Texts From Last Night · JHail's Favorites

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JHail's Favorites Texts:

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(512): View more from Texas

I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!

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(713): View more from Texas

2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

That's a really terrible idea.

(734): View more from Michigan

Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look

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(739): View more from

IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING

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(301): View more from Maryland

If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it

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(912): View more from Georgia

Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life

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(858): View more from California

2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe

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(630): View more from Illinois

My dick has a subreddit

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(970): View more from Colorado

Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.

(303): View more from Colorado

Marry me.

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(248): View more from Michigan

It's no shave November. This is our time.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.

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(226): View more from Ontario

You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.

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(432): View more from Texas

Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like

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(703): View more from Virginia

I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.

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(650): View more from California

Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.

(415): View more from California

Retirement sounds fun.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental

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(502): View more from Kentucky

When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.

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(913): View more from Kansas

This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.

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(773): View more from Illinois

The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous

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(818): View more from California

Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO

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(336): View more from North Carolina

ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard

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(248): View more from Michigan

In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.

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(927): View more from

Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.

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(210): View more from Texas

I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer

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(248): View more from Michigan

I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night

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(707): View more from California

You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"

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(707): View more from California

She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"

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(613): View more from Ontario

Her only article of clothing is an American Flag

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(703): View more from Virginia

The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.

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(425): View more from Washington

I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"

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(407): View more from Florida

I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth

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(903): View more from Texas

I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house

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(205): View more from Alabama

I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!

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(972): View more from Texas

I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.

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(801): View more from Utah

My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.

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(718): View more from New York

I can see the future and your future is full of penis

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian

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(317): View more from Indiana

Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.

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(712): View more from Iowa

My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.

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(315): View more from New York

My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid

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(602): View more from Arizona

I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?

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(703): View more from Virginia

I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i'm saving my butt for my wedding night

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(574): View more from Indiana

If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband

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(406): View more from Montana

Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not

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(904): View more from Florida

Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.

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(416): View more from Toronto

so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing

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(317): View more from Indiana

I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.

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(585): View more from New York

She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.

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(727): View more from Florida

Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.

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(727): View more from Florida

I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you

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(706): View more from Georgia

You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.

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(425): View more from Washington

In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......

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(207): View more from Maine

I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.

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(323): View more from California

GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.

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(256): View more from Alabama

We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.

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(281): View more from Texas

Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner

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(248): View more from Michigan

This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions

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(520): View more from Arizona

Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?

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(432): View more from Texas

I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.

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(775): View more from Nevada

are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise

(702): View more from Nevada

I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise

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(248): View more from Michigan

I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.

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(585): View more from New York

don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."

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(318): View more from Louisiana

What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?

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(320): View more from Minnesota

She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god

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(917): View more from New York City

I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass

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(972): View more from Texas

I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent

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(503): View more from Oregon

Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.

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(323): View more from California

She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.

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(647): View more from Ontario

He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself

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(770): View more from Georgia

High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.

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(631): View more from New York

Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat

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(850): View more from Florida

So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street

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(303): View more from Colorado

I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.

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(514): View more from Quebec

Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast

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(303): View more from Colorado

He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.

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(314): View more from Missouri

When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

Did you win?

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(404): View more from Georgia

I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.

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(880): View more from

tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness

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(207): View more from Maine

Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear

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(818): View more from California

Tell me how you feel about belly buttons

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(513): View more from Ohio

I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.

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(801): View more from Utah

Why is your solution always to masturbate

(1-801): View more from Utah

Because it usually works

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"

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(778): View more from British Columbia

The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

You can wear anything you want

(704): View more from North Carolina

So... Naked it is then

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(585): View more from New York

I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.

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(848): View more from New Jersey

Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.

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(630): View more from Illinois

the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

3 2 1 whiskey

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(705): View more from Ontario

As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually

(1-781): View more from Massachusetts

Don't remember, didn't happen

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED

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(585): View more from New York

Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.

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(207): View more from Maine

If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.

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(386): View more from Florida

Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Like alphabetically I'd say a v

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.

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(585): View more from New York

Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

my entire left arm went numb

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.

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(678): View more from Georgia

If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

No this is saxophone Chris

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(203): View more from Connecticut

It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.

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(530): View more from California

I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."

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(810): View more from Michigan

Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.

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(571): View more from Virginia

I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it

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(210): View more from Texas

Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent

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(803): View more from South Carolina

My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave

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(410): View more from Maryland

I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is

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(703): View more from Virginia

its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight

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(732): View more from New Jersey

is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?

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(410): View more from Maryland

I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda

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(315): View more from New York

she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore

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(404): View more from Georgia

All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready

Fav 2 1886 661
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(479): View more from Arkansas

Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.

Fav 2 569 884
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(479): View more from Arkansas

Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?

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(707): View more from California

I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.

Fav 2 1030 703
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(586): View more from Michigan

What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.

