Texts From Last Night · texanangel's Favorites

Sorry knop252 hasn't picked any favorites yet.

texanangel's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(816): View more from Missouri

and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.

Fav 17 4953 1489
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk

Fav 20 6103 982
share tweet

(718): View more from New York

i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..

Fav 11 3911 1456
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue

Fav 6 5911 1227
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"

(314): View more from Missouri

did it work

(573): View more from Missouri

that's not the point...

Fav 74 10041 1465
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you

(386): View more from Florida

girlfriend?

Fav 21 1131 9742
share tweet

(617): View more from Massachusetts

were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them

Fav 56 5312 1012
share tweet

(812): View more from Indiana

After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.

Fav 55 5979 1813
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?

Fav 77 5885 872
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.

Fav 9 8210 1270
share tweet
(951): View more from California

Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.

(951): View more from California

Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.

Fav 24 1775 2688
share tweet

(703): View more from Virginia

I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.

Fav 21 5410 1555
share tweet

(303): View more from Colorado

i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.

Fav 17 2111 3328
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.

Fav 12 8134 1353
share tweet

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you

Fav 35 9718 2200
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.

Fav 15 2667 1302
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.

Fav 10 3362 1922
share tweet
(323): View more from California

Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.

Fav 32 2503 4601
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.

(1-316): View more from Kansas

That's how you know you deserve to be a senior

Fav 13 4999 1126
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.

Fav 8 5809 1204
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?

Fav 30 3261 3896
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...

Fav 6 3777 1052
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"

Fav 4 4407 1144
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.

Fav 7 1244 2619
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation

Fav 4 3325 1096
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.

Fav 18 8569 2316
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??

Fav 12 3534 1769
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.

Fav 24 8249 1382
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.

Fav 16 5789 1532
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?

Fav 2 3640 952
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.

Fav 6 3017 1168
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.

Fav 10 1696 3524
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.

Fav 13 7148 1279
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america

Fav 27 6988 1874
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months

Fav 10 3263 3987
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.

Fav 9 3790 1991
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.

Fav 4 1146 3330
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.

Fav 10 10144 1539
share tweet
(619): View more from California

So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.

Fav 12 8259 1318
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.

Fav 10 5036 1128
share tweet
(805): View more from California

The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break

Fav 3 3074 1051
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...

Fav 23 12437 1801
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.

Fav 12 5534 1082
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is

Fav 6 6323 1098
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"

Fav 28 5212 1383
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system

Fav 18 5225 1191
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....

Fav 18 3139 1180
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.

Fav 8 3358 1866
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display

Fav 7 3913 1156
share tweet
(805): View more from California

I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.

Fav 6 4638 1707
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.

Fav 7 6554 1197
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home

(254): View more from Texas

Challenge accepted.

Fav 8 6588 1290
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"

Fav 40 5661 5471
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.

Fav 5 7406 1282
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.

Fav 15 5064 1132
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.

Fav 45 9489 3069
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard

Fav 10 1338 3498
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?

Fav 8 6171 1349
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?

Fav 18 6103 1149
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.

Fav 38 8085 1336
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.

Fav 9 5252 1193
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.

Fav 8 5324 1660
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

Fav 50 18541 1571
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.

Fav 10 4943 2070
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.

Fav 4 4218 1203
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends

Fav 14 4630 2257
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

OMG THAT WAS YOU?!

Fav 43 9911 1850
share tweet
(575): View more from New Mexico

So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?

Fav 17 6106 1260
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.

Fav 6 4718 1167
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.

Fav 25 6604 2303
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.

Fav 5 3550 1268
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.

Fav 10 2263 3636
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Howd you meet this guy?

(612): View more from Minnesota

I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.

Fav 6 6378 2684
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands

Fav 12 4800 1922
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.

Fav 9 4528 1214
share tweet
(925): View more from California

He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me

Fav 16 1347 5150
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.

Fav 13 1341 4138
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!

Fav 12 7097 1520
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?

Fav 11 5392 1108
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you

Fav 11 5956 1900
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.

Fav 32 1985 16440
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

i would one night stand the shit outta him

Fav 11 5947 1203
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.

Fav 5 2915 1156
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.

Fav 8 3542 1382
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!

Fav 30 1453 7238
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.

Fav 23 4323 1372
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

What?

(248): View more from Michigan

..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Details.

Fav 6 2434 1134
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.

Fav 7 3613 1605
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.

Fav 45 3100 7644
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...

Fav 108 1469 6119
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

Fav 112 53249 2386
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...

Fav 15 1007 1403
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work

Fav 47 989 3636
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.

Fav 11 7365 759
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.

Fav 24 3763 2966
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old

Fav 24 1185 5587
share tweet
(714): View more from California

she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.

Fav 12 920 3267
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.

Fav 36 7779 1690
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

Fav 87 53644 3890
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.

Fav 35 1262 5280
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.

Fav 51 6889 1420
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.

Fav 39 4571 5723
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.

Fav 13 1625 3298
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.

Fav 10 3976 1249
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.

