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding

(541): View more from Oregon

Can I have him when you're done?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle

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(515): View more from Iowa

His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month

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(906): View more from Michigan

Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I think my fart just growled at me.

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(240): View more from Maryland

this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.

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(847): View more from Illinois

When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.

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(716): View more from New York

oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear

(1-716): View more from New York

The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear

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(989): View more from Michigan

Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.

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(360): View more from Washington

You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.

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(916): View more from California

you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.

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(530): View more from California

When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.

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(415): View more from California

And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.

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(207): View more from Maine

I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it

(617): View more from Massachusetts

We call that spaghetti Os

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(925): View more from California

Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.

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(618): View more from Illinois

So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.

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(410): View more from Maryland

so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

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(402): View more from Nebraska

THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO

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(404): View more from Georgia

Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?

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(706): View more from Georgia

It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...

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(425): View more from Washington

He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.

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(804): View more from Virginia

there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!

(1-804): View more from Virginia

Wait are they playing beer pong to?

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(530): View more from California

I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.

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(281): View more from Texas

She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

...

(281): View more from Texas

Exactly.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."

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(808): View more from Hawaii

you were grabbing cocks left and right

(808): View more from Hawaii

you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.

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(716): View more from New York

Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.

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(770): View more from Georgia

ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.

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(806): View more from Texas

We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.

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(574): View more from Indiana

he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog

(1-574): View more from Indiana

knight in shining armor

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(775): View more from Nevada

He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight

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(360): View more from Washington

Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.

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(253): View more from Washington

Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.

(802): View more from Vermont

So basically you were a dog.

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(719): View more from Colorado

She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.

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(949): View more from California

I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?

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(239): View more from Florida

just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

Thanks dad.

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(708): View more from Illinois

she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF

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(206): View more from Washington

Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.

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(956): View more from Texas

I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.

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(561): View more from Florida

I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"

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(562): View more from California

he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.

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(813): View more from Florida

My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.

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(703): View more from Virginia

When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.

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(541): View more from Oregon

You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself

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(773): View more from Illinois

there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.

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(618): View more from Illinois

You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?

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(817): View more from Texas

There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this

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(305): View more from Florida

I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"

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(253): View more from Washington

We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.

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(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high

(808): View more from Hawaii

worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

nevermind....I'm on the way

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(212): View more from New York

You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?

(475): View more from Connecticut

Yeah?

(212): View more from New York

Stuck it in his pooper.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.

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(714): View more from California

I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

(949): View more from California

I gave it to your brother to give to you.

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(650): View more from California

Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.

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(514): View more from Quebec

Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.

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(816): View more from Missouri

You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

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(360): View more from Washington

he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(630): View more from Illinois

You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it

(708): View more from Illinois

So thats why that cop beat my ass?

(630): View more from Illinois

Probably

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?

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(713): View more from Texas

She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.

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(712): View more from Iowa

He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid

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(425): View more from Washington

I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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(517): View more from Michigan

Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.

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(614): View more from Ohio

This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...

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(912): View more from Georgia

then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again

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(972): View more from Texas

The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions

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(509): View more from Washington

Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you

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(314): View more from Missouri

And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...

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(573): View more from Missouri

Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too

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(974): View more from

You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.

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(512): View more from Texas

He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear

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(88): View more from

As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.

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