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(407): View more from Florida

If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store

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(281): View more from Texas

Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.

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(440): View more from Ohio

For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it

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(973): View more from New Jersey

the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.

(904): View more from Florida

You're a good person. Sharing is caring.

Fav 0 1430 600
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(647): View more from Ontario

I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.

Fav 2 1187 538
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(630): View more from Illinois

He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals

Fav 4 1356 749
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(707): View more from California

Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.

(707): View more from California

And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.

Fav 3 1130 643
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(707): View more from California

I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day

(408): View more from California

Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry

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(707): View more from California

I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.

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(815): View more from Illinois

have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?

(1-815): View more from Illinois

why can't you just be normal

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(813): View more from Florida

I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"

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(303): View more from Colorado

You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.

Fav 20 6044 1362
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(317): View more from Indiana

eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.

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(904): View more from Florida

I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch

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(336): View more from North Carolina

You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

it was a sexy soul patch.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.

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(641): View more from Iowa

If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."

(301): View more from Maryland

That wasn't a compliment.

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(512): View more from Texas

I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.

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(425): View more from Washington

I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years

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(+47): View more from Norway

You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me

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(801): View more from Utah

He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?

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(630): View more from Illinois

Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.

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(727): View more from Florida

Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.

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(785): View more from Kansas

totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted

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(765): View more from Indiana

google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?

Fav 4 1190 813
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(319): View more from Iowa

Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day

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(630): View more from Illinois

I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I have major gossip for you.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh no, did you have sex last night?

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.

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(916): View more from California

Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?

Fav 5 2181 992
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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone

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(501): View more from Arkansas

When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.

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(512): View more from Texas

I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.

Fav 2 1562 586
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(253): View more from Washington

Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf

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(513): View more from Ohio

I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..

(587): View more from Alberta

Wow. We're meant to be..

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(639): View more from

you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep

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(912): View more from Georgia

She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"

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(425): View more from Washington

Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household

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(212): View more from New York

We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.

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(417): View more from Missouri

So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?

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(551): View more from New Jersey

But break dance skills will only take you so far

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(971): View more from Oregon

Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?

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(480): View more from Arizona

I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.

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(281): View more from Texas

all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy

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(775): View more from Nevada

He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home

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(502): View more from Kentucky

It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.

Fav 4 826 670
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(319): View more from Iowa

Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.

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(210): View more from Texas

Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.

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(760): View more from California

This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful

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(714): View more from California

But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?

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(417): View more from Missouri

Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.

Fav 1 1582 718
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(320): View more from Minnesota

I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING

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(951): View more from California

What's dad's email?

(1-951): View more from California

askmom@cause.idk

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(817): View more from Texas

I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out

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(513): View more from Ohio

We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!

Fav 7 4772 1075
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(760): View more from California

Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.

(619): View more from California

I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.

(760): View more from California

I referred to the cat as amicable.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm cool with that

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(516): View more from New York

I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.

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(850): View more from Florida

that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick

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(501): View more from Arkansas

If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.

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(716): View more from New York

tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex

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(732): View more from New Jersey

he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.

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(516): View more from New York

i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.

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(410): View more from Maryland

So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?

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(727): View more from Florida

did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?

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(443): View more from Maryland

its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten

(301): View more from Maryland

so glad i banged her when she was skinny

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste

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(416): View more from Toronto

He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.

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(847): View more from Illinois

He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...

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(212): View more from New York

He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?

Fav 3 1514 531
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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf

Fav 2 1189 580
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(518): View more from New York

The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?

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(519): View more from Ontario

but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it

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(865): View more from Tennessee

to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!

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(956): View more from Texas

Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode

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(650): View more from California

My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.

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(585): View more from New York

You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.

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(815): View more from Illinois

OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!

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(706): View more from Georgia

Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny

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(631): View more from New York

You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows

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(305): View more from Florida

I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?

(1-305): View more from Florida

Seriously?

(305): View more from Florida

100%

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(303): View more from Colorado

Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?

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(407): View more from Florida

And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.

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(936): View more from Texas

My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(214): View more from Texas

White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.

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(561): View more from Florida

I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.

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(520): View more from Arizona

it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.

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(941): View more from Florida

He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.

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(619): View more from California

I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?

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(386): View more from Florida

It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina

(386): View more from Florida

It really is the softest mustache

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me

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(208): View more from Idaho

God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight

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(602): View more from Arizona

I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth

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(330): View more from Ohio

After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy

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(845): View more from New York

I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"

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(360): View more from Washington

I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I'm romantic.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you

(1+44): View more from

Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause

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(623): View more from Arizona

He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna

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(044): View more from

fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Why do you hate her?

(1-601): View more from Mississippi

She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....

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(650): View more from California

Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.