Fav 9 2446 1104
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit

Fav 12 4565 1307
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.

Fav 16 4356 1357
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.

(1-561): View more from Florida

you for real need to get over him dude

Fav 52 1261 3476
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.

Fav 11 1678 825
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist

Fav 12 5342 1386
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?

(720): View more from Colorado

This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?

Fav 98 3081 6210
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time

Fav 15 1135 4112
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave

(617): View more from Massachusetts

dude are you serious?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

I know you already have a pic on your phone

Fav 95 2936 3503
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

her facebook's as public as her vagina

Fav 43 3448 2855
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.

(810): View more from Michigan

You're 20.

(734): View more from Michigan

IT'S BUILD A BEAR!

Fav 149 12008 2612
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.

Fav 34 5311 1166
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!

Fav 2 1025 1562
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

wanna hang out tonight and remember it?

Fav 18 6500 2026
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

how was your day?

(404): View more from Georgia

fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?

Fav 21 9652 1244
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch

(636): View more from Missouri

Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?

(573): View more from Missouri

IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation

Fav 29 7464 2731
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.

Fav 19 4975 1958
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.

Fav 13 1131 5954
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.

Fav 8 5056 1124
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad

Fav 14 990 2757
share tweet
(650): View more from California

Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah

Fav 2 1987 1025
share tweet
(916): View more from California

Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms

Fav 27 12351 1079
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.

Fav 12 1332 1758
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.

Fav 14 4720 1233
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian

Fav 7 1725 3009
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.

Fav 12 5792 1433
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.

Fav 10 5356 1219
share tweet
(361): View more from Texas

I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character

Fav 8 3899 1393
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it

Fav 52 1722 6565
share tweet
(807): View more from Ontario

I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.

Fav 46 7734 1415
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?

Fav 16 5285 1115
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?

Fav 15 4980 1376
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...

Fav 15 1736 6229
share tweet
(+39): View more from

my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.

Fav 8 3146 1466
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?

Fav 29 1231 3188
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.

Fav 15 4882 1475
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?

Fav 17 1952 4744
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.

Fav 9 6893 1097
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.

Fav 73 8915 1736
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.

Fav 16 6524 1324
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?

Fav 30 5825 2181
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.

Fav 11 4896 902
share tweet
(737): View more from Texas

and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"

(303): View more from Colorado

I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."

Fav 59 4864 1379
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly

Fav 71 847 7039
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.

Fav 14 5888 2493
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.

Fav 17 6672 1373
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.

Fav 17 4522 4095
share tweet
(707): View more from California

frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.

Fav 9 4615 1462
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Adam has been drinking

(1-810): View more from Michigan

Who has his phone

(810): View more from Michigan

Adam does

Fav 15 8144 1144
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.

Fav 24 3365 1046
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"

Fav 46 15408 1888
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"

Fav 20 1531 6171
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce

Fav 19 1560 5470
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..

Fav 37 7703 2473
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.

Fav 5 1553 2745
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message

Fav 7 5331 1386
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?

Fav 6 4069 1277
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward

Fav 11 4226 1170
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.

Fav 13 8563 1643
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I drank myself into bisexuality again.

Fav 16 6462 1501
share tweet
(818): View more from California

i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign

Fav 7 1279 4510
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.

Fav 94 18750 3196
share tweet
(661): View more from California

i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..

(951): View more from California

u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!

(661): View more from California

i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u

Fav 40 8504 1226
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

Fav 63 22478 1748
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic

Fav 44 5631 1756
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

come over

(1-214): View more from Texas

yeah sure

(1-214): View more from Texas

wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10

Fav 48 8333 1241
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date

Fav 29 15043 1681
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed

Fav 46 2655 11663
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'

Fav 18 10608 1443
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?

Fav 36 5374 1054
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

no really all good couples have similar hair colors!

Fav 42 1516 3778
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.

Fav 37 8014 1602
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.

Fav 20 8271 1582
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree

Fav 46 6259 2130
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.

Fav 43 5148 1219
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth

Fav 14 2404 957
share tweet
(478): View more from Georgia

So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking

(404): View more from Georgia

how did that work out?

(478): View more from Georgia

Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...

Fav 15 5694 2062
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..

Fav 16 1024 5478
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.

Fav 43 1653 10128
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.

(1-301): View more from Maryland

I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.

Fav 39 3557 996
share tweet
(925): View more from California

we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself

(707): View more from California

dude you teach first grade wtf

Fav 57 8562 2409
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules

Fav 2 1836 810
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.

Fav 12 909 3472
share tweet
(626): View more from California

All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.

Fav 19 4894 1461
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.

Fav 10 10107 1297
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.

Fav 5 6208 1909
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.

Fav 9 5800 1181
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.

Fav 15 9006 1565
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?

Fav 9 4856 1546
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.

Fav 12 4877 1345
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure

Fav 6 4165 1343
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.

Fav 13 5873 1548
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.

Fav 8 1441 2947
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.

Fav 10 2779 3946
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?

Fav 7 4007 1509
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.