Fav 1 919 526
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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers

(847): View more from Illinois

I can't see you

(847): View more from Illinois

I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche

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(419): View more from Ohio

Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly

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(305): View more from Florida

As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it

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(703): View more from Virginia

I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Since when do you jog?

(1-440): View more from Ohio

Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs

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(416): View more from Toronto

whose parrot is this?

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(519): View more from Ontario

If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws

Fav 1 764 550
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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining

(508): View more from Massachusetts

I think that would solve a million problems

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(903): View more from Texas

Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.

(1-903): View more from Texas

Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.

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(209): View more from California

i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious

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(407): View more from Florida

I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.

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(315): View more from New York

That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.

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(631): View more from New York

Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants

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(870): View more from Arkansas

My boob is missing a layer of skin

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(443): View more from Maryland

If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago

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(949): View more from California

We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Gross! What the hell is that?!?

(623): View more from Arizona

It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.

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(585): View more from New York

AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?

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(931): View more from Tennessee

see that vagina ? that vagina means business

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(310): View more from California

My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'

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(404): View more from Georgia

No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"

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(440): View more from Ohio

"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5

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(217): View more from Illinois

List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close

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(479): View more from Arkansas

The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.

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(303): View more from Colorado

All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"

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(601): View more from Mississippi

So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?

(1-601): View more from Mississippi

Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!

(1-416): View more from Toronto

Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken

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(775): View more from Nevada

I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related

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(208): View more from Idaho

I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.

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(503): View more from Oregon

i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

I almost fell asleep reading that.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

I almost fell asleep fucking it.

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(707): View more from California

Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

Happy birthday, America.

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(503): View more from Oregon

i think i just asked a donut if it was ok

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(314): View more from Missouri

Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night

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(352): View more from Florida

I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy

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(979): View more from Texas

I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after

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(201): View more from New Jersey

halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?

(518): View more from New York

No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo

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(705): View more from Ontario

Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

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(817): View more from Texas

I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.

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(+61): View more from Australia

He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.

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(440): View more from Ohio

This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?

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(907): View more from Alaska

You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.

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(205): View more from Alabama

There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did

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(956): View more from Texas

Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."

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(423): View more from Tennessee

God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm skeptical of all drag queens.

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(720): View more from Colorado

the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.

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(850): View more from Florida

The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.

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(719): View more from Colorado

That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case

(573): View more from Missouri

WTF.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.

(860): View more from Connecticut

Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.

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(480): View more from Arizona

...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.

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(210): View more from Texas

We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.

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(858): View more from California

I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.

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(818): View more from California

Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

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(352): View more from Florida

Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."

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(909): View more from California

Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.

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(425): View more from Washington

I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!

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(947): View more from Michigan

Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?

(1-947): View more from Michigan

I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.

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(586): View more from Michigan

He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.

(248): View more from Michigan

Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported

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(434): View more from Virginia

the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere

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(434): View more from Virginia

he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him

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(434): View more from Virginia

I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.

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(434): View more from Virginia

I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.

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(434): View more from Virginia

and she just brought her bike into the shower with her

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(434): View more from Virginia

Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.

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(434): View more from Virginia

It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.

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(434): View more from Virginia

KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.

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(434): View more from Virginia

So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.

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(917): View more from New York City

I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.

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(496): View more from

I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically

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(614): View more from Ohio

I was convinced to buy a man thong.

(614): View more from Ohio

But it's Armani so it's okay.

(614): View more from Ohio

God I just out gayed myself.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on

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(440): View more from Ohio

Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected

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(972): View more from Texas

Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT

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(760): View more from California

PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.

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(813): View more from Florida

I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.

(407): View more from Florida

i think you have the wrong number

(813): View more from Florida

so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.

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(720): View more from Colorado

You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.

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(951): View more from California

Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.

(1-951): View more from California

Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why

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(708): View more from Illinois

For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?

(773): View more from Illinois

To be honest, kinda.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?

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(404): View more from Georgia

After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"

(404): View more from Georgia

I come from her. Holy hell.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.

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(850): View more from Florida

I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.

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(310): View more from California

The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?

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(563): View more from Iowa

Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.

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(614): View more from Ohio

They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time

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(760): View more from California

Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun

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(319): View more from Iowa

...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text

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(718): View more from New York

Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.

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(917): View more from New York City

Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her

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(805): View more from California

you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible

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(404): View more from Georgia

Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday

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(612): View more from Minnesota

And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.

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(904): View more from Florida

My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I cont stop tolking in a british axsent

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(813): View more from Florida

right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.

(1-813): View more from Florida

only on the fourth of july.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.

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(406): View more from Montana

I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive

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(847): View more from Illinois

A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover

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(256): View more from Alabama

I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."

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(925): View more from California

I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi

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(702): View more from Nevada

He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin

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(323): View more from California

Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.

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(415): View more from California

i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.

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(630): View more from Illinois

And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear

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(650): View more from California

We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign

(562): View more from California

You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo

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(804): View more from Virginia

I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.

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(650): View more from California

This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"

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(650): View more from California

Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"

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(650): View more from California

they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.

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(315): View more from New York

I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores

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(450): View more from Quebec

If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.

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(408): View more from California

do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit

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(616): View more from Michigan

Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.

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(706): View more from Georgia

It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.

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(949): View more from California

i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Adam has been drinking

(1-810): View more from Michigan

Who has his phone

(810): View more from Michigan

Adam does

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.

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(586): View more from Michigan

He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?

(214): View more from Texas

Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.

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(907): View more from Alaska

When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.

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(248): View more from Michigan

We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.

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(863): View more from Florida

I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.

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(816): View more from Missouri

My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.

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(443): View more from Maryland

i would one night stand the shit outta him

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(334): View more from Alabama

seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.

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(785): View more from Kansas

That reminds me...we need to get swords

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(614): View more from Ohio

Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend

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(519): View more from Ontario

I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

it's like her boobs came off with her bra

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...

(910): View more from North Carolina

It's inspiring.

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(816): View more from Missouri

We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.

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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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(415): View more from California

Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you

(831): View more from California

He's CUTE. and foreign

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(347): View more from New York

It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.

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(817): View more from Texas

We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.

(1-817): View more from Texas

Braid them armpits, sister.

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(845): View more from New York

We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea

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(720): View more from Colorado

Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups

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(707): View more from California

Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.

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(703): View more from Virginia

And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.

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(850): View more from Florida

It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.

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(631): View more from New York

We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.

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(406): View more from Montana

I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself

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(571): View more from Virginia

Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?

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(775): View more from Nevada

Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Drink for every country you've never heard of.

(630): View more from Illinois

Fuuuuuuuuuck

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire

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(609): View more from New Jersey

LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER

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(316): View more from Kansas

You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.

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(818): View more from California

No...this little piggys going to the bar

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(575): View more from New Mexico

We need to talk about our relationship.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes

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(817): View more from Texas

We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''

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(703): View more from Virginia

I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense

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(769): View more from Mississippi

He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking

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(860): View more from Connecticut

The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.

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(914): View more from New York

I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.

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(240): View more from Maryland

this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.

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(775): View more from Nevada

If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka

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(513): View more from Ohio

Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.

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(573): View more from Missouri

So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...

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(435): View more from Utah

When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics

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(914): View more from New York

last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.

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(425): View more from Washington

her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.

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(303): View more from Colorado

we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us

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(410): View more from Maryland

She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.

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(914): View more from New York

Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Why am I always the sober one?

(641): View more from Iowa

Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Bring gay.

(250): View more from British Columbia

By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"

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(714): View more from California

Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon

(310): View more from California

Fuck you.

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(619): View more from California

No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

We need more drag queens in our life I've decided

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok

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(770): View more from Georgia

When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.

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(720): View more from Colorado

So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.

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(647): View more from Ontario

We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.

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(281): View more from Texas

If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.

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(979): View more from Texas

It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.

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(407): View more from Florida

I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...

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(831): View more from California

She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO

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(716): View more from New York

this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon

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(410): View more from Maryland

Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.

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(208): View more from Idaho

if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.

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(317): View more from Indiana

All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.

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(317): View more from Indiana

why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??

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(905): View more from Ontario

I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."

(423): View more from Tennessee

Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.

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(518): View more from New York

I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!

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(719): View more from Colorado

I'm stealing this baby.

(1-719): View more from Colorado

Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.

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(940): View more from Texas

Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?

(940): View more from Texas

Is this a story I am going to hate you for?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?

(651): View more from Minnesota

Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better

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(904): View more from Florida

He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.

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(530): View more from California

That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.

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(714): View more from California

Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...

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(330): View more from Ohio

OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.

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(937): View more from Ohio

My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.

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(831): View more from California

Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless

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(805): View more from California

WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts

(805): View more from California

YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts are serious business

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(847): View more from Illinois

I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.

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(213): View more from California

Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.

(1-213): View more from California

best text I've received ever.

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(360): View more from Washington

do we own a ladder

(206): View more from Washington

We do not.

(360): View more from Washington

then how am i on the roof

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(330): View more from Ohio

i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.

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(540): View more from Virginia

i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.

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(518): View more from New York

4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.

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(707): View more from California

why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest

(248): View more from Michigan

If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does

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(845): View more from New York

Because ur a stupid bitch

(1-845): View more from New York

Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.

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(216): View more from Ohio

every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend

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(859): View more from Kentucky

How external is "for external use only"?

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(954): View more from Florida

thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.

(519): View more from Ontario

She did the bend and snap...

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

like hot dogs and buns.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style

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(732): View more from New Jersey

That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Why am I in a dog kennel?

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

It was for your own safety

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(757): View more from Virginia

and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.

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(845): View more from New York

You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.