Fav 11 9479 1438
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.

Fav 25 4012 3152
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed

Fav 5 5192 1131
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME

Fav 16 4333 1531
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there

Fav 12 5523 1517
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!

(1-330): View more from Ohio

is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?

Fav 5 4289 1613
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.

Fav 11 7083 1284
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once

Fav 3 5391 1208
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful

Fav 4 1424 3339
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.

Fav 3 3205 1100
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.

Fav 12 7944 1356
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

Fav 71 25976 2502
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups

Fav 13 6587 1217
share tweet
(807): View more from Ontario

he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants

Fav 12 2098 6065
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.

Fav 4 4971 1345
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.

Fav 14 5778 1407
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.

Fav 9 5037 1542
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

Missed another period

(1-239): View more from Florida

I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.

Fav 10 1520 4012
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship

Fav 7 4243 1359
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.

Fav 12 1790 3710
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.

Fav 31 10631 1612
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers

Fav 11 2231 3719
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends

Fav 7 3245 1248
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.

(713): View more from Texas

I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Texas should really raise its teaching standards.

Fav 24 3427 901
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.

Fav 21 2052 4573
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now

Fav 25 9366 1837
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.

Fav 20 6457 1281
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.

Fav 15 6021 1686
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.

Fav 22 1618 9918
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.

Fav 12 8354 1383
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."

Fav 24 2049 14905
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.

Fav 11 6132 1547
share tweet
(754): View more from Florida

I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.

Fav 8 5133 1296
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Totally get that.

Fav 13 6541 1586
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.

Fav 10 4339 1928
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl

Fav 24 1244 6726
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....

Fav 5 5463 1222
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.

Fav 28 6461 5059
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.

Fav 91 2155 25270
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

how could i say no?

Fav 28 6865 2111
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?

(1-218): View more from Minnesota

Both?

Fav 21 9780 1537
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.

Fav 17 1393 6421
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".

Fav 13 3313 2168
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.

Fav 14 1049 4616
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.

Fav 18 6864 1521
share tweet
(213): View more from California

Her brother is deaf.

(214): View more from Texas

no wonder she was so good with her hands

Fav 6 5806 1338
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up

Fav 25 4473 1423
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this

Fav 40 2205 6951
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

did u get his digits?

(201): View more from New Jersey

yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...

Fav 8 5377 1322
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.

(540): View more from Virginia

You guys make me sad

(703): View more from Virginia

You misspelled jealous there

Fav 23 12231 1870
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.

Fav 14 1477 4233
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college

Fav 13 4877 1984
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.

Fav 89 1805 10581
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.

Fav 11 5427 2021
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.

Fav 30 12865 2260
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"

Fav 7 5645 1937
share tweet
(949): View more from California

The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning

Fav 35 949 5278
share tweet
(432): View more from Texas

So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?

(207): View more from Maine

You need to stop watching Twilight.

Fav 48 1643 1833
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?

Fav 85 18520 1717
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.

Fav 51 1547 11869
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer

Fav 32 5870 1546
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

Fav 44 17661 1752
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.

Fav 45 11737 2892
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

You don't think I'm weird or immature right?

(917): View more from New York City

No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets

Fav 40 5016 4280
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...

(1-937): View more from Ohio

I see you've learned your lesson.

Fav 12 6917 1279
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.

Fav 85 11154 2920
share tweet
(510): View more from California

turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks

Fav 26 4390 1083
share tweet
(650): View more from California

an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.

Fav 81 10753 3306
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.

Fav 21 6640 1263
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.

Fav 43 6818 1379
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night

Fav 16 1857 4381
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.

Fav 13 6146 1503
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.

Fav 10 6667 1525
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.

Fav 11 4582 2096
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.

Fav 22 2164 6199
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with

Fav 24 7452 2457
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.

Fav 97 4803 10323
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me

Fav 19 5594 2123
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."

(319): View more from Iowa

Decisions, decisions.

Fav 46 9216 1501
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.

(1-417): View more from Missouri

That's because you are an idiot.

Fav 17 2148 5275
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.

Fav 21 6462 1464
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.

Fav 42 5631 1116
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..

Fav 16 1900 5914
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you

Fav 20 5377 1356
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.

Fav 29 6043 1618
share tweet
(+27): View more from South Africa

My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.

Fav 17 2740 5168
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.

Fav 9 7094 1903
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it

Fav 17 4882 1578
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here

Fav 13 2311 5171
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.

Fav 44 8018 2539
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old

Fav 23 2156 7180
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?

Fav 35 2773 10481
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

and what did he say?

(614): View more from Ohio

there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.

Fav 51 13679 1687
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation

Fav 29 2233 6492
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

Fav 58 15472 2160
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

i can't find my house

(1-845): View more from New York

we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

(845): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure my house moved.

Fav 51 14290 1960
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours

Fav 27 6567 1947
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.

(608): View more from Wisconsin

Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.

Fav 66 5007 1603
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.

Fav 28 1602 13219
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.