(937): View more from Ohio

He had some in his pocket. That was weird.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.

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(571): View more from Virginia

non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.

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(540): View more from Virginia

The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.

(540): View more from Virginia

you also need to get my treadmill fixed.

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(425): View more from Washington

be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant

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(360): View more from Washington

I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"

(425): View more from Washington

I want to be you.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned

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(631): View more from New York

I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.

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(207): View more from Maine

using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.

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(310): View more from California

Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?

(626): View more from California

That's two questions.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable

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(360): View more from Washington

he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?

(707): View more from California

...did you eat that brownie?

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.

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(914): View more from New York

I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.

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(224): View more from Illinois

he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number

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(337): View more from Louisiana

The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.

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(208): View more from Idaho

so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.

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(802): View more from Vermont

You want anything?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Gatorade and you naked.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts

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(802): View more from Vermont

I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?

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(216): View more from Ohio

Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight

(440): View more from Ohio

Challenge Accepted

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(201): View more from New Jersey

He's cheating on her.

(973): View more from New Jersey

Are you sure it wasn't her?

(201): View more from New Jersey

I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.

(740): View more from Ohio

Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store

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(325): View more from Texas

I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck

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(240): View more from Maryland

Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.

(434): View more from Virginia

Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.

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(905): View more from Ontario

you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.

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(626): View more from California

Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?

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(331): View more from Illinois

My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.

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(614): View more from Ohio

This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!

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(330): View more from Ohio

We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

(508): View more from Massachusetts

what was i wearing?

(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing

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(516): View more from New York

check it out our google latitudes are spooning

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?

(910): View more from North Carolina

succeeding

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(864): View more from South Carolina

He looks like he'd be great Lego character.

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(514): View more from Quebec

So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.

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(770): View more from Georgia

All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.

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(303): View more from Colorado

She's just so happy...and so naked.

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(707): View more from California

You rang?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"

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(604): View more from British Columbia

he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...

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(810): View more from Michigan

Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.

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(559): View more from California

So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?

(1-559): View more from California

That depends on who this is.

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(516): View more from New York

I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!

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(716): View more from New York

An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin

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(248): View more from Michigan

Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.

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(415): View more from California

did we hook up?

(925): View more from California

no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt

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(212): View more from New York

No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.

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(940): View more from Texas

...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?

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(904): View more from Florida

All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!

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(314): View more from Missouri

CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED

(+04): View more from

Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I will be naked everywhere

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(310): View more from California

My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."

(323): View more from California

If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.

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(281): View more from Texas

I think about you every night.

(1-281): View more from Texas

I'm sorry.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.

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(847): View more from Illinois

When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.

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(718): View more from New York

what happened last night?

(917): View more from New York City

u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style

(718): View more from New York

that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left

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(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

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(303): View more from Colorado

if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous

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(626): View more from California

she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere

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(919): View more from North Carolina

The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!

(1-515): View more from Iowa

Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.

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(925): View more from California

just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself

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(210): View more from Texas

How crunk are you?

(713): View more from Texas

I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins

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(423): View more from Tennessee

It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"

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(318): View more from Louisiana

dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune

(1-318): View more from Louisiana

what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??

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(703): View more from Virginia

well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too

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(816): View more from Missouri

I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.

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(253): View more from Washington

i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down

(253): View more from Washington

ppsyche im wasted where are you

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."

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(740): View more from Ohio

it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second

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(615): View more from Tennessee

When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?

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(315): View more from New York

Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

(410): View more from Maryland

you are way too vulgar to be a girl

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(410): View more from Maryland

you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga

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(630): View more from Illinois

I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing

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(909): View more from California

I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not

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(512): View more from Texas

You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."

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(901): View more from Tennessee

i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life

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(478): View more from Georgia

So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis

(410): View more from Maryland

Sounds like a really classy character....

(478): View more from Georgia

He is classy. It was argyle.

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(360): View more from Washington

thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking

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(309): View more from Illinois

Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile

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(602): View more from Arizona

Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.

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(714): View more from California

It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.

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(703): View more from Virginia

No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me

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(831): View more from California

I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.

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(205): View more from Alabama

decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out

(574): View more from Indiana

You never cease to amaze me.

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(+49): View more from Germany

They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!

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(803): View more from South Carolina

The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....

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(404): View more from Georgia

her nose should be used as a dorsal fin

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.

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(317): View more from Indiana

it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely

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(336): View more from North Carolina

By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"

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(404): View more from Georgia

The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.

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(469): View more from Texas

You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.

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(714): View more from California

Being a girl sucks.

(949): View more from California

Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too

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(252): View more from North Carolina

i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.

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(972): View more from Texas

Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...

(214): View more from Texas

Was she wearing cherry chapstick??

(972): View more from Texas

No. Life's not always a fairytale.....

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(530): View more from California

I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.

(1-530): View more from California

fuck. you.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"

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(757): View more from Virginia

they won't let me drive with my sombrero

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(613): View more from Ontario

I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after

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(317): View more from Indiana

and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way

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(440): View more from Ohio

do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?

(1-440): View more from Ohio

you should probably use water

(440): View more from Ohio

i dont have any

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(440): View more from Ohio

New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."

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(410): View more from Maryland

:)

(443): View more from Maryland

Wipe that smile off your face.

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(440): View more from Ohio

oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.

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(443): View more from Maryland

His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake

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(443): View more from Maryland

One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x

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(440): View more from Ohio

sarcasm needs its own font

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

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(847): View more from Illinois

How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.

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(530): View more from California

There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.

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(301): View more from Maryland

look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.

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(478): View more from Georgia

We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?

(203): View more from Connecticut

bc i get to see you. naked.

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(785): View more from Kansas

He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.

(1-785): View more from Kansas

But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.

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(519): View more from Ontario

due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

You should've just screamed yes we can!

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(707): View more from California

he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting

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(703): View more from Virginia

so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team

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(818): View more from California

I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff

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(253): View more from Washington

Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling

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(419): View more from Ohio

idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night

(248): View more from Michigan

he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party

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(917): View more from New York City

when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.

(917): View more from New York City

Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.

(347): View more from New York

he is a god among men.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Ecstasy should be its own food group.

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(630): View more from Illinois

his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass

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(516): View more from New York

Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."

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(310): View more from California

i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.

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(641): View more from Iowa

My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.

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(323): View more from California

It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

She tied me up with her honor cords...

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(917): View more from New York City

Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

I could have done it in 2

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(864): View more from South Carolina

We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.

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(816): View more from Missouri

His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court

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(541): View more from Oregon

Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future

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(310): View more from California

I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.

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(850): View more from Florida

You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.

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(315): View more from New York

Hello wreck, this is your train calling.

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(425): View more from Washington

ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.

(206): View more from Washington

High?

(425): View more from Washington

hahahahaha turkey breast

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Why do you think it's a no-pants party?

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I GOT MY PERIOD!

(706): View more from Georgia

damn. i had names picked out.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I love you more than champagne and correct grammar

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(212): View more from New York

dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?

(1-212): View more from New York

idk but i think it had a face

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me

(781): View more from Massachusetts

dont be selfish, show some boob

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate

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(917): View more from New York City

i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.

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(214): View more from Texas

Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"

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(204): View more from Manitoba

you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.

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(410): View more from Maryland

so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

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(407): View more from Florida

She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.

(518): View more from New York

So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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(214): View more from Texas

so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings

(1-214): View more from Texas

dont u have athletes foot?

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(616): View more from Michigan

I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.

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(269): View more from Michigan

You're my little dorito

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.

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(917): View more from New York City

every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.

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(407): View more from Florida

When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.

(301): View more from Maryland

Did you reintroduce yourself?

(407): View more from Florida

He threatened to call the cops.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

my cup is half full, half full of rum.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

I feel like half our conversations start this way.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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(310): View more from California

Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake

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(515): View more from Iowa

Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.

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(206): View more from Washington

Gong!

(1-253): View more from Washington

YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.

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(377): View more from

I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"

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(301): View more from Maryland

Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.

(1-301): View more from Maryland

I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.

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(305): View more from Florida

I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls

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(409): View more from Texas

white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character

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(701): View more from North Dakota

does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?

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(305): View more from Florida

He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.

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(707): View more from California

OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.

(1-707): View more from California

Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.

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(707): View more from California

Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.

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(707): View more from California

that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it

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(707): View more from California

i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Why didn't I see you last night!?

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.

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(518): View more from New York

apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Yea well when i pee it makes steam.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".

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(850): View more from Florida

The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE

(1-847): View more from Illinois

This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.

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(509): View more from Washington

Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.

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(509): View more from Washington

That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis

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(509): View more from Washington

the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating

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(509): View more from Washington

I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics

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(509): View more from Washington

I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM

(909): View more from California

I'm scared to ask why.....

(509): View more from Washington

1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.

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(509): View more from Washington

walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.

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(509): View more from Washington

Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.

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(509): View more from Washington

Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?

(860): View more from Connecticut

Becoming a productive member of society?

(509): View more from Washington

Sam. Come on.

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(509): View more from Washington

Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you

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(917): View more from New York City

I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now

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(917): View more from New York City

How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?

(1-917): View more from New York City

I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian

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(917): View more from New York City

My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".

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(917): View more from New York City

I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant

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(917): View more from New York City

its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help

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(917): View more from New York City

Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.

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(917): View more from New York City

just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.

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(917): View more from New York City

I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.

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(917): View more from New York City

He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.

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(917): View more from New York City

Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.

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(707): View more from California

I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER

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(210): View more from Texas

I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner

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(416): View more from Toronto

sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.