Fav 10 5703 1209
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's

Fav 35 1538 5134
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

Fav 117 48530 2768
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

Fav 111 47668 3211
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

Fav 182 53568 2640
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

Fav 207 53713 3599
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

Fav 298 76382 3429
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.

(816): View more from Missouri

..So we should take it off Youtube?

Fav 28 11680 2189
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?

(774): View more from Massachusetts

Someone just got laid.

Fav 17 9768 1649
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?

(1-330): View more from Ohio

she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.

Fav 33 6189 2012
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.

Fav 155 8592 8963
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.

Fav 65 3946 1501
share tweet
(575): View more from New Mexico

We need to talk about our relationship.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes

Fav 20 9451 1869
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.

Fav 24 1677 5594
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Ask politely.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Thats good enough.

Fav 62 14043 1745
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]

Fav 29 12047 2999
share tweet
(562): View more from California

the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

Fav 95 21329 2346
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.

Fav 46 5904 2414
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter

Fav 31 9728 1632
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.

Fav 30 2525 6569
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

Fav 76 17029 2587
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?

Fav 23 1511 5325
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

like hot dogs and buns.

Fav 22 8748 1585
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."

Fav 17 985 4216
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

Fav 99 27492 1856
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...

Fav 9 5044 965
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Me specifically?

(903): View more from Texas

Yep.

Fav 44 10103 1551
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed

Fav 17 7240 1335
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

(404): View more from Georgia

You mean bread?

Fav 60 17838 1910
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.

Fav 36 6062 1281
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

Is he smart?

(1-952): View more from Minnesota

Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.

Fav 20 6352 1475
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.

(618): View more from Illinois

Disappointment?

Fav 11 1738 4403
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

Fav 44 15905 1914
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.

Fav 20 1335 4859
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I can't believe he cheated

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how

Fav 37 1292 3339
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.

Fav 39 1839 5211
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.

Fav 24 7752 1072
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.

(1-765): View more from Indiana

yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.

Fav 21 985 2812
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today

Fav 3 1359 1606
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Please get laid.

Fav 37 2232 6276
share tweet
(661): View more from California

His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger

Fav 32 11892 1461
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.

Fav 11 9095 1477
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.

Fav 18 6092 1869
share tweet
(661): View more from California

aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet

(623): View more from Arizona

And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs

(661): View more from California

Exactly.

Fav 18 7365 1532
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.

Fav 48 8333 2401
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?

(203): View more from Connecticut

bc i get to see you. naked.

Fav 24 8732 1813
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

i think i left my bra at your place

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.

Fav 22 11226 1445
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.

Fav 117 1591 6078
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?

(770): View more from Georgia

I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."

Fav 6 3006 1183
share tweet
(209): View more from California

Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.

Fav 5 4125 1038
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...

Fav 35 5170 2350
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You might as well just give her the money now.

Fav 72 4315 1827
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.

Fav 65 14164 1186
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.

Fav 29 6851 1479
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.

Fav 13 6942 1912
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.

Fav 22 7708 1694
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

we've started having sober sex

(203): View more from Connecticut

you really do like him

Fav 19 9225 1343
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.

Fav 18 1329 2648
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory

Fav 21 11459 1169
share tweet
(228): View more from Mississippi

I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!

Fav 50 10895 1277
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?

Fav 15 1168 6867
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.

Fav 16 1235 6564
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?

Fav 16 5384 1443
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.

Fav 26 9529 1592
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

Fav 41 39279 2240
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys

Fav 22 7095 1438
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

I wanna come home

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

And do what?

(270): View more from Kentucky

Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.

Fav 4 2765 929
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now

Fav 45 1707 8379
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.

Fav 10 6656 1283
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

Fav 51 17094 1832
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers

Fav 25 7139 1425
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha

Fav 17 1773 976
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you

Fav 11 1759 3203
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?

(636): View more from Missouri

our generation is not ready to get married

Fav 49 7276 2893
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.

Fav 39 2813 4578
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?

Fav 34 2590 3365
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.

Fav 71 8428 2042
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.

Fav 101 10305 1564
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes

Fav 22 2599 4741
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...

Fav 77 2113 6982
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

Do I even want to know?

Fav 28 4922 2105
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.

Fav 8 4651 1190
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

Fav 45 26629 1762
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.

Fav 35 7617 1853
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...

(1-352): View more from Florida

so you did it...

(352): View more from Florida

obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.

Fav 29 6239 1768
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?

Fav 28 6842 1711
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.

Fav 32 1301 5309
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again

Fav 16 1073 8166
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.

Fav 11 5236 1339
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.

Fav 24 3901 1340
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious

Fav 47 3160 11795
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.

Fav 35 5564 2104
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

Fav 148 3970 12929
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

God wants them to get laid too.

Fav 59 8465 1870
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.

Fav 10 9630 1340
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes

(1-352): View more from Florida

I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.

Fav 13 8242 1408
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.

Fav 7 7965 1199
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.

Fav 19 1258 6680
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work

Fav 18 6807 1446
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.

Fav 13 11342 1578
share tweet
(1-917): View more from New York City

you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...