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(650): View more from California

Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th

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(305): View more from Florida

he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!

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(559): View more from California

Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs

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(858): View more from California

I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.

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(937): View more from Ohio

You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.

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(253): View more from Washington

Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex

(206): View more from Washington

Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy

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(419): View more from Ohio

who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage

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(587): View more from Alberta

My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"

(401): View more from Rhode Island

So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.

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(+49): View more from Germany

Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face

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(706): View more from Georgia

Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.

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(512): View more from Texas

You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.

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(718): View more from New York

did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.

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(519): View more from Ontario

You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.

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(512): View more from Texas

last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Shut up. I did not.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

I really wish I was making that up.

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(713): View more from Texas

I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...

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(337): View more from Louisiana

it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.

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(708): View more from Illinois

is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro

(773): View more from Illinois

yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.

(708): View more from Illinois

how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?

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(810): View more from Michigan

I wish I could teleport

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(419): View more from Ohio

Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."

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(419): View more from Ohio

I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook

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(847): View more from Illinois

Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.

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(407): View more from Florida

Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.

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(212): View more from New York

Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.

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(727): View more from Florida

You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?

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(713): View more from Texas

just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal

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(775): View more from Nevada

all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later

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(804): View more from Virginia

when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"

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(614): View more from Ohio

can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?

(740): View more from Ohio

bitches.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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(256): View more from Alabama

I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.

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(773): View more from Illinois

His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.

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(229): View more from Georgia

College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant

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(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?

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(519): View more from Ontario

If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes

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(609): View more from New Jersey

LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

how did i know this would happen?

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(317): View more from Indiana

Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.

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(917): View more from New York City

My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard

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(530): View more from California

We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."

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(419): View more from Ohio

laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.

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(614): View more from Ohio

lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"

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(910): View more from North Carolina

the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...

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(609): View more from New Jersey

WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.

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(636): View more from Missouri

He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.

(314): View more from Missouri

That was the greatest thing i have ever read.

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(616): View more from Michigan

You are an asshole

(574): View more from Indiana

haha sleeping beauty awakes.

(616): View more from Michigan

Where did you find this costume?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.

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(657): View more from California

You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl

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(423): View more from Tennessee

just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party

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(650): View more from California

i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.

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(207): View more from Maine

A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

How drunk are you??

(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm flawless.

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(925): View more from California

370HSSV 0773H read that upside down

(1-925): View more from California

what are you doing with your life

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(917): View more from New York City

she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(713): View more from Texas

PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering

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(905): View more from Toronto

me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...

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(248): View more from Michigan

my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'

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(804): View more from Virginia

My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel

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(775): View more from Nevada

Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls

(702): View more from Nevada

Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter

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(917): View more from New York City

shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages

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(941): View more from Florida

my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.

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(813): View more from Florida

I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."

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(847): View more from Illinois

Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?

(708): View more from Illinois

We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.

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(707): View more from California

I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor

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(707): View more from California

We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.

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(309): View more from Illinois

ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.

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(206): View more from Washington

he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.

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(323): View more from California

How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?

(213): View more from California

It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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(415): View more from California

Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.

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(415): View more from California

When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

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(415): View more from California

Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.

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(714): View more from California

She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.

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(941): View more from Florida

I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.

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(904): View more from Florida

After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.

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(469): View more from Texas

Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."

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(315): View more from New York

I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do

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(585): View more from New York

In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers

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(727): View more from Florida

I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"

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(248): View more from Michigan

Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable

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(863): View more from Florida

There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.

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(235): View more from

I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.

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(512): View more from Texas

and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through

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(864): View more from South Carolina

she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual

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(541): View more from Oregon

blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.

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(214): View more from Texas

Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?

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(936): View more from Texas

You can't call dibs 8 years later.

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(509): View more from Washington

Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.

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(805): View more from California

I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.

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(410): View more from Maryland

They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.

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(970): View more from Colorado

So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.

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(315): View more from New York

idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.

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(801): View more from Utah

so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me

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(703): View more from Virginia

swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

(202): View more from Washington, DC

buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"

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(706): View more from Georgia

Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.

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(315): View more from New York

mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(954): View more from Florida

Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.

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(214): View more from Texas

um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.

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(707): View more from California

I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.

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(707): View more from California

My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.

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(515): View more from Iowa

You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.

(1-515): View more from Iowa

Deal!

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(708): View more from Illinois

So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?

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(330): View more from Ohio

theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.

(571): View more from Virginia

define virginity.

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(734): View more from Michigan

So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.

(810): View more from Michigan

You're 20.

(734): View more from Michigan

IT'S BUILD A BEAR!

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(818): View more from California

my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you

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(513): View more from Ohio

I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.

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(407): View more from Florida

my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much

(1-407): View more from Florida

It'll hurt less than being alone

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(562): View more from California

Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.

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(616): View more from Michigan

No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.

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(310): View more from California

only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man

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(949): View more from California

Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone

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(567): View more from Ohio

we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.

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(707): View more from California

I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.

(951): View more from California

That's the thing about women.

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(847): View more from Illinois

You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.

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(260): View more from Indiana

you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.

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(913): View more from Kansas

We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!

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(720): View more from Colorado

He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."

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(917): View more from New York City

Fine. I'll sleep in my office

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.

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(541): View more from Oregon

dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!

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(301): View more from Maryland

Bea Arthur died yesterday

(240): View more from Maryland

You shut your stupid mouth

(301): View more from Maryland

Betty White is next, I just know it.

(240): View more from Maryland

Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.

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(678): View more from Georgia

All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

(404): View more from Georgia

You mean bread?

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(641): View more from Iowa

FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER

(1-641): View more from Iowa

STOP listening to that song

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(706): View more from Georgia

I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.

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(407): View more from Florida

You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.

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(949): View more from California

you made cement angels. it was a great sight.

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(317): View more from Indiana

She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while

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(815): View more from Illinois

I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.

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(310): View more from California

Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.

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(217): View more from Illinois

he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids

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(770): View more from Georgia

You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.

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(714): View more from California

dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"

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(908): View more from New Jersey

you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm lost and stupid without you.

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(626): View more from California

We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.

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(831): View more from California

I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.

(1-831): View more from California

stop. you already have a dog

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(512): View more from Texas

Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?

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(650): View more from California

OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?

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(703): View more from Virginia

im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one

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(727): View more from Florida

My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.

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(425): View more from Washington

You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.

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(770): View more from Georgia

next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.

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(913): View more from Kansas

i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell

(816): View more from Missouri

please tell me you are kidding me

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(513): View more from Ohio

I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.

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(970): View more from Colorado

i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.

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(847): View more from Illinois

u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends

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(479): View more from Arkansas

there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express

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(260): View more from Indiana

You told him you loved him!?

(1-260): View more from Indiana

I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.

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(801): View more from Utah

Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.

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(607): View more from New York

Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles

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(302): View more from Delaware

I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course

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(212): View more from New York

He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"

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(916): View more from California

ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra

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(573): View more from Missouri

You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?

(204): View more from Manitoba

I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it

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(719): View more from Colorado

So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him

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(515): View more from Iowa

Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby

(1-515): View more from Iowa

What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,

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(806): View more from Texas

You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.

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(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.

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(626): View more from California

Dignity is for republicans.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person

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(818): View more from California

i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.

(615): View more from Tennessee

Heaven soaked bacon.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty

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(703): View more from Virginia

I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.

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(954): View more from Florida

it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.

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(516): View more from New York

i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.

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(810): View more from Michigan

GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.

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(679): View more from Michigan

You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.

(679): View more from Michigan

You really are best friends.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it

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(213): View more from California

Her brother is deaf.

(214): View more from Texas

no wonder she was so good with her hands

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(816): View more from Missouri

You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"

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(813): View more from Florida

y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

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(240): View more from Maryland

Banned from zoo.

(301): View more from Maryland

Again?

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(647): View more from Ontario

You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

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(530): View more from California

I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite

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(912): View more from Georgia

just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart

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(203): View more from Connecticut

just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you

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(301): View more from Maryland

i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

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(714): View more from California

Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me

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(949): View more from California

just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."

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(705): View more from Ontario

Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence

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(972): View more from Texas

I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.

(1-972): View more from Texas

I want to be a cop.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.

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(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

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(816): View more from Missouri

Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.

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(618): View more from Illinois

The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(971): View more from Oregon

I have two black x marks on my hands.

(503): View more from Oregon

Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

(971): View more from Oregon

damnit I wish I could remember that.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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(607): View more from New York

You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.

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(416): View more from Ontario

you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

(910): View more from North Carolina

IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(847): View more from Illinois

so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(404): View more from Georgia

i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!

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(212): View more from New York

guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them

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(810): View more from Michigan

Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police

(616): View more from Michigan

What?!?

(810): View more from Michigan

What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.

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(660): View more from Missouri

We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.

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(310): View more from California

someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.

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(310): View more from California

I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.

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(310): View more from California

Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.

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(310): View more from California

i fucked a milf yesterday.

(619): View more from California

i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.

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(640): View more from

I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.

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(720): View more from Colorado

You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.

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(619): View more from California

I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.

(1-619): View more from California

You literally just made my flesh crawl.

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(443): View more from Maryland

You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs

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(219): View more from Indiana

My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?

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(301): View more from Maryland

dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist

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(563): View more from Iowa

The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.

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(303): View more from Colorado

How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend

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(619): View more from California

there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly

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(303): View more from Colorado

Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.

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(540): View more from Virginia

my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong

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(863): View more from Florida

And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard

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(703): View more from Virginia

bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day

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