(917): View more from New York City

oh thats it?

Fav 7 4876 846
share tweet
(769): View more from Mississippi

My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth

Fav 33 3594 2820
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.

Fav 27 5414 1182
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.

Fav 57 17726 1661
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating

Fav 30 1366 7327
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?

Fav 20 6361 1048
share tweet
(818): View more from California

got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night

Fav 9 5510 1289
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.

Fav 13 6589 1202
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school

Fav 19 4435 1027
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie

(420): View more from

your the best winggirl ever

Fav 34 13760 1469
share tweet
(818): View more from California

If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.

(323): View more from California

Sounds like a plan.

Fav 34 8807 1197
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.

Fav 10 4906 887
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.

Fav 35 1789 3182
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?

Fav 6 3634 908
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?

(952): View more from Minnesota

You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....

Fav 37 2542 8447
share tweet
(807): View more from Ontario

Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?

(1-807): View more from Ontario

Just flip the mattress, it erases all

(807): View more from Ontario

Done and done

Fav 100 3201 7982
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes

Fav 17 5837 1570
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing

(1-301): View more from Maryland

that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome

(301): View more from Maryland

we agree. completely

Fav 31 8789 835
share tweet
(325): View more from Texas

wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"

Fav 100 8306 61692
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.

Fav 29 1156 7719
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?

Fav 66 6182 1244
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.

Fav 10 5428 1185
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.

Fav 36 7299 2838
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

Fav 34 26488 2349
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.

(201): View more from New Jersey

We better fuck soon then

Fav 25 8214 1431
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.

Fav 33 12888 1845
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Clothes are such an inconvenience.

Fav 22 8800 1373
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage

Fav 26 7623 1491
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex

Fav 5 4386 1127
share tweet
(818): View more from California

All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on

Fav 10 3659 1671
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator

Fav 32 12490 1592
share tweet
(626): View more from California

He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.

Fav 62 1523 7927
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.

Fav 12 4676 775
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life

(541): View more from Oregon

Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard

Fav 27 3256 6857
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?

Fav 19 1514 4983
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?

Fav 15 9501 1377
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE

Fav 20 1388 3892
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.

Fav 13 7052 1953
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.

Fav 6 6388 1363
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.

Fav 52 6843 3886
share tweet
(925): View more from California

DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR

Fav 42 11577 1759
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya

Fav 22 4470 1776
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

True romance of the 21st century.

Fav 63 13879 1723
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan

Fav 10 6820 1207
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories

Fav 23 1297 4513
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.

Fav 13 5535 1680
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once

Fav 9 4389 1079
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha

Fav 10 5005 1741
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets

Fav 14 1331 4100
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow

Fav 67 8980 2447
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"

Fav 16 6600 1381
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?

Fav 37 13978 1462
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.

Fav 17 9342 1220
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.

Fav 24 2216 7169
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?

(1-502): View more from Kentucky

eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.

Fav 19 5322 1365
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?

Fav 16 4133 2158
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass

Fav 18 7644 1643
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.

Fav 18 10393 1269
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

Fav 25 16039 1837
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.

Fav 26 11656 1540
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.

Fav 10 9260 1361
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality

Fav 73 1811 13287
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken

Fav 17 1231 6239
share tweet
(786): View more from Florida

He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way

Fav 26 6012 1871
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"

Fav 42 1769 15027
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

Fav 34 21338 2216
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen

Fav 20 5873 1459
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.

Fav 9 4445 1355
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut

Fav 40 6122 1248
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels

Fav 16 1517 5679
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me

Fav 39 8122 1752
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke

Fav 9 5103 1314
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up

Fav 14 3612 2021
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.

Fav 25 6650 1379
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city

Fav 38 12621 1473
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

Fav 66 26246 3371
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops

Fav 29 8384 1220
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list

Fav 20 12045 1492
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.

Fav 10 6125 1033
share tweet
(916): View more from California

He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants

Fav 46 13846 2508
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.

Fav 24 8234 1771
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.

(519): View more from Ontario

She did the bend and snap...

Fav 29 8078 1498
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer

Fav 16 5913 1355
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.

Fav 11 6096 1550
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on

Fav 43 9971 1405
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Operation Purity has been aborted

Fav 24 6868 1643
share tweet
(760): View more from California

He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.

Fav 26 11194 1312
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man

Fav 9 5043 1238
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

Fav 49 18834 1914
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...

Fav 70 1564 11719
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in

Fav 17 6574 1278
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.

Fav 12 1499 4805
share tweet
(530): View more from California

my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...

Fav 52 2716 10605
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.

Fav 26 1978 7973
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him

Fav 21 1747 9254
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

who'd you have sex with.

Fav 12 2565 4544
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

How did you steal an entire pie?

(602): View more from Arizona

I don't know. It's in my purse.

Fav 22 11987 1528
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.

Fav 45 10963 4724
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever

Fav 16 6835 1826
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe

Fav 35 1674 14430
share tweet
(435): View more from Utah

it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.

Fav 36 1632 5576
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?

Fav 23 4884 1525
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?

Fav 283 1636 13899
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off

Fav 2 4784 1011
share tweet
(905): View more from Toronto

Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language

Fav 17 4845 882
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.

Fav 25 2039 6237
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.

Fav 11 1522 4153
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.

Fav 21 5207 2132
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.

Fav 26 1569 7047
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie

Fav 17 4833 2193
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.

Fav 27 7972 1546
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...

(845): View more from New York

Are you serious?

(917): View more from New York City

yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...

Fav 25 1162 4757
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.

Fav 65 3122 953
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store

Fav 86 15095 2905
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.

Fav 49 7771 2445
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.

Fav 16 5204 1223
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.

Fav 17 5696 1177
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.

Fav 48 1291 3385
share tweet
(415): View more from California

I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.

Fav 9 1657 769
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.

Fav 22 5473 979
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage

Fav 96 3981 5613
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.

Fav 5 6904 1011
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out

(513): View more from Ohio

so is it as big as he says?

(216): View more from Ohio

he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit

Fav 42 6492 1032
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina

(214): View more from Texas

i got awkward and finally asked him what he said

(214): View more from Texas

he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it

Fav 26 1322 5399
share tweet
(+34): View more from Spain

Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.

Fav 16 4578 1016
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.

Fav 3 3551 769
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.

Fav 26 1519 6990
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.

Fav 27 6333 1463
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

what happened last night?

(917): View more from New York City

u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style

(718): View more from New York

that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left

Fav 39 14863 1538
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.

(773): View more from Illinois

You spelled "worthless" wrong.

Fav 67 1953 9162
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.

Fav 21 12265 1068
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.

Fav 10 5252 1291
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."

Fav 11 6207 1476
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him

(608): View more from Wisconsin

Just another sign I need to get out of this town

Fav 25 3173 1100
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.

Fav 126 17699 2579
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Woah.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

that's not how you spell hell yes.

Fav 56 7968 1739
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

Dude, I think my check liver light just came on

Fav 29 8229 1683
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation

Fav 12 2758 3523
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

did i?

Fav 33 8086 1151
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser

Fav 30 11282 1694
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.

Fav 52 18006 1706
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.

Fav 14 5274 1033
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Are you okay?

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.

Fav 19 3500 900
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood

Fav 4 4348 956
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.

Fav 70 10806 1666
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

hahaha! you have a girlfriend

(1-520): View more from Arizona

tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...

Fav 20 4678 1599
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.

Fav 16 1206 3788
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?

Fav 73 914 4321
share tweet
(+44): View more from England

Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.

Fav 35 4720 853
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...

Fav 25 5465 1292
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive

Fav 13 2512 4031
share tweet
(905): View more from Toronto

I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it

Fav 32 4653 2203
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.

Fav 40 12244 1204
share tweet
(805): View more from California

before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.

Fav 41 5370 1289
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision

Fav 44 3671 1453
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

Are you dead

(1-260): View more from Indiana

Yes

(260): View more from Indiana

Oh man

(1-260): View more from Indiana

Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard

Fav 7 3532 1128
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.

Fav 22 10343 1709
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over

Fav 14 10307 1445
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I'm like cupid

(1-818): View more from California

You're a whore with a bow and arrow

Fav 14 5468 1108
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?

Fav 52 1486 7163
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.

Fav 13 7253 1755
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod

Fav 6 6036 1382
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.

Fav 11 8161 1724
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.

Fav 12 8244 1767
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around

Fav 41 1068 3702
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b

Fav 9 1099 4762
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night

(401): View more from Rhode Island

no, that is not a typo

(401): View more from Rhode Island

i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday

Fav 50 6986 2587
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

Fav 87 26960 5268
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there

Fav 6 5438 1561
share tweet
(760): View more from California

She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.

Fav 30 8014 1562
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.

Fav 79 9390 3615
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...

Fav 16 1524 5605
share tweet
(323): View more from California

I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.

Fav 16 5844 1048
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back

Fav 63 2507 4343
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.

Fav 9 3945 1394
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.

Fav 73 7888 1174
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.

Fav 16 3454 1046
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.

Fav 14 4636 955
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"

Fav 6 1350 3859
share tweet
(289): View more from Ontario

I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.

Fav 13 2729 4295
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.

Fav 7 6450 1649
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

Fav 61 28046 1880
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?

Fav 14 8045 1500
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"

Fav 16 8176 1433
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.

Fav 15 2086 4070
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

Fav 17 10943 1587
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life

Fav 48 6333 2794
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You guys are open that late?

Fav 17 1258 4159
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl

(1-940): View more from Texas

you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.

Fav 47 2518 6439
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

Jesus knows you're telling a lie.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup

Fav 6 5138 1041
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.

Fav 36 7110 994
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.

Fav 7 6248 1160
share tweet
(772): View more from Florida

you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted

Fav 39 5584 1078
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus

Fav 12 1405 1647
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.

Fav 12 5868 1480
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.

Fav 50 959 4986
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."

Fav 5 3145 1078
share tweet
(361): View more from Texas

What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?

(1-361): View more from Texas

These are the tickets we got last night.

(361): View more from Texas

Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?

(1-361): View more from Texas

Yes...yes you did.

Fav 25 4679 999
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers

(1-205): View more from Alabama

yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....

Fav 62 11074 1183
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.

Fav 3 1966 933
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.

Fav 19 7498 1598
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

Fav 37 19433 1705
share tweet
(+52): View more from Mexico

that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.

Fav 10 4903 1724
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way

Fav 20 10921 1640
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.

Fav 37 9232 1440
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"

Fav 25 1447 11855
share tweet
(858): View more from California

we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.

Fav 23 14808 1605
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.

Fav 12 9943 1892
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.

Fav 16 5674 1838
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.

(1-716): View more from New York

momma always taught us never to change for a boy..

Fav 17 6772 1626
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.

Fav 17 5332 1384
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"

Fav 35 1696 8127
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.

Fav 11 1536 5442
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.

Fav 22 9821 1544
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"

Fav 54 1335 9421
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.

Fav 47 5158 1696
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.

Fav 12 4632 1043
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.

Fav 14 5084 880
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol

(1-813): View more from Florida

well its been awhile since I've surfed

Fav 4 2324 829
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?

Fav 7 8962 1029
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?

Fav 45 4430 1273
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.

Fav 5 926 1550
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.

Fav 59 5900 2252
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch

(740): View more from Ohio

enter at your own risk

Fav 5 2793 1173
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it

Fav 14 4422 1064
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.

Fav 42 10481 1260
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.

(314): View more from Missouri

Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.

Fav 30 5017 970
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"

Fav 39 10536 985
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?

Fav 5 1455 975
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends

Fav 32 4633 1123
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?

Fav 63 6628 1780
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Question. A woman tells her guy she's on birth control. Stops taking it to have a kid to force the guy to be responsible and with her. What rights does that guy have

(1-313): View more from Michigan

None he's f-d

Fav 15 1167 2270
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.

Fav 2 2633 863
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.

Fav 13 3776 1062
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"

(678): View more from Georgia

So... What happend then?

(404): View more from Georgia

We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.

Fav 49 11786 3052
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.

Fav 16 11358 1471
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second

Fav 11 1513 5560
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major

Fav 18 1581 5660
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"

Fav 17 5280 1296
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.

Fav 18 3999 1266
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

We should party with her soon

Fav 17 8916 1553
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."

Fav 18 5963 3095
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...

Fav 23 6494 1519
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

Fav 57 21184 1939
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.

Fav 31 1979 6180
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.

Fav 18 4843 1572
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..

Fav 23 1939 5045
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?

Fav 17 7924 1354
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.

Fav 19 7329 2002
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.

(404): View more from Georgia

you should get a family discount.

Fav 33 11339 1794
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way

Fav 31 2149 5231
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?

Fav 27 8183 1462
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.

Fav 16 7697 1331
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?

Fav 11 3779 2729
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?

(585): View more from New York

hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that

(516): View more from New York

is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?

Fav 139 8185 1578
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good

Fav 73 11290 1477
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.

Fav 22 8682 1102
share tweet
(858): View more from California

I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.

Fav 26 15520 1465
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..

Fav 35 1998 3511
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.

Fav 16 8001 1779
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"

Fav 51 18396 1738
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.

Fav 30 1602 6093
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.

Fav 30 4456 1009
share tweet
(949): View more from California

so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"

Fav 17 7138 1082
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

My brain says no but my pants say off.

Fav 7 5488 1093
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.

Fav 50 7414 1125
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.

Fav 14 4555 922
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.

Fav 22 6507 1451
share tweet
(559): View more from California

You realize it's finals week?

(408): View more from California

Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.

Fav 19 6704 1285
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.

Fav 43 2012 5911
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance

Fav 10 6663 1655
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...

Fav 17 8897 1501
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed

Fav 20 1365 4994
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.

Fav 42 10612 1280
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?

(636): View more from Missouri

anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence

Fav 32 9115 1380
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day

Fav 6 5477 1046
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator

(908): View more from New Jersey

hello competition

Fav 18 1976 5077
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex

Fav 12 5511 1264
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.

Fav 41 1872 13827
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.

Fav 16 6339 1323
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.

Fav 8 5177 1092
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me

Fav 45 8324 1531
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.

Fav 44 8674 1524
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.

Fav 26 6431 1402
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?

Fav 18 10023 1563
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.

Fav 19 7264 1772
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good

Fav 8 3295 1497
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.

Fav 35 7138 1412
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.

Fav 3 3526 1205
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?

Fav 12 4203 1111
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.

Fav 4 3840 1709
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.

Fav 15 6905 1508
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

Fav 120 28217 5132
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.

Fav 36 1230 4521
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly

Fav 19 1754 5887
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."

Fav 4 4256 964
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry

Fav 16 8300 1276
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.

Fav 36 9286 1420
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over

Fav 41 1528 3261
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix

Fav 22 1126 3389
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.

Fav 13 6239 1334
share tweet
(418): View more from Quebec

I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.

Fav 15 7185 1222
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.

Fav 33 1194 6116
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it

Fav 29 7047 1520
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."

Fav 15 4369 5277
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.

Fav 14 4740 1033
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."

Fav 25 4513 1125
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys

Fav 17 3638 1387
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen

Fav 13 2878 985
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.

Fav 21 1056 6475
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets

Fav 33 7906 1036
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.

Fav 7 4243 1134
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!

Fav 50 3527 1435
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?

Fav 19 993 1903
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved

Fav 11 1626 697
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?

Fav 15 6469 1210
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come

Fav 30 4390 990
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

I painted my nails silver

(586): View more from Michigan

And what are the implications of that?

(313): View more from Michigan

Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien

Fav 3 2409 937
share tweet
(650): View more from California

I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.

Fav 18 6210 899
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.

Fav 43 1649 7351
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.

Fav 20 919 5419
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

Fav 52 38162 2304
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him

(310): View more from California

its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain

Fav 11 2991 875
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

my being single is dangerous.

Fav 24 5256 1110
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better

Fav 21 5463 1394
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?

Fav 17 5666 1502
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test

Fav 20 5683 982
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.

Fav 80 1156 6148
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

You drinking a lot?

(1-850): View more from Florida

No.

(1-850): View more from Florida

Define a lot

Fav 15 3306 875
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing

Fav 3 2177 926
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

I'm jealous of your bromance

Fav 2 1455 847
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

yo i have your phone

(202): View more from Washington, DC

... oh so you probably won't get this message

Fav 14 2633 1444
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.

Fav 16 6600 1499
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"

Fav 16 8194 1394
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.

Fav 17 9173 1304
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.

Fav 26 1501 8273
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.

Fav 17 5772 1159
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.

Fav 25 5065 1930
share tweet
(831): View more from California

It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night

Fav 13 6553 1820
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you

Fav 6 4741 1264
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.

Fav 14 6575 1131
share tweet
(310): View more from California

based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment

Fav 31 1757 12446
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.

Fav 44 6447 1458
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.

Fav 40 11635 3452
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.

Fav 32 10350 1514
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.

Fav 15 12569 1417
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.

Fav 41 9433 1421
share tweet
(415): View more from California

There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.

Fav 35 7950 1694
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?

Fav 20 1733 5974
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?

Fav 23 7926 1465
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

Fav 64 29358 1878
share tweet
(951): View more from California

So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.

Fav 22 7396 1982
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...

Fav 35 1444 4813
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way

Fav 22 9609 1590
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

You love me.

(785): View more from Kansas

That's because, tragically, I adore whores.

Fav 29 8587 1926
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I understand why you refuse to be sober now

Fav 8 5091 1269
share tweet
(415): View more from California

the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication

Fav 16 9587 1522
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.

Fav 7 6613 1469
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.

Fav 17 13080 1322
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you

(1-804): View more from Virginia

couldn't find a condom?

(804): View more from Virginia

basically

Fav 16 6241 1695
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker

Fav 36 1025 5538
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.

Fav 8 6042 1514
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?

Fav 172 5469 17670
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"

Fav 9 1324 4663
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.

(618): View more from Illinois

I'm rooting for #1.

Fav 37 5069 2063
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...

Fav 9 5519 1165
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

Fav 56 31649 2127
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.

Fav 20 9290 1515
share tweet
(559): View more from California

So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?

(1-559): View more from California

That depends on who this is.

Fav 42 15246 2557
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands

Fav 14 4835 1661
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame

Fav 29 8259 1551
share tweet
(310): View more from California

So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.

Fav 51 15719 2861
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.

Fav 13 6158 1531
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

Fav 54 75096 3011
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line

Fav 51 10862 1878
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Who was that guy you went home with?

(1-714): View more from California

Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.

Fav 45 6928 1623
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.

Fav 14 6240 1161
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.

Fav 10 4817 1583
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.

Fav 18 2674 5352
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?

(914): View more from New York

11

Fav 9 926 2620
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

do you know how bad I want you right now?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

As bad as i want you to stop texting me?

(630): View more from Illinois

is that a hint?

Fav 11 1096 3633
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

didnt we say no more talking to eachother

(906): View more from Michigan

it will help you get over me i promise

(414): View more from Wisconsin

im horny

(906): View more from Michigan

ok i will unlock the door

Fav 16 2991 973
share tweet
(650): View more from California

I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?

Fav 46 9833 2409
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?

(609): View more from New Jersey

dont start drinking without me

Fav 47 5274 1204
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan

Fav 44 6749 1368
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.

Fav 52 10122 1655
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met

(1-319): View more from Iowa

thanks it was an honor just to be nominated

Fav 37 11359 1371
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

This kid is drunk.

(410): View more from Maryland

I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.

Fav 6 8347 1330
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.

Fav 16 8750 1375
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???

Fav 53 8488 2693
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.

Fav 36 10178 1174
share tweet